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South Australian Bridge Association Newsletter February 2019

In This Issue

Call The Director 2

Back Office News 2

When Partner Makes a Take-out Double David Lusk 3

Around The Clubs 5

Monthly Winners 6

Are You a Mauist? 10

Girls Don’t Play Football Ray Dohnt 15

Funnies Page 16

February Mon AM - Frank Coyle Pairs (RED)

Fri AM—Jean Harbison Pairs (RED)

Sat afternoon—Paddy Naylor Pairs

(RED)

Swiss Pairs Congress—Sun 10th Feb

With just one month into the club’s new pre-pay system over 500 members are already enjoying the benefits of not having to pay their fees at the table, as well as receiving a discount on their regular table fee. After some minor problems early in the first month, the system is now working well and has also been introduced at all satellite clubs. On last Thursday the club was bulging at the seams with 160 players. Of those, only 34 paid with cash. This is an excellent result which the club hopes will increase in coming months. The increase in table fees has also flowed on to monthly payments for both full and concession members from $120 & $130 to $130 & $140 respectively. Also, a reminder to all members that monthly ticket holders and vouchers cannot be used at any SABF event or SABA special events.

Discounted playing vouchers can no longer be purchased, as the pre-pay system offers the same value for money. Members with existing vouchers can still use them or return them for a credit onto their pre-pay account. Vouchers will continue to be given for monthly winners for the foreseeable future, but will eventually be replaced with pre-pay credits.

New SABA WIFI

The club has set up a new WiFi connection which will be easier to access and is faster. Connect to:

SABA-WIFI

Password: 0883733995

Pre-Pay Proves Popular

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CALL THE DIRECTOR

Following a recent incident, it seems appropriate to inform new bridge players and remind more seasoned ones of the role of the Director and the courtesy that should be given them.

Everyone’s done it, a lead or play out of turn, insufficient bids or revokes. Don’t make your own ruling even if you’re sure you could. Call the Director by calling audibly and holding a hand up to show where the call has come from. The first time I played a congress the Director was a frequent visitor to our table. The look on his face said ‘not you again’. Initially it felt embarrassing but that’s what happens when there are rules to be followed and things go awry.

The bids and cards should be left exactly as they were when the Director was called. The person who called (and only that person) should explain the situation. Mostly a rule provides a clear course of action.

Sometimes a Director may need to ask for additional or conflicting information from other players. Before they can make a ruling the facts need to be agreed. When facts are disputed there is no access to ‘hawk-eye’ or the ‘third umpire’. According to the Laws of Duplicate Bridge 2017 if, after considering all possibilities, a Director is unable to determine the facts to his satisfaction, “he makes a ruling that will permit play to continue”. Not only does a Director apply the Laws of Contract Bridge they are also responsible for the management of the bridge session and the orderly progress of the game.

If you don’t understand the ruling, politely ask if it can be explained to you after the session ends.

If you disagree with the Director’s explanation and ruling you have the right to appeal the ruling. This is an unlikely scenario most sessions of the week but occasionally occurs in gold point or state selection events. However, before doing this, please confer with at least two very experienced players to be sure you have valid grounds for an appeal. Players submitting frivolous appeals will be sanctioned by the club.

It is not acceptable to make a scene at the table, upset other players or those nearby, the Director included. The Director is doing their job and should be treated courteously. Whatever your opinion discuss it later.

SABA and its Satellite Clubs have been looking to increase its pool of Directors. Therese Demarco,

Ingrid Cooke and Wendy Hooper were welcome additions last year and there are others studying to complete the on-line exam. We should be thankful to those who take up this new challenge in their lives to fill an essential role in our bridge game.

BACK OFFICE NEWS

Noise Level

A number of our sessions are getting quite large and increased numbers means increased noise. A reminder to all members to keep the noise level to a minimum.

Slow Play

Another ongoing problem that needs constant reminding. One of the main culprits is discussing the hand just played before starting the next hand. Hands should not be discussed until the end of the round and only then if you have time.

Fouled Boards

Recently, there has been a spate of fouled boards. This generally occurs if the board is not left in the middle of the table, or when there is a sit-out and a pair looks at the hands. The director can see when a board has been fouled and the table that caused the fouled board will get an adjusted score of 40% for the board.

Membership Target

2018 Total 1350

2019 Target 1450

1st January 2019 1350

1st February 2019 1387

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When Partner Makes a Take-out Double:

It is important to remember the kind of hand promise by a take-out double.

Unless the double is based on a strong hand, by which case your forced response will be corrected to a suit or No-Trumps showing a hand that was too powerful for a simple overcall. Typically this would be 19+ and balanced or 16/17+ with a good suit.

As with overcalls, your intentions will be dictated by your strength and fit prospects.

Assuming that partner has doubled directly over an opening bid, your decisions may be affected by whether or not your RHO responds, passes or redoubles.

Over a direct suit response or raise, these are your options:

Wash-out hands: usually 0-5/6: Pass. Unless you are top of this range with an outstanding fit in an unbid suit.

Constructive hands: 7/8-9/10, (including positive distribution features): Make a “free bid” of any fitting suit, suggesting the balance of strength. You may bid at higher levels if the distribution warrants it. You may also bid 1NT, if the opportunity arises, guaranteeing a stopper in the opening suit, but not necessarily in the responder’s. Another option is to double with length in the responder’s new suit, to expose psychic responses or with a choice of two suits when responder raises

Invitational hands: Good 11-12: Higher level bids, such as 3 of a major, (suggesting 5), responsive doubles and cues of the opponent’s suit all show good hands. .

Game hands: usually 13+, including distribution. Shut your eyes and bid a game that looks right, make a responsive double* or cue an opponent’s suit if you need to fine-tune the best fit.

When the responder passes, your option to pass is revoked unless you firmly believe that their one level contract will be destroyed. Do this only ever if you have length and strength in that suit and a reasonable hand..

When LHO Passes:

Washout hands: bid your best suit at the lowest legal level, preferring to bid 3 card majors at the one level to poor minor suits at the two level. If you must bid at a higher level than is

comfortable, remember that partner has promised a fit in every suit but the one(s) bid by the opposition and an opening hand. Partner, on the other hand should be aware that you have not promised any values whatsoever.

With a constructive hand:

The safest agreement is to bid at one higher level than is sufficient under Law to show that your side has more high card points than the opposition, assuming that partner has an opening strength hand for the double..

1NT with a stopper in any suit bid by the opposition.

Actions with an invitational hand:

Cues of the opener’s suit ask partner to show more about their hand whilst double jumps show near game values with 5 cards or more.

2NT with a stopper in opponent’s suit. Bid a new (5+) card suit at the next level.

Actions with Game-going Hands:

Cue the opponent’s suit to receive more information or just bid a game in a decent suit.

3NT with an opening hand and stopper(s) in the opening suit, with no interest in a major.

Actions after an Intervening Redouble:

If the responder redoubles your partner’s call, this usually shows 10/11+ points. Most often, that doesn’t leave you with much, so you are likely to have a wash-out hand. Here are your options:

Pass with no 5 card suit to bid unless your partner has specifically promised both majors and you have a four-carder. With a pass, you are leaving partner to find his/her own way out. Passing the redouble out is not likely to be a wise choice, so expect the doubler to bid their lowest 4, or any 5 card suit.

Bid a 5 card suit at the cheapest level. If partner has the right hand for a double, you will be playing in a 5-3 or 5-4 fit. You don’t have any guarantees that you will make but failing should not be too expensive.

Bid 1NT ONLY if that would have been your bid in the absence of the redouble. It is usually wise to ask what the redouble promises under the opponents’ agreement.

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Examples A: Your LHO deals and opens 1D. Partner doubles.

Your hand is:

a) S KQ652 b) S QJ65 c) S Q1082 d) S 62 e) S AJ7

H K5 H AJ86 H J7 H KQ10 H 43

D 7654 D J75 D Q653 D AQ65 D Q1094

C A6 C Q43 C A75 C QJ43 C K832

a) 4S. You have a known spade fit (or partner owes you another bid with a good hand). You also have 12 HCP + distribution. Any other call leaves partner with a problem about level.

b) 2D. You are now promising invitational or game values. Not only should partner now come out with his/her preferred major, they should be doing it at the game level with extras. Bidding the opponent’s suit should never be an offer to play.

c) 2S. Partner has promised an opening bid, so it is your hand. You need to alert him or her to the fact that you can bid constructively.

d) 3NT. This may be a bad time to fiddle about. You know you have the values for game and there appears to be no major suit fit. Bidding this quickly may disguise any weakness in spades.

e) 1NT. You are at the top of the constructive range with a stopper and no major fit

Examples B:

LHO Opens 1H as dealer. Your partner doubles and RHO Redoubles showing 10/11+

a) S Q10 b) S J7654 c) S 4

H 7654 H K65 H 6532

D J865 D 32 D J7654

C 7643 C 976 C 965

Pass. If your partner bids 1S at his or her next turn, pass unless doubled. If doubled, run to 2C, Your partner should know that you don’t have 5 and that you are probably 4-4 in the minors.

1S. If only it were always so easy!

2D. Trust your partner. At worst you will be in a 5-3 fit.

* A responsive double against responder’s raise shows a constructive or better hand, with a fit in at least two unbid suits.

Changed Class Dates Due to increased attendances at our Thursday session, future daytime classes have been changed to Friday afternoons at 1.30pm. The change takes affect from Term Two classes commencing on 3rd May.

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Around the Clubs Bridge on Torrens (BoT)

Cnr Smith & Church St, Walkerville

Held at Walkerville Bowling Club, members enjoy a great atmosphere and

excellent surroundings. Sessions are Monday and Thursday afternoons @ 1pm.

Supervised play is available. Bring a plate for afternoon tea.

Bridge at Campbelltown (B@C)

607 Lower Nth East Rd, Campbelltown

Looking for divine inspiration? Then you may enjoy a morning of bridge at the

Uniting Church at Campbelltown. A free lecture before the game in a friendly

and welcoming atmosphere. Fridays 10am to 1pm. Bring a plate for morning tea

Bridge at Somerton Park (B@SP)

16 Bounary Rd, Somerton Park

If you live near the beach, chances are you’re not far from our Somerton Park

club. Sessions are held each Tuesday morning from 9.30am to 12.30pm. Bring a

plate for morning tea

Bridge at Fullarton (B@F)

Fullarton Park Community Centre, 411 Fullarton Rd, Fullarton

A casual and relaxed game of bridge is Fullarton Community Centre every

Monday afternoon at 1pm.

Bridge at Stirling (B@S)

Stirling RSL, Apex Park, Merrion Tce, Stirling

No need to come down the hill for a game. Sessions held every Thursday

afternoon from 1pm to 4pm. Supervised play is available.

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MONTHLY RESULTS

Monday AM

Norman Thompson / Carmel Thompson Diane Best / Reg Byrnes Bronny Colmer / Peter Colmer Peter Wood / Rita Pringle Jenny Haver / Geoff Hannaford

Bridge at Fullarton

Sheila Delaney / Sheila Bunney Jill Bransbury / Ronda Bowyer

Bridge on Torrens - Monday

Not Available

Monday PM A Grade

Roger Januszke / Robert Bignall John Zollo / Paul Hudson Arthur Porter / Ann Clarke Bob Clarke / Rosemary Grund

Monday PM

Nicholas Linke / Pam Linke Jane Greening / Ian Hillier

Monday PM Supervised

Jill Kidman / Maggie Low Barbara Allan / Neil Wilson

Bridge @ Somerton Park

Juan Climent / Liz Sadler David Campbell / Margaret Macdonald Jan Waterson / Stevie Austin

Tuesday AM

Ceda Nikolic / Rodney Macey Jill Braithwaite / Ann Axelby Clive Durney / June Gormley

Tuesday PM

Carolyn Mckenny / Marion Zissis Jim Smith / Wendy Smith Bill Zissis / Tony Michailov

Wednesday AM A Grade

Gary Deaton / Peter Colmer Ella Lupul / David Lusk John Zollo / Roger Januszke

Wednesday AM

Robyn Le Doeuff / Jayne Taylor Paul Gunn / Trevor Bentley Brian Lynch / Del Ford

Wednesday PM

Genevieve Donnelly / Merilyn Paris Caprice Davey / Marc Deaton

Thursday AM

Brian Poole / Rebecca Poon Jean Richmond / Lexie Hutchison Denise Buttrose / Carmel Thompson Ella Lupul / John Smith

Bridge on Torrens - Thursday

Philip Last / Peter Mckay Tom Hamnett / Fay Hanna Carol Wadham / Jan Herraman

Friday AM

Peter Bufton / Margaret Stevens Kevin Mills / Geoff Hannaford Helen Kite / Merilyn Paris

Friday Afternoon

Helen Kite / Helen Rollond Jenny Donoghue / Ceda Nikolic

Bridge@Campbelltown

Wendy Homann / Diana Bruer Philip Last / Ruth Carter Chris Roberts / Tom Hamnett

Saturday

Angela Norris / Rosemary Grund John Pearson / Terry Pearson

Saturday Intermediate

Jill Braithwaite / Ann Axelby John Foster / Vi Foster

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Unley Computer Repairs

Windows slow or not starting?

Internet or printing problems?

Qualified Hardware Technician, Software

Engineer and Microsoft Certification Trained.

Contact John Smith for a free quote

0413 189 908

We have moved!

Same great service, new office

Changes to 2018/19 Lecture Program

The club is re-introducing the specialist lectures for

intermediate and advanced players. These will be

delivered on Tuesday afternoons from 2pm to 4pm.

These will be conducted 4 times a year commencing

in October.

Although there are good numbers for the

intermediate lectures, numbers for the

corresponding advanced lectures were such that the

club was going to cancel them.

It is taken a while to get this back up and running and

it would be a shame to fall at the first hurdle.

At the suggestion of David Parrott, who heads up our

Education and Development Committee we will try a

switch to another day. Commencing Wednesday

October 10th the club will try and keep these

lectures going.

September Pre-emptive Bids

October Slam Bidding

November Scoring and Tactics

December Alerting, Announcing, Etiquette,

Director’s Role

January Bidding Balanced Hands

February Declarer Play – Finessing and

Transportation, Using Dummy’s

Assets

March Opening Leads and Third Hand De-

cisions

April Transfers and Stayman

May Overcalls

June Doubles – Takeout, Negative

July Defending

August Forcing or Non-Forcing?

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Lunch Menu

Drinks are also now available in the kitchen.

SANDWICHES $6.50

Ham , Cheese & Tomato

Ham, Tomato, Cucumber, Carrot & Lettuce

Chicken, Avocado, Lettuce & Mayonnaise

Turkey, Tomato, Cucumber, Cranberry Sauce &

Curried Egg

Egg, Lettuce & Mayonnaise

Tuna, Cucumber, Lettuce & Mayonnaise

WRAPS $8.50

Chicken, Bacon, Egg, Cheese, Lettuce & Caesar Dressing

Chicken Schnitzel, Tomato, Cheese, Lettuce & Avocado

Ham, Tomato, Cucumber, Carrot & Lettuce

HOT DOGS

Hot Dog with Cheese & Tomato Sauce $7

Lot Dog - Bacon, Onion, Cheese, Tomato Sauce & Mustard $8.

BURGERS

Cheeseburger - Beef, Double Cheese, Lettuce &

Beef Burger - Bacon, Cheese, Tomato, Lettuce &

Grilled Chicken Burger - Chicken, Cheese, Tomato, Lettuce & Mayonnaise - $7.00

SOUP

Soup of the Day Small $3.50 Large $5.00

Bread Roll (Buttered) - $1.50

VIETNAMESE ROLL $7.50

Chicken or Pork

COLD ROLLS $9.50

Chicken

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This article appeared in the October 2018 issue of Australian Bridge Magazine. To subscribe to Australian Bridge, please call Brad on 0412335840.

Are you a Mauist?

This is nothing to do with the Mau Mau rebellion or with a favouring of Mao Zedong's policies. Unfortunately, our game, bridge, is one where cheating is very easy. Witness the German internationals accused of communicating with coughs, the Polish internationals accused of communicating by gestures, the Italian international pair accused of communicating by the position of their pen and the Israeli pair accused of cheating by moving the board to direct the opening lead. If it's like that at the highest levels, what is it like in clubs? It is difficult to discuss because The Laws of Bridge don't mention the word "cheat" and directors and committees don't want to hear the word either.

Does that mean it doesn't occur? Of course not! The word 'cheating' has been sanitised out of the Laws and polite speech and one must make do with referring to things like 'making available unauthorised information' to help their partner, MAUI if you like acronyms. Thus, I am going to use the verb "maui(s)" to describe what a mauist does. Sometimes, we will see, they are trying to deceive the opponents and are "making available untrue inferences" but the ethics are similar so the mauist continues to encompass them. The cheating methods first mentioned above are the worst kind, since they require a prior agreement to cheat and a specified method. This is probably very rare in club bridge. However, the second tier of methods, described below, are very common and are entirely effective in improving the mauist's score in every club, including yours and mine. These methods are principally intonation, hesitation and questions, but there are other tricks of the trade known to these ethically slippery persons. These methods do not require any prior agreement, which is why they are not in the same tier as the previously mentioned methods. The meaning is intuitively obvious, and they are used by people you would trust in any other aspect of life.

Take the respected businessman who is a master of intonation. When bidding was spoken, intonation was very easy, but written bidding still leaves plenty of scope. He picks up

]xx [Axxx }xx {Axxxx

and hears his partner open 1[. He feels that 2[ doesn't do justice to his hand but he doesn't want

to make his invitational bid, so he leans forward confidently and firmly inscribes 2[ on the bidding pad. How can one object to that, I hear you say? Well, next time he holds

]xxx [Jxx }Qxxx {Jxx

and he feels he should pass, but he really wants to bid 2[ since it might help his partner or might hinder the opposition. He leans forward tentatively and hesitantly writes 2[. Some in this position write 2[ in small letters, some put a full stop after it, some put the cap back on their pen. It's so obvious that it almost slips by unnoticed by all except by the partner. The committed mauist might actually write a three then score it out and replace it with 2[. With bidding boxes, one holds the 3[ card for a moment then pulls the 2[ card. Again, the director is rarely called and even more rarely provides any redress.

Doubles are a useful and flexible tool even in continuing auctions. Take the knight of the realm who doesn't want partner making any mistake as to whether his doubles are takeout or penalty. He makes takeout doubles with a light, swift pen stroke and a penalty double with a slow heavy one. It's especially useful when dealing with preempts, since you have both a takeout double and a penalty double available. When asked, the partner, who clearly gets the joke, describes it as optional, and avers that they have to decide which it is by looking at their hand! No! The partner watches the way the double was made to tell which it is. Very slippery! Easy to deal with? Well, not in this case. His partner knows exactly how things work, but thinks he is just a clever psychologist when reading his partner's doubles. The fact that the partner himself seems to use the method as well, suggests a modicum of self deception.

Another fertile ground for the mauist is breaks in tempo (slow bids). Your right hand opponent opens 1] and you have 12 points but no obvious bid. What do you do? Pass in tempo, I would hope, but the mauist has a thoughtful pause. This modifies the meaning of the pass. It splits passes into two ranges: the strong upper range pass goes "pause then pass"; the weak pass just goes "pass". This hesitation-pass is seen quite commonly and everyone knows the hesitator has values. At other times, it goes hesitation-hesitation- hesitation-pass accompanied by nervous mannerisms, and one is unsurprised when the hand subsequently turns up with 18 points despite passing.

Another common usage is in the slam region. The

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bidding has proceeded quickly to Blackwood and the responder is in the tank, and finally emerges with 5{ (no aces). It takes little time to count aces (or keycards) so why the pause? Clearly, partner has overbid and is trying to judge whether to hide an ace, but is managing to warn partner of this and, in light of the warning, can show no aces when he clearly has one and partner knows he has one!

The other slam situation occurs when spades have been agreed and the mauist tries Blackwood but still isn't really sure whether to bid slam or not after the response. A pause and then a bid of 5] is employed to suggest, completely illegally, that partner should make the final decision. Unsurprisingly, it is known as hesitation Blackwood and the director will usually wind back any making slam to 5]. The perpetrators will say, "We always bid slam with three (or four) and pass with zero (or one)." That's all very well, but why did partner hesitate? What message did it carry other than, "I'm unsure what to do".

Another place where the mauist finds scope for their dark arts is in asking questions. The crudest form is when dealer opens 1{ and the next hand asks "Are those real clubs?" How else do you manage, after the 1{ opening, to be able to use both 2{ as a Michaels cue bid and 2{ as a natural bid? Only the dimmest of partners doesn't now know that partner has clubs. Yet, if the director is called, the mauist will say "But I am always allowed to ask a question!" The alerting regulations (section 8.2) actually say that one can ask a question but caution that it is "advisable not to ask if the intention is to pass regardless of the answer". Further, the Laws of Bridge also note that you are not allowed to notice information deduced from partner's tempo, questions asked or replies given (inter alia).

For the mauist, questions are too valuable to give up. The local minister is here tonight and sees his RHO open 1], and he has an opening bid but no obvious action. No problem! Ask a question like, "Is that five cards," or "What is the range of that bid," or just "Yes?" and then pass. His partner knows he has values or he wouldn't have asked. When the director is summoned, the minister will explain that he always asks and there is nothing to see here! Two hands later, he forgets to ask because he had a flat four-count and you call the director to point out the inconsistency, and all hell breaks loose. Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling me a cheat? Do you think we are playing for sheep stations? You have heard them all before. Yet, his partner, the bank

manager knows exactly when to bid and when not to.

One can modify bids with a question too. The mauist hears his RHO open an unalerted 2]. Double is a clear-cut takeout double, but precede it with, "Is that weak?" and it, equally clearly, becomes a borderline takeout double.

The Mauist at play

Some mauists use simple methods to help their defence. They play a card and just look at their partner's face. This obviates the need for any complex signalling methods. This is very common in my club. I remember a club meeting about using screens for finals of events, and one lady stood up and said she didn't like screens since she couldn't tell what was going on behind them! Precisely! That would be the pertinent objection of any mauist in our midst! Sometimes merely pointing out that they are not allowed to look at each other will stop them but probably only at your table, since they will resume normal communication at the next one. The director is the next port of call and failing that, the recorder.

The one forgiving feature is that these people don't analyse the hand, they merely tell their partner where the next high card is. They are killers in cash out defences, and they do tend to remove some of declarer's ability to make deceptive plays, but they don't find the best play for the overall defence. All declarers like defenders who cash their high cards!

Anyone who plays regularly knows that as soon as you make a discard, an opponent will ask, "What are your discards?" You would like to not tell them but the rules require that you do.

What can a mauist do to avoid telling? Well one common method is to false- card a lot. Some even put "natural carding" on their system card but false- card most of the time. Perhaps, they should be putting "reverse carding" on their system card because they do that more often than natural carding! Anyway, how do they give a real signal that they want partner to notice? One method is the hesitation: give a long thought to a card and then play it, and partner will know this is the significant one. Another method is for the mauist to hold the card face up on the table long after everyone else has quitted the trick, perhaps even looking admiringly at their own card all the while. We have the king of this method in my club! Partner will have no difficulty working out that this card is a real signal! All clubs have exponents of this method but the partner must be equally guilty and make use of the implied

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information, or the mauist wouldn't keep doing it.

However, the most pernicious aspect of this is the pair who are false carding essentially all the time. They are, in effect, playing "reverse signals" most of the time and "normal signals" when there is an indicator. This means they know what every signal is because they know which ones are natural and which are reverse. Only the declarer might be in doubt.

An entirely different type of mauist actually goes out looking for information. Sometimes you don't notice this person's activities until you play with them. Then you spot them leaning gently to one side and then the other. Yes, it's the greater rubber-necked mauist. Perhaps you wondered how they were so good at finessing when it's onside, particularly when it's a bizarrely deep finesse of a nine, or an entirely unnecessary finesse, or dropping honours offside when that is possible. Well, logically, you knew they were peeking but you avoided considering it too closely, but suddenly you have the reality forced upon you! They are peeking!

Technically, the rules are silent on this matter with the presumption that you are a mug if you let opponents see your cards. Still, peeking leaves a distinctly bad taste. You really can't do anything except not play with this one again. The professional players, when asked, say they will warn you once that you are holding your cards poorly and look thereafter. Make what you like of that!

Middle of the road professionals need to win with their client because he is their source of income and they desperately want another gig. These ones are professional mauists! They will interrogate declarers to try to make it clear to their client how to defend, even although asking questions for partner's benefit is specifically disallowed.

The mauist likes to fancy he can help declarer to go wrong when defending. Suppose declarer leads a small trump card towards AKJ4 on table. The mauist will hesitate when they don't have the queen to help you take the finesse and play low smoothly when they do have it. They will behave similarly when you lead towards AQ102 on table. The important thing is to have a plan, and you should know which card you are going to play from table before you make the lead from hand. The hesitation shouldn't affect your play. Should you get upset and call the director? It is true that this is definitely an ethically slippery person on your left, but don't force them to admit to it. Just record them in your little black book. Someday your trump suit will be AJ102 on table and K983 in hand

and you have no idea which way to take the finesse! Now having that mauist on your left, you lead small towards table and they hesitate! You know they don't have the queen, so rise with the ace and finesse the other way. If the slippery customer had played low smoothly then you would finesse the ten confidently.

Sometimes the mauist is on your right when you lead towards dummy's AKJ2 and you notice, just before you play, that the well-heeled lady with the best-built bra in the club has detached a card, suggesting that she is playing this card no matter what you play, i.e. that they don't have the queen. You feel a moment of pleasure at your own perspicacity and finesse the jack, but she puts the detached card back and replaces it with the queen and smiles, pityingly, at you. Choke down your outraged comment, record her in your black book and watch her closely in the future. These people only have one tune and they are easy to read.

All these mauists will declare the hand some of the time. Do you believe they

have ceased to be ethically slippery just because they are declarers? Try a mauist with a trump suit of KJ642 opposite A53. They play the ace to which everyone follows and another small one to which LHO follows small. Everyone knows that the finesse is a much better option than the drop, but can the mauist encompass both? They start to think and your first thought is that they are playing without a plan, which is comforting for a little while. A little later, they are still thinking and it's getting annoying, so you suggest that they hurry up, so the mauist now finds the correct play between finessing and dropping. What just happened?

Well, the defender with the queen is trying to be very outwardly calm, but the defender without the queen might miss the point of the hesitation and make an inopportune remark. The mauist is just waiting till someone says something and then plays their partner for the queen! Sometimes nobody says anything, but one will be tense and one not caring; it's too easy to help the desperately seeking mauist. He's still an mauist but sees himself as a clever psychologist!

Sometimes the mauist gets positively devious: he hasn't drawn trumps yet and he has to ruff a side suit where he might be overruffed. Does he ruff small, with the five, where he risks the overruff but can handle all trump splits thereafter, or does he ruff high, with the queen, so he cannot be over- ruffed but there is some danger that trumps may not split? Can you see how to get the relevant information

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before committing to the ruff with the five or queen? A cunning mauist tried this recently in the State Team Trials. He pushed the five of trumps behind the queen and ruffed with the queen. When his LHO showed in, he 'noticed' that he'd played the queen instead of the five which was 'stuck' behind the queen by accident, and put the queen back in his hand. If LHO had showed out, presumably he would 'find' the five behind the queen and return that to his hand. Look at how you hold the cards in your hand: if the queen and five are adjacent, which on is on top?

It's the five. Do you think this mauist accidentally got the five behind the queen? Maybe not, but the director was OK with it.

Another recent mauist encounter with one of the ladies in the club had an unusual ending in a notrump contract. She won in hand at trick eleven and had two losing diamonds in hand and two winning hearts on table. What to do? Have a think. A long, long think! Then, when the defenders may have forgotten which hand you are in, call for dummy's top heart. When one defender sardonically commented "nice try", she huffily lost the last two diamonds. As the erstwhile defenders arrived at the next table, she rushed over to assure them that it was an honest error!

So how do otherwise upstanding citizens manage to leave their normal sense of ethics at the door of the club? It seems that the urge to win the club game overrides all other concerns in some. They will swear they would never kick their ball out of a bad lie on the golf course, but the practices above somehow seem less blameworthy to them. Perhaps, it is a desire to be seen to be clever, or to be a perspicacious psychologist that draw them into sin. Maybe, it's been a hard day at the coalface and they are all ethiced out.

Whatever the reason, where do we go from here? New players should get plenty of leeway for the first year but at some stage they must take responsibility for making bids in an even tempo. For all others, if ethics seems difficult, just imagine going to the bar afterwards and saying, "I made that slam on board 23," and someone asks how you managed to drop the doubleton queen offside. Are you going to proudly say, "I peeked". No, of course not – you wouldn't want to admit it.

So this is an easy guideline: if you wouldn't want to admit the basis of your bidding or play afterwards, you shouldn't be doing it! Don't do things that might allow people to mistakenly think you are a mauist. In

this game, you not only need to be lily-white, you need to be seen to be lily-white!

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14

GIRLS DON'T PLAY FOOTBALL.

by Ray Dohnt

When I was in Grade-3, at the wise old age of 7 years,

I had three main interests in life. They were Football,

Food and Football. Not much has changed over the

years. One day in our schoolyard, three girls decided

they wanted to join us in our very own football game.

Like true males, we put our collective feet down, and

simply said: "No, Girls don't play football.!! " Our

novice nun teacher (one Sister Patrick) who was

really old (about 19) said: "Well , this one does." She

then hitched up her skirt, in a nun's full habit, and she

and the other three girls invaded our game. They

played a pretty mean game as well. From that day

on, Sister Patrick became my favourite teacher. How

much has changed in the next fifty eight years?

Apparently women have always made up about 50%

of our population. Hard to believe isn't it? In

general, they have been seen as second class citizens

- even though history is littered with brilliant,

powerful, charismatic, manipulative, glorious women,

who have been forced to display "manly qualities" is

a world of unbalanced equality. Some of those

brilliant women are as follows :

1. Eve .... the first woman to manipulate a dim witted

male into eating a shiny apple. apparently not all

ended well. Women have been manipulating men

ever since. Most men are not smart enough to

realise it.

2. Cleopatra ... ruled Egypt with an iron hand for

almost twenty years, in which time she killed her

own sister and brother to gain power; seduced and

had children to two of the most powerful Romans

of all time: Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony; only

to suffer death at the fangs of a snake.

3. Queen Boadicea ... the first unofficial Queen of

England, who was able to combine all the factions

of ancient England together, and fight the Imperial

Roman Army. After 80,000 fatalities, strength of

numbers and double-crossing English lords,

Boadicea eventually faced defeat and lost her

head.

4. Virgin Mary ...An icon in the catholic world, being a

symbol of grace, forgiveness and compassion. I can

believe in the virgin birth, but please - - - three wise

men?

5. Joan of Arc ... a teenager who lead a small group,

then a large army, then an entire nation against the

invading English, only to be cut down by both

armies as a heretic and put to death by burning at

the stake.

6. Queen Elizabeth I ... the singular most powerful

woman in English history, was able to lead such

men as Drake and Raleigh, through Britain's most

powerful period of any time. Ruling for 45 years,

only to die of old age. Elizabeth was unkindly given

the title of the mighty Virgin Queen, one that

apparently she was proud of, if not fully true.

7. Marilyn Monroe ... the singular most photographed

woman in the world (until Diana Spencer came

along). A brilliant actress, an attractive seductress

and an extremely fragile human being. Married

three times, to a nobody, a famous baseball player

and even more famous playwright. Marilyn

(allegedly) had affairs with the most powerful men

on the planet at that time and tragically paid the

full price with her life, dying alone (but did she?).

8. Margaret Court ... my hero as a child. The best

tennis player Australia has ever had. Almost

unbeatable at her best. A person of great mental

strength, commitment and good character. She

still displays all three in her later years. She was a

pleasure to watch and a joy to listen to.

9. Michelle Payne ... the first female jockey to win the

Melbourne Cup, on 100/1 shot, Prince of Penzance.

Who could possibly forget that famous speech,

where she simply told the disbelieving males who

surrounded her working life to "get stuffed".

Shakespeare would not have said it better. Her

upcoming film, "Ride Like A Girl" is much

anticipated.

10. Queen on Katwe ... this folks, is a film. It

opened in Adelaide on 1st December, two years

ago, and sadly is no longer playing. Easily the best

15

film I saw in 2016. It tells the story of a Ugandan

slum girl, who at the age of 10, takes up Chess by

chance, and four years later (in 2009) became the

Ugandan Chess Champion. This is only a back story

to this amazing film. It is nothing short of

breathtaking. She overcomes poverty, illiteracy,

hardship, prejudice and lack of any education to

triumph in a country dominated by men. One of

her first trophies read "Best Boy in Chess", because

there was no female section. Her mother does not

want her to continue with Chess, because one

cannot eat trophies, nor do they pay the bills. This

is a film of our time, for all time! I cannot

recommend it highly enough.

So, where does this leave us with Bridge. Rightly or

wrongly, Bridge has a strong female representation.

75% of our members are women. Bridge is a sport

(or game) that women can, and do, dominate in. As it

should be. Perhaps Sister Patrick was right after all.

Girls can, and do, play football. That seven year old

boy was totally wrong! As the AFL is currently

proving in the last few seasons, with an all female

league about to kick off once again this year. I think it

will be a resounding success. As it should be. Sister

Patrick you were right! Girls can play football, and

anything else they put their minds to.

Good Bridging.

16

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