RightHo,Jeeves

By

P.G.Wodehouse

-1-

"Jeeves,"Isaid,"mayIspeakfrankly?"

"Certainly,sir."

"WhatIhavetosaymaywoundyou."

"Notatall,sir."

"Well,then——"

No—wait.Holdthelineaminute.I'vegoneofftherails.

Idon'tknowifyouhavehadthesameexperience,butthesnagIalwayscomeupagainstwhenI'mtellingastoryisthisdasheddifficultproblemofwheretobeginit.It'sathingyoudon'twanttogowrongover,becauseonefalsestepandyou'resunk.Imean,ifyoufoolabouttoolongatthestart,tryingtoestablishatmosphere,astheycallit,andallthatsortofrot,youfailtogripandthecustomerswalkoutonyou.

Getoffthemark,ontheotherhand,likeascaldedcat,andyourpublicisataloss.Itsimplyraisesitseyebrows,andcan'tmakeoutwhatyou'retalkingabout.

AndinopeningmyreportofthecomplexcaseofGussieFink-Nottle,MadelineBassett,myCousinAngela,myAuntDahlia,myUncleThomas,youngTuppyGlossopandthecook,Anatole,withtheabovespotofdialogue,IseethatIhavemadethesecondofthesetwofloaters.

Ishallhavetoharkbackabit.Andtakingitforallinallandweighingthisagainstthat,Isupposetheaffairmaybesaidtohavehaditsinception,ifinceptionisthewordIwant,withthatvisitofminetoCannes.IfIhadn'tgonetoCannes,Ishouldn'thavemettheBassettorboughtthatwhitemessjacket,andAngelawouldn'thavemethershark,andAuntDahliawouldn'thaveplayedbaccarat.

Yes,mostdecidedly,Canneswasthepointd'appui.

Rightho,then.Letmemarshalmyfacts.

IwenttoCannes—leavingJeevesbehind,hehavingintimatedthathedidnotwishtomissAscot—roundaboutthebeginningofJune.WithmetravelledmyAuntDahliaandherdaughterAngela.TuppyGlossop,Angela'sbetrothed,wastohavebeenoftheparty,butatthelastmomentcouldn'tgetaway.UncleTom,AuntDahlia'shusband,remainedathome,becausehecan'tsticktheSouthofFranceatanyprice.

Sothereyouhavethelayout—AuntDahlia,CousinAngelaandselfofftoCannesroundaboutthebeginningofJune.

Allprettyclearsofar,what?

WestayedatCannesabouttwomonths,andexceptforthefactthatAuntDahlialosthershirtatbaccaratandAngelanearlygotinhaledbyasharkwhileaquaplaning,apleasanttimewashadbyall.

OnJulythetwenty-fifth,lookingbronzedandfit,IaccompaniedauntandchildbacktoLondon.Atsevenp.m.onJulythetwenty-sixthwealightedatVictoria.Andatseven-twentyorthereaboutswepartedwithmutualexpressionsofesteem—theytoshoveoffinAuntDahlia'scartoBrinkleyCourt,herplaceinWorcestershire,wheretheywereexpectingtoentertainTuppyinadayortwo;Itogototheflat,dropmyluggage,cleanupabit,andputonthesoupandfishpreparatorytopushingroundtotheDronesforabiteofdinner.

AnditwaswhileIwasattheflat,towellingthetorsoafteramuch-neededrinse,thatJeeves,aswechattedofthisandthat—pickingupthethreads,asitwere—suddenlybroughtthenameofGussieFink-Nottleintotheconversation.

AsIrecallit,thedialogueransomethingasfollows:

SELF:Well,Jeeves,hereweare,what?

JEEVES:Yes,sir.

SELF:Imeantosay,homeagain.

JEEVES:Precisely,sir.

SELF:SeemsagessinceIwentaway.

JEEVES:Yes,sir.

SELF:HaveagoodtimeatAscot?

JEEVES:Mostagreeable,sir.

SELF:Winanything?

JEEVES:Quiteasatisfactorysum,thankyou,sir.

SELF:Good.Well,Jeeves,whatnewsontheRialto?Anybodybeenphoningorcallingoranythingduringmyabs.?

JEEVES:Mr.Fink-Nottle,sir,hasbeenafrequentcaller.

Istared.Indeed,itwouldnotbetoomuchtosaythatIgaped.

"Mr.Fink-Nottle?"

"Yes,sir."

"Youdon'tmeanMr.Fink-Nottle?"

"Yes,sir."

"ButMr.Fink-Nottle'snotinLondon?"

"Yes,sir."

"Well,I'mblowed."

AndI'lltellyouwhyIwasblowed.Ifounditscarcelypossibletogivecredencetohisstatement.ThisFink-Nottle,yousee,wasoneofthosefreaksyoucomeacrossfromtimetotimeduringlife'sjourneywhocan'tstandLondon.Helivedyearinandyearout,coveredwithmoss,inaremotevillagedowninLincolnshire,nevercomingupevenfortheEtonandHarrowmatch.AndwhenIaskedhimonceifhedidn'tfindthetimehangabitheavyonhishands,hesaid,no,becausehehadapondinhisgardenandstudiedthehabitsofnewts.

Icouldn'timaginewhatcouldhavebroughtthechapuptothegreatcity.Iwouldhavebeenpreparedtobetthataslongasthesupplyofnewtsdidn'tgiveout,nothingcouldhaveshiftedhimfromthatvillageofhis.

"Areyousure?"

"Yes,sir."

"Yougotthenamecorrectly?Fink-Nottle?"

"Yes,sir."

"Well,it'sthemostextraordinarything.ItmustbefiveyearssincehewasinLondon.Hemakesnosecretofthefactthattheplacegiveshimthepip.Untilnow,hehasalwaysstayedgluedtothecountry,completelysurroundedbynewts."

"Sir?"

"Newts,Jeeves.Mr.Fink-Nottlehasastrongnewtcomplex.Youmusthaveheardofnewts.Thoselittlesortoflizardthingsthatchargeaboutinponds."

"Oh,yes,sir.TheaquaticmembersofthefamilySalamandridaewhichconstitutethegenusMolge."

"That'sright.Well,Gussiehasalwaysbeenaslavetothem.Heusedtokeepthematschool."

"Ibelieveyounggentlemenfrequentlydo,sir."

"Hekepttheminhisstudyinakindofglass-tankarrangement,andprettyniffythewholethingwas,Irecall.Isupposeoneoughttohavebeenabletoseewhattheendwouldbeeventhen,butyouknowwhatboysare.Careless,heedless,busyaboutourownaffairs,wescarcelygavethiskinkinGussie'scharacterathought.Wemayhaveexchangedanoccasionalremarkaboutittakingallsortstomakeaworld,butnothingmore.Youcanguessthesequel.Thetroublespread,"

"Indeed,sir?"

"Absolutely,Jeeves.Thecravinggrewuponhim.Thenewtsgothim.Arrivedatman'sestate,heretiredtothedepthsofthecountryandgavehislifeuptothesedumbchums.Isupposeheusedtotellhimselfthathecouldtakethemorleavethemalone,andthenfound—toolate—thathecouldn't."

"Itisoftentheway,sir."

"Tootrue,Jeeves.Atanyrate,forthelastfiveyearshehasbeenlivingatthisplaceofhisdowninLincolnshire,asconfirmedaspecies-shunninghermitaseverputfreshwaterinthetankeveryseconddayandrefusedtoseeasoul.That'swhyIwassoamazedwhenyoutoldmehehadsuddenlyrisentothesurfacelikethis.Istillcan'tbelieveit.Iaminclinedtothinkthattheremustbesomemistake,andthatthisbirdwhohasbeencallinghereissomedifferentvarietyofFink-Nottle.ThechapIknowwearshorn-rimmedspectaclesandhasafacelikeafish.Howdoesthatcheckupwithyourdata?"

"Thegentlemanwhocametotheflatworehorn-rimmedspectacles,sir."

"Andlookedlikesomethingonaslab?"

"Possiblytherewasacertainsuggestionofthepiscine,sir."

"ThenitmustbeGussie,Isuppose.ButwhatonearthcanhavebroughthimuptoLondon?"

"Iaminapositiontoexplainthat,sir.Mr.Fink-Nottleconfidedtomehismotiveinvisitingthemetropolis.Hecamebecausetheyoungladyishere."

"Younglady?"

"Yes,sir."

"Youdon'tmeanhe'sinlove?"

"Yes,sir."

"Well,I'mdashed.I'mreallydashed.Ipositivelyamdashed,Jeeves."

AndIwastoo.Imeantosay,ajoke'sajoke,buttherearelimits.

ThenIfoundmymindturningtoanotheraspectofthisrummyaffair.

ConcedingthefactthatGussieFink-Nottle,againstalltherulingoftheformbook,mighthavefalleninlove,whyshouldhehavebeenhauntingmyflatlikethis?Nodoubttheoccasionwasoneofthosewhenafellowneedsafriend,butIcouldn'tseewhathadmadehimpickonme.

Itwasn'tasifheandIwereinanywaybosom.Wehadseenalotofeachotheratonetime,ofcourse,butinthelasttwoyearsIhadn'thadsomuchasapostcardfromhim.

IputallthistoJeeves:

"Odd,hiscomingtome.Still,ifhedid,hedid.Noargumentaboutthat.ItmusthavebeenanastyjarforthepoorperisherwhenhefoundIwasn'there."

"No,sir.Mr.Fink-Nottledidnotcalltoseeyou,sir."

"Pullyourselftogether,Jeeves.You'vejusttoldmethatthisiswhathehasbeendoing,andassiduously,atthat."

"ItwasIwithwhomhewasdesirousofestablishingcommunication,sir."

"You?ButIdidn'tknowyouhadevermethim."

"Ihadnothadthatpleasureuntilhecalledhere,sir.ButitappearsthatMr.Sipperley,afellowstudentwithwhomMr.Fink-Nottlehadbeenattheuniversity,recommendedhimtoplacehisaffairsinmyhands."

Themysteryhadconked.Isawall.AsIdaresayyouknow,Jeeves'sreputationasacounsellorhaslongbeenestablishedamongthecognoscenti,andthefirstmoveofanyofmylittlecircleondiscoveringthemselvesinanyformofsoupisalwaystorollroundandputthethinguptohim.Andwhenhe'sgotAoutofabadspot,AputsBontohim.Andthen,whenhehasfixedupB,BsendsCalong.Andsoon,ifyougetmydrift,andsoforth.

That'showthesebigconsultingpracticeslikeJeeves'sgrow.OldSippy,Iknew,hadbeendeeplyimpressedbytheman'seffortsonhisbehalfatthetimewhenhewastryingtogetengagedtoElizabethMoon,soitwasnottobewonderedatthatheshouldhaveadvisedGussietoapply.Pureroutine,youmightsay.

"Oh,you'reactingforhim,areyou?"

"Yes,sir."

"NowIfollow.NowIunderstand.AndwhatisGussie'strouble?"

"Oddlyenough,sir,preciselythesameasthatofMr.SipperleywhenIwasenabledtobeofassistancetohim.NodoubtyourecallMr.Sipperley'spredicament,sir.DeeplyattachedtoMissMoon,hesufferedfromarooteddiffidencewhichmadeitimpossibleforhimtospeak."

Inodded.

"Iremember.Yes,IrecalltheSipperleycase.Hecouldn'tbringhimselftothescratch.Amarkedcoldnessofthefeet,wastherenot?Irecollectyousayinghewasletting—whatwasit?—lettingsomethingdosomething.Catsenteredintoit,ifIamnotmistaken."

"Letting'Idarenot'waitupon'Iwould',sir."

"That'sright.Buthowaboutthecats?"

"Likethepoorcati'theadage,sir."

"Exactly.Itbeatsmehowyouthinkupthesethings.AndGussie,yousay,isinthesameposish?"

"Yes,sir.Eachtimeheendeavourstoformulateaproposalofmarriage,hiscouragefailshim."

"Andyet,ifhewantsthisfemaletobehiswife,he'sgottosayso,what?Imean,onlyciviltomentionit."

"Precisely,sir."

Imused.

"Well,Isupposethiswasinevitable,Jeeves.Iwouldn'thavethoughtthatthisFink-Nottlewouldeverhavefallenavictimtothedivinep,but,ifhehas,nowonderhefindsthegoingsticky."

"Yes,sir."

"Lookatthelifehe'sled."

"Yes,sir."

"Idon'tsupposehehasspokentoagirlforyears.Whatalessonthisistous,Jeeves,nottoshutourselvesupincountryhousesandstareintoglasstanks.Youcan'tbethedominantmaleifyoudothatsortofthing.Inthislife,youcanchoosebetweentwocourses.Youcaneithershutyourselfupinacountryhouseandstareintotanks,oryoucanbeadasherwiththesex.Youcan'tdoboth."

"No,sir."

Imusedoncemore.GussieandI,asIsay,hadratherlosttouch,butallthesameIwasexercisedaboutthepoorfish,asIamaboutallmypals,closeordistant,whofindthemselvestreadinguponLife'sbananaskins.Itseemedtomethathewasupagainstit.

IthrewmymindbacktothelasttimeIhadseenhim.Abouttwoyearsago,ithadbeen.Ihadlookedinathisplacewhileonamotortrip,andhehadput

merightoffmyfeedbybringingacoupleofgreenthingswithlegstotheluncheontable,crooningoverthemlikeayoungmotherandeventuallylosingoneoftheminthesalad.Thatpicture,risingbeforemyeyes,didn'tgivememuchconfidenceintheunfortunategoof'sabilitytowooandwin,Imustsay.Especiallyifthegirlhehadearmarkedwasoneofthesetoughmodernthugs,alllipstickandcool,hard,sardoniceyes,assheprobablywas.

"Tellme,Jeeves,"Isaid,wishingtoknowtheworst,"whatsortofagirlisthisgirlofGussie's?"

"Ihavenotmettheyounglady,sir.Mr.Fink-Nottlespeakshighlyofherattractions."

"Seemedtolikeher,didhe?"

"Yes,sir."

"Didhementionhername?PerhapsIknowher."

"SheisaMissBassett,sir.MissMadelineBassett."

"What?"

"Yes,sir."

Iwasdeeplyintrigued.

"Egad,Jeeves!Fancythat.It'sasmallworld,isn'tit,what?"

"Theyoungladyisanacquaintanceofyours,sir?"

"Iknowherwell.Yournewshasrelievedmymind,Jeeves.Itmakesthewholethingbegintoseemfarmorelikeapracticalworkingproposition."

"Indeed,sir?"

"Absolutely.IconfessthatuntilyousuppliedthisinformationIwasfeelingprofoundlydubiousaboutpooroldGussie'schancesofinducinganyspinsterofanyparishtojoinhiminthesaunterdowntheaisle.Youwillagreewithmethatheisnoteverybody'smoney."

"Theremaybesomethinginwhatyousay,sir."

"Cleopatrawouldn'thavelikedhim."

"Possiblynot,sir."

"AndIdoubtifhewouldgoanytoowellwithTallulahBankhead."

"No,sir."

"ButwhenyoutellmethattheobjectofhisaffectionsisMissBassett,why,then,Jeeves,hopebeginstodawnabit.He'sjustthesortofchapagirllikeMadelineBassettmightscoopinwithrelish."

ThisBassett,Imustexplain,hadbeenafellowvisitorofoursatCannes;andassheandAngelahadstruckuponeofthoseeffervescentfriendshipswhichgirlsdostrikeup,Ihadseenquiteabitofher.Indeed,inmymoodiermomentsitsometimesseemedtomethatIcouldnotmoveastepwithoutstubbingmytoeonthewoman.

Andwhatmadeitallsopainfulanddistressingwasthatthemorewemet,thelessdidIseemabletofindtosaytoher.

Youknowhowitiswithsomegirls.Theyseemtotakethestuffingrightoutofyou.Imeantosay,thereissomethingabouttheirpersonalitythatparalysesthevocalcordsandreducesthecontentsofthebraintocauliflower.ItwaslikethatwiththisBassettandme;somuchsothatIhaveknownoccasionswhenforminutesatastretchBertramWoostermighthavebeenobservedfumblingwiththetie,shufflingthefeet,andbehavinginallotherrespectsinherpresencelikethecompletedumbbrick.When,therefore,shetookherdeparturesometwoweeksbeforewedid,youmayreadilyimaginethat,inBertram'sopinion,itwasnotadaytoosoon.

Itwasnotherbeauty,markyou,thatthusnumbedme.Shewasaprettyenoughgirlinadroopy,blonde,saucer-eyedway,butnotthesortofbreath-takerthattakesthebreath.

No,whatcausedthisdisintegrationinausuallyfairlyfluentprattlerwiththesexwasherwholementalattitude.Idon'twanttowronganybody,soIwon'tgosofarastosaythatsheactuallywrotepoetry,butherconversation,tomymind,wasofanaturecalculatedtoexcitetheliveliestsuspicions.Well,Imeantosay,whenagirlsuddenlyasksyououtofablueskyifyoudon'tsometimesfeelthatthestarsareGod'sdaisy-chain,youbegintothinkabit.

Asregardsthefusingofhersoulandmine,therefore,therewasnothingdoing.ButwithGussie,theposishwasentirelydifferent.Thethingthathadstymiedme—viz.thatthisgirlwasobviouslyallloadeddownwithidealsandsentimentandwhatnot—wasquiteinorderasfarashewasconcerned.

Gussiehadalwaysbeenoneofthosedreamy,soulfulbirds—youcan'tshutyourselfupinthecountryandliveonlyfornewts,ifyou'renot—andIcouldseenoreasonwhy,ifhecouldsomehowbeinducedtogetthelow,burningwordsoffhischest,heandtheBassettshouldn'thititofflikehamandeggs.

"She'sjustthetypeforhim,"Isaid.

"Iammostgratifiedtohearit,sir."

"Andhe'sjustthetypeforher.Infine,agoodthingandonetobepushedalongwiththeutmostenergy.Straineverynerve,Jeeves."

"Verygood,sir,"repliedthehonestfellow."Iwillattendtothematterat

once."

Nowuptothispoint,asyouwilldoubtlessagree,whatyoumightcallaperfectharmonyhadprevailed.Friendlygossipbetweenemployerandemployed,andeverythingassweetasanut.Butatthisjuncture,Iregrettosay,therewasanunpleasantswitch.Theatmospheresuddenlychanged,thestormcloudsbegantogather,andbeforeweknewwherewewere,thejarringnotehadcomeboundingonthescene.IhaveknownthistohappenbeforeintheWoosterhome.

ThefirstintimationIhadthatthingswereabouttohotupwasapainedanddisapprovingcoughfromtheneighbourhoodofthecarpet.For,duringtheaboveexchanges,Ishouldexplain,whileI,havingdriedtheframe,hadbeendressinginaleisurelymanner,donninghereasock,thereashoe,andgraduallyclimbingintothevest,theshirt,thetie,andtheknee-length,Jeeveshadbeendownonthelowerlevel,unpackingmyeffects.

Henowrose,holdingawhiteobject.Andatthesightofit,Irealizedthatanotherofourdomesticcriseshadarrived,anotherofthoseunfortunateclashesofwillbetweentwostrongmen,andthatBertram,unlessherememberedhisfightingancestorsandstoodupforhisrights,wasabouttobeputupon.

Idon'tknowifyouwereatCannesthissummer.Ifyouwere,youwillrecallthatanybodywithanypretensionstobeingthelifeandsoulofthepartywasaccustomedtoattendbingesattheCasinointheordinaryevening-weartrouseringstoppedtothenorthbyawhitemess-jacketwithbrassbuttons.AndeversinceIhadsteppedaboardtheBlueTrainatCannesstation,IhadbeenwonderingonandoffhowminewouldgowithJeeves.

Inthematterofeveningcostume,yousee,Jeevesishideboundandreactionary.Ihadhadtroublewithhimbeforeaboutsoft-bosomedshirts.Andwhilethesemess-jacketshad,asIsay,beenalltherage—toutcequ'ilyadechic—ontheCôted'Azur,Ihadneverconcealeditfrommyself,evenwhentreadingthemeasureatthePalmBeachCasinointheoneIhadhastenedtobuy,thattheremightbesomethingofanupheavalaboutitonmyreturn.

Ipreparedtobefirm.

"Yes,Jeeves?"Isaid.Andthoughmyvoicewassuave,acloseobserverinapositiontowatchmyeyeswouldhavenoticedasteelyglint.NobodyhasagreaterrespectforJeeves'sintellectthanIhave,butthisdispositionofhistodictatetothehandthatfedhimhadgot,Ifelt,tobechecked.Thismess-jacketwasveryneartomyheart,andIjollywellintendedtofightforitwithallthevimofgrandoldSieurdeWoosterattheBattleofAgincourt.

"Yes,Jeeves?"Isaid."Somethingonyourmind,Jeeves?"

"IfearthatyouinadvertentlyleftCannesinthepossessionofacoatbelongingtosomeothergentleman,sir."

Iswitchedonthesteelyabitmore.

"No,Jeeves,"Isaid,inaleveltone,"theobjectunderadvisementismine.Iboughtitoutthere."

"Youworeit,sir?"

"Everynight."

"ButsurelyyouarenotproposingtowearitinEngland,sir?"

Isawthatwehadarrivedatthenub.

"Yes,Jeeves."

"But,sir——"

"Youweresaying,Jeeves?"

"Itisquiteunsuitable,sir."

"Idonotagreewithyou,Jeeves.Ianticipateagreatpopularsuccessforthisjacket.ItismyintentiontospringitonthepublictomorrowatPongoTwistleton'sbirthdayparty,whereIconfidentlyexpectittobeonelongscreamfromstarttofinish.Noargument,Jeeves.Nodiscussion.Whateverfantasticobjectionyoumayhavetakentoit,Iwearthisjacket."

"Verygood,sir."

Hewentonwithhisunpacking.Isaidnomoreonthesubject.Ihadwonthevictory,andweWoostersdonottriumphoverabeatenfoe.Presently,havingcompletedmytoilet,Ibadethemanacheeryfarewellandingenerousmoodsuggestedthat,asIwasdiningout,whydidn'thetaketheeveningoffandgotosomeimprovingpictureorsomething.Sortofolivebranch,ifyouseewhatImean.

Hedidn'tseemtothinkmuchofit.

"Thankyou,sir,Iwillremainin."

Isurveyedhimnarrowly.

"Isthisdudgeon,Jeeves?"

"No,sir,Iamobligedtoremainonthepremises.Mr.Fink-Nottleinformedmehewouldbecallingtoseemethisevening."

"Oh,Gussie'scoming,ishe?Well,givehimmylove."

"Verygood,sir."

"Yes,sir."

"Andawhiskyandsoda,andsoforth."

"Verygood,sir."

"Rightho,Jeeves."

IthensetofffortheDrones.

AttheDronesIranintoPongoTwistleton,andhetalkedsomuchabouthisforthcomingmerry-makingofhis,ofwhichgoodreportshadalreadyreachedmethroughmycorrespondents,thatitwasnearingelevenwhenIgothomeagain.

AndscarcelyhadIopenedthedoorwhenIheardvoicesinthesitting-room,andscarcelyhadIenteredthesitting-roomwhenIfoundthattheseproceededfromJeevesandwhatappearedatfirstsighttobetheDevil.

AcloserscrutinyinformedmethatitwasGussieFink-Nottle,dressedasMephistopheles.

-2-

"What-ho,Gussie,"Isaid.

Youcouldn'thavetolditfrommymanner,butIwasfeelingmorethanabitnonplussed.Thespectaclebeforemewasenoughtononplusanyone.Imeantosay,thisFink-Nottle,asIrememberedhim,wasthesortofshy,shrinkinggoopwhomighthavebeenexpectedtoshakelikeanaspenifinvitedtosomuchasasocialSaturdayafternoonatthevicarage.Andyetherehewas,ifonecouldcreditone'ssenses,abouttotakepartinafancy-dressball,aformofentertainmentnotoriouslyatestingexperienceforthetoughest.

Andhewasattendingthatfancy-dressball,markyou—not,likeeveryotherwell-bredEnglishman,asaPierrot,butasMephistopheles—thisinvolving,asIneedscarcelystress,notonlyscarlettightsbutaprettyfrightfulfalsebeard.

Rummy,you'lladmit.However,onemasksone'sfeelings.Ibetrayednovulgarastonishment,but,asIsay,what-hoedwithcivilnonchalance.

Hegrinnedthroughthefungus—rathersheepishly,Ithought.

"Oh,hullo,Bertie."

"LongtimesinceIsawyou.Haveaspot?"

"No,thanks.Imustbeoffinaminute.IjustcameroundtoaskJeeveshowhethoughtIlooked.HowdoyouthinkIlook,Bertie?"

Well,theanswertothat,ofcourse,was"perfectlyfoul".ButweWoostersaremenoftactandhaveanicesenseoftheobligationsofahost.Wedonottelloldfriendsbeneathourroof-treethattheyareanoffencetotheeyesight.Ievadedthequestion.

"Ihearyou'reinLondon,"Isaidcarelessly.

"Oh,yes."

"Mustbeyearssinceyoucameup."

"Oh,yes."

"Andnowyou'reoffforanevening'spleasure."

Heshudderedabit.Hehad,Inoticed,ahuntedair.

"Pleasure!"

"Aren'tyoulookingforwardtothisroutorrevel?"

"Oh,Isupposeit'llbeallright,"hesaid,inatonelessvoice."Anyway,Ioughttobeoff,Isuppose.Thethingstartsroundabouteleven.Itoldmycabtowait....Willyouseeifit'sthere,Jeeves?"

"Verygood,sir."

Therewassomethingofapauseafterthedoorhadclosed.Acertainconstraint.Imixedmyselfabeaker,whileGussie,agluttonforpunishment,staredathimselfinthemirror.FinallyIdecidedthatitwouldbebesttolethimknowthatIwasabreastofhisaffairs.Itmightbethatitwouldeasehismindtoconfideinasympatheticmanofexperience.Ihavegenerallyfound,withthoseundertheinfluence,thatwhattheywantmorethananythingisthelisteningear.

"Well,Gussie,oldleper,"Isaid,"I'vebeenhearingallaboutyou."

"Eh?"

"Thislittletroubleofyours.Jeeveshastoldmeeverything."

Hedidn'tseemanytoobraced.It'salwaysdifficulttobesure,ofcourse,whenachaphasdughimselfinbehindaMephistophelesbeard,butIfancyheflushedatrifle.

"IwishJeeveswouldn'tgogassingallovertheplace.Itwassupposedtobeconfidential."

Icouldnotpermitthistone.

"Dishingupthedirttotheyoungmastercanscarcelybedescribedasgassingallovertheplace,"Isaid,withatouchofrebuke."Anyway,thereitis.Iknowall.AndIshouldliketobegin,"Isaid,sinkingmypersonalopinionthatthefemaleinquestionwasasloppypestinmydesiretobuckandencourage,"bysayingthatMadelineBassettisacharminggirl.Awinner,andjustthesortforyou."

"Youdon'tknowher?"

"CertainlyIknowher.Whatbeatsmeishowyouevergotintouch.Wheredidyoumeet?"

"ShewasstayingataplacenearmineinLincolnshiretheweekbeforelast."

"Yes,butevenso.Ididn'tknowyoucalledontheneighbours."

"Idon't.Imetheroutforawalkwithherdog.Thedoghadgotathorninitsfoot,andwhenshetriedtotakeitout,itsnappedather.So,ofcourse,Ihadtorallyround."

"Youextractedthethorn?"

"Yes."

"Andfellinloveatfirstsight?"

"Yes."

"Well,dashit,withathinglikethattogiveyouasend-off,whydidn'tyoucashinimmediately?"

"Ihadn'tthenerve."

"Whathappened?"

"Wetalkedforabit."

"Whatabout?"

"Oh,birds."

"Birds?Whatbirds?"

"Thebirdsthathappenedtobehanginground.Andthescenery,andallthatsortofthing.AndshesaidshewasgoingtoLondon,andaskedmetolookherupifIwaseverthere."

"Andevenafterthatyoudidn'tsomuchaspressherhand?"

"Ofcoursenot."

Well,Imean,itlookedasthoughtherewasnomoretobesaid.Ifachapissucharabbitthathecan'tgetactionwhenhe'shandedthethingonaplate,his

casewouldappeartobeprettyhopeless.Nevertheless,Iremindedmyselfthatthisnon-starterandIhadbeenatschooltogether.Onemustmakeaneffortforanoldschoolfriend.

"Ah,well,"Isaid,"wemustseewhatcanbedone.Thingsmaybrighten.Atanyrate,youwillbegladtolearnthatIambehindyouinthisenterprise.YouhaveBertramWoosterinyourcorner,Gussie."

"Thanks,oldman.AndJeeves,ofcourse,whichisthethingthatreallymatters."

Idon'tmindadmittingthatIwinced.Hemeantnoharm,Isuppose,butI'mboundtosaythatthistactlessspeechnettledmenotalittle.Peoplearealwaysnettlingmelikethat.Givingmetounderstand,Imeantosay,thatintheiropinionBertramWoosterisamerecipherandthattheonlymemberofthehouseholdwithbrainsandresourcesisJeeves.

Itjarsonme.

Andtonightitjarredonmemorethanusual,becauseIwasfeelingprettydashedfedwithJeeves.Overthatmatterofthemessjacket,Imean.True,Ihadforcedhimtoclimbdown,quellinghim,asdescribed,withthequietstrengthofmypersonality,butIwasstillatrifleshirtyathishavingbroughtthethingupatall.ItseemedtomethatwhatJeeveswantedwastheironhand.

"Andwhatishedoingaboutit?"Iinquiredstiffly.

"He'sbeengivingthepositionofaffairsalotofthought."

"Hehas,hashe?"

"It'sonhisadvicethatI'mgoingtothisdance."

"Why?"

"Sheisgoingtobethere.Infact,itwasshewhosentmetheticketofinvitation.AndJeevesconsidered——"

"AndwhynotasaPierrot?"Isaid,takingupthepointwhichhadstruckmebefore."Whythisbreakwithagrandoldtradition?"

"HeparticularlywantedmetogoasMephistopheles."

Istarted.

"Hedid,didhe?Hespecificallyrecommendedthatdefinitecostume?"

"Yes."

"Ha!"

"Eh?"

"Nothing.Just'Ha!'"

AndI'lltellyouwhyIsaid"Ha!"HerewasJeevesmakingheavyweatheraboutmewearingaperfectlyordinarywhitemessjacket,agarmentnotonlytoutcequ'ilyadechic,butabsolutelyderigueur,andinthesamebreath,asyoumightsay,incitingGussieFink-NottletobeablotontheLondonsceneinscarlettights.Ironical,what?Onelooksaskanceatthissortofin-and-outrunning.

"WhathashegotagainstPierrots?"

"Idon'tthinkheobjectstoPierrotsasPierrots.ButinmycasehethoughtaPierrotwouldn'tbeadequate."

"Idon'tfollowthat."

"HesaidthatthecostumeofPierrot,whilepleasingtotheeye,lackedtheauthorityoftheMephistophelescostume."

"Istilldon'tgetit."

"Well,it'samatterofpsychology,hesaid."

Therewasatimewhenaremarklikethatwouldhavehadmesnookered.ButlongassociationwithJeeveshasdevelopedtheWoostervocabularyconsiderably.Jeeveshasalwaysbeenawhaleforthepsychologyoftheindividual,andInowfollowhimlikeabloodhoundwhenhesnapsitoutofthebag.

"Oh,psychology?"

"Yes.Jeevesisagreatbelieverinthemoraleffectofclothes.HethinksImightbeemboldenedinastrikingcostumelikethis.HesaidaPirateChiefwouldbejustasgood.Infact,aPirateChiefwashisfirstsuggestion,butIobjectedtotheboots."

Isawhispoint.ThereisenoughsadnessinlifewithouthavingfellowslikeGussieFink-Nottlegoingaboutinseaboots.

"Andareyouemboldened?"

"Well,tobeabsolutelyaccurate,Bertie,oldman,no."

Agustofcompassionshookme.Afterall,thoughwehadlosttouchabitofrecentyears,thismanandIhadoncethrowninkeddartsateachother.

"Gussie,"Isaid,"takeanoldfriend'sadvice,anddon'tgowithinamileofthisbinge."

"Butit'smylastchanceofseeingher.She'sofftomorrowtostaywithsomepeopleinthecountry.Besides,youdon'tknow."

"Don'tknowwhat?"

"ThatthisideaofJeeves'swon'twork.Ifeelamostfrightfulchumpnow,yes,butwhocansaywhetherthatwillnotpassoffwhenIgetintoamobofotherpeopleinfancydress.Ihadthesameexperienceasachild,oneyearduringtheChristmasfestivities.Theydressedmeupasarabbit,andtheshamewasindescribable.YetwhenIgottothepartyandfoundmyselfsurroundedbyscoresofotherchildren,manyincostumesevenghastlierthanmyown,Iperkedupamazingly,joinedfreelyintherevels,andwasabletoeatsoheartyasupperthatIwassicktwiceinthecabcominghome.WhatImeanis,youcan'ttellincoldblood."

Iweighedthis.Itwasspecious,ofcourse.

"Andyoucan'tgetawayfromitthat,fundamentally,Jeeves'sideaissound.InastrikingcostumelikeMephistopheles,Imightquiteeasilypulloffsomethingprettyimpressive.Colourdoesmakeadifference.Lookatnewts.Duringthecourtingseasonthemalenewtisbrilliantlycoloured.Ithelpshimalot."

"Butyouaren'tamalenewt."

"IwishIwere.Doyouknowhowamalenewtproposes,Bertie?Hejuststandsinfrontofthefemalenewtvibratinghistailandbendinghisbodyinasemi-circle.Icoulddothatonmyhead.No,youwouldn'tfindmegrousingifIwereamalenewt."

"Butifyouwereamalenewt,MadelineBassettwouldn'tlookatyou.Notwiththeeyeoflove,Imean."

"Shewould,ifshewereafemalenewt."

"Butsheisn'tafemalenewt."

"No,butsupposeshewas."

"Well,ifshewas,youwouldn'tbeinlovewithher."

"Yes,Iwould,ifIwereamalenewt."

Aslightthrobbingaboutthetemplestoldmethatthisdiscussionhadreachedsaturationpoint.

"Well,anyway,"Isaid,"comingdowntohardfactsandcuttingoutallthisvisionarystuffaboutvibratingtailsandwhatnot,thesalientpointthatemergesisthatyouarebookedtoappearatafancy-dressball.AndItellyououtofmyriperknowledgeoffancy-dressballs,Gussie,thatyouwon'tenjoyyourself."

"Itisn'taquestionofenjoyingyourself."

"Iwouldn'tgo."

"Imustgo.Ikeeptellingyoushe'sofftothecountrytomorrow."

Igaveitup.

"Sobeit,"Isaid."Haveityourownway....Yes,Jeeves?"

"Mr.Fink-Nottle'scab,sir."

"Ah?Thecab,eh?...Yourcab,Gussie."

"Oh,thecab?Oh,right.Ofcourse,yes,rather....Thanks,Jeeves...Well,solong,Bertie."

AndgivingmethesortofweaksmileRomangladiatorsusedtogivetheEmperorbeforeenteringthearena,Gussietrickledoff.AndIturnedtoJeeves.Themomenthadarrivedforputtinghiminhisplace,andIwasallforit.

Itwasalittledifficulttoknowhowtobegin,ofcourse.Imeantosay,whilefirmlyresolvedtotickhimoff,Ididn'twanttogashhisfeelingstoodeeply.Evenwhendisplayingtheironhand,weWoostersliketokeepthethingfairlymatey.

However,onconsideration,Isawthattherewasnothingtobegainedbytryingtoleaduptoitgently.Itisneveranyusebeatingabouttheb.

"Jeeves,"Isaid,"mayIspeakfrankly?"

"Certainly,sir."

"WhatIhavetosaymaywoundyou."

"Notatall,sir."

"Well,then,IhavebeenhavingachatwithMr.Fink-Nottle,andhehasbeentellingmeaboutthisMephistophelesschemeofyours."

"Yes,sir?"

"Nowletmegetitstraight.IfIfollowyourreasoningcorrectly,youthinkthat,stimulatedbybeingupholsteredthroughoutinscarlettights,Mr.Fink-Nottle,onencounteringtheadoredobject,willvibratehistailandgenerallylethimselfgowithawhoop."

"Iamofopinionthathewilllosemuchofhisnormaldiffidence,sir."

"Idon'tagreewithyou,Jeeves."

"No,sir?"

"No.Infact,nottoputtoofineapointuponit,Iconsiderthatofallthedashedsilly,drivellingideasIeverheardinmypuffthisisthemostblitheringandfutile.Itwon'twork.Notachance.AllyouhavedoneistosubjectMr.

Fink-Nottletothenamelesshorrorsofafancy-dressballfornothing.Andthisisnotthefirsttimethissortofthinghashappened.Tobequitecandid,Jeeves,Ihavefrequentlynoticedbeforenowatendencyordispositiononyourparttobecome—what'stheword?"

"Icouldnotsay,sir."

"Eloquent?No,it'snoteloquent.Elusive?No,it'snotelusive.It'sonthetipofmytongue.Beginswithan'e'andmeansbeingajollysighttooclever."

"Elaborate,sir?"

"ThatistheexactwordIwasafter.Tooelaborate,Jeeves—thatiswhatyouarefrequentlypronetobecome.Yourmethodsarenotsimple,notstraightforward.Youcloudtheissuewithalotoffancystuffthatisnotoftheessence.AllthatGussieneedsistheelder-brotherlyadviceofaseasonedmanoftheworld.SowhatIsuggestisthatfromnowonwardyouleavethiscasetome."

"Verygood,sir."

"Youlayoffanddevoteyourselftoyourdutiesaboutthehome."

"Verygood,sir."

"Ishallnodoubtthinkofsomethingquitesimpleandstraightforwardyetperfectlyeffectiveerelong.IwillmakeapointofseeingGussietomorrow."

"Verygood,sir."

"Rightho,Jeeves."

Butonthemorrowallthosetelegramsstartedcomingin,andIconfessthatfortwenty-fourhoursIdidn'tgivethepoorchapathought,havingproblemsofmyowntocontendwith.

-3-

Thefirstofthetelegramsarrivedshortlyafternoon,andJeevesbroughtitinwiththebefore-luncheonsnifter.ItwasfrommyAuntDahlia,operatingfromMarketSnodsbury,asmalltownofsortsamileortwoalongthemainroadasyouleavehercountryseat.

Itranasfollows:

Comeatonce.Travers.

AndwhenIsayitpuzzledmelikethedickens,Iamunderstatingit;if

anything.Asmysteriousacommunication,Iconsidered,aswaseverflashedoverthewires.IstudieditinaprofoundreverieforthebestpartoftwodryMartinisandadividend.Ireaditbackwards.Ireaditforwards.Asamatteroffact,Ihaveasortofrecollectionofevensmellingit.Butitstillbaffledme.

Considerthefacts,Imean.ItwasonlyafewhourssincethisauntandIhadparted,afterbeinginconstantassociationfornearlytwomonths.Andyethereshewas—withmyfarewellkissstilllingeringonhercheek,sotospeak—pleadingforanotherreunion.BertramWoosterisnotaccustomedtothisgluttonousappetiteforhissociety.Askanyonewhoknowsme,andtheywilltellyouthataftertwomonthsofmycompany,whatthenormalpersonfeelsisthatthatwillaboutdoforthepresent.Indeed,Ihaveknownpeoplewhocouldn'tstickitoutformorethanafewdays.

Beforesittingdowntothewell-cooked,therefore,Isentthisreply:

Perplexed.Explain.Bertie.

TothisIreceivedananswerduringtheafter-luncheonsleep:

Whatonearthistheretobeperplexedabout,ass?Comeatonce.Travers.

Threecigarettesandacoupleofturnsabouttheroom,andIhadmyresponseready:

Howdoyoumeancomeatonce?Regards.Bertie.

Iappendthecomeback:

Imeancomeatonce,youmaddeninghalf-wit.WhatdidyouthinkImeant?Comeatonceorexpectanaunt'scursefirstposttomorrow.Love.Travers.

Ithendispatchedthefollowingmessage,wishingtogeteverythingquiteclear:

Whenyousay"Come"doyoumean"CometoBrinkleyCourt"?Andwhenyousay"Atonce"doyoumean"Atonce"?Fogged.Ataloss.Allthebest.Bertie.

IsentthisoneoffonmywaytotheDrones,whereIspentarestfulafternoonthrowingcardsintoatop-hatwithsomeofthebetterelement.Returningintheeveninghush,Ifoundtheanswerwaitingforme:

Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes,yes,yes.Itdoesn'tmatterwhetheryouunderstandornot.Youjustcomeatonce,asItellyou,andforheaven'ssakestopthisback-chat.DoyouthinkIammadeofmoneythatIcanaffordtosendyoutelegramseverytenminutes.Stopbeingafatheadandcomeimmediately.Love.Travers.

ItwasatthispointthatIfelttheneedofgettingasecondopinion.Ipressedthebell.

"Jeeves,"Isaid,"aV-shapedrumminesshasmanifesteditselffromthedirectionofWorcestershire.Readthese,"Isaid,handinghimthepapersinthecase.

Hescannedthem.

"Whatdoyoumakeofit,Jeeves?"

"IthinkMrs.Traverswishesyoutocomeatonce,sir."

"Yougatherthattoo,doyou?"

"Yes,sir."

"Iputthesameconstructiononthething.Butwhy,Jeeves?Dashitall,she'sjusthadnearlytwomonthsofme."

"Yes,sir."

"Andmanypeopleconsiderthemediumdoseforanadulttwodays."

"Yes,sir.Iappreciatethepointyouraise.Nevertheless,Mrs.Traversappearsveryinsistent.Ithinkitwouldbewelltoacquiesceinherwishes."

"Popdown,youmean?"

"Yes,sir."

"Well,Icertainlycan'tgoatonce.I'veanimportantconferenceonattheDronestonight.PongoTwistleton'sbirthdayparty,youremember."

"Yes,sir."

Therewasaslightpause.Wewerebothrecallingthelittleunpleasantnessthathadarisen.Ifeltobligedtoalludetoit.

"You'reallwrongaboutthatmessjacket,Jeeves."

"Thesethingsaremattersofopinion,sir."

"WhenIworeitattheCasinoatCannes,beautifulwomennudgedoneanotherandwhispered:'Whoishe?'"

"ThecodeatContinentalcasinosisnotoriouslylax,sir."

"AndwhenIdescribedittoPongolastnight,hewasfascinated."

"Indeed,sir?"

"Sowerealltherestofthosepresent.OneandalladmittedthatIhadgotholdofagoodthing.Notadissentientvoice."

"Indeed,sir?"

"Iamconvincedthatyouwilleventuallylearntolovethismess-jacket,Jeeves."

"Ifearnot,sir."

Igaveitup.ItisneveranyusetryingtoreasonwithJeevesontheseoccasions."Pig-headed"isthewordthatspringstothelips.Onesighsandpasseson.

"Well,anyway,returningtotheagenda,Ican'tgodowntoBrinkleyCourtoranywhereelseyetawhile.That'sfinal.I'lltellyouwhat,Jeeves.Givemeformandpencil,andI'llwireherthatI'llbewithhersometimenextweekortheweekafter.Dashitall,sheoughttobeabletoholdoutwithoutmeforafewdays.Itonlyrequireswillpower."

"Yes,sir."

"Rightho,then.I'llwire'Expectmetomorrowfortnight'orwordstosomesucheffect.Thatoughttomeetthecase.Thenifyouwilltoddleroundthecornerandsenditoff,thatwillbethat."

"Verygood,sir."

AndsothelongdayworeontillitwastimeformetodressforPongo'sparty.

Pongohadassuredme,whilechattingoftheaffaironthepreviousnight,thatthisbirthdaybingeofhiswastobeonascalecalculatedtostaggerhumanity,andImustsayIhaveparticipatedinlessfruityfunctions.ItwaswellafterfourwhenIgothome,andbythattimeIwasaboutreadytoturnin.Icanjustremembergropingforthebedandcrawlingintoit,anditseemedtomethatthelemonhadscarcelytouchedthepillowbeforeIwasarousedbythesoundofthedooropening.

Iwasbarelytickingover,butIcontrivedtoraiseaneyelid.

"Isthatmytea,Jeeves?"

"No,sir.ItisMrs.Travers."

Andamomentlatertherewasasoundlikeamightyrushingwind,andtherelativehadcrossedthethresholdatfiftym.p.h.underherownsteam.

-4-

IthasbeenwellsaidofBertramWoosterthat,whilenooneviewshisfleshandbloodwithakeenerandmoreremorselesslycriticaleye,heisneverthelessamanwhodelightsingivingcreditwherecreditisdue.Andifyouhavefollowedthesememoirsofminewiththepropercare,youwillbeawarethatIhavefrequentlyhadoccasiontoemphasisethefactthatAuntDahliaisallright.

Sheistheone,ifyouremember,whomarriedoldTomTraversensecondesnoces,asIbelievetheexpressionis,theyearBluebottlewontheCambridgeshire,andonceinducedmetowriteanarticleonWhattheWell-DressedManisWearingforthatpapersheruns—Milady'sBoudoir.Sheisalarge,genialsoul,withwhomitisapleasuretohob-nob.Inherspiritualmake-upthereisnoneofthatsubtlegosh-awfulnesswhichrenderssuchanexhibitas,say,myAuntAgathathecurseoftheHomeCountiesandamenacetooneandall.IhavethehighestesteemforAuntDahlia,andhaveneverwaveredinmycordialappreciationofherhumanity,sportingqualitiesandgeneralgood-eggishness.

Thisbeingso,youmayconceiveofmyastonishmentatfindingheratmybedsideatsuchanhour.Imeantosay,I'vestayedatherplacemanyatimeandoft,andsheknowsmyhabits.SheiswellawarethatuntilIhavehadmycupofteainthemorning,Idonotreceive.Thiscrashinginatamomentwhensheknewthatsolitudeandreposewereoftheessencewasscarcely,Icouldnotbutfeel,thegoodoldform.

Besides,whatbusinesshadshebeinginLondonatall?ThatwaswhatIaskedmyself.Whenaconscientioushousewifehasreturnedtoherhomeafteranabsenceofsevenweeks,onedoesnotexpecthertostartracingoffagainthedayafterherarrival.Onefeelsthatsheoughttobestickinground,ministeringtoherhusband,conferringwiththecook,feedingthecat,combingandbrushingthePomeranian—inaword,stayingput.Iwasmorethanalittlebleary-eyed,butIendeavoured,asfarasthefactthatmyeyelidsweremoreorlessgluedtogetherwouldpermit,togiveheranaustereandcensoriouslook.

Shedidn'tseemtogetit.

"Wakeup,Bertie,youoldass!"shecried,inavoicethathitmebetweentheeyebrowsandwentoutatthebackofmyhead.

IfAuntDahliahasafault,itisthatsheisapttoaddressavis-à-visasifheweresomebodyhalfamileawaywhomshehadobservedridingoverhounds.Athrowback,nodoubt,tothetimewhenshecountedthedaylostthatwasnotspentinchivvyingsomeunfortunatefoxoverthecountryside.

Igaveheranotheroftheaustereandcensorious,andthistimeitregistered.Alltheeffectithad,however,wastocausehertodescendtopersonalities.

"Don'tblinkatmeinthatobsceneway,"shesaid."Iwonder,Bertie,"sheproceeded,gazingatmeasIshouldimagineGussiewouldhavegazedatsomenewtthatwasnotuptosample,"ifyouhavethefaintestconceptionhowperfectlyloathsomeyoulook?Acrossbetweenanorgysceneinthemoviesandsomelowformofpondlife.Isupposeyouwereoutonthetileslastnight?"

"Iattendedasocialfunction,yes,"Isaidcoldly."PongoTwistleton'sbirthdayparty.Icouldn'tletPongodown.Noblesseoblige."

"Well,getupanddress."

IfeltIcouldnothaveheardheraright.

"Getupanddress?"

"Yes."

Iturnedonthepillowwithalittlemoan,andatthisjunctureJeevesenteredwiththevitaloolong.Iclutchedatitlikeadrowningmanatastrawhat.Adeepsiportwo,andIfelt—Iwon'tsayrestored,becauseabirthdaypartylikePongoTwistleton'sisn'tathingyougetrestoredafterwithameremouthfuloftea,butsufficientlytheoldBertramtobeabletobendthemindonthisawfulthingwhichhadcomeuponme.

AndthemoreIbentsame,thelesscouldIgraspthetrendofthescenario.

"Whatisthis,AuntDahlia?"Iinquired.

"Itlookstomeliketea,"washerresponse."Butyouknowbest.You'redrinkingit."

IfIhadn'tbeenafraidofspillingthehealingbrew,IhavelittledoubtthatIshouldhavegivenanimpatientgesture.IknowIfeltlikeit.

"Notthecontentsofthiscup.Allthis.Yourbarginginandtellingmetogetupanddress,andallthatrot."

"I'vebargedin,asyoucallit,becausemytelegramsseemedtoproducenoeffect.AndItoldyoutogetupanddressbecauseIwantyoutogetupanddress.I'vecometotakeyoubackwithme.Ilikeyourcrust,wiringthatyouwouldcomenextyearorwheneveritwas.You'recomingnow.I'vegotajobforyou."

"ButIdon'twantajob."

"Whatyouwant,mylad,andwhatyou'regoingtogetaretwoverydifferentthings.Thereisman'sworkforyoutodoatBrinkleyCourt.Bereadytothelastbuttonintwentyminutes."

"ButIcan'tpossiblybereadytoanybuttonsintwentyminutes.I'mfeeling

awful."

Sheseemedtoconsider.

"Yes,"shesaid."Isupposeit'sonlyhumanetogiveyouadayortwotorecover.Allright,then,Ishallexpectyouonthethirtiethatthelatest."

"But,dashit,whatisallthis?Howdoyoumean,ajob?Whyajob?Whatsortofajob?"

"I'lltellyouifyou'llonlystoptalkingforaminute.It'squiteaneasy,pleasantjob.Youwillenjoyit.HaveyoueverheardofMarketSnodsburyGrammarSchool?"

"Never."

"It'sagrammarschoolatMarketSnodsbury."

ItoldheralittlefrigidlythatIhaddivinedasmuch.

"Well,howwasItoknowthatamanwithamindlikeyourswouldgraspitsoquickly?"sheprotested."Allright,then.MarketSnodsburyGrammarSchoolis,asyouhaveguessed,thegrammarschoolatMarketSnodsbury.I'moneofthegovernors."

"Youmeanoneofthegovernesses."

"Idon'tmeanoneofthegovernesses.Listen,ass.TherewasaboardofgovernorsatEton,wasn'tthere?Verywell.SothereisatMarketSnodsburyGrammarSchool,andI'mamemberofit.Andtheyleftthearrangementsforthesummerprize-givingtome.Thisprize-givingtakesplaceonthelast—orthirty-first—dayofthismonth.Haveyougotthatclear?"

Itookanotheroz.ofthelife-savingandinclinedmyhead.EvenafteraPongoTwistletonbirthdayparty,Iwascapableofgraspingsimplefactslikethese.

"Ifollowyou,yes.Iseethepointyouaretryingtomake,certainly.Market...Snodsbury...GrammarSchool...Boardofgovernors...Prize-giving....Quite.Butwhat'sitgottodowithme?"

"You'regoingtogiveawaytheprizes."

Igoggled.Herwordsdidnotappeartomakesense.Theyseemedthemereaimlessvapouringofanauntwhohasbeensittingoutinthesunwithoutahat.

"Me?"

"You."

Igoggledagain.

"Youdon'tmeanme?"

"Imeanyouinperson."

Igoggledathirdtime.

"You'repullingmyleg."

"Iamnotpullingyourleg.Nothingwouldinducemetotouchyourbeastlyleg.Thevicarwastohaveofficiated,butwhenIgothomeIfoundaletterfromhimsayingthathehadstrainedafetlockandmustscratchhisnomination.YoucanimaginethestateIwasin.Itelephonedallovertheplace.Nobodywouldtakeiton.AndthensuddenlyIthoughtofyou."

Idecidedtocheckallthisrotattheoutset.NobodyismoreeagertoobligedeservingauntsthanBertramWooster,buttherearelimits,andsharplydefinedlimits,atthat.

"SoyouthinkI'mgoingtostrewprizesatthisballyDotheboysHallofyours?"

"Ido."

"Andmakeaspeech?"

"Exactly."

Ilaughedderisively.

"Forgoodness'sake,don'tstartgarglingnow.Thisisserious."

"Iwaslaughing."

"Oh,wereyou?Well,I'mgladtoseeyoutakingitinthismerryspirit."

"Derisively,"Iexplained."Iwon'tdoit.That'sfinal.Isimplywillnotdoit."

"Youwilldoit,youngBertie,orneverdarkenmydoorsagain.Andyouknowwhatthatmeans.NomoreofAnatole'sdinnersforyou."

Astrongshuddershookme.Shewasalludingtoherchef,thatsuperbartist.Amonarchofhisprofession,unsurpassed—nay,unequalled—atdishinguptherawmaterialsothatitmeltedinthemouthoftheultimateconsumer,AnatolehadalwaysbeenamagnetthatdrewmetoBrinkleyCourtwithmytonguehangingout.ManyofmyhappiestmomentshadbeenthosewhichIhadspentchampingthisgreatman'sroastsandragouts,andtheprospectofbeingbarredfromdiggingintotheminthefuturewasanumbingone.

"No,Isay,dashit!"

"Ithoughtthatwouldrattleyou.Greedyyoungpig."

"Greedyyoungpigshavenothingtodowithit,"Isaidwithatouchofhauteur."Oneisnotagreedyyoungpigbecauseoneappreciatesthecookingofagenius."

"Well,IwillsayIlikeitmyself,"concededtherelative."Butnotanotherbiteofitdoyouget,ifyourefusetodothissimple,easy,pleasantjob.No,notsomuchasanothersniff.Soputthatinyourtwelve-inchcigarette-holderandsmokeit."

Ibegantofeellikesomewildthingcaughtinasnare.

"Butwhydoyouwantme?Imean,whatamI?Askyourselfthat."

"Ioftenhave."

"Imeantosay,I'mnotthetype.Youhavetohavesometerrificnibtogiveawayprizes.Iseemtoremember,whenIwasatschool,itwasgenerallyaprimeministerorsomebody."

"Ah,butthatwasatEton.AtMarketSnodsburywearen'tnearlysochoosy.Anybodyinspatsimpressesus."

"Whydon'tyougetUncleTom?"

"UncleTom!"

"Well,whynot?He'sgotspats."

"Bertie,"shesaid,"IwilltellyouwhynotUncleTom.YouremembermelosingallthatmoneyatbaccaratatCannes?Well,veryshortlyIshallhavetosidleuptoTomandbreakthenewstohim.If,rightafterthat,IaskhimtoputonlavenderglovesandatopperanddistributetheprizesatMarketSnodsburyGrammarSchool,therewillbeadivorceinthefamily.Hewouldpinanotetothepincushionandbeofflikearabbit.No,mylad,you'reforit,soyoumayaswellmakethebestofit."

"But,AuntDahlia,listentoreason.Iassureyou,you'vegotholdofthewrongman.I'mhopelessatagamelikethat.AskJeevesaboutthetimeIgotluggedintoaddressagirls'school.Imadethemostcolossalassofmyself."

"AndIconfidentlyanticipatethatyouwillmakeanequallycolossalassofyourselfonthethirty-firstofthismonth.That'swhyIwantyou.ThewayIlookatitisthat,asthethingisboundtobeafrost,anyway,onemayaswellgetaheartylaughoutofit.Ishallenjoyseeingyoudistributethoseprizes,Bertie.Well,Iwon'tkeepyou,as,nodoubt,youwanttodoyourSwedishexercises.Ishallexpectyouinadayortwo."

Andwiththeseheartlesswordsshebeetledoff,leavingmeapreytothegloomiestemotions.WhatwiththenaturalreactionafterPongo'spartyandthisstunningblow,itisnottoomuchtosaythatthesoulwasseared.

AndIwasstillwrithinginthedepths,whenthedooropenedandJeevesappeared.

"Mr.Fink-Nottletoseeyou,sir,"heannounced.

-5-

Igavehimoneofmylooks.

"Jeeves,"Isaid,"Ihadscarcelyexpectedthisofyou.YouareawarethatIwasuptoanadvancedhourlastnight.YouknowthatIhavebarelyhadmytea.YoucannotbeignorantoftheeffectofthatheartyvoiceofAuntDahlia'sonamanwithaheadache.AndyetyoucomebringingmeFink-Nottles.IsthisatimeforFinkoranyotherkindofNottle?"

"Butdidyounotgivemetounderstand,sir,thatyouwishedtoseeMr.Fink-Nottletoadvisehimonhisaffairs?"

This,Iadmit,openedupanewlineofthought.Inthestressofmyemotions,IhadcleanforgottenabouthavingtakenGussie'sinterestsinhand.Italteredthings.Onecan'tgivetheraspberrytoaclient.Imean,youdidn'tfindSherlockHolmesrefusingtoseeclientsjustbecausehehadbeenoutlatethenightbeforeatDoctorWatson'sbirthdayparty.Icouldhavewishedthatthemanhadselectedsomemoresuitablehourforapproachingme,butasheappearedtobeasortofhumanlark,leavinghiswaterynestatdaybreak,IsupposedIhadbettergivehimanaudience.

"True,"Isaid."Allright.Bunghimin."

"Verygood,sir."

"Butbeforedoingso,bringmeoneofthosepick-me-upsofyours."

"Verygood,sir."

Andpresentlyhereturnedwiththevitalessence.

Ihavehadoccasion,Ifancy,tospeakbeforenowofthesepick-me-upsofJeeves'sandtheireffectonafellowwhoishangingtolifebyathreadonthemorningafter.Whattheyconsistof,Icouldn'ttellyou.Hesayssomekindofsauce,theyolkofaraweggandadashofredpepper,butnothingwillconvincemethatthethingdoesn'tgomuchdeeperthanthat.Bethatasitmay,however,theresultsofswallowingoneareamazing.

Forperhapsthesplitpartofasecondnothinghappens.ItisasthoughallNaturewaitedbreathless.Then,suddenly,itisasiftheLastTrumphad

soundedandJudgmentDaysetinwithunusualseverity.

Bonfiresburstoutinallinpartsoftheframe.Theabdomenbecomesheavilychargedwithmoltenlava.Agreatwindseemstoblowthroughtheworld,andthesubjectisawareofsomethingresemblingasteamhammerstrikingthebackofthehead.Duringthisphase,theearsringloudly,theeyeballsrotateandthereisatinglingaboutthebrow.

Andthen,justasyouarefeelingthatyououghttoringupyourlawyerandseethatyouraffairsareinorderbeforeitistoolate,thewholesituationseemstoclarify.Thewinddrops.Theearsceasetoring.Birdstwitter.Brassbandsstartplaying.Thesuncomesupoverthehorizonwithajerk.

Andamomentlaterallyouareconsciousofisagreatpeace.

AsIdrainedtheglassnow,newlifeseemedtoburgeonwithinme.IrememberJeeves,who,howevermuchhemaygoofftherailsattimesinthematterofdressclothesandinhisadvicetothoseinlove,hasalwayshadaneatturnofphrase,oncespeakingofsomeonerisingonstepping-stonesofhisdeadselftohigherthings.Itwasthatwaywithmenow.IfeltthattheBertramWoosterwholayproppedupagainstthepillowshadbecomeabetter,stronger,finerBertram.

"Thankyou,Jeeves,"Isaid.

"Notatall,sir."

"Thattouchedtheexactspot.Iamnowabletocopewithlife'sproblems."

"Iamgratifiedtohearit,sir."

"WhatmadnessnottohavehadoneofthosebeforetacklingAuntDahlia!However,toolatetoworryaboutthatnow.TellmeofGussie.Howdidhemakeoutatthefancy-dressball?"

"Hedidnotarriveatthefancy-dressball,sir."

Ilookedathimabitausterely.

"Jeeves,"Isaid,"Iadmitthatafterthatpick-me-upofyoursIfeelbetter,butdon'ttrymetoohigh.Don'tstandbymysickbedtalkingabsoluterot.WeshotGussieintoacabandhestartedforth,headedforwhereverthisfancy-dressballwas.Hemusthavearrived."

"No,sir.AsIgatherfromMr.Fink-Nottle,heenteredthecabconvincedinhismindthattheentertainmenttowhichhehadbeeninvitedwastobeheldatNo.17,SuffolkSquare,whereastheactualrendezvouswasNo.71,NorfolkTerrace.Theseaberrationsofmemoryarenotuncommonwiththosewho,likeMr.Fink-Nottle,belongessentiallytowhatonemightcallthedreamer-type."

"Onemightalsocallitthefatheadedtype."

"Yes,sir."

"Well?"

"OnreachingNo.17,SuffolkSquare,Mr.Fink-Nottleendeavouredtoproducemoneytopaythefare."

"Whatstoppedhim?"

"Thefactthathehadnomoney,sir.Hediscoveredthathehadleftit,togetherwithhisticketofinvitation,onthemantelpieceofhisbedchamberinthehouseofhisuncle,wherehewasresiding.Biddingthecabmantowait,accordingly,herangthedoor-bell,andwhenthebutlerappeared,requestedhimtopaythecab,addingthatitwasallright,ashewasoneoftheguestsinvitedtothedance.Thebutlerthendisclaimedallknowledgeofadanceonthepremises."

"Anddeclinedtounbelt?"

"Yes,sir."

"Uponwhich——"

"Mr.Fink-Nottledirectedthecabmantodrivehimbacktohisuncle'sresidence."

"Well,whywasn'tthatthehappyending?Allhehadtodowasgoin,collectcashandticket,andtherehewouldhavebeen,onvelvet."

"Ishouldhavementioned,sir,thatMr.Fink-Nottlehadalsolefthislatchkeyonthemantelpieceofhisbedchamber."

"Hecouldhaverungthebell."

"Hedidringthebell,sir,forsomefifteenminutes.Attheexpirationofthatperiodherecalledthathehadgivenpermissiontothecaretaker—thehousewasofficiallyclosedandallthestaffonholiday—tovisithissailorsonatPortsmouth."

"Golly,Jeeves!"

"Yes,sir."

"Thesedreamertypesdolive,don'tthey?"

"Yes,sir."

"Whathappenedthen?"

"Mr.Fink-Nottleappearstohaverealizedatthispointthathispositionasregardsthecabmanhadbecomeequivocal.Thefiguresontheclockhad

alreadyreachedasubstantialsum,andhewasnotinapositiontomeethisobligations."

"Hecouldhaveexplained."

"Youcannotexplaintocabmen,sir.Onendeavouringtodoso,hefoundthefellowscepticalofhisbonafides."

"Ishouldhaveleggedit."

"ThatisthepolicywhichappearstohavecommendeditselftoMr.Fink-Nottle.Hedartedrapidlyaway,andthecabman,endeavouringtodetainhim,snatchedathisovercoat.Mr.Fink-Nottlecontrivedtoextricatehimselffromthecoat,anditwouldseemthathisappearanceinthemasqueradecostumebeneathitcameassomethingofashocktothecabman.Mr.Fink-Nottleinformsmethatheheardaspeciesofwhistlinggasp,and,lookinground,observedthemancrouchingagainsttherailingswithhishandsoverhisface.Mr.Fink-Nottlethinkshewaspraying.Nodoubtanuneducated,superstitiousfellow,sir.Possiblyadrinker."

"Well,ifhehadn'tbeenonebefore,I'llbethestartedbeingoneshortlyafterwards.Iexpecthecouldscarcelywaitforthepubstoopen."

"Verypossibly,inthecircumstanceshemighthavefoundarestorativeagreeable,sir."

"Andso,inthecircumstances,mightGussietoo,Ishouldthink.Whatonearthdidhedoafterthat?Londonlateatnight—oreveninthedaytime,forthatmatter—isnoplaceforamaninscarlettights."

"No,sir."

"Heinvitescomment."

"Yes,sir."

"Icanseethepooroldbirdduckingdownside-streets,skulkinginalley-ways,divingintodust-bins."

"IgatheredfromMr.Fink-Nottle'sremarks,sir,thatsomethingverymuchonthoselineswaswhatoccurred.Eventually,afteratryingnight,hefoundhiswaytoMr.Sipperley'sresidence,wherehewasabletosecurelodgingandachangeofcostumeinthemorning."

Inestledagainstthepillows,thebrowabitdrawn.Itisallverywelltotrytodooldschoolfriendsaspotofgood,butIcouldnotbutfeelthatinespousingthecauseofalunkheadcapableofmuckingthingsupasGussiehaddone,Ihadtakenonacontractalmosttoobigforhumanconsumption.ItseemedtomethatwhatGussieneededwasnotsomuchtheadviceofaseasonedmanoftheworldasapaddedcellinColneyHatchandacoupleof

goodkeeperstoseethathedidnotsettheplaceonfire.

Indeed,foraninstantIhadhalfamindtowithdrawfromthecaseandhanditbacktoJeeves.ButtheprideoftheWoostersrestrainedme.WhenweWoostersputourhandstotheplough,wedonotreadilysheathethesword.Besides,afterthatbusinessofthemess-jacket,anythingresemblingweaknesswouldhavebeenfatal.

"Isupposeyourealize,Jeeves,"Isaid,forthoughonedislikestorubitin,thesethingshavetobepointedout,"thatallthiswasyourfault?"

"Sir?"

"It'snogoodsaying'Sir?'Youknowitwas.Ifyouhadnotinsistedonhisgoingtothatdance—amadproject,asIspottedfromthefirst—thiswouldnothavehappened."

"Yes,sir,butIconfessIdidnotanticipate——"

"Alwaysanticipateeverything,Jeeves,"Isaid,alittlesternly."Itistheonlyway.EvenifyouhadallowedhimtowearaPierrotcostume,thingswouldnothavepannedoutastheydid.APierrotcostumehaspockets.However,"Iwentonmorekindly,"weneednotgointothatnow.Ifallthishasshownyouwhatcomesofgoingabouttheplaceinscarlettights,thatissomethinggained.Gussiewaitswithout,yousay?"

"Yes,sir."

"Thenshoothimin,andIwillseewhatIcandoforhim."

-6-

Gussie,onarrival,provedtobestillshowingtracesofhisgrimexperience.Thefacewaspale,theeyesgooseberry-like,theearsdrooping,andthewholeaspectthatofamanwhohaspassedthroughthefurnaceandbeencaughtinthemachinery.Ihitchedmyselfupabithigheronthepillowsandgazedathimnarrowly.Itwasamoment,Icouldsee,whenfirstaidwasrequired,andIpreparedtogetdowntocases.

"Well,Gussie."

"Hullo,Bertie."

"Whatho."

"Whatho."

Thesecivilitiesconcluded,Ifeltthatthemomenthadcometotouchdelicatelyonthepast.

"Ihearyou'vebeenthroughitabit."

"Yes."

"ThankstoJeeves."

"Itwasn'tJeeves'sfault."

"EntirelyJeeves'sfault."

"Idon'tseethat.Iforgotmymoneyandlatchkey——"

"Andnowyou'dbetterforgetJeeves.Foryouwillbeinterestedtohear,Gussie,"Isaid,deemingitbesttoputhimintouchwiththepositionofaffairsrightaway,"thatheisnolongerhandlingyourlittleproblem."

Thisseemedtoslipitacrosshimproperly.Thejawsfell,theearsdroopedmorelimply.Hehadbeenlookinglikeadeadfish.Henowlookedlikeadeaderfish,oneoflastyear's,castuponsomelonelybeachandleftthereatthemercyofthewindandtides.

"What!"

"Yes."

"Youdon'tmeanthatJeevesisn'tgoingto——"

"No."

"But,dashit——"

Iwaskind,butfirm.

"Youwillbemuchbetteroffwithouthim.SurelyyourterribleexperiencesofthatawfulnighthavetoldyouthatJeevesneedsarest.Thekeenestofthinkersstrikesabadpatchoccasionally.ThatiswhathashappenedtoJeeves.Ihaveseenitcomingonforsometime.Hehaslosthisform.Hewantshisplugsdecarbonized.Nodoubtthisisashocktoyou.Isupposeyoucameherethismorningtoseekhisadvice?"

"OfcourseIdid."

"Onwhatpoint?"

"MadelineBassetthasgonetostaywiththesepeopleinthecountry,andIwanttoknowwhathethinksIoughttodo."

"Well,asIsay,Jeevesisoffthecase."

"But,Bertie,dashit——"

"Jeeves,"Isaidwithacertainasperity,"isnolongeronthecase.Iamnowinsolecharge."

"Butwhatonearthcanyoudo?"

Icurbedmyresentment.WeWoostersarefair-minded.WecanmakeallowancesformenwhohavebeenparadingLondonallnightinscarlettights.

"That,"Isaidquietly,"weshallsee.Sitdownandletusconfer.Iamboundtosaythethingseemsquitesimpletome.Yousaythisgirlhasgonetovisitfriendsinthecountry.Itwouldappearobviousthatyoumustgotheretoo,andflockroundherlikeapoultice.Elementary."

"ButIcan'tplantmyselfonalotofperfectstrangers."

"Don'tyouknowthesepeople?"

"OfcourseIdon't.Idon'tknowanybody."

Ipursedthelips.Thisdidseemtocomplicatematterssomewhat.

"AllthatIknowisthattheirnameisTravers,andit'saplacecalledBrinkleyCourtdowninWorcestershire."

Iunpursedmylips.

"Gussie,"Isaid,smilingpaternally,"itwasaluckydayforyouwhenBertramWoosterinterestedhimselfinyouraffairs.AsIforesawfromthestart,Icanfixeverything.ThisafternoonyoushallgotoBrinkleyCourt,anhonouredguest."

Hequiveredlikeamousse.Isupposeitmustalwaysberatherathrillingexperienceforthenovicetowatchmetakinghold.

"But,Bertie,youdon'tmeanyouknowtheseTraverses?"

"TheyaremyAuntDahlia."

"Mygosh!"

"Youseenow,"Ipointedout,"howluckyyouweretogetmebehindyou.YougotoJeeves,andwhatdoeshedo?Hedressesyouupinscarlettightsandoneofthefoulestfalsebeardsofmyexperience,andsendsyouofftofancy-dressballs.Result,agonyofspiritandnoprogress.Ithentakeoverandputyouontherightlines.CouldJeeveshavegotyouintoBrinkleyCourt?Notachance.AuntDahliaisn'thisaunt.Imerelymentionthesethings."

"ByJove,Bertie,Idon'tknowhowtothankyou."

"Mydearchap!"

"But,Isay."

"Nowwhat?"

"WhatdoIdowhenIgetthere?"

"IfyouknewBrinkleyCourt,youwouldnotaskthatquestion.Inthoseromanticsurroundingsyoucan'tmiss.GreatloversthroughtheageshavefixedupthepreliminaryformalitiesatBrinkley.Theplaceissimplyillwithatmosphere.Youwillstrollwiththegirlintheshadywalks.Youwillsitwithherontheshadylawns.Youwillrowonthelakewithher.Andgraduallyyouwillfindyourselfworkinguptoapointwhere——"

"ByJove,Ibelieveyou'reright."

"Ofcourse,I'mright.I'vegotengagedthreetimesatBrinkley.Nobusinessresulted,butthefactremains.AndIwenttherewithoutthefoggiestideaofindulginginthetenderpash.Ihadn'ttheslightestintentionofproposingtoanybody.YetnosoonerhadIenteredthoseromanticgroundsthanIfoundmyselfreachingoutforthenearestgirlinsightandslappingmysouldowninfrontofher.It'ssomethingintheair."

"Iseeexactlywhatyoumean.That'sjustwhatIwanttobeabletodo—workuptoit.AndinLondon—cursetheplace—everything'sinsucharushthatyoudon'tgetachance."

"Quite.Youseeagirlaloneforaboutfiveminutesaday,andifyouwanttoaskhertobeyourwife,you'vegottochargeintoitasifyouweretryingtograbthegoldringonamerry-go-round."

"That'sright.Londonrattlesone.Ishallbeadifferentmanaltogetherinthecountry.WhatabitofluckthisTraverswomanturningouttobeyouraunt."

"Idon'tknowwhatyoumean,turningouttobemyaunt.Shehasbeenmyauntallalong."

"Imean,howextraordinarythatitshouldbeyourauntthatMadeline'sgoingtostaywith."

"Notatall.SheandmyCousinAngelaareclosefriends.AtCannesshewaswithusallthetime."

"Oh,youmetMadelineatCannes,didyou?ByJove,Bertie,"saidthepoorlizarddevoutly,"IwishIcouldhaveseenheratCannes.Howwonderfulshemusthavelookedinbeachpyjamas!Oh,Bertie——"

"Quite,"Isaid,alittledistantly.EvenwhenrestoredbyoneofJeeves'sdepthbombs,onedoesn'twantthissortofthingafterahardnight.Itouchedthebelland,whenJeevesappeared,requestedhimtobringmetelegraphformandpencil.Ithenwroteawell-wordedcommunicationtoAuntDahlia,

informingherthatIwassendingmyfriend,AugustusFink-Nottle,downtoBrinkleytodaytoenjoyherhospitality,andhandedittoGussie.

"Pushthatinatthefirstpostofficeyoupass,"Isaid."Shewillfinditwaitingforheronherreturn."

Gussiepoppedalong,flappingthetelegramandlookinglikeaclose-upofJoanCrawford,andIturnedtoJeevesandgavehimaprécisofmyoperations.

"Simple,youobserve,Jeeves.Nothingelaborate."

"No,sir."

"Nothingfar-fetched.Nothingstrainedorbizarre.JustNature'sremedy."

"Yes,sir."

"Thisistheattackasitshouldhavebeendelivered.Whatdoyoucallitwhentwopeopleofoppositesexesarebungedtogetherincloseassociationinasecludedspot,meetingeachothereverydayandseeingalotofeachother?"

"Is'propinquity'thewordyouwish,sir?"

"Itis.Istakeeverythingonpropinquity,Jeeves.Propinquity,inmyopinion,iswhatwilldothetrick.Atthemoment,asyouareaware,Gussieisamerejellywheninthepresence.Butaskyourselfhowhewillfeelinaweekorso,afterheandshehavebeenhelpingthemselvestosausagesoutofthesamedishdayafterdayatthebreakfastsideboard.Cuttingthesameham,ladlingoutcommunalkidneysandbacon—why——"

Ibrokeoffabruptly.Ihadhadoneofmyideas.

"Golly,Jeeves!"

"Sir?"

"Here'saninstanceofhowyouhavetothinkofeverything.Youheardmementionsausages,kidneysandbaconandham."

"Yes,sir."

"Well,theremustbenothingofthat.Fatal.Thewrongnoteentirely.Givemethattelegraphformandpencil.ImustwarnGussiewithoutdelay.Whathe'sgottodoistocreateinthisgirl'smindtheimpressionthatheispiningawayforloveofher.Thiscannotbedonebywolfingsausages."

"No,sir."

"Verywell,then."

And,takingformandp.,Idraftedthefollowing:

Fink-Nottle

BrinkleyCourt,

MarketSnodsbury

Worcestershire

Layoffthesausages.Avoidtheham.Bertie.

"Sendthatoff,Jeeves,instanter."

"Verygood,sir."

Isankbackonthepillows.

"Well,Jeeves,"Isaid,"youseehowIamtakinghold.YounoticethegripIamgettingonthiscase.Nodoubtyourealizenowthatitwouldpayyoutostudymymethods."

"Nodoubt,sir."

"Andevennowyouaren'tontothefulldepthsoftheextraordinarysagacityI'veshown.DoyouknowwhatbroughtAuntDahliaupherethismorning?ShecametotellmeI'dgottodistributetheprizesatsomebeastlyseminaryshe'sagovernorofdownatMarketSnodsbury."

"Indeed,sir?Ifearyouwillscarcelyfindthatacongenialtask."

"Ah,butI'mnotgoingtodoit.I'mgoingtoshoveitoffontoGussie."

"Sir?"

"Ipropose,Jeeves,towiretoAuntDahliasayingthatIcan'tgetdown,andsuggestingthatsheunleasheshimontheseyoungBorstalinmatesofhersinmystead."

"ButifMr.Fink-Nottleshoulddecline,sir?"

"Decline?Canyouseehimdeclining?Justconjureupthepictureinyourmind,Jeeves.Scene,thedrawing-roomatBrinkley;Gussiewedgedintoacorner,withAuntDahliastandingoverhimmakinghuntingnoises.Iputittoyou,Jeeves,canyouseehimdeclining?"

"Notreadily,sir.Iagree.Mrs.Traversisaforcefulpersonality."

"Hewon'thaveahopeofdeclining.Hisonlywayoutwouldbetoslideoff.Andhecan'tslideoff,becausehewantstobewithMissBassett.No,Gussiewillhavetotoetheline,andIshallbesavedfromajobatwhichIconfessthesoulshuddered.Gettinguponaplatformanddeliveringashort,manlyspeechtoalotoffoulschool-kids!Golly,Jeeves.I'vebeenthroughthatsortofthingonce,what?Yourememberthattimeatthegirls'school?"

"Veryvividly,sir."

"WhatanassImadeofmyself!"

"CertainlyIhaveseenyoutobetteradvantage,sir."

"Ithinkyoumightbringmejustonemoreofthosedynamitespecialsofyours,Jeeves.Thisnarrowsqueakhasmademecomeoverallfaint."

IsupposeitmusthavetakenAuntDahliathreehoursorsotogetbacktoBrinkley,becauseitwasn'ttillwellafterlunchthathertelegramarrived.Itreadlikeatelegramthathadbeendispatchedinawhite-hotsurgeofemotionsometwominutesaftershehadreadmine.

Asfollows:

Amtakinglegaladvicetoascertainwhetherstranglinganidiotnephewcountsasmurder.Ifitdoesn'tlookoutforyourself.Consideryourconductfrozenlimit.Whatdoyoumeanbyplantingyourloathsomefriendsonmelikethis?DoyouthinkBrinkleyCourtisalepercolonyorwhatisit?WhoisthisSpink-Bottle?Love.Travers.

Ihadexpectedsomesuchinitialreaction.Irepliedintemperatevein:

NotBottle.Nottle.Regards.Bertie.

Almostimmediatelyaftershehaddispatchedtheaboveheartcry,Gussiemusthavearrived,foritwasn'ttwentyminuteslaterwhenIreceivedthefollowing:

Ciphertelegramsignedbyyouhasreachedmehere.Runs"Layoffthesausages.Avoidtheham."Wirekeyimmediately.Fink-Nottle.

Ireplied:

Alsokidneys.Cheerio.Bertie.

IhadstakedallonGussiemakingafavourableimpressiononhishostess,basingmyconfidenceonthefactthathewasoneofthosetimid,obsequious,teacup-passing,thin-bread-and-butter-offeringyes-menwhomwomenofmyAuntDahlia'stypenearlyalwayslikeatfirstsight.ThatIhadnotoverratedmyacumenwasprovedbyhernextinorder,which,Iwaspleasedtonote,assayedamarkedlylargerpercentageofthemilkofhumankindness.

Asfollows:

Well,thisfriendofyourshasgothere,andImustsaythatforafriendofyoursheseemslesssub-humanthanIhadexpected.Abitofapop-eyedbleater,butonthewholecleanandcivil,andcertainlymostinformativeaboutnewts.Amconsideringarrangingseriesoflecturesforhiminneighbourhood.AllthesameIlikeyournerveusingmyhouseasasummer-hotelresortandshallhavemuchtosaytoyouonsubjectwhenyoucomedown.Expectyou

thirtieth.Bringspats.Love.Travers.

TothisIriposted:

OnconsultingengagementbookfindimpossiblecomeBrinkleyCourt.Deeplyregret.Toodle-oo.Bertie.

Hersinreplystuckasinisternote:

Oh,soit'slikethat,isit?Youandyourengagementbook,indeed.Deeplyregretmyfoot.Letmetellyou,mylad,thatyouwillregretitajollysightmoredeeplyifyoudon'tcomedown.Ifyouimagineforonemomentthatyouaregoingtogetoutofdistributingthoseprizes,youareverymuchmistaken.DeeplyregretBrinkleyCourthundredmilesfromLondon,asunablehityouwithabrick.Love.Travers.

Ithenputmyfortunetothetest,towinorloseitall.Itwasnotamomentforpettyeconomies.Iletmyselfgoregardlessofexpense:

No,butdashit,listen.Honestly,youdon'twantme.GetFink-Nottledistributeprizes.Aborndistributor,whowilldoyoucredit.ConfidentlyanticipateAugustusFink-NottleasMasterofRevelsonthirty-firstinst.wouldmakegenuinesensation.Donotmissthisgreatchance,whichmayneveroccuragain.Tinkerty-tonk.Bertie.

Therewasanhourofbreathlesssuspense,andthenthejoyfultidingsarrived:

Well,allright.Somethinginwhatyousay,Isuppose.Consideryoutreacherouswormandcontemptible,spinelesscowardlycustard,buthavebookedSpink-Bottle.Staywhereyouare,then,andIhopeyougetrunoverbyanomnibus.Love.Travers.

Therelief,asyoumaywellimagine,wasstupendous.Agreatweightseemedtohaverolledoffmymind.ItwasasifsomebodyhadbeenpouringJeeves'spick-me-upsintomethroughafunnel.IsangasIdressedfordinnerthatnight.AttheDronesIwassogayandcheerythattherewereseveralcomplaints.AndwhenIgothomeandturnedintotheoldbed,Ifellasleeplikealittlechildwithinfiveminutesofinsertingthepersonbetweenthesheets.Itseemedtomethatthewholedistressingaffairmightnowbeconsidereddefinitelyclosed.

Conceivemyastonishment,therefore,whenwakingonthemorrowandsittinguptodigintothemorningtea-cup,Ibeheldonthetrayanothertelegram.

Myheartsank.CouldAuntDahliahavesleptonitandchangedhermind?CouldGussie,unabletofacetheordealconfrontinghim,haveleggeditduringthenightdownawater-pipe?Withthesespeculationsracingthroughthebean,

ItoreopentheenvelopeAndasInotedcontentsIutteredastartledyip.

"Sir?"saidJeeves,pausingatthedoor.

Ireadthethingagain.Yes,Ihadgotthegistallright.No,Ihadnotbeendeceivedinthesubstance.

"Jeeves,"Isaid,"doyouknowwhat?"

"No,sir."

"YouknowmycousinAngela?"

"Yes,sir."

"YouknowyoungTuppyGlossop?"

"Yes,sir."

"They'vebrokenofftheirengagement."

"Iamsorrytohearthat,sir."

"IhavehereacommunicationfromAuntDahlia,specificallystatingthis.Iwonderwhattherowwasabout."

"Icouldnotsay,sir."

"Ofcourseyoucouldn't.Don'tbeanass,Jeeves."

"No,sir."

Ibrooded.Iwasdeeplymoved.

"Well,thismeansthatweshallhavetogodowntoBrinkleytoday.AuntDahliaisobviouslyallofatwitter,andmyplaceisbyherside.Youhadbetterpackthismorning,andcatchthat12.45trainwiththeluggage.Ihavealunchengagement,sowillfollowinthecar."

"Verygood,sir."

Ibroodedsomemore.

"Imustsaythishascomeasagreatshocktome,Jeeves."

"Nodoubt,sir."

"Averygreatshock.AngelaandTuppy....Tut,tut!Why,theyseemedlikethepaperonthewall.Lifeisfullofsadness,Jeeves."

"Yes,sir."

"Still,thereitis."

"Undoubtedly,sir."

"Rightho,then.Switchonthebath."

"Verygood,sir."

-7-

ImeditatedprettyfreelyasIdrovedowntoBrinkleyintheoldtwo-seaterthatafternoon.ThenewsofthisriftorruptureofAngela'sandTuppy'shaddisturbedmegreatly.

Theprojectedmatch,yousee,wasoneonwhichIhadalwayslookedwithkindlyapproval.Toooften,whenachapofyouracquaintanceisplanningtomarryagirlyouknow,youfindyourselfknittingthebrowabitandchewingthelowerlipdubiously,feelingthatheorshe,orboth,shouldbewarnedwhilethereisyettime.

ButIhaveneverfeltanythingofthisnatureaboutTuppyandAngela.Tuppy,whennotmakinganassofhimself,isasoundishsortofegg.SoisAngelaasoundishsortofegg.And,asfarasbeinginlovewasconcerned,ithadalwaysseemedtomethatyouwouldn'thavebeenfaroutindescribingthemastwoheartsthatbeatasone.

True,theyhadhadtheirlittletiffs,notablyontheoccasionwhenTuppy—withwhathesaidwasfearlesshonestyandIconsideredthoroughgoofiness—hadtoldAngelathathernewhatmadeherlooklikeaPekingese.Butineveryromanceyouhavetobudgetfortheoccasionaldust-up,andafterthatincidentIhadsupposedthathehadlearnedhislessonandthatfromthenonlifewouldbeonegrand,sweetsong.

Andnowthiswhollyunforeseenseveringofdiplomaticrelationshadpoppedupthroughatrap.

IgavethethingthecreamoftheWoosterbrainallthewaydown,butitcontinuedtobeatmewhatcouldhavecausedtheoutbreakofhostilities,andIbungedmyfootsedulouslyontheacceleratorinordertogettoAuntDahliawiththegreatestpossiblespeedandlearntheinsidehistorystraightfromthehorse'smouth.Andwhatwithallsixcylindershittingnicely,Imadegoodtimeandfoundmyselfclosetedwiththerelativeshortlybeforethehouroftheeveningcocktail.

Sheseemedgladtoseeme.Infact,sheactuallysaidshewasgladtoseeme—astatementnootherauntonthelistwouldhavecommittedherselfto,thecustomaryreactionofthesenearanddearonestothespectacleofBertramarrivingforavisitbeingasortofsickhorror.

"Decentofyoutorallyround,Bertie,"shesaid.

"Myplacewasbyyourside,AuntDahlia,"Iresponded.

Icouldseeatag.thattheunfortunateaffairhadgotinamongstherinnouncertainmanner.Herusuallycheerfulmapwasclouded,andthegenialsmileconspic.byitsa.Ipressedherhandsympathetically,toindicatethatmyheartbledforher.

"Badshowthis,mydearoldfleshandblood,"Isaid."I'mafraidyou'vebeenhavingastickytime.Youmustbeworried."

Shesnortedemotionally.Shelookedlikeanauntwhohasjustbittenintoabadoyster.

"Worriedisright.Ihaven'thadapeacefulmomentsinceIgotbackfromCannes.EversinceIputmyfootacrossthisblastedthreshold,"saidAuntDahlia,returningforthenoncetotheheartyargotofthehuntingfield,"everything'sbeenatsixesandsevens.Firsttherewasthatmix-upabouttheprize-giving."

Shepausedatthispointandgavemealook."Ihadbeenmeaningtospeakfreelytoyouaboutyourbehaviourinthatmatter,Bertie,"shesaid."Ihadsomegoodthingsallstoredup.But,asyou'veralliedroundlikethis,IsupposeIshallhavetoletyouoff.And,anyway,itisprobablyallforthebestthatyouevadedyourobligationsinthatsickeninglycravenway.IhaveanideathatthisSpink-Bottleofyoursisgoingtobegood.Ifonlyhecankeepoffnewts."

"Hashebeentalkingaboutnewts?"

"Hehas.Fixingmewithaglitteringeye,liketheAncientMariner.ButifthatwastheworstIhadtobear,Iwouldn'tmind.WhatI'mworryingaboutiswhatTomsayswhenhestartstalking."

"UncleTom?"

"Iwishtherewassomethingelseyoucouldcallhimexcept'UncleTom',"saidAuntDahliaalittletestily."Everytimeyoudoit,Iexpecttoseehimturnblackandstartplayingthebanjo.Yes,UncleTom,ifyoumusthaveit.Ishallhavetotellhimsoonaboutlosingallthatmoneyatbaccarat,and,whenIdo,hewillgouplikearocket."

"Still,nodoubtTime,thegreathealer——"

"Time,thegreathealer,beblowed.I'vegottogetachequeforfivehundredpoundsoutofhimforMilady'sBoudoirbyAugustthethirdatthelatest."

Iwasconcerned.Apartfromanephew'snaturalinterestinanaunt'srefinedweeklypaper,IhadalwayshadasoftspotinmyheartforMilady'sBoudoir

eversinceIcontributedthatarticletoitonWhattheWell-DressedManisWearing.Sentimental,possibly,butweoldjournalistsdohavethesefeelings.

"IstheBoudoirontherocks?"

"ItwillbeifTomdoesn'tcoughup.Itneedshelptillithasturnedthecorner."

"Butwasn'titturningthecornertwoyearsago?"

"Itwas.Andit'sstillatit.Tillyou'verunaweeklypaperforwomen,youdon'tknowwhatcornersare."

"Andyouthinkthechancesofgettingintouncle—intomyunclebymarriage'sribsareslight?"

"I'lltellyou,Bertie.Uptillnow,whenthesesubsidieswererequired,IhavealwaysbeenabletocometoTominthegay,confidentspiritofanonlychildtouchinganindulgentfatherforchocolatecream.Buthe'sjusthadademandfromtheincome-taxpeopleforanadditionalfifty-eightpounds,oneandthreepence,andallhe'sbeentalkingaboutsinceIgotbackhasbeenruinandthesinistertrendofsocialisticlegislationandwhatwillbecomeofusall."

Icouldreadilybelieveit.ThisTomhasapeculiarityI'venoticedinotherveryoofymen.Nickhimforthepaltriestsum,andheletsoutasquawkyoucanhearatLand'sEnd.Hehasthestuffingobs,buthehatesgivingup.

"Ifitwasn'tforAnatole'scooking,Idoubtifhewouldbothertocarryon.ThankGodforAnatole,Isay."

Ibowedmyheadreverently.

"GoodoldAnatole,"Isaid.

"Amen,"saidAuntDahlia.

Thenthelookofholyecstasy,whichisalwaystheresultoflettingtheminddwell,howeverbriefly,onAnatole'scooking,diedoutofherface.

"Butdon'tletmewanderfromthesubject,"sheresumed."Iwastellingyouofthewayhell'sfoundationshavebeenquiveringsinceIgothome.Firsttheprize-giving,thenTom,andnow,ontopofeverythingelse,thisinfernalquarrelbetweenAngelaandyoungGlossop."

Inoddedgravely."Iwasfrightfullysorrytohearofthat.Terribleshock.Whatwastherowabout?"

"Sharks."

"Eh?"

"Sharks.Or,rather,oneindividualshark.Thebrutethatwentforthepoor

childwhenshewasaquaplaningatCannes.YourememberAngela'sshark?"

CertainlyIrememberedAngela'sshark.Amanofsensibilitydoesnotforgetaboutacousinnearlybeingchewedbymonstersofthedeep.Theepisodewasstillgreeninmymemory.

Inanutshell,whathadoccurredwasthis:Youknowhowyouaquaplane.Amotor-boatnipsonahead,trailingarope.Youstandonaboard,holdingtherope,andtheboattowsyoualong.Andeverynowandthenyouloseyourgripontheropeandplungeintotheseaandhavetoswimtoyourboardagain.

Asillyprocessithasalwaysseemedtome,thoughmanyfinditdiverting.

Well,ontheoccasionreferredto,Angelahadjustregainedherboardaftertakingatoss,whenagreatbeastlysharkcamealongandcannonedintoit,flingingherintothesaltyoncemore.Ittookherquiteabitoftimetogetonagainandmakethemotor-boatchaprealizewhatwasupandhaulhertosafety,andduringthatintervalyoucanreadilypictureherembarrassment.

AccordingtoAngela,thefinnydenizenkeptsnappingatheranklesvirtuallywithoutcessation,sothatbythetimehelparrived,shewasfeelingmorelikeasaltedalmondatapublicdinnerthananythinghuman.Veryshakenthepoorchildhadbeen,Irecall,andhadtalkedofnothingelseforweeks.

"Irememberthewholeincidentvividly,"Isaid."Buthowdidthatstartthetrouble?"

"Shewastellinghimthestorylastnight."

"Well?"

"Hereyesshiningandherlittlehandsclaspedingirlishexcitement."

"Nodoubt."

"Andinsteadofgivinghertheunderstandingandsympathytowhichshewasentitled,whatdoyouthinkthisblastedGlossopdid?Hesatlisteninglikealumpofdough,asifshehadbeentalkingabouttheweather,andwhenshehadfinished,hetookhiscigaretteholderoutofhismouthandsaid,'Iexpectitwasonlyafloatinglog'!"

"Hedidn't!"

"Hedid.AndwhenAngeladescribedhowthethinghadjumpedandsnappedather,hetookhiscigaretteholderoutofhismouthagain,andsaid,'Ah!Probablyaflatfish.Quiteharmless.Nodoubtitwasjusttryingtoplay.'Well,Imean!WhatwouldyouhavedoneifyouhadbeenAngela?Shehaspride,sensibility,allthenaturalfeelingsofagoodwoman.Shetoldhimhewasanassandafoolandanidiot,anddidn'tknowwhathewastalking

about."

ImustsayIsawthegirl'sviewpoint.It'sonlyaboutonceinalifetimethatanythingsensationaleverhappenstoone,andwhenitdoes,youdon'twantpeopletakingallthecolouroutofit.Irememberatschoolhavingtoreadthatstuffwherethatchap,Othello,tellsthegirlwhatahellofatimehe'dbeenhavingamongthecannibalsandwhatnot.Well,imaginehisfeelingsif,afterhehaddescribedsomeparticularlystickypassagewithacannibalchiefandwaswaitingfortheawestruck"Oh-h!Notreally?",shehadsaidthatthewholethinghadnodoubtbeengreatlyexaggeratedandthatthemanhadprobablyreallybeenaprominentlocalvegetarian.

Yes,IsawAngela'spointofview.

"Butdon'ttellmethatwhenhesawhowshirtyshewasaboutit,thechumpdidn'tbackdown?"

"Hedidn't.Heargued.Andonethingledtoanotheruntil,byeasystages,theyhadarrivedatthepointwhereshewassayingthatshedidn'tknowifhewasawareofit,butifhedidn'tknockoffstarchyfoodsanddoexerciseseverymorning,hewouldbegettingasfatasapig,andhewastalkingaboutthismodernhabitofgirlsputtingmake-upontheirfaces,ofwhichhehadalwaysdisapproved.Thiscontinuedforawhile,andthentherewasaloudpopandtheairwasfullofmangledfragmentsoftheirengagement.I'mdistractedaboutit.Thankgoodnessyou'vecome,Bertie."

"Nothingcouldhavekeptmeaway,"Ireplied,touched."Ifeltyouneededme."

"Yes."

"Quite."

"Or,rather,"shesaid,"notyou,ofcourse,butJeeves.Theminuteallthishappened,Ithoughtofhim.ThesituationobviouslycriesoutforJeeves.Ifeverinthewholehistoryofhumanaffairstherewasamomentwhenthatloftybrainwasrequiredaboutthehome,thisisit."

Ithink,ifIhadbeenstandingup,Iwouldhavestaggered.Infact,I'mprettysureIwould.Butitisn'tsodashedeasytostaggerwhenyou'resittinginanarm-chair.Onlymyface,therefore,showedhowdeeplyIhadbeenstungbythesewords.

Untilshespokethem,Ihadbeenallsweetnessandlight—thesympatheticnephewpreparedtostraineverynervetodohisbit.Inowfroze,andthefacebecamehardandset.

"Jeeves!"Isaid,betweenclenchedteeth.

"Oomberoofen,"saidAuntDahlia.

Isawthatshehadgotthewrongangle.

"Iwasnotsneezing.Iwassaying'Jeeves!'"

"Andwellyoumay.Whataman!I'mgoingtoputthewholethinguptohim.There'snobodylikeJeeves."

Myfrigiditybecamemoremarked.

"Iventuretotakeissuewithyou,AuntDahlia."

"Youtakewhat?"

"Issue."

"Youdo,doyou?"

"Iemphaticallydo.Jeevesishopeless."

"What?"

"Quitehopeless.Hehaslosthisgripcompletely.OnlyacoupleofdaysagoIwascompelledtotakehimoffacasebecausehishandlingofitwassofootling.And,anyway,Iresentthisassumption,ifassumptionisthewordIwant,thatJeevesistheonlyfellowwithbrain.Iobjecttothewayeverybodyputsthingsuptohimwithoutconsultingmeandlettingmehaveastabatthemfirst."

Sheseemedabouttospeak,butIcheckedherwithagesture.

"ItistruethatinthepastIhavesometimesseenfittoseekJeeves'sadvice.ItispossiblethatinthefutureImayseekitagain.ButIclaimtherighttohaveapopattheseproblems,astheyarise,inperson,withouthavingeverybodybehaveasifJeeveswastheonlyonioninthehash.IsometimesfeelthatJeeves,thoughadmittedlynotunsuccessfulinthepast,hasbeenluckyratherthangifted."

"HaveyouandJeeveshadarow?"

"Nothingofthekind."

"Youseemtohaveitinforhim."

"Notatall."

AndyetImustadmitthattherewasamodicumoftruthinwhatshesaid.Ihadbeenfeelingprettyaustereaboutthemanallday,andI'lltellyouwhy.

Yourememberthathecaughtthat12.45trainwiththeluggage,whileIremainedoninordertokeepaluncheonengagement.Well,justbeforeIstartedouttothetryst,Iwaspotteringabouttheflat,andsuddenly—Idon't

knowwhatputthesuspicionintomyhead,possiblythefellow'smannerhadbeenfurtive—somethingseemedtowhispertometogoandhavealookinthewardrobe.

AnditwasasIhadsuspected.Therewasthemess-jacketstillonitshanger.Thehoundhadn'tpackedit.

Well,asanybodyattheDroneswilltellyou,BertramWoosterisaprettyhardchaptooutgeneral.Ishovedthethinginabrown-paperparcelandputitinthebackofthecar,anditwasonachairinthehallnow.Butthatdidn'talterthefactthatJeeveshadattemptedtodothedirtyonme,andIsupposeacertainwhat-d'you-call-ithadcreptintomymannerduringtheaboveremarks.

"Therehasbeennobreach,"Isaid."Youmightdescribeitasapassingcoolness,butnomore.Wedidnothappentoseeeyetoeyewithregardtomywhitemess-jacketwiththebrassbuttonsandIwascompelledtoassertmypersonality.But——"

"Well,itdoesn'tmatter,anyway.Thethingthatmattersisthatyouaretalkingpiffle,youpoorfish.Jeeveslosthisgrip?Absurd.Why,Isawhimforamomentwhenhearrived,andhiseyeswereabsolutelyglitteringwithintelligence.Isaidtomyself'TrustJeeves,'andIintendto."

"YouwouldbefarbetteradvisedtoletmeseewhatIcanaccomplish,AuntDahlia."

"Forheaven'ssake,don'tyoustartbuttingin.You'llonlymakemattersworse."

"Onthecontrary,itmayinterestyoutoknowthatwhiledrivinghereIconcentrateddeeplyonthistroubleofAngela'sandwassuccessfulinformulatingaplan,basedonthepsychologyoftheindividual,whichIamproposingtoputintoeffectatanearlymoment."

"Oh,myGod!"

"Myknowledgeofhumannaturetellsmeitwillwork."

"Bertie,"saidAuntDahlia,andhermannerstruckmeasfebrile,"layoff,layoff!Forpity'ssake,layoff.Iknowtheseplansofyours.IsupposeyouwanttoshoveAngelaintothelakeandpushyoungGlossopinafterhertosaveherlife,orsomethinglikethat."

"Nothingofthekind."

"It'sthesortofthingyouwoulddo."

"Myschemeisfarmoresubtle.Letmeoutlineitforyou."

"No,thanks."

"Isaytomyself——"

"Butnottome."

"Dolistenforasecond."

"Iwon't."

"Rightho,then.Iamdumb."

"Andhavebeenfromachild."

Iperceivedthatlittlegoodcouldresultfromcontinuingthediscussion.Iwavedahandandshruggedashoulder.

"Verywell,AuntDahlia,"Isaid,withdignity,"ifyoudon'twanttobeinonthegroundfloor,thatisyouraffair.Butyouaremissinganintellectualtreat.And,anyway,nomatterhowmuchyoumaybehavelikethedeafadderofScripturewhich,asyouaredoubtlessaware,themoreonepiped,thelessitdanced,orwordstothateffect,Ishallcarryonasplanned.IamextremelyfondofAngela,andIshallsparenoefforttobringthesunshinebackintoherheart."

"Bertie,youabysmalchump,Iappealtoyouoncemore.Willyoupleaselayoff?You'llonlymakethingstentimesasbadastheyarealready."

Irememberreadinginoneofthosehistoricalnovelsonceaboutachap—abuckhewouldhavebeen,nodoubt,oramacaroniorsomesuchbirdasthat—who,whenpeoplesaidthewrongthing,merelylaugheddownfromlazyeyelidsandflickedaspeckofdustfromtheirreproachableMechlinlaceathiswrists.ThiswaspracticallywhatIdidnow.Atleast,Istraightenedmytieandsmiledoneofthoseinscrutablesmilesofmine.Ithenwithdrewandwentoutforasaunterinthegarden.

AndthefirstchapIranintowasyoungTuppy.Hisbrowwasfurrowed,andhewasmoodilybungingstonesataflowerpot.

-8-

IthinkIhavetoldyoubeforeaboutyoungTuppyGlossop.Hewasthefellow,ifyouremember,who,callouslyignoringthefactthatwehadbeenfriendssinceboyhood,bettedmeonenightattheDronesthatIcouldswingmyselfacrosstheswimmingbathbytherings—achildishfeatforoneofmylissomeness—andthen,havingseenmewellontheway,loopedbackthelastring,thusrenderingitnecessaryformetodropintothedeependinformaleveningcostume.

TosaythatIhadnotresentedthisfouldeed,whichseemedtomedeservingofthetitleofthecrimeofthecentury,wouldbepalteringwiththetruth.Ihadresenteditprofoundly,chafingnotalittleatthetimeandcontinuingtochafeforsomeweeks.

Butyouknowhowitiswiththesethings.Thewoundheals.Theagonyabates.

Iamnotsaying,mindyou,thathadtheopportunitypresenteditselfofdroppingawetspongeonTuppyfromsomehighspotorofputtinganeelinhisbedorfindingsomeotherformofself-expressionofalikenature,Iwouldnothaveembracediteagerly;butthatletmeout.Imeantosay,grievouslyinjuredthoughIhadbeen,itgavemenopleasuretofeelthatthefellow'sballylifewasbeingruinedbythelossofagirlwhom,despiteallthathadpassed,Iwasconvincedhestilllovedlikethedickens.

Onthecontrary,Iwasheartandsoulinfavourofhealingthebreachandrenderingeverythinghotsy-totsyoncemorebetweenthesetwoyoungsunderedblighters.YouwillhavegleanedthatfrommyremarkstoAuntDahlia,andifyouhadbeenpresentatthismomentandhadseenthekindlycommiseratinglookIgaveTuppy,youwouldhavegleaneditstillmore.

Itwasoneofthosesearching,meltinglooks,andwasaccompaniedbytheheartyclaspoftherighthandandthegentlelayingoftheleftonthecollar-bone.

"Well,Tuppy,oldman,"Isaid."Howareyou,oldman?"

MycommiserationdeepenedasIspokethewords,fortherehadbeennolightingupoftheeye,noansweringpressureofthepalm,nosignwhatever,inshort,ofanydispositiononhisparttodoSpringdancesatthesightofanoldfriend.Themanseemedsandbagged.Melancholy,asIrememberJeevessayingonceaboutPongoTwistletonwhenhewastryingtoknockoffsmoking,hadmarkedhimforherown.NotthatIwassurprised,ofcourse.Inthecircs.,nodoubt,acertainmoodinesswasonlynatural.

Ireleasedthehand,ceasedtokneadtheshoulder,and,producingtheoldcase,offeredhimacigarette.

Hetookitdully.

"Areyouhere,Bertie?"heasked.

"Yes,I'mhere."

"Justpassingthrough,orcometostay?"

Ithoughtforamoment.ImighthavetoldhimthatIhadarrivedatBrinkleyCourtwiththeexpressintentionofbringingAngelaandhimself

togetheroncemore,ofknittinguptheseveredthreads,andsoonandsoforth;andforperhapshalfthetimerequiredforthelightingofagasperIhadalmostdecidedtodoso.Then,Ireflected,better,onthewhole,perhapsnot.TobroadcastthefactthatIproposedtotakehimandAngelaandplayonthemasonacoupleofstringedinstrumentsmighthavebeeninjudicious.Chapsdon'talwayslikebeingplayedonasonastringedinstrument.

"Italldepends,"Isaid."Imayremain.Imaypushon.Myplansareuncertain."

Henoddedlistlessly,ratherinthemannerofamanwhodidnotgiveadamnwhatIdid,andstoodgazingoutoverthesunlitgarden.Inbuildandappearance,Tuppysomewhatresemblesabulldog,andhisaspectnowwasthatofoneofthesefineanimalswhohasjustbeenrefusedasliceofcake.Itwasnotdifficultforamanofmydiscernmenttoreadwhatwasinhismind,anditoccasionedmenosurprise,therefore,whenhisnextwordshadtodowiththesubjectmarkedwithacrossontheagendapaper.

"You'veheardofthisbusinessofmine,Isuppose?MeandAngela?"

"Ihave,indeed,Tuppy,oldman."

"We'vebustup."

"Iknow.Somelittlefriction,Igather,inreAngela'sshark."

"Yes.Isaiditmusthavebeenaflatfish."

"Somyinformanttoldme."

"Whodidyouhearitfrom?"

"AuntDahlia."

"Isupposeshecursedmeproperly?"

"Oh,no."

"Beyondreferringtoyouinonepassageas'thisblastedGlossop',shewas,Ithought,singularlytemperateinherlanguageforawomanwhoatonetimehuntedregularlywiththeQuorn.Allthesame,Icouldsee,ifyoudon'tmindmesayingso,oldman,thatshefeltyoumighthavebehavedwithalittlemoretact."

"Tact!"

"AndImustadmitIratheragreedwithher.Wasitnice,Tuppy,wasitquitekindtotakethebloomoffAngela'ssharklikethat?YoumustrememberthatAngela'ssharkisverydeartoher.Couldyounotseewhatasockonthejawitwouldbeforthepoorchildtohearitdescribedbythemantowhomshehadgivenherheartasaflatfish?"

Isawthathewasstrugglingwithsomepowerfulemotion.

"Andwhataboutmysideofthething?"hedemanded,inavoicechokedwithfeeling.

"Yourside?"

"Youdon'tsuppose,"saidTuppy,withrisingvehemence,"thatIwouldhaveexposedthisdashedsyntheticsharkfortheflatfishitundoubtedlywasiftherehadnotbeencausesthatleduptoit.WhatinducedmetospeakasIdidwasthefactthatAngela,thelittlesquirt,hadjustbeenmostoffensive,andIseizedtheopportunitytogetabitofmyownback."

"Offensive?"

"Exceedinglyoffensive.Purelyonthestrengthofmyhavingletfallsomecasualremark—simplybywayofsayingsomethingandkeepingtheconversationgoing—totheeffectthatIwonderedwhatAnatolewasgoingtogiveusfordinner,shesaidthatIwastoomaterialandoughtnotalwaystobethinkingoffood.Material,myelbow!Asamatteroffact,I'mparticularlyspiritual."

"Quite."

"Idon'tseeanyharminwonderingwhatAnatolewasgoingtogiveusfordinner.Doyou?"

"Ofcoursenot.Amereordinarytributeofrespecttoagreatartist."

"Exactly."

"Allthesame——"

"Well?"

"Iwasonlygoingtosaythatitseemsapitythatthefrailcraftofloveshouldcomeastinkerlikethiswhenafewmanlywordsofcontrition——"

Hestaredatme.

"Youaren'tsuggestingthatIshouldclimbdown?"

"Itwouldbethefine,bigthing,oldegg."

"Iwouldn'tdreamofclimbingdown."

"But,Tuppy——"

"No.Iwouldn'tdoit."

"Butyouloveher,don'tyou?"

Thistouchedthespot.Hequiverednoticeably,andhismouthtwisted.Quitethetorturedsoul.

"I'mnotsayingIdon'tlovethelittleblighter,"hesaid,obviouslymoved."Iloveherpassionately.Butthatdoesn'talterthefactthatIconsiderthatwhatsheneedsmostinthisworldisaswiftkickinthepants."

AWoostercouldscarcelypassthis."Tuppy,oldman!"

"It'snogoodsaying'Tuppy,oldman'."

"Well,Idosay'Tuppy,oldman'.Yourtoneshocksme.Oneraisestheeyebrows.Whereisthefine,old,chivalrousspiritoftheGlossops."

"That'sallrightaboutthefine,old,chivalrousspiritoftheGlossops.Whereisthesweet,gentle,womanlyspiritoftheAngelas?Tellingafellowhewasgettingadoublechin!"

"Didshedothat?"

"Shedid."

"Oh,well,girlswillbegirls.Forgetit,Tuppy.Gotoherandmakeitup."

Heshookhishead.

"No.Itistoolate.Remarkshavebeenpassedaboutmytummywhichitisimpossibletooverlook."

"But,Tummy—Tuppy,Imean—befair.YouoncetoldherhernewhatmadeherlooklikeaPekingese."

"ItdidmakeherlooklikeaPekingese.Thatwasnotvulgarabuse.Itwassound,constructivecriticism,withnomotivebehinditbutthekindlydesiretokeepherfrommakinganexhibitionofherselfinpublic.Wantonlytoaccuseamanofpuffingwhenhegoesupaflightofstairsissomethingverydifferent."

Ibegantoseethatthesituationwouldrequireallmyaddressandingenuity.IftheweddingbellswereevertoringoutinthelittlechurchofMarketSnodsbury,Bertramhadplainlygottoputinsomeshrewdishwork.Ihadgathered,duringmyconversationwithAuntDahlia,thattherehadbeenacertainamountoffrankspeechbetweenthetwocontractingparties,butIhadnotrealizedtillnowthatmattershadgonesofar.

Thepathosofthethinggavemethepip.TuppyhadadmittedinsomanywordsthatlovestillanimatedtheGlossopbosom,andIwasconvincedthat,evenafterallthatoccurred,Angelahadnotceasedtolovehim.Atthemoment,nodoubt,shemightbewishingthatshecouldhithimwithabottle,butdeepdowninherIwaspreparedtobetthattherestilllingeredalltheoldaffectionandtenderness.Onlyinjuredpridewaskeepingthesetwoapart,andIfeltthatifTuppywouldmakethefirstmove,allwouldbewell.

Ihadanotherwhackatit.

"She'sbroken-heartedaboutthisrift,Tuppy."

"Howdoyouknow?Haveyouseenher?"

"No,butI'llbetsheis."

"Shedoesn'tlookit."

"Wearingthemask,nodoubt.JeevesdoesthatwhenIassertmyauthority."

"ShewrinkleshernoseatmeasifIwereadrainthathadgotoutoforder."

"Merelythemask.Ifeelconvincedshelovesyoustill,andthatakindlywordfromyouisallthatisrequired."

Icouldseethatthishadmovedhim.Heplainlywavered.Hedidasortoftwiddlyontheturfwithhisfoot.And,whenhespoke,onespottedthetremolointhevoice:

"Youreallythinkthat?"

"Absolutely."

"H'm."

"Ifyouweretogotoher——"

Heshookhishead.

"Ican'tdothat.Itwouldbefatal.Bing,instantly,wouldgomyprestige.Iknowgirls.Grovel,andthebestofthemgetuppish."Hemused."TheonlywaytoworkthethingwouldbebytippingheroffinsomeindirectwaythatIampreparedtoopennegotiations.ShouldIsighabitwhenwemeet,doyouthink?"

"Shewouldthinkyouwerepuffing."

"That'strue."

Ilitanothercigaretteandgavemymindtothematter.Andfirstcrackoutofthebox,asissooftenthewaywiththeWoosters,Igotanidea.IrememberedthecounselIhadgivenGussieinthematterofthesausagesandham.

"I'vegotit,Tuppy.Thereisoneinfalliblemethodofindicatingtoagirlthatyouloveher,anditworksjustaswellwhenyou'vehadarowandwanttomakeitup.Don'teatanydinnertonight.Youcanseehowimpressivethatwouldbe.Sheknowshowdevotedyouaretofood."

Hestartedviolently.

"Iamnotdevotedtofood!"

"No,no."