Edition No.2 April 2014

“Who’s pucking tonight?!” – The Periodical for the Shuffleboard Select Committee

Chairman’s Beef What a great month! It was fantastic to see so many people turn up for our first open invitational. We also welcomed three new members to the committee.

It was brought to my attention that the American sport of pinball is a women’s version of shuffleboard. I hate Americans. And Women!

Chairman Luke “Slim” Allen

Vice Chair’s “Big Vice” I’d like to echo the comments of our chairman

Vice Chairman Matt “Big Vice” Row

Join the committee!

There are no vacancies

on the committee.

Dates for the diary

Open

invitational II

The second of

our opens.

Hopefully there

will be more

shuffling and

less punching

this time!

7pm till late

Pub

Meat Raffle

To raise funds for

a new oven, live

meat will be

raffled off.

Tickets are

imaginary.

7pm till late

Pub

My good times

“Big Vice” Matt

Row explains

how he taught

shuffleboard to

Rastafarians who

weren’t really

interested

7pm

Pub

Shufflers of Note Fred Dibnah OBE, steeplejack When people think of Fred Dibnah, the first thing that often springs to mind is his love of cookery. But what you may not be aware of is that Fred loved a game of shuffleboard. When he wasn’t suspended from a harness toppling another chimney to build a kitchen in its place, ol’ shufflejack as he was known could be found on the boards of his beloved Bristol or Cornwall (ed - I can’t remember where he was from). So here’s to you Ol’ Shufflejack, may you rest in pieces (like your chimneys!) Words by Keir Windsor

Shufflers’ Digest is sponsored by

Carol and David’s Campervan weekends! We are happy to accept families, couples, game animals and on designated autumn weekends, swingers. We will not tolerate terrorists .

Sufflers’

Wives

“My favourite position? On the deck, baby!*” said

Paula, 23, without being prompted, oddly. After SD caught its breath, Paula told us “Married men are my favourite to play with**, they always slide really well!***” * I like sex on the floor

** Married men are better

at sex than single men *** Married men have

slipperier penises

Fashion Corner Chinos

Named after the Italian word for sports casual ‘chinosportellia‘, a pair of chinos often indicates that the wearer is ready for adventure, but

with a G&T in hand of course! This is clearly the attitude that can turn any semi-pro into a dominator of the board. So as the old saying goes – clothes maketh the man – SD advises that you invest in a pair right away! *They should not be worn at funerals

Equipment Exchange Speed boat Board varnish I live alone and predominantly In a range of colours including on land, so have no need for brown, off-brown and semi- it. Ideal for drugs etc… yellow. £5 per pot / £15 for 3 99 or nearest offer. Board talc Picture of man with friends In a range of particle sizes Came free with frame for including nuclear, off-nuclear photograph. I do not know and semi-atomic. Perfect for them, but they seem friendly. dusting boards / self before play. Nice on your wall? 20p £5 per tube / £16 for 3

What the Puck?! – Your letters! Sirs, This is great! But, Gerard Depardieu the "Italian Stallion"? He's the Frenchest man on the planet, non? Shuffle on, Jon (Member, London Division) Response – Well spotted Jon! Let’s have a kiss and a cuddle.

Thought for the board

“Give me a puck and a stick, and I

will move the earth”

Plato

Ancient Greek shuffleboard player and ginormous man

Appointments This month, the committee welcomed three new members. Paul Moore – Treasurer & International Shuffle Relations. Paul joins

us with a wealth of experience that we think he has, but might not. Nisha Patel – Community Outreach Officer & Member for Ethnic

Sports. We welcome Nisha as a sort of Kofi Annan type person. Rianne Mason – Secretary. Rianne will provide results and features

on all of our sporting activities, like Des Lynam, or worse, Steve Ryder

Next Issue What Car? Magazines ‘car of the year’ (accidentally) Chairman Slim argues with himself If you would like to contribute, contact Matt ‘Big Vice’ Row

Grandstand Results, commentary and photography from this month’s sexy invitational.

Paul vs Luke

Donna vs Rianne

Katherine vs

Martin

Danni vs Pete –

Danni (default)

Rowbo vs Mattman

Nisha vs Chrissy –

Nisha (overruling

decision)

Christine Morely vs

Liz Holloway (yet

to contend)

“It was lovely”

D. Hearnshaw

“There is no democracy”

Chairman Slim

Next matches to be

played over the first and

second hour of April 25.

Draw to be made by

Chairman Slim and guest,

Elaine Paige.

Foreigners Paul Moore

We are delighted to announce that foreign correspondent Paul Moore has done a baby with his winkle, and so won’t be writing anything this month. He is too tired as he puts a lot of effort into sex. (Well done).

Shuffling in the community Nisha Patel discusses the Indian cousin of table top shuffleboard Carrom (also known as Karrom) is a "strike and pocket" table game of Eastern origin similar to billiards and table shuffleboard. It is found throughout the East under different names though most non-eastern people know it by the East Asian name of Carroms (or Karrom). It is very popular in Nepal, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and surrounding areas. In South Asia, many clubs and cafés hold regular tournaments. It’s a cool game and I rock at it… Well, I used to!

Next Additional Paul will keep his winkle to himself Nisha will look at more pages on Wikipedia Rianne will report from Old Trafford in a confusing match analysis If you would like to contribute, contact Matt ‘Big Vice’ Row

Results and international news

Members of the Shuffleboard Select Committee proudly shop at

Double Shuffle For all your shuffling needs – under one roof ! (+ conservatory)