Phone Six Drft7

8/6/2019 Phone Six Drft7

1/30

Phone Six Edwin McRae 2006

Phone Six

A Radio Play by Edwin McRae

Scene 1: Alex and Marees Kitchen

AlexMaree

A SMALL COFFEE MACHINE BUILDS TO A CRESCENDO.AS IT POURS THE COFFEE, THE DOOR OPENS AND ALEX

ENTERS, YAWNING. HE OPENS AND CLOSES THEREFRIDGERATOR AND POURS THE MILK AND COFFEINTO TWO MUGS. MAREE ENTERS, SHUFFLING ALONGTHE LINOLEUM IN SLIPPERS.

Alex: (JOKINGLY) Its alive.

Maree: (TIRED) Is the coffee ready?

Alex: Yup. Remind me, Maree. Sugar?

Maree: I thought you would have known by now, Alex.

Alex: I just can never remember. Your mum has sugar. (HASTILY) Not that Imsaying youre like your mum.

Maree:One sugar. Rounded.

Alex: Right.

ALEX STIRS SUGAR INTO THE COFFEES AND THEN SIPS LOUDLYFROM HIS.

Alex: (SATISFIED SIGH) That is the shit.

Maree: Do you have to slurp like that, Alex?

Alex: Yes, Im slurping my way into the day.

Maree: Fine. So what are you doing today?

1


2/30


3/30


Alex: (ANGRY) Will you please let me finish my sentences?! You tell me not tointerrupt but

Maree: (ON THE VERGE OF TEARS) Please, just go.

Alex: No! You cant just

Maree: (SHOUTING AND CRYING) Im so sick of you!

MAREE EXITS AND SLAMS THE DOOR.

Alex: (IN EXTREME FRUSTRATON, JAW CLENCHED) Aaaahhhh!

ALEX POURS HIS COFFEE DOWN THE SINK AND SLAMS HIS MUG ONTHE BENCH. HE PROCEEDS TO ASSEMBLE CORNFLAKES

AND MILK, SLAMMING CUPBOARD DOORS ANDMAKING AS MUCH ANGRY BANGING OF THINGS ASPOSSIBLE.

FINALLY HE SITS AND FURIOUSLY MUNCHES HIS CONFLAKES.

Alex (CONTD): (REMEMBERS) Bugger! Organize the Life Insurance.(YELLING THROUGH THE WALL TO MAREE) Would it havebeen that hard to tell me that?

ALEX FINISHES HIS CORNFLAKES AND DUMPS HISBOWL AND SPOON IN THE METAL SINK. HE FLICKSTHROUGH THE PAGES OF A TELEPHONE BOOK ANDPICKS UP THE PHONE. A DIAL TONE SOUNDS AND ALEXTAPS A NUMBER INTO THE KEYPAD.

3


4/30


Scene 2: Phone Call to Evening Star Insurance

Alex

Pre-recorded VoiceAnubisLilith

THE PHONE RINGS SIX TIMES BEFORE CONNECTING.

Pre-recorded Voice: (CHEERFUL) Welcome to Evening Star Insurance Limited. I canunderstand what you say, so when I ask a question, just speak.(BEAT) Would you like; one car insurance, two home

insurance, three contents insurance, four health insurance, five liability insurance, six bereavement insurance, seven flood,earthquake and nuclear apocalypse insurance, eight fire andbrimstone insurance or nine life insurance.

Alex: Nine life insurance.

Pre-recorded Voice: Thank-you. At Evening Star Insurance we are all about peace ofmind. We mindyourpeace. I will transfer you to one of ourcustomer service representatives.

THE HOLD MUSAK CUTS IN FOR A CHORUS OF THE DEVIL CAMEDOWN TO GEORGIA.

Pre-recorded Voice: Im sorry. All of our competent and friendly representatives are oncalls at the moment. Would you like to speak to one of ourincompetent and unfriendly representatives?

Alex: Not really.

Pre-recorded Voice: Im sorry, I could not understand what you said.

Alex: (BEMUSED) Okay then.

Pre-recorded Voice: Excellent. If at any point you regret your decision, simply pressone and you will be transferred immediately back to the audiowaiting room.

THE PHONE RINGS TWICE.

4


5/30


Anubis: (WITH A STRONG EGYPTIAN ACCENT) Yes please.

Alex: Um, what?

Anubis: Yes please, what do you want?

Alex: Oh, hello. I want to organize life insurance for myself and my wife.

Anubis: And what is being your name?

Alex: Alexander Kemp.

Anubis: I am Anubis and am pleas-ed to be making your acquaintance. Areyou alive, Alexander Kemp?

Alex: Yes, last time I checked.

Anubis: Then you cannot be collecting the insurance of the life. Will yoube dying soon?

Alex: I hope not.

Anubis: Well, if you are hoping not to be dying soon and you can be onlycollecting the monies when you are dead then what is the point ofhaving insurance of the life?

Alex: Ah, so my wife can collect the money if I die?

Anubis: (EVIL CHUCKLE) I know that if I am telling my wife that shewill be getting $500,000 when I am dying then I am soon floatingin the Nile with a dagger in my liver.

A KNIFE STRIKES FLESH, A MAN SCREAMS AND FALLS IN WATER.

Alex: (DISTURBED) Right. I thought murder wasnt covered.

Anubis: Is not. That would be an accident. Things like that be happeningaccidentally all the time in my neck of the desert.

Alex: Well, that doesnt happen very often around here. So how much does it cost?

Anubis: Your life of course. What a ridiculous question. I am thinking thatyou are very stupid and your manhood is a bean sprout. (LAUGHSLOUDLY, ALMOST MANIACLY)

Alex: What?!

5


6/30


Anubis: I like to make insult. To insult the man is to honour the man. Ittakes time and effort to insult properly. (BEAT) Your sack is fullof raisins and I would not be riding your wife if she were the lastcamel in Egypt.

Alex: Look, I just

Anubis: If you were any stupider I would be having to water you twice aweek.

Alex: Hold on, I

Anubis: If my baboon was having a face like your wifes then I be teachingit to walk backwards.

A MONKEY LAUGHS. IT CONTINUES LAUGHING QUIETLY BENEATHTHE DIALOGUE.Alex: You cant say

Anubis: Am merely helping you to be making an inform-ed decision, dogfood face. I am assisting you to be achieving correct mental statefor the rest of your journey today. (BEAT) You squeal like arhesus monkey that has a fire ant up its bottom.

THE MONKEY SCREAMS ONCE AND FALLS SILENT.

Alex: Stop saying

Anubis: Your mother was a hairy bison and your father works in taxes.

Alex: You -

Anubis: You are a jelly fish man. Fat, squishy and completely without -

ALEX PRESSES ONE AND IS TRANSFERED BACK TO THE AUDIOWAITING ROOM. DEVIL WOMAN PLAYS FOR ONECHORUS.

Alex: (OVER THE MUSIC) Bastard! What the hell sort of company is this?(BREATHS OUT SLOWLY, TRYING TO CALM HIMSELF)

THE PHONE RINGS TWICE AND CONNECTS. SULTRYJAZZ PLAYS SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

6


7/30


Lilith: (SMOOTH AND SEXY) Hello, life insurance, Lilith speaking. How may I be ofservice to you?

Alex: Your not going to abuse me are you?

Lilith: Not unless you want me to.

Alex: No, not today thanks. The last guy was more than enough.

Lilith: Was your last customer representative less than satisfactory?

Alex: You could say that.

Lilith: Then allow me to satisfy you. Would like to start an insurance policy with us?

Alex: Yes, I would. And for my wife too.

Lilith: What is your name?

Alex: Alexander Kemp.

Lilith: Alexander is a strong name. It means he who defends in Greek. Im sure youare as strong as your name, Alexander.

Alex: (PLEASED & SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED) Um, thanks.

Lilith: And your date of birth?

Alex: The eleventh of April, 1971.

Lilith: And an Aries as well. Forceful and determined. A born leader perhaps?

Alex: Maybe. I run my own business.

Lilith: And what is it you do, strong man?

Alex: I design optimum floor spaces for retail stores.

Lilith: Strength and creativity, a lethal combination.

Alex: (LAUGHS) I guess.

Lilith: And what is your wifes name?

Alex: (DEFLATED) Oh um, Maree.

7


8/30


Lilith: Maree. Thats a nice name. It means tide, as in the ocean. But you dont say itnicely.

Alex: What do you mean?

Lilith: A man in love says his lovers name as if he is tasting the first bite of a beautifulmeal, savouring the delicacy of each new flavour.

Alex: And how do I say it?

Lilith: Like you are scraping your plate.

Alex: Well, weve had an argument. (PAUSE) I really shouldnt be telling you this.

Lilith: A man who pronounces his wifes name as if it were a chicken bone needs to talk.

There is more to life than insurance. And I like to hear your voice.

Alex: You do? Why?

Lilith: It is a kind voice, relaxing.

Alex: Thank you.

Lilith: So what did you argue about?

Alex: I forgot that I had to organize our life insurance.

Lilith: That is all?

Alex: No, not really. Weve been arguing about small things forit seems for as longas weve been marriedbut it cant be. There must have been atime when we didnt argue.

Lilith: Emotion colours memory.

Alex: Well, I cant seem to remember any more.

Lilith: Cant remember what?

Alex: Why we married. (SIGHS) I work, she spends, we argue. Were the greatsuburban dream. Its so tempting to leave, sell everything andretire to a mountain top where I can have intellectual intercoursewith yaks and goats on the pitfalls of marriages, mortgages andmauve leather lounge suites on 20% interest. (BEAT) Sorry, nowIm ranting.

8


9/30


Lilith: If I were married to such a man as you, Alexander, I would remind you every daywhy we were married.

Alex: (COYLY) Really? And how would you do that?

Lilith: (LAUGHS) The true language of love is difficult to communicate through a fiber-optic cable.

Alex: (EMBARRASSED) I see. So, inyourmarriage there would be no arguing?

Lilith: Of course there would be arguing passionate and violent, such that the wallswould tremble and the ground would shudder. And then we wouldbe make up, as sweet as a sunny morning after a thunder storm.But there would be no bickering!

A LOW HUMMING, LIKE A THOUSAND MOSQUITOS, BUILDS UNDERLILITHS DIALOGUE.

Lilith (CONTD): Bickering is death by a thousand tiny bites every day. Bickering isa blood sucking parasite on thin black wings that hums and buzzesin your ears all day and all night. Bickering drains the love fromyour heart, drop by rich, red drop, until you are like aa....

Alex: A what?

Lilith: Like a sun dried tomato.

Alex: (LAUGHS) Yes, that works. (GROWS SOMBRE) Maree and I bicker all thetime. Thats all we do.

Lilith: Is it too late to save your love or have the bugs of bickering drunk their fill?

Alex: Im a sun-dried tomato.

Lilith: Then what will you do?

Alex: What I should have done for some time now. Leave.

Lilith: Leave and let die. Life is too short for sadness. There is too much love out thereto explore.

Alex: Yes, I suppose there is. (PAUSE) Lilith, what do you look like?

Lilith: I look like I sound. I sound like I look.

9


10/30


Alex: Well, you have a beautiful voice.

Lilith: How kind. For that I shall send you my face. What is your mobile number?

Alex: (HESITATES, NERVOUS) Um, I

Lilith: Do you not want to see my face?

Alex: No, I mean yes, I do. (PAUSE) 025 735 2498.

Lilith: Wonderful.

LILITH TAPS AT THE KEYS OF A CELL PHONE.

Lilith (CONTD): There, it is done.

Alex: Ill have to go and get my cell phone.

Lilith: In that case, may I make a suggestion before you go?

Alex: Whats that?

Lilith: I would suggest that you do not buy life insurance from this company.

Alex: Youre the second Evening Star employee whos said that today.

Lilith: I would suggest instead that you call back and try six bereavement insuranceand ask for Policy 15642.

Alex: Whats bereavement insurance?

Lilith: Insurance against the accidentalloss of a loved one.

Alex: Accidental loss?

Lilith: Satisfaction is completely, ineluctably guaranteed.

Alex: You mean that you

Lilith: I will let those at bereavement explain this to you. Call them and once you havedecided on your policy, call me and we shall talk agreatdealmore. Remember, policy 15642. (PAUSE) Good bye for now,Alexander.

Alex: Um, goodbye, Lilith.

10


11/30


THE CONNECTION ENDS AND ALEX PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.

11


12/30


Scene 3 Alex and Marees Hallway

AlexMaree

Alex: (BEWILDERED) Bloody hell.

ALEX PICKS UP THE PHONE, BEGINS TO DIAL AND THEN PUTS THEPHONE DOWN AGAIN. HE BREATHS OUT SLOWLY ANDPACES ON THE LINOLEUM.

Alex (CONTD): Dammit! I need to talk to her first.

ALEX OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. HEKNOCKS ON A BEDROOM DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS

ABRUPTLY.

Maree (COLDLY ANGRY) Whats this?

Alex: (CONFUSED) Its my cell phone.

Maree: (UNDER HER BREATH) Shit. I mean whats this?

THE CELL PHONE BEEPS AS MAREE PRESSES A BUTTON.

Alex: Oh.

Maree: Who is this woman and why is she sending you her picture?

Alex: Um, shes (THINKS FAST) someone who works for one of my clients.

Maree: Why is this someone who works for one of your clients sending you her picture?

Alex: Shes going to be helping me with the presentations. Shes in marketing.

Maree: Shes very beautiful, isnt she.

Alex: (A LITTLE STUNNED BY LILITHS BEAUTY AS HE LOOKS MORECLOSELY) Um, yeah.

Maree: (MIMICS ALEX) Um, yeah. (SIGHS) At least you can be honest about that.

Alex: Maree, I

Maree:Whats her name?

12


13/30


Alex: What?

Maree: Are you deaf as well as being a complete and utter bastard?(THREATENINGLY) What is her name?

Alex: Its Lilith.

Maree: (AS IF TASTING SOMETHING SOUR) Lilith. Well Alex, Lilith is welcome toyou because you know what?

Alex: What?

Maree: Im finished with you.

Alex: Maree!

Maree: (BEGINNING TO CRY) Im sick of arguing with you. Im sick of you lying tome.

Alex: Maree, I dontlie to you.

Maree: Youre so full of shit, Alex. You promised, after Sarah, that you would

Alex: Sarah was a mistake. Weve been through that a hundred times!

Maree: And still you dont get it.

Alex: Lilith doesnt mean anything.

Maree: Then I feel sorry for her, because I know what its like not to meaning anything.

Alex: Maree, thats not

Maree: Yes it is, Alex. You just cant admit it. This relationship is screwed up beyondbelief and your not prepared to do anything about it! Ivesuggested counseling, but you say you dont want to talk about ourprivate lives with a stranger. I suggest we go on holiday. You saywe cant afford it! Why do I bother?

Alex: Fine! Then why dont we just separate and be done with it? Whats the point indragging this out when neither of us is happy?

Maree: (FURIOUS) You always want to take the easy way out, Alex. Thats why youslept with Sarah. She was the easy option.

Alex: (INDIGNANT) Thats not true!

13


14/30


Maree: Wake up, Alex. Youve got so good at denial, you dont even know whats trueanymore.

Alex: I know one thing thats true.

Maree:What?

Alex: Youre the reason that were in such financial crap! Youre the one who wanted abig wedding. Youre the one who just hadto have a house inThorndon. Youre the one constantly buying crap we dont evenneed.! Every time you get depressed about our money situationyou try to make yourself feel better by buying something bloodyelse! Youre sinking us!

Maree: Dont try to blame it all on me! You agreed to the weddingand the house.

Alex: Becauseyou wanted them so much.

Maree: Oh, for gods sakes, Alex. Stop playing the victim and take some responsibilityfor your life!

Alex: I could say exactly the same thing to you!Maree: Im sick of arguing and Im sick to death ofyou!

MAREE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND WE HEAR HER MUFFLEDCRYING ON THE OTHER SIDE. ALEX BANGS ON THEDOOR.

Alex: Maree!

Maree: (MUFFLED SHOUT) Go away!

Alex: Please open the door!

Maree: (MUFFLED SHOUT) Go to hell, Alex!

Alex: (SHOUTED) Maree!

MAREE CONTINUES TO SOB.

Alex (CONTD): Maree! Fine! If thats what you want then you can go to hell aswell!

14


15/30


ALEX STORMS DOWN THE HALLWAY, ENTERS THE KITCHEN ANDSLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.

Alex: (YELLING TO MAREE THROUGH THE WALL) Have it your god damnedway, Maree. Goodbye!

ALEX PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS THE NUMBER FOR EVENINGSTAR INSURANCE.

15


16/30


Scene 4: Phone Call to Evening Star Insurance

Alex

MareePre-recorded VoiceAnubisLilith

Pre-recorded Voice: (CHEERFULLY) Welcome to Evening Star Insurance Limited. Ican understand what you say, so when I ask a question, just speak.(BEAT) Would you like

Alex: (ANGRY AND DETERMINED) Six bereavement insurance.

Pre-recorded Voice: Thank-you. At Evening Star Insurance we are all about peace ofmind. You may rest in peace with us. I will transfer you to one ofour customer service representatives.

THE PHONE RINGS SIX TIMES.

Alex: (DURING RINGING) Come on, come on!

THE PHONE CONNECTS.

Anubis: Yes please!

Alex: You!

Anubis: Hello, Alexander Kemp. I, Anubis, am being very pleased to bemaking your acquaintance again.

Alex: (THREATENINGLY) Look, mate. Im in no mood to be insulted. I want abereavement policy 15624 and I want it right, bloody now.

Anubis: Ah, 15624 is an excellent choice, Alexander. And what is beingthe name of the bereaved to be?

ALEX LETS OUT A LONG SIGH, TEETERING ON THE BRINK OF HISDECISION.

Anubis (CONTD): Alexander?

Alex: Maree Kemp.

16


17/30


Anubis: And what is being your address?

Alex: 54 Faustus Crescent, Thorndon, Wellington.

Anubis: Thank you, Alexander. You are a most excellent gentleman withthe heart of a Pharaoh.

Alex: What? Youre complimenting me now?

Anubis: You are nearing the end of a difficult journey, Alexander. Youshould, and shall be, rewarded. How would you like to receiveyour $500,000. Cheque, unmarked bills, camels, gold bullion ordirect debit.

Alex: Um, unmarked bills.

Anubis: Very good.

Alex: How much does the policy cost? (HASTILY) And dont start insulting me!

Anubis: For you, Alexander, the act is enough.

Alex: What do you mean? Its free?

Anubis: They say nothing in life is free Alexander, but death is beingremarkably economical. Do you have a preference as to themethod of the bereavement?

Alex: (STILL PROCESSING THE FACT THE ITS FREE) Um, no. In fact, I dontwant to know anything about it.

Anubis: Did you love your wife once?

Alex: Whats that got to do with it?

Anubis: Please be answering the question. It is of most importance.

Alex: Yes, I did, once.

Anubis: Then it is being wise to make a preference. Would you like thebereavement with or without suffering?

Alex: Oh shit. Without!

17


18/30


19/30


Anubis: Of course. I will be here awaiting your decision. Simply beasking Lilith to transfer you to Anubis when you are being ready.

THE PHONE RINGS THREE TIMES AND CONNECTS.

Lilith: Hello, Alexander.

Alex: Hi, Lilith.

Lilith: You have been speaking with Anubis?

Alex: Yes. The policy is all arranged. I just have to say yes. I dont know

Lilith: It is a decision not to be taken lightly. It is good to hear your kind voice again.Did you receive my picture?

Alex: (BRIGHTENING) Yes, I did. (PAUSE) Youre very beautiful, Lilith.

Lilith: (GIGGLES FLIRTATIOUSLY) Thank you, Alexander. I am looking forward toseeing whatyou look like.

Alex: Oh, IIm no Brad Pitt, Lilith.

Lilith: I am not interested in Brad Pitt, Alexander. I am interested in you. It isyourvoice that makes me smile.

Alex: (PLEASED) Um, thank you. (BEAT) Lilith, cant she just be taken awaysomewhere?

Lilith: She will be, but that is not what you mean, is it?

Alex: No. Im not doing this for the money.

Lilith: Of course not. You are a good man.

Alex: She doesnt understand me. She tells me shes sick of me but she still wont letgo. She thinks ending it is an easy option.

Lilith: There is nothing easy about what you are going through, Alexander. You are abrave man facing a great challenge.

Alex: I just want to be free. Free from this screwed up relationship and free from all thedebt.

Lilith: You want to start again?

19


20/30


Alex: Yes, I do. Will you meet me afterwards, Lilith? Dinner, maybe?

Lilith: Do you want me to be part of your new beginning, Alexander?

Alex: Yes, I think I do.

Lilith: You thinkyou do?

Alex: I know I do.

Lilith: Then meet me at the Underworld Caf, Cuba Street, in two days time. Midnight.

Alex: Midnight?

Lilith: Lilith means of the night. It is when I am at my most (SUGGESTIVELY)

energetic.

Alex: Oh. Underworld Caf, Midnight. Got it. (NERVOUSLY) Itll be quick wont it?They wont, um, hurt her?

Lilith: Unlike life, death can be a painless experience.

Alex: Alright. And like I said, its not about the money, its about freedom but

Lilith: When will you receive the money?

Alex: Yes.

Lilith: Anubis will bring it with him. I suggest you find a safe place for it and do notbank it all at once. Perhaps you could buy me the first drink?

Alex: (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Of course.

Lilith: Good. Make it shiraz. (SUGGESTIVELY) Red wine goes to my head veryquickly.

Alex: Great. Shiraz it will be.

Lilith: Wonderful. I will await our date with hungry anticipation. I may call it a date,may I Alexander?

Alex: I think so.

Lilith: You thinkso?

20


21/30


Alex: (LAUGHS) I know so. Oh, and Lilith, call me Alex.

Lilith: Does your wife call you Alex?

Alex: (CONFUSED) Yes?

Lilith: Then I will call you Alexander. A strong man like yourself needs a strongname. We should not abbreviate you.

Alex: Alexander it is then. (PAUSE) Okay, I suppose I should talk to Anubis again, getthis over and done with.

Lilith: Action is power, Alexander. Ask Anubis to transfer you back to me when youhave finished making your arrangements and we will talk a littlemore. It is a slow day for me today. No one seems to want lifeinsurance.

Alex: Maybe because you keep talking them out of it?

Lilith: (LAUGHS) Perhaps that is it. Until we speak again. Good luck my kind, strongAlexander.

Alex: Thanks, Lilith.

HIGHWAY TO HELL PLAYS THROUGH ONE CHORUS. THEN THEPHONE RINGS TWICE AND CONNECTS.

Anubis: Yes please!

Alex: The answer is

Anubis: Wait wait, Alexander Kemp. Let me be marking the occasion withsome fitting instrumentation. A decision of such magnitude isrequiring pomp and ceremony. (PAUSE) Okay, I am being ready.Say that again and pause after is.

Alex: (BEMUSED) Okay. The answer is

Anubis: Oh, being more dramatically, please!

Alex: (CLEARS HIS THROAT SPEAKS MORE CONFIDENTLY) The answer is

THERE IS A LONG DRUM ROLL THAT BUILDS GRADUALLY FROMPIANO TO FORTE AND FINISHES WITH A MASSIVEPERCUSSION.

21


22/30


Alex: Yes.

A HUGE CROWD CHEERS. FIREWORKS BURSTS FOR A FEW SECONDSACCOMPANIED BY THE CLIMAX OF TSCHAIKOWSKIS1812 OVERTURE. GRADUALLY IT FADES TO SILENCE.

Anubis: That is excellent news, Alexander!

Alex: So thats it? Thats all I have to do?

Anubis: That is all. Your 15624 bereavement policy has now beenactivated and will be carried out shortly. I am suggesting youleave the house. The money will be waiting for you upon yourreturn.

Alex: Um, wont people wonder where shes gone. Her family?

Anubis: That will all be taken care of, Alexander. It will be as if she hasleft the country on her own accord. There will be no suspicionslying on your feet. Although, I would suggest that you do notmake contact with her family again.

Alex: That really wont be a problem.

Anubis: Then our business is completed, Alexander. Is there anything elseyou would be liking me to do for you today?

Alex: Um, could you transfer me back to Lilith?

Anubis: Certainly. But dont be chatting too long, Alexander. Remember to be leaving the house.

Alex: Okay. Thanks, Anubis.

Anubis: Oh no. Thank you, Alexander Kemp.

THE PHONE RINGS SIX TIMES AND THEN CONNECTS.

Alex: (TOGETHER) Hello, Lilith?

Maree (TOGETHER) Hello, Anubis?

STUNNED SILENCE FOR THREE SECONDS.

Alex: Maree? Is that you?

22


23/30


Maree:Where are you, Alex?

Alex: Im in the kitchen. Where are you?

Maree: In the bedroom, on your cell phone. I was transferred and now, somehow, Im

talking to you.

Alex: (SUSPICIOUS) Transferred from where?

Maree: I was, um, organising our life insurance.

Alex: (SUSPICION BECOMES DREAD) So was I. Evening Star?

Maree: (ALSO REALISING) Oh no.

Alex: And Anubis is your insurance agent?

Maree: (GUILTILY) Yes. He arranged everything for me. (ACCUSING) So Lilith isyourinsurance agent then?

Alex: Yes.

Maree: (BITTERLY) Is she as charming and persuasive as she is beautiful?

Alex: (GUILTILY) Yes.

Maree:Youre an idiot.

Alex: What about Anubis then?

Maree:Sweet, funny and gorgeous.

Alex: Gorgeous? Anubis? He txt you a picture?

Maree: Yes.

Alex: Jesus. (BEAT) How much am I worth, Maree?

Maree:$300,000.

Alex: What? Im getting 500 for you!

Maree: $500,000? Wow. (HER MOMENT OF PRIDE PASSES) Thats a great exampleof your one big problem, Alex. You think life is a balance sheet.

23


24/30


Alex: And youre problem, Maree, is that you dont place enough value on me. Youtake me for granted, thinking you can sit there, exfoliating yourpores, under the ever-providing shade of the money tree calledAlex.

Maree:Hah! Scrooge McDuck speaks.

Alex: And the gold digger answers.

Maree:Gold digger? (ANGRY) You tight fisted

Alex: (INTERRUPTING) Money burning

Maree: - sticky palmed

Alex: - blood sucking

Maree: - penny pinching

Alex: - clingy parasitic

Maree: - tight, stingy

Alex: - debt delving

Maree: - coin clutching

Alex: - image obsessed

Maree: - O.C.D.

Alex: - financially retarded

Maree: (TOGETHER) miserly bastard!

Alex: (TOGETHER) trophy wife!

SILENCE FOR THREE SECONDS.

Alex: Maree? You still there?

Maree: Yes, still currently unbereaved.

Alex: I feel better after that.

24


25/30


Maree: Actually, so do I. Can you remember the last time we said exactly what wethought to each other?

Alex: No, I cant.

Maree: (PAUSE) You know what?

Alex: What?

Maree: Right now were doing exactly what they want us to do. The longer we argue onthe phone, the longer they have to get here and do their job.

Alex: True.

Maree:Feel like dying alone?

Alex: Not really.

Maree: Neither. Im coming through.

THE CELL PHONE DISCONNECTS. ALEX PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS.

Alex: Hi, trophy wife.

Maree: Hi, miserly bastard. So what do we do?

Alex: Ill call it off if you will.

Maree: Youd give up $500,000? You could still try to run.

Alex: Something tells me I wouldnt get very far.

Maree:Okay, we do it together.

Alex: Right. One, two, three.

THEY PICK UP THEIR RELATIVE PHONES AND DIAL. FAINTDISCONNECTED SIGNALS ARE THEIR ANSWER.

Alex: Bugger!

Maree: (FRIGHTENED) Okay, plan B.

Alex: (FRIGHTENED) Whats plan B?

25


26/30


Maree:Panic?

Alex: Why not?

THEY BOTH SCREAM LOUDLY FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND

THEN STOP SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Alex (CONTD): Did that help?

Maree:Yes, a little.

THERE IS A SUDDEN WHOOSHING SOUND AND A SMALL EXPLOSION,LIKE A BACKDRAFT OF FIRE.

Lilith: Hello, Alexander.

Anubis: Hello, Maree.

Maree: (TOGETHER, SARDONICALLY) Hello.

Alex: (TOGETHER, SARDONICALLY) Hello.

Lilith: So, how does it feel to know that you will be instantly wealthy and instantly deadin just a few moments.

Anubis: Ah, the irony that is being life, eh? Cue the dramatic music!

THE CLIMAX OF CAMINA BURANA PLAYS LOUDLY, ECHOINGTHROUGHOUT THE SPACE AS IF IN A MASSIVECONCERT HALL.

Alex: Wait, wait!

THE MUSIC WINDS DOWN.

Anubis: (ANNOYED) Oh, what is it being now?

Alex: Um, do you think I could say some last words to my wife before you bereave us?

Anubis: (SIGHS) I am supposing so. Lilith?

Lilith: Fine, but make it quick. Its happy hour at the Burning Fork in twenty minutes.

Anubis: Yes, true. Be hurrying it up, please.

Alex: Maree?

26


27/30


28/30


Alex: No, I dont think so. Theyre out to it. Nice shot by the way. Right between thehorns.

Maree: Thanks. Did you notice those on her in the picture?

Alex: No. Cant say they do it for me.

Maree: Neither does Anubis long ears or pronounced canines. Now lets see(SHEFUMBLES THROUGH LILITHS HANDBAG). What sort ofleather is this handbag made out of? Its very nice.

Alex: Um, best not to ask, I think. What are you looking for?

Maree: (STOPS SEARCHING) There we go.

Alex: Now thatis a nice cell phone. It always amazes me how shiny black can be.

Maree: Mmm, yes. (TAPS ON THE KEYS) And there we are, in Contacts,Bereavement Office. (SHE PRESSES CONNECT ANDPROCEEDS TO DO AN EXAGGERATED IMPRESSION OFLILITHS SEXY ACCENT) Hello Cain, Lilith here. Im out ofthe office and I want to cancel the 15624 policies on Maree andAlexander Kemp. (PAUSES TO LISTEN TO THE MUFFLED,UNINTELLIGIBLE VOICE ON THE OTHER END) Yes,immediately. (MUFFLED RESPONSE) Good. Theres been anerror so you may delete the file. (MUFFLED RESPONSE) Cain,darling, if you question me one more time Ill have you spit-roasted when I get back. (RESPONSE) Yes, darling. Were stillon for Friday. (RESPONSE) No, Anubis wont find out.(RESPONSE) Good, thank you, Cain.

MAREE HANGS UP.

Alex: That was very impressive.

Maree:Thank you.

Alex: Can we run away now?

Maree:Yes, where to?

Alex: Ive always wanted to spend some time in Thailand. Its warm, cheap andBuddhist.

Maree: Okay. Do we have enough money to get there?

28


29/30


Alex: Yes. (PAUSE) Actually, Ive been holding out on you for a while now. I earnmore than you think.

Maree: Really! What a surprise, Scrooge MacDuck.

Alex: Yeah. I didnt want you spending allof my money. Its in investments so itlltake a little time to liquidate.

Maree: Well, in the meantime we can use my new Mastercard. Well draw the balancedown as cash at the airport and then burn the card.

Alex: I thought your credit record was shot.

Maree: I also do a really good impression on the phone of you with a cold. Everyone atthe shops thinks Im just borrowing my husbands card.

Alex: Well done, gold digger!

Maree: Yeah. Im going to miss this houseand all the stuff.

Alex: Do we actually own any of it?

Maree: Um, no I guess not. The bank owns most of it.

Alex: So they can keep it then.

Maree: (GETTING EXCITED) Does that mean we can change our names? Ive alwayswanted to be called Anika.

Alex: Nice. What do you think about Trevor?

Maree:Thats terrible.

Alex: Cool. Ill keep it then. (INDICATING ANUBIS AND LILITH) Well just leavethose two where they are, eh? Doesnt look like theyll be wakingup in a hurry.

Maree: (BEAT) Alex?

Alex: What?

Maree: Right now, I think I love you.

Alex: (CONSIDERS) You know? I think the feeling might be mutual. Ladys first?

Maree:Thank you.

29


30/30


ALEX AND MAREE EXIT. A SONG PLAYS A JAUNTY TOM JONESNUMBER ABOUT LOVE, PERHAPS ITS NOT UNUSUAL.IT GRADUALLY FADES TO SILENCE.

30

Documents

Phone Six Drft7