Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting

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Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting


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Also by Michael Cannon Loehrer

How to Change a Rotten Attitude (Thousand Oaks: Corwin Press, 1998).

Egoless Elders (Bloomington: WestBow Press, 2012).


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Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting

Volume One: Reciprocal Respect

By

Michael Cannon Loehrer


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Copyright 2013 Michael Cannon Loehrer.

All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced by any means,

graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by

any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the pub-

lisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New King

James Version Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All

rights reserved.


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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction ........................................................................................................... 1Orientation and Overview ..................................................................................... 5

CHAPTER 1.................................................................................................................... 11Wrestling with Respect

Definition of TermsCHAPTER 2 ................................................................................................................... 13

Broad Brush PaintingNatural Notions about Respect

CHAPTER 3 ................................................................................................................... 15Slippery Spirituality

Spiritual Notions about RespectCHAPTER 4 ................................................................................................................... 17

HOME IS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDSThe Basis of Respect

CHAPTER 5 ................................................................................................................... 21RESPECTING ENEMIES

Acceptance and ApprovalCHAPTER 6 ................................................................................................................... 25

GENUINE RESPECTUnconditional Acceptance and Conditional Approval

CHAPTER 7 ................................................................................................................... 27UNPRINCIPLED RESPECT

Unconditional Approval and Conditional AcceptanceCHAPTER 8 ................................................................................................................... 31

BALANCED RESPECTAcceptance and Approval Held in Tension

CHAPTER 9 ................................................................................................................... 33RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIPS

Mutually Exchanging RespectCHAPTER 10 ................................................................................................................. 37

RESPECT AND IDENTITYAccepting Correction without Feeling Rejection

CHAPTER 11 ................................................................................................................. 39ENTHUSIASM OVER EXHILARATION

Accepting All Aspects of LifeCHAPTER 12 ................................................................................................................. 43

LONGING FOR GREATNESSReal Respect and Living in Reality

CHAPTER 13 ................................................................................................................. 47SELF ACCEPTANCE OVER SELF WORTH

Self-Love and Self-HateCHAPTER 14 ................................................................................................................. 51

CONFIDENCE FROM SELF-ACCEPTANCEIdentity, Individuality and Intention


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DEDICATION

This book is prayerfully dedicatedTo parents who willingly sacrifice themselves

For the sake of their children, especially those whoSteadfastly refuse to abort pregnancies or give up their babies,

Regardless of the inconvenience, shame, cost, or risk to their own lives.May your children so multiply as to populate the professions,

Provide vision to the masses and purify the government.May their descendents so transform our culture

That they recover our social networks,Providing stability and sensibility

To our decaying societyTo the glory of God

In Jesus Christ!Amen.


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My Settled Situation

Introduction

Im old now. Idont get out much anymore. Funny; now that I finally havesomething worthwhile to share, Im pretty much confined to my porch. I had hopedmy life would count for something. I guess everyone does. While I cant get out any-more or make the world come to me, I can influence a few to take my thoughts withthem. I just hope and pray I will speak the truth graciously when I have the chance.

Occasionally, aches and pains and bitter memories cause me to hide my treas-ures of truth behind hostility. I dont mean to mask what I say in a grouchy way, butsometimes I do. My grandchildren call me Gramps, but they might call me Grumps, ifthey werent so sweet. Life has yet to take its toll on them. Yes, I fully realize how

grouchy behavior can make a message meaningless. Thats why I pray.My situation here is pretty decent. The screened in porch is nice; lets me see

out, others see in; faces southeast toward the street; early sun, then shade; shrubsguard the ends from encroaching weather. People can stop and visit whenever theywant. I keep it swept and clean. Passersby frequently wave, but few stop to talk. So Ihave plenty of time to ponder lifes problems especially those relating to the family.

Something subtle is happening, almost secretly. Experiences, which I let sim-

mer on the back burner for a long time, have boiled down to sensible solutions forfamily living. Now I find myself refining them into timeless truths as I converse withfamily and friends. Thoughts just seem to flow as we chat. Sometimes I even surprisemyself. As I share my ideas, my thoughts crystallize.

Family and friends kindly do things for me all the time. Im so feeble anymorethat they come often. I hate being frail but I love people coming. Often my thinkinggets fuzzy and my memory frequently fails me. Writing to you when no one is herehelps me sift whats worthwhile from the nonsense, since I can rework my thoughts.Expressing my ideas in writing also helps hide encroaching dementia.

I find my rocking chair most satisfying, even though the squeak occasionallydrives me nuts! Yet I tolerate the noise for the gratification of rockingmost of the

time. Occasionally I quit rocking to stop the squeak. I dont fix the problem because Ihave absolutely no idea how to repair squeaky joints. Nevertheless, rocking bringsmovement, which relieves my longing for greater mobility.

Those who enjoy the experience of parenting

must also endure the exasperation of its problems.

Grouchy behavior can make a message meaningless.


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Arent rocking chairs like parenting? Those who enjoy the experience mustendure the exasperation. Some refuse rockers and some reject parenting, but mostwelcome both, though many have no idea how to face the problems of parenting anymore than they know how to fix a rocking chair. For those who choose parenting thismeans years of finagling the family to the point of utter frustration.

If I had the knowledge and the ability to fix this failing rocking chairwell, Idont have the energy any more either, but, if I did, maybe I would tear apart thechair, rework the joints then put it back together again. Imagine; no more noise! Whatif I could take apart the dysfunctional inner workings of the family? What if I couldshow you how to reset family relationships and restore functionality to your home?

Do you suppose parents are doomed to endure irritating problems as part ofthe process of raising children? Perhaps so, but maybe not; maybe parenting problemscan be fixed. If youre like me, fix is a word to avoid, and Im a man; its my job tofix. I cant stand it when things arebroken, but I cant fix them either. I hate chasingaround the futility of fixing mainly because fixing is never final in this world.

I never was an optimist, a realist, maybe, in my best moments. Pessimismseems to temper my perfectionism, though perfectionism often drags along resigna-tion. I want to be perfect but realize its impossible. Sometimes my pessimism tauntsmy perfectionism. I want to do well but I shame myself when I dont. Whats worse,pessimism and perfectionism carry over into how I treat others.

Nevertheless, hope springs eternal for the young and the faithful. Since Im farfrom youth, only faith in God delivers me from cynicism, yet negativity leaks throughmy words like water through freshly-fixed plumbing. Young parents are optimistic.

Many think they have life all figured out; they dont. They just think they do and fewof them can be persuaded otherwise.

Below are some basics I hope to tell young parents when I get the chance.Many parents want to give up on marriage and family; you know, quit rocking to stopthe squeak. They need to patiently endure, keep going, see things through, overcome,and finish the course. But I really dont want to pummel parents with timeless truths.Most are battle weary already. They just need a little encouragement.

Believing God is foundational to parental wisdom.True love takes root painfully in believing parents.It grows and flowers patiently in believing children.

It bears fruit peacefully in believing grandchildren.

Stay with it!

God designed marriage to raise godly offspring.Difficult relationships are far better than divorce.

Faithful assessment and adjustments nurture hope.Hope fulfilled brings lasting love to relationships.

Pessimism and perfectionism carry over into how we treat others.


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STAY WITH IT!!

Strengthening faith inspires hopeful commitment.Gracious truthfulness restores sanity to family life.

Sacrifice turns helpless children into helpful adults.Joyful child-rearing produces lasting relationships.

STAY WITH IT!!!

Close the book now for another time, but before you do, thank God for every-thing that comes to mind; keep going until you cant think of anything else. Then re-member what a difference it made. I wish I had something humorous to lighten themoment, but fixing dysfunctional family relationships requires painful pondering of-ten leaving me grief-sick.

For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sor-row.(King Solomon, Ecclesiastes 1:18)


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My Simple Strategy

Orientation and Overview

Every day that I come out to the porchand I dont always come; sometimesIm sick; sometimes its too cold; never seems too hoteach day I fill the cooler withdrinks and the electrical teapot with water to ready myself for the ever changingweather, time of day, and whoever may come. I try to have a little something for eve-ryone. Kids like root beer. I like coffee. Gods favorite is water. What about you?

Then I sweep off the porch, but I wet the straws of the broom first. Dust givesme fits! Next I decide where to position the rocker and the folding chairs for the day. Iusually only open two folding chairs, one for either side of the rocker. The rest remainin the corner until needed. Sometimes I change the storage corner from one side to theother so I can shoo the spiders away; but I kill black widows; yes, sir-ee, Bob!

One day, when I was five or six, I was playing on my front porch with a friendwho was a couple of years older than me. Something black and round caught my eye.I started to reach for it when my friend slapped my hand away and scolded me for myignorance. A black widow spider was sleeping off a stupor from sucking the life outof some creature. My grandchildren play on my porch.

Allowing evil to remain around, even in ignorance, can be deadly. If we pick

it up because we allow it around, we shouldnt be surprised if it poisons us. My friendstomped that spider. I have done so ever since. Stomping involves alertness, caution,and a willingness to fearlessly face a bad situation and do what is right when con-fronted with evil. Back in the old days we called this willingness, virtue.

Once in a while I wet the broom and sweep down the screens. Like the porch,they get dusty, but not as often. I reach the cobwebs when I do. Periodically, Imtempted to hose down the whole porch, but then Id have to move everything out andcover the electrical outlet to keep it from getting wet; more of a mess than I care tohandle. I guess I just tolerate some things. Ill see if I can warm up to the idea.

Let me give you an overview of the thoughts remaining after Ive sifted andsorted, so you can catch my drift. Below are some questions I anticipate, along with

the answers I intend to offer, whenever young people come for a visit. I hope to beconcise since youngsters chase away leisure time by crowding their days with endlessactivities. Youth little appreciate how leisure helps learning.

Why is parenting so hard?

Parents face the daunting taskOf training foolish children

Virtue willingly faces a bad situation fearlessly

to do what is right when confronted with evil.


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To become responsible adultsWhile holding a childlike faith.

What makes parenting so scary?

Prospective parents see othersTurning their foolish childrenInto stumbling stage players,Who do not know their roles,Yet refuse to follow the script.

How does this happen?

Most careless children get the chanceTo seriously damage their pitiful lives

And they typically take it.

Most conscientious parents get the chanceTo over-regulate their careless children

And they usually take it.

Most proud grandparents get the chanceTo spoil their careless grandchildren

And they frequently take it.

How can parents be successful?

Successful parenting is a long processAllowing parents to create an atmosphere

Where children welcome parental instruction:An atmosphere of gracious truthfulness.

How can parents create such an atmosphere?

Three keys unlock the door toA gracious atmosphere at home:

Respect, influence, and forgiveness.

Respect establishes harmony.Influence secures authority.

Forgiveness produces resiliency.

How can parents get their children to listen?

When reciprocal respect establishes harmony at home,


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When increasing influence secures parental power,When fostering forgiveness produces resilient relationships,

Children will receive and respond to parental instruction.

What should parents say when they get a teachable moment?

Parental instruction,set in todays terms,must fix its focus on

the battle of boredom.

How can children win the battle of boredom?

Children can win the battle of boredom bychoosing enthusiasm for the things of Godover exhilaration from passing pleasures.

That, in a nutshell, is what Ive been pondering, and trying to put into practice,all my parenting years. Now that my kids are all grown and gone, Ive had a while towork through the issues of parenting. I think Ive reduced things down to the lowestcommon denominator. Of course there is a lot more to say, but this gives you an ideaof the direction Im heading. Pray for insight. Rejoice in trials. Always be grateful.

choosing rather to suffer affliction with the peo-ple of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of

sin(The Apostle Paul, Hebrews 11:25)


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Volume One

Reciprocal Respect

The Key to Harmony at Home


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CHAPTER 1

Wrestling with Respect

Definition of Terms

Its chilly on the porch this morning. Im plugging in the teapot right now; wa-ter heats up rather quickly, cools off a little slower, the way human emotions work.Instant coffee fumes and froths directly when I teaspoon it into the water in my mug;suddenly everything changes. Likewise, foolish comments froth and fume for a mo-ment but quickly change the atmosphere at home into something dark and churning.

Ever wonder why the froth of old fools doesnt readily subside? They contin-ually reject the truth. Fools start simple and become stubborn because they increas-ingly refuse to repent when challenged by the truth. First, the truth bombards theirconsciences then they bump into the consequences of their bad behavior. Neverthe-less, I respect them, even though they live pathetic lives.

Yet I also respect young simpletons, even though they live pitiful lives. Theytoo carry foolish notions because they reject the truth, but they have hardly begun toget beat up for it. I respect fools and simpletons because Jesus did; case in point, Ju-das and the disciples. Fools and simpletons live pathetic and pitiable lives but a heartof compassion trumps contemptuous treatment.

Not all old people are senseless. Not all young people are silly. Yet I respectthem all, not because of what they try to become or how hard they try to perform, butbecause of who I am and what I choose to do for them. These days I look at respectdifferently than when I was young. I no longer dole out respect only to those I deemworthy of it; its something I show to everyone because of who I am in Christ.

People wonder how I can respect foolish people. Well, I make a distinction be-tween who they are and how they behave. I had you consider the froth of fools be-

cause foolishness is never respectable. While I reject foolish behavior, I respect fool-ish people, and if I can respect a fool, I can respect anyone. If you cant respect fool-ish people, you will drive away your children.

Foolishness is an unspiritual response to an event in life. It is football with meas quarterback and God on the bench. The heart of a child looks for ways to expressfoolishness. That is why children must be regulated. For regulation to be meaningful,it must be reinforced with appropriate consequences. An appropriate response to fool-ish behavior is painful punishment, because folly produces pain in others.

Fools and simpletons live pathetic and pitiful livesbut a heart o com assion trum s contem tuous treatment.

Painful punishment is an appropriate response to foolish behavior.


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Respect has to do with how we treat people. Harmony happens when eachperson respects the rest. Yet reciprocal respect cannot be controlled by judges whohold everyone in contempt of court. Heavy-handed attempts to regulate relationships

inevitably break down, and we invariably need wisdom from above to be tender-hearted and truly gracious.Worldly people assess worthiness of respect by such things as appearance,

possessions, prominence, or performance. Once people assess others, they naturallytreat them accordingly. Hence humans define respectin a working wayas some-thing people must earn according to how well they measure up. Consequently we doleout respect in differing degrees only to those we judge worthy of it.

However, its worth asking: do we have the sensitivity, objectivity, and dis-cernment to judge in the first place? Defining respect from a judges bench in ourhomes leaves our children as objects of our scorn and ridicule for their feeble at-tempts to please our ever-growing expectations. If we believe respect is something we

earn, we typically dispense it in differing degrees only to those who please us.

Such natural notions of respectStem from a desire to scrutinizeFeatures and qualities of othersAnd mistreat them accordingly.

Such natural notions of respectForm the basis of our affectionsInvolving elements of inequity,Discrimination and intolerance.

Such natural notions of respectHarden parents in hatefulness,Crush children with criticism,

Until strife fractures the family.

Spiritual respect is not something Christians show only to those who deserveit. Spiritual respect grows from a Scriptural understanding of how Jesus would treatpeople as the Spirit of God trains us by His grace. Children also catch a lot by way ofexample. If parents are disrespectful, children will catch it like a cold. If parents aregracious, children will bask in it like the beach on a sunny day.

but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a

defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it withgentleness and respect

The Apostle Peter (1 Peter 3:15 ESV)


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CHAPTER 2

Broad Brush Painting

Natural Notions about Respect

The morning sun warms the porch; feels good. A raven preens himself on atelephone pole down the way pausing to voice his displeasure about something orother; cant tell what. In doing so, he calls more attention to himself than whateverbothers him. Like the raven, those who quickly take offense with others, often tellyou more about themselves than they do about those they disrespect.

A vocal few voice the ravens annoyance when others fail to meet their expec-tations. Harsh and rude, they loudly grooonk at those they disrespect. Whats more,they strongly influence others to behave badly. Most of us fail to realize how societyestablishes a collective complaint which winds up wounding so many. We carry natu-ral notions about respect that are anything but respectful.

Natural notions of respect involve intense emotions that are difficult to detectand describe because they often grow out of pain. Painful experiences immediatelygenerate an emotional response. We naturally prefer peace and pleasure over pain. Itshard for us to pity those who cause pain. We simply want the pain to stop, whateverthe cost, and we often inflict pain in return to make it stop.

My feet propel the rocker as I tilt my head back. Resting my eyes, I ponderprayerfully how society accepts attitudes. Frequently, the lone voice of a raven de-fines respect for the rest. If Im not careful, I can caw like a raven when I pass alongto others what I want to say. Some might admire me for such brash ways, but I betraymy Savior when I behave badly, regardless of what the crowd approves.

Standards for disrespect in society are formed by commonly held notionslargely influenced by a single loud complaint. We adjust how we are going to treatpeople based on fluctuating societal notions. Attitudes behind how we treat people are

not fixed; they fluctuate. Societys ravens influence us to adjust our thinking and cru-elly make people pay for what displeases them.

My neighbor is setting up a ladder; looks like painting day. Ever notice howpainters usually stay with a single color and brush until they are finished? Switchingback and forth is more trouble than its worth. Anyone can paint a wall with a broadbrush, but it takes patience and skill to paint trim with a tiny brush. Beyond that, onlya few can paint pictures in detail with water colors or oils.

Painful experiences immediately generate an emotional response.

Words have a profound impact on people,

especially praise and disapproval.


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Critical people often paint others with a broad black brush; everything is darkand gloomy. Their enemies cant do anything right. Eulogizers admire others paintingthem with a broad white brush; their friends can do no wrong. Ironically, some broadbrush painters, against reason, immediately switch colors once friends become foes,

assuming they have the right to commend and condemn at will.Those who dont often criticize typically dont often compliment either. Thecomplexities of life and the weight of words keep many from flattering or ridiculingothers. Characterizing people with broad sweeping strokes is rarely accurate and oftenhurtful. A broad brush is fine for whitewashing over something or blacking out some-thing. Words have a profound impact on people, especially praise and disapproval.

We usually evaluate others by a changing list of laws and treat them accord-ingly, acting as prosecutor, judge and jury, often with little or no evidence. Then weapply a penalty, often harsher than the offense. Natural notions of respect kill peopleinside forcing them to live under this kind of tyranny by quickly jumping to conclu-sions and hastily sentencing them as criminals worthy of cruel treatment.

How we define respect in our mindsAffects how it plays out in our lives.Natural notions of respect involve mePressuring others to perform for me.

We naturally think we have the rightTo treat someone however we wish,If they mistreat us or those we love,But thats begrudging and vengeful.

It hurts our hearts to harbor hatred.God will repay in His time and wayWith firm justice and tender mercyWhat we cannot fathom to perform.

Children paint best with a broad brush and we tolerate that from them. Whenit comes to encouragement and correction, however, parents have to do the delicatedetail work. Respect is detail work; it takes time to do it well. The frail lives of chil-dren deserve more than the fumbling attempts of self-absorbed parents. To developtheir fragile souls to reflect the glory of God parents must paint with a fine brush.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.The Apostle Paul (Colossians 3:21)


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CHAPTER 3

Slippery Spirituality

Spiritual Notions about Respect

When I was preparing to come out to the porch this morning, I broke a bottleof iced tea. I took a couple of bottles from the icebox and set them on the counter.Then I remembered to get the laundry going. When I returned, condensation made thebottles slippery and I dropped one of them. Spiritual notions of respect are slippery.You want to grasp them securely but they get away from you.

With spiritual notions of respect we look past the way people hurt us. We pro-cess pain with understanding. We consider the heart of those who hurt us and discernthat something must have hurt them. We dismiss the impact of pain on our souls. Werealize our natural tendency to hurt others when we feel hurt, and we intentionallychoose to stop the cycle of passing along pain by absorbing it ourselves.

Grasping notions can be like catching tadpoles in a murky pond. These littlefrog-lets are slippery and illusive and quickly vanish. Spiritual notions of respectelude us like polliwogs evade children because true concepts of respect are very wig-gly and other-worldly. Since we cant see or sense them, they get away from us beforewe can fully fathom their form and how they function.

The standard for respect among Christians is fixed in the person of Christ. Weadjust how we treat others by how He treated people. We refuse to shift our thinkingaway from Jesus. He hates punishing people to make them pay for what displeasesHim. He would rather die for us when we are in the wrong. Yet He sadly reserves forHimself the right of retribution, but only for unbelievers who ultimately reject Him.

Lets face it; humans dont like the fact that God reserves for Himself the rightof retribution and that He will ultimately reject those who refuse His gracious offer offorgiveness in the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior from their sins. It seems harsh and un-yielding to them. Yet there are those who would rather endure a fiery hell forever thanenjoy the presence of a holy God throughout eternity.

Regarding respect, either we train people to perform for us by treating thembadly or we feel compelled by Christ to sacrifice ourselves for sinners regardless ofhow they respond to us. Such is the difference between the natural and spiritual no-tions of respect. Spiritual respect absorbs pain by turning the other cheek, weeps overtragedy, prays for enemies, and rejoices when people are rescued from ruin.

We train people to perform for us by treating them badly.


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The human heart finds peace impossibleJust as it finds communication confusingWith those who hold others in contempt.

The explosive emotions of the natural man

Hinge the batwing doors of love and hate,Which so loosely confine barroom brawls.

Disrespect corrupts the character requiredFor healthy and meaningful relationships.Spiritual respect lifts human relationships.

Godly parents employ spiritual respect to serve sacrificially and suffer will-ingly to reach their children. They refuse to burden their children with ever growingexpectations reinforced with arrogant anger. Yet they reject the negligence and laxi-ty that excuses indulgence. They establish an atmosphere at home that settles their

childrens hearts, praying and trusting God to work inside of them.

[God] seeks godly offspring [from marriage]. Therefore take heed to your spirit [notto divorce]

The Prophet Malachi (Malachi 2:15)


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CHAPTER 4

HOME IS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

The Basis of Respect

Here comes my grandson Billy and one of his friends wearing their littleleague baseball uniforms. Look at the smiles; my goodness, so full of life and laugh-ter! They must have won their game.

Howdy, boys! What was the score?Hi, Gramps! We won, nine to nuthin!

Yeah, his lanky friend chimed in, Billy mowed em down like weeds!How about some soda pop, boys? I have root beer!You betcha, Billy replied eagerly, Were very thirsty.Whos your friend? I queried.This heres Lance, Gramps.Nice to know you. I said, reaching for his hand. Hmmm, firm grip; looks me

square in the eyesguilt-free and guileless. Sweet! Billy attracts good friends.

I gaze at them as they guzzle their drinks. The tall freckle-faced Lance sud-denly smiles through a cough, glancing sideways at his friend.

Down the wrong hatch? Billy asks good-naturedly.No, backed up my nose. Lance sputters sheepishly.Ive done that before. Burns like the dickens. Billy sympathizes, never one

to mock or ridicule. Quite a remarkable youngster; good upbringingand the graceof God in his lifemake him rather noble even at an early age.

Billy involves friends in whatever he does and frequently brings them home.He seems to choose good friends too. They like to be around him and feel comforta-

ble at his home. Kids keenly sense hostility in a home, and quickly go elsewherewhenever they detect unfriendliness. If children sense acceptance from their parents,they not only enjoy home life, they feel free to have their friends over.

Respect cultivates an atmosphere of acceptance,

Which forms the foundation for harmony at home.

Children yearn to accept parental values

when they sense parents respect them.


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Some homes are like mortuaries; few living people, furniture placed just so,somber atmosphere, smiles measured or contrived, behavior stilted and subdued, visi-tors looking to leave as soon as possible, all the while careful not to disturb the per-fection. The mood of a mortuary, though respectful, is not receptive. There is a forcedrespect that accommodates death where vitality seems out of place.

What makes homes like mortuaries is casual interest, detached pleasantries,unspoken anger, inordinate expectations, mean-spirited control, in shortdont besurprisedthings that accompany natural notions of respect. On the other hand, spir-itual notions of respect cultivate an atmosphere of acceptance at home, which formsthe foundation for happy, hopeful, harmony.

Other homes are like trash dumpsters, everything everywhere, stale and stinkyatmosphere, dark and dingy setting. Sometimes those who live in dives are in awfulphysical condition, but at least theyre genuine. Fake is frightening for children. Mostkids would rather visit a trash dump than a mortuary. They prefer genuine behaviorwith stench and disorder over a sterile setting with forced and fake behavior.

We gotta go, Gramps. Thanks for the root beer!

Yeah, thanks! Lance joined in as they nearly busted through the screen doorhustling off the porch and down the steps.

Stop by anytime, boys. Be good; have fun! I hollered as they sped off downthe sidewalk.

Youthful enthusiasm infuses energy into everything they do. Children yearn toaccept parental values when they sense parents respect them. Kids also learn to acceptwho they are when their parents respect them, until and unless peers or siblings be-

come more influential; but peer influence increases only when the pull of exhilarationelsewhere replaces enthusiasm for parental values at home.Once teens have concluded that theirparents dont really care about them,

they shift natural trust in their parents to those they hope to impress. At that point,what have they got to lose? Sometimes younger children look beyond their parentstoo, but usually not unless parents abuse them. Oh that married couples would realizefrom the outset that parenting is a privilege and children are a sacred trust from God.

The cheerful attitude,The confident outlook,

The thrill of life,

All reflect the image of GodIn children.

The sour disposition,The selfish orientation,

The fear of death:All reflect the fallen nature

In children.

Parenting is a privilege and children are a sacred trust from God.


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The tension of experiencingThe knowledge of good and evil

Locks the fallen nature andThe image of God

In mortal combat.

What we have stated let us now stress, God instituted marriage for the purposeof seeking godly offspring. Many people start their covenantal life with their spousesintending to remain true to their commitment. But over time they treacherously aban-don that pledge because it costs too much, it takes too much work, and it brings toomuch trouble. Even believing parents can disdain those in their own family.

What therefore God has joined together let not man separate.Jesus Christ (Matthew 19:6)


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CHAPTER 5

RESPECTINGENEMIES

Acceptance and Approval

My screened-in porch generally keeps the flies out, but the boys let one inwhen they stormed out of here a few minutes ago and the little pest quickly found me.Wheres my flyswatter?Ill smash him to smithereensSMACK! Gone for good;thats the best thing that ever happened to that little rascal! Flies have their place butnot on my front porch. Once on my porch, I fight flies to the death!

Im OK with flies outside; I accept their existence because God made them fora purpose, even though I dont like them the least little bit. Flies are feisty, filthy littlefellows that spread disease wherever they go. Like flies, I dont want the Devil or hisdemons pestering me. I know God created them but they chose to become deceiversand destroyers. Yet, I dont dare treat bad angels badly because it will ruin me.

Monarch butterflies begin life as weird looking worms. Then they spin acreepy looking cocoon; but then they become delightfully majestic fluttering beauties.I never smash them. However, not all worms become beautiful. People also act weirdand appear creepy, but we dont know which will become beauties. We often mis-judge people as life unfolds. Judgment day will reveal: the beauties belong to God.

Ive had a few human enemies in life, but I refused to smash them like bugs,except in war, because humans are not really the target of spiritual warfare anyway.Dont we hope to win people away from our spiritual enemies? Worldly people areinfluenced for evil by the Adversary and his aggressors. Therefore, I treat both humanand spiritual enemies respectfully, but each for different reasons.

I try to keep my human enemies close, in order to win them, but I want myspiritual enemies to flee from me, because there is no winning them. I shoo flies away

until I cant stand the constant irritation anymore and then I decide to smash them.Isnt that sort of the way God deals with His adversaries in His good time and in Hisgood way? Yet He never deals with them disrespectfully.

I acceptGods purpose forall my enemies, even though I dontapprove oftheir strategies and tactics. If human enemies come to my porch, I mean to fight fortheir life as long as they let me, but respectfully. When spiritual enemies attack, I re-sist and contend with them, yet respectfully. I believe we should deal with everyonerespectfully because of who we are in Christ.

Severe problems arise when parents failto distinguish acceptance from approval.

Serious problems arise when children

confuse acceptance with approval.


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I love chili and I enjoy trying different recipes. The key to tasty chili is gettingthe right ingredients, and the proper amount of them, and combining them in waysthat best present the flavors people enjoy. Its hard to make the distinctions, but its

easy to tell when someone does. Thats the way it is with respect. We find it difficultto make the mental distinctions, but we can easily detect when someone is respectful.Its extremely difficult to distinguish the elements of respect especially when

dealing with our enemies. We need to carefully differentiate between two key ele-ments of respect: acceptance and approval. For example, its entirely proper to showunconditional acceptance and conditional approval. However it is devastating whenwe show conditional acceptance and unconditional approval.

Serious problems arise when children confuse acceptance with approval.When we show unconditional approval (e.g. I approve what you are doing even if itswrong), or when we show conditional acceptance (e.g. I really like you, except whenI dont feel like it). Unconditional approval spoils children. Conditional acceptance

confuses children. Proper care of children requires careful distinctions.

Unlike flies, I welcome enemies on my porch. At least thats what I tell myselfin my more gracious moments. What about killers, you say; are they worthy of re-spect? Well, I would respectfully re-phrase the question; better to ask, do I personallyhave the right to smash them like flies? I dont think so; they are created in the imageof God and I hope to dialog with them especially when they irritate me.

Dont get me wrong. Willful killers deserve capital punishment. However, if Ipersonally mistreat them, I become like them. Somebody once said, you can bettermeasure a man by his enemies than his friends. True enoughbut I suggest, if youtreat your enemies as your friends, you remain a friendly person, but if you mistreatyour enemies, you become just like them.

God treats the Devil with respect. In the same way and for the same reason,Jesus respectfully called Judas friend knowing fully well that Judas was betrayingHim with a kiss. Should we, as His children, do otherwise, even with those who op-pose us, and especially with the children God has entrusted to us? It is a high and ho-ly privilege to raise children for God, even if they never believe.

As children grow they often experienceOur ever increasing lack of acceptanceAlong with our escalating expectationsUntil they become utterly exasperated.

Wise parents recognize this frustrationAnd continually convince their children

If you treat your enemies as your friends,

you remain a friendly person.


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That while they will always be acceptedTheir bad behavior cannot be approved.

Respect is the key to harmony at homeBut only when it is defined in terms of

How I treat others because of who I amInstead of pressuring others to perform.

Most parents begin by accepting their children unconditionally because babiesare utterly helpless. Yet, since raising children is expensive, time consuming, and a lotof trouble, parents shift from sacrificing themselves to pressuring their children toperform to make the job easier. Children sense rejection when parents misuse anger tomanage them. Selfish parents will not view children as a worthy investment.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.King Solomon (Psalm 127:3)


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CHAPTER 6

GENUINERESPECT

Unconditional Acceptance and Conditional Approval

Im watching a solicitorknock on doors across the street. I recall how door-to-door salesmen maneuvered my mother to buy things she didnt need: the vacuumcleaner salesman, the brush man, shoe peddlers, etc. Many used a fake-kindness flat-tery to prey on people for profit. Needy people fall for flattery. Homemakers dealingdaily with fussy children and endless chores need support and affirmation.

Saccharine-sweet salesmen behave respectfully, but they use respect to take ad-vantage of people. This is fake respect that makes people feel good about how theyare treated but hides harmful ways behind hypocrisy. Yet, my mother truly treatedsuch salesmen kindly in return as she declined their offers. However, when she did,they quickly became cold and abrupt.

Conditional acceptance is likefake-kindness flattery. Some parents appear toaccept their children, but theyre nothing more than crass salesmen. They lead needychildren to believe they care, and then cover their tracks with artificial kindness sothey can get them to do whatever they want. Its like pretending to accept people un-conditionally when in reality there is no acceptance, just manipulation.

Some parents slip and let their children know they are just an irritation to en-dure. Children become confused and feel rejected when they get a glimpse of parentswho only accept them when they perform well, or exceed their expectations, or vindi-cate their viewpoint. When children get out of line, such parents angrily act like theyno longer love their children, even ifits not true.

Children become confused from fake-kindness flattery. They also feel insecurefrom heavy-handed punishment and view even loving discipline as rejection. Real

communication involves childrens perceptions as well as parents intentions. The in-tention of parents has to be good and the children need to realize it is good; but chil-dren arent always the most perceptive and parents arent always well-intentioned.

My favorite ice cream is Raspberry Ripple, but my doctor forbids it. In my earlyyears I called it purple swirl. Though we look for simple answers, not everything ischocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. The elements of respect are impossible to separate.Its always a mix, like purple swirl. When I tried to spoon mostly purple into mymouth, it was overpowering. When I got mostly vanilla, it was a disappointment.

Needy people fall for flattery, whichthe self-sufficient play to their advantage.

The critical elements underlying respectful treatment

are unconditional acceptance and conditional approval.


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Even when respect is not genuine, its enough to keep the needy hopeful.

Some salesmen and some parents try to take advantage of such hopeful neediness.Sometimes I would stir my ice cream past the swirl. It was still good, but not great.Respect is like Raspberry Ripple; you can appreciate it a lot of different ways, and

they are all good, but when purple swirl is the way it should be, its truly great!

Disingenuous respectLike conditional acceptance

Confuses children.

Unprincipled respectLike unconditional approval

Spoils children.

Gracious truthfulness

Like the heart of JesusLovingly disciplines children.

Real respect is always a blend of two distinct elements: unconditional ac-ceptance and conditional approval. When these two elements mingle properly in theway we treat children, its absolutely compelling. All people, not just children, cravegracious truthfulness, except old fools and young scoffers. Gracious truthfulness isthe proper blending of unconditional acceptance and conditional approval.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us andsent His Son, the conciliatory offering for our wayward actions.

The Apostle John (1 John 4:10)


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CHAPTER 7

UNPRINCIPLED RESPECT

Unconditional Approval and Conditional Acceptance

Here comes a little old lady walking her terrier down the sidewalk; yappy lit-tle thing, the dog, not the lady. The lady kind of reminds me of my twin sisters, Cyn-thia and Claire; not sure why. Maybe its her dignified bearing; dont know. Theywere very dear to me and I miss them terribly. Cynthia and Claire have long sincepassed away. Sadly, breast cancer claimed them both in their fifties, like my mother.

Cynthia was self-assured and outgoing, the dominant of the two. Claire wasintrospective, insecure and usually followed Cynthias lead. Cynthia was naturallywarm and friendly and Claire tried hard to behave the same way, but the differencewas noticeable. Claire worked hard, always busy as a bee. Cynthia was the social but-terfly, a real beauty with a personality to match.

Neither of the sisters ever marriedlived together all their lives; what a pair.They usually got along well; sometimes not. For example, one time they decided tohave a pot-luck party. The week of the party Claire worked hard scrubbing and clean-ing. Cynthia called the guests and made all the arrangements. The night of the partywas stormy, wet, and muddy. As the guests arrived, the sisters shared responsibilities.

Each took turns at the door welcoming the guests and escorting them withtheir food to the kitchen. Cynthia was very cordial, while Claire was quite reserved.Cynthia paid no attention to how the guests muddy shoes soiled the carpet. Clairetried hard to follow Cynthias example but she resented the mess they made and alsofelt badly when the guests were embarrassed about it. Afterward they had a big fight.

Cynthia noticed the mess but decided to ignore it. Claire tried hard to ignore itbut felt like Cynthia wasnt really considerate of her or the guests. Cynthia felt ignor-

ing the mess was the gracious thing to do. Though Claire followed her example, shelater wished she had asked the guests to either clean or remove their shoes. Neither ofthe sisters was truly gracious. Occasionally they rehearsed this fight for the family.

Cynthia thought it disrespectful to expect the guests to handle the problem; agracious hostess should approve the behavior of her guests regardless. Claire object-ed. She felt forced to fake graciousness because she felt powerless to accept peopleunconditionally. The guests sensed Claire did not really like them coming into theirhome because she sulked about the mess they made. The party was a flop!

Combining conditional acceptance with unconditional approvaldeals a death blow to respect and destroys harmony at home.

When there is no respect, people try to persuade others to

accept their opinion and vindicate their course of action.


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The failure of each to dismiss either unconditional approval or conditional ac-ceptance caused disharmony in the Twins home. Each felt they could not readily de-termine a respectful way to treat their guests. Cynthia believed the guests could not befaulted regardless of how they behaved. Claire could not find it in her heart to really

accept the guests in a friendly way because she was bothered by the mess they made.Gracious truthfulness is the willingness to speak truthfully in a loving way. Itis sensitive, considerate, and kind-hearted, but also straightforward, forthright, anddirect. Everyone loves to be treated graciously. Truth on the other hand, while it iswonderful, can be difficult to take. It often involves confrontation, sometimes chal-lenging what others have done.

When parents accept their children conditionally and approve their behaviorunconditionally, its a double sabotage to harmony. Unconditional approval means Iapprove everything you do. Children feel good when someone says, Everything youdo is wonderful. But it is very harmful. Children then view themselves as great andbecome un-persuadably proud, while conditional acceptance brings serious insecurity.

Conditional acceptance means sometimes I accept youbut other times I dont,and I dont always have a reason; I just may not feel like it and offer no explanation.

When children get a lot of conditional acceptance, they feel insecure, unwanted, inad-equate, and confused about life. How highly we think of others affects how well weare willing to treat them.

Sometimes, like Cynthia, people will accept others unconditionally and also

approve their behavior unconditionally. Cynthia so desired to engage others shewouldnt consider confronting them about theirmuddy shoes. Sometimes, like Claire,people will accept others conditionally and approve their behavior conditionally.Claire so desired to maintain a lovely setting she let others know she was unhappy.

Respect is all about the reasons we treat people the way we do. We all try tojustify the way we treat people. But respect requires a balance between treating otherswell and speaking truthfully to them about the situation. And when grace and truthembrace it is beauteous to behold. One without the other threatens relationships likewith Cynthia and Claire.

I demand you see my perspective.

I expect you to do things my way.I will argue with you until you do.But somehow I never get through.

The burden of respect falls on me,When I think more highly of you.The burden of respect falls on you,

When I care more about myself.

How highly we think of others affects

how well we are willing to treat them.


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Always accept others affectionately.Always approve excellent behavior.Always considerately tell the truth.Always hold others in high regard.

Never allow yourself to make excuses.

My sisters could have enjoyed the party. Claire loved to serve and longed forher guests to enjoy a nice setting. Cynthia loved to engage and longed for people tofeel welcome. Claire could have sat happily at the door with a stack of towels andwiped the guests shoes. Cynthia could then have cordially escorted them to the kitch-en. If only each held the other in higher regard (sigh).

For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you,

not to thinkof himselfmore highly than he ought to think.

Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love,in honor giving preference to one another.The Apostle Paul (Romans 12:3, 10)


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CHAPTER 8

BALANCED RESPECT

Acceptance and Approval Held in Tension

My rocker is well-balanced. I couldnt go over backwards, if I tried. Propel-ling this rocking chair reminds me of playing on the teeter-totter as a child. After go-ing up and down, we tried to see if we could balance one end against the other sothere was no movement. To balance we had to slide forward or backward to properlydistribute our weight. It seemed like a great accomplishment when we succeeded.

Balancing the elements of respect is tricky too, even for adults. Imagine a fatboy on one end of the teeter-totter and a skinny girl on the other. Lets call the fat boyI-always-accept-everybody-Frank. And lets call theskinny girl I-only-approve-good-behavior-Sally. Skinny girl Sally wont budge from the far end. Fat boy Frankhas to move nearly to the middle. Once in balance, teeter-totters work much better.

If Frank and Sally dont cooperate to keep the teeter-totter in balance, one per-son will slowly rise only a little, while the other drops fast and bounces hard, as eachpush with their feet. In the same way, acceptance and approval are difficult to bal-ance, especially when one is conditional and the other is not. The complexity be-comes too much for most to manage. Yet we need a balanced view of respect.

Balancing the elements of respect is imperative. Balance safeguards againstfaking respect or refusing to respect. If skinny girl Sally adopts fat boy Franks roleand moves to the middle of the teeter-totter, Frank never gets off the ground and Sallyremains in the air. They neither teeter nor totter. They are dysfunctional; balancingacceptance and approval safeguards the definition of respect in our minds.

If the skinny girl changed her name to I-approve-all-behavior-Sally, peoplewould object. Most would realize she tries to treat everyone respectfully but would

sense something is wrong. Intuitively some behavior is harmful for me and hurtful toothers. If the fat boy changed his name to I-only-accept-the-people-I-like-Frank,people would react. Most would realize he plays favorites and shows partiality.

If people cant grasp the need to balance the elements of respect, they canreadily notice the consequences of imbalance. If fat boy Frank jumps off the teeter-totter when skinny girl Sally is at the top, she falls and gets hurt when he decides hedoesnt like her anymore. She needs to learn she cant approve all behavior; he needsto learn to accept all people; and their parents need to teach them what real respect is.

Balancing acceptance and approvalsafeguards the definition of respect.


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Those who effectively approve bad behavior,And dont really accept anyone,

Hate the world.

Those who effectively approve all behavior,But only accept those they like,

Favor a few.

Those who selectively approve good behavior,And accept all they meet,

Respect everyone.

The elements of real respect function fully when properly balanced, like theteeter-totter. Unconditional acceptance and conditional approval work together. Thosewho walk with God accept all people and approve good behavior. When we realizeSally was disrespectful by approving all behavior and Frank was likewise disrespect-ful by accepting only people he liked, we begin to grasp the elements of real respect.

For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For

scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone wouldeven dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we

were still sinners, Christ died for us.The Apostle Paul (Romans 5:6-8)

You cant approve all behavior, but you need to accept all people.


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CHAPTER 9

RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIPS

Mutually Exchanging Respect

My neighbor, Walt, the guy across the street, has put aside painting today. Heis up on a ladder working on the northwest corner of the roof line. Apparently thewood is rotten. It looks like he means to replace part of the eves and sub-roofing. Hesusing a cordless reciprocal saw; the saw blade automatically operates in a back-and-forth motion, like sawing by hand, but the power tool does all the work.

What my handyman neighbor must do is guide the reciprocal saw where hewants to cut and let the power tool do the work. We could liken family members tothe handyman and liken the Spirit of God to the power tool and liken respect to thejob at hand. Reciprocal respect in the home involves a constant back-and-forth ex-change in which each person prefers others above himself.

Heres how reciprocal respect might sound when spoken, and it rarely is: Youare more important than me; No,you are; No, you; No, YOU. Youve heard kids bick-er back and forth; thats how reciprocal respect operates, except it involves ac-ceptance and approval instead of arguing. I accept you without reservation and I al-ways look to find ways to approve whatever good thing you are doing.

Ideally, everyone in the family seeks how they can support and encourage,admire and commend, appreciate and complimentall the time. In actuality, suchreciprocal respect, even in the best of homes, is challenged at every turn by suchthings as inadequacy and insecurity, impatience and irritation, resentment and retalia-tionall the time.

We used to call the teeter-totter a see-saw when I was young; kind of funnywhen you think about it. Since one minute you were up and the next you were down,

we thought others could see us one moment and not the next. Anyway, you can ex-plain reciprocal respect to children by telling them it continually involves doing twothings simultaneously, like the see-saw or teeter-totter.

Its not enough forjust one person in the family to be respectful. Harmony inthe home results when respect is reciprocal among all members of the family. Itshard to reciprocate when we sense people dont approve of what were doing, and alot harder when we sense they dont like us. Parents must model reciprocal respectbefore they can effectively explain it to their children.

Reciprocal respect, even in the bestof homes, is challenged at every turn.

The mutual exchange of respect

requires a reciprocal relationship.


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Parents can model reciprocal respect for their children by how they treat eachother. They can also demonstrate reciprocal respect by how they treat their children,especially when they require correction. When parents first tenderly discipline theirchildren and then warmly embrace them, they communicate very clearly, I accept

you but I dont approve what did. However, sustaining respect is not automatic.The mutual exchange of respect requires a reciprocal relationship. Reciprocalrespect is much more than a mutual admiration society where everyone pats one an-other on the back with an emphatic Atta boy. A reciprocal relationship involvesspending time together, working together, playing together, planning together, decid-ing together, dealing with problems, tied together with casual conversation.

Showing respect to children becomes the basis for receiving respect fromthem, but theresno guarantee youll get it. Children can be mean and hateful simplybecause they have yet to find meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life. Also they canbe frustrated with how long it takes to grow up and find the freedom to experimentwith life. However, there can be more serious reasons they do not respond as well.

Real respect prompts joy and peaceWhich produces harmony at home.The absence of harmony at homeIndicates a serious lack of respect.

There is always a small measure ofCommunal harmony in most homes.Since God created us in His image,Just our presence compels respect.

Natural respect keeps hope alive.Spiritual respect adds much more.Respectful reciprocal relationshipsAdd the mutual exchange of love.

Real respect has a reciprocating affect on relationships. Imagine lumberjacksbefore a massive tree holding either end of a two-man hand saw. As they push thenpull, each compels then propels the others movement. When parents establish respectin the home, they produce an atmosphere that becomes self-promoting. As respectfulparents increase influence and foster forgiveness with their children, love grows.

Love is patient and kind;Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things,Hopes all things, endures all things.

The Apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)


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CHAPTER 10

RESPECT AND IDENTITY

Accepting Correction without Feeling Rejection

Back in my military days, my outfit was under siege at Khe Sanh. We hadbeen cut off for months. Our clothing was tattered and our socks had rotted off ourfeet. Finally some jungle fatigues and socks were air-dropped in to us. We were de-lighted! As we were putting on the socks, someone noticed they were stamped: U.S.Army Rejected. As Marines we laughed, secure enough not to feel slighted.

Most children are not secure. If they do not feel respected they will feel re-jected, especially when punished. Respect secures a sense of identity in children ena-bling them to accept correction without feeling rejection. Spiritual respect acceptspeople regardless of how well they perform. Natural respect holds in contempt thosewho do not perform well. Children embrace real respect; contempt chases them away.

Real respect instills a stable sense of identity that conforms what we do tomatch who we are. If we realize we are created in Gods image, we will refuse to actlike animals. However, respect gained from flattery is fragile and fleeting. Flatterydoes not tell us who we are, it fools us into thinking we are something we are not.Parents who help children make this distinction protect them from predators.

Truly respecting our children establishes a footing for disapproving bad be-havior. Hence spiritual respect is imperative for correcting children properly. If theysense we dont respect them, they will reject us. When we correct childrens behavior,we risk them concluding we no longer accept them. But we reduce that risk when weeffectively communicate that we love them unconditionally.

Parents absolutely must disapprove of their childrens bad behavior, but howthey do so is incredibly important. If our children perceive correction as rejection, welose them. Therefore, we must help them become secure in who they are, so they

dont feel threatened when we, or others, disapprove of their bad behavior. Real re-spect helps children identify who they are.

Once a teenagers identity becomes stable, he willingly accepts guidance fromhis parents. Most parents sense that accepting correction without being devastated isemotionally healthy. When teens receive respect from their parents, and then learn toaccept who they are, they wont crave acceptance from their friends, or be so quick to

swap their upbringing for a lifestyle their peers promote.

Respect secures a sense of identity in children.

I our children erceive correction as re ection we lose them!


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Parents typically assume their children are smart enough to realize swappingtheir upbringing for a corrupt lifestyle is a bad trade. Its like my older brother offer-ing me his great big nickel for my little tiny dime when we were children. Many

youth fail to realize the true value of things and will do senseless things on the spur ofthe moment, even squandering their birthright, like Esau, for a mess of pottage.Many young people struggle with such things as identity, mobility and con-

nectivity, feeling desperately unable to meet expectations heaped upon them. Not afew live discouraged, defeated lives, and lose hope of having any kind of meaningfulexistence before they even have a chance at life! Consequently, doing stupid thingsseems sensible to them, and many ruin their lives long before they reach adulthood.

Once teens lose hope of ever receiving respect from their parents, they natu-rally associate with anybody willing to accept them. It doesnt matter what moralssuch friends may have; nothing else really matters to them. Children held in contemptby their parents seek anything to compensate for the rejection they feel. A simple so-

lution to street crime might just be real respect at home.

Respect instills a sense of identity in childrenThat accepts correction without feeling rejectionAnd conforms what they do with who they are.

This sense of identity willingly accepts guidance.

Parents who respect their children gain a footingTo disapprove bad behavior without losing them.Secure teens readily accept their parents values.Insecure teens embrace whatever peers promote.

My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent.King Solomon (Proverbs 1:10)


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CHAPTER 11

ENTHUSIASM OVER EXHILARATION

Accepting All Aspects of Life

Im sitting on the couch this morning peeling a boiled egg. Isnt it pleasingwhen the shell peels easily? Its tedious when the shell sticks to the egg. Ive heardsome suggest that older eggs peel more readily than fresher eggs but when you buyyour eggs from the market, you dont know how old they are. They are certified fresh,but thats relative. Then they can sit in the refrigerator for awhile.

Much to my surprise, my daughter recently passed along to me what hermother handed down to her long ago. You can tell how fresh eggs are when you coverthem with water. Eggs which lay on their sides on the bottom are very fresh. Eggswhich stand up and bob on the bottom are not as fresh. Eggs which float on the sur-face are bad. Salting the water before boiling eggs makes them easier to peel.

Anyway, Ive learned over time to enjoy the drudgery of peeling difficult eggsand the delight over eggs which peel easily. The response to drudgery and delight re-veals how humans handle their hearts. If I only allow my heart to enjoy what delightsme, I will soon become bored most of the time. If I train my heart to enjoy drudgery, Iwill rest content with whatever comes my way.

Im staying indoors today; feeling poorly. A lot of old people get used to feel-ing badly much of the time. We just learn to live with it. I like to ask young people,What if you felt badly all the time and there was nothing you could do about it? Howwould it affect your outlook on life? Most kids feel good much of the time. Theirbiggest problem is what they choose to do when they feel badly or just plain bored.

Ironically, the unalienable right of the pursuit of happiness might just be-come the downfall of our nation. Following the rationale of our constitution, if our

youth consider the pursuit of happiness as the God given right to seek personal peaceand pleasure, they will unwittingly view God as the author of selfish interests and theState as the avenger of self indulgence; leaving youth no reason to cherish either.

Better then to define the pursuit of happiness in terms of the joy of spirit andpeace of mind derived from hard work on behalf of others. How to instill this in ourchildren compels us to seek enthusiasm for the things of God over exhilaration for thethings of the world. Todays youth are losing the battle of boredom and the plunder ofthat conflict is a sound sense of identity.

The response to drudgery and delight

reveals how humans handle their hearts.

The biggest problem our youth face today is

what to do when they feel badly or bored.


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What does the pursuit of pleasure have to do with respect? Children left toplay all day assume fun is their right. If parental contempt chases children from their

homes, they will seek fun with their peers to cancel how badly they feel from the re-jection. Shouldering a sense of shame drives youth to prove themselves by doingfoolish things and develops a pride-based sense of identity that puts others down.

Not only will children who are rejected at home become peer dependent, theywill seek out various forms of exhilaration; some good, some bad: from Disneyland todrugs, from sports to sex, from driving to drinking. But if they are respected at home,they will generally be as enthusiastic for the things of God as their parents are, andwill have a sound sense of identity. Youth define themselves by how they are treated.

When children feel badly inside due to rejection at home, and look elsewherefor something to make them feel better, they fail to fathom how external fixes to in-ternal problems are temporary at best. Fun activities stir pleasant feelings only so long

as the activity continues. Any external stimulus stirs internal feelings only while thestimulus lasts.

The let down that follows momentary exhilaration leaves youth lower than be-fore, not only because of the disappointment when the excitement passes, but becausetheyre left to grapple with the return of the deadness of personal shame. Mature be-lievers realize how lasting solutions come from the Spirit of God living in them whoprompts enthusiasm for working His will, while youth fail to fathom this.

Ill never forget how my month-old sons countenance brightened when hefirst tasted whipped cream. Thento my amazementthe very next instant he puck-ered up and cried. The sweet taste just didnt last, and the let down caused him to cryfor more; same difference with youth seeking to relieve the pain oftheir parents con-tempt with a moments exhilaration.

Internal problems of the soul almost always require spiritual solutions. A lackof respect in the homeoften seen in a childs bad behaviorreveals an inner, spir-itual problem, which exhilaration in whatever form can never fix. A moments ex-citement can never fill the emptiness of rejection children feel in their hearts from alack of respect by those most dear to them.

Youth often define themselvesBy how they are treated,

Or by those they befriend,Or by what they accomplish.

Internal problems of the soul often require spiritual solutions.


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A sound sense of identityComes from understandingGods design and sensing

Our purpose in serving Him.

Youth tend to define themselves early by how they are treated. If parentsshame them into better behavior, teens then comfort and characterize themselves byextremes of selfish appetites and ambition; appetites to deaden the pain they feel fromrejection, and ambition to prove wrong those who shamed them. Tragically, they hurtthemselves or take their own lives simplybecause they werent respected.

Therefore now, O LORD,please take my life from me,

better for me to die than to live!The Prophet Jonah (Jonah 4:3)


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CHAPTER 12

LONGING FOR GREATNESS

Real Respect and Living in Reality

Its a delightfully lazy afternoon for recovering from influenza. The fresh airand the warm sun help heal my weakened body. God is good. The world suddenlyshrinks for shut-ins; confinement constricts our focus. Yesterday I went sour over be-ing sick. Today I have a realistic appreciation for how the world shrivels for the aged.I now accept a little better how my physical and mental capabilities are diminishing.

Yesterday we pondered the problem of how parents ridicule children for notperforming well. Problems also arise when parents flatter children to encourage re-sponsibility. Some children, as a result, assume they are great; others try to be; stillothers conclude something is wrong with them since they are notgreat. Childrencrave attention yet need help discovering they are not the center of the universe.

Children learn to think realistically about themselves as they shift focus fromthemselves to others. Children feel secure enough to look at themselves realisticallywhen parents really respect them. Parents should neither withhold respect until chil-dren impress them nor flatter children for performing. Replacing ridicule with respectrebuilds relationships; replacing flattery with respect deepens relationships.

Prudent parents ensure their proud children make a critical distinction; theyare not shown respect because of their greatness. True greatness exists when we pre-fer others over ourselves. Respect works best when uninterrupted. When parents con-tinually show respect, their children get a clear picture of their true identity. Respectinterspersed with ridicule and flattery confuses children.

Respect brings remarkable results when Spirit-prompted parents carefullyguide their children to realize the Source of all greatness is the God and Father of our

Lord Jesus Christ. If parents leave their children confused about greatness, some willreadily assume to their own credit what rightly belongs to God alone. We only reallyshow others respect when God works in us.

Ironically, God is no respecter of persons yet He treats everyone respectfullybecause of who He is. A respecter of persons derives power from the personalities heor she exalts or shames. A respecter of persons ensnares people with flattery to usethem for personal advantage while not really respecting them at all. A respecter ofpersons rejects those who refuse flattery just as he or she does those who fail.

The singular greatness of God was established forever

when Jesus served to the point of sacrificial suffering.

Justice officials hope that requiring youth to

serve others will check their criminal behavior.


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Godly parents show respect because of who they are in Christ. Remember, re-al respect is not something we dole out only to those we deem worthy of it; respect issomething we show to everyone because of who we are in Christ. Children begin to

grasp this way of thinking when they shift their focus to serve and sacrifice them-selves for others, a process that requires Spirit-transformation over time.Children, whose parents do not teach them the implications of real respect,

will early assume they are the center of the universe, because from birth they havebeen the focus of attention. Its humanly impossible for selfish children to intuitivelysense their purpose in life because of their fallen nature but regular work assignmentsthat involve helping others impart this perspective.

Parents who fail to communicate with their children early that life is all aboutothers might well find themselves watching in wonderment as the courts assign theirderelict and delinquent children to community service projects. Justice officials ex-pect that requiring youth to serve others will check their criminal behavior with the

hope that some will even realize there is joy in serving others.

The splendor of creation andHow people treat each otherEstablish two distinct truths.

When we give glory to God,When things go well in life,We establish the first truth.

When we accept the blame,When things go bad in life,

We establish the second truth.

The problem with this worldResides with us not with God.However, He alone can fix it.

When God gets the credit,And humans get the blame,We all get what we deserve.

Proud parents are like those who manufacture fake IDs for their children.Proud children preserve such false identities by refusing to accept responsibility forwhat they do wrong. Counterfeit personalities cultivate hypocrisy. Consider the con-sequences: hypocrites readily trade real respect for ridicule or flattery, shaming thosewho fail and flattering those who succeed, and never feel guilty about doing either.

He who is greatest among you,


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let him be as the younger, and hewho governs as he who serves.

The Lord Jesus Christ (Luke 22:26)


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CHAPTER 13SELFACCEPTANCE OVERSELFWORTH

Self-Love and Self-Hate

I treasure a $20 gold piece in my pocket. Until now, my grandfather and Ihave kept this treasure our secret. He liked to worry the coin with his thumb so nowI can barely detect the date: 1849. Gramps eased his anxieties with this Double Eagle.He wouldnt part with it lest the world crumble and he have nothing. The Smithsonian

claims to hold the only one; not true. I have one, and Ill never spend it.Each side of this coin presents a powerful picture. Gramps used to say, Lady

Liberty promotes our purposes while the Peace-through-Power Eagle protects ourcauses. I sigh over the selfish thoughts tempting me whenever I weigh its worth inmy hand. Self-worth, like Gramps gold piece, has a miserly affect on the soul,prompting self-love and self-hate like flip sides of the same selfish coin.

Like gold, the quest for self-worth preoccupies people till their whole worldbecomes self-centered, if not always in their behavior, certainly in their minds andmotives. Parents who promote self-worth leave their children tossing and turning inthe turmoil of self-love and self-hate. Parents first inflate feelings of self-love in theirchildren with flattery then deflate those same feelings with ridicule.

On the other hand, respectful parents help their children feel accepted withoutpromoting the pride of performance. Respectful parents also refuse to reduce theirchildren to the self-doubt and despair of ridicule. Accepting Gods design for our livesis better than attempting to craft a positive self image. Real respect replaces the bond-age of expectations with freedom to follow the Lords purposes for our lives.

When we require children to perform for acceptance, the home becomes a

frightful prison where parents enslave their children by their expectations. Real re-spect replaces the bondage of the pressure to perform with the gracious liberty tolearn from failure, where parents compassionately come along side of their childrenand listen to their struggles, guiding them through the next opportunity that unfolds.

However, liberty is for believers; bondage is for unbelievers, who must be re-strained by law when they fail, until they believe. Wise parents will distinguish be-tween requiring children to perform for acceptance rather than approval. Basically, no

Accepting Gods design for our lives is better

than attempting to craft a positive self image.

We delude our children if we let them believewe respect them for who they are and what they do.


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child should be required to perform for acceptance. Conversely, all children must berequired to perform for approval.

Promoting performance-based acceptance is the bane of human existence. Onthe other hand, performance-based approval maintains law and order in society and

prepares the human heart to cry out to God for mercy and grace. Later we will con-sider how God uses performance-based approval to establish our need for Him, butperformance-based acceptance in any form kills the soul.

Humans are not accepted by God based on their worth or value. We are ac-cepted based on who He is and what He promised to perform for us. We actually de-lude our children if we lead them to believe we respect them for who they are andwhat they do. There are many reasons children feel inadequate; wise parents helpthem realize such feelings come from guilt over wrong-doing before God.

From the evidence of creation, children instinctively realize that there is a Godand He is good. They can conclude, from what they realize inside of them and fromwhat they recognize around them, they are at odds with God and therefore face judg-

ment. Though such knowledge incriminates them, it does not instruct them how tosolve this judgment issue. Believing parents, who obey the Bible, must teach them.

If left to their own ways, or the ways of the world, children will seek a solu-tion in themselves through some foolish form of self-realization or self-actualization.Consequently, they will first delude then deify themselves about who they are, rob-bing God of the glory He alone deserves, and the devil will be only too happy to help

them. Then self-love and self-hate will dominate their thinking.To the extent that children realize they are respected by others, they will con-

sider who they really are, rather than be left to define themselves by the reactions ofmean-spirited, self-righteous people. Only then can they learn to appreciate who theyare personally, how they are distinctly designed, and what individual purposes Godhas for their lives.

Wise parents will treat their children respectfully long before they try to trainthem to be respectful. Obviously, this presumes that parents understand what respectis, and that they treat each other respectfully first. Then children must be trained totreat their parents and their siblings with respect. This goal involves all family mem-bers understanding and accepting who they are.

The more parents emphasize self-worth,The more children will fall for self-love.Parents who raise the bar for acceptance,

Lead their children into the pit of self-hate,Only to seek those who offer selfish love.

Wise parents will treat their children respectfullylong before they try to train them to be respectful.


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Hmmm, I wonder if I should leave Lady Liberty to my grandson. No, I think Iwill hide it before I die, so it will never torment anyone in my family again. The coinhas brought me great grief with little gain. Though Ive learned many lessons by cher-ishing this treasure from my grandfather, the grief far outweighs the gain. Better to berich in faith than to have and hoard this worlds wealth.

Their silver and their gold will not be able todeliver them in the day of the wrath of the LORD.

The Prophet Ezekiel (Ezekiel 7:19)


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CHAPTER 14

CONFIDENCE FROMSELF-ACCEPTANCE

Identity, Individuality and Intention

My porch leans away from the house a little. This old house was professional-ly built on a pier and beam foundation when funds were abundant. However, theporchs foundation was built by my grandfather a generation later from hand-hewntrees when times were hard. The porch isnt secure and stable like the house. It has avery distinct personality, andbeing in frontit rather robs the house of its dignity.

If we were to liken the house to Gods design forour lives and picture theporch as a meager extension of ourselves, we would perceive two distinct identities.Our house identity would reflect the work of a master builder. Ourporch identitywould reflect the ramshackle effort of a rank amateur. Our attempts to fix a facade toour image pose a sorry front for the dignity of Gods design for our lives.

While I prefer my porch and spend much of my time on it, the house deservesmore distinction. Isnt that what we do with our lives? We prefer to make-over ourpersonalities rather than accept Gods design. Godly parents guide their children toaccept who they are, beginning with their identity, but most adults dont realize whothey are, preferring to define themselves by the work they do in life.

Most children are taught that they evolved from animals, when in actualitythey were created in the image of God. Children who realize they are God-designedbecome secure in their identity. A secure sense of who they are helps humans becomeconfident with their peculiarities. Such confidence helps them accept responsibility inkeeping with Gods purposes for creating them.

Children left to think they descended from apes, and ultimately from someprimeval sludge, often behave in beastly, slimy ways. However, those who believe in

God realize they are obligated to live pure lives because He is holy, and when theyestablish a faith relationship with Him through Jesus Christ, they adopt a whole newidentity with a corresponding lifestyle.

Caring parents help each child discover their individuality as well as theiridentity. God deliberately designs and marvelously makes each of His children. Con-sider the impact of personally accepting the specific, intentional, artistry of God infashioning our lives. Our true identity comes from God our Father who designed anddetailed us. Consequently, we feel confident when we accept Him as our Creator.

Our true identity comes from God who designed and fashioned us.

We feel confident and complete once we accept Him as our Creator.


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Instructive parents guide each of their believing children to realize their newidentity. When children are born again from above they take on Christs identity asthey become spiritual beings. Wise parents observe that God does not obliterate Hisoriginal design in their children once they become new creations in Christ. Helpfulparents train their children to take on Christs identity when they become believers.

Christ, who was once known according to how he appeared and operated inHis physical body, is now no longer identified by physical appearance because Hisbody has been glorified. In the same way, we who believe, though our bodies havenot yet been glorified, are no longer identified as mere fleshly people. Neither do weoperate according to our bodily appearance because we have accepted His identity.

We behave differently and we train our children how to do the same. At the

heart of such training is self-acceptance, which is fostered by Biblical respect. Re-spect helps children discern Gods intention for their lives and to live confidently asHis children. Gods purpose for believers involves His design, His gifts and His direc-tion throughout our pilgrimage here. Gratefulness accepts His creative efforts.

We can conclude that Gods purpose for our lives will be in keeping with howHe has designed us and gifted us. Also we will fulfill His purpose for our lives as we

surrender to His right to rule over our lives. When we serve God in the Spirit, wewillingly accept who we are and confidently express Hi

Documents

Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting