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CO160Reflective essay

Cheryl Schull

(Insure and Go, 2012)

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Copyright 2013 Cheryl Schull.

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(humblepiety, 2011)

NAME: Cheryl Schull

STUDENT NUMBER: 413228

PROGRAM OF STUDY: BSocScCouns

UNIT CODE & TITLE: CO160 Connecting to the Human Story

LECTURERS NAME: Esther Diplock

ASSIGNMENT NUMBER & TITLE: #3 Reflective Essay

DUE DATE: 11 June 2013

WORD COUNT: Do you really want to know? (Approximately 9,500)

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CONTENTS

Darkness cannot driveout darkness: only light

can do that. Hate cannotdrive out hate: only lovecan do that.

Martin Luther King Jr

(Good Reads, 2013, 2)

1. THE CHARACTERS

The Pilot

The Little Girl

Me

My Family

The Passengers

The Passengers couples

2. PROLOGUE:TIMETO GO

I become destabilised and realise that a journey must be taken. I

board the Plane of Awareness and meet the characters of The Pilot

and The Little Girl. The passengers Fear, Dread, Hate, Shame, Pain

and Angst board the plane and take their seats.

(Denyseortiz, 2011)

(David Rogers, 2013)

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3. CHAPTERONE:LOSING CONTROL

Through the estrangement of my loneliness to the embrace of solitudeThe Plane of Awareness brings to light my aloneness and depression.

Memories become twisted; childbirth is recreated in my mind where the

passengers are present, the passengers become rowdy and need to be

settled. The Pilot brings an invitation to me to take rest. I becomealive in solitude through the Pilots invitation, through The Word of

God and through the Passengers Couples Insight, Peace and Calm,

Gratitude and Love.

4. CHAPTERTWO:ANGERARISES

Through the estrangement of our relational defensiveness (hostility) to the hospitality

of embrace

The little girl opens her wounding up to me. She longed for her fragile

heart to be nurtured and to receive love without condition. However, all

she got was someone telling her what to do. My lines of defence arise. I

realise that I push others in order to push myself I know there is a gift

in this knowledge. Anger at God and at people from my past is brought

to light; deep inside I feel there is no one to meet my needs and

demands for affection and esteem. A new passenger boards, it is

Forgiveness. Forgiveness shows me that with my knowledge that I am

unique, loved and forgiven by God I can hold the hospitality of

embrace, that I am ready to journey deeper.

A fight is going on inside me," said an oldman to his son. "It is a terrible fightbetween two wolves. One wolf is evil. He isanger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, andego. The other wolf is good. he is joy,peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity,truth, compassion, and faith. The same fightis going on inside you."

The son thought about it for aminute and then asked, "Which wolf will

win?" The old man replied simply, "Theone you feed.

Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink & the Meaning of Life

(Good Reads,2013, 15)(Artzybasheff., n.d.)

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Too often we underestimate the power of atouch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, anhonest compliment, or the smallest act ofcaring, all of which have the potential to turn alife around.

Leo Buscaglia(Good Reads, 2013, 25)

(The Cracked DoorFoundation Inc, 2013)

5. CHAPTERTHREE:SURRENDER

Through the estrangement of our addictions, illusions and temptations to the embrace of

relational intimacy with The One in whom we are truly known

Living in the illusion of pain, a false sense of hunger, perhaps emptiness.

The passengers ignite my illusion of pain and offer me a solution myaddiction of gum. I so willingly accept. Powerless over the need to chew

gum the Pilot offers me a solution. I come to a place where I can

meditate and begin to admit my weaknesses and surrender my fantasies

and my control. I realise my greatest pain is that of homesickness.

6. CHAPTERFOUR:HOPE

Through the estrangement of shadow to the embrace of unity, integration, transparency

I question my journey; I ask myself why am I here? I am drawn to the

Pilot. He shows me how to fly by faith not by sight. He beckons me to

speak with him about what is on my heart. I share my story, and without

an answer he leaves me to think more deeply upon its relevance, upon the

invitation that it holds. The little girl awakes from a dream and as I

comfort her I realise just who she is. In tight embrace we move into unity

and transparency, many aspects of my life become apparent and I realise

that we can be whole and broken at the same time. It is finally time to go

home.

7. EPILOGUE:HOME

It is time to leave the Plane of Awareness and hand my broken heart over

to the Pilot. It is time to move onto my homeland where my family waits

for me in the light of a new day.

8. REFERENCES

9. SIGNIFICANT RESOURCES

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The Little GirlKnown as The Little Girl, the girl

who is recognisable, yet unknownis Me, Cheryl Bowen at 11 yearsold. Her mother has just passedaway and she sits waiting forsomeone to help her and to guideher to her true home.

Pilot

Known as The Pilot, the man whoguides Souls journey home is myLord and Savior. The Pilotsidentity is no secret to those whobelieve in Jesus and his power toguide us to our true home.

My FamilyKnown as My Family, these arethe people I live for and thepeople I heal for. My Family isthe reason soul takes its journey toits true home.

Me

Known as Me, Cheryl Schull is thewoman whose soul is on a journeyits true home. She boards thePlane of Awareness in order toescape a life of sadness andperhaps an end chosen fromdesperation.

(Design media, 2013)

THE CHARACTERSTHE MAIN CAST

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HateTo dislike intensely orpassionately, Hate is to feelextreme aversion for or extremehostility toward something(Dictionary.com, 2013i, 1).

ShameArising from the consciousness ofsomething, Shame is thedishonorable, improper, orridiculous feelings one places onthemselves, whether deserving ornot in any particular situation(Dictionary.com, 2013o, 1).

DreadReluctance to do orexperience things /life, Dread is theterror orapprehension as tosomething in thefuture(Dictionary.com,

2013d, 1).

(Yahoo!7 Pty Ltd, 2013a)(Mymind, n.d.)

(Corngoblin, n.d.) (Degrees of Life n.d.)

FearAroused byimpending danger,Fear is the perceptionof threat, whether itis real or imagined.Fear is the feeling ofbeing afraid(Dictionary.com,

2013e, 1).

AngerA strong feeling ofdispleasure andbelligerence, Anger isaroused by a wrong;he is undeniable

wrath(Dictionary.com,2013a, 1).

(VisualizeUs, 2013

(Psychology Today, 2013) (Last.fm LTD, 2013)

PainIn physical oremotional sufferingor distress, Pain canbe the tormentor ofbody and soul

(Dictionary.com,2013m, 1).

(LDR Holistic, n.d.))

GriefMental suffering overaffliction or loss; sharpsorrow; and painfulregret, Grief offersonly distress or sorrow(Dictionary.com,

2013h, 1).

AngstIn a constant stateof anxiety, Angst isthe feeling constantanguish.(Dictionary.com,2013b, 1).

THE PASSENGERS

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GratitudeThe quality or feeling of beinggrateful or thankful, Gratitude is

warmly and deeply appreciativeof kindness (Dictionary.com,2013g, 1).

LoveA profoundly tender, passionateaffection for another, Love offersa feeling of warm personalattachment or deep affection(Dictionary.com, 2013l, 1).

CalmFreedom fromdisturbance, agitation,excitement, or passion;Peace offers tranquilityand serenity.(Dictionary.com,2013c, 1).

(RealizingHappiness, n.d).(Positive Thoughts, 2010)

(Rodale Inc., 2013) (Emmys Family Hair Care n.d.)

THE PASSENGERS COUPLES

PeaceOffering a state ofmutual harmony, Peaceoffers cessation fromany strife or dissension.She brings an end tohostilities and anabstinence from furtherfighting or antagonism.(Dictionary.com,

2013n, 1).

InsightApprehending truenature through intuitiveunderstanding, Insightpenetrates mental

vision; she sees intoinner character andunderlying truth.(Dictionary.com, 2013j,

1).

(ParentHub, 2013)

(Wallpaperscraft, n.d.)

ForgivenessTo grant pardon for and toabsolve, Forgiveness gives up allclaim on accounts, she grantspardons, and she offers a cease ofresentment. She cancel's allindebtedness or liability's(Dictionary.com, 2013f, 1).

JoyGreat delight or happiness causedby something exceptionally goodor satisfying; Joy offers keenpleasure; elation and is a sourceof delight. She is the expressionor display of glad feeling; festive

gaiety (Dictionary.com, 2013k,

(Yahoo!7 Pty Ltd, 2013b)

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PROLOGUETIMETO GO

Have you ever run until you cannot breath? Have you ever run down a hill with yourarms spread out and your eyes closed tight? Have you ever run so fast for so longthat it hurts, run so fast that you cant see the path in front of you, run so fast that allyou can think of is your next breath in, your next breath out, you cant continuebecause there is no air but you cant stop because you havent got to the end of theroad?

Have you ever watched a sad movie or a TV show that just sucks you in and thenspits you out, but in the interim has completely involved you to the point that theirpain is your pain, their tears are your tears, taken you from your sad reality into their

even more upturned reality, only to send you back to a reality which still hurts, butseems silly for hurting?

Have you ever listened to a song over and over and over, screaming the words at thetop of your lungs making each meaning your meaning?

Have you ever just broken down in tears, screamed in pain, felt the hurt deep fromthe bottom of your gut, felt like you cant go on, felt like there are no more tears togive, no more of you to give, like you just cant do this anymore?

I have.

Twice.

But I am still here. I am still here.

And somehow, somewhere deep inside, deeper than the hurt, I found enough hopeto continue.

I am here. I dont know why, and I dont know how, but I am here

Thank the Lord I am still here (Chasing a Miracle, 2009).

A single tear rolled down my cheek. I let it, and as the tear turned to a river in the

dim light of the clouded afternoon I was not looking too the heavens as I knew I

should be, I was simply sobbing. Curled up on the grass, knees tucked to my chest,

too scared to move, too ashamed, too hurt, it was just too much. I rocked my body,

I sobbed, I screamed, I planted my face on the cold dirt and screamed a scream so

real it pained. Why me, why? I couldnt feel my fingers or my toes; my heart had

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no life, and my mind My mind was racing; simply just circling. As the tears

streamed down my face all I could fathom to thought was I want to go home.

I slowly rose from the depths of my depression and aloneness and walked

inside and found my phone sitting on top my suitcase. Everything was ready to go.

I didnt know where I was going, but I knew that I had to go. I couldnt stay here,

the pain was just too much, and the darkness consumed me. My mind too twisted to

make sense of anything and everything. I wondered where my family was. Werent

they meant to be coming on this journey with me? I looked at the phone in my hand

and redialled the most used number. My husband didnt answer. Where could he

be? Why doesnt he answer? Why doesnt he pick up? Where is he, where is my

child? Another tear rolled down my cheek as I threw the phone across the room in

anger. Dont they know I need them? Doesnt my husband know that he has to be

here for me; doesnt he know I cannot do this by myself?

I heard a car waiting for me outside; it was time to go.

**********

We didnt travel far, yet as I opened the car door I couldnt help but to notice

the nonexistent sunset. My heart was telling me it was there, but all I could see werethe dark clouds on the horizon, it looked like rain. I walked towards the plane that

just stood so ominously in front of me, and as I looked around for my family I

noticed the car I arrived in was gone, once again I was alone in darkness.

I walked toward the plane and slowly boarded, I had no idea where I was

going, all I knew is that it had to be better than here. Anything would be better than

here. As I entered the plane I was drawn towards the back and as I drew closer I

noticed a little girl sitting all alone. I sat down next to her. She was strangely

familiar; something behind the sadness in her eyes looked recognisable but I just

couldnt place it. She stared at me with the same puzzled look as I was giving her,

and as the tears began to stream down her face for a minute I thought I heard her

sob the words I want to go home. Where is my home? I think I am lost. She

sighs a sigh too deep for words (Brown, 2012a, p. 15).

As I sat in my aloneness with the little girl I noticed more passengers

boarding the plane. Just as the plane did, they too looked ominous. The little girl

clings to my arm and looks at me in apprehension. I knew why, as I felt the same

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way. These passengers were not nice - I knew them, I knew them well. One by one

Fear, Dread, Hate, Shame, Pain and Angst all sat down. My heart began to beat and

I wondered what I was doing, where I was going and if I should have just ignored

the call to board the plane.

You are meant to be here I looked up and I saw a man, he too seemed

familiar but again I couldnt place him. I ask where we were going, to which there

was no response. He rubbed my shoulder and moved to the front of the plane

ignoring the other passengers. Didnt he see the little girl, didnt he see the others?

Why did he only see me? As he got to the front of the plane he placed a Pilots hat

on and moved into the cockpit.

I look once more into the little girls eyes, she must have been about 11, and

yet Yet she seemed so much younger, so scared, and so alone. All I could think

was that she was reflecting my emotions, it felt like something was eluding her, like

she was stuck in the midst of darkness (Brown, 2012a, p. 18) living a lie (Brown,

2012a, p. 22). I wanted to help her, but in my heart I knew I couldnt. I began to

think of my own daughter, of the little girl she was growing into, and as I looked out

of the plane window to the storm that was now only moments away from erupting, I

let out the tears that I had been holding back since the passengers boarded. It was

only a few years ago that my darkness began, that the passengers began truly showingthemselves in my life

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CHAPTERONELOSING CONTROL

Through the estrangement of my loneliness to the embrace of solitudeI couldnt hear her and I couldnt see her, there were people everywhere rushingaround the small theatre. I just wanted to hold her, to feel her, to know that she wasok. But as I looked desperately to my left trying to see my child, I began feeling painagain, I began shaking so uncontrollably that both my husband and the anaesthetisthad to hold me down, and from what I can recall I was crying, I dont know why, butI could feel the warm tears running down my face as I turned my head once again inan attempt to see my baby. As I lay there helplessly pinned to the table finally there

was a cry, my miracle was ok, my precious little baby girl was ok, I couldnt see her, I

couldnt feel her, I couldnt just hold her but at least in that moment I knew shewas ok.

To this day I still dont remember holding her, I dont remember looking into hereyes, and I dont remember anything much beyond the tears and the pain. It hurt, I

was in pain, I was uncomfortable and when all I wanted was to do was hold the babyI longed for with everything that was inside of me, I couldnt, she was so small thatshe was transferred and snuggled in a crib attached to wires to help her stay warm. I

wish I remembered telling the nurse her name, and I wish I remembered the goodthings, but all I can remember from that point on was the counting, the doctorsremoving the utensils from my body, seeing my legs in the air but not feeling it, the

sensation of the doctor cleaning out my insides, the sensation of my skin beingpulled back together, and the feeling once again of helplessness as my body shookfrom all the drugs going through my system.

The time passed neither quickly or slowly and as the drugs from the spinal block andepidural streamed through my body my mind decided to play tricks on me. I laythere not knowing what was really happening, confused like I was in a dream state.

As I closed my eyes and opened them again my heart began hurting as I realised Iwas all alone in the theatre. My husband and baby were nowhere to be seen as thedoctor finished the final stitches in the operation. Just as I thought I couldnt handleit anymore, when I just wanted the whole experience to be over no matter the

consequences, my helpless naked body was transferred from the cold operating tableonto my hospital bed and wheeled into recovery where my precious little miracle layin her humidicrib with her father right by her side. I think in that moment Imanaged a smile, I think I managed through the pain to feel some happiness, and Ithink at that moment I can remember for a brief minute being so grateful for thetime I had just me, my husband, my miracle baby my new family, together just asI had always wanted. I just wish that minute had lasted (Schull, 2011, pp.81-82)

I know in my heart that on that day the passengers I now saw on the plane

were in my room. As I stare out of the plane window at the dark clouds my mind

slips back to that day, alone on the cold operating table, arms outstretched, no one

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else is in the room this time. Shaking on the table, I cant feel my baby, I cant see

my husband, and as my naked, lifeless and helpless body lies there the door opens

and I see Fear walk in. Then comes Pain, he walks over to my body and laughs at it.

Suddenly the door swings open again and in comes Dread, Hate and Shame. I cant

take this, I am sobbing on the cold metal table, I roll over and there is Angst, he is

laughing too.

My body shakes uncontrollably I cannot gain control (Brown, 2012a, p. 27)

and as I roll back over, I notice the door opened one last time, Grief enters holding

the hand of the little girl. Why was the girl there, she shouldnt have been there, but

she was, and so was Grief and all the passengers.

As the memory of that day fades, and as my mind reverts back to where I

actually was on the plane, I stare over to the passengers I knew so well. They are all

sitting there so proud, like they realise just how much they bother me. They begin to

chatter amongst themselves. I cannot hear what they are saying, but it feels like they

are talking about me, judging me for my life.

I turn to the little girl; I just cant place her face. I know you, youve been

with me for a while now. She just sits and sobs, I want to go home! Take me

home, take me home! The passengers hear her cries and all at once they stop, they

stare at us and start yelling at us both.Fear screams that he is only protecting us, that if we had listened to him we

wouldnt be here right now. Dread stands up and moves beside Fear, he looks down

on me, on us with such criticism Why did you bother, we told you so. Hate stands

up, he splits in two and suddenly there is Hate and Anger, they snidely speak in

unison to us Dont ignore us, you are nothing without us, you needus. The tears

begin to roll down my cheeks, the little girl is sobbing so loudly the noise is too

much for me. I cover my ears only to have Pain walk over to me and violently rip

my hands away from my ears You are nothing without pain, you are nothing

without me. You need me in your life, you need to rely on me, you are NOTHING

without me!

I fall to the floor of the plane, and along side the little girl I sob

uncontrollably, I cant stop, I dont want to stop and then, as if by magic I see the

Pilots hand outstretched. He is helping us up. Come, my child, come. Take rest.

Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart (Matt 11:28-30, MSG). The

little girl and I get up from the floor; I feel a sense of calm wash over me. It is time,

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my child, it is time. He holds the little girls hand, it almost feels like he is holding

mine to, but I can see that he is not. He speaks:

This is the invitation to bring the whole of you, my child. Your beautifulmind, your open and receptive heart, with its capabilities of a more spacious

and steady mind, intuition, feelings and emotions, and body responses. Yourshy and reluctant soul, your enlivened spirit, your active and believingimagination and your whole conscience awareness (Brown, 2012b, p. 17)

Suddenly I feel confident, and as I turn I see the door to the plane is open

and more guests are entering. The other passengers are silenced, the little girls hand

finds its way in mine and as the Pilot heads back to the cockpit, the new guests begin

to take their seats. Insight takes her seat next to Fear and Dread and whispers,

Whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease without Fear or harm.

(Prov. 1:33, NIV). Peace and Calm then take their place beside Pain and Angst, they

softly speak in unison Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is

noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things (Phil. 4:8, NIV).

Shame is now joined with Gratitude, and as my heart begins to be filled with a sense

of hope I see Love move towards Hurt and Anger, before she sits she hesitates,

moves gracefully toward the little girl, strokes her hair and kisses her gently on her

forehead. Once again it is almost as if I feel the touch.

I breath in the feeling, I feel it, and for the first time I dont feel alone, my

heart feels quite, I feel loved, I feel grateful, I feel calm wash over my soul. I close

my eyes and I hear the sounds of music, calm music, I feel the little girls head rest

against mine, and as I open my eyes I see Joy. Joy takes her seat next to Grief; she

looks over at me and simply smiles, I dont hear her words, but I feel them The

way, the truth, the light finds peace, it shines bright. And in it, with it, a dove. A

dove of faith, hope and love I come to a place of solitude, I dont feel aloneanymore, I dont feel the darkness so heavy. I look up to see the Pilot is watching

over the little girl and me, he doesnt speak for a minute, then he looks out at the

storm and speaks:

Look over your shoulder, past your thoughts, your emotions, reactions, andthe commentaries of these other passengers. Come to this place of rest moreoften and just as you have done today attend to their essence. Allow for thedeeper cry or desire of your heart to surface. Notice that you are far morethan your worst thoughts, be the witness to your soul know that you are

embraced, my child, know that you are on your way (Brown, 2012b, p. 32).

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The Pilot smiles, I look to the little girl who also looks at peace, once again

reflecting my inner emotions. Who is she? Why can I not remove the feeling I have

known her for a while. Suddenly I realise the Pilot is back in his cockpit; the engines

of the plane have started up. Are we going home now? The little girl looks into

my eyes with such hope and expectation. I reply I hope so, I really hope so

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CHAPTERTWOANGERARISES

Through the estrangement of our relational defensiveness (hostility) to the hospitality ofembrace

I look out the window at the storm clouds, they havent eased, they look so

angry and dark and I wonder if we can really fly through such a daunting storm. The

little girl looks out the window and shivers. She turns to me they look so angry, I

dont understand anger, why is everyone so angry? I turn from the clouds and look

deep into her eyes. All I can see is sadness, innocence, but no anger. Definatly no

anger. Have you not felt angry? No, but everyone tells me I should be angry,

should I be angry? Should you be angry? I ask. The little girl looks out the

window and then back to me Once something happened, I felt really really sad, I

couldnt stop crying, I was scared and I didnt know how to feel. There was an adult,

we were in a room, she handed me tissues, she said I had to cry, she said I couldnt

leave the room til I was angry and til I cried the anger out. The little girl sighs and

looks at me with tears in her eyes. But I wasnt angry! The lady, she wanted me to

be angry with someone who I loved. I didnt want to be angry, I just wanted that

person back. I didnt want the person to leave me, but I wasnt angry, I just wasnt

angry, and the lady - she wouldnt let me go and play with my friends until I cried.

The little girl leaned against my shoulder and sobbed. I couldnt help but to shed a

tear for her, she was pulling at my own heartstrings, yet I didnt know why. Why did

that story sound so familiar, what was it about this little girl that wanted me to help

her? As I let her sob against my shoulder I once again starred out the window. The

little girls story reminded me of my own anger and hostility, the defences I put up a

long time ago.

God help me! Help me! Help me! I screamed to the heavens as I held onto thedrawers so tight, so scared that if I let go I would fall so far that I would never beable to get up. As I looked down at the dark tiles I realised that Ive been herebefore, too many times before, but it never hurt this much. I wanted to know how Iended up here again? How did I end up once more on the floor sobbing souncontrollably, the pain running so deep I just couldnt get it out? How did I end upon the cold tiles holding on to the drawers for dear life screaming out to God to helpme, feeling the pain, the hurt stuck so deep I couldnt breathe. Why me, why does italways have to happen to me? My rational mind told me that this time was different:

that I had everything to live for, that ten months ago I would never have imagined

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myself to have everything I had ever imagined, a daughter, a family, unconditionallove. But the irrational side, the side that was hurting, just kept telling me that it

would never be ok, that no matter how much time passed I would never know truehappiness. I knew in my heart I had to get up, that no matter how deep the pain wasright now I had to get up. It took some time, but eventually through my own pain,

through my own screams I realised that my daughter was screaming too, and that herscreams were just so loud I wasnt sure why I hadnt heard it sooner. The baby I

would die for to keep from harm, my child, she was screaming like she could feelevery ounce of my pain and as my husband stood in the hall powerless to stop herand powerless to help me I knew that I just had to get up. I grabbed onto thedrawers so tight to pull myself up that the pain in my hands took over from the painin my heart and even if it was just for that one second, that pain, the physical pain

was far better than the emotional pain I had let myself suppress for all this time. Inthe darkness of the beautiful nursery I was in, my husband entered, and as mydaughter reached out for me, as he passed her over to me she cuddled into my chestso tight it was just as if she needed me as much as I needed her. My George - my

precious girl - wanted and needed her mum, just as I felt like I needed my own mumright now. I wished I could be whole, I wished that I could be stronger if only forthe child I held. I wanted not to hurt; I wanted to be perfect, perfect just as she is. Idont want her to suffer like I did, I dont want to pass this pain on to her, I live forher, I want to be whole for her, but in the dark of the night, as I stood there missingmy own mum, the irrational side of me took over and continued to tell me that Icannot do it, I just cannot be whole for her if I dont get the pain out. And as Istood there I cried out to God once more, I cried out loud to him to make me

whole, to free my mind of all the pain I had gone through to get to this point, thepain I had been holding onto since I was a little girl. GOD HELP ME! HELP ME!HELP ME! I screamed in a whisper. Take this pain from my heart, make me whole,

take it away take it from me, take it. Just take it.

As the emotions escaped me, I tried to comprehend the reality I was living. I tried tocomprehend why all I could think was that I wanted my mum, why all I could think

was that I wanted to go home. It didnt make sense: I was home and I knew Icouldnt have my mum. I was supposed to be grown up and I was supposed to know

what to do... I was supposed to be whole now that I had my daughter in my arms,but in the darkness of the night as I still shook uncontrollably and as I held tight tomy daughter, all I could feel was pain (Schull, 2011, pp.1-3)

As all the anger and pain of that time came flooding back to me, I felt my

heart tighten and my head couldnt wrap itself around the defences I put up over the

years. I looked over at the calmed passengers and began thinking it was their entire

fault. It felt like there was always something dark about to raise up and overwhelm

me, it always felt like I was on the verge of drowning in my own grief (Brown, 2012a,

p. 41). It felt like the only way to stop this was to put up my walls, to stop the

emotions, to stop anything getting in or out. I cant help but to stare intently at the

passenger Anger. Love may have calmed him before, but as his eyes meet mine he

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got up and sat in front of us. His face is distorted, I feel the little girl squeeze my

hand tight, I didnt like the looks of him either. Anger leans forward towards me I

like toiling with you, he whispers Love may get you on the verge of realisation, but

it is me who gets to shift your attention onto others, it is me who gets you to project

what you cannot acknowledge in yourself! (Brown, 2012a, p. 42). Anger laughs at

me knowingly. I know he is right. I know I push everyone else around me, I know I

want everyone else to realise their pain simply so that I can avoid my own. But how

can I stop that? The little girl is still holding my arm, she looks up to me, I see how

she longs for he heart to be nurtured and to receive love without condition (Brown,

2012a, p. 37). As if inside her, I feel her pain of abandonment, she looks down and

whispers How come I was never loved? How come no one ever appreciates my

efforts? My Daddy says its not good enough, he says that next time I have to try

harder. How come no one ever likes me? They all tease me, and my Daddy just says

to ignore them, but they all laugh at me cause I dont know anything. I go home

and there is no one to cuddle me, my Daddy isnt there, he has to work, and my

sister just wants to cuddle her boyfriend, no one will cuddle me. Will you cuddle me

now? When I get home, will someone cuddle me there? I look to the girl, I cant

help but to cry, I feel it, I feel it so deep, I just want a cuddle too, no one ever wants

to cuddle me either. My Mother used to cuddle me; she was the only one who reallyloved me. I sigh. I let the little girl cuddle me, and I cuddle back so tightly I feel like

I could never let go. It seemed we both had the same void in our hearts waiting for

it to be filled (Brown, 2012a, p. 37).

As we embrace each other, sharing each others pain, the door to the plane

that had closed quite a while ago, began to re-open. The Pilot came out and let us

know that we had another guest to board. I wondered who it could be. The Pilot

approached us While we wait for our final guest, I will bring you your meals. He

moved toward what I assumed was a little kitchen; the little girl and I positioned our

tables down. The Pilot placed each of our dinners in front of us and moved back to

the cockpit. I lifted the lid of mine only to see the words You are loved You are

cherished You are needed You are respected. I close my eyes and instantly I

feel full. I look over to the little girls dinner plate; her meal is different to mine.

You are loved You make me proud You are wanted You are unique You

neednt hide. Without realising it the Pilot had actually left a dessert plate for us

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both to share. The little girl and I lift the lid of the third plate together, we both

smile when we see the words that are written. You are forgiven.

As I look up from the words I feel the sense of abandonment leave me, I feel

embraced and I feel worthy. I see a light coming from the open door way, and

floating in with elegance and beauty there was Forgiveness. She was tall, picturesque,

so graceful, so open with love and hope. I could feel her presence deep within my

heart. I felt the little girl tugging on my sleeve. She looked up at me I feel it here

she said as she pointed to her heart. I feel it too, it is so lovely. Forgiveness floated

over to us, she sat down, stroked our faces with her hands You are chosen, you may

not have been chosen out there (she points outside the plane) but the Pilot has

chosen you now. Once you trust that you are precious you will be held safe in

everlasting embrace. Claim the light, and you will find yourselves more radiant

(Nouwen, 1992, pp. 59, 63).

As Forgiveness moved to her seat, the door of the plane closed once more.

The Pilots voice came over the speakers above, he seems so formal this time.

Ladies and Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking I would like to welcome you

onboard Soul Air flight destined for Home. Flight duration is unknown and we are

expecting a little bit of turbulence along the way. Once again we thank you for

choosing to fly with us today and we hope you embrace the importance of thisflight.

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CHAPTERTHREESURRENDER

Through the estrangement of our addictions, illusions and temptations to the embrace ofrelational intimacy with The One in whom we are truly known

The engines roar deeper than any noise I have ever heard before, almost to

the point of echoing in my heart. The plane begins to move, slowly at first then as it

speeds and lifts from the ground, my heart skips a beat and my ears pop. I look out

to the grey clouds that we ascending above, there is no rain in them anymore, and as

we rise above them I realise they are not as daunting as they are from below. With

Forgiveness on the plane I have began feeling ok. Perhaps even excited about the

journey. As I look over to the little girl I notice she is asleep. I look out to the

window and suddenly feel like I have forgotten to bring something on this journey.

I stare so intently into oblivion trying to remember what it is I have

forgotten, that I do not notice Pain raising from his seat. Peace tries to stop him, but

he moves so quickly over toward me. Without even realising it was coming, he

punches me with all his might in my belly. It leaves behind a false sense of hunger,

emptiness I just cant describe. I dont whinge; I dont want to wake up the little girl.

I just sit there holding my tummy. Angst rises from his seat, stands next to Pain and

hands me some gum, I open the pack and start chewing; instantly the false huger

pain subsides. As if by magic Angst has found what looks to be a shopping bag filled

with packets of gum. He pours them onto my lap, all I can see is the gum, and yet it

makes my belly feel full, not in pain. Angst leaves the gum surrounding me and

moves back to his seat with Pain.

I look out the window again, still searching my mind for what it is I have

forgotten. I just cant shake the feeling that I need something more. I open another

packet of gum and begin chewing one piece after the other, just thinking, searching

my mind, trying to figure out what the empty feeling is inside. I feel powerless over

this need (Brown, 2012a, p. 62). I look out of the window; I tell myself that my bad

habits are inconsequential compared to other addictions (May, 2004, p. 48) and yet it

doesnt alleviate the feeling that I have forgotten something. I notice the Pilot

coming from the cockpit, I try to hide the gum packets, but he sees them before I

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have the change to hide them. I have a feeling he knew they were there anyway, that

my desire for them is always there.

He walks towards me and my heart begins to race, I dont want him to take

the gum away from me, I feel like I need it. I want it there beside me, it makes me

feel good. When I am down, when I am hungry, it feels like the only thing that can

fill me up, the only thing that can satisfy me. The Pilot leans over the sleeping girl

and whispers to me My grace is all you need; my power finds its full strength in

weakness. I prefer you to find joy and pride in your weaknesses, for it is those

weaknesses, the admission of those weaknesses that will ultimately set you free.

Remember, my child, when you are weak, you are strong. (May, 2004, p. 82; 2 Cor.

12:7-10, NIV). I look up to the Pilot and willingly begin to hand over the packets of

gum; I know I must surrender them to him. In replacement of the gum the Pilot

hands me a heat pack for my tummy. I place it on my belly and as I look to the Pilot

and simply focus on his nurturing healing eyes I feel relief wash over me. I lay my

head back and begin to feel restful. Everyone else is asleep, I begin to appreciate the

silence and listen intently and gracefully to the voices inside my head that say kind

things (Nouwen, 1992, p. 76). I begin to meditate and find my place where I am able

to surrender all the fantasies I have about my inability to give up my control over

things that I cannot change. Suddenly I realise that my greatest pain has beenhomesickness. Just like the little girl who sleeps beside me, I too just want to go

home. I havent left anything behind, I havent forgotten anything; I have just

forgotten where my home truly is (Brown, 2012a, p. 64).

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CHAPTERFOURHOPE

Through the estrangement of shadow to the embrace of unity, integration and transparency

I open my eyes to realise that I have been at rest for some hours. As I look

out the window I notice the storm has passed and all of the clouds have disappeared.

It has become a beautiful clear morning, and while it is still dark, the stars are shining

so intently that I cannot help but to admire their beauty. I look around the cabin, it

is silent and the couples I silenced at the beginning of my journey still sleep. I know

that they will not always be silent, but I see them for who they are and I understand

now just how to ensure they cannot control me or take over me in the future.

I look over to the little girl who is still sleeping, I still cannot place her. She

looks so innocent, so hurt, so broken, I am just not sure how to help her, or why I

feel such a strong urge to help her. I can see the Pilot in the cockpit driving the

plane, he knows exactly where he is taking us. He turns around for a second and we

meet eyes, they are so gentle, loving and welcoming, he makes me want to go where

we are going. I look back out to the stars and simply just stare. I notice a tear rolling

down my cheek, I cannot help but to think back, and to question what led me to my

journey aboard this plane.

It had taken me a while to realise that I had to go somewhere, that I had to

pack my bags and journey to another place, to figure out where my true home was.

As I stared out into the night sky a little more intently the scenery began to blur and I

noticed my own reflection in the window. I looked into my own eyes, I searched my

face attempting to recognise myself. I ask myself in silence Why are you here? I

cannot answer because there was no earth-shattering event, there was no breakdown

like the many breakdowns I have had before, and yet this time it was different. It

was the right time. Perhaps it was the right people. As I bring myself back to the

stars outside and notice once more the Pilot and the passengers I realise I have come

much further than I could have ever imagined. I have begun welcoming home all of

my shadows and I have finally begun feeling more whole (Brown, 2012a, p. 68).

As I stare more intentionally at my reflection in the window of the plane, for

a split second I think about the shadows that have begun popping out of the

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darkness. I looked up at the Pilot, and for some reason he beckoned me over. I

stood and moved toward the front of the plane. As I entered the cockpit I noticed

just how many buttons there were needed to fly the plane. I looked at the Pilot

How do you know which direction you need to steer? I dont, my child. I feel my

way from here. He rested his hand on his heart and pointed to his head I dont let

up here guide me, his hand moved back to his heart, It is always from here.

For some reason I knew exactly what he meant, I knew what he was talking

about, he was flying not by sight, but by faith (2 Cor. 5:7, NIV). The Pilot turned his

seat around and welcomed me to sit in the Co-Pilots chair. There is something on

your heart, something you want to share with me. How did he know that I

wondered? There had been something on my heart, something I had been thinking

about since I left my house, something I had been thinking about since I meet the

little girl that sat sleeping at the back of the plane. Yes, I have been thinking about

my husband. We had a fight. A fight? Tell me about the fight

It wasnt really a fight in the end, I was really pushing myself. There was

something on the edge that I needed to connect.

You were pushing yourself, there was something on the edge that you

needed to connect?

Yes. I was screaming at my husband, he was staring at me in confusion; healways does that when my anger takes over. He told me not to be so stupid and I

went bonkers. I lost it, I was so angry I wanted to explode. I walked around the

house saying why am I such a stupid little girl, why am I so stupid, why am I so

stupid. It was like that one word set me off. I just dont understand why.

You question, why am I so stupid? The word stupid set you off, and you

dont understand why.

I reply by sighing, the Pilot turns to face the windows and look at the skies in

front of us. I thought he might help me more with what was on my mind, but

instead he asked me to return to my seat and wake up the little girl, as it was almost

time to descend.

I walk back to my seat and start thinking, why? What is coming to

consciousness? What is it about the word stupid? Why do I always think I am a

stupid little girl? I look out the window, I see a speck of light on the horizon, I focus

on it for a moment before turning to the little girl and tapping her gently in order to

wake her. She wakes and looks at me. I feel a sense of connection with this girl, yet

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I stillcannot place her. She looks heavy, sunken, sad. Are you ok? I had a dream,

it was about my mum. They think I am too young to understand. They wouldnt tell

me what was going on, they think I am stupid! I just wanted to know what was

going on, I wanted someone to tell me she was dying, I wanted someone to tell me

to say goodbye, I didnt get to tell her I loved her! She died just before I got on this

plane. They think I am a stupid, a stupid girl but I needed to know she was that

sick, I needed to know! Why didnt they just tell me? The little girl sobbed and

sobbed and sobbed until she fell into my arms shaking almost uncontrollably.

As I hold her tightly I begin letting my own pain out. I whisper to her You

are not stupid, they dont think you are stupid she looks up at me with her innocent

eyes and as if by magic I know where I know her. She is me, she is my 11 year old

self!

As we cry together, I cry for the years I have let one word bother me and

guide me to darker depths of depression, I hold the little girl tightly and I whisper in

her ear, They dont think you are too little, or too stupid, they didnt know. They

didnt know that she was going to die, they didnt know that they needed to tell you

to say goodbye, they thought she was better. You are not stupid. I hold the little

girl so close to comfort her, the embrace soothes me and as our hearts beat in unison

I whisper to her It is time. No longer will we live in our pain for we can be bothnaive and knowing; we can hurt and heal at the same time. This is the invitation to

see more than one truth, to have hope. The little girls stares at me in confusion

How do I hope?

I look to the little girl, into my 11 year old eyes, I bring her onto my lap and I

look out of the window at the speck of light that was ever so slowly rising in the

horizon.

There is a time of day, first thing, when I walk outside. I look to my left and it ispitch black the moon is shinning, and all the stars are out But then I look to myright, and there on the horizon is a little glimmer of light, a speckle of orange sobright I cant look at it for longer than a second, that glimmer of light, that is myhope.

As I sit and watch, slowly the glimmer of light gets brighter and brighter, and when Iturn to my left there is no more darkness

Sometimes, that light moves behind clouds and I cant see it anymore, but in time,the clouds part and the rays of light manage to shine through again

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That is my hope. That is why I can go on. Because I know that no matter how darkit is on the left hand side of me, I know that soon the light will rise to the right, andtake over the darkness (Chasing A Miracle, 2010b).

I hugged my 11 year old self tight, and I whispered once more Do you seethat little light? That light means that we will no longer suppress the shadows of our

past. What we know is valid; we will use our shadows as a guide to knowing who we

are. No longer will we believe only one truth! Together as one we can actively

address the shadows, the parts of us that we know are not our true identity - our

outbursts, our jealousy to other, our revisiting of our pain, our trying to be someone

else. We will bring them to light. No longer will there be a facade... For we can be

whole and broken at the same time... This is what it means to live in the light.

The little girls eyes and mine meet again and we both look outside as the sun

raises past the horizon and lights up the sky in an array of orange. The little girl

looks at me and simply says It is time to go home. It is time to go home now isnt

it? I look at her with a glint of a tear in my eye and smile Yes, we are going home

now, we are finally going home!

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EPILOGUEHOME

The Pilots voice comes over the speakers Ladies and Gentlemen this is

your Captain speaking. I would like to thank you for flying Soul Air. We are on our

decent to Home and should arrive in ten minutes. Please fasten your seatbelts and

prepare for landing. Once again we thank you for choosing to fly with us today and

we hope you have grown from your experience aboard Soul Air.

Are we really here? the little girl looks up at me excitedly, Are we really

home? Nearly I reply, Nearly!

I look over at the other passengers; Fear and Dread still sit with Insight.

Hate and Anger still sit next to Love. Shame and Gratitude hold hands, as do Pain

and Peace, Angst and Calm, Grief and Joy. They all sit there content in their

couples, and Forgiveness, Forgiveness sits up the front shining over all of them.

Now I see them settled I know they cannot bother me so much. I look down to my

hands. I open them and look at the note that has just appeared. It is the note that

was given to me at mealtime. Instantly I feel loved and cherished, I feel like I am the

only one that matters. I can see the Pilot in the cockpit, he turns and smiles at me. I

cant wait to get to where we are going, I feel like the promise is perfect.

I look to Forgiveness; just knowing she is there makes me feel whole. She

makes me feel open and loving. I take the little girls hand in mine and hold it to my

chest; I close my eyes and simply feel a sense of music within my heat. I look out the

window and soak in the sun and the magnificent land that I see in front of us. I

close my eyes once more and just feel the plane descending. I look to the cockpit at

the Pilot, I notice the gum I handed over to him earlier in the flight I dont want it

anymore. In fact for the first time I notice my stomach doesnt hurt. I turned back

to the planes decent through the clouds and as I get a glimpse of the magnificent

land I feel my heart expand in joy and hope. As I simply watched the world pass by

outside I couldnt help but to notice out of the corner of my eye something

happening to the little girl. I turned to her just in time to see a black silhouette

emerging from her body, I wanted to help her, but I felt there wasnt anything I

could do. As I watched the darkness emerging from her I become aware of a glow

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growing, of light radiating from within her. The light got brighter and brighter and

as if by magic the dark shadow that was still looming around turned to white and

dissipated. I turned away for a second to ponder on what I just saw, and when I

looked back the little girl was gone.

I turned and looked out at the land that was becoming closer to us, I wasnt

sad that the little girl was gone, instead I felt complete, and for the first time in a long

time I felt full and content. I felt like me, in my own skin. As the plane hit the

runway I realised I was now alone. It was just the Pilot and me. The passengers

were nowhere to be seen. The plane came to a standstill I unbuckled and moved to

the front of the plane. I joined the Pilot at the door. He opened it and for a

moment and all I could see was the brightness of the sun. As my eyes adjusted I

noticed two people waiting for me on the runway, my daughter and my husband. I

wanted to run out to them, my daughter was so beautiful her hair glistening in the

light.

I look to the Pilot I can be her mother now, I am home! I am finally home!

I think to myself: the little girl is home as well, she has grown up, she has admitted to

her shadows, to her addictions, to her hostility and aloneness, and now she is ready

to embrace her true self. She is home, I am home, I am truly home!

As I take my first step down the stairs, the Pilot quickly grabs my hand andstops me. One last thing he points to my suitcase, the one I had taken on my

journey, I need that I hand him the suitcase. He opens it up to find a black heart,

he takes the suitcase and the black heart and crumbles them to dust. He takes both

his hands into mine and places a white heart in my palms. Hold onto this, when

you start loosing sight of your homeland, when the clouds cover the sunshine, open

your hands look at this heart, and remember that I am always here. I will be with

you, watching over you and your family until we meet again

With the white heart tightly in my hands, I walked down the stairs, stopped

and turned back. I watched the Pilot move into the plane and the door closed

behind him. I turned to my family and locked eyes with my daughter. She runs over

to me and I fall to my knees to embrace her. My love for her is so real, so

unconditional; I would do anything for her, anything not to see her in pain. I would

travel on Soul Air a thousand times over if it simply meant seeing her whole and

balanced because her mother is whole and balanced.

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I looked at my family and looked back to the plane, I knew that my family

having the best version of me was what inspired my soul to something more, to

taking the journey Home. I knew right at that point that understanding and tuning

into what I truly needed to be fulfilled was the key. I realised that even before the

flight I had just embarked on that my soul had been hungry for Home. I realised as I

stood there in the light of the beautiful day, that in order to be all that I wanted to be

for my family I need to rest, to enjoy being comforted in solitude, to hand my

control over, and to simply enjoy each and every moment I had good and bad.

As my family and I walked to the car that was waiting to take us further into

our Homeland my husband turned to me Where did you go for so long? I missed

you. I couldnt help but to smile. I missed you too. It doesnt matter where I have

been; all that matters is that I am here now. Home, where I am meant to be.

Hope Will Lead Us On

Rise up again, Shake off the shadows. Unlock the doors, And let hope live oncemore. Cause up from the ashes, A fire is woken, Cause those who were broken,

Are becoming the chosen.

So lift up your eyes, Cause we're not forgotten, And hope will lead us on.

Our hearts come alive, With every moment. Become the flame, That shows us the

way. So sing out your freedom, Sing it out loud, Cause though we are broken,We're becoming the chosen.

So lift up your eyes, Cause we're not forgotten, And hope will lead us onOh we pray for the dawn, And we reach for the morning

And hope will lead us on.

Oh the day will come, As we press on, When the battle's won.

So lift up your eyes, Cause we're not forgotten, And hope will lead us on.

So lift up your eyes, Cause we're not forgotten, And hope will lead us onOh we pray for the dawn, And we reach for the morning

And hope will lead us on, And hope will lead us onAnd hope will lead us on (Barlow Girl, 2012)

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Nouwen, H. (1992). Life of the beloved. NY: The Crossroad Publishing Company.

Parent Hub. (2013). Happy Woman[Photograph]. Retrieved 9 June 2013 fromhttp://www.parenthub.com.au/pregnancy/pregnancy-week-by-week/6-weeks-pregnant/attachment/80409746-happy-woman/

Positive Thoughts. (2010). How to Remain Calm with Positive Thoughts[Photograph].Retrieved 9 June 2013 from http://positivethoughts.in/remain-calm-with-positive-thoughts

Psychology Today. (2013). (B&W painful expression)[Photograph]. Retrieved 9 June2013 from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/body-sense/201204/emotional-and-physical-pain-activate-similar-brain-regions

Realizing Happiness. (n.d.). Peaceful Face[Photograph]. Retrieved 9 June 2013from http://www.realizinghappiness.com/inner-peace.html

Rodale Inc. (2013). (Woman smellling flowers)[Photograph]. Retrieved 9 June 2013from http://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/gratitude-survey

Schull, C. (2011). Chasing a Miracle: A journey like no other. Unpublished paper.

Schull, C. (2010). Have you ever. Retrieved 9 June 2013 from Chasing A Miraclehttp://chasingamiracle.com/2009/09/day-six-have-you-ever/

Schull, C. (2010).All Things Hoped For. Retrieved 9 June 2013 from Chasing AMiracle http://chasingamiracle.com/2010/04/day-193-all-things-hoped-for/

Stoddart, B. (n.d.). Traditional Books[Photograph]. Retrieved 9 June 2013 fromhttp://professorbrianstoddart.wordpress.com/2012/06/03/old-books-and-new-technology/

The Holy Bible: New International Version. (2004). MA: Hendrickson.

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REFERENCES CONT.

Travel Hub. (2012).Night flight. Jet aircraft over the sea at dusk [Photograph].Retrieved 8 June 2013 from http://travelhub.insureandgo.com.au/2013/02/tips-sleeping-flights/night-flight-jet-aircraft-over-the-sea-at-dusk/

VisualizeUs. (2013).Anger[Photograph]. Retrieved 8 June 2013 fromhttp://vi.sualize.us/anger_men_man_angry_portrait_picture_48fo.html

Wallpaperscraft. (n.d.).girl face smile happiness summer[Photograph]. Retrieved 8June 2013 fromhttp://wallpaperscraft.com/download/girl_face_smile_happiness_summer_55182/1152x864

Yahoo!7 Pty Ltd. (2013a).A Face in the Dark [Photograph]. Retrieved 8 June 2013from http://www.flickr.com/photos/joshsommers/483412717/

Yahoo!7 Pty Ltd. (2013b). Happy Woman[Photogrpah]. Retrieved 8 June 2013from http://www.flickr.com/photos/59632563@N04/6175811463/

(Kuvaton, n.d.)

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SIGNIFICANT

RESOURCESI am enough of an artistto draw freely upon myimagination. Imaginationis more important thanknowledge. Knowledgeis limited. Imaginationencircles the world.

Albert Einstein(Good Reads, 2013, 31)

Bastille. (2013). Pompeii[Song]. Smith, D. & Crew, M.

Food Addiction Australia. (2013).

http://www.facebook.com/foodaddictionaustralia

I Bible Verses. (2013). http://www.facebook.com/iBibleVerses

Imagine Dragons. (2012). Daemons[Song]. KIDinaKORNER/InterscopeRecords.

iSEE Church. (2013). http://www.facebook.com/pages/iSEE-Church/128119547311088

Kerrie Roberts. (2013). Finally Home[Song]. Provident Label Group LLC.

Laura Story. (2011). Blessings[Song]. Skorinc.

Lessons Learned in Life. (2013). http://www.facebook.com/lessonslearnedinlife

Lifeplace Podcast. (2013). Ben Windle @ Lifeplace. Retrieved from iTunes Podcastsweekly.

Piano Classics Player. (2011). iTunes. 101 Piano Classics: Best Piano Songs, ClassicalPiano Music and Relaxing Music[Cd]. Equilibrium.

Seligman, M. E. (2012). Flourish. N.S.W: Random House Australia.

Ward, V (Director). (1998). What dreams may come[Film]. USA: Polygram FilmedEntertainment, Interscope Communications & Metafilmics.

Young, S. (2004).Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence. TN: Thomas Neilson.

YouTube. (2013). Barlow Girl - Hope Will Lead Us On. Retrieved 8 June 2013 fromhttp://youtu.be/w53tTRDD5W0

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SIGNIFICANT RESOURCES CONT.

People Who Continually Inspire Me:Bernii Elvery Stepsister

Julie Angell SisterJanny Yntema Mother

Ray & Janna Yntema GrandparentsJennifer Yntema Schull Daughter

Jay Schull Husband

Things That Continually Inspire Me:SunrisesRunning

Cherry Blossoms

Faith, Love, Hope.

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It is our past experiences and emotions that make us who we are. The

experiences we live through; the sadness we suffer, the hurt we endure, the

happiness we feel, and the love we come to know creates us, molds our souls.

Without our past, we cannot learn and we cannot appreciate all that this life and

the people in it have to offer us.

It has taken me a long time to realise that while the past has made we who

I am, it is not what I am. My past sadness and heart ache has made me grateful

and compassionate, it has made me appreciate everything that I have now, and

taught me that while the future is untold, the story can be filled with happiness,

love and hope so long as you choose to write the story that way

Because sometimes, hope knows the sun has risen even when the clouds

cover every ray of light.

Dont be afraid of a little crazy It makes for a

more interesting day!Cheryl Schull

About Cheryl Schull

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There is a voice deep inside me, it screams so loud, the pain is

inexpressible. I want to hurt myself, I want to die, I cant go on, I just

CANNOT.GO.ON! God help me, I cant go on like this!

There is a feeling deep within me, a feeling that just wont go away I

want to go home, I just want to go home. The tears stream down my face, the

pain so real, what do I do? Where do I go from here? Where is my home?

Screaming from within so deep I know I must pack my bags and leave this

place, I just know that there is something better for me than this place I live in

right now. I feel something more, perhaps it is hope, perhaps it is faith

Perhaps it is my soul simply knowing where I belong, simply guiding me to the

place where my heart can finally sing, where I can finally feel fulfilled.

I pack my bags, I place them at the front door; it is time. It is time for this broken

heart to make the journey home. To have the courage to step aboard SoulAir:

Flight 17101982.

Cheryl Schull

(Etsy, Inc, 2013)

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SoulAir Flight 17101982