Springrod:

Copyright 2005, Alexander S. Bobbs

Copyright 2005 Alexander S. Bobbs

Springrod

The Complete Works of Shakespeare in Five Acts

A comedy by Alex Bobbs

Characters:

King Edward- The recently deceased king of England. Despite the fact that he is dead, you still have to cast someone to play him, because I say so.

Edward Jr.- The plucky young prince of England, who struggles with the expectations that come with royalty. Try making your sentences rhyme and fit iambic pentameter. It’s hard.

Springrod- A working-class comic fool, who is not foolish nor much of a worker, but may be funny depending on your point of view.

Maggie- The queen of England. I guess that makes her mother and wife to the Edwards.

Mario- An Italian gentleman, acting as advisor to Maggie. He is the most honest man in the world, or so he told me.

Addyterum- A noble lady of England. You can call her “Addy”, for short. You could also call her something else, but she might not respond.

Souflé- A princess of France betrothed to Edward (not the dead one). Hobbies include hiking, fencing, sex, and suicide.

John-Richard-Henry XXXVII- A rival of the royal family. Everyone wants to be king these days, especially people with stupid names.

Frederick Jeeves- John-Richard-Henry’s attendant, and also a master of disguise.

MacDonald- A crazed Scotsman with a rather strong affinity for fortune cookies.

The Archbishop of Canterbury- Who is, shockingly, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Doneuvo- Lord of the forest. Hey, this guy’s got job security.

Eraep Sekahs- A mysterious wizard. Reverse the letters in his name and you get absolutely nothing. Wink-Wink-Nudge-Nudge-Say-No-More.

Various bar patrons, attendants, soldiers, etc.- All the poor souls who didn’t get cast in any of the good parts but are tagging along anyway because the cool kids won’t play with them. I pity those people.

Act I, Scene I: A Church in London

(A funeral procession enters. In attendance are Queen Maggie, Prince Edward Jr., Lady Addyterum, Mario, and others. There is no body present at the funeral. As the service concludes, EDWARD, speaks to the audience.)

Edward:

Son of kings, they say I am.

Such titles weigh against the conscience.

To be a prince is an unstable stance,

For the son of kings can not remain a son forever.

My father, the great Edward Senior, is mourned today.

Yet the death seems to have no lasting effect.

His wife, being my mother, or so she claims,

Has already made plans to move on without him.

Nary a soul in England seems to care how he died,

Merely that he is, presumably, departed.

Look how they turn, as if my father,

Were to be nothing more than a fleeting memory!

Why, had I the heart of a hamster, it would weep,

Have they forgotten the mysterious circumstances by which he was taken?

That he should die in the forest, away from the watchful eye of the court,

No body found and no word aside from that of unreliable messengers.

Now I, an Edward like my father, seek not the crown and glory of rule,

(Though it is a rather nice crown),

Rather, I only wish to set my soul at peace,

By finding the true nature of my father’s death,

There is villainy afoot here, and by St. George, I will find the conspirators,

Or may the royal garland never grace my head!

(At this point, Edward’s mother, the contentious MAGGIE, has noticed that Edward is talking to the fourth wall)

Maggie:

Edward, who are you talking to?

Edward:

Um... No one, dear mother.

Maggie:

Let your attention not wander, Edward. It is the eve of a new era and you distract yourself with the past. Your father is dead and there is nothing you can do to change that. Meanwhile, a growing threat is upon us, and you must act quickly. Take the crown, claim the throne, and crush our enemies.

Edward:

Enemies? What Enemies? (pause, then remembers) Oh, you mean the Scots, the French, the Papacy, and the entire population of Nebulon 5? Come to think of it, is there anyone who doesn’t hate us right now? A man may look for friends, but often all he finds is hostility and hatred the world round.

Maggie:

Edward, you are going off on a pointless tangent again, and what had I said before about tangents?

Edward (timidly):

That they are equal to the opposite side of a triangle divided by the adjacent? (Maggie sighs)

Maggie:

What you need to understand is that power is an unstable beast, one that requires diligent attention if you are to keep it within your grasp. Peace cannot persist long in such times as these. You know of my dreaded rivals, the Yorkcasters, do you not? The heir of the Yorkcaster line will have the crown if you hesitate. Everyone here knows that he is a devious and ruthless man. Don’t you all?

(Everyone immediately agrees enthusiastically, except…)

Addy:

Dost her highness refer to John-Richard-Henry XXXVII?

Maggie:

Quite so. John-Richard-Henry is the most vile war-mongering villain this country has ever seen, isn’t he?

(Everyone agrees again, except Addy)

Addy:

I dare not contradict her highness.

Edward:

There is one thing about this John-Richard-Henry XXXVII I can not understand, no matter how I try. Why in God’s name did the Yorkcaster family name 37 boys “John-Richard-Henry”?

Maggie (fuming again):

The name is not important! He is plotting to sieze the throne!

Edward:

Well, if he wants it recorded in the history books such that everyone will know what a dumb name he had, I say we let him.

Maggie:

I have warded off my rivals thus far and I will not watch the throne be taken by a Yorkcaster because my son was too much of a fool to realize what a fool he was being. Have you learned nothing?

Edward:

I try to please you, mother.

Maggie:

Do or do not, there is no try! Seize the day, and crown yourself tomorrow.

Edward:

Tomorrow?! Tomorrow in my judgment is too sudden. I reason that I must assemble a cabinet first, or perhaps go on a leadership training retreat.

Maggie:

No! Crown yourself, marry a queen, and crush our enemies.

Edward:

Oh please, mother, no more talk of marriage.

(He goes into his “talking to the audience” mode)

When I was but a child of six, my fearsome uncle, the Duke of Warwick,

Sought to form a pact between the long-time enemies of England and France.

A satisfactory agreement among the company of nobles was reached,

Peace across the English Channel! Unthinkable!

As commemoration for this alliance, a marriage was promised,

A union between myself and the child princess Souflé.

However, the agreement has since become moot:

Relations have eroded, and the two nations despise each other... again.

Yet, somehow the betrothal remains as has been said,

Such that Souflé and I are committed to wed.

(Whispered aside:)

Yes, I got it to rhyme!

Maggie:

Edward, I know this. I’ve known all that for years. Why are you repeating it?

Edward:

I felt inspired by the moment. Mother, why must I marry a French twit who I don’t know? Suppose she is harsh and cruel!

Maggie:

She is your promised bride! In addition, your marriage, a marriage to a royal princess (however French she may be), will further solidify your rule. I will say nothing more. You will marry that princess, you will become king, and you will like it!

(Maggie storms off, and her attendants follow, agreeing with her all the way)

Addy:

Your mother will calm once the funeral proceedings have past.

Edward:

Addy, look at me. Do you see a king?

Addy:

Not yet.

Edward:

Do you see a man fit to marry a princess?

Addy:

Come now, Edward, you are plenty a man for marriage. You are almost seventeen!

Edward:

True, true, I suppose.

Addy:

Set your worried mind to rest. You will be fit for the royal tasks soon enough. (The queen yells down for more attendants to pamper her) But my duties rest in far lower places, I fear.

Edward:

She is kind, is she not?

Smooth in voice and heart and soul. If only-

Oh, what great misfortunes has fate bestowed upon me!

Cruel circumstance works against my every plan!

That I must immediately take arms against a foe so ferocious,

Falling into the arms of a girl so ludicrous, when in all the world the only thing I want-

(he notices Mario is watching him with curiosity)

Soft you now, it is the noble and honest Mario, the most trusted man of our court.

(He addresses Mario)

Good day to you, sir.

Mario:

It’s-a-me, Mario! How fairs our gracious lord?

Edward:

Mario, I must be Frank. Or Edward, as the case may be. I bear great troubles on this day.

Mario:

Tell me about them, for I understand all troubles.

Edward:

It is such, Mario, that I must be king, and wed a beautiful French princess.

Mario:

I would bear your misfortunes for you if I could. I have seen many great troubles, and thus can understand your own. I am the one you may trust with all secrets that you would not trust anyone else with.

Edward:

Wow! It’s good that I talked to you about this.

Mario:

Yes. I shall meet you again to sooth your worries, but for now, let us depart this place.

Edward:

Marry and shall. I shall speak to you again, honest Mario.

(Edward exits, which leaves Mario alone)

Mario:

That one may smile and smile and still be a villain.

And now, there is none here but I. And I...

Understand that I, while a trusted member of the queen’s court,

Have no pleasure to entertain these fair well-spoken-of days,

Being neither included in romantic plots, nor meant to provide comedy,

nor intended as any leader, I find myself purposeless.

Thus, since I can not prove a hero, I shall play the part of a villain.

Plots have I laid, and the path is known only by I.

Malice and slaughter shall be the result, and only I, overseer of all,

Shall rule the day when mighty England falls!

Mwahahahaha!

(He steps back, and realizes he’s not talking to anyone)

Drat, now he’s got me doing it.

(exit)

Act I, Scene II: A Pub in London

(Edward meets SPRINGROD in a bar, and they greet each other cordially. Springrod is very fat and easy-going andt ultimately seems to have more sense than anyone else. Springrod brings out large mugs of beer for both of them.)

Edward:

Jack Springrod, how fairs thee with this common London crowd?

Springrod:

As well as fortune may allow, fortune being a fickle friend. The air is fine, the wine is plentiful, I recently won a good sum off some poor sap traveling out from Italy.

Edward:

My dear Jack! I nary know what keeps you alive. What shall you do when you must acquire some use, as all men must find a purpose besides drinking?

Springrod:

What can or needs to be said to defend old Jack? To acquire a trade would force me to abandon my current one.

Edward:

Which is to be lazy, drink too much, and occasionally provide comic relief and witty social commentary?

Springrod:

More or less.

Edward:

If only I could have that position. The palace life suits me ill.

Springrod:

And yet here, removed from the palace, you still appear fraught with apprehension.

Edward:

Ah, how perceptive you are, for one born of the common race. To rise above one’s position, as you have often done, speaks highly of your merit, as you are truly a diamond in a mine. But of my apprehension: my mother has placed requests on me that I feel I may not fulfill.

Springrod:

Indeed, so the problem is not with the father who is unfortunately dead, but with the mother who is unfortunately still alive.

Edward:

She asks of me that which I can never be, as if to ask a massive elephant to swim.

Springrod:

Actually, elephants are excellent swimmers.

Edward:

What I mean to convey, beyond gratuitous analogies, is that she asks me to attend my own coronation tomorrow. How can I fulfill such a duty? I am no king and have neither the strength nor the will to assume such a post.

Springrod:

Bah! Skip it. Let us suppose that you were to be absent at your coronation: what would be the consequences?

Edward:

I imagine the fury of my mother would shake the skies!

Springrod:

You would be reprimanded slightly, but come... practice an answer!

Edward:

Ah, then, Jack, you must stand in for my mother.

Springrod:

That I shall gladly do. This stool shall be my throne, and this bottle of wine, my scepter. (the crowd notices the game and watches with glee)Ahem... (In a loud screeching high-pitched voice, and waving the bottle of wine) Edward! Why have you not done my bidding? How could you miss your own coronation? I had to crown the dog instead, and you have no idea how embarrassing that was!

Edward:

Well... um... mother, I am afraid I... I was kidnapped by a foul man in a pub. Springrod was his name.

Springrod:

Springrod? I have often seen a very virtuous man among your company, whose looks are quite fair and fine. Could that be your Springrod?

Edward:

Oh, no, mother, it could not have been him, for Springrod is as fat as a hog. A fat hog at that.

Springrod:

Edward! You still have not answered for yourself. What excuse can you make for your negligence? Were you out drinking again with this well-spoken-of handsome man Springrod?

Edward:

No, mother, I was dead at the time. I mean, kidnapped. I mean... oh bugger!

Springrod:

Well, then, I guess we’ll just have you executed.

Edward:

Now, Jack, you’re doing it all wrong. Here, let me play my mother.

Springrod:

Depose me? I think not. Besides, that defeats the whole point of this exercise. Now, grovel!

Edward:

Huh?

Sprindrod:

What say you? What is your answer?

Edward:

It would seem that I have no answer for my mother.

Springrod (back to normal voice):

Indeed, I noticed. We’re going to have to think of something else. Ah! I have an idea.

Edward:

What pricks thy mind, Springrod?

Springrod:

Suppose that you actually had a valid reason for missing your coronation. Suppose that tonight you were to simply become “lost”, by “accident”, in the “forest”.

Edward:

Oh, such a fate would indeed be dreadful!

Springrod:

Your father disappeared in the woods, and you could not help but to be driven to search for the body. You intended to be back in plenty of time, but on the way you become “lost”.

Edward:

Such would be a valid excuse, but is it likely to happen? I know the woods quite well, I don’t suppose I shall become lost.

Springrod:

Look, just come with me to the Enchanted Woods and all will be fine.

Edward:

To the Enchanted Woods? Ah, I have an idea, Springrod! We could disappear into those woods, and when we are late to the coronation, as we intend to be, we shall simply tell a lie and say we were lost. Ah, what a plan I have conceived!

Springrod:

Brilliant.

Edward:

Come, Springrod, to the Enchanted Woods! Let us hope none of these extras tell my mother what they just heard.

(Edward and Springrod exit, leaving the bar set and patrons on for the next scene)

Act I, Scene III: The Throne Room

(Enter Queen Maggie, with the bishop. The set and extras from the last scene are still on stage)

Maggie:

With the matter of the state put to rest, my first act shall be to have- What are you people doing here?

Bar Patron:

We’re just getting a drink.

Maggie:

What do you think this is, a bar? This is the throne room. You’re not allowed in here! Don’t you see the- What the hell is going on here?

(Stage hands are rushing on to place the throne and remove the bar set and extras)

Stage hand:

Sorry, we were playing cards.

Maggie:

Who are these people?

Bishop:

I don’t know, but they brought your throne back.

Maggie:

Well then, where was I?

Bishop:

Something about “matter of the state”.

Maggie:

Yes. Ahem! With the matter of the state put to rest, my first act shall be to have the heirs of the Yorkcaster faction arrested and sent to the tower.

Bishop:

Which tower is this you speak of, my lady?

Maggie:

THE tower! The tall, scary one where we send people for beheadings.

Bishop:

Oh dear, I was afraid you meant that one. We don’t behead people there anymore.

Maggie:

Indeed?

Bishop:

Your late husband had it converted into a museum. It now covers the history of the tower, including all of the famous beheadings. Free admission for children on weekends.

Maggie:

You’ve got to be kidding me. I won’t have any of that nonsense. The Yorkcasters shall be sent there for beheadings! The children can watch for free if they want, but all opposition to my rule shall end immediately! In more pressing news, is everything set for the coronation that is to take place tomorrow evening?

Bishop:

Preparations are being made with all haste. I have arranged to have the ceremony in the Great Hall. When the blessed hour comes, every nobleman in England will be assembled to witness the coronation of your son and his subsequent marriage.

Maggie:

Yes, every nobleman alive shall be here tomorrow. Aside from the Yorkcasters, of course.

Bishop:

Of course, we- Oh... Why would you say that?

Maggie:

Why? The Yorkcasters are not welcome here, obviously. They are my most hated rivals.

Bishop:

Well... then, I’m sure they won’t come. (Maggie glares) They haven’t RSVP’d yet. (Maggie fumes) OK, one did, but he might forget…

Maggie:

Archbishop...

Bishop:

Madam, forgive me. You directly requested that all nobility be invited to the coronation. I assumed there would be no exceptions, especially for a group that makes up forty percent of the current nobility, and it just seemed ostensibly rude to further provoke them.

Maggie:

Whose provocation do you fear more, Archbishop of Canterbury? These “citizens” you speak of are my sworn enemies. Inviting them would be almost as ridiculous as inviting that disgusting king of France.

Bishop (sheepishly):

The father of the bride?

Maggie:

You invited him, didn’t you?

Bishop:

We’re trying to reconcile our two nations!

Maggie:

Nonsense! I don’t like him one bit! That’s it, we can’t go on with such ill-laid plans.

Bishop:

What do you mean?

Maggie:

I won’t have my son crowned with Yorkcasters and Frenchies in attendance! Cancel the coronation, reschedule, and this time, don’t invite anyone I hate!

Bishop (aside):

I guess I don’t need to book the Great Hall, then.

(enter Mario)

Mario:

Ahem! It’s-a-me, Mario! Good lady of the state, Princess Souflé of France has just arrived and is ready to be married.

Maggie:

Send her away; we’ve had a change in plans. Archbishop, inform that unworthy son of mine that his coronation has been postponed. And let him know that it’s all your fault!

Bishop:

I shall, my lady. (exit)

Mario:

Madam, I am so sorry for the embarrassment, but the princess is waiting just outside that door, and I, being dull of wit, would be hard pressed to remove her now. Perhaps, however, you can explain the situation better than I could.

Maggie:

Well, since you put it that way, I will speak with her. She does speak English, I assume.

Mario:

She is very fluent at a particular dialect of English. The kind spoken in France-

(Enter PRINCESS SOUFLÉ. Souflé is very pretty and dressed very richly. She speaks in broken English, is often confused in conversation, and has wild mood swings.)

Souflé:

Hello! I come see to Edward. Marry?

Mario:

-by people who don’t really speak English. I think I shall attend to-

Maggie:

Stay here, Mario! Alright, let’s get this over with. Mario, translate.

Mario:

Translate? But madam, I don’t speak a word of French.

Maggie:

Translate!

Maggie:

Princess Souflé, we intend to honor this betrothal, but I am afraid the date can not be today. Due to unforeseen complications and utter incompetence, the wedding must be postponed until a later time.

Mario(“translating”):

You, Souflé. Marry? Yes! Now? No! People stupid. Uh oh! Marry in long time.

(Souflé looks completely crushed and begins to cry)

Maggie (continued):

However, there is no need to return home, as this delay will be brief. I trust you will enjoy your stay in our civilized country, and you may stay in the tower, the one not currently involved in beheadings , and- Oh for the love of god! Stop crying already!

Mario(“translating”):

To France? No. Marry soon. England happy nice place. Sleep way way up. Head stay on. No wah wah!

Mario:

My lady, do you not see? She has been treated as nothing but a pawn in this scheme, and now she comes to fulfill the only destiny she has.

Maggie:

Mario, I am trying my utmost to explain. Princess Souflé, you shall marry Edward… hmm… maybe… within the next five days.

(Souflé looks confused, and turns to Mario)

Mario:

Marry in five days.

Souflé:

Five days?

(The Bishop enters in a huff)

Bishop:

Madam, he’s not in his quarters.

Maggie:

Check the library. (Bishop runs off)

Souflé:

No. No five days. Marry tomorrow!

Maggie:

No! Five days! Five days to marry or head no stay on!

Souflé:

Oh. Five days.

Maggie:

Yes. Five days.

Mario:

If I may bring up a point, your majesty. If John-Richard-Henry were to sense the delay as a weakness, he could be at our gates in five days.

Maggie:

If the ceremony stands as is, he’ll be here tomorrow! No, we shall abide by my new capricious and absolute decision. The princess is simply here early.

Souflé (not quite catching all of this):

Oh! I early? Very, um… punctual?

Maggie:

Yes, you are punctual. Very good.

Souflé:

Punctual good. Punctual.

Maggie:

Yes, “punctual” is a real word.

Souflé:

Still marry Edward?

Maggie:

Yes! It will be a grand ceremony, with all the nobility present, save for those vile Yorkcasters and Frenchmen, save for the bride. Once my power is secure, I shall unite England, and bring an end to the strife that currently tears us apart.

Mario:

You shall?

Maggie:

Acting through my good son, of course.

Mario:

Of course. And I full well understand your position, for when I was a father of three sons, I sought to rule through each of them. I understand all issues of parenting.

(Bishop enters)

Bishop:

Excuse me. I hate to interrupt, but Edward is not in the library either.

Maggie:

Try that pub he’s always loafing around at.

Bishop:

Yes, my lady. (exits)

Souflé:

Edward no here? Where Edward?

Maggie:

I’m sure the little brat is nearby. (aside) I just pray he isn’t off trying to court Lady Addyterum again!

Souflé:

Where is Edward? Oh, Edward no like Souflé!

Maggie:

Don’t even think about crying again!

(Bishop enters)

Bishop:

Madam, I spoke with some-

Maggie:

Wait, how did you get to the pub and back so quickly? It must have taken at least an hour to do all that!

Bishop:

Well, I spoke to some extras backstage... I mean, I spoke with some common folk, and they claim that Edward has plotted to disappear into the Enchanted Woods.

Maggie:

What?!

Bishop:

There’s more. They say he is accompanied by a strange man of ill report. He is a fat man named... Springrod.

Maggie:

The downfall of all England shall be the result if Edward does not return. With the prince missing, John-Richard-Henry XXXVII may seize this opportunity to lay his claim on the throne! We must not let this news be known. Archbishop, send word of the coronation’s cancellation and make no mention of my foolish son’s disappearance. With what time we have, we must search Edward out and arrest this troublemaker Springrod! Come!

(She exits in a hurry, with Bishop, leaving the confused Souflé behind)

Souflé:

Wait, Queen! Wait! Where go?

Mario (aside):

The downfall of all England shall come if he does not return? How simply marvelous! I shall see that he never returns, leaving England leaderless and in chaos, with a fallen king, a missing prince, and a queen running about in the wild. Oh ho, I am so evil! But how shall I ensure that Edward remains missing? Ah, this crazy girl, so deprived of wit... her wrath may be terrible if she were to think that Edward has betrayed her. She shall be my deadly instrument!

(to Souflé)

Why, young princess, what sadness has befallen you? Tell me, for I understand all sadness.

Souflé:

I come to marry Edward, but Edward no here.

Mario:

Oh, I am so sorry. It is unsettling that your suitor is not here to woo you. For a man with any interest in his bride would surely be present to meet her at the first opportunity. His absence must arouse your most paranoid suspicions. I can not help but think of how tragic it is that no one has the heart to tell you what Edward has done.

Souflé:

What Edward do?

Mario:

Oh, no, I dare not speak on such improper topics. It is not my place to say what strange things our Prince has done.

Souflé:

Strange?

Mario:

I know that he has a good heart, which is why I may not slander his name.

Souflé:

Tell me!

Mario:

I simply can not tell you, good lady, for your own sake. It would not be gentlemanly.

Souflé:

Please!

Mario:

I see that you are already much too distraught to receive such upsetting news. Why, if you knew that Edward had run off and chosen to pursue another woman, you might become incredibly furious at this man who has betrayed you.

Souflé:

An other woman?

Mario:

Oh, speak not of it! For you would only remind yourself that you have no future, and you would wonder what there is left for you.

Souflé:

Edward leave Souflé…

Mario:

I have said too much! I beg of you to keep your reason obedient and do not follow Edward into the Enchanted Woods. Of all things, you must not kill him in a jealous rage, and especially not with this knife (he hands her a knife). It would be too suitable.

Souflé:

Edward leave me. Now I return to France and eat snails until grow old? No. Goodbye...

Mario:

Yes, goodbye. And remember, go for the jugular vein.

Souflé:

Goodbye cruel world... (She shoves the knife into her chest... handle first. She stumbles back, and then looks rather confused.)

Mario:

Um, the pointy end goes the other way, if that’s what you were trying to do.

Souflé:

Oh! (She throws down the knife) I always get wrong! Goodbye! (She jumps out the window, landing offstage) Ow. Oh, I get wrong again.

Mario:

First story windows… very poor means of suicide.

Souflé (offstage):

I try again. Ow Oh... Never works!

Mario:

On second thought, perhaps this princess is not the best tool to use against someone I wish to kill, given that she apparently can not kill herself. I shall seek out a more powerful means to achieve my villainous ends, and then, victory shall be mine! (exits)

Souflé (offstage):

Wait, I try again. Mario? Mario?

Act II, Scene I: The Yorkcaster Castle

(Enter the sullen JOHN -RICHARD-HENRY XXXVII and his servant FREDERICK. JRH has a longwinded and dramatic style of speech, while Frederick contrasts him with stiff deadpan tone and a slight accent)

JRH:

Frederick, have I ever spoke of the deep longings I bear, to be recognized as the king of England?

Frederick:

Many times, sir... every hour.

JRH:

This paradox troubles my soul: To be a king, one must be born a king, and so have the grace of God to rule. Yet, I have that right, the grace of God, but I neither rule nor serve all men. It is a strange thing, is it not? To have the right but not the rule. To be and not to be king. Which am I?

Frederick:

I believe you are not, sir.

JRH:

This truth is the heart of all my troubles. What happens when the king has divine right, but nobody believes it? Can any imposter call himself ruler? Nay, I say! For I am king, and who can rule over a king?

Frederick:

The aces, sir, in many games.

JRH:

The aces?

Frederick:

I was being facetious, sir.

JRH:

Many disbelieve the truth, but why? Why, Frederick? For it is widely known that my great-great-great-grandfather’s brother’s marriage into the house of Gloucester, which, following the earlier adoption of the orphan Rubarb whose father’s mother’s sister-in-law’s aunt, though she was a foreign citizen at the time, was in fact a descendent of the Smithe family of Wales, which in a much later time period was united with the line of Dexter, who three hundred years before had diverged from the house of Lichten, which was founded by the step-brother of the great Sire Badolin, who, as every cow and peasant knows, is the illegitimate child of King Arthur, which makes me the rightful king of England!

Frederick:

It boggles the mind, sir.

(JRH moves to sit and sighs)

JRH:

Aces... cards... I get it now. That’s rather clever.

Frederick:

I thought so too, sir.

JRH:

Oh, miserable England! Though King Edward may be gone, his son would block my rise to rule, and thus I am still doomed to a lesser fate than what I deserve. What may abate my sorrow in such times?

Frederick:

Perhaps, sir, you might be comforted by the fact that you are so rich and powerful that you might as well be king.

(Enter Mario, disguised as a Yorkcaster guard)

Mario:

Hail, most excellent sire! I bring you a very important message that I believe will please you very much.

JRH:

Speak, one who is apparently one of my loyal servants!

Mario:

I bring you word that prince Edward, the only heir of the English throne, has disappeared.

JRH:

Disappeared?! Why, this is strange news if nothing else.

Mario:

I also report that Queen Maggie has left the palace, along with much of her guard, to search for him.

JRH:

Indeed?! Who is ruling fair England at this moment?

Mario:

No one! It is even said, among those who take entertainment in street talk and gossip, that any challenger to the throne could make his claim very soon.

JRH:

My opportunity may have finally come. (looks to the skies) It’s about time! (looks to Mario). However, I must ensure that these rumors are true. While I trust that such an honest-looking fellow as yourself would never deign to lie, your sources, whosoever they may be, might be incorrect. I must wait until I hear this news officially.

Mario:

I’ll be right back. I mean, I hope that fair news continues to come your way.

(Mario rushes off)

JRH:

The people look for a new king? The queen gone? The heir to the throne missing? How fantastic! Although, I was looking forward to attending the coronation today. No one ever invites me to parties.

Frederick:

The coronation was cancelled, sir. We received notice an hour ago.

JRH:

Interesting. Was any mention made of the missing prince?

Frederick:

No, sir.

(Mario re-enters, posing as a butler)

Mario:

Most magnificent John-Richard-Henry, I have brought you today’s newspaper.

JRH:

Thank you, I do appreciate your gift.

(JRH just sits there, with the newspaper on his lap, unsure what to do with it)

Frederick:

I believe you are supposed to read it, sir.

Mario:

Yes, I noticed a profoundly interesting story on the front and only page.

JRH:

Of course. Excellent job, you… butler person. (Mario leaves) I wish I was better at remembering my servants’ names. That was quite embarrassing. But, the news on the prince… Ah, yes, indeed it must be true, as it has been published with 12th-century printing presses just hours after the news broke.

Frederick:

So it would seem, sir.

JRH:

Let us embark on a great enterprise, then! Rally my men! Gather my horses! To London we shall ride, and may God and St. George be at our backs! We’ll travel through the Enchanted Forest to conceal our approach, and the Yorkcaster line shall finally be redeemed!

Mario (entering, undisguised):

But there is still one who could challenge you.

JRH:

Who are you? I’ve never seen you before.

Mario:

My name is Mario, and I am defecting from the royal court to bring you good tidings.

JRH:

Oh, good tidings. Why, that is certainly good. Speak further, Mario!

Mario:

I wish to warn you that Prince Edward may return and challenge you to the throne. You can not hope to secure your rule as long as he lives.

JRH:

Aye, this is all true. But what may I do? He is missing, and even his mother can not find him.

Mario:

I know of someone who may be able to dispatch him for you: a skilled assassin who can find any scoundrel and snuff the candle of his life in shadow.

JRH:

Who is this man?

Mario:

‘Tis no man, but a woman. They call her, “The Black Widow,” the most clever of all contract killers. She is known to stalk men and pretend to love them. Then she strangles them with their own affections and leads them to a nasty death.

JRH:

Excellent! Good Mario, would you please arrange a meeting with this “Black Widow”, so I may commission her services?

Mario:

I shall... my king.

JRH:

“My king...” How long have I waited to hear such words!

Frederick:

You could have just asked me to call you “my king,” sir… my king.

JRH:

Now, Frederick, we must not get ahead of ourselves. We have preparations to make, dynasties to topple, and an empire to claim!

(JRH and Frederick leave)

Mario (to the audience):

Ah ha, the fools do not know what disaster they spell! The Yorkcasters dream to simply replace the current fools with new ones, but I have better plans in store! Let me explain the plot: this “Black Widow” assassin I have chosen is none other than the object of Edward’s affections, Lady Addyterum! (music plays: dun, dun, dun...) Now, you may ask-

(JRH enters to retrieve a letter he has left behind. Mario freezes and finds his hands in an awkward position, so he acts like he’s straightening a picture) I noticed this portrait of you was a bit off-center, my lord.

JRH:

That’s my mother.

Mario:

Of course it is. (JRH leaves, and Mario goes back to the audience) You may ask how a lady of the court could possibly be an assassin. The answer is simple. She may be no assassin by normal trade, but I will persuade her to accept this role and carry out the brutal deed. I know she will obey, because I read her diary and found that she is inexplicably and desperately in love with John-Richard-Henry of Yorkcaster!

JRH (entering):

Yes?

Mario:

Umm... (he calls out) Hail John-Richard-Henry of Yorkcaster! (to JRH) There are some peasants outside who I felt the need to call to.

JRH:

Oh. I thank you, then.

(JRH grabs his sword, takes his time sheathing it and fastening it on, and then practices drawing it. Mario waits impatiently for a chance to speak to the audience again.)

Mario:

Are you going to be here for a while?

JRH:

No, I was just leaving.

(JRH leaves; Mario goes back to the audience)

Mario:

As I was saying, the love of Lady Addyterum shall drive her to assume the role of an assassin. However, her love shall go unrequited, for John-Richard-Henry believes, as I have made him believe, that she kills all the men that she woos. A chain of distrusts and animosities is building, which shall end in the destruction and fall of England!!!! I love this job.

Act II, Scene II: The Enchanted Forest

(Enter Edward and Springrod)

Springrod (singing):

So on we strode through mud and mist,

Our spirits can’t be dampened,

For now we’re in the “Enchanted Wood”

Where magical things can happen,

Oh rumor speaks of sights and things,

Of which one should be wary,

The forest folk, the wizard, and such,

The sprites, the ghosts, and the fairies.

(enter DONUEVO, the lord of the forest, dressed very elegantly)

Edward:

What an oddity I see: a man dressed in handsome garments wandering alone in the woods. A strange sight, as unlikely as a coupling between a hare and a rabbit. I say, good sir, what news on this fine day?

Donuevo:

No news, sir, no news. The forest is as it always has been. What business brings you to the Enchanted Woods?

Edward:

We are as any man faced with the brutal phase of fortune’s eye-

Springrod:

Ahem! We are simple woodsmen, sir.

Donuevo:

Woodsmen? Men of the woods? Then you are in the right place.

Edward:

But you, gracious sir, what is your position in these gentle woods? We have introduced ourselves but I fear we still do not know your role.

Donuevo:

I am Donuevo, the lord of the forest.

Edward:

So you are a lord?

Donuevo:

Yes.

Edward:

Then, what are you doing in the forest?

Donuevo:

I’m the lord of the forest.

Edward:

Who would you lord over in a forest? The mushrooms?

Donuevo:

I have always wanted be a lord, and no one else was calling themselves the lord of the forest, so I took the title. No one has challenged me thus far. This forest, you must understand, is a rare and strange place, one feared by many others. Many who journey through here find themselves wandering around forever, never able to leave.

Edward:

Why is that so?

Donuevo:

Some say that there are ghosts and spirits around, disorienting the senses. Others say that the fairies play tricks on people. But me? I bet it’s the wizard.

Edward:

What wizard?

Donuevo:

You’ve never heard of the wizard Eraep Sekahs? He is a powerful man, who knows the future and controls the present. He lives alone, in a cave, answering the mysteries of the universe to those brave enough to approach him. I’ve been trying to find him so I can ask why there’s been so many people running around my forest lately.

Springrod:

Many people, you say? Have you seen anyone of note wandering about?

Donuevo:

No. No, not really (pause) Although, now that you mention it... There was one gentleman who seemed like he might have been someone important. I say this because he was leading some sort of army.

Springrod:

An army?!

Edward:

How good and bad fortune may come together! That we have escaped to these carefree woods, only to be pursued by a dreadful army of fearsome foes, only to meet a man noble enough to warn us about such perils!

Springrod:

Ahem! Of course, as humble woodsmen, I’m sure we have no business with this man or his army. That said, was this man’s name, perchance, John-Richard-Henry XXXVII?

Donuevo:

John-Richard-Henry XXXVII? Let me think... three X’s, one V, and two I’s... Yes, that was him. I remember him now. Strange chap, fairly unfriendly, mumbled something about killing the king...

Edward:

Killing the king?! Why, Springrod, it is now clear as the sky on a clear day!

Springrod:

Thank you, sir Donuevo. We have enjoyed your company, but we will not keep you from your lordship duties any longer. (Donuevo nods and heads off)

Edward:

If that fiend John-Richard-Henry is involved with “killing the king”, than he must have killed the king my father. John-Richard-Henry’s designs for the crown have been known, but that he would murder a man so fair as my father? It grinds the soul into confetti, I say!

Springrod:

Whatever the cause surrounding your father’s death, John-Richard-Henry, who believes himself to be your enemy, is venturing through these woods as we speak and may confront us soon.

Edwards:

Egads, what hideous fate possibility may unveil! These woods, which I but a moment ago deemed fair and sweet, now feel as dark and perilous as a dark, perilous forest! What dangers may await us?

Souflé (offstage):

Edward! Edward!

Edward:

Oh, angels and ministers of grace defend me! It is that blasted French twit, princess Souflé! Noble Springrod, what action shall I take to defend myself from her? To cast her away would please my sensibilities, but I dare not offend her, for they say that heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Springrod:

Ed, it’s “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

Edward:

Oh good gracious gratuitous grits and granola! Is it really that bad? I fear I must fly and avoid confrontation altogether. We must leave the forest and leave fair England, and sail to the scornless shores of Gibraltar, or maybe Bohemia.

Springrod:

Bohemia’s land-locked. There are no shores to sail to!

Edward:

Excellent! She won’t be able to follow us.

Souflé (still offstage):

Edward!

Edward:

The woman scorned! All is lost now, Springrod!

Springrod:

If you would just calm down for a moment, perhaps you could easily escape her clutches by hiding behind that tree, leaving me to distract your pursuer.

Edward:

A cunning plan! Noble Springrod, may a thousand praises of all the ages be bestowed upon you!

Springrod:

Just go hide. (Edward hides. Souflé enters) Woman, what are you doing in this frightful wood all by yourself?

Souflé:

I must find Edward. You see Prince Edward?

Springrod:

Prince Edward? The one who is prince of England?

Souflé:

Yes. I must find Edward and marry.

Springrod:

Then you are in the wrong place, my gracious lady. I, a humble lonely woodsman, have never seen Edward nor any prince out here in the Enchanted Woods. A prince such as Edward would not be found in a forest, but in a grand castle.

Souflé:

Edward is in castle? No. I check. Edward is not in castle.

Springrod:

Well, sorry, madam, but our prince is in another castle. Perhaps you should check back in France or Bohemia.

Edward (whispering):

But we might go to Bohemia!

(Souflé begins to turn towards Edward’s hiding place, but Springrod grabs her back)

Springrod:

It seems to me, young lady, that this prince of yours is playing “hard to get”. So you must go to a place that is very very very hard to get to, such as-

Edward (whispering):

Not Bohemia!

Souflé:

Wait, I hear something. Someone else here.

Springrod:

Nonsense, milady, what you did not hear was just the sound of wind in the trees. (He hears some bagpipes) And bagpipes.

Souflé:

Edward? (MACDONALD, a beefy Scotsman with a heavy accent enters, playing the bagpipes) Oh, not Edward.

Springrod:

A Scot? What are the chances of that? (Souflé and Springrod go to greet MacDonald) Good sir, how fairs thee on this fine day, and what brings you to these woods?

MacDonald:

Eh? What’s it to ya? (he notices Souflé) What have we here? A fine piece of work indeed.

Springrod:

Quite so. I believe that this meeting may be very fortuitous, Mr.-

MacDonald:

MacDonald. Up in Scotland they refer to me as the great “Old Man MacDonald.”

Springrod:

Wait, so you’re “Old MacDonald”? (He trys to restrain himself from laughing, but Souflé just lets loose)

MacDonald:

Yeah. What’s so funny?

Souflé (singing and laughing):

Chick, chick, here, chick, chick, there...

MacDonald:

You best not be making fun of me.

Springrod:

Sir, this poor girl is delirious, and I, a humble woodsman, am not fit to deliver her home. Perhaps you could take the poor princess to her homeland, where I imagine honor and reward would be waiting for you.

MacDonald:

She’s a princess? What kind?

Springrod:

She’s French. The best kind of princess.

MacDonald:

Well, that’s all right. If she was part of the royal line of England I’d be obligated to... I don’t want you thinking I’m the violent type, but I’ve got a bit of a vendetta with the royal family.

Springrod:

Then you must be a friend of John-Richard-Henry XXXVII, of Yorkcaster.

MacDonald:

Nope. He’s just another obstacle, the way I see it.

Springrod:

Interesting. I suppose we all have our conquests.

MacDonald:

I’m going to be the king of England if it kills me... which it won’t, by the way, because no man can kill Old MacDonald! (Souflé giggles)

Edward (whispering):

Springrod! I must speak to thee!

Springrod:

Oh, how rude of me to hog the conversation! Princess Souflé, this is Ol’ MacDonald. Why don’t you two get acquainted while I... uh... talk to the tree over there.

MacDonald:

So that’s what they call it in England.

(Springrod goes to Edward while MacDonald trys to talk to Souflé, who still can’t get over the fact that he’s named Old MacDonald)

Springrod:

Yes, sire?

Edward:

Springrod, I fear that Scot. I believe he means me harm.

Springrod:

There’s no mistaking it: he contends you for the crown, and will have you dead.

Edward:

When irony is cruel she is vicious! That the one thing I dread the most, my fate to take up the garland of the realm, should be my undoing!

Springrod:

Personally, I think he’s a nut, but I’ll find out what mischief he’s up to by pretending to support his cause. You stay hidden!

Edward:

One more thing, friendly Springrod. It occurs to me that we have just met another militant man pledged to fight my royal line. Perhaps he is my father’s murder!

Springrod:

I suppose that is plausible. Good observation, sire. You have exceeded my minimal expectations of you.

Edward:

Springrod, your praises are too great!

Springrod:

Indeed they are. (he goes back to Souflé and MacDonald) Hello, again. If I may ask-

Souflé:

Chick, chick, here, and

Springrod:

Oh good lord, lady, it’s not even that funny! Now, sir MacDonald, I may be nothing more than a humble woodsman, but I have often wondered why no one has waged a respectable battle against the royal pretenders. I can think of a thousand reasons why they should be ousted, but what are your reasons, if I may hear them?

MacDonald:

My reason is simple: I am destined to be the king.

Springrod:

Really? Then you must be the conqueror I have been searching for all my life! I would be interested in joining your cause, as I am certain there are many others who have already done so.

MacDonald:

Nope. It’s just me against all my enemies. Let me explain something I haven’t told many people. You see this? (he hands Springrod a tiny slip of paper) Go ahead, and read the prophecies!

Springrod:

“The throne of England you should seek,

For no man alive can kill you this week. (pause, and squints at the bottom)

Okataga Fortune Cookie Company.” This is your prophesy? Where did you get this?

MacDonald:

As long as I can claim the throne in the next three days, I shall fulfill my destiny and become England’s king! Amazing, ain’t it?

Springrod:

I think I’m more amazed that you found a fortune cookie in these parts, but anyways... Three days... How fortuitous that your path has been made easier. The king just died two days ago.

MacDonald:

Yep, he’s good and dead.

Springrod (trying to push the question):

He is dead by the hand of an assassin who apparently makes his way through these woods. (Souflé has gotten bored and is looking around at the trees, getting near to Edward’s hiding place) I’m sure the king’s timely death fits into your plan quite nicely. (he notices Souflé and goes to pull her downstage) Oh, my lady! Have you gotten lost again?

Souflé:

Not lost. I look for Edward.

Springrod:

I’m sure you were. Now, Mr. MacDonald, you were talking about wonderful plots to kill the king, I believe.

Souflé:

Kill?!

MacDonald:

We shouldn’t talk about killing and death around ladies. It’s not proper.

Springrod:

Then perhaps we should talk about what you’ve been doing for the past-

MacDonald:

I’m afraid I must cut our meeting short, woodsman. I must hurry to London if I am to complete my conquest on time. Lovely girl, I leave you, but come to me when I am king of England, my sweet.

(MacDonald kisses her on the hand, which repulses her. He then picks up his bagpipes and begins leaving)

Edward (shouting curses at MacDonald after he’s already left and presumably is out of earshot):

Your playing is as foul as a sooty-footed cat! What a knave! To think to acquire my rightful throne and my promised bride? Granted, I never wanted either, but-

Souflé:

Edward! (she drags him out of hiding)

Springrod:

Oh no.

Souflé:

Edward! Silly boy talk to trees! I find you. We marry now?

Edward:

Words fail me, Princess, for I am not gifted with a tongue to respond to such an offer.

Souflé (sadly):

Edward no want to marry Souflé?

Edward (to himself):

What course of action shall avoid the most ponderous of peril? What speech can I give that would soothe her temper?

Souflé:

Why Edward not marry?

Edward (aside, to Springrod):

Springrod, I fear she is becoming scorned!

Springrod:

You must tell her the truth, or her feelings will only be more deeply entrenched in this matter.

Edward:

I shall explain myself as only I know how. I shall use a metaphor so grand that it will be a cushion for her soul as it falls from the window I push her out of, from the tower of her highest hopes. Beautiful princess Souflé, you and I, are like... um... two things that can’t be together, such as-

Springrod:

Oil and water.

Edward:

Yes! As oil and water!

Souflé:

Oil? I don’t know. I don’t understand.

Edward:

I shall illustrate the point visually, as God intended. What luck that I should happen to have found a glass of water and a flask of oil behind that tree!

Springrod:

I won’t even ask...

Edward:

Princess Souflé, you are this oil, and I am this glass of water. Actually, I am the water in the glass. (he pours the oil) As you can see, the oil and the water do not mix, as the good Lord did not intend for them to be together, and you and I are never to be together. (Springrod claps)

Souflé:

You water?

Edward:

Yes, I am represented by the water.

Souflé:

And I oil?

Edward:

Yes.

Souflé (excited):

I go on top?

Springrod:

Egads, the one time Eddie does a metaphor right, he’s misunderstood!

Edward:

Springrod, I fear this wench does not comprehend my example correctly.

Springrod:

We’re going to have to try something more subtle. Princess, look over there!

(Souflé turns, and Springrod and Edward run offstage, leaving the oil and water behind)

Souflé:

Edward? Oh!

(She swears and throws a fit in French, then picks up the flask of the remaining oil and dumps it on herself. She readies a match, and begins reciting the Lord’s prayer, but can’t get through it without the match burning out. She trys 3-4 times, each time speaking faster and faster in an effort to get through the entire prayer. Finally, she’s out of matches)

Stupid cheap matches! Ooh!

(exits)

Act II, Scene III: A Forest Grotto

(JRH enters, followed by attendants and Frederick)

JRH:

That’s the last time we take directions from anyone who calls himself “Lord of the Forest.” Oh, brutal futility! Shall we never find our way through this thick of trees? We are lost, Frederick, and have failed to find the honest Mario, who promised to introduce me to the deadly assassin he had spoke of.

Frederick:

Perhaps now that you have reminded us of that, sir, he will appear.

(Mario and Addy enter)

JRH:

What luck is this? Just as I had thought of him, he appears! Come, Frederick, and help me judge his companion. We must sound out this assassin to make sure she is fit for the job. Her methods of death by seduction seem intriguing, though highly unorthodox. (Calling out) At last we meet! What ho, friends?

Addy (intentionally playing on the pun):

Ho? I am no ho.

JRH:

Mario, what manner of man, er... woman is this? This can not be the famed assassin, “The Black Widow”, is it?

Mario:

It is, my lord.

JRH:

Then I greet you, Black Widow.

Addy:

Please call me “Addy”, my dearest lord.

JRH:

“Addy?” I suppose that such a moniker is more melodious, but the image it conjures is not as impressive as “The Black Widow.” Well, let it be, I shall call you Addy. My first purpose here is to gauge your commitment. Let us have it then: Addy, do you love me? (note that this is used in the royal, plutonic sense, not in a romantic sense)

Addy (taken aback):

Why, my lord, you are so direct…

JRH:

If I am to be king than all must love me, and those whose support I call upon now must already love me as their king.

Addy:

I do love you.

Frederick:

I love you too, sir.

JRH:

I sense no lie in your voice, Addy, but only heartfelt sincerity. I will not doubt your devotion. However, I have not been extensively briefed as to your past experience. Have you killed many, Addy?

Addy:

Yes, of course. I have killed many.

JRH:

How many?

Addy:

Have you ever heard of something called “The Plague”?

JRH:

Yes!

Addy:

That was me.

JRH:

Incredible! And to think we blamed it on the rats. You must have more experience than any other killer alive, dead, or unborn! “The Plague” must have accounted for at least one hundred deaths!

Frederick:

25 million in 5 years, sir.

JRH:

Don’t interrupt, Frederick.

Frederick:

I am sorry, sir.

JRH:

Now, Addy... I’m sorry, but do we have to call you Addy? “The Black Widow” sounded so much more ominous. (Addy sighs) “The Plague” would also be acceptable.

Addy:

If your grace will have it so.

JRH:

I certainly shall. Mario has told me of your unconventional method of killing. Do you kill all your victims that way?

Addy:

Um... (she looks to Mario for a hint, who nods) Of course.

JRH:

Really? And you have no qualms?

Addy:

No, none at all. I’ve even taken jobs against women and children. (Mario slaps his forehead)

JRH:

How perverse. This is exactly what I am looking for. Now, what means shall you use against Prince Edward? A dagger, or a rope, or perhaps a candlestick?

Addy:

I shall use... this poison, my lord. (she pulls out a bottle of perfume)

JRH:

Ah, how clever of you to hide your poison in a perfume bottle. It is even scented!

You are not only resolute and skilled, but clever as well. I believe you shall be well-suited for this job. I need you to hunt down and eliminate my rival to the throne, Prince Edward. What payment shall you require for this task?

Addy:

Only your affection, my lord. That is all I ask.

JRH:

You shall have my love, as all those who support me shall. When the time comes, whatever land or title you would wish shall be yours. Is this satisfactory?

Addy (resigning):

Yes.

JRH:

Than we part, and leave you to your delightful murderous plots.

Addy (after a pause):

I must be straight with you, my lord, as I fear I have not been so thus far. When I say “I love you”, I mean I love you with all my life, as the heifer loves the bull. For many years I yearned for your affection, but I hid behind the fear that you could not reciprocate my feelings. Now I have seen the future, and that future lies with you, a king, with I by your side as your queen. I must pursue this dream. Let me know that my reward lies in thus and not in land or titles. It is the only way I can continue to believe in this vision. (pause) Can you speak, my lord? Can you bid me an answer?

JRH:

I... can not give you an answer... now. We must wait until Edward is deceased.

Addy:

But may I live in hope?

JRH:

All women I hope live so.

Addy:

I shall report back when the deed is done. My poison can not fail.

(she exits)

JRH:

What think you, Mario? Could she be earnest? I long to believe her, for she is beautiful, passionate, and clever. Yet I know that many men (and women and children) have believed such tales of love before and fallen into death. What thinkest thou?

Mario:

My lord, I dare not speak ill of any lady, especially one so good at her trade of deception and murder.

JRH:

I wish to believe that all she said were true, but I must keep my guard watchful. We must be wary of those who claim to be allies.

Mario:

Indeed we must. We shall meet again, my lord.

(JRH and attendants leave. Mario laughs maniacally for an excessively long time and talks to himself about his plots while Edward and Springrod enter.)

Edward:

Our journey seems fraught with one oddity after another, as though we trekked the path of Odysseus. This is a man I know only too well: the honest Mario. Should I address him? Though I hold the man in regard reserved for... people held in high regard, he remains a servant of my mother. I can not hold back but to reason that he has been sent here to retrieve me. Why else is he here?

Springrod:

And why is he just standing there laughing maniacally?

Edward:

He must have stumbled upon a great bout of humor while alone in the forest. That settles it! My enterprise lies in addressing him, for I must know the cause of his joyous disposition.

Springrod:

Ed, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

Edward:

Noble Mario, how fairs thee on this fair day?

Mario (caught off guard):

I was not aware that you and your companion were in this pleasant grove, here where we are.

Edward:

We observed you in a great fit of jollity. Come, share the cause of your humor with us.

Mario:

Oh, that. I was simply thinking about one of my favorite riddles.

Edward:

Well, out with it. Let us have it.

Mario:

Here goes: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Edward:

This is a strange riddle, for much remains unknown. Does the chicken cross the road of his own free will?

Mario:

Um… It doesn’t matter.

Edward:

Perhaps you are right, for we have not even established that the chicken is in fact alive, or if he is even a chicken.

Springrod:

We know he’s a chicken, the joke tells us so.

Edward:

Ah, but perhaps this is an allegory. The chicken represents the collective human soul, trying to cross a road.

Springrod:

What does the road represent?

Edward:

It’s just a road.

To cross or not to cross? That is the question.

Whether ‘tis nobler in the bird’s eye,

To bear the bore and tedium of outrageous sidewalks,

Or to take steps across the road of troubles,

And by crossing, be at the other side?

For who would stay where he is when he himself,

Might his crossing make at a bare crosswalk?

He ponders whether he will leave his ills

To fly to others he knows not of on the other side.

To cross, to walk, no more.

Then it occurs to him: what if there is no other side,

What if this side is all he has?

Thus, conscience does make cowards of us all,

As we sit on one side, too “chicken” to cross the road.

Springrod:

That’s beautiful, Ed.

Edward:

I thought as much. Is this the answer to your riddle, Mario?

Mario:

Yes. That was exactly what I was thinking of.

Edward:

Excellent. Why is that funny?

Mario:

It is a rather sophisticated joke, but come, tell me of your adventures, as I am sure you have had many,

Edward:

Indeed we have, and now we flee from the most fearful adversary any man could have.

Mario:

What foe is this?

Edward:

Princess Souflé. I fear she will never stop tracking me. I have tried everything. I even showed her visibly by using oil and water.

Mario:

Oil and water?

Springrod:

It’s really not worth getting into.

Mario:

Perhaps I may offer a simple token of my counsel.

Edward:

Your counsel is always welcome upon my ears, Mario.

Mario:

Then hear this: to lose the trail of the princess, you must convince her that you are completely inaccessible to her.

Edward:

She would not consider me such unless I were in a grave, and even then I’m not certain (he shudders).

Mario:

Nay, there is another method. If you were married to another woman, she would be forced to drop her pursuit. No princess would dare subplot the blessed bonds of holy matrimony, and since everyone knows that marriage lasts forever, she would have to abandon all hope.

Edward:

Who would I commit myself to marry?

Mario:

There is one who walks these woods who cares deeply for thee. Lady Addyterum is a frequent wanderer of these parts, and I know that her heart yearns only for you, Edward.

Edward:

Can it be? Does the desire of mine eyes turn back to reflect upon them? Mario, dost thou speak true? Of course thou must. If anything can be true, so must this be! Thank you, Mario. I will find my lady, and thus be rid of Souflé.

Mario:

Here she comes now. (aside to audience) How convenient. (to Edward) I wish not to interfere, and thus, I leave you to your own.

(Mario exits, while Addy enters from opposite wing. Addy stops and debates with herself. Edward waits, and Mario reappears in the background, watching Addy.)

Edward:

There she stands, Springrod! What words shall I use? What verse shall I recite that may entwine the heart of my beloved? I wish I knew what she felt right now, waiting over there on stage right.

Addy:

To kill, or not to kill? This ruse I have taken, posing as an assassin, I used merely to obtain the fair glance of my love, sir John-Richard-Henry XXXVII. This allowed me to approach him and proclaim my love, but to advance further it seems that I must perform the wicked deed to which I am employed. While it may serve my designs, I think I can not do this. I must not, for murder most foul would surely stain my name. I shall discard this poison I sought to use against Edward. Not that it was actually poison, but I shall discard it anyway as a symbolic gesture. (She turns to dump out the “poison”. Mario sneaks over and leaves a dagger where she will find it and then hides nearby.)

Edward:

Think you, Springrod, that I should approach her? It seems that we are waiting here for a very long time, doing nothing.

Addy:

What illusion is this I see? Is this a dagger I see before me, the handle towards my hand? (She turns away and blinks several times, as if she expects the dagger to disappear. Mario realizes that the handle is not towards her hand, so he quickly reaches out and flips it.) It is still there! This is no phantom at all. What a strange sign this is! This simple and seemingly inconsequential object must cause me to re-examine my thoughts. Now, let us consider: If Edward is a marked man, chosen by the rich and powerful to die, than die he shall, whether by my hand or another. His death is inevitable. Is it not best then, that he die by the hand of one who does not hate him, than by one who does? And is it not best that his death should gain another her true love, than to simply be for naught? Why yes, it is. I must do this!

(Addy approaches Edward, dagger concealed behind her back)

Edward:

She approaches, Springrod. She is walking this way!

Springrod:

Very slowly and nervously, I may add.

Edward:

Addy, is it true what is said of you?

Addy (stopping in her tracks, afraid):

What is said of me?

Edward:

It is said that you love me, and desire my love in return, as is often the nature of love.

Addy (relieved):

Why yes, my lord, that is true. I am yours if you will have me. You are the one object of my affection. You are my day, my life.

Edward:

So am I to you! Or, you to me… however that works.

Addy:

I... I wish... I pray you, send your companion away. For I wish to confess my true feelings to you and you alone.

Edward:

Springrod, leave us be.

(Springrod starts to leave, but manages to cross in such a way that he sees the hidden dagger)

Addy:

Edward, your rugged fairness is comparable to the gods themselves. Your radiance makes the very sun look dim. Your smile makes the whole world look sad, and…

Springrod:

A dagger? What evil is afoot here?

Addy:

Could you turn that way, my lord? (She turns Edward, who is so swept away that he doesn’t even seem to be paying attention, and then readies her dagger. Then time stops, with her dagger in mid-strike, and Springrod ready to pounce, such that he freezes while balancing on one foot.) Wait. I can not do such a deed. I am not the foul beast I have pretended to be!

So am I to now abandon my plan, and forsake all hope of gaining the affection of John-Richard-Henry XXXVII? It seems foolish to quit now, but perhaps I may take a different path. John-Richard-Henry need not see the body, so perhaps I could win his love without actually committing the deadly deed. Instead, I shall take Edward’s belt, bearing the royal crest, and use it as proof of a job completed.

(She unfastens Edwards belt while he’s still frozen in time. Springrod seems to have trouble holding his pose.)

With this, I shall win my lord’s love. Ah, but what when he discovers that Edward lives, as he very well may? Perhaps I shall simply explain that Edward was too strong for my poison, and although he appeared dead, he recovered. If our love is true, then such a failure would be forgiven. And if he can not forgive, then our love was not meant to be.

(Springrod, still frozen, coughs, trying to get her to move on with this.)

Now, where was I?

(She resumes the pose she had before, and time starts again)

Springrod:

Look lively, my lord!

(Addy quickly withdraws her blade and tosses the weapon aside)

Edward:

What is the matter, Springrod?

Springrod:

This false lover, this deceitful Siren, means to murder you with her words of soft affection.

Edward:

Let her do so, for I very well like her words.

Springrod:

I mean that she is distracting you with her charms while seeking to put a dagger in your back.

Edward:

A dagger? (he looks to Addy) I see no dagger.

Springrod:

My lord, I saw her ready to strike!

Edward:

My friend Springrod! I know not what has affected thy mind to conjure such dreams, but I beg you, be rid of them. This woman is of the sweetest variety! How can you slander her name with such concoctions of the imagination?

Springrod:

Edward, I tell you: this foul wench means to murder!

Edward:

Enough, enough! I will hear no more disgraceful talk. This woman is my love, and I will not have her insulted! Will you withdraw your rude complaints and apologize?

Springrod:

I can not.

Edward:

Oh, it grieves me that it should come to this! Springrod, I must send you hence forth, never to cross my sight again, for your insults bear as heavily on my soul as the guilt of misplaced judgment would. Away with thee! Away!

Springrod:

It is with sorrow that I leave thee. For what fondness you still keep of me, heed this warning: beware of those you meet under strange circumstance.

(Springrod leaves)

Edward:

Now, I do ask thee, fair Addy, to continue.

Addy:

I can not. I am not who you think I am.

Edward:

What means thou by this? Will you not stay? And why do you have my belt?

Addy:

I must go, not for your fault, but for my own shame. I can not hurt you any more. Goodbye.

(Addy exits)

Edward:

Well, that was an unfortunate turn of events, was it not, Springrod? Springrod? Oh, shit.

Act III, Scene I: The Deepest Part of the Woods

(Queen Margaret walks in, with attendants)

Maggie:

So far we seem to have gotten nowhere. We have seen no sign of Edward, that foolish princess remains lost as well, and word has reached me of John-Richard-Henry’s advance toward London. I don’t think this could get any worse, or any sillier. (Mario enters) Mario, where hast thou been?

Mario:

Merely scouting the forest. I have much to report: a man who calls himself “Lord of the Forest” told me about a wizard and-

Maggie:

What of John-Richard-Henry? I have heard that he marches towards London as we speak!

Mario:

May I never be called an honest man! I had no knowledge of this incredible and unbelievably shocking news. Are you sure it is true?

Maggie:

Of course I’m sure! Have I ever been unsure of anything?

(MacDonald and Edward stroll in from opposite sides of the stage, and stop suddenly)

Edward:

Oh no! Mother!

MacDonald:

The only one I fear! Only now does my strength disappear…

Edward:

She means to force me to become king.

MacDonald:

I know what to do!

MacDonald and Edward (in synchrony):

I must disguise myself!

(Edward and MacDonald run behind trees to put on their disguises)

Maggie:

Mario, how can it be that John-Richard-Henry grows a spine at the worst of all possible times?

Mario:

Perhaps he was informed of your son’s disappearance and sensed an opportunity.

Maggie:

How could this be? We kept that knowledge secret.

Mario:

This is unknown. But, if we may use our wits we may discover that there are few fitting explanations. The news is new, is it not? Too sudden for rumor to carry. This indicates that spies, eyes of the enemy, are among us. It may be that some rascal, some treacherous fiend who cares neither for god nor country, some foul-blooded traitor and all-around no-good-nik, has carried the news to John-Richard-Henry’s ears.

Maggie:

If that is true, then we must find this traitor at once and have him beheaded! No... that’s not harsh enough. The traitor shall be double-beheaded, I say.

Mario:

Double-beheaded? How does that work?

Maggie:

Think about it.

Mario:

I try not to.

Maggie:

Of all things I hate, and there are many, treachery is one that I abhor the most.

Mario:

Then let us be watchful, and suspect even those closest to us, such that we may find the knave.

Maggie:

Wait a minute, who is that behind those trees?

(Edward and MacDonald appear, both disguised. Coincidentally, Edward’s disguise makes him look like MacDonald usually does, and MacDonald’s disguise makes him look like Edward. Maggie eyes Edward, mistaking him for MacDonald.)

Could it be? Has he finally come back? (Calling to Edward dressed as MacDonald) MacDonald, you wretched man, how could you not write me?

MacDonald and Edward:

Huh?

Maggie:

I deemed our cause lost, as my heart turned to stone. Do you know what our separation has done to me?

Edward:

What’s this all about?

Maggie:

Now you claim to have you lost all memory of me? You could not have not forgotten how you left me: shattered, bitter, and broken. Time has hardly mended me, MacDonald. You can not apologize for what you have done. Please take me back! (She embraces Edward)

Edward:

Mother!

Maggie:

You mock my age, do you? You are a heartless scoundrel, and have become more so with the passing of the ages. And no longer quite so fat, I see.

MacDonald:

Now, just one minute! I was never fat! I-

Maggie:

Edward? There you are, you naughty little boy! (to Edward) Excuse me, but I must berate our son.

Edward (horrified):

What?!

MacDonald:

Son? Now, that can’t be right.

Maggie:

Now, you listen to me! (She grabs MacDonald’s ear and drags him upstage) I will not hear your protests, your whining, or anything else you have to say! You will behave yourself, or you will be sent to your room with no dessert for the rest of eternity! Do you understand me? (She continues dragging him)

MacDonald:

Ouch! Maggie, I mean, whatever I’m supposed to call you... do you have to hurt me?

Maggie:

Yes! (Edward has been watching in terror. Now Maggie comes to him and grabs him firmly by the hand) Now, MacDonald, will you not come with me? I shan’t let you escape again. I mean it this time (She tightens her grip on both of them).

MacDonald:

She never gives up.

Maggie:

Quiet you!

MacDonald:

Ouch! That does it!

(He flips her over, landing her on the ground, and both he and Edward run off to hide. Mario helps her up.)

Mario:

Are you OK, my lady?

Maggie:

That awful son of mine! When did he get so big and strong?

Mario:

I have no idea, but I think I saw him running off... (he looks to where Edward is, who is pleading with Mario not to reveal him) this way. Yes, right this way. (He leads her offstage, giving a thumbs-up to Edward)

Edward: (to himself)

It is good to have someone as reliable as Mario on my side. To think that for a moment, when I saw him with my mother, I supposed he had worked against me.

(MacDonald and Edward step out and look at each other)

MacDonald:

Now, who the bloody hell are you?

Edward:

Had I the rough nature of... a ruffian, I would not use such harsh language. My identity is of no importance. My mother, I mean, the queen, I mean, that lady (actually, I guess “the queen” would do fine)… The queen appears to be seeking me out, and you as well. Do you know why?

MacDonald:

Nope.

Edward:

Perhaps we should procure disguises, so that she will not recognize us any more. I’ve got what we need right here. (He opens his cloak to reveal a pair of fake beards and glasses and hands a set to MacDonald)

Souflé:

Edward!

(Enter Souflé)

Edward:

Oh crimony of crimson! She has found- I mean, not that I have anything to fear, being someone who is not Prince Edward and in fact completely unfamiliar with this girl.

Souflé:

I find you!

(She goes and grabs MacDonald)

MacDonald:

The French Princess!

(Souflé engages him in a long and sensuous kiss. Edward turns away.)

Edward (suddenly jealous, but trying not to show it):

Well, it is fortunate that this mysterious doppelganger should appear. Maybe she will leave me alone and take him instead. Grrr... I can not stand to watch anymore.

(Exit Edward)

MacDonald:

That was rather sweet. I see you’ve followed me through these woods.

Souflé:

Yes, I follow 'til we marry, Edward.

MacDonald:

Oh no, Miss. My name’s MacDonald. Remember? Chick chick here, and… Ah, the disguise!

(He strips off part of his disguise)

Souflé:

You not Edward! You fake! Oh, I betray the true Edward.

(She pulls herself away and draws a gun)

MacDonald:

Holy sweet anachronism! I’m leaving this crazy lass alone. Wait for me, young lad!

(He runs after Edward, hurriedly throwing both layers of his disguise on. Souflé puts the gun to her head, closes her eyes, and just waits. After nothing happens, she looks befuddled. She tries to make the gun do something, but has no idea how it works.)

Souflé:

What this anyway?

(She drops the gun and exits)

Act III, Scene II: Same Place as the Last Scene, but Later

(Enter JRH, with Frederick, who is carrying a suitcase)

Frederick:

We are making progress towards London, sir.

JRH:

How can you be so sure, Frederick? How could any soul know which direction is which, lost in these perilous woods?

Frederick:

I can tell our direction by the sun, sir.

JRH:

Frederick, it is not wise to place our trust in foolish superstitions. Worship of the sun is a foul and outdated pagan tradition.

Frederick:

If you say so, sir.

(JRH spots the gun that Souflé dropped in the last scene)

JRH:

What strange contraption is that? Frederick, bring it to me. It appears to be some French device. Some useless ornament, perhaps?

(Frederick examines the gun, and then figures out how to use it. He aims into the air and fires. The squawking of some bird is heard)

Frederick:

I think it has a use, sir.

JRH:

I am amazed. With no lordship or nobility to your name, you just felled that majestic eagle!

Frederick:

That’s an albatross, sir.

JRH:

This machine may enable the common man to rise against us, or me (as the case may be). Frederick, put it away and let us never speak of it again!

Frederick:

If you insist, sir.

(Addy enters)

JRH:

It is our friend, “The Black Widow.”

Addy:

Addy.

JRH:

Right. “The Black Widow,” also known as Addy. What have you to say, Black Widow?

Addy:

I have done as you wished. By venturing through these perilous woods, I located your enemy, Prince Edward.

JRH:

Exceptional! What happened when you met?

Addy:

I seduced him with words so pleasing that even the wisest could not turn away.

JRH:

And he fell for it?

Addy:

He did. He knew nothing of my plans for him.

JRH:

So it is done?

Addy:

Yes, I am done. I have brought you his belt as proof of the deed.

JRH (examining the belt):

The royal crest!

Addy:

My lord, may I ask of you what you think of me now?

JRH:

I must say I am impressed. Did he die well?

Addy:

Well, my lord...

JRH:

He did? I am glad to here it.

Addy:

As I am glad to hear your approval. I beg of you, my lord, to speak unto me as you would-

JRH:

Did you use the poison, or something more traditional? Come, I long to hear the details.

Addy:

I like not to dwell on my sins past. I wish to move beyond this, and speak on what we may share together. You promised me that I could live in hope.

JRH:

I did. I suppose we could discuss that at some time fitting, which is not now nor the future.

Addy:

Why are you so cold, my lord? Am I so repulsive unto you that you would continue to send me away?

JRH:

I have reason to... suspect.

Addy:

Suspect what?

JRH:

I respect thee greatly as an assasin, and would give unto thee whatever earthly rewards required to make payment for your services. However, you are a woman who uses her affections falsely, to not only mislead men, but to lead them to their deaths. Such would be honored and praised so long as the service is loyal, but to be a lover? It can not be. For I can not think of thee as a wife so long as I know that affection is a tool of your deadly trade.

Addy:

I can not dispute with your sentiments. Would you take me if I were not an assassin and had not killed a soul in my life? Do you consider me worthy in all other respects?

JRH:

I suppose I might.

Addy:

Would you, or would you not?

JRH:

I suppose... Yes, yes I would.

Addy:

Then take me, my lord, for I am no killer. What you thought of me before, put aside, and renew your vision of me as your tender innocent wife.

JRH:

I don’t understand. What do you mean when you say you are no killer?

Addy:

I mean to say that I have not killed.

JRH:

But you just killed Prince Edward.

Addy:

Edward lives as of this very moment.

JRH:

And all those victims of the Plague?

Addy:

Well, they’re still dead.

Frederick:

I think she means that she had lied previously, sir.

JRH:

Indeed! I had not fathomed that such treachery could lie deep within a lady who on the outside appeared to be an honest killer of woman and children. You must have not only lied to me, but also to Mario! How could you deceive such an honest and honorable man as Mario?

Addy:

The idea was his!

JRH:

Enough! I will not hear any more of your lies, lying woman! Away with you! Away, or death shall be your reward! If Edward lives, than I must seek him out myself. However, since my plans may have been revealed, I must have the ability to travel undetected. Disguises, Frederick!

(Frederick opens a suitcase and pulls out a folded set of clothes)

Frederick:

Here is your favorite outfit, sir.

JRH:

Excellent. Disguise yourself as well, Frederick.

(JRH hides behind a tree to put on his disguise. Frederick pulls out a name tag and sticks it on himself. Addy reads from the tag.)

Addy:

“Hello, my name is Bob”?

Frederick:

I don’t know why I bother.

Addy:

Tell me, Frederick, why does your lord spurn me? (There is a long pause, and Frederick smirks, in a rare show of delight) Tell me, Bob, why does your lord spurn me?

Frederick:

I think it may be that you suddenly changed your identity and revealed that you had tricked him.

Addy:

Alas, I have done everything wrong. But was there anything right that could have been done? Had I not told him the truth, he would have rejected me, for he feared me. Had I not played the part necessary to gain his audience in the first place, I would not have even been afforded the opportunity to be rejected. It makes one wonder at the futility of it all.

Frederick:

You still have time. There are ways to prevail, one way or another.

Addy:

There is nothing left for me to do. Your lord would kill me before he looked at me softly.

(Frederick reaches into the suitcase and pulls out a second name tag)

“Hello, my name is Rachel.” You’ve got to be joking.

Frederick:

I wish I was.

(JRH emerges, dressed as a female sprite, complete with a wig)

JRH:

If my own father saw me now, he would not call me son.

Frederick:

Nobody would, sir.

JRH:

Who are you? Bob? I’ve never seen you before. What is your business in these parts?

Frederick:

It is me, your attendant Frederick, sir. I’ve disguised myself as a guy named Bob.

JRH:

Incredible! I can not believe it! Are you certain you are not Bob?

Frederick:

Positive, sir.

(Addy takes note of this and puts on the name tag that Frederick gave her. JRH turns to her)

JRH:

I beg your pardon, strange lady Rachel, I did not see you. What fate brings you out here to these most unfriendly woods?

Addy:

I... I’m with Bob.

JRH:

Indeed. Well, I dare not leave such fine strangers stranded here alone. Bob, Rachel, follow me.

Frederick:

No, sir, it’s me. I’m... oh, never mind.

Act III, Scene III: Yet Another Indescript Place in the Forest

(Enter MacDonald, disguised with a fake beard and glasses over his first disguise, with Edward, who is also wearing two disguises. MacDonald plays his bagpipes as Edward sings.)

Edward:

Oh, come with me, and you shall see,

The strange encounters I have said,

The many folk I’ve had to meet,

All competing for my head,

Now though we’re in the wilderness,

The wild place of beasts and bees,

It seems that, against likeliness,

There are more people here than trees.

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

(MacDonald increases the tempo of the song. Enter JRH, in his sprite costume, followed by Addy and Frederick, with their false nametags)

Now look at this, that I should spot,

A very handsome, pretty sight,

This is the finest of the lot,

Oh, dance for me, kind lady sprite!

(pause in song)

JRH:

Um... OK. I guess that is what we sprites do.

(resume, with JRH dancing a jig)

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

JRH:

I am a pretty fairy thing,

Laughing spirit, full of wit,

All complete with magic wings,

(pant, pant) Can we slow this down a bit?

Everyone Else:

No!

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

Addy:

My name is Rachel,

Frederick:

And I’m Bob

Together:

Our name tags say so, thus it’s true,

Addy:

And though I find this rather odd,

Frederick:

It made sense in Act 3, Scene 2.

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

(Mario slithers in)

Mario:

And now I’ve come to speak my part,

For it’s said I act bitterly,

Though many’ve given me their hearts,

I’d like to have them literally!

Chorus:

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Stopping for nothing wherever we go,

Hey! Merrily, merrily ho!

Pick up the pace, we’re too slow,

(The song ends, and Maggie enters)

Maggie:

Mario, now what have you found? And what in God’s name are all you people doing here? Forget I asked. Have any of you seen my worthless son, Prince Edward? No? Well, hear this: whoever turns him in shall receive a small but very honorable title of land.

Edward:

Ooh! A title of land!

(Edward starts to run up, but Maggie continues, as Mario glowers, so we know that this is his doing)

Maggie:

I will have the traitor brought to justice, I say! There is a conspiracy afoot here, and while John-Richard-Henry XXXVII moves towards London, another force grows to seize the crown from our other flank! There is only one explanation for Edward’s disappearance alongside that of Princess Souflé. Clearly, they have banded together to sell out England and lead France to conquer us all!

(Everyone gasps and begins talking at once)

JRH:

Those French bastards! They plan to make us eat snails!

Addy:

Think you that this is true, Bob? I didn’t notice that French girl near Edward last I saw hi