Saturday Night Live Louis CK as Abe Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln: Can I get a coffee?

Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. Hey.

Freedman Jones: Mmm-hmm.

Abraham Lincoln: How's it going? You going -- it's going good, huh?

Freedman Jones: I'm sorry?

Abraham Lincoln: It's just, uh... you know, you're all emancipated. It's good, right? I'm, uh...

Freedman Jones: I know who you are.

Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just...

Freedman Jones: Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want tothank--

Abraham Lincoln: No, no...

Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh... for everything that he's done forme! Especially my NEW job -- of shoveling HORSE SHIT... into awagon!

Freedman Jones: Is that what you want?

Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don't... I don't have any...

Freedman Jones: You don't have any...?

Abraham Lincoln:Blackfriends.

Freedman Jones: He'sgonna pay for this. Hard to beyou!

Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I'mreallytired of... is... arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they're not just fucking assholes! Like that'sreallllyhard. And they're like, "Oh! But I like owningpeople!" "Yeah, no, no... I get it. Itotallyget that." Like you gottaactlike you're kinda cool with it. "No, look -- if I could own a couple of dudes, I'd LOVE to own a couple of dudes! Itotallyget it." You gotta act like this is... like a 50-50 issue. You know, I justkindathink... thatowninga person... is NOT cool, you stupid dick!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don't just "Yeah, I have the tickets." Like, I dont want to show up and thennothave the tickets.

Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they're gonna let us in. It's fine.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well... I'm just saying, I don't want togetthere, and then they justwon'tlet us in without a ticket...

Abraham Lincoln: They'll let us in! They'll let us in! I'm the PRESIDENT!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they'll justgiveyou special treatment because you're "The President". Like,whendoes it stop, you know?

Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you're thePresident-- orhigher-- you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no;me, yes!

Abraham Lincoln: I'm married now. My wife is, uh... iscrazy. Literally... historically insane. One thing I'mreallysure of... is that somebodys gonna murder me. I just KNOW... I'mtotallygetting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me -- whoever murders me -- when I get murdered... it's just gonna say: "It Happened!" And you're just gonnaknowwhat "It" is. And then, I don't... you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they're gonna go, "Let's see, who might... who might have done it? Oh, I don't know --everybodyfrom the middle of the country down? Maybe they... maybe one ofthemdid it." Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?

Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh... it'scold, huh?

Abraham Lincoln: Lordy...

Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one's SHOT you yet?

Abraham Lincoln: No. no, not yet.