Socrates on the Red Carpet1

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S O C R A T E S O N T H E R E D C A R P E T 1

BY BOB WOODIWISS

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SOCRATES: Welcome to the 86th Academy Awards. We arelivehere on the red carpet at the

Samuel Goldwyn Theater, and the stars are out tonight. Like the lovely and talented fan favorite

approaching now, a lady who just might take home her second Best Actress Oscar, Sandra

Bullock. Good evening, Sandra. You look stunning, as always. Who are you wearing?

SANDRA: Valentino.

SOCRATES: And?

SANDRA: And? Theres no and. Im wearing Valentino.

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SOCRATES: Yes, obviously, your trainer-hewn physical form is draped in tangible designer

fashions but, in a more essential, holistic sense, are you not also wearing, or, to be less

metaphorical, bearing, the values, the views, the emotional residue of allfather, mother,

siblings, peers, teachers, The Ex Who Must Not Be Named, et ceterawho have figured

significantly in your life? Shouldnt ones emotional couturiers receive equal acknowledgement

on this night?

SANDRA: Well, Socrates, I would argue countless influences, some knowable, others not, haveacted, are still acting, on my innate, individual psyche to produce a wholly singular amalgam

me, my me-nesswhich is an entity altogether separate and distinct from any affecting

personalities. Such an inimitable creation needs make no attribution beyond her provider of free

custom gowns.

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SOCRATES: And yet isnt it also true, according to your own words, as recounted inPeople

magazine, you first resolved to enter the performing arts after seeing Susan Hayward inI Want to

Liveergo, your appearance here, impossible without your career as the performer you, indeed,became, is directly attributable to that epiphany and, thus, the 1958 Oscar winner is essential to

this evening and, by extension, your strapless, bubble-skirted splendor here on the red carpet?

SANDRA: Why yes, thats true, Socrates. Your logic is indisputable. I was foolish to have

believed otherwise.

SOCRATES: Thank you, Sandra. Good luck tonight. And Im now delighted to welcome
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Matthew McConaughey, nominee for Best Actor inDallas Buyers Club. Congratulations,

Matthew. Feeling good about your chances tonight?

MATTHEW: I know Im not the first to say it, Socrates, but looking at the other actors in my

category, it really is an honor just to be nominated.

SOCRATES: But, Matthew, consider: if, as you claim, its an honor just to be nominated, does

that not render the remainder of the contestthe outcome!superfluous, meaningless?

MATTHEW: Perhaps, but

SOCRATES: And if winning is meaningless, is not the presence of said nominees extraneous?

MATTHEW: Well, it does seem

SOCRATES: Thus rendering the entire process, event and evening moot, consigning this

conversation to the realm of the absurd?

MATTHEW: Put that way, yes it

SOCRATES: And must you not agree that a man engaged in the absurd is a fool?

MATTHEW: Yes, Socrates, I suppose I must.

SOCRATES: Then be on your way, I have no time for fools. But I do have time for this man:

Director Martin Scorsese.

MARTIN: Always good to see you, Socrates.

SOCRATES: Tell me, Marty, you produce, direct and write many of your films. In other words,

you have firm control over all major aspects of your art. Yet youre creating product for

Hollywoods large studios, which are, in turn, owned by even larger multinational

conglomerates, making you a contributor to the profits and power of a soulless, dehumanizing,

commercial force. Tell me, does this make you, ultimately, an artist, a slave or an oligarch?

MARTIN: Im afraid I cannot accept your premise, Socrates. Does the poor screenwriter who, to

feed his family, sells his words to a studio executive necessarily become a tool of the studio?

Furthermore, is he in some way responsible for all subsequent prequels, sequels, reboots and

bastardizations produced by the studio based on his original script? What of studio rewrites or

directors cuts? I contend if the screenwriter has created his work out of passion and honestintent, without pandering to the perceived tastes of a patron, he is not culpable for a royalty on,

say,Mean Streets II: The Meanering.

SOCRATES: But, using your example, no screenwriter writes in a vacuum. If his family lacks

food and his wife will not take a second job to see that said foods are purchased, providing him

the freedom to go to Starbucks and write, isnt it likely hell reframe his ominous drama about


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South Sudanese genocide as a more salable, star-driven, special-effects-packed action picture

about a white superhero who can solve First World problems without fear of residual

consequences or repercussions? And wont the films profitsor huge losseshelp determine

what the studio will green-light for future production and release?

MARTIN: Perhaps. But as regards my work, specifically, Ive followed only my passions, andneither the consequent box office revenue nor the prevailing power structure determines if or

what Ill create next. So, while I still reject your original premise, I can tell you unambiguously:

art is my only pursuit.

SOCRATES: Marty. Friend. Youre. At. The. Oscars.

MARTIN: Touch, Socrates, touch.

SOCRATES: Thank you, Marty. You better head inside. Now, I see Robert Redford has just

arrived. Bob! Bob! Over here!Lovedyour work inAll Is Lost,and now were all dying to know

whether you regard the transitory nature of physical beauty as cruel fate or futile struggle?

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Socrates on the Red Carpet1