Parents’ guide to caring for children after separation

Putting your children first

Parenting Through SeparationProgramme Information

Where to go for helpIf you or your children are worried about a violent or abusive person then contact:• Police by calling 111

• Women’s Refuge Crisis Line by calling 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843)

• Child, Youth and Family by calling 0508 FAMILY (0508 326 459).

For information about:• reaching agreement about caring for your children without going to court

• how you can access the Family Court if you need to:

– visit justice.govt.nz/family-justice

– call the Ministry of Justice helpline 0800 2 AGREE (0800 224 733)

– visit a Family Court.

How to contact your nearest Family CourtYour local Family Court is listed at justice.govt.nz/family-justice or in the Blue Pages of the phone book under Justice Ministry — District Court. Just ask to speak to the Family Court coordinator.

Parenting Through Separation and Family Dispute Resolution providersParenting Through Separation is a free information programme to help people involved in a separation. To find local providers for Parenting Through Separation or the Family Dispute Resolution mediation service:

• visit justice.govt.nz/family-justice

• call 0800 2 AGREE (0800 224 733)

• visit your local Family Court.

Counselling and supportRelationships Aotearoawww.relationshipsaotearoa.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0800 RELATE (0800 735 283)

Skylightwww.skylight.org.nz Counselling and support for children of all age groups, weekdays 9am–5pm. FREEPHONE: 0800 299 100

Barnardoswww.barnardos.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0800 BARNARDOS (0800 227 627)

Lifeline Aotearoawww.lifeline.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0800 543 354Available 24 hours, 7 days a week. Includes Chinese Lifeline for Mandarin and Cantonese speakers 0800 888 880.

Family WorksProvided by Presbyterian Support Services.Parenting and domestic violence programmes; family and child counselling.www.familyworks.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0508 TO HELP (0508 864 357)

Māori Women’s Welfare LeagueWhānau Toko I Te Ora parenting programme for under five-year-olds. Branches throughout New Zealand.Email: mwwl@mwwl.org.nz or phone 04 473 6451

Domestic violenceWomen’s Refugewww.womensrefuge.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843)

ShineNational domestic abuse information and support helpline. Daily 9am–11pmwww.2shine.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0508 744 633

National Network of Stopping Violence ServicesViolence and abuse prevention programmes; and support and education programmes.www.nnsvs.org.nz

Helplines for young peopleWhat’s Up (Barnardos)FREEPHONE: 0800 WHATS UP (0800 942 8787)For children up to 18 years of age. Available 1pm–11pm daily. Kids and teenagers can talk with professional counsellors.

Kidsline (Lifeline Aotearoa)www.kidsline.org.nzFREEPHONE: 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754)For children up to 14 years of age. Daily after school 4pm–6pmKids can talk with teenage volunteers, who are supervised by adults.

YouthlineConfidential youth help and information. For intermediate aged kids and older. www.youthline.co.nz FREEPHONE: 0800 376 633Free txt: 234

InformationFamily Services DirectoryComprehensive listing of organisations that can help. Search in your region for the service you need.www.familyservices.govt.nz

Citizens Advice Bureau Offices throughout New Zealand.www.cab.org.nz FREEPHONE: 0800 FOR CAB (0800 367 222)

Community Law CentresFree legal advice and information. There are 24 centres throughout New Zealand and many outreach clinics.www.communitylaw.org.nz

Finding helpful books and websitesAsk at your local library or a Parenting Through Separation provider about books and websites that might help you or your children. Two helpful websites are:www.resolution.org.ukwww.familyrelationships.gov.au/BrochuresandPublications/Pages/ChildrenAndSeparationBooklet.aspx

Contents

It’s about the children 1

First things first – your children 2

Understanding your feelings and some ideas to help 4

Help from family/whānau and friends 6

Talking with your children and each other 7

Planning your children’s living arrangements 10

How can I help make the arrangements work well for the children? 13

What to do if we can’t agree 15

Moving away 19

New partners 20

Some common myths and realities 21

Parents’ guide to caring for children after separation

Separating can be a stressful time. When children are involved, you need to set aside your relationship issues and work out how they will be cared for. This booklet will help. It includes lots of useful information and tips.

You can also find more information on reaching agreements about your children after separation at justice.govt.nz/family-justice

Sorting out your own parenting arrangements is usually better for you and your children. This is what most people do, and it can be quicker and less stressful for everyone than having to go to court.

If you are able to agree on care arrangements and you’re both happy with what you have agreed, then you don’t have to do anything else (unless you want the court to 'formalise' your agreement).

If you need help to reach agreement, new mediation services have been set up to help you.

The free Parenting Through Separation course may also be very useful in helping you think of, and manage your children's needs.

1

It’s about the children

While your relationship with your ex-partner may be changing, you’re always going to be a parent. Your children still need both of you. When you separate, there are lots of issues to sort out. The most important are how you will:

• care for your children

• both be involved in your children’s lives.

Your children need you to put them first. Putting children first is also required by the law. The Care of Children Act 2004 states: ‘The welfare and best interests of the child must be the first and paramount consideration’.

The law makes this clear because it’s what your children need.

What is best for your children?

Your children need both of you in their lives, regardless of the issues in your relationship. They need to be kept safe and to be cared for. They also need their family and whānau. Having grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and friends in their life is important.

Making sure children maintain relationships with both their parents and their family/whānau is important for their:

• self esteem and mana

• ability to adjust to your separation

• emotional development

• family relationships and whānaungatanga

• ability to deal with difficult times.

Children are not able to see the situation in an adult way. They view the world from their own perspective because they don’t have the experience to see the bigger picture. This may sometimes seem hurtful and unfair but you need to understand it.

2

First things first – your children

What do we have to do first?

As soon as you stop living together, you need to have a plan in place so that your children are cared for and keep seeing both of you.

Make this plan your first priority.

Keep caring for your children separate from the other things. Things like how you deal with dividing up relationship property. You will need to sort those things out later.

Agree on an initial plan for where your children will live and how they will see both of you. If your children are old enough, make sure they agree with this plan too. A longer term plan can be worked out later.

Reaching agreement

The best decisions for your children are where:

• you both co-operate with each other

• you and your children (when they are old enough to tell you what they think) work together to sort out how you will care for them in the future

• you reach agreement without fighting and arguing

• you encourage your children to talk about their feelings and be involved in the plans – this will help them adapt to their new lives

• you both stick to what you agree but stay flexible and co-operate if something needs to be changed for your children’s sake

• there are as few changes as possible to other parts of your children’s lives.

If your ex-partner wants a plan you don’t like:

• remember it is important that children keep seeing their other parent, if possible

• keep encouraging your ex-partner to put the children’s needs and interests first

• remember time not seeing one parent seems much longer for children, especially for children aged six or younger

• remember even a short time without contact can be hard for children.

3

Violence and emergency situations

What if there is violence or abuse towards me or my child, or if one parent has a drug or alcohol dependency?

Your child’s safety and your own safety come first.

You do not have to let anyone have contact with your child if that puts you or your child at risk. Family violence and abuse have a huge impact on children – don’t put them at risk. Get help now.

Contact the Police by calling 111, Women’s Refuge Crisis Line 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843) or Child, Youth and Family by calling 0508 FAMILY (0508 326 459).

To find out about Protection Orders see a lawyer. You can find a family lawyer at: www.familylaw.org.nz

How can supervised contact help?

Supervised contact can be arranged by the Family Court so your children can have safe contact with their other parent. It may even be paid for by the court.

It can also be used so you don’t have to see your ex-partner at changeover times.

Speak to your lawyer or the Family Court to find out more.

What if I think my child’s other parent is going to take our child overseas?

• The court can order that your child is not to leave New Zealand.

• Phone a lawyer urgently and talk about your options.

• If you don’t know who to see, phone the Ministry of Justice helpline 0800 2 AGREE (0800 224 733).

4

Understanding your feelings, and some ideas to help

What makes it all so hard?

After the separation you may be in a state of shock. It’s completely natural to have very strong feelings, and to find it difficult to be reasonable at first.

You might be feeling a mixture of things such as:

What happens if I let my feelings take over?

Things will get worse because you’re more likely to:

• be unreasonable and not think clearly about what’s best for your children

• try to get your children to take sides

• punish your ex-partner

• get revenge

• remove your ex-partner from your life and your children’s lives.

• hatred • regret • foolishness • fear for yourself • fear for your children • isolation • loneliness • blame • guilt • confusion • anger • worry about the future (including

money and housing)

• frustration • hopelessness • grief • shame • embarrassment • relief • jealousy • resentment • shock • disappointment • exhaustion (especially if you are now

looking after your children on your own)

• sadness.

5

How can I be more understanding about what’s best for the children?

• Accept your feelings towards your ex-partner.

• Stop blaming yourself and your ex-partner.

• Talk with your ex-partner. If it is difficult to do this, you can get help. Check out the list of support services you can contact at the front of this booklet.

• Take positive steps to help yourself cope.

Ideas for coping

• Organise support from friends and whānau.

• Tell friends and whānau what’s happening and what they can do to help; make sure you keep in touch.

• Ask for help to look after your children when you need a break.

• Take good care of your health, especially:

– eat well and get some exercise

– get as much sleep as you can.

• Remember it’s okay to cry.

• Try not to rely on drink or drugs – you will be able to deal better with what’s going on for you and your children without these things. Call the Alcohol Drug Helpline 0800 787 797 for help if you need it.

• Get professional support if you are not coping, which could be provided by:

– your health professional

– a school counsellor at your children’s school

– a professional counsellor (which you will have to pay for)

– social support agencies or parent groups in your area.

• Talk to other parents you know who have split up.

• Work at making friends if you move home and are living in a new area.

• Keep a diary – write about how you and your children feel. Over time, you will see how you feel stronger and that things have progressed.

• Be strong for your children. It helps if you focus on what you know will make your children happy.

6

Help from family/whanāu and friends

What can they do?

They can give lots of practical support by:

• offering to look after your children so you have time to look after yourself and sort things out

• letting you know how special your children are to the whole family/whānau

• helping your children have some quiet, relaxing time away from conflict

• being a ‘listening ear’ for you and your children.

If necessary, your family/whānau can take on some ongoing responsibilities for your children.

Sometimes the best place for children is with others, either for a short time (if parents need a break to sort out their own personal issues) or long term.

The Family Court can support family/whānau members becoming carers or kaitiaki by making Guardianship and Parenting Orders. Talk to a lawyer or the Family Court about how to arrange this.

7

Talking with your children and each other

How can I look after my children’s feelings?

When parents split up, children often:

• feel confused and insecure because they don’t understand what’s happening

• blame themselves

• cover up their emotions.

You might think your children are okay because you’re too busy just coping to notice what’s going on for them.

Remember:

• this is a time of major change for them as well as for you

• children don’t usually have the skills to understand when they need help

• each child has different needs.

Talking with your children is important – keep communication as open as you can.

• Find times for your children to be alone with you without distractions (car trips can be good).

• Ask them if they have questions about what’s happening.

• Ask them how they feel. Listen to your children. Show them you are listening.

Answer your children’s questions

Answer your children’s questions briefly and tell them honestly what’s happening, even if they seem too young to understand.

Don’t pass on ‘adult’ information or details of conflict between you and your ex-partner.

‘Often children want their parents to get back together. If you know this is not going to happen, tell your children then they can work through the changes instead of waiting and hoping that you’ll get back together.’ – Family counsellor

8

Reassure your children

Tell your children many times:

• it isn’t their fault that you’re splitting up

• you still love them even though you’ve split up

• splitting up is common.

Be affectionate – give your children lots of hugs.

Tell your children their feelings are okay

Let your children know you want to hear how they feel – but don’t pressure them.

Just listen – don’t feel you have to fix their feelings. It’s painful and you can’t change that. By listening, you can help them feel understood.

Tell your children it’s normal to have the kinds of feelings they’ve told you about, and if they say they’re worried, find out what’s on their mind and reassure them.

Practical ideas to help your children deal with their feelings

• Help your children notice when things are getting easier and there’s less conflict as time goes on.

• Help your children keep up their usual routines, especially contact with family/whānau and friends.

• Make sure people, such as your children’s teachers, know what’s going on at home.

• Plan something fun together to look forward to.

What if I’m worried about how my children are coping?

If you’re worried about how your children are reacting or you’re struggling to deal with their emotions and behaviour, talk to their school guidance counsellor, a health professional or a counsellor. (Contacts for organisations who can help you can be found at the front of this booklet.)

9

How can I talk with my ex-partner about the arrangements for our children?

It helps if you:

• don’t discuss arrangements where your children can hear you

• focus on supporting your children

• choose a good time and place for talking about plans, perhaps a telephone call after the children are asleep

• don’t blame your ex-partner

• put yourself in your children’s shoes and ask what’s really best for them

• get someone who won’t take sides to help you sort out arrangements – like a Family Dispute Resolution provider.

Family Dispute Resolution allows you and your ex-partner to work out arrangements for your children in a neutral environment with an independent mediator.

There is also a free information programme for parents called Parenting Through Separation.

We discuss Family Dispute Resolution and Parenting Through Separation on page 15. More details can be found at www.justice.govt.nz/family-justice

Communication tips

• Listen to your ex-partner without interrupting.

• Use words like – ‘I like it when …’ ‘I feel …’

• Don’t use blaming words like – ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’

• Your children will benefit if you can work things out without fighting.

‘The kids are grown up now – we’ve been separated for years but we’ve still always celebrated the kids’ birthdays and weddings together. The kids have said it’s been fantastic for them we’ve done it this way. We’re even friends now, really, but there are things we could never discuss.’

10

Planning your children’s living arrangements

How can I make sure our children have a say?

• Work as a team with your children to make the best possible arrangements for their future.

• Always ask for their views.

• Children older than 11 are especially likely to have views about the future.

• Don’t pressure your children to make choices.

Respect your children’s right to say nothing

• They may want to leave all the arrangements to you. Let them know this is OK.

• They might prefer to have their say through another family member.

• They might prefer to make their wishes known through a family counsellor or other skilled professional.

The decision-making process

If your children want to help decide, then:

• explain you can’t promise to do what they want

• make sure they have all the important information

• help them understand the options

• let them know they can ask you for guidance, then be honest and keep their best interests in mind.

11

Take your children’s views into account

If your children do tell you what they want:

• try to fit their wishes into the plans

• if this can’t be done, explain why.

What are the best arrangements for day-to-day care and contact?

Different arrangements will work for different families. When planning for the future:

• put your children’s interests first

• ask your children what they think

• talk to each child alone about what they want and need

• remember, your children need a strong relationship with both of you; try to have an arrangement that allows this to happen

• understand your children’s sense of time is different from your own. A child under six finds a week a long time.

Plan changeovers carefully. If they tend to create arguments or problems, ask friends to help by doing them at their house so you can avoid seeing your ex-partner.

Another way to do changeovers is to arrange to drop your child off at school or daycare and have your ex-partner pick them up afterwards.

Work out what’s practical and realistic for your family then write down the arrangements you have agreed on and stick to them.

Look at lots of options

There are many ways you can arrange for how you care for your children. There’s no right way. Just focus on what will let you and your ex-partner give your children the best care. Some of these options could include:

• children spending a week with each parent, with a meal and a night stay at the other parent’s home during the week (this can help break up the time for younger children)

• children spending half their time with each parent with a mid-week swap over at school

12

• teenagers deciding their own arrangements as they get older, as long as both parents know what is happening and are OK with everything

• one parent having day-to-day care during the week, and the children staying with the other parent every other weekend and for half of the school holidays

• parents living close to each other with the children moving between houses

• children staying in the family home and parents taking turns to stay there with the children (perhaps as a temporary arrangement).

What other things do we all need to plan?

You need to think about how you’ll mark special occasions, school holidays, birthdays, school, sports and other functions like major family/whānau get-togethers. Remember how important these events are for your children:

• listen to what your children want to do

• plan to make them great occasions for your children

• make sure you sort things out long before they happen and let everyone know, especially your children.

These times can be very hard for everyone, especially in the first year after separation, but they usually get easier as time goes by.

Where can I get help to draw up a parenting plan?

The easy-to-use Parenting Plans booklet contains lots of useful information about the things you need to consider when putting together your plan. It also steps you through how to put together a plan that works for your children.

Ask your local Family Court for a free copy of the booklet or visit www.justice.govt.nz/family-justice to download a copy.

13

How can I help make the arrangements work well for the children?

Getting on with your ex-partner

Do:

• stick to the arrangements for the sake of your children

• only make changes without your ex-partner’s agreement in an emergency. Also be understanding if your ex-partner has to do this. You may be in the same situation in the future

• make sure you tell your children yourself if you change arrangements with your ex-partner to suit yourself. Don’t leave it to your ex-partner to explain it to the children

• keep your ex-partner up to date with how to get hold of you in emergencies

• co-operate with your ex-partner and be fair

• be kind and supportive on issues around your children.

Don’t:

• keep fighting, especially in front of your children

• use your children as spies to find out about your ex-partner’s life

• ask your children to pass on messages to your ex-partner

• say unkind things about your ex-partner in front of the children.

Getting on with your children

Do:

• stick to the agreed arrangements, otherwise your children will be disappointed

• let your children know what the plans are

• make your children your first priority when it’s your turn to have them

14

• do the normal things parents do, like monitoring and supporting your children, and doing as much everyday stuff as possible

• have fun with your children, leave your work until later

• look for free, fun activities

• keep communication with your children open

• tell your children that you love them.

Don’t:

• ignore your children – if you have to, ask them to wait until you can give them your full attention

• force your children to take sides

• feel bad if you can’t afford to buy things your children ask for – your time and love is what they really want.

15

What to do if we can’t agree

How can we sort things out for the children if we can’t agree?

If you can’t reach agreement with your ex-partner there is support available to help you do this without going to court. Asking the Family Court to sort out care arrangements is the last resort, except in urgent or emergency situations.

In general, it’s better for your children if you can avoid the stress of court because it can involve conflict, expense and delays. However, there are times that you should apply directly to the Family Court, including:

• if you or your child are worried about family violence

• you believe that someone is going to take your child(ren) overseas without your permission.

If there is an immediate threat of violence call the Police (111) for help. To get further protection, or urgent help, from the courts get in touch with a lawyer. For help finding a family lawyer visit www.familylaw.org.nz

In most other cases, if you disagree on how you will care for the children, you won’t be able to go to the Family Court, unless you have already taken part in out of court programmes designed to help you reach agreement. These programmes are outlined below.

Parenting Through Separation

Parenting Through Separation is a free information programme about how to help your children adapt to separation. Parenting Through Separation is a four-hour course, usually delivered in two sessions of two hours. Your ex-partner will not attend the same course as you.

It has helped thousands of parents and their children, and includes loads of practical information and ideas, including a parenting plan template.

At Parenting Through Separation you will get a chance to meet and share ideas with other people in a similar situation.

Family Dispute Resolution

A Family Dispute Resolution provider is a neutral person who is trained to help you reach agreement about arrangements for your children.

16

The Family Dispute Resolution provider does not make a decision for you but will help you work out the issues and focus on the best outcome for your children.

Preparatory Counselling

The Family Dispute Resolution provider may arrange individual or joint counselling sessions if he or she thinks that would help you prepare for mediation to reach agreement.

A counsellor can help you understand and deal with the things that have stopped you reaching agreement.

Government funding

Government funding for Family Dispute Resolution is available if you meet an eligibility test. The funding will also cover any counselling the Family Dispute Resolution provider arranges, and some legal advice from a lawyer.

If you don’t qualify for full funding, you can still access Family Dispute Resolution mediation services at a set price of $897 (including GST) from a government provider. Those taking part in mediation will split the cost between them.

To find out more about government funding, Parenting Through Separation and Family Dispute Resolution, including how you can contact you local provider, visit justice.govt.nz/family-justice or a Family Court.

Going to court

If you cannot agree with your ex-partner after Parenting Through Separation and Family Dispute Resolution then you can apply to the Family Court to resolve the matter for you.

• To do this you apply for a Parenting Order, which is explained below.

• In the early stages of the process you will meet with the judge. During these stages in court, you will not have a lawyer. If you still cannot agree then your case will move towards a court hearing, and lawyers can become involved.

• At each step in the court process, the judge will try to get you to agree.

• The judge may also send you back to Parenting Through Separation or Family Dispute Resolution if they think this will help you reach agreement, or send you for counselling.

• Legal aid may be available for eligible people when lawyers become involved in court. For more about legal aid, visit justice.govt.nz/services/legal-help/legal-aid

17

What is a Parenting Order?

• A Parenting Order is made by the Family Court after the judge hears the argument from both sides.

• It outlines the parenting arrangements:

– who is responsible for day-to-day care of a child

– when and how someone else important in the child’s life can have contact with them. This is usually the child’s other parent but can be the child’s extended family.

• The judge will decide based on what they think is best for the child.

• Parenting Orders can be enforced, just like any other Order of the court.

Even if you agree with your ex-partner about the day-to-day care for your children and/or contact arrangements, you can get the court to make a Parenting Order so your agreement is enforceable.

For more information about Parenting Orders and what happens in court, visit justice.govt.nz/family-justice

Remember, children usually want the arrangements to be fair and for there to be no fighting.

Why should I think before taking our disagreement to court?

Going to court will:

• take more time (unless it is an emergency) and for your children it will seem even longer

• require huge amounts of emotional energy

• cost money – legal costs can be many thousands of dollars (even if you get legal aid, it is a loan that you might have to repay)

• mean that you hand over your decision-making role to a judge.

Ask yourself honestly:

• are you keeping the conflict alive for your children’s sake or your own sake?

• are you using the court to ‘get even’ with your partner, prove you are right or because you don’t want to back down?

18

If we go to court what will happen?

The court is to decide on the care arrangements for your children, not settle other relationship issues. How you and your ex-partner have behaved in the past can only be considered if it’s relevant to your children’s interests. The judge will not take ‘sides’ – his or her job is to make the decision they believe to be best for your children.

• You and your ex-partner may be represented by lawyers for some parts of the process.

• Generally, your children will not appear in court. In some cases they may be represented by a Lawyer for Child, which is explained below.

• You will give evidence.

• Reports from a psychologist and other experts are sometimes given to the court.

The lawyer for child

In some cases, the judge may decide that a child needs a lawyer to make sure the child’s views are heard.

In this case, the court will appoint a separate lawyer to act for your children, called the lawyer for child. The lawyer for child:

• is experienced in family law

• represents only your children’s interests, not yours or your ex-partner’s

• will try to help everyone to come to an agreement in the best interests of your children

• may get reports to help the judge get a better picture of what’s going on for your children from:

– their school(s)

– psychologists

– cultural advisors

– social workers.

19

Why should I take Parenting Orders seriously?

If you break the terms of a Parenting Order (including one you and your ex-partner both agreed on), the judge may:

• reduce the time you spend with your children

• ask you to go to counselling, Parenting Through Separation, Family Dispute Resolution, or another programme to help you deal with your issues

• order you to pay a bond to the court – this is an amount of money that you may lose if you break the Order again

• order you to pay costs caused by the breach (including legal costs)

• issue a warrant so the Police can enforce the order

• fine you

• send you to prison for up to three months.

Moving away

What if I am thinking about moving?

Talk about it with your ex-partner first. This could make the separation more difficult for your children, especially if it means:

• being apart from their other parent

• a break in contact with family/whānau and friends

• starting a new school.

20

What if my ex-partner has moved away?

Many parents live apart in ways that make weekly or even monthly contact difficult with their children.

Don’t let this stop you encouraging your children to have contact.

• Keep in contact by phone or online.

• Look out for cheap calling specials and cheap airfares.

• Use internet programmes such as Skype and ‘MSN Messenger’ type chat services to stay in touch.

• Use the school holidays and plan contact well ahead.

New partners

What can I expect from my children when I have a new partner?

New partners may make the separation harder for your children to cope with, so be patient.

Children often feel they cannot accept your new partner without feeling disloyal to their other parent.

Here are some practical things to keep in mind that can help.

• Make time for your child to be with you without your new partner.

• Be sensitive to your children’s emotions and needs when introducing a new partner.

• Listen to what your children say about your new partner without feeling you have to change their minds or agree with them.

• Understand your child’s point of view.

• Insist that your children are polite to your new partner but don’t expect them to see him or her as a parent.

• Don’t ask your children to call your new partner ‘mum’ or ‘dad’.

21

What if my new partner has their own children?

Step-families can be very difficult for children to adjust to on top of your splitting up, so again be patient.

Ask your children to tell you how they feel about the situation, listen to what they say and try to help.

Some common myths and realitiesMyth Reality

All children will be damaged if their parents split up.

Often children will have a short-term reaction.

Most children are fine after a time; the damage is done when parents expose children to conflict, or don’t parent their children well.

It doesn’t seem to have affected our children.

Children experience their own feelings when parents separate.

Encourage them to talk about their feelings because they may be avoiding or concealing their feelings to protect you or to avoid making things worse.

A judge will have to decide what happens to our children.

It is the parents’ or guardians’ responsibility to make arrangements for the children – most people sort out things without going to court.

A hopeless partner is a useless parent.

What it takes to be a good parent is different from what it takes to be a good partner.

I am the only one who can parent our children well.

Parents need all the help they can get bringing up children.

You had to learn to parent. You may have to let the other parent learn to do that too.

Contact isn’t worth the trouble.

Most children need, and want, a relationship with both parents.

Anyone can get legal aid. There are rules about who can get legal aid, whether it should continue and how it is to be repaid.

If I don’t have day-to-day care, I won’t have a say.

Both parents are guardians, which means both have a say on the important matters.

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Mothers are the best day-to-day caregivers.

Children need both parents – fathers and mothers are equally capable of looking after children (with the exception of breast feeding).

I can make our children love me the most by pointing out all my ex-partner’s faults to them.

If you run down your ex-partner in front your children your future relationship with them may be damaged.

The more my children love their other parent the less they’ll love me.

Your children have plenty of love for both of you. If you help them develop their relationship with their other parent it will actually help your own relationship with your children in the long term.

Judges always decide that mothers should have day-to-day care.

Judges look beyond parents’ genders in deciding on the best arrangements for children.

Both parents should do things exactly the same for the children in their different homes.

Children can put up with some differences – they understand the idea of two separate homes.

Fathers don’t look after children properly.

Fathers and mothers bring different skills and styles to parenting, both of which are necessary for children.

Day-to-day care and contact arrangements for our children should be once and for all.

Children have different needs at different stages in their lives: • arrangements can be renegotiated at any time • court ordered arrangements can be changed • it is normal for children to need different parents more at

different stages.

Myth Reality

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