SAMPLE CHAPTER FROM

FORGET YOUR TROUBLES

Enjoy Your Life Today

by

Evelyn Roberts Brooks

© Copyright 2009, Evelyn Roberts Brooks

All Rights Reserved.No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in aretrieval system, or transmitted by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording,or otherwise, without written permissionfrom the author.

www.evelynbrooks.com

Your Sample Chapter...

Chapter Five

RIP OFF INFERIOR LABELSBrand Yourself with an Amazing Definition!

� Judge & Jury

Have you ever complained to yourself that someone was being "judgmental"?

A judge is supposed to impartially weigh the facts and give a wise decision. But

usually, when we talk about someone being judgmental, we never leap to a conclusion

that they've come up with a positive statement.

We know at once, that person has condemned us or another person. "He's so

judgmental! I can't stand being around him–the moment I open my mouth to speak, he's

already shaking his head, ready to tell me I'm wrong."

We judge ourselves harshly, and we let others judge us. So how do we stop the

cycle? It's always easier to see what others are doing that doesn't feel so good, than it

is to see what you are doing to them. So let's start with the easier part. Write in your

journal a quick list of descriptions you've heard about yourself at any time.

� How many "labels" do you wear?

Are you lazy, stupid, fat, short-tempered, slow to catch on, too dumb to get out of the

rain? Or, perhaps, are you cheerful, good-natured, and a quick study?

The first example is probably more similar to your list, because it's rare that the

labels we hear from others or give ourselves are positive in nature.

Labels define your behavior, your dreams, goals and abilities, usually in a

negative way.

Just as damaging as what other people say, labels are the things you say to

yourself about yourself, day in and day out.

Without pausing to consider a correct response, say three things out loud that

you believe about yourself.

How many were good attributes? Did you feel a bit guilty if you thought

something like "I'm a nice person"? Sadly, most of us were taught from a young age to

think the worst of ourselves so we don't get conceited, as if it's a helpful tool to go

through each day feeling we cannot accomplish anything we set out to do.

When someone labels you, they often start with a phrase such as, "You

always...," "You never...," and "You can't..."

Harmful labeling defines you and puts you in a category that is unfair because it

is limiting.

How can you tell when you're labeled? Because some part of you will instantly

react in protest, even if you don't say anything. You'll find yourself mulling over what the

other person said and thinking of a comeback long after the conversation ends.

� Old habits die hard

Watch out for the habits you've picked up and use in dealing with others, without

consciously noticing what you do. You may identify so completely and strongly with a

label that it becomes a part of you, and keeps you from growing.

A woman I knew through mutual friends had an autistic ten-year-old son she

spoke of often. I came across an article linking autism to diet and suggesting that a

casein-free and gluten-free diet might help with the symptoms. When I gave the article

to her, she barely glanced at the heading and said breezily: "Oh my son is just fine. We

love him the way he is!"

Not only has she placed herself in a box labeled "loving mom of an autistic boy"

but she's got him trapped in a tiny box called "autistic child who will never get better."

She refused to take the article or even consider checking with a nutritionist for further

information. Her box included a label that says, "I have all the answers and you can't

teach me anything."

� The damage of generalizing

Stop creating a Negative Doll out of your significant other, your kids, your mother-in-

law, etc. Every time you generalize with a statement such as, "He's an idiot," "She

drives all her teachers crazy," "He never helps around the house; I have to do it all or it

wouldn't get done," you glue that label onto the doll, blocking their good traits from your

awareness.

You create a shallow image of the person that you can now feel superior to

because he is a one-dimensional "problem person" without any possible solutions.

Everything you do and say to and about them will go through that filter you created.

In return, everything they say and do will come right back through the same filter.

You will never get to know or relate to the real and complex person in your life.

It's impossible to have a deeply satisfying relationship with someone you don't

know or respect.

� The narcissistic ego

Simply put, a narcissist is self-absorbed, and incapable of seeing your side of things,

including your needs, dreams and desires. Bullying goes hand in hand with narcissism,

because the narcissist must have things their own way at all times.

In general, they are highly skilled at putting on a pleasant and friendly facade so

that people will give them the praise and compliments they crave. That "narcissistic

supply," as Dr. Sam Vaknin calls it in his books and articles about narcissistic verbal

abuse, allows the bully to feel alive inside.

But it only provides temporary relief, so they have to engage your attention, day

after day in an endless cycle. Narcissists thrive in the spotlight. At first glance, you

might find it hard to believe that the great guy everyone likes so much is a hard-core

abuser behind closed doors.

For the target person caught up in the cycle with a narcissist and unaware of

how fatal it is to relationships, they enjoy the honeymoon phase when things are fun,

and they "re-enlist" instead of leaving–which is what they want to do the rest of the time

when everything is confusing and painful.

� Give yourself a Teflon coating

Do you have a "hide" made out of Velcro, so that every negative comment sticks to you,

and you believe it?

Rip off that Velcro!

Throw away all the old labels that stuck to it.

Put on a shiny new coat of Teflon–a nonstick coating so that negative labels

will not stay with you.

Develop a conscious awareness of what others say to you, and what you say to

yourself. If a message is not positive and supportive of your growth...ignore it, destroy

it, dump it in the trash bin.

Let it slide right off your Teflon coating and then stomp on it.

� Labels multiply your stress load!

Negative labels hold you back. When you start the day feeling that you are not capable

of handling your own affairs, you are entering Life's door with a grave handicap.

A key element in maximizing the positive is to stop sabotaging yourself.

Does your story include a lot of incidents where you failed at something you

really wanted to do and know you were capable of? If your mind secretly disagreed with

your stated goal, it found a way to sabotage your success.

You must get your inner and outer messages congruent with each other.

If you consciously say: "I am going to do this tax report now, and I know what I am

doing"... but your subconscious whispers: "You are such a screwup when it comes to

math and this stuff is way over your head. You need at least another month, but you

didn't allow yourself enough time and you're gonna be late yet again."... Then guess

what will happen?

Even with the best of intentions, if you believe that you will mess up, then you will

manage to do something to fulfill your inner mind's prediction.

You're a victim of bad labeling if:

; You automatically apologize even when you've done nothing wrong.

; You stop yourself from attempting something new that you really want to

do, out of fear you can't do it.

; You feel like a failure at everything.

But don't worry, you can change all that.

Shift your gears from negative to positive, just like changing gears in a car and

going from reverse to drive.

� How to reject bad labels

Maybe it came as a huge shock to realize what a long list of negative messages flourish

in your own head.

What can you do about it, when someone–usually in casual conversation–tries to

stick a negative label on you?

Don't tell yourself inside that you shouldn't pay attention. Hey, I'm telling you right

now: Don't should on yourself! That's what they are doing.

Instead, politely tell them "I don't accept that." They will probably look at you like

you're nuts. Firmly repeat the statement, change the subject, walk away if you must, but

above all, refuse to let them glue that label on you without protesting.

They have their own invisible list of labels they carry around, unawares.

It's up to you to keep them from sticking bad labels onto you.

� The power of positive self-talk

Dr. Shad Helmstetter pioneered the groundbreaking work that has helped so many

thousands of people learn about replacing negative self-talk with positive messages to

transform your life. His books and CDs are readily available at bookstores and online.

Would you like to get rid of the negative labels in your head? You have the

power to give yourself this gift and live it from now on, by replacing them with new ones

that define the best you.

Pick a personal motto or proverb that's encouraging and easy to remember. Use

it when you are stressed. Slow down and get in charge of the situation before it takes

over your preferred level of sanity and contentment.

Allow yourself to make mistakes. We learn from our errors. But don't let a

setback become an excuse for giving up completely on your goals.

� Smash the old childhood labels

Some people find that they can be aware of negative labels they've only recently

started saying to themselves, such as feeling discouraged over a new diet and getting

in the bad habit of scolding themselves with failure messages, but what about the

deeply entrenched labels that you've had all your life?

These are the things that you first heard as a child, usually at home, sometimes

said in an amused tone by the adults as they talked over your head about you...and you

absorbed the message so thoroughly that it might be hard to recognize it now for what it

is: a big fat lie.

For example, look at this scenario...

Your mom says to another mom, as you play nearby in the sandbox: "Oh,

goodness, look how dirty my little girl is getting. You should see her room. It's always a

mess. She breaks her toys all the time and never listens to me."

I'm sure you can identify several negative labels in that so-called innocent

remark. But since that other mom did nothing to refute it or set the record straight or

bring up positive qualities you have or even say it's a stage you'll outgrow...the label

welded itself to you as if you'd been born with it.

Which you weren't!

You were not born with negative labels. They are created for you...and by you.

You can rip them off and create new ones for yourself that are shiny and clean.

Referring to your list of old labels, write in your journal or a computer file all the

ways you've allowed the biggest labels to control you or to come true in your life. Then

write about all the times that you persevered in spite of the labels.

Perhaps you were called the "weakling" in the family and were protected from

playing sports or doing anything that might make you too tired. You learned to hold

back, fearful of getting hurt, thus fulfilling the message that you're delicate and sickly.

But what if you would like to build up your physical strength, play sports, go to the gym,

even take brisk walks or hikes? When family members and old friends push that

negative label button, politely say you outgrew that. Don't apologize. Don't get mad. Be

firm. Refuse to accept what they say as "true."

Work steadily to replace the old labels with positive self-talk, and if you need help

with it, investigate books available on the subject of increasing your self-esteem and

giving yourself positive feedback.

� Stop sabotaging yourself

When you get rid of negative labels, realize that nature abhors a vacuum. Don't set

yourself up to fail by making a head-on campaign to "stop procrastinating."

It's next to impossible to stop doing a negative! Instead, start taking positive

action. Push out the negative little by little, by replacing it with positive.

Recognize that it's a lifelong process. You're embarking on an amazing journey.

� But aren't some labels true?

Watch out for the labeler who insists they're telling you this nasty piece of information

for your own good, because you're not realistic enough to make the right choices on

your own without their expert guidance and wisdom.

Recognize when you're being labeled. If the noun or adjective doesn't motivate

you to reach for the stars or encourage you to meet your healthy goals, then get rid of

it.

You have enough of a challenge every day to succeed without having to

overcome your own mental roadblocks.

� Pointing out people's mistakes

There is a huge difference between destructive criticism and constructive feedback.

Have you ever found yourself resisting what someone was telling you to do, even

though part of your mind agreed they were right? Maybe the only problem was in the

telling. It can be tone, it can be choice of words, it can be body language–but when the

message comes across as correcting you because you are incompetent, then that is

negative labeling and your mind will reject it.

It adds to your stress level when someone (or your own mind) finds fault all the

time with every little thing you do. If the result is that you feel hampered in moving

forward, then you know you've just been labeled.

The challenge is that sometimes we do need to point out a mistake or have

someone correct what we've done. You can take it upon yourself to not only change the

messages you give yourself, but to guide other people in how they talk to you.

Politely interrupt and say, "If you need to show me what I need to do better with

this project, I'd appreciate it if you speak to me with respect."

Of course you'll choose the right words depending on the situation, whether

you're talking to a spouse or a supervisor. When you come to realize that you don't

deserve to be talked to with disrespect, then you will remember to use the S.M.A.R.T.

system for getting the constructive input that you need, instead of being swatted down

like a fly.

� Transform your negative labels into positive

Usually it's as simple as rewording the description to be positive and encouraging in

nature, instead of destructive.

Take your list of negative labels and flip the switch on each one –change it to a

positive message.

Make sure they are all strong statements. Replace any weak verbs and nouns

with power words that make you sit up straighter and smile.

Don't settle for ordinary ho-hum phrases like "I'm a good teacher." Notice the

difference if you say this: "I'm the best teacher in the world!"

If you constantly scold yourself: "I'm always late to work and I'll never change...."

Shift it to a confident statement of your goal: "I'm always on time to work."

Make your affirmative statement 100% positive.

Look at the difference in this example for someone who wants to quit smoking,

but picks up a cigarette after a couple of days of being smoke-free.

� Negative: "I can't seem to stop smoking no matter how hard I try!"

� Still negative, or gives a mixed message: "I don't want to smoke," or "I

won't smoke cigarettes anymore," or "I can stop smoking if I want to."

� On the right track but not quite there yet: "I will not smoke cigarettes

again."

� Positive: "I enjoy breathing clean air and making healthy choices in my life

every day."

Be to sure to delete any "don't" phrases or connotations, so that you are giving

yourself a purely positive statement that incorporates the results and goal you want.

Test your affirmation on a friend and then start using it on yourself. You can

rewrite it any time you realize it's not powerful enough to affirm your goals.

� It's time to define yourself!

Look through old magazines and tear out role models that appeal to you. It doesn't

matter what age they are or what they look like, simply react to the images and if you

get a positive feeling, rip out the picture and set it aside.

Now tape or paste them onto sheets of paper. Group together any photos that

seem to be of the same type or category. If you have torn out several pictures that

show a parent in happy family situations, then paste those images in one group. If

others are about business or work, group those.

Then write down sample descriptions about your groups or themes, with only

positive statements about the strong qualities in the pictures. Such as, for the family

images: "caring, good example, loving, supportive, playful, wise leader." For the work

images: "timely, accountable, fair, loyal, team player."

Now, if you have pictures of yourself, make copies and paste them into a collage

or on a sheet of paper, or use more of the magazine pictures that remind you of

yourself today. And write that positive description again–this time about YOU.

Your new brand is not an artificial image. It's a reminder to you of the REAL you.

The one that's gotten buried under a load of old negative labels. Now that you've ripped

off the old labels, it's up to you to carefully select positive words to describe yourself for

today and the near future.

Add descriptions that incorporate your long-term goals. If you're studying to be a

CPA, include "successful accountant" as if it is already true. Claim what you are

working on now as if you have achieved it.

Talk to yourself about yourself in the way that you SEE yourself in the brightest

terms.

With that image, each day you will have a light guiding you along your path, so

that more and more, you will be revealed as that person who's been hiding inside all

these years.

� Empower yourself with a mission statement

Write a mission statement about yourself, using the amazing labels you've created.

A typical mission statement is one or two sentences long. They originated with

businesses aiming for more clarity and focus about their goals and marketing niche.

Here are a few, copied from their web sites without any editing:

� "Google's mission is to organize the world's information and make it

universally accessible and useful."

� "Our Starbucks mission: To inspire and nurture the human spirit— one

person, one cup, and one neighborhood at a time."

� "FreeRice is a website committed to the cause of ending hunger around

the world. It is run entirely for free and at no profit."

Make sure your statement is short, positive and powerful.

Here's mine: "I'm a successful writer with a passionate vision to create

entertaining and intelligent books and screenplays that contribute to the greater good."

You can write mission statements for various areas of your life, such as for work,

relationships, family, hobbies, etc.

Think through what you want to achieve and then state a strong goal for yourself.

Engage your mind with something powerful, not a weak sentence that could describe

millions of other average players or that predicts mediocre results.

"I like to play golf and I'm going to get better at it" is a weak mission statement,

watered down to a yawn level. How about this: "My mission in playing golf is to have a

great time at the game while learning how to improve my skill level!"

Put a copy of your mission statement in your daily agenda book, on your desk, in

your wallet, on your bathroom mirror and other places where you will see it often.

Make a commitment to yourself. For 30 days, read your mission statement out

loud at least twice a day...so that you see it, say it and hear it.

This three-way approach–involving the senses of sight, speech and sound–is

known to help ideas become firmly rooted. And if you pick up the piece of paper and

hold it, guess what, you're reinforcing it even more by involving the sense of touch.

That's why physically writing it down is a more powerful experience than simply

reading or printing out what someone else wrote at a web site or in a book.

Make it YOURS!

Get ready to LIVE your mission statement. You will quickly see that it makes a

significant difference in how you react to each day's events.

When you are in charge of your own life and know what direction you are

headed, stress doesn't have a chance to grab hold of you. You're too busy marching

straight toward your goals and enjoying the journey along the way.

Now that you understand how to maximize the positive in your life, let's dive into

the third step in the S.M.A.R.T. system, and put what you've learned into action.

*** END OF SAMPLE CHAPTER ***

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