PRESIDENT JOE"Shimmy SHimmy"Written by Rodney OhebsionCopyright 2015INT. TV SHOW SET - DAYKATHIE LEE GIFFORD and HODA KOTB are seated and hosting TheToday Show.HODA(to camera)Alright. Weve got some breakingnews from Washington.Kathie Lee slaps Hoda in the face.KATHIE LEEStop talking so much! My contractsays I get to talk 80% of the time,and I get five man-slaves.Zoom out to reveal that Kathie Lee is holding fives leashesthat are around the necks of five half naked WHITE MALESLAVE.HODASlavery is illegal.KATHIE LEEOnly if your slaves are black. Allof my slaves are white, and halfnaked.HODAWhat about DeAndre? Hes black andhalf naked.KATHIE LEEHes my intern.HODA(to camera)Anyways, heres the breaking news.Apparently, a group of aliens havelanded in Washington DC.KATHIE LEE(yells out)DeAndre! Where the hell is mycoffee!The camera reveals Kathie Lee holding a leash around theneck of DEANDRE (25, black, half naked).DEANDREIts almost ready, Mrs. Gifford.2.KATHIE LEEAnd wheres my PCP?DEANDREYou already smoked it, Mrs.Gifford.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYPRESIDENT JOE (45) is sitting at his desk. He pulls somescotch tape out of its holder, and tapes it to his nose. HisChief of Staff HARRY (45) walks in.HARRYPresident Joe. The aliens areoutside the White House, and theirleader wants to talk to you.PRESIDENT JOEAgain? What does he want this time?HARRYActually, this is the first timealiens have made contact with humanbeings.PRESIDENT JOEThats not true. My stepmother isan alien.HARRYUm. I think youre confusing yourlife with a dumb 1980s movie calledMy Stepmother is an Alien.PRESIDENT JOEThats weird. I usually confuse mylife with the movie Police Academy.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON is sitting on the other side of theroom.PRESIDENT JOEUh. Neil Degrasse Tyson. You know alot about science. What do youthink the aliens want?NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONWell.(takes out a calculator andbegins pressing buttons on it)Based on my calculations, Id saytheyre here for Spring Break.3.PRESIDENT JOEIts summer.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONIn southern Neptune, its spring.And this is Spring Break time,being that a Neptunian year is 165earth years--and the Neptunianslast came here for Spring Break inJuly of 1851, when they arrived inCancun and consumed 127,000 gallonsof tequila.PRESIDENT JOEYeah. I guess so.(to Harry)What do you think, Harry?HARRYI think Neil Degrasse Tyson isdrunk on tequila again.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON(to President Joe)He makes a good point. I totallyforgot to factor my drunkennessinto my calculations.(presses buttons on hiscalculator)Fascinating. It says here that 123,456, 789.HENRY WINKLER enters.HENRY WINKLERSorry Im late, guys. What did Imiss?PRESIDENT JOEWell. Aliens landed in Washington,and their leader wants to have ameeting with us.HENRY WINKLERAliens?! Fantastic! Were gonna bethe first interplanetaryadministration since GroverCleveland was in office. Or maybewell be the first interplanetaryadministration ever, since Impretty sure Grover Cleveland didntmake contact with aliens.(Cut to later)4.An ALIEN (BOB ALIENINSKY) enters.PRESIDENT JOEHello. Welcome to earth. ImPresident Joe. Joe Smith.ALIENI am Bob Alieninsky.PRESIDENT JOENice to meet you.(referring to Harry)Youve already met my Chief ofStaff, Harry Red-Mountain. By theway--hes my Chief of Staff, andhes Native American--but hes nota Native American chief.ALIENOK.PRESIDENT JOE(introduces Henry Winkler)And this is my Vice President,Henry Winkler.HENRY WINKLER(to Alien)Greetings and salutations!ALIEN(to Henry Winkler)Arent you the guy from Happy Days?HENRY WINKLERYes!(imitates Fonzie)"Ey!" You watch Happy Days on yourplanet?ALIENYeah. On my planet, channel 1 showsHappy Days once a week. Andchannels 2 through 3,546,000 showTwo and a Half Men nonstop.HENRY WINKLERThats really weird. Around here,theres no such thing as channel 1.ALIENWell. Im a huge fan of yours, Mr.Winkler. Ive seen two episodes of(MORE)5.ALIEN (contd)Happy Days. And Ive seen everyepisode of Two and a Half Men tentimes.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONIve seen every episode ofNeptunian Seinfeld twenty times.PRESIDENT JOE(to Alien)And that gentleman over there is mySecretary of Education, NeilDegrasse Tyson. So, uh--what bringsyou to earth, Bobby?ALIENBob. On my planet, there are noname variations. if youre Bob,youre Bob. Thats it. Bob. NoBobby.PRESIDENT JOEOh. OK, Bob. So what brings youhere, asshole?ALIENWe want land.PRESIDENT JOEWait a second. Are you trying totake over this planet?ALIENNo. Just Detroit.PRESIDENT JOEGreat. You can have it. Well throwin Cleveland, too.ALIENWe just want Detroit.PRESIDENT JOEOK. Just attach Detroit to yourspaceship, and take it your planet.ALIENWell. Were gonna hang out inDetroit on earth. Our planetdoesnt have room for Detroit.6.HARRYBy the way--what planet are youfrom?ALIENIm from Shimmy Shimmy.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON(begins singing the song"Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop")Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop / ShimmyShimmy Bop / Shimmy ShimmyKo-Ko-Bop / Shimmy Shimmy BopHARRY(to Alien)Um. Where exactly is Shimmy Shimmy?ALIENWell. You get on the 405 Freeway,go south for 15 miles, and then goup in the sky for 173.5 millionmiles.PRESIDENT JOELet me write that down.He takes out his iPhone.ALIENIs that an iPhone 7?PRESIDENT JOEYeah.ALIENWhat are you--a fag or something?On Shimmy Shimmy, everyone has atleast an iPhone 953.PRESIDENT JOEYou shouldnt say "fag." Thatsoffensive.ALIENOffensive? What are you--a fag orsomething?HARRYUh. What does the word "fag" meanon your planet?7.ALIENIt means someone who uses outdatediPhones, or someone who finds theword "fag" offensive.HENRY WINKLERAnd what does the word"Worcestershire" mean on yourplanet?INT. WHITE HOUSE PRES ROOM - DAYPresident Joe is addressing the camera. Various MEDIAMEMBERS are in attendance.PRESIDENT JOEEarlier today, I had a little chatwith an alien. Bob Something. Andwe talked about some stuff. And,uh, hes kind of a douchebag. So,uh, that pretty much wraps it up.You guys can change the channelnow. Oh. One more thing. I gave thealiens Detroit--so if thats whereyou live, youre gonna have tomove.President Joes cell phone rings.PRESIDENT JOE(into phone)Hello?The caller is MAYOR WAYANS (50, black).MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)Mr. President. Its Ed Wayans.PRESIDENT JOEAwesome. I love Scary Movie.MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)Im not a Wayans brother. Im theMayor of Detroit.PRESIDENT JOEOK. What do you want?MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)I want you to not give Detroit tothe aliens.8.PRESIDENT JOEI already gave it to them. I canttake it back. I mean, I wouldntwant to be a white man giver.MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)Dont you mean an Indian giver?PRESIDENT JOENo. I use white substitutes forracist terms. Indian giver, whiteman giver; Washington Redskins,Washington Rednecks; blackjack,crackerjack; tar baby, marshmallowbaby.MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)The point is, when the aliens gethere, theyre not gonna want me tobe their Mayor.PRESIDENT JOEWell. You can still be the leaderof all the people who voted foryou. But not in Detroit. Just leadthem somewhere else.MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)Lead them somewhere else? What do Ilook like--Moses?INT. NEWS ROOM - DAYA local news program starring STAN (40)STANAnd in other news, one millionaliens moved into Detroit, afterPresident Joe gave them thecity. And here to analyze thesituation is our analyzing guy, JimSedowitz.JIM (40) appears on screen.STANJim--how much will the Detroitgiveaway affect the Presidentschances of being reelected inNovember?9.JIMWell--not that much, consideringhow theres no election this year,and the President is in his secondterm. By the way--thats the 15thdumbest question youve asked methis month, right behind, "Whatpercentage of Secret Servicemen areninjas?"INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYPresident Joe is seated at his desk. Harry enters.HARRYThere are some people at the frontdoor who want to see you.PRESIDENT JOEWho?HARRYDetroit.PRESIDENT JOEWhat do you mean Detroit?HARRYI mean the 700,000 people who usedto live in Detroit.Neil DeGrasse Tyson is sitting in the same chair frombefore.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONDid you know that from 1805 to1857, Detroit was the capital ofMichigan? And in 2008, Saturn wasnamed People Magazines SexiestPlanet Alive. I think if the properspace shuttle technology develops,Im gonna try to become the firstman to have intercourse withSaturn.EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAYThe President opens the door, and sees a countless number ofPEOPLE from Detroit standing there, including Mayor Wayans.10.PRESIDENT JOEUm. Hi.MAYOR WAYANSWell, President Joe. Here we are.PRESIDENT JOE... Do I know you?MAYOR WAYANSIm Ed Wayans.PRESIDENT JOEOh. Awesome. I love Scary Movie.MAYOR WAYANSDamn it! Im not a Wayans brother.Im the Mayor of Detroit.PRESIDENT JOEWell, what are you doing here?MAYOR WAYANSWe made an exodus out of Detroit.And this is our new land.EXT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYHundreds of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue on theWhite House front lawn.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYPresident Joe is seated at his desk, while 100 PEOPLE FROMDETROIT are hanging out in various parts of the room. ThePresident gets up, squeezes dis way through all of thepeople and opens the door to the oval office bathroom.INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYHe sees some more PEOPLE FROM DETROIT hanging out in thebathroom.PRESIDENT JOEUh. Can I have a moment alone?MANWhatever. By the way, you betterlower taxes. I paid 10% tax onthese socks.11.He reveals a pair of tweed socks hes wearing.MANAnd 10% tax on this ferret I shovedup my ass.He turns around and is about to pull down his pants.PRESIDENT JOEYou dont have to show me theferret.(to Everyone)Now everyone--please get out.They all exit the bathroom. The President closes the doorand calls someone.PRESIDENT JOE(into phone)Harry. I need to see you in theOval Office bathroom.INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYPresident Joe is talking to Harry.PRESIDENT JOEWe gotta get Detroit out of theWhite House. I cant keep havingmeetings in my bathroom. On theplus side, its nice having mymedicine cabinet nearby.He opens the medicine cabinet, takes out a bag of cocaine,dips his finger in, and snorts some cocaine off of hisfinger.HARRYMr. President. Cocaine is notmedicine.PRESIDENT JOEWhatever. Anyways, I have a goodidea. You know how America has alot lot of bullshit states?HARRYBullshit states?PRESIDENT JOEYou know. Those states we fly over,that have, like, lots of space, and(MORE)12.PRESIDENT JOE (contd)not that many people. How about wetake some of that space, and turnit into a city called New Detroit?Yeah. Well put that city in Iowa.Fuck Iowa.HARRY... Im from Iowa.PRESIDENT JOEExactly. So you know what abullshit state it is.EXT. WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAYA bunch of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue.President Joe and Henry Winkler are talking to MAN 2 (30,black).PRESIDENT JOESo. They tell me youre the guy whobrought Detroit over here.MAN 2Yeah. The Mayor was all like,"Lets all move to Flint." And Iwas all like, "Do I look like FredFlintstone to you? We aint goingto no damn Flint. Lets head ondown to DC, and live in the WhiteCastle."PRESIDENT JOEThis is the White House.MAN 2If this is a house and not acastle, then how come you got adungeon downstairs?PRESIDENT JOEThats not a dungeon. Thats just abasement prison where we put RalphNader, and Ross Perot, and theother third party candidates.HENRY WINKLERI go down there every Wednesday andplay mahjong with Eugene V. Debs.13.MAN 2What the hell is mahjong?PRESIDENT JOEIts like dominoes, except forwhite people.MAN 2Who the hell is Eugene V. Debs?PRESIDENT JOEHes like Malcolm X, except forwhite people. Anyways, um, Imgonna give you guys your own cityto live in.MAN 2What city?PRESIDENT JOEIm talking about New Detroit,Iowa.MAN 2Iowa?! Do I look like a corn huskerto you? We aint going to nobullshit state like Iowa. FuckIowa. Detroit is either staying inthe White Castle, or its goingback to Detroit, Michigan.PRESIDENT JOEI cant give you Detroit,Michigan--unless I get the aliensto move out of there.HENRY WINKLERI have an even better idea. Letshave a pool party. Im gonna go puton my swimming trunks.INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYPresident Joe is talking to the alien.PRESIDENT JOEThanks for coming in. How did youget here so quickly?ALIENI used a teletransportation device.Do you want me to show you how tobuild one?14.PRESIDENT JOENo.ALIENBy the way--why are we having ameeting in your bathroom?PRESIDENT JOEUm. I wanted to show you my newplunger.ALIENWhat the hell is a plunger?He holds up a plunger.PRESIDENT JOEOne of these.ALIENOh. On my planet, we call that acheese grater.PRESIDENT JOEYou use these things to gratecheese?ALIENNo, dumbass. We use them to unclogtoilets. So, what did you want totalk to me about?PRESIDENT JOEWell. Im gonna upgrade you guysfrom Detroit, to a first class cityin Iowa.ALIENThe corn state?PRESIDENT JOEIts not just a corn state. Asidefrom corn, Iowa has, um, youknow, pants, and ceilings, andpinball machines. And unlikeDetroit, Iowa doesnt smell likepiss. So, were gonna give you acity there.ALIENYou know, on my planet we have asaying. "Orbity yo shorbity,hominuh hominuh Steve Urkel StefanUr-kel."15.PRESIDENT JOEWhat does that mean?ALIENIt means, "Fuck Iowa."INT. US CAPITOL BUILDING - DAYCongress is in session. Some of the people present includePresident Joe, Henry Winkler, SENATOR LOPEZ (45) and SENATORSMITH (65).SENATOR SMITHOK. US Congress, session 15,467.Um. I was thinking that maybe weshould raise taxes. You know.Cause we need more money.HENRY WINKLERI have a better idea. How about wehave a bake sale?!PRESIDENT JOEGuys. I dont mean to interrupt allof this economy stuff, but I justwanted to let you know that weredeclaring war on the aliens.SENATOR SMITHWhy?PRESIDENT JOE... Because, you know. They suck.SENATOR LOPEZI like the aliens. The other day, Ihad a nice chat with PresidentAlieninsky. You know what? Maybeyoure the one who sucks, PresidentJoe.PRESIDENT JOEMaybe I should kick your ass,Senator Lopez.SENATOR LOPEZMaybe we should impeach your ass.(to Senator Smith)How does the whole impeachmentthing work again?16.SENATOR SMITHWell. If the majority of the Housevotes yes, and two thirds of theSenate votes yes, then we all grabshanks and kill the President righthere, live on C-SPAN.SENATOR LOPEZAlright. Lets do it. House ofRepresentatives--how many of youwant to get rid of President Joe?About half of the CONGRESSMEN raise their hands. SenatorLopez quickly counts their votes.SENATOR LOPEZ219 to 213. Senate. How many of youwant to get rid of President Joe?About half of the SENATORS raise their hands.SENATOR LOPEZ55 to 45.SENATOR SMITHThats not two thirds. But we didget eleven twentieths--and thatgives us the right to tar andfeather the President. This will bethe first Presidential tar andfeathering since Andrew Johnson in1868.SENATOR LOPEZWhat about Jimmy Carter in 1979?SENATOR SMITHWell. That tar and feathering tookplace at a Taco Bell, and hadnothing to do with a Congressionalimpeachment process.INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYPresident Joe is tarred and feathered, and talking to Harry.PRESIDENT JOEHow are we gonna get the aliens outof Detroit?17.HARRYWell. Lets see. What do we reallyknow about the aliens?PRESIDENT JOEUm. We know that theyre not fromearth. We know that theyre fromanother planet. We know thattheyre extra-terrestrials. And weknow that theyre aliens.HARRYOK. You just said the same obviousfact in four different ways.PRESIDENT JOEWell how am I supposed to knowanything about the aliens? I mean,its not like I hang out with them.But Senator Lopez--he does hang outwith them. Lets see what that sonof a bitch knows.INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYPresident Joe is having a meeting with Senator Lopez andHarry.PRESIDENT JOE(to Senator Lopez)So what do you know about thealiens?Henry Winkler enters.HENRY WINKLERWhat up, homeys? Whats cracking inthe DC?PRESIDENT JOEWhy are you talking like that?HENRY WINKLEROh. Its just something I picked upfrom all these former Detroitresidents. So, what are you guystalking about? Let me guess. TheSecretary of State and her big olbooty.Neil DeGrasse Tyson enters.18.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONGolly. There sure are a lot ofAfrican Americans living in theWhite House. I havent seen thismany African Americans in onehouse, since I starred in the movieHouse Party 2.HENRY WINKLERTrue dat, homey.PRESIDENT JOE(to Neil DeGrasse Tyson)I love House Party 2. Were you thelight skinned African American guywith the flat top haircut?NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONNo. I was the light skinned AfricanAmerican guy with the Jherri curls.Did you know that the Jherri curlhairstyle is named after the Jherricurl constellation--which islocated between the Big Dipper andDr. Js Afro.HARRYMr. President. We were talkingabout the aliens--remember?PRESIDENT JOERight.(to Senator Lopez)What do you know about the aliens?SENATOR LOPEZWell. Lets see. I know thattheyre not from earth. I know thattheyre from another planet. I knowthat theyre extra-terrestrials.And I know that theyre aliens.PRESIDENT JOEYou just said the same obvious factin four different ways, youjackass. I need to know what thealien leader said to you.SENATOR LOPEZWell. He told me something abouthow they call a toilet plunger acheese grater. Oh. He also told methe aliens four favorite things(MORE)19.SENATOR LOPEZ (contd)about earth. Number four: Detroit.Number three: Charlie Sheen. Numbertwo: Two and a Half Men. And numberone: Charlie Sheen on Two and aHalf Men.INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYPresident Joe is having a meeting with the Alien.ALIENWhat do you want this time?PRESIDENT JOETheres someone I want you to meet.ALIENWho? You?PRESIDENT JOENo.CHARLIE SHEEN walks into the bathroom.ALIENCharlie Sheen!CHARLIE SHEENWhats going on, bro?ALIENMr. Sheen--Im a huge fan of yours.CHARLIE SHEENMr. Sheen is my father. Please.Call me Sir Carlos Estevez theFourth.ALIENOK, Sir Carlos Estevez the Fourth.Let me ask you something. Have youever seen Two and a Half Men?CHARLIE SHEENUh. Yeah. Im in it.ALIENIts good--isnt it?20.CHARLIE SHEENUh. Yeah. But you know whats notso good?ALIENWhat?CHARLIE SHEENDetroit.ALIENDetroits not so good?CHARLIE SHEENIt sucks.ALIENDetroit sucks?CHARLIE SHEENDetroit sucks. And all women aregold diggers.ALIENOh. Well. I guess Detroit doessuck. After all--youre Sir CarlosEstevez the Fourth.CHARLIE SHEENClose. Im Doctor Sir CarlosEstevez the Fourth. And dontforget the part about how women aregold diggers.(sniffs)I smell cocaine.PRESIDENT JOEI have some in my medicine cabinet.INT. TV SHOW SET - DAYKathie Lee and Hoda are hosting The Today Show.HODA(to camera)And in other news, all one millionaliens are boarding a spaceship,and theyre taking Jon Cryer andDoctor Sir Carlos Estevez theFourth with them.21.KATHIE LEEWho cares?! DeAndre! Wheres myheroin?!INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAYPresident Joe is having a meeting with Harry.PRESIDENT JOEAlright. The aliens have leftDetroit, and theyre on their wayback to Shimmy Shimmy. And theDetroitians have left my house, andtheyre on their way back toDetroit.HARRYRight. So why are we still havingmeetings in your bathroom?INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYPresident Joe is seated at his desk, and Harry is seatedacross from him.PRESIDENT JOEAlright. The aliens have leftDetroit, and theyre on their wayback to Shimmy Shimmy. And theDetroitians have left my house, andtheyre on their way back toDetroit.The camera reveals a worker installing a urinal in the ovaloffice.HARRYOK. And why is someone installing aurinal in here?PRESIDENT JOEThat way, I can get more work done.I wont have to walk to thebathroom every time I take a piss.Or, like, letss say I have thePresident of England in here, andhe has to take a piss. He can justdo it here while we discuss NAFTAor whatever.22.HARRYEngland doesnt have a President.PRESIDENT JOENo wonder its such a bullshitcountry.Neil Degrasse Tyson is seated in his usual place, andpushing buttons on a calculator.NEIL DEGRASSE TYSONGuys. I made some additionalcalculations--and it turns out thatthe aliens from Neptune went toVenus for Spring Break.(grabs a telescope and uses itto look at a wall)Yeah. I can see them. Man--theysure can drink a lot of tequila.(sings)Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop / ShimmyShimmy Bop / Shimmy ShimmyKo-Ko-Bop / Shimmy Shimmy Bop