CREAKY BONES A Collection of Poetry and Stories BY KEN P DUDDLE

Contents

Albert A Nightguards life

Can I also Have Creaky Bones Dead End Job Deirdre Blues

Dicing With Death Flying Blind

Fly On The Wall Haikus

I Love My Plants Little Children

Mother My Life Paranoia

This is my first book of poems and short stories that I have attempted to publish. I have been writing on and off for quite a few years. I have achieved little academically, but I believe and have been told so that I have an imagination which I hope makes up for the lapse in grammar and spelling... I have decided to donate a portion of the proceeds of sales to the charity Cancer Research for this first publication. Just seeing my name in print is award enough. I’d like to thank my family, friends and co-writers that have given me encouragement over the years and also those that gave unconstructive criticism for making me laugh when they were unable to produce anything of their own. Finally a special thank you to all those that have purchased this booklet. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. Ken A portfolio can be found at www.writing.com/authors/nightguard Comments can also be placed there.

Creaky Bones

I must be getting old. Creaky Bones

But I will not be told.

Creaky bones Those stairs are hard to climb

Creaky Bones I will not moan and whine.

Creaky Bones

Bending to tie up shoes. Creaky Bones

Waiting in those long queues.

Creaky Bones Once young, now aging fast

Creaky Bones Soon I'll have a free bus pass.

Creaky Bones

A Dead End Job It was a clear moonlit night. In a deserted graveyard shadows weaved in-between headstones of the dead. The night wind whispered as it skated across graves of loved ones long forgot. The cemetery gate rattled on loose hinges. Close by two friends, Sid and Clive sat on a headstone discussing their nights work. They often stopped here for a chat as their hones were nearby. "Well Clive, he said adjusting a rope around his neck, "how was your night?" "Don't ask," replied Clive resting his head between his knees. "My heads been on and off all night, but do they notice? no they don't." "I know what you mean Clive, I've been haunting for two hundred years and lately some of my clients take more notice of the spirit in the bottle." "I blame the younger ghosts myself, said Clive carefully combing a parting in his red hair before replacing his head on his shoulders. "They just don't seem to have the enthusiasm for being a phantom these days. They're killing the job for the older ones." "Yes, I agree with you there, Take that young Charlie for instance, always throwing things about, a right poltergeist, no finesse at all.' "Well, let's be honest Sid, haunting is a dead end job now." "You are not wrong there Clive, It's a dying art. Still. It’s better than lying down all the time just wasting away. That would bore me stiff."

Sid took one of his eyes and polished it on one of his sleeve. "Clive, do you remember the woman who haunted the Manor?" "You mean Penelope, The Lady in White?" "Yes, that's her, she was really good, the way she rattled her chains was enough to wake the dead. Do you know what happened to her?! "I believe she was sent to the gym" "You mean....?" "Yes she was exorcised." Clive adjusted his head and looked at Sid for a few seconds. "Are you feeling okay Sid? You don't look as pale as you usually do." "Yes, it's just that I've been walking round the graveyard tonight and these shackles are killing me." "You should take it easy Sid you're not a young ghost anymore. Where are you tomorrow?" "I'm down for the Pig and Pen to catch the drunks as they come out, although I think it's a waste of good haunting time. Some of the drunks only want to talk to you and if you start wailing they think you are as sloshed as they are and start singing Nellie Dean or football songs." "I agree with you about the Alive not being afraid these days, Clive said, "I was at one house last week and this young woman - very beautiful I must say -

made a pass at me." "She never did?" Yes, right after I'd done my walking through the wall act. She told me it would be a turn-on to be made love to by a headless ghost. "You didn't did you? "Of course not, I'm a married man. Besides if the missus found out she would kill me again." "What did you do then?" "Well, I replaced my head, spun it around a few times, did a crazy laugh then slowly disappeared through the floor leaving a trail of green vapour behind." "I bet that put the willies up her." "You bet she didn't know if she was coming or going. I just hope she got the message that I'm not that kind of ghost." "Who is?" Sid said sadly. "To be honest Sid I was very tempted. What really stopped me was some-one coming up the stairs. I was in an Old Nick mood that night. I did go back the following night but she wasn't there." "You certainly know how to pick them Clive." "By the way, how did you get on with that apprentice the other night Sid?" "Not very good, she was very nervous." "What actually happened to her?" "She was murdered by her husband. He chopped her into little bits then fed her to his dogs."

"That sounds hard to digest Sid." "Well it didn't go down too well, Clive. She was very angry with him. She only wanted to haunt him, visit him a piece at a time, she told me." "So naive, so naive” Clive said. "I had to explain to her that we don't work that way and we don't always get to choose who we haunt. I told her that the Dream Spirits would take care of him and after a few restless nights he might even join her. Then she could give him hell." "Do you think she'll pass?" "I certainly hope so Clive, she was going to pieces at one time. I had to tell her to pull herself together." "With you as her tutor she'll be OK... remember how we were on our first night?" "Yes, I was absolutely livid. What made it worse was that people actually thought I had hanged myself. I don't know how my wife explained the fact that my hands were tied behind my back." Well she was the daughter of a judge wasn't she?" ' Yes, and he was also the local squire. Anyway I'll have to be floating; the sun is coming up soon. I'll see you again." "Is my head straight Sid?" Clive asked as he sunk into the ground. "Yes perfect Clive." Shouted Sid from over his shoulder.

"Good luck with the apprentice Sid." "Thanks Clive." As the two friends melded into the early mist a pair of shadowy figures rose from a nearby freshly dug grave. The first gave a sigh of relief. "At last,” he said, "I thought they'd never go. Now what were you saying happened the other night?" The young woman sat on the edge of the grave next to the baby-faced youth. She rested an elbow beside her whilst the rest of her arm floated up from the grave. "Well I was in my bedroom lying on the bed starkers waiting for my hubby to come home from work. He must have entered the house without me hearing because when he came into the bedroom he said he had heard a man's voice. I told him there was no bloke with me. He never believed me. He reckoned he could smell the presence of another man." "Had there been some-one with you?" "Yes, but how could I explain it to him when he was in that mood?", Anyway, it was then he lost his temper... Why did I have to marry a butcher?" She moved closer to her companion and put a hand on his knee. "Charlie? does your head come off?"

My Life

My life has been varied and long at many things I failed.

At seven years old, I wanted to be a train driver but that idea was soon derailed.

I trained to be an Olympic athlete

came last in every race I studied to be a lawyer and lost my every case

I left my job as a crane driver

on the day I was hired My stint as a Gigolo

left a lot to be desired.

I applied to be a hotel porter but was told there was no room and my time as a concert pianist

was distinctively out of tune.

So I became a writer and dream my time away

I can be who or where I want whilst staying in bed all day.

Can I Also Have

Dear Santa; for my wish list I would really love a bike- If it's not too much trouble

Can I also have a kite?

I would like a new computer With games and an ipod phone.

I would also like a train set With tracks to fill my home.

But Mummy and Daddy are very poor

Not much money they said- So if you cannot manage the above Can I have peace on Earth instead?

FLYING BLIND Cuthbert Dingle’s 50th birthday had arrived and unbeknown to him his two friends and drinking partners Robert and Mike had arranged a surprise for him. Cuthbert better known as Dangler had been brought to the small airfield near to his home by Robert. It had always been Danglers ambition to be an airline pilot before he unfortunately lost his sight a few years before. Now all he could see was shadows and blurred images. With him he had Boozer his faithful dog and companion who had been his eyes and brain for the past five years. "Why have you brought me here Robert and where is Mike? We're wasting valuable drinking time." "He'll be along soon; he just had to make a stop on the way." No sooner had he said this taxi pulled up in the airfield’s car park. "Hey, Robert gives us a hand." Mike shouted.

Robert looked over to see Mike unloading two beer barrels. "Why have you got that entire Mike? We won't be up for more than two hours.' "L know, “replied Mike, "that's why I only have two barrels" A look of realization came over Danglers face. "Ahh, so you are taking me up on a plane, will there be a topless stewardess with big breasts?" "'Afraid not Dangler, just us and the pilot" Said Mike. "And Boozer" Said Dangler. "Yes, of course, him too. Laughed Mike. Very soon the three friends were on board the 6 seater light aircraft. While the pilot was telling them about the safety rules, Mike was pouring his second pint. "Good stuff this, get stuck in lads, it's been donated by The Crown." After nearly two hours flying, plenty of

drinking and chat ranging from trains to buses and to putting the world right, the pilot's voice came over the tangy. "Good afternoon gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed your flight. Very soon we will be making our decent. Please fasten your seat, aagh.." "Wash up, hic," said Mike tipping the remaining dregs of the second beer barrel into his glass. "Are we there hic yet?" "I'll go and see." Said Robert waking up. A minute later he returns. "It's-it's the pilot, he's had. a heart attack. We are all going to die, start praying now" Robert stumbled to his seat then fainted. "Lucky we drank hic all the beer then.” Said Mike. Dangler sighed. "Oh, what a great birthday this has turned out to be, the pilot’s dead, Mike's too pissed to even know where we are and Roberts fainted and we are going to crash if something’s not done soon."

Dangler felt his way out of his seat. "Come on Boozer, it's up to us to save the day." "Woof" Said Boozer as he led Dangler to the cockpit. Dangle felt his way around until he found the pilots seat. "Right Boozer, we need to find the radio to get some help." "Woof?" "It's a round thing which may have curly wire attached to it." "Woof" Said Boozer as he nudged the radio mic into Danglers lap. "Thanks, now listen carefully." "Woof" "If we bank too much to the left bark once, and too much right bark twice and if we fly upside down howl." "Woof." "So for left?"

Woof." "'Right?" Woof, Woof." "Upside down?" Howwlllll!!!!!!!" Good boy, now let's get this tin can down." Dangler fumbled around with the mic until he managed to switch it on. "Hello, hello anyone there we are in a bit of a pickle here. The pilots collapsed and we are flying blind." There was a lot of crackling then a voice was heard. "OK, don't panic, we have you on radar, now look at the panel in front of you, what you see?" "Nothing cuz as I said we are flying blind. I am blind." Dangler said a little annoyed. "Shit." "Pardon?

Nothing now is anyone with you?" replied the voice. "Yes, Boozer my co-pilot." Good, can I speak to him?" "Well you can but you won't understand him." "Why is that?" "Because he's my dog." Double shit. Oi! I may be blind but I'm not deaf." "Sorry, It’s just I've never talked a blind pilot down before" the operator said "now we have you on visual heading straight for us, you need to ease back on the throttle." "Is that the big hard stick thing?" "Yes I believe that would describe it." "Found it" "OK You have missed the runway but there’s little in your way but an outhouse, when you

hear the wheels touch, engage the brakes then switch the engine off, that's a button to your right." "Will do. The plane rolled to and fro as it neared the ground. "Woof woof woof woof woof, ho... Woof, woof." In the back of the plane Robert was stirring." Have we landed? He asked rising drearily out of his seat as the wheels touched the ground with a bump. Robert fell backwards hitting his head on an empty beer barrel before stumbling back into his seat in an unconscious heap. In the cockpit Dangler was franticly trying to find the brake at last he gave a cheer, "Eureka I've found it." A moment later there was an enormous crash as the aircraft ploughed into a hut. Fuselage crumbled and splinted as it came to a halt. Dangler rose out of his seat. "Come on Boozer let's see how the other two are." The other two were negotiating their way

though the now ground level door to the plane. Mike was the first to speak. "Ah good they've landed near the loos. I'm bursting." He looked round before commenting. "But look at the place burst pipes and water spouting out everywhere; they could clean the place up a bit." Very soon after the three friends and Boozer had made their way away from the airfield. Robert looked back at the smashed up plane, “Look at that mess, don’t ever apply for a job as a pilot Dangler.” Dangler turned towards him, “Well I landed it didn’t I, what more do you want? Well anyway it turned out to be a great birthday after all. I even got to fly a plane. Only thing missing was the air hostess with gigantic kno...." "Are we going for a drink?" Interrupted Mike. "I don't know” replied Dangler, "What do you think Boozer? Which way is home?" "Woof" Boozer replied

"Which way is the pub?" "Woof woof." "Which way are you taking us?" "Woof woof." Boozer said excitedly. "Well that settles it then" Dangler said. "The Crown it is." Boozer barked in excitement as he guided the three friends into the public bar of The Crown.

LITTLE CHILDREN

Oh! What a joy little children are

Juice in the video,

sick in the car. Untidy bedroom, scattered toys,

girls playing nurses with little boys.

Dogs' tails being pulled, a cat's on fire,

interrupting the moments of love and desire. Passing the blame

for their little crimes, playing with frogs

all covered in slime. Screaming their heads off

in a plush restaurant, having a tantrum

when refused what they want. Arriving home late covered in mud, not going to bed

when they know they should. Non-stop talking

while dad's watching telly, splashing the walls

with ice-cream and jelly. Chocolate stains

on their Sunday best, painting funny pictures

on granddad's vest.

Why do parents' voices echo from afar Oh! what a joy

little children are?

PARANOIA

Footsteps. Drawing ever closer. Increasingly louder.

I stop. Wait.

Intake of breath. Look around.

No one. Just blackness.

I walk faster. Heart pounding.

Silence. Then.......

Footsteps louder. Closer.

Glimpse of long hair. Ring in nose. Leather coat.

Paranoid mode.

' Dropped yer wallet mate?' ' Oh! Thanks

The Fly on the Wall

The fly watched in anticipation as arch-detective Lionel Broadsword gathered the four suspects into the drawing room. It may seem odd that a fly could have the perception to take in the proceedings, but this was no ordinary fly. It was in fact a reincarnation of Sir Godfrey Mayfield, recently deceased with the help of one of four suspects who were seated in the drawing room at the request of the aforementioned Broadsword. Broadsword stood with two fingers in a double-breasted waistcoat. Leaning against a stone fireplace he turned to smartly dressed women in her thirties. The fly settled on a vase to watch. "Now Lady Mayfield I believe your marriage with Sir Godfrey was not all that it appeared, in fact you would have left if it hadn't meant that you would be disinherited." He paused as he stroked a long thin moustache. "I also know that you had taken on a lover, a Mr Bert Higginbottom and it seems you were being pressured to leave Sir Godfrey." The fly took off and landed on the light.

“You bitch you two-timing bitch," he raged. "How long has this been going on Maud?" No-one heard. "Now sir," Broadsword said directing to a casually dressed young man, "Richard Marcus, well respected family man, Sir Godfrey's favourite nephew and a compulsive gambler." Richard Marcus opened his mouth to speak but the detective put his hand up to silence him and continued. "Your uncle lent you thousands of pounds only to see it fluttered away at the race-track. The last straw was when a horse that you said would walk it, did. Your uncle threatened to cut you out of his will unless you sought help. No-one heard. Detective Broadsword took a long pipe from his top pocket. Taking a tin from inside his coat he carefully pressed a quantity of tobacco into the bowl. "Jack Barclay." he said as he lit the pipe with silver lighter. Jack Barclay a be-speckled man in his late fifties looked up as Broadsword spoke. "Here we have the good old family lawyer, business partner and most importantly an embezzler." Broadsword puffed on his pipe blowing rings of smoke into the atmosphere. The fly coughed. No-one heard.

"Sir Godfrey knew there were some discrepancies in the business and was about to launch an investigation. Even though you were not named in the will the business would pass to you in the event of Sir Godfrey's death. That is of course if your thieving was not found out." "I never trusted you, you cad." shouted the fly landing on a curtain. No-one heard. The last person to face Lionel Broadsword's remarks was a good looking woman in her twenties. "Mary Ryan, adviser to Sir Godfrey on antiques and part-time lover. In the past you sold several items to him which was not genuine. The last of these being a pair of pistols, one being a fake, and it was in fact one of these pistols that was used to commit this dastardly deed." "I did know that, I was there." The fly bellowed as he landed on in a sugar bowl. No-one heard. Broadsword picked up a pile of papers that were on a coffee table. "I have here," he spoke in a stern voice, his eyes piercing into the four suspects, "I have here evidence that will put one of you away for a very long time "Come on, stop wasting time." Shouted the fly... No-one heard. The detective rolled the papers into a tube. He

addressed each of the suspects in turn, pointing and then hitting an open hand as he did. "I don't know if it was fate or conspiracy that brought one or more of you together on that fateful night, but you all had motive and opportunity, Lady Mayfield adulterous," slap, "Richard Marcus compulsive gambler, " slap, "Jack Barclay embezzler," slap, "and finally Mary Ryan fraudster," slap. I have now proof that the killer is," he raised his arm to point. "Yes, yes" The fly screamed as he settled on a wall... No-one heard. "The killer is........BLAST that dammed fly." SPLATT!!!! The fly never heard.

Dicing With Death

It was a cold and frosty night when Death knocked on my door. He stood eight feet tall, dressed in a ragged black cape that dragged across my lounge carpet. He silently lifted a bony finger and pointed. Decaying skin hung on a body of bones as he scraped along the cold floor of a long dimly-lit hallway. Lanterns swung as rain swept down and the wind howled. He took my hand and I felt bits of skin flaking off as we walked. He led me up a flight of steps, and I found myself looking around a rotting sailing ship. Masts lay broken on a dusty deck. I heard wailing coming from below. A high-pitched squeal caused me to turn. In a dark corner two rats were fighting over the remains of a flea-infested dog. Death looked at me through eyes that were black sockets in a blooded skull. He reached into his cape and brought out a set of poker dice. "Play for life." He spoke in an unemotional whisper. I knew what I had to do. Gambling had been my life's work, not always as a winner, but in desperate times I was taught new skills which turned me into a winner. So what better way to end it than to dice with Death? I raised an open hand. "Best of five?" I asked trying to avoid his stare. Death nodded approval, shredding more skin from his almost skinless head. I was in no hurry so I took my time to throw the dice. I knew I was good. In my line of work you do not lose. My only worry was Death knew how I made my money. I beat Death's first throw of two pair with a full house. The second and third throw Death easily beat my pair and short straight. I won the fourth with another full house. My fate would be decided on the last throw. By now I was shaking with fear. I still could not tell what Death was thinking. I was sweating as he handed me the dice for the last time. Death had just thrown four kings and an ace. If I was going to do something it had to be now. I slowly put my hand into my jacket pocket and brought out a handkerchief. As I mopped my brow I looked up at Death. "The deal is I go free if I win?" I asked feeling a little easier. I had found the answer. "Yes," he answered blankly, 'and if you lose we sail for the land of no return." He pointed a loose finger at a misty horizon. For the first time I

thought I saw an emotion appear on his face. A hint of a smile. I suddenly realized what Death was doing. He did not need to play this game. He just wanted to see how much I wanted to live and whether I was able to use my skills to save myself. My wife had left me and I had hit rock bottom, so this was just a test. Death had taken me to his door and I did not want to enter. As I threw the dice I knew I had won. I was back in my penthouse suite sitting in a leather-bound armchair, a glass of malt whiskey in my hand. The remaining bottle stood on a small coffee table close by along with a quantity of sleeping pills. I picked up the bottle and went over to the drinks bar. As I was replacing the bottle something caught my eye by the door. I bent down and picked up a small piece of rag with mouldy skin attached to it. It wasn't a dream after all, I thought. I sat back down in my chair. I reached inside my jacket and took out my dice. My special die. As I threw, each die rolled to show an ace... "Never fails." I laughed.

Deirdre Blues

Oh Deirdre, Oh Deirdre what words can I say to express how I feel

when you are far away.

But Deirdre when you are close to me and I think of the things you do my whole body starts to shake

and that's when I feel blue.

The sight of your gargoyle face and the words that spit from your mouth

makes me break out in a cold, cold sweat and I wish I was far south.

Oh Deirdre, it has to be said

the taste of your cooking makes me ill. Your under-cooked roast are really vile,

as for your soup, well it's pig swill.

Your gas-like breath sends me to sleep. Your toxic nagging drives me to drink.

I don't know how much more I can stand Oh Deirdre I'm dangling on the brink.

But Oh Deirdre when I'm feeling low I think of the reason I married you. Your fortune will be mine if you die.

So Deirdre, my darling, please do SOON.

Albert

In memory of Albert, the Domino King.

a plaque was placed above his seat:-

"In six and seventy years not one night did he miss, so let's not forget Albert

the Domino King.

In memory of Albert a wake was held.

A free drink served to all who came.

Glasses were raised, a toast proposed.

"Lets not forget Albert the Domino King.

It is often said that

if you sit under that plaque you will feel a cold chill run down your spine.

For it is a ghost watching you. To ensure you don't forget Albert

the Domino King.

CRITICS

Blow My Own Trumpet? No. But When The Batons Out

The Orchestra Plays.

WRITERS BLOCK

Blank sheet. Empty head. Ideas not forthcoming. Wastepaper bin full.

WHEELER DEALER

He buys and sells all

But says no to Satan 'caus His soul is nailed down.

C'EST LA VIE

Like a winters night

Death often arrives too soon And lasts far too long.

A GOOD BOOK

A good book unlike

A vintage wine is consumed Over and over.

THE FOX

The fox escapes hounds

Only to kill a chicken The following day.

A Nightguard's Life

Autumn leaves that crinkle underfoot

The misty sky at night The gale force winds The thunderstorms

Such is a nightguard's life

Winter snow three feet deep Working on Xmas night

The icy paths The double thick coats

Such is a nightguard's life

Spring birds singing a mating call Owls that hoot at night

Flowers blooming Gardens of colour

Such is a nightguard's life.

Summer evenings bright and clear Patrols in short sleeves at night

Cheese salad meal Unofficial cold beer

Such is a nightguard's life.

I Love My Plants

Linda loved her plants. She also loved talking to them and reading from her favourite novels. She selected four from a bookcase and placed them on a coffee table. "Now my darlings," She said addressing three tall plants, "I'm sure you will enjoy these, my husband, Don liked me to read to him, well at least I am sure he did when he was here. I was saying to Donna the other day as to how he used to curse his luck when he was called to a meeting, or a friend phoned with a family crisis on my book reading nights. He offered to put them off but I told him he had to go, the reading could be done another night. He wasn't at home much you know. Although he did seem to spend a lot of his time in the bar down the street, or on the golf course. I don't know where he is now, just never came home one night, not heard from him since, but you'll always be here won't you? I mean, it's not as if you can walk is it, ha, ha, Now my lovelies, which book would you like? We have Gone With The Wind, Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre, have we had that one? Never mind I'm sure you would love hearing it again. Now there is also this one I've not read to you before, War and Peace, that will keep us going for a few nights. I'll tell you what darlings, I'll just go and make a coffee and when I come back, you can tell me which one you'd like me to read to you." Linda got up out of her chair and went into the kitchen. A few minutes later she returned with a mug of coffee and a plate of biscuits. "Now my darlings.... my lovelies?" She stopped and dropped the coffee and biscuits. What faced her was an open door and a trail of leaves.

Mother

When all alone, quiet, and lost in thought, I see again the times when I was young.

I smile for attention I often sought, Knowing if I was sad then you would come.

You would dry the teardrops that then would flow Be my bedside nurse on a restless night. A soothing word and I'd forget my woe,

Consoled that you were not far from my sight. Your wrath confused me when I misbehaved,

Never believing I was ever wrong. But now I see love through your stormy rage,

With your wise words I have grown Oh so strong. So when I think of you, Mother and friend,

All regrets are over, all sorrows end.