To quote paraphrase or summarize?

Sentence Level RevisionMarch 21, 2011AgendaQuizReview of last weekRevising for clarityIncorporating elegance

QuizWhat is the difference between coherence and cohesion?

Name two of the five principles for writing concisely

Name two coordinating conjunctionsCoherence and CohesionCohesion- how well the sentences fit together

Coherence- the big picture, what it all ads up to.Focusing on one common theme in a paragraph, and a paper as a whole.Revising for concisionThe five principles of concision.Delete words that mean little or nothingDelete words that repeat the meaning of other wordsDelete words that are implied by other wordsReplace phrases with wordsChange negatives to affirmativesCoordinating conjunctionsforand nor but or yetsoDeleting meaningless wordsCommon meaningless words from page 263:Kind of, actually, particular, certain, various, virtually, individual, basically, generally, given, practically.

Basically, this article discusses various ways to solve the various problems associated with fossil fuels. This article discusses ways to solve the problems associated with fossil fuels.

Deleting meaningless wordsMeaningless modifiers: absolutely, awfully, definitely, fine, great, interesting, quite, really, very

This is definitely a reliable source becauseThis is a reliable source becauseDelete doubled wordsFull and completeTrue and accurateHopes and desiresHope and trustEach and every

Any and allBasic and fundamentalVarious and sundryFirst and foremost

Avoiding redundancyRedundant modifiersRedundant categoriesTerrible tragedyBasic fundamentalsFinal outcomeVarious differentFuture plansTrue factsEach individualDouble Bi-lateralLarge in sizeUnusual in natureRound in shapeOf a strange typeAt an early timeIn a confused stateArea if mathematicsModifiersWords, phrases, and clauses that describe other elementsThese other elements are called referentsRestrictive modifiersProvides crucial information about referentNonrestrictive modifiersDoes not restrict the meaning of its referent

Modifying clausesRestrictiveThe paintings at the new museum make up a great collection.

NonrestrictiveThe local meat market, first opened in 1955, has provided quality service for over a decade.ModifiersMisplaced modifiersYou can only stop forest fires.Only you can stop forest fires.Squinting modifierI realized immediately that I needed more things.I immediately realized that I needed more things.I realized that I needed more things immediately.Dangling modifierBeing in a hurry, traffic had to be avoided.Being in a hurry, I had to avoid traffic.

Dangling modifiersHaving been thrown in the air, the dog caught the stick.

I gave some food to my kitten and chopped it up.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know.Change negatives to affirmativesNot different similar

Not the same different

Not allow Prevent

Not many fewWordy PhrasesWordyConciseat all timesat that point in timeat the present timedue to the fact thatfor the purpose ofin order toin spite of the fact thatin the event that

alwaysthennow, todaybecausefortoalthoughif

Use a word to replace a phraseWe must explain the reason for the delay in the meeting.We must explain why the meeting is delayed.

Avoid Clichs and EuphemismsClichs can be confusing and often make your writing dull.Say what you want to say in plain English

Euphemisms are a polite way of saying something generally thought of as uncomfortableUsing euphemisms can make writing awkward and unethical

Common ClichsThere's no place like home.

As Easy as Pie

Time is moneyEuphemismsEuphemismWhat it meansLose your lunch

Knocked up

Armed interventionVomit

Pregnant

WarSentencesArrange the sentence to emphasize certain informationFocus on the subject and verbChoose an appropriate lengthUse parallel structureUse effective modifiers

Principles of ClarityMake main characters subjects.Active vs Passive voice.

Make important actions verbsAvoiding nominalizations

Dont make your reader have to figure out what is going on in the sentence.22Choosing between active and passive voice (who is the main character?)Musical legends such as Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, and Johnny Cash have all influenced Norah Jones.Who are the subjects in this example?

(The passive voice puts the emphasis on a single musician who was affected by the music of three different predecessors.)23Choosing between active and passive voice (a caveat)Norah Jones has been influenced by such musical legends as Ray Charles, Billie Holiday, and Johnny Cash. Who is the subject in this example?

Emphasize important informationWeak

Improved

They will come if you build them.

The structure could fail in harsh environments.

Call Natalie for further help or more information.

If you build them, they will come.

In harsh environments, the structure could fail.

For further help or more information, call Natalie.

Make important actions verbs/ avoid wordy noun formsThe firm is now engaged in an assessment of its procedures for the development of new products.

The firm is now assessing the procedures for developing new products.Avoiding expletivesIn general, do not use expletive constructions (it seems, it is, there is, there are, or similar phrases) unless you are introducing an idea to give it extra emphasis:There is nothing in the article that makes it useful.Nothing in the article makes it useful.Choose an appropriate lengthLong sentencesDifficult to readCan be dividedCan be turned into a listShort sentencesOften repeats key wordsCan be combined

Elegance (great way to synthesize)Balance and SymmetryCoordinationCompound sentencesUncoordinated BalanceUnbalanced EmphasisSubordinating clausesComplex sentencesThe coordinating conjunctionsAnd, or, nor, but, yetThese can be used to show balance in a sentence and between ideas.

Smith asserts that fossil fuels must be abandoned by the year 2020, and Joseph expands this to include the combustion engine.

Coordinated BalanceSmith argues for the expansion of alternative fuels and the reduction of fossil fuels.

Smith argues for the expansion of alternative fuels and the reduction of fossil fuels, but Joseph argues for the expansion of fuel cells and the reduction of combustive fuels. Uncoordinated balanceScientists whose research creates revolutionary views of the universe invariably confuse those of us who construct reality from our common-sense experience of it.

Coordinate with parallel structureElements should have the same grammatical form

See diagram of this sentence on p. 281Using subordinate clauses to show emphasisThough Joseph has very good suggestions, Smiths research has more practical solutions that can be implemented now.

PracticeGet into groups of 3 and do exercise 10.17 on p.290BA 6Description: To complete this assignment, use the guidelines in Chapter 10 of First-Year Writing and Chapters 40-43 of The St. Martin's Handbook to revise one substantial body paragraph (i.e. between 6 8 sentences in length) from your 1.1 draft. Consider matters of organization, language, word choice, and grammar and mechanics as you revise. You will need to make significant revisions to your original paragraph. Include both the original and the revised paragraphs. You will also need to include 1) a statement of your thesis, so that your instructor knows the context in which these paragraphs were written, and 2) a paragraph evaluating the revisions you have made and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole.Format of BA6Thesis

Original paragraph (6-8 sentences)

Revised paragraph (consider word choice, organization, grammar & mechanics, and the other things weve discussed over the last two weeks)

Paragraph evaluating the benefits of the changes

RevisionTake out your draft.Look at sentences individually.What is the important action?Is it in verb or noun form?Who or what is the important character?Is it the subject of the sentence?Are your sentences coherent and cohesive?Where might you show balance with coordination?Where should you show emphasis with subordination?What might you make elegant?TipsChapter 5 of the St. Martins handbook has good tips for transitions and paragraph organization.

Chapters 40-43 have additional help with sentence level revision.Participation for next weekRead your grader commentary and write a paragraph or list containing the things they say you need to work on.

Bring two copies of this along with two copies of your most recent version of the draft.

This is required