SMALL GROUPDISCUSSION GUIDE

PART 1: QUICK TO LISTENWe all know what it’s like to be hurt by someone who just couldn’t listen long enough to understand us. Maybe in theirattempt to be right, they damaged a relationship that could have been saved with a little patience and curiosity. You’ve probably been on the other side of that coin too. Taking the verbal offense may have won the argument, but you lost relationally. What if we didn’t settle for being right, but tried to make things right instead? The longer we listen, the morewe learn, and the better chance we have of protecting ourselves from our own big mouths.DISCUSSION QUESTIONS1. We’ve all heard it said, “Never talk about politics, sex, money, and religion at the dinner table.” What area do you thinkbrings up the most conflict in your family or with your friends?2. In the middle of conflict, we all have a natural response. Circle the phrases below that best describe what you’re quickto do:• When someone accuses me, I’m quick to:Review the facts and prepare a retort.Write the person off and ignore their claims.Ask clarifying questions.• When someone tells me how I’ve hurt them, I’m quick to:Claim my own hurt.Defend my actions.Affirm their feelings and apologize.• When I know I’m right, I’m quick to:State my case with evidence.Shut down and withdraw emotionally.Be curious and patient while they explain their point of view.3. Read James 1:19–21. Imagine you were trying to summarize these verses for a friend. What would you say in one or two sentences to explain what James was communicating?4. God doesn’t want us to be right at one another, but right with one another. Who do you need to be right with currently? Describe the tensions in that relationship.5. Which of these strategies might help you best in the relationship in which you’re currently experiencing the most conflict? Why?• Ask three questions before responding with your side.• Avoid declarations.• Listen to understand rather than reply.• Remind yourself that everything this person does, says, and believes makes sense to them.

6. Jesus didn’t come to be right. He had every right answer, but he came to reconcile men and women to God and to reconcile us to one another. Think of a few words that describe Jesus’ approach and discuss how these characteristics can help guide your most difficult conversations.

MOVING FORWARDWhen we listen to reply, we lose our chance to understand. We undermine the value of our relationships. This week, take some time to practice the hand motion that goes with James 1:19: Place your fists in your lap and when you say “Quick to listen,” open your hands and finish the verse by slowly saying “Slow to speak.”

WEEKLY READINGHandwrite James 1:19-20 and place it somewhere you’ll see it this week. Try your bathroom mirror or your desk or the dashboard of your car. Pray for God to give you the discipline to slow down and listen first when you face conflict.

PART 2: UNTAMABLELike a small spark that has the potential to scorch an entire green forest, our tongues are untamable, with the power to control our whole bodies. We have a tool that can be used to build up those around us or tear them down in just a few words. What do we do with that kind of power? We can’t lock it away. But we can, by God’s grace, learn to control it.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS1. Think of an example of someone who famously lost control of their mouth. What’s your perception of that person? What consequences do you assume they faced?2. Who has significantly impacted your life with their words? Discuss why it’s easier to remember the harsh words of those who hurt you than the kind words of those who encouraged you.3. Read James 3:2–12. List together the images that James paints of the power of the tongue. Which of these comparisons do you identify with the most?4. In which relationship do you most often find yourself losing control of your mouth? Have you faced any relational consequences as a result?5. It can be hard to come to grips with how powerful our words can be. It helps to have a clear plan on how to respond when you’re faced with losing control. In which of the following areas below do you need the most help?Remember: recognize your words are powerfulSurrender: ask God to help you be quick to listen and slow to speakConfess: don’t explain or excuse, but own the fires you start6. Think about creative ways you can support one another in controlling your mouths (e.g., text an image of a fire, write a note with the prayer below, send a laffy taffy candy). Commit to follow through on one of your ideas this week.

MOVING FORWARDWe are powerful because our words are powerful. Our mouths have more destructive power than any other part of the body. The good news is that we also have the power to avoid the consequences of an untamed tongue if we choose to take James’ wisdom to heart and surrender this powerful tool to God. Take time this week to pray:‘Heavenly Father, remind me to be quick to listen and slow to speak.’

WEEKLY READINGRead James 3:2-12. Try to memorize the image you identified with most by reading it every day this week. Repeat it and recall it when you feel like you’re about to lose control of your tongue.

PART 3: ACCORDING TO CODEOur big mouths can be destructive, but they also have the power to build others up. What we say can impact the quality, and even the direction, of the lives of the people around us. How can we use this power for good?

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS1. Talk about something you’ve been a part of building (e.g., a school project, a business, a home, a family).2. We’ve all had people tear us down. But who in your life has been there to build you up? How have they done that?3. Read Ephesians 4:29. In order to be helpful, why is it as important to know who you’re talking to as much as what you’re talking about?4. If you were to make a list of the people you want to build up, who is at the top? What do they need to hear? How can be more intentional about building them up?5. There are things that get in the way of us building others up. Which of these do you struggle with? Any idea why?• Anger• Sarcasm• Quick Temper• Yelling• Carelessness• Other6. Even though it’s not pleasant to look at the past and what causes bitterness in us, why is it important to “get rid” of it? What’s at stake if you don’t do the internal work of forgiveness?

MOVING FORWARDIn order for our words to be helpful, we all have work to do and people who hope we get to work soon. To be helpful, we have to focus on the content of our conversations as well as the intent—and typically the intent takes more work. To get rid of bitterness, anger, and any unforgiveness holding you back, write down things that have been taken from you. Decide that they no longer owe you, then wad up the paper, throw it in a trash bag, and walk it out to the trash can. Let God know that you are getting rid of the bitterness on this paper, and ask him to help you be a builder with your words.

WEEKLY READINGTake time to memorize Ephesians 4:29 by making it your phone or computer wallpaper.

PART 4: RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT ‘EMWhat goes around often comes around. The powerless often find themselves in a position of power and the people who hurt us may someday need us. In the moments when we’ve got those people right where we want ‘em, what we say will say as much about us as anything else. If our words are stones, will we choose to throw them, or usethem to pave the way forward?

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS1. How far back can you name the people in your family line? (Your name…daughter of…..daughter of….daughter of…daughter of….). Who in your list made a decision for better or worse that has affected you?2. Joseph’s life was filled with reasons for him to be bitter, angry, and eventually prideful when he was elevated to power in Egypt. But he maintained faith that God was with him. That perspective guided his response in all of his circumstances.Read these excerpts from Joseph’s life. After each excerpt, stop to discuss how you respond when you’re. . .Abandoned (Read Genesis 37:17-24)Accused (Read Genesis 39:16-21)Forgotten (Read Genesis 40:20-23)Challenged (Read Genesis 41:14-16)Empowered (Read Genesis 41:46-57)3. Choose a word above or one of your own that describes your life experience. Discuss how that circumstance affects your response to others today. (Ex: An abandoned son may become an angry father. A talented employee may become a demanding boss.)4. When we’re faced with responding to our circumstances, our words can either be stones we throw or they can pave the way forward. Discuss examples of times when you’ve done both. What were the outcomes?5. Read Genesis 50:15-21. How can Joseph’s response to his brothers affect how you make choices with your words in the future? What legacy do you hope to leave with the people you care most about?

MOVING FORWARDBad things have been happening to good people for a long time. And God has been with good people in bad times for a long time as well. We will never experience the good that comes from the bad unless we recognize that God was with us in the bad and then refuse to play God whenthings are good.

WEEKLY READINGThis week, take some time to read about Joseph’s life in Genesis 39-50. Reflect on the choices hemade to trust God, avoid bitterness, and forgive despite overwhelming odds. What can youlearn from him now that may affect the people you care about later?

More at ConnexusChurch.com

OPEN MOUTH . . . INSERT FOOTDon’t we all wish we could avoid that

scenario? Our words can get us into all kinds of trouble. But maybe we can learn to keep

our big mouths in check.

Even better, how can we use our words to deepen our relationships, enrich our careers,

and find greater peace?

Join us this summer for an incredible series of messages at Connexus Church.