PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR HOLDING SUCCESSFUL PROBLEM SOLVING … · 2014-11-07 · PROBLEM SOLVING CONFERENCES WITH STUDENTS AND PARENTS BY SPENCER HENRY Practical Ideas for Educators

PRACTICAL STRATEGIES

FOR HOLDING SUCCESSFUL

PROBLEM SOLVING

CONFERENCES WITH

STUDENTS AND PARENTS

BY

SPENCER HENRY Practical Ideas for Educators

63 Stoneridge Drive

Ephrata, PA 17522

(717) 661 – 7030

Web Site; www.shenrypie.com

E-Mail [email protected]

This book has been designed for your use only.

Any other reproduction of this booklet or part of the booklet

must have prior written permission from Spencer Henry.

http://www.shenrypie.com/

mailto:[email protected]

GUIDELINES FOR CONFERENCING WITH STUDENTS

There is no set pattern when holding a conference. Each conference is different depending upon the situation and

the students. Ask questions. Do not lecture. This format can also be used for group problem-solving conferences. (Class

Meetings)

1. Start out with a positive comment. “Jack, you make a real contribution to the class by asking good questions.”

“Great job on the poster. Sorry to hear those words in class.”

2. Identify the problem. Ask the student if he knows what the problem is.

Be ready to explain the situation and pose a question. Try to tie the

misbehavior to one of the four mistaken goals of misbehavior “Jack, there’s a problem. Do you know what it is?”

“Jack, I noticed you have a hard time behaving when .”

“Jack is there something I did that made you talk like that?” (Revenge)

3. Ask them how they plan to solve the problem.

“How can you solve the problem of ?” (Make them be specific)

“Jack, you have been late to class three times. What could you do to make

sure you get to class on time?”

Be ready for them to be uncooperative at this point. See page 18 and 19.

4. If they say, “I don’t know” ask if you can offer suggestions of what others

have done or what you did when you had the same type of problem. Teacher: “How can you solve the problem?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Would you like to know what others have done who have had the

same problem?” (Don’t wait. If they blink, grunt or give you eye contact, continue.)

“Some students have…”

After you provide a suggestion ask, “Which one will work best for you?”

After they pick a solution ask them to write it down (Action Plan).

When you ask the student, “Would you like to know what others have done to solve

this problem?” and the student says no, or they reject your ideas, just turn the

problem back to them and ask, “How do you plan to solve this problem?”

5. Decide when you will meet to review the plan. “Would you like to meet Friday before school or after to see how well your plan is

working?”

When will these conferences be held? First, they should be held privately. This

can be done before school, after school, during lunch, during your prep time, or

ask the administrator or counselor to cover your class while you work with the

student.

Note: Look for improvement. Reinforce improvement. Realize there may be

some improvement then regression. Old habits are hard to break. You may have

to revisit the plan, but never give up. Never, ever give up.

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RESPONSES WHEN STUDENTS ARE

UNCOOPERATIVE DURING CONFERENCES

1. Changing the Topic - “Broken Record”

Use the broken record technique by starting every sentence with,

“I understand…” or “That’s not the point.”

“That’s not the point and how do you plan to get to class on time?”

“I understand and, (not but or however) how do you plan to get to class on time?”

This is an excellent strategy to use at parent conferences when parents try to get

you off task. It is also an excellent strategy to use with your own children.

2. Show Stoppers - “I don’t care.” “I don’t know.”

“If you did care, what would you say (do)?”

“If you did know, what would you say (do)?”

“What would be your best guess if you did know?”

“What don’t you know so I can help you solve the problem?”

“Would you like me to share with you what another student did who had the same

type of problem?”

3. Blaming Others - Trying to transfer the problem to others.

“I’m not interested in finding fault. I’m interested in solutions.”

“Who do you control? What do you need to do to solve this problem?”

“We’re not here to blame others. We’re here to solve the problem. What are you

ideas for solving this problem?”

4. Making Excuses

Don’t judge the response. Just acknowledge and pose another question.

“Could be. And how can you solve the problem?”

“You may be right. And what can you do to get to class on time?”

5. Becoming emotional, upset, angry

Show understanding and lead with empathy, then use “and” not “but”

or “however” and go back to solving the problem.

“Sorry you feel , and what can you do to solve the problem?”

“I can understand how you feel and...”

“I bet you feel , and…”

“It sounds like you’re... And …”

S. Henry, P.I.E. (717) 661 – 7030 2 www.shenrypie.com


6. Stonewalling - Don’t want to talk “Since you’re not ready to talk about it, I will decide.”

“You have a choice to __ or come up with a better idea. Let me know by 3:00.”

“You can work this out with me or the principal and your parents. The choice is

yours.”

“Oh, I thought we could solve this problem. If you would like we can involve

. What would you rather do?”

7. Unworkable Solutions – Coming up with something that’s not

acceptable.

If you can’t live with the solution, just say no. Their solution cannot

cause a problem for themselves or others. Ways to say no:

“That doesn’t work for me right now. What else can you suggest?”

“My initial response is no. Can you provide me with more information so I can

change my mind?”

“I have to say no to that. How about something else?”

“I feel uncomfortable about this. Let’s talk a little more.”

“I don’t think so. What else can you suggest?”

“Your solution cannot cause a problem for yourself or others. What else can you

suggest?”

8. Promises, Promises, good intentions.

Don’t accept promises or good intentions. Get specific ideas that they

will use to solve the problem.

“I’m really glad to hear that, and just in case, what specifically are you going to

do to solve the problem?”

9. No Show

If a student does not show for the conference, just approach the student

the next day in a respectful way and ask if there was a problem that

they did not report for the conference. If there was no legitimate

reason, give them a choice to solve the problem with you or get some

other people involved. If they say they will solve it with you and don’t

show up again, they really made the choice to get someone else

involved.



Questions that Don’t Work When Conferencing

with Students

1. Why questions

- “Why did you do that?”

- “Why aren’t you like your brother?”

2. What questions

- “What’s your problem?”

- “What would your mother / father think?”

Questions or Statements that Work

1. “What is happening?” , “What’s the problem?” or

“What happened before…?”

2. “What were you feeling when...?” Or “You must have felt…”

3. “I understand. I can remember when I did something like…”

4. “Is that against the rules?”

5. “How do you think your actions affect others?” Or

“How do you think others feel?”

6. “How can you solve this problem?

“What can you do to avoid it in the future?”

7. “Would you like to know what others have tried?

How will this work for you?”

S. Henry, P.I.E. (717) 661-7030 4 www.shenrypie.com

Conferencing with Younger Children

1. Lead with Empathy – Express an understanding for how you

think the child might be feeling.

“I bet you felt…” “Sounds like you’re…” “How unsettling”

2. Show Understanding – Showing understanding does not

mean you reject or condone the behavior. It just means you

understand the child’s perception. Share a time when you felt

or behaved that way

‘I can understand how you must feel” “I can remember when I

felt _____.” Or “ I can remember one time that happen to me.”

3. Turn the Problem Over to Them

“How do you plan to solve this problem?”

“What do you think you can do to solve this problem?”

4. Expect “I don’t know.”

After they say I don’t know. Ask permission to share what

others have done about the problem.

If they say yes provide them with some choices and ask which

one will work best for them.

If they say no ask them how they plan to solve the problem

5. After they come up with a plan set a time when to meet to

see how their plan is working.


DEVELOPING ACTION PLANS AND

CONTRACTS WITH STUDENTS

1. Have students and teachers list positive things about the student

and class. Discuss.

2. Have students and teachers list undesirable behavior. Compare

and discuss.

3. Ask the students to suggest ideas how to change the undesirable

behavior. List them.

4. Decide on consequences if undesirable behavior continues.

5. Discuss ways the teacher can help assure positive behavior.

6. Decide when to meet again to review the agreement.

INVOLVING STUDENTS EMPOWERS STUDENTS;

THEREFORE HELPING STUDENTS

BECOME ACCOUNTABLE AND RESPONSIBLE.

NO SAY – NO POWER

NO RESPONSIBILITY


ACTION PLAN

STUDENT NAME TEACHER NAME

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES STATE THE PROBLEM____

CAUSES SOLUTIONS ___________

HELPFUL REMINDERS CONSEQUENCES_________

I CHOOSE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY BEHAVIOR AND COMMIT MYSELF

TO THIS ACTION PLAN.

DATE AND TIME TO REVIEW

SIGNATURE DATE

SIGNATURE DATE


STUDENT CONTRACT

This contract is being developed due to (student’s name ) previous behavior and

to help keep him / her focused on the purpose of school, to get an education. ( student’s

name ) has the right to an education, but does not have the right to disrupt school so

others cannot receive an education. The contract, hopefully, will help ( student’s name )

improve his behavior, as well as his academic progress. ( student’s name ) is welcome

to attend (school’s name) as long as his / her behavior and academic progress are

acceptable.

1. If (student’s name ) is referred to the office or sent to the time out area for

disruptive behavior or failure to follow the school’s rules, the following steps will

occur:

1st time:

2nd time:

3rd time:

4th time:

2. If (student’s name ) is referred to the office for a major infraction (i.e. disrespectful

to a teacher, fighting, truancy, possession of tobacco, drugs, or weapons), he/she

will automatically go to the last step, as well as any legal consequences.

3. For every 15 school days ( student’s name ) is not sent to time out or referred

to the office, he / she will move back one step on the consequences.

4. To help (student’s name ) stay focused, he / she will meet with his counselor

weekly.

5. Parents will be kept informed.

Student Signature Witness


My Contract

What was I doing? I was

What did I get? I got

Is this what I wanted?

I want

What is my plan? I will

will check to see how I am following my plan on

Signed Student

Signed Teacher

Date



POSITIVE CONFRONTATION

Positive confrontation is a conference held with a student, teacher and

with another person, who serves as a mediator. The purpose of the

conference is to have the student and teacher identify the problem and come

to an agreement on how to stop the behavior.

THE MEDIATOR:

1. Asks the teacher, “What do you like about the student?”

2. Asks the student to repeat what was said.

3. Asks the student, “What do you like about the class?”

4. Asks the teacher to repeat what was said.

5. Says, “Good. We now have some things that each of you like.”

6. Asks the teacher, “Tell the student exactly what you do not like about

the student’s behavior.”


8. Asks the teacher, “Does the student understand?”

9. Says, “Tell the teacher what upsets you.”

10. Asks the teacher to repeat what the student said.

11. Says, “Now the problems are established.”

12. Asks the teacher, “How do you think we can solve the problems?”


14. Asks the student, “How would you like the teacher to help you with your

problem?”

15. Asks the teacher to repeat what was said.

16. Asks the student and teacher, “Do you think both of you (teacher /

student) can live with the solution?”

At each step, discussion should occur which will lead to a solution and

agreement.


TWO-PERSON PROBLEM SOLVING

If the problem is between two students, you may have to negotiate a conflict-

resolution conference. Start by setting some ground rules: no interrupting, each person

will get an opportunity to speak. No calling one another names, agree to resolve the

problem. Ask one student, “What happened?” Then say to the other student, “I guess

you saw something different?” or “What happened before…” or “Do you feel the same

or different?” Ask each student how they think the other person felt when … Then ask

both how this problem can be solved or ask, “What else could you do or say the next

time so you don't get into trouble?" Finally, agree on a solution and a time when you

will meet to see how things are progressing. Sometimes it is best if you give the two

students a list of the questions and have them meet alone to resolve the conflict or this

could be part of a class meeting. In the class meeting other students may help with

solutions. Plus, there may be some minor players in the conflict who need to be

involved in the solution.

Taking the students through these processes allows them to learn how to deal with

their anger and conflict in the future. For some students, it may take more than one

problem-solving conference. They didn’t become this way overnight; therefore, they

will not change overnight.

ANGER COMES FROM A FEELING OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL.

CHOICES GIVE AN ANGRY PERSON SOME CONTROL.

YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN EMOTIONS

BEFORE YOU CAN DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONS OF YOUR STUDENTS.

NEVER TRY TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE

WHEN YOU OR THEY ARE EMOTIONAL…

GIVE YOURSELF TIME.


PROBLEM REPORT

Name Date

1. Who was involved?

2. Where did it happen?

3. Did anyone else see what happened? Who?

4. Tell what happened.

5. What were your actions prior to the problem?

6. How do you feel about what happened?

7. How do you think the other person feels?

8. Why do you think the other person feels that way?

9. Name two ways you could have solved the problem or something you

could have done so that it would not have happened.


PROBLEM SOLVING

Name: Date:

1. What happened...

2. I felt . The other person felt .

Me Other Person

3. Next time I could ...


HOLDING SUCCESSFUL PARENT CONFERENCES

1. SET THE TONE.

2. BUILD RAPPORT. CONVEY THE MESSAGE THAT YOU CARE.

3. IDENTIFY AND DISCUSS THE PROBLEM.

4. ASK FOR THEIR INPUT.

5. BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER.

6. DEAL WITH THE ANGRY PARENT.

7. SUMMARIZE AND GAIN PERMISSION TO SHARE.

8. DEVELOP AN ACTION PLAN.

9. INVOLVE THE STUDENT.

10. END ON A POSITIVE NOTE / FOLLOW UP.

Your goal is to bring resolution where there is no winner or loser, but where both

parties walk away with a win / win solution. Your immediate goal is to transform a

potential argument into a discussion. To do this, the parent must feel like their

viewpoint is being respected and heard without bias.

If you are expecting any trouble, involve another staff member in the meeting.

Always hold the conference during school hours when other staff members are still in

the building.

1. SET THE TONE

Greet the parents in a warm, friendly manner. Establish eye contact, shake

their hands and thank them for taking time out of their busy schedule to come in

and solve the problem. Do not be defensive or get into the conference with a chip

on your shoulder. Be prepared and positive. Treat the parents the way you

would want to be treated. Ask yourself, “How would I like someone to speak to

me about my own child?” If at all possible, begin the conference on a positive

note about the child, highlight achievements, be specific. Share something

good you have accomplished with their son / daughter. This is not a time to

be humble. Let the parents know you are interested in what is best for their

son/daughter and that you want to work together as partners to help their children.


2. BUILD RAPPORT. CONVEY THE MESSAGE THAT YOU

CARE.

Use the following statements to convey the message of caring and

togetherness: “I want your child to be successful. I’m sure you do.” “I want

your child to be respectful. I’m sure you do.” “We both want the same thing.” “I

want the best for John.” “ We both want the best for John.” “We both want John

to be successful and responsible.” “I’d like for us to work together on a solution

to .” “Why don’t we look at this situation together to see if we can come up

with a possible solution?”

3. IDENTIFY AND DISCUSS THE PROBLEM

Approach “the bad news” with tact. Remember, the way you say it is more

powerful than what you say. It can be helpful to present the facts before giving

your interpretation (“I think…”). The examples you give should be objective

descriptions, not subjective. It is important to avoid overloading the parent with

too many samples of work or examples of behavior unless requested by the

parent. (No matter how small the dosage, bitter medicine is still hard to swallow.

Even small amounts of “negatives” seem overwhelming.) Allow the parent the

opportunity to make an individual assessment when appropriate.

State the problem in a way that assures the parent believes something can be

done. When approaching “the problem” use phrases such as: “I’d like for us to

work together on a solution to...”, “Let’s see what we can do about a matter

concerning...”, or “Why don’t we look at this situation together and see if we can

come up with a possible solution to...?” rather than: “I’ve got a problem with...”,

“I’m having a hard time dealing with...” or “It’s been very difficult to...”

If a parent tries to change the subject or blame something else, just use the

“Broken Record” technique and get them back on track. Start all sentences with,

“I understand” or “That’s not the point” and restate what you want.

One of the toughest things to do when dealing with parents is to get them to see

their child’s shortcomings. It’s especially hard for parents to hear anything

negative about their children. They may feel it reflects on their parenting abilities

and they are powerless to do anything about it. That is why it is important to start

off mentioning something positive about their child’s abilities, work or attitude.

If you need to disagree with something they say, acknowledge their feelings

and do so politely. Use statements like: “I understand you think ___ and I have

to respectfully disagree.” or “To you ____ and to me ____.”


4. ASK FOR THE PARENT’S INPUT.

Use them as consultants. They may know their child better than you do.

Ask the parent: “Does it surprise you to hear this?”, “Have you noticed anything

different about...”, “Are you aware this is happening?”, “What is your perception?”

“What are your suggestions?” or “How do you think we should respond?”

Don’t force the parents to lie by asking them, “What do you do when this

happens at home?” Just rephrase it to obtain their cooperation. “What would you

do if this happened at home?”

5. BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER.

Two techniques to use to let people know you are really listening are

backtracking and clarifying. In backtracking you repeat the last words they

said. “Do I understand this correctly? You said…” In clarifying you ask

questions about what they said. “What do you mean by…?”, “Could you

explain…?” or “I don’t understand what you mean by…”

While being an active listener, you gain a better understanding as to what the

parents really want. Acknowledge their viewpoint, feelings and then redirect

to the solution. Use statements like: “I can see that you’re upset. Let’s take one

step at a time.”, “What would you like me to do?”, “I can understand how you

feel and I know we can come up with a solution.”, and “I’m sorry you feel that

way, and it’s important that John completes his homework.” When connecting

two thoughts, never use “but” or “however”. Always use “and”.

6. DEAL WITH THE ANGRY PARENT

It is helpful to remember that most parents, even angry ones, are concerned about

their child’s education. Although their approach may be misguided, their motives

are often good. Remind parents there are always two sides to a story. The

purpose of the meeting is to hear both sides and resolve the problem.

Sometimes you may find it necessary to allow the parents to vent. Venting

gives you the opportunity move the parents from an irrational to a rational

problem-solving position. While they are venting, use words like: “Ah, ha…”,

“Umm”, “Tell me more” or “Help me understand”.

Let them talk without interruption even when you believe they’re wrong.

Watch your body and facial actions. They send more of a message than what

you say.

Stay cool under fire. If you were wrong, admit it and rectify the situation.

Parents who are angry and unreasonably critical may blast you with an irrational

tirade. Try to remain calm even in the face of hostility. Say to yourself, “I am

cool. I am calm.” Your self-control, positive attitude, quiet and firm tone of

voice will often be enough to soothe an irate parent to the point where rational

discussion can begin.


Suppose in spite of your efforts, a parent’s anger continues and becomes

abusive. In a firm, controlled voice say, “I’m very uncomfortable with the way

you are speaking to me. It’s making it impossible for me to work together with

you for the good of your child. I’ll be happy to continue if you stop the cursing.

(screaming, etc.) I can take you being upset, I cannot take your abusive language.

You have a choice to stop the abusive language or this conference will be over.”

If this doesn’t work, it’s time to end the conference. “It’s not going to be helpful

for us to continue today. I’d be glad to set up another meeting when everyone is

calmer.”

If you feel physically threatened, don’t hesitate to get help or even call the police.

You need to check if the angry parent has moved from the venting, irrational

position to a discussion position. Use statements like: “Can I tell you my side of

the story?” or “Would you like my thoughts on the situation?”

If the parents respond in a positive way, share your ideas and possible solutions .

If the parents respond in a negative way, allow them to continue to vent by asking

them, “What do you want?” “What else would you like to share about the

situation?” Listen and prove you have. Continue to use your active listening

skills.

Parents usually let you know they are finished venting by pausing longer

between sentences and asking you questions like, “How would you feel if this

happened to your child?” or “I’ll bet you’d be upset is this happened to you.”

7. SUMMARIZE THE PROBLEM AND GAIN PERMISSION TO

SHARE YOUR IDEAS.

Summarizing is usually one or two statements which highlight the content of

the discussion. It is “reflecting” back key words and phrases. Feelings should be

reflected with the content.

It is a way to move between the problem and the solution. It is important not

to forward a solution UNTIL the problem has been summarized to the satisfaction

of both the teacher and the parent.

Summarizing can begin with phrases such as: “Now as I see it, your main

concerns are...”, “I believe we can both agree the problem centered around...”,

“Let’s see if I can briefly outline the main points we’ve discussed...” or “Maybe it

would be helpful if I could highlight the main points so far...”

If the parent disagrees with the summary, don’t act defensively or aggressively.

Rather, ask the parent to restate the main points.


After, explain how you see the situation. Ask for permission to share your

ideas. Never tell people what to do. Always ask for permission to give advice.

Use phrases such as, “I have a couple ideas. May I share them?” “Would you

like to hear what I think we can do?” “Would you like to hear what another

student did when they had this type of problem?”

Consider options to the problem; get the parents’ input. You need to be

flexible on solutions and firm on your intent. The intent is for the child to

learn and behave. There may be different solutions to accomplish this goal. Give

choices and work for a win / win solution. Use statements like: “We could do

this or this.”, “How would you feel about…?”, “Some parents have…”, “These

are my thoughts. What are yours?”, “What do you think might happen if…?”, or

“How do you think that might work?”

Do not be discouraged if your solution is turned down. Do not become angry and

defensive. Do not interrupt or shut out the parent. Do not continue to force your

solution on the parent. Ask what problem the parents have with the suggested

solutions. Listen carefully to their objections. Consider adapting your solution

relative to their concerns. Consider suggesting other solutions that build on your

understanding of the problem. Ask the parents to offer other solutions.

8. DEVELOP AN ACTION PLAN

Summarize the solutions, especially the ones agreed upon. Clearly define who,

what and when. What actions will be taken by the parents, student and teacher?

When will these actions be taken? Agree on how and when to evaluate if the plan

is working. Establish how you will stay in contact with one another. Set up a

tentative date if another conference is required. Parents need to feel that

something will happen or they will remain upset.

9. WHEN TO INVOLVE THE STUDENT

After the parents have vented and you had the opportunity to explain your side of

the story and you start discussing a possible solution, bring the student into the

conference. The student must be involved in the solution if the Action Plan is to

work. Use statements like: “Your mother feels…”, “We think there is a possible

solution to the problem. How do you feel?” or “Do you understand the problem?

Do you have any ideas as to how this problem can be resolved?”

10. END ON A POSITIVE NOTE.

If at all possible, never leave a conference angry. That does not resolve anything.

Leave on a positive note that together you can do what is best for the students.

Save one encouraging comment for the end of the conference.


Close the conference when the problem has been resolved to the satisfaction of

the parent and teacher. Ask yourself if further discussion would be more productive.

Determine whether the feelings of the parent, teacher and child have been considered.

Follow up with written correspondence. Send the parents a note thanking them

for coming in, reassuring them that by working together we will be able to resolve the

problem. Summarize what you agreed upon.

ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES

FIRST STRIKE

Any time something happens or you have done something that may be

misinterpreted, it is better to call the parent before the child gets home.

PRACTICE PREVENTION

One of the best ways to reduce the number of difficult encounters with parents is

to have an ongoing relationship with them. Regular correspondence or phone calls can

head off trouble by establishing trust and letting parents know you care. Make an effort

to contact parents about something positive before you have to deal with the negative

call. When parents hear good news, they realize you care and will be more receptive if

you have to tell them about a problem.

At the beginning of the year contact the parents and introduce yourself, build a

relationship with the parent and let them know what you are about, such as teaching

learning, honesty, respect, accountability, responsibility and problem solving. This

way, when you have a problem, you have a foundation from which to start. You can

ask the parents questions such as, “John not doing his homework – is that helping him to

learn?” “Bill, calling someone a name – is that respectful?”

The bottom line: Try to see the parents as partners. Then work together with a

spirit of cooperation for the good of their child.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I CAN DO TODAY ARE:

LISTEN TO MY STUDENTS, SUPPORT MY COLLEAGUES

AND TALK TO THE PARENTS OF MY STUDENTS.


PARENT CONFERENCE WORKSHEET

Be prepared. Read the section on “Holding Successful Parent

Conferences”. Develop the worksheet with questions you plan to ask.

1. Set the tone.

A. Start with something positive the child has done and something

you accomplished with the student.

2. Convey the message that you care. Communicate that you want

the same thing as the parents and that the problem can be solved.

3. Identify and discuss the problem.

A. Approach the bad news with tact.

B. Be objective, not subjective. Avoid overloading.

C. Share the problem in a way that assures the parents something can

be done.

D. Be ready if they are defensive and blame others.

4. Ask for their input. Use them as consultants.

5. Be an active listener.

A. Backtrack and clarify.

B. Acknowledge their viewpoints and redirect.

6. If parents are angry:

A. Allow them to vent.

7. Summarize the problem and gain permission to share your ideas.

A. Consider the options. Be firm on intent, flexible on solutions.

B. Give choices. Look for win / win solutions.

8. Develop a plan.

A. Clearly define who, what and when.

9. Involve the students.

10. End on a positive note and follow up.


20 DO’S

FOR SUCCESSFUL CONFERENCES

WITH PARENTS

DO get your mind right. Go in with a game plan. Visualize how you want things to

go.

DO consider conference arrangements: Interruption-free room and seating

arrangements.

DO establish a positive tone. Greet the parents warmly.

DO begin with good news. (facts / specifics about the student and things you have

accomplished with the student)

DO clearly send the message, “I want what is best for your child. I care about your

child.”

DO approach the problem with tact. Carefully share examples of the evidence

objectively, not subjectively.

DO avoid sharing too much “bad news” evidence. More is usually NOT better.

DO convey a sense that this concern is definitely fixable. “I know if we work together

we can resolve the problem.”

DO ask for and value the parent’s input. Put the parent in the position of consultant.

Convey, “You are an expert about your child and I’m glad you are here.”

DO ask for permission to share your ideas.

DO go into the conference with some problem-solving options in mind. Stay positive

even if your options are not accepted.

DO stay focused on using your best active listening, backtracking and clarifying

techniques.

DO identify, discuss and summarize the problem. This is critical to move to the

problem-solving phase of the conference.

DO be flexible on solutions and firm on intent.

DO work hand-in-hand with the parent to develop an action plan (who, what, when)

DO involve the student in the conference at the appropriate time. They must be

actively involved in the solution if it is going to work.

DO admit if you were wrong and let them know that you will rectify the situation.

DO close the conference on a positive note.

DO follow up.


CONTACTING PARENTS BY PHONE

1. INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND STATE THE REASON FOR CALLING:

“I need your help…:

“I’d like to describe to you…”

2. STATE YOUR GOAL:

“This is what I plan to do…” (have done – first strike)

“I am interested in having your son / daughter be successful. Here is what I’d like

to do…”

“I thought I could do ________ or ________ to help solve the problem. What do

you think?”

3. ASK FOR SUPPORT:

“This is how you can support me…”

“I don’t want you to do anything now. I just want you to be aware. I know

_____ and I can work out this problem.”

“I need your help in…”

“If we work together I know we can resolve this problem.

4. ASK FOR THEIR THOUGHTS AND / OR FEELINGS

“What are your thoughts and feelings on this?”

5. CONSEQUENCES

“If ______ doesn’t ______ , I have no other choice but to _______.”

6. END ON A POSITIVE NOTE

“Thanks for your understanding. / support / cooperation. I know together we can

help ______.”

“It’s encouraging to find someone as supportive as you. I’ll get back to you to let

you know how things are going.”


DEALING WITH AN ANGRY CALLER

1. You cannot treat them as rational people; therefore, you will not be able to reason

with them at first.

2. Listen calmly through to the end of the complaint.

3. Do not attempt to defend your actions or the actions of anyone on your staff.

Never, never, never argue, make excuses or defend. Just listen at first.

4. Do not take the caller’s anger personally or get angry yourself.

5. Stay calm. LISTEN – LISTEN – LISTEN.

6. Let the person know you are listening by saying, “Yes”, “I appreciate your

calling”, “Uh – oh”, “I understand how you feel”, “I am sorry you feel…”

7. The caller will eventually give you clues that they are almost through venting;

i.e. pause longer between sentences and ask questions such as, “How would you

feel if that happened to you?” or “I’ll bet that would upset you, right?”

8. When the person’s anger is exhausted and he or she has finally stopped talking,

it’s your time to talk.

9. First, try to understand the problem by backtracking (repeating) what you think

you hear. Backtracking makes a person feel understood and important.

10. Clarify comments. “What do you mean by…?” Listen until the person is rational

and express a willingness to work with you.

11. Ask for permission to explain your side or point of view. Never tell people what

to do or what is wrong. Ask for permission or request a conference and set a

time to get together. Then let the person know you want to help with his / her

concerns.

12. Do not attempt to solve major problems over the phone. Gently insist that you

want to solve the problem and you will meet at his / her convenience.

13. By meeting later, it will give you time to prepare and give the caller an

opportunity to think through his / her concerns. Then when you meet you will

find the person in a more cooperative mood.


ABUSES AND THREATS

1. VERBALLY ABUSIVE LANGUAGE DURING THE CALL

If the caller becomes verbally abusive, calmly explain you’re willing to

listen but not willing to listen to abusive language and that if it continues, the

conversation will end.

“Excuse me. I can handle the problem, but not the swearing, and as you

were saying…”

2. THREATENING TO GO TO YOUR SUPERVISOR

Deal with threats of going over your head. Let the caller know that it is

their choice but you thought it could be worked out without involving your

supervisor. Don’t let threatening you with going to your supervisor make you

give in.

Just calmly state, “I am sorry to hear that. That is one of your choices, but

I thought we could resolve this problem. What would you like to do?”

3. ATTACKING YOU PERSONALLY

If the caller attacks you personally like, “You’re a racist!”, “You hate my

child!” or “You’re always picking on him!” use strategies for avoiding power

struggles and politely disagree; i.e. Fogging techniques, “To you… / To

me…”,Lead with feelings.

“I am sorry you feel that way. Let me assure you that is not the point.”

Then restate the point.

“To you . To me . How can we solve the problem?”

If they continue to personally attack you, let them know you want to solve

the problem and if these accusations continue, the conversation will be over and

the problem will be sent to the principle.

4. KICK IT UPSTAIRS

Sometimes you may need to pass the unhappy caller on to a higher

authority.

“I am sorry we cannot seem to resolve this problem. You may want to

arrange a conference with my supervisor.”

Let your supervisor know they may be getting a call.


SUMMARY OF STRATEGIES

FOR CONFERENCING WITH PARENTS

1. I believe all parent conferences, like student conferences, should start

with something positive. Then we need to identify the problem.

During the first few moments of the conferences I believe you, the

teacher need to convey a message that you care, that you want to

work with the parents, and that the problem can be resolved. Use

statements like, “I want your child to be successful. I’m sure you do

too.” “We both want John to be successful and responsible. I know

if we work together we can come up with a solution to this problem.”

2. If you disagree with something the parent says, you could use a “To

you… / To me…” statement. “I’m sorry you feel this way. To you,

John using those words is acceptable. To me, it is not.”

3. You can also use Closed-end questions in certain situations when

dealing with parents. For example, you could say to the parents, “Is

this behavior helping your child to learn – yes or no?” If they say

yes, you could use “To you… / To Me” statements where you

respectfully disagree with what they say. For example, “To you, it

is helping your son to learn. To me, it is not.” If they answer no to

your close-end question, that is the time to ask them, “How can we

solve this problem?”

4. If the parents make excuses, blame others or try to change the

subject, you could use your Fogging Techniques and then redirect

them. For example, “You may be right and how can we solve this

problem?” “That’s not the point. How can we solve the problem?”

“I understand and how can we solve the problem?”

5. If the parents are emotional, like students, just listen. Let them

know you are listening. Remember, you cannot be rational with

an emotional person. Once they are done venting, and they will let

you know by pausing between sentences and asking you questions

such as, “How would you like if this happened to you or your child?”

These are questions I don’t answer. I just ask, “How can we solve

this problem?” or “Can I share with you what I think we need to do to

solve this problem?”


6. An excellent strategy to use when parents become abusive is

Language of Choice. You could say, “I can understand you

being upset and I cannot take you using that type of language. If

that language continues, this conference is over.”

7. For any parent conference where you are trying to change student

behavior, there must be a time to involve the student. First you

should meet with the parents alone, and after you and the parents

have come to some type of understanding, then you need to get the

student involved. The student must be involved in coming up with a

solution if the plan is to work. The student must realize that the

parent and the teacher are working together on the solution. If the

student realizes the parent and the teacher are not together, the child

will divide and conquer.

TEACHING RESPONSIBILITY

IS MORE IMPORTANT

THAN OBEDIENCE.

WE OFTEN THINK CONTROL IS BEST

UNTIL WE EXPERIENCE SOMEONE

TRYING TO CONTROL US.

ASKING QUESTIONS PUTS YOU IN CONTROL.

WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IMPROVES,

RESPECT INCREASES AND BEHAVIOR IMPROVES.


Documents

PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR HOLDING SUCCESSFUL PROBLEM SOLVING … · 2014-11-07 · PROBLEM SOLVING CONFERENCES WITH STUDENTS AND PARENTS BY SPENCER HENRY Practical Ideas for Educators