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Thank you so much for your kind response. I am really touched

with your love and compassion. Love is being in harmony with one

self. We will understand love only when we are in communication

with our inner self. Since we all are in love with the concept of

love we have created, love remains far from us. Our distorted

version of love separates us from the cosmos. This love is far from

love, because love is not supposed to turn into pain, insecurities,

fear and hatred. In fact love turns hatred into love. Our love is

mere personal preferential attachment. It may seem perfect in the

beginning but soon turns into conflicts, pain, envy, anger, and

hatred.

With distorted concept of love we set out looking for happiness in

some person and chattels. We seek love frantically and get

involved in pursuit of happiness. We think, only if we get some

one to look after our happiness than we will be done. We hope,

only if we acquire something we will be happy. But achieving

perennial source of joy becomes impossible because no one can be

responsible for our happiness. This distorted concept of love

creates a lot of pain and confusion. We become vulnerable and

frustrated. Our moment of ecstasy cannot be stretched more than

certain period of time because attachments do not have the

potential to sustain love.

In the beginning romantic love comes with a promise of happiness

but soon it manifests into possessiveness, jealousy, control,

resentment, the need to be right, and insecurity. We like romance

because it makes us feel very important, suddenly our existence

become meaningful. Some one needs us desperately. We have

become the source of love for someone and some one has become

the source of love for us. We feel intensely alive. Our whole world

revolves around each other. We feel incomplete without each

other, it becomes like a habit to be with each other, and this

dependency can be killing if one of the partners gets over with the

feelings. Rest of the world cease to exist for us, but love does not

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separate us from the world. Love is inclusive not exclusive. With

time it turns into slavery of a different kind; it gets us like a habit

we can’t get enough. Even the thought of losing our partner can

drive us nuts. Any other person coming close to our partner can

burn us in jealousy. We experience intense fear, fear of a lonely

tomorrow. We become doubtful.

When we feel like we should be honest to ourselves let’s ask. Is

this love that is making me feel like this or fear driven by my

insecurity is making me grasp and clingy. The thought of losing

the perks, fear of losing the grip on our partner, fear of being alone

makes us feeble, miserable, frail, pathetic, dependent, irritated,

angry and cranky. Nothing assures us, neither our children nor our

marriage certificate or a friend’s advice.

So we cling on to our children, parents and friends. We cling to

those who say yes to us but the moment some one gives us the

right advice, we avoid them. Our mind makes us feel so unsure of

our self, so suspicious and apprehensive that nothing comforts us.

Even our partner’s words do not assure. So we look for reasons to

justify our doubt. We blackmail, accuse, manipulate, lie and use all

the weapons of emotions. We become total imbalanced lunatics.

Even if we separate from our partner, we still nurture intense

resentment and grief. This is the cycle of intense romantic love. In

fact this is the cycle of all our attachments whether it is name, fame

or wealth. In the end it only gives us disillusionments. Love is not

like this; if we are in love we feel complete. So let us think before

we say I love you, this is not the way to make love happen in our

life .We have to be honest to ourselves.

We have the tendency to look for the fulfillment of our physical

and the psychological incompleteness in our relationship because

subconscious is always longing for wholeness that gives rise to the

desire for love because it’s only love that makes us feel fulfilled.

But we do not know what love is all about and how to love. We

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identify our self with our egoistic mind, which is incompetent to

guarantee us blissful life because love comes from our inner

presence. What we experience as love is human emotions rising

from attachment. Love is encompassing.

“One who serves me with constant devotion and love,

Rises above the three modes- gunas

And acquires the ability to become Brahman.”

Bhagavadgita.

Attachment comes to us in an attractive package called

excitement, momentary happiness, romantic love, attraction, need,

and lust. We get blinded and don’t want to be aware to recognize

these disguises. If we are honest to ourselves we will immediately

know it, but we don’t want to be honest .We lie and fool our self

.We are so attached to the illusionary projection of this world ,we

rather deny it. If we accept it as an attachment and not call it love

and be honest to our self, we can still avoid confusion and lead a

fairly normal, peaceful life. But instead of saying am attached to

you, am helpless without you, we say no one loves me the way I

do.

Until we access our own being we will never be able to give love.

If we look around consciously we will realize that we have

immense potential to hate the person we claim to love the most.

The moment conflicts begin we start oozing poison, all kinds of

emotional poison, hostility, hatred, deceive, lies, more the

intimacy, more the pain. It takes such an ugly turn one cannot even

imagine once there was love. We seek completeness in our partner,

but he himself is incomplete how can he help us become complete.

He is also seeking love in the wrong place. Soon enough low

empty feeling engulfs both the partners. Which turns into

depression, resentment, anger, fear and indifference.

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We tend to look for this wholeness in children, in parents, in

friends, in business and in possessions. They are just a part of our

life, not the source of our salvation. Subsequently we pass our fear,

hatred and insecurities to our children, friends and also our parents.

We give what we have ….law of nature!

This does not mean we should avoid any relationship or

possessions. Action in it self is not right or wrong, it’s the intention

and the wrong expectation from the wrong source which causes the

friction. Accepting things as they are is just the expression of life.

But distorting the concept and then accepting it is unnatural. And

we all do that.

In love, our intensity and love will increase with time. We will not

take our partner for granted; there will be respect and love for what

our partner is doing. We will also respect our partner’s freedom,

desires and give space. We will forgive mistakes because we

know, no one is perfect. Like we forgive our child’s mistake. We

will not judge our partner for being so incompetent and dishonest.

We will have immense acceptance rather than trying to prove our

partner wrong. If we cannot do that we should gracefully move

away, not manipulate. We should be honest to tell the truth no

matter what may be the consequences.

If we want to enslave and shackle our spouse, parents, children and

friends we are not looking for happiness and love. Love is based

on willingness, willingness to surrender, willingness to give space

and willingness to accept. Willingness to do good and forget.

Willing to be thankful. If we cannot tolerate our partner being

happy with anyone we have no right to expect happiness either.

Even mother feels jealous of her son’s happiness, sister feels

jealous of her brother’s happiness, and daughter feels jealous of

her father’s happiness what kind of love is this? This is insecurity,

not love. If we recognize this willingly there comes a shift in our

being. We will be touched by love. Our major problem is not being

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able to accept what we do not like. Its natural not to like something

but to resist that is a huge leek of energy. Like pain is a natural

process but suffering is self-created. Try it; if you accept your pain

with out resentment, it goes away sooner than you expect it. But

we have the tendency to make it larger than it is by getting hyper,

by saying why only me? We suffer more than we are needed to

suffer because of our resistance. One’s karma needs expression…

let it happen.

In true sense we really do not need any reference point to love, we

don’t need any object of love to be loved and to love us. Our object

of love is just a catalyst to evoke attachment. We can love just like

that by being love it self. When we become like this, our true

nature reveals itself. We will love everyone and everything around

us without any expectation, without any judgment because we are

willing to understand why they are like this. We will never have

dearth of love in our life, no need to chase love, and it will come to

us, trust me.

“One who sees me every where and everything in me. I watch him

all the time and he also looks at me all the time.”Gita.

Alas! We identify ourselves too much with this body, mind and

intellect .We forget the essence of our being. This mind makes us

dislike such love because mind needs to feel exclusive. He should

only love me, I am extraordinary, and my mother should not love

any other children because she belongs to me. Wife does not allow

husband to love his own mother; mother does not like her son

being loved by his wife. What if God becomes like us. We have

even made God exclusive to ourselves that is why we fight in the

name of God. One touched by god’s grace knows no difference

between the worshipper of stone and devotee of God. For him,

both are fundamentally correct so there is no conflict, no

contradiction and no fight. That is why love has become rare.

Some time we do get glimpses of love, when we do some actions

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without any calculations, without any selfish motive and intention.

When we are in certain situations where there is no time to think

what’s there for me. When there is a silence in the flow of mind.

We feel touched by something and experience tears of bliss. We

experience the joy of our inner bliss. Such sensation of great joy

unexpectedly appears in the most unlikely places. We get so

touched and moved that we experience smile and tears at the same

time. This is love. Why it is so difficult to love? Our potential to

love depends on our connection with our being. Love is

experience. You have to practice love. Love does not need any

justification or explanation. Love is not mean or insecure, love is

generous, love is profound, love is magnanimous, and love gives

freedom to encompass everyone. Love does not punish, Love does

not make one feel guilty. Love is god.

Only a loving heart can do a compassionate act. We should not

even do charity from a superior plane. Charity is an act of

compassion done only out of love. One is not coming from the

space of pride. The intention and the motivation makes the action

negative or positive.

It is not necessary to be rich, to do charity. If we have the spirit to

share, we can do charity no matter who we are. A cousin of mine

Yanki immensely moved by the idea of charity wanted to be of use

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for a good cause, not necessarily by being monetarily charitable to

some organization. She got a fabulous opportunity of going to

Tharpa Choeling Nunnery in Muktinath, Mustang a part of Nepal

bordering Tibet to teach English to the nuns there. Her sojourn in

that amazingly beautiful place was an overwhelming experience.

As shared by

her, the nuns

aged between

12 to 25 yrs

had not much

exposure to the

outside world;

their world in

which they

happily and

contently lived

actually had an

air of

compassion, love and respect for all sentient beings. Their every

little act spoke volumes about their compassion toward their fellow

mates, the people residing in the neighboring village, animals,

insects, and the nature that surrounded the nunnery. It was amazing

to see all these women living together in harmony for others with

no expectations from anyone. By the end of Yanki’s stay in the

nunnery, she had more to take back home than the nuns who

passionately tried learning English.

Like I said, you have to be honest to yourself. Many opportunities

come on your spiritual path. When our act of sharing evokes sense

of deep faith and bliss i.e. charity. When the act of giving evokes

pride that is ego. The kingdom of heaven lies within us but we are

always begging. Our prayer is nothing but begging our spiritual

pursuits end in some sort of demands from a higher source. We

beg and we teach our children to beg. If we are a giver we will

always be a giver and if chose to be a beggar we will always be a

Yanki with nuns

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beggar no matter how much we have in our treasure. You learn the

art of giving, you kill the beggar in you. Always remember a

beggar can never be happy. Choice is yours what you want to be.

Charity is not indiscriminate distribution of wealth. Indiscriminate

charity has resulted in lot of social beggars under the garb of

N.G.O. It hurts me to see how inhuman we humans can get. True

charity emanates from compassion not from the mind of a greedy

being. Shanti deva:

Whatever joy there is in this world

All comes from desiring others to be happy.

And whatever suffering there is in this world

All comes from desiring myself to be happy.

.

An honest lady once said, “ I love the concept of compassion but

the moment I have to offer prayer for my enemy I just clamp”. If

we look deep inside we are not doing any favor to any one by

being compassionate. We are doing investment to be happy now

and we are doing long-term investment to change our future

destiny. If you want to be selfish be selfish this way. Who knows

our present parents must have been our past enemy and our past

enemy may be our present parents. We do not know the karmic

link. We all are here to purify ourselves, to get rid of our karmic

cycle. We are lost in the world of illusion, with feeble and fragile

life beyond our comprehension. We have no urge to understand

neither life nor death, distracted by our attachment and need we

come back again and again to live our karma. Our heaven and hell

is here. Light in the heaven does not come from any where it is just

the glow of the pure spirits; we are the light of the pure land. It

takes millions of birth, to glow. All of us are the potential light.

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Who glows here will glow there too… please trust me.

Unconsciously living has caused immense danger to humanity and

cosmos. Live while you are alive.

I have been in the construction business for a long while now, with

both parents working on the site, their children are brought to the

construction site and left unattended because of no option. They

often become victims of fatal accidents likely to occur in such an

environment. If they escape from accidents, it’s the unhygienic

surrounding and hunger that leaves them tormented. Since then I

wanted to come up with a facility where such parents could leave

their children without having to worry about their safety, where

their time is utilized in the best possible way.

This thought gave birth to Anki Home, an NGO. My mission in

establishing this crèche is not only to provide them a roof in

absence of the parents but also making sure that their valuable

childhood is not wasted. Anki Home started with 23 children and is

currently taking care of about 65 children aged between 3-12yrs

and has its door and heart open to any child in need. Here the

children are fed with proper nutritious food, three times a day,

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which includes breakfast, lunch and a healthy snack before they

head back home. The children in the crèche have been given

proper immunization.

Laden an old friend of mine

recently was in Delhi for 15

days; this was after the demise of

my children Karma and Dechen.

Her only reason to be here was to

check how I was doing after the

loss of my children and to

encourage me to have another

baby. She is not the only one

who thought so. When she came

here she was not only surprised but also happy to see that I am

beautifully coping with my life without any regrets or self-pity. I

explained to her I need not have another baby to feel parental love

and we must accept the good and the bad, happy and sad situations

in our life equally. Acceptance is the mantra to no confusion. Life

is a continuous cycle of 3 state of consciousness. We all go

through these states of waker, dreamer and deep -sleeper. When we

leave the waking state we enter the dreamer state when we leave

the dreamer state we enter the deep sleep state. The dream world is

totally different from the waking world. It exists only for the

dreamer and not for the waker or the deep sleeper.

Dream world consists of the things, beings, existence, emotions

and thoughts appearing in the dream state. It is totally different

from waking world because it exists only for the dreamer. The

deep sleep experiences emptiness or shoonya in this state we

merge ourselves with our divine self. We tend to ignore or dismiss

the state of emptiness or nothingness. In fact this nothingness is

our real source of life because of which we continue to exist with

our individuality. Anki sleeps and wakes up as Anki with all the

identification of Anki, this continuity is provided by this

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nothingness. Everything arises out of this nothingness .We ignore

the experiences of dream world and deep sleep worlds or we just

dismiss it as mere rest for the body. If we understand these three

states of our consciousness it will be easier for us to understand the

pure state of consciousness, which gets totally ignored. Due to that,

we do not understand our self and the creator or that emptiness we

all have arisen from.

In true sense even waking state is nothing but a dream. If dream

world and deep sleep worlds are unreal even waking world is not

real. Our life revolves around these three states of consciousness.

Each of them exists only during the period of its state of

consciousness, not before or after. When we are dreaming we do

not acknowledge waker world, only dream world is true for the

dreamer. Dreamer goes through all the experiences created by

dreamer’s mind emotions fear, insecurity, lust, love, deceive,

greed, pain every thing that happens in waker’s world happens in

dream world. But when we wake up dream world cease to exist.

Even the experience we feel we dismiss as untrue. But if we are

aware we can learn so much from our dream, one most important

thing I learnt from my dream is to protect myself from the

unnecessary suffering we go through in our waker world. Like

when some one insults me in my dream I don’t burn myself in my

anger and hurt when I wake up. And I guess all of us do the same.

But I practice the same thing in my waking world; I can chose to

accept the insult even here. If something hurts me even due to my

own mistake, I learn the lesson and accept the pain. Try it, when

we accept we realize the illusive nature of our reality. It’s our

resistance that gives its reality. We should not limit our love only

to our family, friends and the people we care about. By doing so,

we are only making our world smaller. We have abundance of love

within us why not share it with everyone. I love every one with the

same kind of intensity not expecting anything in return. With so

much love in me, how can I not be happy with myself? So when

Laden left after a short stay with me, she did not go back sad. In

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fact, she said she wouldn’t call me often, as before because she

knows that I am okay. And I know for sure she will change her

attitude towards life.

Anki Home also functions as a pre school for these children so that

their time in the crèche is equally divided between studies and fun.

The teachers and the nanny of the crèche make sure that the

children are proper tutored, fed and looked after. My dream is to

have 100s of such day care in all the construction sites in India

because this problem is unique in underdeveloped countries. And if

the situation permits I yearn to have residential care centers before

my husband and children throw me out of the house (joking). I aso

take this opportunity to say sorry to my family, my friends, my

beautiful children and all my loved ones for being busy and not

being able to take out time for them, especially my in-laws. What

can I do? There is only 24 hours and I have so much to do in every

moment. I am being greedy and selfish because I know time is

running out, I am only approaching towards the end of this tenure.

But without your support it would have been very difficult.

Anki Home Class Room

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Recently Varsha, age 4,

went for a surgery, which

changed her life

completely. The day Anki

Home took her in she had

a huge tumor on her right

cheek, which sordidly

covered a portion of her

innocent yet malnourished

face. I decided on

getting it operated though

her parents were not so

keen, also because she is

not a son. Parents were

more than satisfied that

they had a place to leave

their children while they

work.

At Medanta Medicity

Hospital she was diagnosed

with Right cheek Vascular Malformation.She had a history of

swelling in her right cheek since birth that had been increasing

ever since. Her surgery was done by Dr.Rakesh K Khazanchi

MBBS, MS, MCH (plastic surgery), Director plastic, Aesthetic

&reconstructive surgery. The entire surgery which would have cost

us close to 4 lacs, was performed for an amount of Rs.50,000/.

This was made possible by Dr. Rakesh K Khazanchi to whom we

are highly obliged. Varsha now lives a happy childhood without

the baggage of carrying the tumor on her face. She now appears

more energetic and happy.

We have another bundle of joy called Dichen who stays with us.

Apparently her mother eloped with another man, leaving three

children behind and taking with her every penny they had. She is

under nourished; in spite of being slightly more than 2yrs anyone

Varsha with Doctor (after surgery)

Varsha (before surgery)

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would mistake her for a

six month old. When we

first brought her in, she

was traumatized, would

not smile or respond.

Dichen is being medically

treated, an extreme case of

malnutrition, however she

is recovering quicker than

expected, an x ray report

also shows a small

fracture

on her left wrist. For some

reason she was very

scared of men, when we

initially got her. God only knows what this little kid must have

gone through. Now she is being taken care and loved by everyone

and we are slowly breaking the ice. She is steadily beginning to

trust people around her, and has started laughing.

Like Varsha and Dichen there are

many more children wanting to be

given an opportunity of a better and

a normal life. If you want to meet

them come to Anki home and share a

lunch with them. Not everyday we

get an opportunity to do something

worthwhile for others without any

reservations or expectations. Don’t

ever miss the opportunity to show

your compassion and to convey your

attitude of gratitude to the universe.

To thank divine for helping us do the right thing, to gain right

karma, to craft right destiny that we are the giver not the receiver,

Dichen (maid)

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let’s join hands and take a pledge to make an effort to do what we

can for these little children. And if you want to make a difference

to your self, do it now. Your one noble thought can make a

difference to many lives. Let us be the light, not the source of

darkness for ourselves.

We have lost our depth to

life. We have become

flippant by focusing our

attention only on things

easy, convenient,

profitable and pleasurable

for us. We want shortcut

to everything, even to

enlightenment. For a

profound experience, we need deep dedication, enormous focus

and awareness. Saying I’m happy, everything is all right in my

world will only lead to more confusion. Life has to find its

Anki Home Children enjoying golf cart ride

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expression. If we suppress it, it will give rise to some other issue.

Pain is a natural process, suffering is in our hands. We cannot deny

life its expression. This will create more karma. We have to

consciously drop all our tendencies and all physical and mental

identifications in order to see and experience our inner nature,

which is so badly clouded by them. Karmic account is not recorded

somewhere else in some other realm it is in us. Imagine your self

like a walking talking chip of karmic account. Its beyond our

comprehension to imagine the memories knowledge and

information it carries. We carry it in our mind, body and energy. It

is a very different kind of recording, still physical. We have to

learn to dismantle all our mental and physical tendencies and

identifications or else we will keep on coming back to fulfill our

unfulfilled desires. Because of this chip we are bounded by the

limitations of our body, mind and intellect and subject to law of

impermanence and suffering of samsaric mind. Remember all the

recording is longing for expressions. But the truth is we are

eternally free. All the suffering and the bondage and samsaric

nuisance are imaginary as that of a dream. Brought about by the

ignorance of our waking state of illusive mind. Our inner being is

absolute, immaculate, and ever blissful. Human being a supreme

pathological case because we believe all our lies as the truth.

Being aware is being alive. What is awareness? Awareness is

mistaken for attentiveness or alertness. Mental alertness is not

awareness. It is not intellect either. Awareness is not convenient.

Awareness makes us aware of things that we usually perform

unconsciously for example, we don’t need awareness to become

angry but we need immense awareness to control anger. We don’t

need any awareness to become irresponsible being but to become

responsive and responsible being needs awareness. We must also

understand awareness is not suppression. When we are extremely

hungry we may over eat, but to stop our self from overeating is

awareness. Dieting, fasting, jogging, mountain climbing, working

above all, spiritual practicing is not suppression. Do not

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misunderstand anything before you understand something

properly. Our preconceived notion sometime keeps us away from

beautiful beings and phenomena.

Lets be aware of the cosmos, let us not separate our self from the

cosmos, we are the parts of the cosmos, allied with each other with

the veins of interdependent karmic cycle and the law of

impermanence, sustained by birth and death permanently flowing,

like a river, if we break it, its just a weak hand full of water but

together it’s a river with immense energy power and spirit.

Anki