Promoting Resiliency by Managing Stress,

Competitiveness, and Perfectionism

Kristina Groce, M.A.

Amanda Slonaker, M.A.

Mary Skokut, M.Ed.

March 31, 2009

Introduction

• Resiliency = Good outcomes in the face of adversity or challenges (Masten, 2001)

• Gifted students and unique challenges

• How can parents promote resiliency with their gifted children?

Presentation Outline

I. Managing Stress

II. Managing Competitiveness

III. Managing Perfectionism

IV. Questions/comments

Managing Stress

Stress

The body’s general response to any intense physical, emotional, or mental demand placed on it by oneself or others (Kaplan, 2005)

Eustress versus Distress

Eustress (Positive Stress)• Motivates and focuses energy • Helps achieve goals and reach potential

Distress (Negative Stress)• Feels unpleasant • Can lead to anxiety• Can decrease performance • Can lead to physical or emotional problems

Stress in gifted children

• Busy schedules• Feeling “different”• High expectations (from self or others)• Perfectionism• Competitiveness• Underachievement• Lack of challenge• Other examples???

What can parents do?

• Provide information on coping strategies• Encourage your child to express her/his feelings• Listen• Validate/acknowledge child’s feelings• Be available for guidance• Model acceptance and encouragement• Help your child be a “whole person”• Be patient• Model how to deal with stress

Coping Strategies for Stress Management

• Regular exercise• Healthy nutrition• Adequate rest• Take time out for enjoyable activities• Learn skills that make tasks easier / more successful• Be a problem-solver• Shifting perspective• Be optimistic…

Optimism: A tool to manage and prevent stress

• What is optimism?

• Thoughts???

• The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience – authored by Dr. Martin Seligman (1995)

Optimism is NOT…

• Just hoping that everything will be okay

• Ignoring reality• Just telling yourself positive

thoughts• Wishful thinking

Optimism involves…

• Flexible and reality-based thought process

• Optimistic explanatory style

• Telling yourself something that is equally true, but nicer

• Opposite of pessimism

• Opposite of catastrophizing

ABCs of Optimism

A(adversity)

B(belief or thought)

C(consequence or

feeling)

Teaching Optimism

1) Apply concepts to your own life

2) Model and teach concepts to children

Skills to learn optimism:

• Catch automatic thoughts

• Evaluate thoughts

• Generate alternatives

• Decatastrophize

Evaluating Thoughts

Example: Lynn is a mother of three and works full-time in marketing. She was recently put in charge of a new project at work that is a great opportunity but carries a lot of responsibility and has required her to work long hours. Lynn’s oldest son, Jamie, is acting in a high school play for the first time and has expressed both his excitement and nerves in conversations with his mother. Today the cast and crew will put on their first dress-rehearsal to a group of students during school hours. Jamie is nervous and does not say much during breakfast. Lynn does not notice and is preoccupied with thoughts of an important work meeting, not to mention that Jamie’s younger sisters have started a cereal war at the breakfast table. On his way out the door, Jamie says to Lynn, “Thanks for remembering the dress rehearsal, Mom.”

Lynn feels horrible and thinks to herself, “I can’t believe I forgot! I am a horrible mother, and Jamie is going to think he can’t count on me now.”

Explanatory Style

Pessimistic Explanatory Style

Permanent

Pervasive

Personal

“Things at school never go right for me.”

“No one is ever going to hire me.”

“I must be an unlovable person.”

Optimistic Explanatory Style

Temporary

Specific

Impersonal

“Things at school are bad right now.”

“This particular person didn’t hire me.”

“My friend is probably busy or forgot to call me back.”

More practice…Johnny

A) Hit in head by a ball during recess.

B) ???

C) Feels very sad, avoids children during rest of recess.

A) Hit in head by a ball during recess.

B) ???

C) Rubs head and frowns, then resumes playing with friends.

Joanna

A) Looses game for third time while playing a friend.

B) ???

C) Feels very frustrated; down on self.

A) Looses game for third time while playing a friend.

B) ???

C) Laughs and says, “Let’s play something else!”

Joe

A) High school student gets a D on Economics test.

B) ???

C) Feels very irritable, decreased energy, avoids schoolwork for that class.

A) High school junior gets a D on a test.

B) ???

C) Feels motivated to seek out help and study more.

Managing Competitiveness

What is competitiveness?

• Contest

• Opposition

• Process of trying to beat others

• Rivalry

Examples of Competitiveness

• Has your child experienced competition?

• What are some examples of competition or competitiveness your child has experienced?

Competition

• Negative

• Positive

Emerging Reaction Patterns to Competition

• The honest competitor• The ambivalent competitor• The personal best

Which type is your student?

Benefits of Competition• Teaches students they may

struggle or fail at first but achieve their goal eventually

• Helps students to persevere when faced with obstacles

• Increases their resilience, or ability to recover from setbacks

• Helps students learn to win with grace and humility

• Prepares students for future competition as they enter their careers

• Inspires students to strive for excellence

Can competition be hurtful?

• Sometimes, if taken to extremes.

Things to take into consideration:

– Delay exposure of competition to young children, especially if they are very sensitive

– Address competition when it arises

Strategies to help your child deal with competitiveness

• Talk to your child

• Practice appropriate behaviors

• Praise effort rather than performance

• Read optimistic stories with resilient characters

• Brainstorm ways to help your child cope when she/he encounters an upsetting situation

Strategies to help your child deal with competitiveness (continued)

• Use competition as less of a motivator and more for a tool of personal improvement

• Help children to manage stressful situations

• Help children to build supportive social networks

ManagingPerfectionism

What is perfectionism?

• Is perfectionism the same thing as striving for excellence?

• A combination of thoughts and behaviors generally associated with high standards or expectations for one’s performance.– A potent force capable of causing either

intense frustration or intense satisfaction, depending on how it is channeled.

Who experiences perfectionism?

• Up to 90% of gifted students may experience some degree of perfectionism

• Girls are more likely than boys

• Perfectionism tends to increase with age

• Late childhood and early adolescence is the prime period for development of the perfectionistic mindset

What does a perfectionist think?

• “If I can’t do it perfectly, what’s the point?”

• “I should excel at everything I do.”

• “Things should be done right the first time.”

• “I’m a wonderful person if I do well; I’m a lousy person if I do poorly.”

• “I’m never good enough.”

• “If I goof up, something’s wrong with me.”

How does a perfectionist feel?

• Deeply embarrassed about making mistakes

• Extremely worried about details

• Fearful or anxious

• Ashamed of having fears

• Anxious when stating opinion to others

• Guilty about letting others down

How does a perfectionist act?

• Tend to overcommit self

• Arrive late because one more thing has to be done

• Has difficulty making choices

• Gets carried away with detail

• Pays more attention to negative rather than positive comments

• Never seems satisfied with own work

The Continuum of Perfectionism

Unhealthy

Healthy

Healthy Perfectionists

• Derive a real sense of pleasure from diligent and meticulous effort

• Feel free to be less precise as the situation permits

• Have high standards for performance• Strive for excellence• Try to maximize own potential without

being concerned with own standing relative to others

Unhealthy Perfectionists

• Derive little pleasure or satisfaction from their work

• Strain toward impossible goals• Try to do everything equally well• Avoid situations that might result in failure• Compare own performance to that of others• Measure their worth in terms of

accomplishments• Believe they are never good enough

What does an unhealthy perfectionist look like?

• Spends excessive time on assignments

• Repeatedly starts over

• Refuses to turn in completed assignments

• Has little tolerance for mistakes and becomes overemotional about minor errors

• Impatient with others’ imperfections

• Procrastination and work avoidance

Negative Outcomes of Unhealthy Perfectionism Can

Include:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Panic Disorder

• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

• Eating disorder

• Migraine headaches

What do I do if my child/student demonstrates an

unhealthy amount of perfectionism?

Counseling may be necessary if a child experiences:

• Social isolation

• Alienation within the family

• Inability to control anger

• Depression or continual boredom

• Chronic underachievement

How to Help with Schoolwork:

• Break large assignments into smaller pieces

• Set a timer to give the student a beginning and ending time

• Reward effort, not outcome • Expect progress, not perfection• Make mistakes okay• Remind student of strengths and

successes rather than “What I did wrong.” Refrain from criticism.

Tips to Provide to the Student:

• Remember that there is always another time.• Strive for your personal best, not “THE BEST”• Be willing to laugh at yourself• Accept yourself• Catch yourself trying to be perfect• Get comfortable with feedback• Say what you feel• Quit making up the rules

Statements to Reduce Unhealthy Perfectionism

Instead of saying… Try saying…

1. What happened here? 1. How do you feel about your report card?

2. Go look it up. 2. Let’s find it together.

3. Are you still working on that?

3. Keep trying. Don’t give up.

4. You still can’t… 4. You do a good job of…

Conclusions

• Talk with and listen to your children

• Model appropriate coping strategies

• Praise effort, rather than performance

• Remember that stress, competitiveness, & perfectionism can be channeled in positive ways.