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Friday, July 15, 2011

Silly Baby Names

Okay, I guess I am officially what a friend calls a “wrinkly.” But I am always

finding mental cracks in people's thinking - especially when it comes to their

children. I do not know what is wrong with some parents, but they seem determined

to punish their kids ahead of time, all the while they think they are doing good. So,

here is a list of my least favorite baby names currently in the news:

Victoria Beckham gave birth to a daughter and promptly named the poor kid

Harper Seven. Why seven? You have to be a soccer fan, nothing to do with their

other three kids, wait for it… Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz. Oh, and those are boys by

the way.

 Then we come to that whacko Toronto family determined to disprove the nature

vs. nurture argument who had a child (whose gender they are refusing to disclose –

my guess is about 100 hospital people already know) and named him/her Storm.

No, perhaps not after the comic superhero, although if it is a girl, school friends will

be expecting foul weather. What they had in mind was bringing up their child as a

“neutral gender” with the “opportunity to be creative and free from social norms

that dictate male and female behavior.” Yeah, sure. Wait until their previous two

kids, both boys, Jazz and Kio (great parents, no?) help change a diaper. Game’s

over!

Okay, we’ve all long known that celebrities, who need to brighten their lives, poor

dears, have toyed with weird names for decades. There are Moon Unit, Dweezil

Zappa, Ahmet Zappa and Diva Zappa from Frank Zappa who was presumably

smoking something at the time. Model Shannyn Sossamon named her son Audio

Science. Calling his name may sound like a yodeling contest. Arthur Ashe had

named his kid in tribute to the mother’s career as a photographer, so was born

Camera Ashe. Male or female? You can guess.

Gwen Stefani named her kid after a video game; Zuma. That fun weirdo Bob

Geldorf has three daughters (at least you can tell the gender); Hiraani Tiger Lily,

Peaches Honeyblossom and Fifi Trixibell. The magician Penn Jillette named his kids

Zolten (Dracula’s dog; say woof woof junior) and Moxie CrimeFighter. Nick Cage

named his son Kal-El (think Superman’s dad). Gwyneth named her daughter Apple

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(as in a bite out of?). Sly Stallone named one of his kids Sage Moonblood (boy or

girl?). Of course then there’s David Bowie who chose Zowie, which is kind of fitting

until you call him Zowie Bowie which makes a statement. As soon as he could he

changed it to Joey. Jamie Oliver, that purveyor of sensible eating lets his hair down

when it comes to naming his kids; Poppy Honey and Petal Blossom Rainbow. Almost

good enough to eat. The list seems endless.

And to cap it off, members of the public, not to be outdone by celebrities: there’s

Facebook born to Egyptian parents, ESPN born to a Mississippi couple who watch

too much TV, Superman born to a New Zealand family and, never to be outdone for

inanity, Adolf Hitler Campbell born to a couple in New Jersey (who promptly were

found to be unfit parents and the kids were removed).

And on my personal radar was a very nice man from Thailand who was named,quite normally, in Thai but everywhere in America he had severe problems: Phuc,

and yes, it was pronounced that way. He chose a nickname, Bob.