Paragraph Paragraph RevisionRevision

Personal EssayPersonal Essayby: A. Nonny Mussby: A. Nonny Muss

As I was saying in class, I grew up as a As I was saying in class, I grew up as a child in Canada. Life was different. My dad child in Canada. Life was different. My dad got a job and me and my parents’ moved. My got a job and me and my parents’ moved. My neighborhood is dangerous. The reason I neighborhood is dangerous. The reason I believe that crime is a problem in my believe that crime is a problem in my neighborhood is because people get hurt and neighborhood is because people get hurt and things get stolen, the cops don’t do nothing things get stolen, the cops don’t do nothing about it. The fact of the matter is you can’t about it. The fact of the matter is you can’t trust those lazy cops. There all corrupt. trust those lazy cops. There all corrupt.

Crime in My Neighborhood Crime in My Neighborhood

I grew up in a small town in I grew up in a small town in Alberta, a western province of Alberta, a western province of Canada. Two years ago, my father Canada. Two years ago, my father got a job in the Midwest, so my got a job in the Midwest, so my family moved to a suburb west of family moved to a suburb west of Chicago. The neighborhood where I Chicago. The neighborhood where I live now, Suburbia, Illinois, is very live now, Suburbia, Illinois, is very different from where I grew up. Here, different from where I grew up. Here, crimes occur more frequently. And crimes occur more frequently. And lately the crimes seem to be getting lately the crimes seem to be getting more serious. more serious.

Crime (continued)Crime (continued)Some recent crimes have been annoying, Some recent crimes have been annoying,

and others have been frightening. Property and others have been frightening. Property crime has become more common. Gang crime has become more common. Gang graffiti keeps appearing on buildings, walls, graffiti keeps appearing on buildings, walls, fences, lamp posts, everywhere, despite the fences, lamp posts, everywhere, despite the efforts of home owners and the city’s clean-up efforts of home owners and the city’s clean-up crew to get rid of it. One afternoon last spring, crew to get rid of it. One afternoon last spring, I left my bicycle in our driveway for a few I left my bicycle in our driveway for a few minutes, and it was stolen. Neighbors have had minutes, and it was stolen. Neighbors have had bicycles and other items damaged or stolen bicycles and other items damaged or stolen too.too.

Crime (continued)Crime (continued)

Local crimes have, in the past few Local crimes have, in the past few months, become even more serious. months, become even more serious. Several houses on our block have been Several houses on our block have been burglarized. There was even a home burglarized. There was even a home invasion nearby; though no one was hurt, a invasion nearby; though no one was hurt, a young couple was held at gun point for over young couple was held at gun point for over an hour. And just yesterday, a man who was an hour. And just yesterday, a man who was walking to the train at seven in the morning walking to the train at seven in the morning was jumped by several teenagers, robbed, was jumped by several teenagers, robbed, and badly beaten up. He’s still in the and badly beaten up. He’s still in the hospital. hospital.

Crime (continued)Crime (continued)

Over the past year, it seems as though Over the past year, it seems as though crime has increased in frequency and crime has increased in frequency and severity, and the criminals have severity, and the criminals have become more daring and more violent. become more daring and more violent. Residents of Suburbia, Illinois are Residents of Suburbia, Illinois are asking the police why the authorities asking the police why the authorities are not doing more to stop the are not doing more to stop the criminals. criminals.

EditingEditing Make paragraphs coherent and use transitions. Make paragraphs coherent and use transitions.

Sentences should lead the reader logically from Sentences should lead the reader logically from one idea to the next. Keep important points at one idea to the next. Keep important points at the beginning and the end. the beginning and the end.

Be sure sentences are complete. Save very short Be sure sentences are complete. Save very short sentences or fragments for emphasis. sentences or fragments for emphasis.

Edit out wordiness: Edit out wordiness: The reason is The reason is because….The fact of the matter is….because….The fact of the matter is….

Use spell check and grammar check but also Use spell check and grammar check but also proofread. Watch out for lack of punctuation, proofread. Watch out for lack of punctuation, misused words, homonyms.misused words, homonyms.

Don’t add punctuation, especially commas or Don’t add punctuation, especially commas or apostrophes, if you don’t know why you are apostrophes, if you don’t know why you are using it.using it.