OPERATIONAL PROTOCOLS OF THE ROBO-WINSTON BOT

By Jarred Hodgdon

INT. DIRTY APARTMENT - DAY

MAN removes a large cardboard box to reveal ROBO-WINSTON-BOT-THOUSAND, a sleek, well dressed and humanlike robot. Package popcorn spills everywhere- Man presses a button that brings the robot to life. Man relaxes into his recliner to watch.

ROBO-WINSTONSalutations. It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance, as I am your new robot butler. You have chosen to purchase a refurbished Robo-Butler-Bot-Thousand. The local county municipal code ASB3929292I requires refurbished bots such as myself to notify you of our previous ownership history. In my case I was owned by Tyrone Gullermuelle. Yes, I refer to THE Tyrone Gullermuelle that you may be familiar with through the society pages or tabloid papers. I will take liberty to confess that this young man and eccentric inheritor to the Gullermuelle millions maintained a series of substance and behavioral addictions and exhibited violent, erratic behavior. You might be surprised to know that the refurbishment process I underwent did not include a full memory wipe. Please help me by cleaning my positronic memory banks.

Robo-Winston smiles and gives a slight bow.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)But I get ahead of myself as we have not been properly introduced. My factory installed name- and the name which I prefer above all others - is Winston. However, youcan press my palm and whisper to my ear to enter file structure protocol to personalize me and code a new monicker for which to call me by.

(MORE)

Mister Gullermuelle jokingly called me Fido and sometimes even Tin-Titties. Please, try Winston on for size, I feel we’d both find it agreeable.

Robo-Winston tips his hat.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)As a refurbished butler bot I may come with a few more dings and scratches than those new butler bots...

Robo-Winston looks upwards- lost in thought.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)(sadly)

I have retained experience and knowledge that is regretful and dark - correlating directly to some of the dings and scratches you may notice on my outer body. Master Gullermuelle found use for me outside of recommended and optimized tasks such as dusting, ironing and answering the door cordially. Should you desire sparring partners or punching bags, you could connect me to your wi-fi and I would be happy to make recommendations of local dojo’s or sporting good stores.

Robo-Winston tips his hat.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)I would also greatly appreciate if you could possibly find time to download a robo-memory cleaning application- from say Norton or McAfee - to make a sweep of my positronic banks to remove some of the more unnecessary and terrible experience retentions I have stored.

Robo-Winston smiles.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)

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ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)I will again remind you I am most optimized for tasks such as retrieving mail from the box or perhaps bringing you a refreshment or snack on a silver tray. While yes it is possible to download and install a system crack which would give me certain behavioral actions such as dancing “The Robot”- such system cracks would invalidate my limited warranty. Master Gullermuelle installed such a crack and found my joints were not optimized for extensive popping and locking. It left me incapacitated when it came time to perform normal duties, such as light gardening.

Robo-Winston bows slightly.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)That is not to say we cannot have fun. It is only natural to want to entertain company with your new Robo-Butler-Bot-Thousand and I am programmed with several optimized, preferred and recommended actions for such a purpose. You and your guests could perhaps most benefit from my ability to teach others the game of cribbage, and to engage in said game.

(tense pause)Don’t pull down my pants, there is nothing of functional use to you down there... Please. Seriously. Give cribbage a chance and it should satisfy all your base, human urges for using me as entertainment.

Robo-Winston tips his hat.

ROBO-WINSTON (CONT’D)Where is this place? Why are there no windows?

Man rises from his chair and picks up jumper cables attached to a battery. They spark as he approaches Winston.

BLACKOUT

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