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TrAGEDYParenting in the Midst of
Glenn Lutjens, M.A., LMFT
ContentsIntro................................................................................................... 2
Trytokeepyourchildinaroutineasmuchaspossible....................... 4
Letchildrenknowyouarethereforthem............................................ 4
Havefunwithyourchild................................................................... 5
Tellyourchildthatbeinghonestwithouremotions
isnotonlyOK,butvaluable....................................................... 5
Acceptyourchild’semotionsastheyare.............................................. 6
Don’tavoiddiscussingthetragedywithyourchild,
butdon’tobsessoniteither........................................................ 6
Letyourchildaskquestionsaboutlifeatadeeperlevel....................... 7
Withoutfrighteningthem,pointouttoyourchildrenthathurt
andpaindohappeninourworld................................................ 8
Helpyourchildtakeastepbackfromthetragedy............................... 8
Understandthatyourchildmayhavelosttrustinyou......................... 8
Becarefulofmediaoverloadforyourchild.......................................... 9
Ifforsomereasonyourchilddoesn’ttalkfreelywithyou,
lethimtalktoasafe,familiarpersonaboutthetragedy............... 9
Acceptnonverbalformsofprocessingthetragicevent....................... 10
Expecttheupsanddowns................................................................. 11
Tellyourchildrenyoulovethem....................................................... 11
Faceyourownpainrelatedtothetragedy.......................................... 12
Overwhelmed................................................................................... 13
Disconnected.................................................................................... 14
Createnewdreamsforthefuture...................................................... 15
FocusOnTheFamily.com
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Though,rightnow,yourlifeisprobablyfilledwithuncertainties,onethingistrue:Theexperienceyouoryourfamilyfaceisnotthewayyouwouldhavewrittenlife’sscript.Somethingpainfulorevencatastrophichasoccurredinyourworld,andyouarenowleftwiththechallengeoftryingtopickupthepiecesandmoveforward.Theravagesoftornadoes,hurricanes,floods,earthquakes,fires,epidemics,terrorism,war,death,suicideorinjurycanleaveusoverwhelmedandconfused.
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Parentinginthe Midst of Tragedy
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Nothing will eliminate the pain that you or your children have suffered, but there are steps you can take to help your family face those circumstances with courage and confidence.
When a child witnesses or experiences a tragedy, your guidance and input as a parent is crucial to the level of recovery that will occur. Humans were designed to be resilient in the face of difficult circumstances as long astheyfacethepain.Keepinmindthateachchildisdifferent—one’spersonality,pastexperiencesandagecancreateuniquereactionsthatrequirespecificresponsesonyourpart.Observeyourchildandseewhatemotional,mentalandspiritualchangesyoudetectsincethetraumahasoccurred.
Herearesomesuggestionsthatmaygiveyourchildthebestopportunitytoworkthroughthepainoftherecentevent.
Parentinginthe
Try to keep your child in a routine as much as possible.
Whentraumastrikes,disorientation,doubtandconfusionwilllikelyhappen.Balancedroutinewillcreateasenseofnormalcyinachild’slife.Rightnowmuchofyourchild’slifemayfeellikeit’supsidedown.Butwhatactivitiescancontinuewithminimalinterruption?Canfamiliarfoodbeprepared?Canabedtimeroutinecarryonuninterrupted?Canachildcontinueschoollifeasbefore?Nodoubt,circumstanceswillrequirechange,butgivingthoughttohowyoucanmaintainfamiliarpatternswillbewellworththeeffort.
Let children know you are there for them.
Giveverbal,emotionalandphysicalsupportthroughpraise,hugsandalisteningear.Asenseofsecuritywilloftengiveyourchildthestrengthtofacethetrauma.
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Itispossibletodothistoexcess.Ifthathappens,thechildmaywonderwhoreallyneedsthesupport,himselfortheparent.Oraparentmaysmotherwithtoomuchattention,andactuallycreatemorefearandinsecuritiesinthechild.
Have fun with your child.
Asdifficultasitmayfeel,dothingsthatallowyoutolaughtogether.Playinggames,tellingjokes,orsharingfamilystoriescanhelplighteneveryone’sload.Workingthroughthepainwilltaketime,butfunandlaughterareanecessarypartoftheprocess.Aboardgame,atriptothepark,lunchatalocalrestaurant,oragoodmovietogethercanhelpputasmileonyourchild’sface.Grievingcan’ttakeplaceinanonstopfashion—weallneedtheemotionalbreakthatfunprovides.
Tell your child that being honest with our emotions is not only OK, but valuable.
We’reeachmadeintheimageofourCreator,emotionsandall.Useunderstandablewordpicturestopresenttheimportanceoffacingourfeelings.Forexample,toconveythetruthofMatthew5:4,NIV,“Blessedarethosewhomourn,fortheywillbecomforted,”youcouldtalkaboutbandages.Theykeepdirtout,buttheyletairin.Justaswoundsarehealedbyexposuretoair,so,
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too,hurtsarehealedwhenthepainisfaced.Achildmaydevelopbehavioralpatternsthatlockoutthefearsorhurts.Socialwithdrawal,passivity,aggressiveness,rebellionorbusyness,substanceabuse,etc.,maybeusedtopushthefeelingsaway.Suchpatternsmaywinthebattlebutwillultimatelylosethewar.Theymaycreateafalsesenseofpeaceforthemoment,butattheexpenseofevertrulygainingfreedomfromtheenslavingemotions.
Accept your child’s emotions as they are.
Yourchild’semotionswillvary.Onemayinitiallyexperienceshock,disbeliefordenial.Therangeofemotionssuchasfear,hurt,anger,rage,doubt,depression,hopelessness,guilt,apathyandsadnessmaycomeandgo.Whenyourchildexpressesemotions,acceptthem;don’ttrytoproduceadifferentemotionthatmakesyoufeelmorecomfortable.Generally,ifyourchildishonestlyfacinghisemotions,overtime,resolutionwillhappen.
Don’t avoid discussing the tragedy with your child, but don’t obsess on it either.
Aparentmaybetemptedtosimplydistractthechildandnotevertalkaboutthetragedy.Inreality,theeffectsofthetraumaarestillthere,theyjusthaven’thadanoutlettohelpthehealingprocess.Besensitivetowhatyourchildneedsorwantstotalkabout—bethereto
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listen.Parentsmayunknowinglyoverwhelmachildwithabarrageofquestions.Thechildmayexperiencediscomfortfromsuchanapproach,andwithdraw.Youmayfindthatachildtalksmoreopenlywhensharinganactivitywithyousidebyside,liketakingawalk,thanduringaface-to-facediscussion.
Let your child ask questions about life at a deeper level.
“Isthereanythingbeyondwhatwesee?WhydoesGodallowsufferinginourworld?Whathappenswhenwedie?”Theseareimportantquestionschildrenmaybestrugglingwith.Givethemthefreedomtoraisethem.Thequestionschildrenaskprovideawindowintothewaystheyaretryingtomakesenseofthestormtheyfindthemselvesin.Youdon’tneedtoknowalltheanswers,butitwillbevaluableforyoutograpplewithsomeofthesesameissuesifyouhavenotalreadydoneso.YoumightaskyourchildrenwhatquestionstheywouldwanttoaskGodaboutthetragedy.
Without frightening them, point out to your children that hurt and pain do happen in our world.
Letthemknowthatyouwilldoeverythingwithinyourpowertoprovidefortheirsafety.Buttheyalsoneedtounderstandthattherearelimitstothesafetyyoucanoffer.ItbecomesthatmuchmoreimportanttoputourultimatetrustintheOnewhomadeus.
Help your child take a step back from the tragedy.
Inthemiddleoftheemotionalchaos,helpyourchildgainsomeperspectiveonit.Sometimesit’simportanttostepoutofthewhirlwindandobserveourthoughtsandemotionsratherthanlivinginthem.Youmighttalkaboutwhatitwouldbeliketoflyinanairplaneandseethetraumafromabove.Whatwouldyoulearnaboutthetragedyfromthatvantagepoint?
Understand that your child may have lost trust in you.
Particularlyyoungerchildrenwillviewparentsasall-powerful.Whentragedystrikestheymayaskquestionslike:“Whydidn’tmyparentskeepmesafe?CanItrustthemanymore?”Themoreachild’sneedshavepreviouslybeenmetinaconsistentmanner,theeasieritwillbeto
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regaintrust.Giveyourchildsmallopportunitiestotrustyoubeforeexpectinglargerexpressionsofit.Giveittime.Andavoidthetemptationoftakingyourchild’sdistrustpersonally.
Be careful of media overload for your child.
Youmaynotwanttokeepyourchildfromallmediaimages,butunnecessaryrepetitionofthemcandofurtherharmbycreatinginsecuritiesandfears.YoumightreadtogetherinsteadofwatchingthenewsonTV.Theyoungerthechild,themoredamagingtheexposuretotheimageswillbe.Butbecareful,olderchildrenmaylookliketheycanhandleanything,buttheycanalsobeharmedbytraumaoverload.
If for some reason your child doesn’t talk freely with you, let him talk to a safe, familiar person about the tragedy.
Sharingfeelingswithsomeonewillbeagreathelpinprocessingtherecentevent,evenifit’snotwithaparent.Sometimestheonlyalternativeisholdingitin,andthatwon’thelp.Ifpossible,thatpersonshouldbethesamegenderasyourchildandshareyourworldview.Longterm,yourgoalasaparentcanbetodevelopamoreopenrelationshipwithyourchild.Sharingyourfeelingswillworktodevelopacloserconnectionforthefuture.
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Accept nonverbal forms of processing the tragic event.
Notallwaysofaddressingpainaredonethroughdiscussion,especiallyinchildren.It’ssaidthatapictureisworthathousandwords.Art,gamesanddramacanconveydeepfearsandhurtssurroundingatragedythatwouldnototherwisebeexpressed.Journalingandpoetrymayexpressthroughapenwhatwouldneverbeutteredthroughone’slips.Becreativewithyourchildandfindwaystoexpressanddiscusstheseemotions.Forexample,fingerpaintingmightgiveexpressiontoone’ssenseofconfusionaboutthetrauma.
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Expect the ups and downs.
Dealingwithtragedyhasitsebbsandflows.Onemaybemovingforwardquitewellandthen,allofasudden,seeminglyoutofnowhere,willgethitwithawaveofemotions.Letyourchildknowthatsuchanexperienceisnormal.Thesewavesofgriefwillcome,butifdealtwith,theywilldiminishovertime.
Giveyourchildthechancetomeetotherswhohavealsogonethroughthetragedy.Ifsomeoneisnotaroundotherswho’vegonethroughasimilarstruggle,itcanleadapersontobelieve,“I’mtheonlyone.”Itcanhelptobearoundotherswhocansharetheirstoriesofhealingandhope.It’simportant,though,thatsomeonehelpsguidethegroupsothatthereisaconstructivetonetothediscussion.
Tell your children you love them.
Forsomeofus,that’snoteasytosay.Yet,tragedyhasawayofshowingusthebrevityandfragilenatureoflife.Ifit’snoteasytosay,writeitfirstinanote.Butworktowardbecomingmorecomfortablewiththosewords
evenifyoudidn’thearthemasachild.Lovehasawayofshowingusthatthere’smoretolifethanwhatwesee.
Face your own pain related to the tragedy.Ifyourchildhasfacedpain,thereisaverygoodchanceyouhaveaswell.Initially,thecircumstancesmayhaverequiredyourimmediateattentiontosurvivalorotherdetails—findingfoodandwater,gatheringbelongings,movingtosafety,contactingfamilymembersaboutthetragedy,etc.Youhadnotimetothinkaboutfacingtheemotionsinvolved.It’stemptingtostayinthetaskmode:“IfI’veavoidedthefeelingsthislong,maybeIcandosoforever.”Butthattacticwillfailatsomepoint.Itmayoccurlateratastresspointwhenit’simportanttodealwithlifeinarational,healthymanner.Asaresult,youwillprobablybelessavailabletoyourchildatthatmomentthanifyouhaddeliberatelyworkedthroughyourownpainearlier.
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Hopefully,thewayyouaddressyouremotionswillmodelforyourchildrenawaytheycanconstructivelyfacetheirs.Don’toverwhelmthemwithyourfeelings—childrenneedtoseeevidenceinaparentthatemotionscanbemanaged.Ontheotherhand,theyneedtoseepainaddressed.Emotionsarenottheenemy.Youmayneedtotalkwithsomeone,writeoutwhatyou’refeelingorevenshedtearsoverthecircumstancesyou’veencountered.Ifyoupushitdown,itwillstaythere.Itusuallydoesn’tstaytherebutisexpressedinlesshealthyways.Rememberwhatyou’vesharedwithyourchild,“It’snotonlyOKtobehonestwithyouremotions,it’svaluable.”
Overwhelmed
Normal,simpletasksthatoncewerecommonplaceinyourchild’sroutinemaynowbeextremelydifficult,ifpossibleatall.Thechild’semotionsoffear,angerorsadnessmaybetriggeredwithoutapparentreason.Thisisnotuncommonshortlyafteradisaster.Butifyourchildremainsoverwhelmedovertime,itmayindicatethatyourchildisstuckandneedsfurtherhelp.Yourchildmayexperiencedistressingthoughts,nightmares,difficultysleepingortrauma-relatedflashbacksthatwillindicatetheneedforprofessionalhelp.
Ifpossible,haveacounselorevaluatehim.Communicatetoyourchildyouravailabilitythroughyourpresence.Lookatthestresslevelyourchildisshouldering.Itmight
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betooheavy.Aretheresomereasonablewaystoreduceit?Youmayneedtotemporarilyshouldersomeofhisresponsibilitiesyourself.Becareful,though;youmightunintentionallycreateapatternoflearnedhelplessnessinyourchildifitpersists.Helpingyourchildtakegradualstepstoregainresponsibilitymayminimizethatproblem.
Disconnected
Ontheotherhand,yourchildmaybe“underwhelmed,”seeminglywithdrawnorunaffectedbythewholeexperience.Thiscanbejustasdangerous,sincetheemotionsmaybesofrighteningthatthechildpushesthemawaycompletely.Thismaybedifficulttodetectsincethechildislivinglifeinaseeminglynormalfashion.Peoplemayunknowinglyreinforcethedisconnectionbypraisingherstrengthorcourage.Butallisnotwell.Thechildmayexhibitadetachedquality,showinglittleornoemotionaboutthetrauma,andcompletelyavoidingdiscussionofthepastevents.
Helpyourchildgraduallyfacewhatisbeingavoided.Beyondourdislikeofpain,seeifthere’saspecificreasonfortheavoidance.Thissituationmaybeonlyoneofmanypainsencounteredinyourchild’slife,andmayhavecreatedanemotionalbacklog.Itmaysimplyfeelsafertonumboneselfthanaddressthepain.Show
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patience.Duringaside-by-sidemoment,youmightaskaquestionlike,“Talkingaboutthefloodisn’teasytodo,isit?”Again,howyourchildseesyoudealwithatragiceventcangoalongwaytowardencouraginghimtodosoaswell.Asmuchasyoumayseethevalueofworkingonit,yourchildhastodecideifshewilldealwithherownemotions.Ifyourchildisopentoit,meetingwithacounselormayprovideasafeoutletforthemixofemotionsthatneedexpression.
Itwouldbealoteasierifwecouldignorelife’stragicevents.Wemaythink,“Justpushpastitandeverythingwillbefine.”Unfortunately,thatwon’tsolvetheproblem.
Create new dreams for the future.
“It’sover;there’snohope.”Tragedywilldiscourageasenseofexcitementandoptimismaboutthefuturemore
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thananythingelse.Yet,evenwithasmuchpainasyouandyourchildhaveexperienced,youcanfaceanewtomorrow.Withoutfacingthehurts,suchathoughtismerelyflowerysentiments.Butifgriefhasoccurred,youandyourchildcanlookforwardwithhope.Whenaforestburnsdownthere’spotentialfornewgrassandplantstotakeroot.Talkwithyourchildaboutnewpossibilitiesanddreams.Discussandwritedowngoalsthatcanbepursued.It’ssaid,“Withoutavision,thepeopleperish.”
Helpingyourchilddealwithemotionswiththeintentofmovingforwardisamarkofyourlove.MayyoufindGod’sgracetohelpyouwiththeopportunitiesthatlieahead.Pleasecallusat1-800-A-FAMILY(232-6459)andfindotherresourcesatfocusonthefamily.com.
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