Resumés

Resume Writing Tips from the Resume Writing Tips from the Intelligence-Impaired: These are Intelligence-Impaired: These are taken from real resumes and taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: Fortune Magazine:

Resumés

"I demand a salary commiserate "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." with my extensive experience."

Resumés

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet computor and spreasheet progroms.”progroms.”

Resumés

"Received a plague for "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”Salesperson of the Year.”

Resumés

"Reason for leaving last job: "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”maturity leave.”

Resumés

"Wholly responsible for two (2) "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”failed financial institutions.”

Resumés

"Failed bar exam with relatively "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”high grades.”

Resumés

"It's best for employers that I not "It's best for employers that I not work with people.”work with people.”

Resumés

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.”'aah' over my experience.”

Resumés

"You will want me to be Head "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”Honcho in no time.”

Resumés

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”if ever forget details.”

Resumés

"I was working for my mom until "I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”she decided to move.”

Resumés

"Marital status: single. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments”Uninvolved. No Commitments”

Resumés

"I have an excellent track record, "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”although I am not a horse.”

Resumés

"I am loyal to my employer at all "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice to my resume on my office voice mail.”mail.”

Resumés

"I have become completely "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”one and absolutely nothing.”

Resumés

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”stock brokerage.”

Resumés

"I procrastinate, especially when "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”the task is unpleasant.”

Resumés

"Personal interests: donating "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

Resumés

"As indicted, I have over five "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”years of analyzing investments.”

Resumés

"Instrumental in ruining entire "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation for a Midwest chain store.”store.”

Resumés

"Note: Please don't misconstrue "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.”have never quit a job.”

Resumés

"Marital status: often. Children: "Marital status: often. Children: various.”various.”

Resumés

"Reason for leaving last job: "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.”those conditions.”

Resumés

"The company made me a "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”previous employers.”

Resumés

"Finished eighth in my class of "Finished eighth in my class of ten.”ten.”

Resumés

"References: none. I've left a path "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.”of destruction behind me.”

Resumés

And for those of us who already And for those of us who already have jobs, these quotes were have jobs, these quotes were taken from actual performance taken from actual performance evaluations:evaluations:

Resumés

"Since my last report, this "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”bottom and has started to dig.”

Resumés

"I would not allow this employee "I would not allow this employee to breed.”to breed.”

Resumés

"This associate is really not so "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.”a definitely won't be.”

Resumés

"Works well when under "Works well when under constant supervision and constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”cornered like a rat in a trap.”

Resumés

"When she opens her mouth, it "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to changeseems that this is only to changewhichever foot was previously in whichever foot was previously in there.”there.”

Resumés

"He would be out of his depth in "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”a parking lot puddle.”

Resumés

"This young lady has delusions "This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”of adequacy.”

Resumés

"This employee is depriving a "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." village somewhere of an idiot."