Rethinking Rethinking Parenting: How To Parenting: How To

Bridge The Gap Bridge The Gap Between What We Between What We Want And What We Want And What We

DoDoDerek Selander & Ron FastDerek Selander & Ron FastInternational School ManilaInternational School Manila

Why rethinking Why rethinking parenting?parenting?

OUTLINEOUTLINE Purpose & RationalePurpose & Rationale Where We’ve Come FromWhere We’ve Come From

What Have We LearnedWhat Have We Learned LimitationsLimitations

Where We Are NowWhere We Are Now What We DoWhat We Do Why We Do ItWhy We Do It How We Do It (Tools To Facilitate the How We Do It (Tools To Facilitate the

Process)Process) Where We Are GoingWhere We Are Going DiscussionDiscussion

PurposePurpose

To offer a new perspective regarding parentingTo offer a new perspective regarding parenting To provide a theoretical framework based on To provide a theoretical framework based on

current researchcurrent research To provide informationTo provide information To provide tools for running parenting groupsTo provide tools for running parenting groups To model techniques that can be utilized with To model techniques that can be utilized with

parentsparents To create a counseling network of individuals To create a counseling network of individuals

interested in the topic of parentinginterested in the topic of parenting

RationaleRationale

We believe that what we are doing is We believe that what we are doing is

working based on consistent feedback working based on consistent feedback fromfrom

parents in our groups. parents in our groups.

Where We’ve Come FromWhere We’ve Come From Systematic Training For Effective Systematic Training For Effective

Parenting (STEP)Parenting (STEP) Skills-Based ApproachesSkills-Based Approaches What is Useful and What is LimitingWhat is Useful and What is Limiting

Provides a StructureProvides a Structure Simplified/ScriptedSimplified/Scripted Age SpecificAge Specific Cultural ConsiderationsCultural Considerations Experiential ConsiderationsExperiential Considerations

““What we see is the most What we see is the most important determiner of what important determiner of what we do…Our interaction will we do…Our interaction will only be as effective as our only be as effective as our perceptions are insightful.”perceptions are insightful.”

Gordon NeufeldGordon Neufeld

Where We Are NowWhere We Are NowWhat We Want To DoWhat We Want To Do

Offer different ways of thinking about Offer different ways of thinking about parentingparenting

Empower parentsEmpower parents Raise level of confidenceRaise level of confidence Facilitate meaningful discussionFacilitate meaningful discussion Exam feelings and beliefsExam feelings and beliefs Encourage reflection Encourage reflection Provide informationProvide information Provide opportunities for healingProvide opportunities for healing Provide supportProvide support

Where We Are NowWhere We Are NowHow We Do ItHow We Do It

Community Building and Creating Safe SpaceCommunity Building and Creating Safe Space Providing Information (see Biblio. & Book Providing Information (see Biblio. & Book

Groups)Groups) Reflection ExercisesReflection Exercises

Activity (Consider “Rethinking Parenting”)Activity (Consider “Rethinking Parenting”) Clarifying Long-term Goals for our ChildrenClarifying Long-term Goals for our Children What informs our parenting?What informs our parenting? Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B)Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B)

Examining Communication & RelationshipsExamining Communication & Relationships Marshall Rosenberg (See Appendix C & D)Marshall Rosenberg (See Appendix C & D) Daniel Siegel: Attachment and AttunementDaniel Siegel: Attachment and Attunement

Where We Are NowWhere We Are NowHow We Do It (Cont.)How We Do It (Cont.)

Examining BeliefsExamining Beliefs STEP Parenting ExerciseSTEP Parenting Exercise Agree/Disagree Statements (See Appendix Agree/Disagree Statements (See Appendix

A)A) Where do our beliefs come from?Where do our beliefs come from?

Examining Needs (Marshall Rosenberg—See Examining Needs (Marshall Rosenberg—See Appendix C & D)Appendix C & D)

Examining FearsExamining Fears Healing ExercisesHealing Exercises

Small Group DiscussionsSmall Group Discussions Life MapLife Map Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B)Daniel Siegel (See Appendix B) MeditationMeditation

Where We Are NowWhere We Are Now

Is there a disconnect Is there a disconnect between what between what

parents ‘want’ and parents ‘want’ and what they ‘do’?what they ‘do’?

Alfie KohnAlfie Kohn

Clarifying What We Clarifying What We WantWant

What word or phrase comes What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how to mind to describe how you’d like your children to you’d like your children to turn out; what you want turn out; what you want them to be like once them to be like once they’re grown?they’re grown?

HappyHappy

BalancedBalanced

IndependentIndependent FulfilledFulfilled ProductiveProductive Self-reliantSelf-reliant

ResponsibleResponsible

FunctioningFunctioning KindKind ThoughtfulThoughtful LovingLoving InquisitiveInquisitive ConfidentConfident

Where We Are GoingWhere We Are Going

ChallengesChallenges Multi-Cultural Considerations?Multi-Cultural Considerations? Others?Others?

Appendix A: Agree/Disagree Appendix A: Agree/Disagree StatementsStatements

Using reinforcement is necessary to control a child’s behavior. Using reinforcement is necessary to control a child’s behavior. Parenting styles are learned and or evolve from the ways we Parenting styles are learned and or evolve from the ways we

were parented ourselves.were parented ourselves. With regard to learning, both in and out of the classroom, With regard to learning, both in and out of the classroom,

experiencing failure is just as important as experiencing experiencing failure is just as important as experiencing success. success.

Spare the rod, spoil the child. Spare the rod, spoil the child. I was spanked by my parents and it didn’t seem to affect me I was spanked by my parents and it didn’t seem to affect me

at all.at all. Parents should not be afraid to exercise their authority.Parents should not be afraid to exercise their authority. A child should be taught to obey and yield to parental A child should be taught to obey and yield to parental

leadership.leadership. A parent should respect a child the same way they respect a A parent should respect a child the same way they respect a

friend. friend. Punishment can prove to children that their parents love them.Punishment can prove to children that their parents love them.

Appendix B: Daniel Siegel—Appendix B: Daniel Siegel—Parenting from the Inside OutParenting from the Inside Out

Basic PrinciplesBasic Principles Activities/Discussion QuestionsActivities/Discussion Questions

Do you see any part of you in your child?Do you see any part of you in your child? Think of 3 words that describe your relationship with your Think of 3 words that describe your relationship with your

child? Are they words you might use to describe memories with child? Are they words you might use to describe memories with your own parents?your own parents?

What are some of your common reactions with your child?What are some of your common reactions with your child? Think of a time when you had a different reaction to the same Think of a time when you had a different reaction to the same

experience. Consider the experience from their perspective. experience. Consider the experience from their perspective. Think of an experience from your own childhood where your Think of an experience from your own childhood where your

reality was denied. How did you feel? reality was denied. How did you feel? Create a one paragraph narrative about your childhood. Create a one paragraph narrative about your childhood. What impact do you think your childhood has had on your adult What impact do you think your childhood has had on your adult

life in general, including the ways you think of yourself and life in general, including the ways you think of yourself and relate to your children? What would you like to change?relate to your children? What would you like to change?

Without thinking too much “A good mother/father is….” Without thinking too much “A good mother/father is….” How do we connect emotionally with our kids?How do we connect emotionally with our kids? How did your family experience ruptures during your How did your family experience ruptures during your

childhood? How about now? How do you deal with a “wall”?childhood? How about now? How do you deal with a “wall”?

Appendix C: Marshall Appendix C: Marshall Rosenberg Needs/Non-violent Rosenberg Needs/Non-violent

Communication (NVC)Communication (NVC) Basic PrinciplesBasic Principles

Human actions are motivated by Human actions are motivated by attempts to meet needs.attempts to meet needs.

Trusting relationships develop through Trusting relationships develop through attentiveness to those needs.attentiveness to those needs.

Shifts attention away from judgment Shifts attention away from judgment focusing towards feelings and needs.focusing towards feelings and needs.

Empathy for others’ feelings and needs Empathy for others’ feelings and needs and an expression of ones ownand an expression of ones own

Appendix D: Activities to Appendix D: Activities to Exam NeedsExam Needs

Think of something you did/said to enrich someone’s life Think of something you did/said to enrich someone’s life in the past 24hours. How did it enrich their life? What in the past 24hours. How did it enrich their life? What needs were met? How do you feel now? needs were met? How do you feel now?

What are your personal needs? Make a list. Discuss in What are your personal needs? Make a list. Discuss in groups. groups.

Do they change depending on situation, person, place?Do they change depending on situation, person, place? Why is it important to reflect on our own needs?Why is it important to reflect on our own needs? What are your child’s needs? Go home and ask them.What are your child’s needs? Go home and ask them. Think of a conflict with your child. What were their Think of a conflict with your child. What were their

needs? Your needs?needs? Your needs? In general, what do you believe are your children’s In general, what do you believe are your children’s

needs? (Work independently and then come together)needs? (Work independently and then come together) Think of the last conflict you had with your child. Whose Think of the last conflict you had with your child. Whose

needs were met in the end? How were those needs met? needs were met in the end? How were those needs met? (Work independently and then in small groups). (Work independently and then in small groups).

BibliographyBibliography A Nation of Wimps by Hara Estroff Marano (Psychology Today, 2004) (Psychology Today, 2004)

"Good" Children - at What Price? The Secret Cost of Shameby Robin Grille and Beth Macgregor

How Children Really React to Control—taken from Discipline That Works: Promoting Self-discipline in Children by Thomas Gordon (1989)

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’ by Alfie Kohn

Compassionate Connection: Attachment Parenting and Nonviolent Communication by Inbal Kashtan

The Child Trap: The Rise of Overparenting by Joan Acocella (2008)

Children Full of Life (See YOUTUBE)

Power Struggles by Shirley King

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Book GroupsBook Groups Parenting from the Inside Out—Daniel Siegel& Mary Parenting from the Inside Out—Daniel Siegel& Mary

HartzellHartzell Unconditional Parenting—Alfie Kohn (or on DVD)Unconditional Parenting—Alfie Kohn (or on DVD) Hold On to Your Kids—Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Hold On to Your Kids—Gordon Neufeld & Gabor

MateMate Parent Effectiveness Training—Thomas GordonParent Effectiveness Training—Thomas Gordon Freeing Your Child from Anxiety—Tamar ChanskyFreeing Your Child from Anxiety—Tamar Chansky Between Parent and Child—Haim GinottBetween Parent and Child—Haim Ginott Children: The Challenge—Rudolf DreikursChildren: The Challenge—Rudolf Dreikurs How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will

Talk—Adele FaberTalk—Adele Faber Third Culture Kids—David Pollock & Ruth Van RekenThird Culture Kids—David Pollock & Ruth Van Reken

DiscussionDiscussion