Q1: Overcoming Destructive Emotions & Behaviors

Q2: Fundamentals of Successful Marriage

Part 1: Getting The Basics Right!Part 2: Basic Ingredients of Cleaving!

Family Life Ministry 2015: Building Effective Relationship Skills

Study Focus Questions1. Why did God create marriage?2. What are elements/requirements for a healthy marriage

relationship?3. Why do some marriages succeed and others fail? 4. What do I need to know/do in order to have a

happy/fulfilling/peaceful family relationship?If the fundamentals are missing in a marriage, everything else will go wrong!

(If the foundation is destroyed/bad/faulty…Psalm 11:3…paraphrased)

TextPsalm 11:3 (KJV)• 3 If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

Genesis 2:18-25• 18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Text• 19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the

field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.• 20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air,

and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.• 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and

he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

Text• 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man,

made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.• 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh

of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,

and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.• 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and

were not ashamed.

The Impact of Lack of Marriage Education!•When we want to do anything in life, we readily go

in search of knowledge!• In fact the law requires that training and licenses be

obtained before you can operate certain equipment or function in certain offices/professions!• Example - we go through hours of driver training,

and sit beside a DMV/DPS officer to take a driving test before we are licensed (legally allowed) to put a vehicle on the road.

The Impact of Lack of Marriage Education!• However, when it comes to the subject of marriage most people

think they know it all…• They don’t attend sessions like this…• They don’t pay attention to the need for pre-marital and marriage

counselling• They skip marriage seminars, etc…• Yet they obtained a “marriage license” and “operate” the marriage

relationship! • They’re not CLEAVING = WORKING PROACTIVELY towards the success

of their relationship!

Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage1. Communion/Companionship/Company/Friendship• 18 And the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a

companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis 2:18 (TLB)• Reason #1 = To produce goodness (completeness) of/in each other (It is

not good for man to be alone…)• A good marriage requires sharing of life…i.e. not aloneness!• If you are married and still have the “mine” mentality, you are destroying

the foundation of your marriage…it is not good…it is selfishness!• You can’t be selfish and have a successful marriage because the

foundation requires the “ours/sharing” mentality

Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage2. Provide Suitable Support (Help Meet = KJV Language)• 18 And the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will

make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis 2:18 (TLB)• To bear each other’s burden…help = support = assist; e.g. helping to

lift a load…it makes the load a lot easier to lift• The support is mutual…• The key to supporting each other is the sense of partnership (not

lordship or servitude!)

Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage

3. To Fill in the “The Blank” (Missing Piece) in Each Other18 And the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis 2:18 (TLB)• There are needs (blanks) of each man that requires a specific woman

and vice versa!• When I say needs, I mean key elements that is missing in each gender…

differences that requires input that can only be met by the ingredients God used in creating your spouse, and abilities He placed in him/her!• This leads to the subject of partnership…

Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage

4. Partnership• Note that the woman is part of the man…formed out of his ribs!• Other species were created out of the dust individually, but when it came

to humans, God took out of the man to make the woman. • 19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every

fowl of the air…• 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he

took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;• 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and

brought her unto the man.

Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage• This implies that we need each other for completeness• There are things you are not strong at that your spouse is

designed to be good at…• e.g. the female intuition is 10x stronger than the male’s!...it

is a God given ability to women…• Therefore to function in completeness, we must value each

other’s uniqueness and utilize each other’s strengths to produce a higher quality result than you can unilaterally achieve!

Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage• Partnership requires a sense of value of each other’s uniqueness, and

wisely employing our uniqueness in partnership• Marriage is not a competitive environment but a supportive

partnership!• The fact that we are different parts of the same means God

used/mixed different ingredients to produce the whole being• Men and women are not the same (not only in physical terms, but in

many other ways – emotionally, strengths/grace, thought process, etc.)• Combining the individual strengths (partnership) thus produces a more

effective output and results in a better quality relationship!

Question:

•What are some ingredients that can facilitate the successful realization of these 4 fundamental (uniform) purpose of God every marriage?

Ingredients that facilitates successful marriage…

1. Selflessness 2. Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences3. Valuing each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)4. Overcome pride/ego 5. Overlooking offence (seeing the person not the deeds)6. Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)7. Caring/love8. Honor/respect9. Unity/oneness

Cleaving!

God’s Original Design = Oneness = 1+1 = 1!• God’s original design (in the beginning) is that each married couple

become one flesh • Genesis 2:24, • 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall

cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.• ONE FLESH = Fused Together (mentally, physically, emotionally, and

spiritually)• Matt 19:3-8 (Jesus reiterated the original/beginning intent for marriage)• 8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts

suffered you to put away (separate/disunite) your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

Yosemite National Park = Faithful Couple

• “Faithful Couple” = Fused Giant Sequoia @ Yosemite Mariposa Grove• A rare case in which two trees

grew so close together that their trunks fused together at the base.• This is an example of “one

flesh”…2 becoming 1!

Keeping to The Original Divine Intent • They shall be implies that it is/takes a process to

be/become• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,

and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

• It is not instantaneous!•We need to understand and work on the process of

“becoming”!

Keeping to The Original Divine Intent • A key to fulfilling the divine design of oneness is the word

CLEAVE (vs. 24)• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and

shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.• Cleave is an action verb (dictionary.com definition below)

• 1. to adhere closely; stick; cling (usually followed by to)• 2. to remain faithful (usually followed by to)• to cleave to one's principles in spite of persecution.

• CLEAVE = WORK AT PUTTING & KEEPING TOGETHER!

Cleaver #11. Selflessness 2. Value each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)3. Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences4. Overcome pride/ego5. Overlook offence (see the person not the deeds)6. Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)7. Caring/love8. Honor/respect9. Unity /oneness

#1: Selflessness• 18 And the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I

will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis 2:18 (TLB)• Companionship requires sharing of life between a couple• The “alone/me/self” mentality destroys the foundation of a

marriage! …it is not good!• You can’t be selfish and have a successful marriage!• Because the foundation requires stepping away from the

“alone” mentality to the “companion” mentality

#1: Selflessness• Selflessness = opposite of selfishness!

• Selfishness: Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with oone's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others; characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself

• Selflessness: Devoted to others' welfare or interest and not one's own

#1: Selflessness•Selflessness: Devoted to others' welfare or interest and not one's own

•Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in

lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Discussion Question #1

•What are examples of selfishness between couples?

Discussion Question #1 • Examples of selfishness between couples?•Personal Thoughts • Not sharing concerns, thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc.

•Personal Time • You have no personal time if your spouse needs your

help/input at that time!•Personal Property•Personal Finance

Discussion Question #2

•Why do individuals find it difficult to be selfless in the marriage setting?•Remember the definition of selflessness:

devoted to others' (husband’s/wife’s/children’s/parents’) welfare or interest and not one's own•Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but

in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Discussion Question #3

•How can we overcome the tendency to be selfish in the marriage setting?

Discussion Question #3

•How can we overcome the tendency to be selfish in the marriage setting?•Philippians 2:3

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves

Cleaver #21. Selflessness 2. Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences3. Value each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)4. Overcome pride/ego5. Overlook offence (seeing the person not the deeds)6. Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)7. Caring/love8. Honor/respect9. Unity (the covenant of intimacy)

#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths•Understand that men and women are fundamentally different

and each have unique strengths!• Isaiah 40:29 (KJV):29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that

have no might he increaseth strength.• Identify strengths unique to your spouse (its not necessarily

the same across the same gender)• Some men enjoy #’s and planning; whereas in some homes it’s

the wife…• Don’t be stereo typical about it…study your spouse…• A quick recap of basic gender differences

Basic Gender DifferencesMale• Functions on Logic (Logical

Thinker)

•He expresses what he is thinking when communicating

Female•Functions on Emotions &

Feelings

• She is expressing what she is feeling when communicating• She doesn’t want you to hear just

her words, she wants you to hear her feelings!

Basic Gender DifferencesMale•Words are only

information• The Information does not

affect his emotion…• It is only fact or figures to

him!

Female• She does not only hear

the words, she feels the words•Never tell a woman what

you don’t want her to feel•NB: Be careful how you

talk to a woman who is not your wife

Basic Gender Differences

Male•To him everything is

impersonal

•Negative words have little impact on the man

Female•She takes everything personally

• She takes everything you say personal!

Basic Gender DifferencesMale•He is interested in the

principle

•He is only interested in the gist of things?

Female•She is interested in the details

•What, when, where?

Male• He quickly analyzes the

words and begins to propose solution alternatives

• Uses words like “the fact of the matter is”

Female• She is not asking you to

solve the problem!

• She is simply expressing how she feels

Basic Gender Differences

Male•Men are like filing cabinets!

• You put the information there and forget it!• They say it and forget it!

Female•Women are like a computer

disk!

• She never forgets anything!• Never say to a woman what

you don’t want her to remember!

Basic Gender Differences

Male•He has to be reminded

things over & over again• He only remembers the gist of

things

Female• She never forgets

anything!

• Have you ever wondered how she remembers the details of what you said or the cloth you wore to a wedding 10 years ago?

Basic Gender Differences

Male•His work is an extension of

his personality

• God gave work to man before He gave her the woman (Gen 2:15)

Female•Her home is an extension

of her personality• It is her domain!• She needs to feel you care

about things around the house that bother her

Basic Gender Differences

Male•Can function in the midst

on an unstable situation or environment

Female• She needs stability &

security

• She needs to know she can trust you completely!• This is why she needs to hear from

you “I Love You” everyday!

Basic Gender Differences

Male• Tend to be resentful when

corrected

Female•Tends to be guilt prone

• She walks with the weight of a guilt.. She thinks: what did I do wrong?...even when the man is at fault!• Please take the weight of guilt off

her shoulders!

Basic Gender Differences

Male•Evaluates the situation before getting involved

Female•Tends to get involved in things easily

• “if it feels good, it has to be good!”

Basic Gender Differences

#2 Value of Each Other’s Differences & Strengths

•Discussion Question #4: How can you ensure that the your differences don’t obscure the perception/reception of your spouse’s inputs?

#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths

•Discussion Question #4: How can you ensure that the your differences don’t obscure the perception/reception of your spouse’s inputs? • Remind yourself that there are strengths in your spouse that

you lack! • Isaiah 40:29 (KJV):29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might

he increaseth strength.

• Seek input on every issue from your spouse for optimum outcome…

#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths• Seek to understand things from your spouse’s perspective• Know that you will always be clouded by your point of view

•Ask questions to clarify your understanding your spouse’s inputs (verbal or non-verbal)•Don’t jump to conclusion; always ask for clarification

Men should listen for feelings…Women should listen for facts…

•Apologize for misconceptions and forgive if misunderstood!

Cleaver #31. Selflessness 2. Value each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)3. Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences

4. Overcome pride/ego5. Overlook offence (seeing the person not the deeds)6. Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)7. Caring/love8. Honor/respect9. Unity (the covenant of intimacy)

#3 Overcome Pride/Ego •Pride (dictionary.com)•A high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.•Consideration of one’s opinion/ability as superior•You can never KNOW IT ALL!

#3 Overcome Pride/Ego •Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

•GNT = Pride leads to destruction, and arrogance to downfall.

•Pride will lead to destruction of a relationship!

#3 Overcome Pride/Ego • Proverbs 11:2 When pride cometh, then cometh shame:

but with the lowly (humble) is wisdom.•Pride will prevent you from being able to take advantage

of your spouse’s wisdom, because you want to be the one that’s right all the time!•Solution• Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife

(competition) or vainglory (pride); but in lowliness (humility) of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Summary•One of our texts was: If the fundamentals are missing in a marriage, everything else will go wrong! (Psalm 11:3 paraphrased)•We discussed 3 ingredients that facilitates CLEAVING and the successful realization God’s foundational purpose for marriage…•What are they?

Summary•#1 Selflessness•#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths•#3 Overcome Pride/Ego •Repeated scripture…•Philippians 2:3

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves

Question & Answers

Prayer Point…Father please help us to…•Be Selfless•Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths•Overcome Pride/Ego •Esteem each other better than ourselves

In our home/family/relationship…