Sara Ariav’s Feedback 1. I'm not so sure on what your thesis is because you have a few sentences that ask questions. You should incorporate all of the questions into one sentences and make a thesis from there. A thesis statement should be one sentences, and don't be afraid to use semi colons because that way you can make it longer and make sure you get all of the information you want to! 2. Your conclusion is very solid, but I think that it could be broken up into two paragraphs because it is kinda of overwhelming as a reader. Another way to make your conclusion stronger is to answer "so what?" I learned this my freshman year of high school and it really helps me tie in everything I have researched into one sentence and conclude your essay. 3. I think you could expand more on the Gross article and where you cited it. Add some of your own opinion and voice, this way the reader can have two sides to the interpretation. Just explain how you interpret the quote from Gross' article! 4. I think that the first paragraph is clearly explains what will be talked about throughout the essay, but think that it should be more condensed into one sentence so the reader can point to that one sentence rather than a few questions in different sentences. But when all of that is together into one sentence, your essay really does have a good flow and ties all together with the different topics and research. 5. There is a very good balance between all of the scholarly sources and the class texts. Like I said earlier, I would add in more of your own voice and explain some of the quotes more in depth so the reader has a better understanding of what it means and how you as an author are interpreting it.