“[DEATH]”

By

[Samuel James Fullerton]

Radio ComedyHND Creative Media

[SCENE ONE INT. SAMON’S LOUNGE]

1 SAMON: (CONFUSED) I STILL DUNNO HOW I GOT HERE… ONE MINUTE I’M SOMEWHERE, THE NEXT I’M ERE.

(FX. CAN’S BEING KNOCKED OVER.)

NOW THAT WASN’T WHAT YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT IT WAS… NOPE. NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN INTOXICATING MYSELF ON THIS FINE SUMMERS DAY.

2 SAMUEL: (SARCASTIC) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? DON’T LISTEN TO HIM PEOPLE, THERE’S ABOUT 13 CANS OF STRONGBOW DARK FRUITS SITTING AROUND YOUR TOES!

3 SAMON: YOU CHAT SO MUCH SHIT, YA LITTLE HOOLIGAN

4 SAMUEL: ITE… ITE… WELL ANYWAY, WHAT YOU DONE TODAY SAMON, WALK ME THROUGH YOUR DAY

5 SAMON: I WOKE UP, HAD SOME BREAKFAST, ME OLD MAN TOLD ME I HAD WORK, SO I WAS LIKE ‘AHHH PAPAAAA NOOOOOO’, THEN I WENT TO A JOB TO REFIT A WASHING MACHINE.

6 SAMUEL: OH YEAH, HOW’D THAT GO?

7 SAMON: AITE… NEARLY TOOK ME FUCKIN ARM OFF I SPOSE BUT THEN AGAIN IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US, THAT’S WHY THE CALL ME A PROFESSIONAL

8 SAMUEL: A PROFESSIONAL WHAT EXACTLY?

(FX. CAN OPENS)

9 SAMON: WELL I DUNNO, BUT I RECKON I’M NEARLY A PLUMBER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. EITHER WAY, PIPES ARE LOVE, PIPES ARE LIFE.

10 SAMUEL: (BEAT) SEE NOW THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT NORMAL

11 SAMON: (INTRUPTING) WELL WHAT DYA FUCKIN EXPECT HANGING AROUND WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

12 SAMUEL: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

13 SAMON: WELL YOU’RE A LITTLE DICKHEAD…

14 SAMUEL: (ENLIGHTENED) AHH! OF COURSE! HOW COULD I FORGET MY PURPOSE IN LIFE, FOR A MINUTE THERE I THOUGHT I

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WAS NORMAL BUT CLEARLY NOT.

1 SAMON: YOU’RE ABOUT AS NORMAL AS A SAUSAGE IN A PAN OF BOILING MILK MATE

2 SAMUEL: YOU’RE ABOUT AS NORMAL AS A BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE YA DIK’ED

3 SAMON: WELL MOVING SWIFTLY ON

4 SAMUEL: WELL THEN… WHAT DYA DO AFTER YOU FINISHED WORK?

5 SAMON: GOT OME, COOKED SOME FOOD…

6 SAMUEL: OH YEAH, WHAT DYA COOK?

7 SAMON: BEANS ON TOAST, BUT THE TOASTER WASN’T WORKING AND THE BEANS WERE COLD

8 SAMUEL: DOESN’T THAT MAKE IT BEANS ON BREAD?

9 SAMON: (DOUBLE BEAT) MAYBE… BUT LESS ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGE, MORE ABOUT THE EATIN’Z

(FX. SLURP)

10 SAMUEL: JESUS, WELL HOW’D IT TASTE?

11 SAMON: NOT TOO SHABBY, NOT OT BEANS ARE BETTER THAN NO BEANS

12 SAMUEL: YEAH TRUE

13 SAMON: VERY TRUE

(FADE OUT)

THE END

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