Story Title-all about me

8/7/2019 Story Title-all about me

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Story Title: All About Me

I am an overweight, unfit female of far too many years to mention. I look at myself sometimes and

wonder how this happened. I know we were all young fit and fabulous once but I still want to be! I

long for the time when riding my horse didnt mean hiring a crane just to get me onboard and eating

a cream bun didnt land me in the hospital emergency room with gall bladder problems!

Oh yes this happened and to add insult to injury a very young female doctor told me I was a prime

suspect because I was over forty, over weight, no longer fertile and female, Bugger! The four F's I

wanted to add an F of my own but I managed to restrain myself. Actually restraint didnt come into

it. I was in so much pain I couldnt even think.

The reason Im telling you all this is because after years of falling in and out of love, many broken

hearts thinking life wasnt all it was cracked up to be, a long marriage and years of bringing up

children, at last something has happened that can and hopefully will change my life again and point

me in yet another direction. Who said life was dull? It happened a week ago when the phone rang

and a man asked to speak to Ms (I really liked that!) Amelia Grange.

Apparently this kind gentleman was the lawyer for my great aunt Edna's estate in Latvia, I didn't

even know I had a great aunt Edna or even where Latvia was.

Well as it goes my great aunt Edna was still alive and well but had decided to redo her will since

her only son had run off with another man and in Latvian high society this just wasn't done.

So she had instructed Mr Flanks to contact her remaining relatives and to assemble them together at

her mansion in Latvia to see who she would choose to take over the Grange fortune... as I looked

around my squallid 1 bedroom flat the thought of a Grange fortune brought on a fit of the giggles.

I had never really travelled anywhere outside my home town so the prospect of travelling to a place

called Latvia was rather daunting. Christ, I didn't really even have a damn suitcase...much less the

idea of filling one with a room full of stuff that I probably wouldn't even need anyway!

The caller had told me that the travelling costs had been taken care of and all that I really needed to

do was get on the plane and travel to this strange place. This could be quite an adventure, I thought

to myself. Also, a car was going to pick me up and take me to the airport - in the next few hours. It

was clear that time was clearly a consideration when it came to my great aunt.

As I was looking around my room and what I should think about taking, my eye caught the small

picture I have of my great aunt from many years go. She was a bit of an old grand dame in her own

selfless way but I couldn't help but think she looked unusually sinister.

Strange isn't it how the mind plays tricks on you? As I said I didnt know I had an aunt and nowlooking at the photo all my memories came flooding back. She was the one who, when I was very

young, locked me in an old fridge we had in the yard, she wasnt much older than I was but she was

strong and crazy! Bloody hell if it hadn't been for the gardener I would have died, I remember she

lied about doing it when confronted. And now she has a fortune! Who am I to complain, but this

must be some sort of joke, how do I know she isn't going to outlast us all, after all a trip to see her

might all be in vain, or it could be some sort of warped joke. OK Do I go or not? That is the burning

question? As I said once if you dont grab the wishbone the wish can't come true can it?

I didn't have long to ponder - before I knew it a car horn sounded outside and it was time to go. It

was now or never. Without further ado I crammed a handful of knickers and bras into an overnightbag, followed by my best flannellette pyjamas - the red ones with the black and white spotty dogs

on them - and my swimsuit and floral bathing cap (how the hell do I know what the weather's doing


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in Latvia?) I dropped a pinch of fish flakes in for Samson and Delilah and felt a momentary flash of

guilt that next time I sighted them they'd probably be bloated floaters.

Oh well...

I locked the door and hurried down the front stairs. A fancy black car stood waiting at the gate. The

driver, in suit and cap, held the door open for me. He bowed his head solemnly as I approached. I

felt rather smart. I glanced back up at the windows to see if the neighbours were watching.

I do hope they weren't because as I arrived at the kerb I tripped over my own feet and fell flat on my

back. With all my weight behind me it bloody well hurt I can tell you!

The driver tried in vain to pick me up and as he did I poked him in the eye with my long polished

nails. Things were not going well! Eventually I managed to regain my dignity and kind of crawled

into the car. After a long and painful journey to the airport I arrived, or rather we arrived because

the driver was still with me wasn't he. He dumped me as quickly as he could and I headed into the

terminal. At the check in desk a young, (why are they always so young?) woman relieved me of my

suitcase, told me to have a nice trip and sent me to the security. That's when I had my next

accident!!

At the security gate a ridiculously large slab of man pointed at my overnight bag, at my shoes, and

at the luggage conveyer belt. I opened my mouth to enquire of him exactly what contraband or

weapon of mass destruction he imagined might be contained in my rather shabby vinyl lace ups, but

something about his iron set jaw and prtruding brow warned me to refrain. Obediently and with

great effort I bent down to unlace my shoes.

Of course, I had not seen my feet from a standing position in close to a decade, let alone attempted

to access them, so the result was something of a debacle. For the second time that day, and to the

apparent amusement of literally hundreds of onlookers I lost my balance and tipped headlong to the

ground. As my face rapidly approached the magnificently polished floor I tried to recall exactly

which knickers I had chosen to wear that morning. I felt that this was quite important as themajority of passengers waiting to board my flight were at this very moment...

Staring at me with open mouths. Bugger I thought I hope I did put some on! Of course I did, didn't

I?

Too late now anyway I rolled on the floor and ended up I'm sure looking like a beached whale on

speed. I lay there thinking to myself that this wasn't what I had hoped for, I wanted to appear cool,

like they do in movies but no such luck.

Then a very good looking young man took hold of my arm and said in the most sexy voice: "Are

you alright, can I help you?"

"Yes please" I stammered. My throat had constricted as I locked into his eyes. Wow, what a body

what a man!! He helped me to my feet picked up my scruffy shoe, put my things into the box

provided, led me to the thing you walk through and met me at the other side with a smile that

knocked me off my feet! Well not literally but you know what I mean. "Come with me" he invited.

Gladly I took hs arm. Quite frankly, the way this day was progressing, it was clearly advisable to

hold on to something with a more stable equilibrium than my own.

"Where are you off to?" he enquired.


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I gazed into his crystal blue eyes. His face was tanned and his teeth looked like something out of a

toothpaste commercial. His smell made me think of the ocean... and yachts... and champagne...

"Ma'am?"

"Pardon?"

"Where are you going? Which gate?"

"Oh... yes... umm..." I fumbled for my boarding pass. "Gate twenty one. I'm going to Latvia."

"Latvia?" I vaguely heard him through the song which played in my mind -Do you like pina

coladas... Gettin caught in the rain...

Come on get a grip. What was happening to me it must have been the knock on the head I was

behaving irrationally. "Er ...Um.. Gate 21.. Yes Latvia."

"Come on I'll take care of you, can't have you falling over again can we, I'm on the same flight don't

worry"

"Are you?" I asked

"Yes I'm off to see some batty old second cousin twice removed, apparently she thinks she is dying

and wants to see all her family gathered round so she can make a new will"

Oh My God! He was a relation, just my damn luck. Well at least it proves we breed them good

looking doesn't it I was thinking to myself, but to him I said "Really how very interesting, you must

be a Grange man then". He looked at me and said,

"Why yes, as a matter of fact. Robert Grange. And you are?" Goddamn. He was charming to boot.

"Amelia Grange. On my way to visit Aunt Edna at her request."

"Really? What a coincidence!" He pondered for a moment, then - "Tell me, have you ever met

Edna?"

The fridge incident flashed before my eyes. Upon consideration I decided it was best left unsaid.

Better to allow Robert to form his own impressions. "Er - no..."

We reached the gate in time to hear the final boarding call. We hurried down the tunnel and onto the

plane to find that as luck - or Edna - would have it we were seated together.

"Neither have I" he said as he helped me into my seat. These aircraft seats are made for midgets, I

felt as if I was jammed into the bloody fridge again with no room to move, serves me right really

for A) fantasising about Robert and B) lying to him.

Then we were airbourne and on our way, we were served drinks and we chatted away getting to

know each other better. Well that's not quite true because we were very careful for some reason

about what we disclosed, it's weird what the thought of money can do to a person, if that wasn't

between us I think we might have been more relaxed. All was going smoothly until I spilled my

drink down the front of his very smart sweater. God I'm a clutz why do I do things like this all the

time?


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After a time I dozed off. I'm not entirely sure how long I was out, but when I awoke I found my

head resting on Robert's shoulder. Embarrassed, I quickly sat upright, and as I did a long strand of

drool stretched from the corner of my mouth to Robert's sweater. On closer inspection I noticed that

he actually had quite a collection of drool down his arm.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "I am sorry" I said. I picked up a napkin and

attempted to wipe away the offending drool. It seemed to have hardened. It must have been there

for some time.

"Yes. Well..." Robert replied, somewhat tight-lipped. Relations between us seemed to be cooling

significantly. Which is the usual course of my interactions with - well - almost everybody.

I decided to change the subject of my dribbling problem and engage him in conversation. "I wonder

how many rellies will be there"

He looked at me as if I was speaking a different language "Rellies? " he asked. "Yes, sorry -

relations. How many do you think?" He thought about it for a while then said,

"I was told there would only be two"

"Shit! Really?" Wow I thought this is really strange, how come we two had met? What was going

on? Did he know it was me and had sinister plans, I started to worry. No. It couldn't be, that would

just be too clever. But I have to admit it was weird the way he appeared from nowhere when I was

sprawled across the floor, then sitting next to me, very strange. Maybe he was the one that spoke to

me on the phone maybe he was whisking me away for some reason.

We spent the rest of the flight in an uneasy silence. Perhaps we were both thinking the same thing -

only one of us could inerit the Grange fortune - which one of us would it be?

After changing flights in Rome we arrivd at Riga International Airport. It must have been early

morning in Riga - I could tell by the crow of the rooster which strutted beneath the stairs as wedescended onto the runway. We pushed our way through a small herd of mountain goats and made

our way towards the terminal.

"Look - " said Robert. "Over there - "

I followed his gaze to where an elderly woman wearing a somewhat grotty woollen kirtle, a

headscarf, very sensible shoes and a toothless grin stood holding an untidy handwritten sign which

read:

"GrUnGE."

"Do you think she means us?" I asked Robert. I smiled and waved politely.

The old woman pointed towards the horse drawn cart she had parked at the front of the terminal and

motioned for us to get in.

Cripes! I thought she was meant to be rich, the poor horse looked starving, the wheels of the cart

looked as if a bump would knock them off and as for Mrs/Ms/Miss Grunge she looked as if a

shower and change of clothes wouldn't go amiss.

"Good Lord" Robert muttered beside me, "what the hell have we got here, we'd better stick close to

each other ok?"


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"OK" I said, "No wonder she's rich she doesnt spend it does she?" I giggled to myself, this was an

adventure indeed, there was I expecting at least a Rolls Royce!

The poor old woman was as crippled as the horse and it took us fifteen minutes to get her into the

cart.

I must say Robert was charm personified during this operation, which made me giggle even more.

Mrs/Ms/Miss Grunge looked at us when we finally all got in, (and let me tell you it wasn't easy for

me either!) and said "Well let's move on out".

Move on out?

Robert and I were thrown backwards into a mound of straw as the old lady let out an almighty crack

of the whip - causing the poor old horse to spring into motion. It seemed the old bag of bones had

some life in him after all! By now I had completely lost count of the number of times throughout

this journey that I found myself upside down. I was no longer embarrassed. Robert, too, seemed

resigned as, yet again, he assisted me into an upright position.

We bumped and jolted our way through the cobbled streets of Riga for what seemed like hours. Just

when I thought the incessant chattering of my teeth might actually cause tem to crack apart weemerged onto a smooth dirt road, and lush green countryside stretched out as far as the eye could

see in every direction. I was content to sit back and take in the scenery, but Robert appeared to be

becoming quite agitated.

"Where the bloody hell are we?" he muttered.

"I heard that young Robert" MS / Mrs/MIss Grunge yelled. Cripes I thought we have a right one

here. I kept quiet because if I said anything I knew I would start giggling again. Let Robert annoy

her that's good I thought, he wont get the money and I will!

"I'm so sorry" Said Robert sucking up to her

"I didn't mean to offend" Yeh right I thought, but kept quiet.

"We're almost there" She said. and then we turned a bend in the road and there before us was the

biggest bloody house I have ever seen. Well no that's not actually true because I have seen pictures

in magazines and on telly but I mean in real life.

Well bugger me I thought she really is rich! Wow what a place but as the old nag gathered speed

going down the hill towards the house, a funny thing happened!

Strangely, the horse appeared to move further and further ahead of the cart, and I realised withhorror the cause of this apparent illusion. Somehow the old cart had become dislodged from its

trusty steed - who had now given up on any pretence of attatchment and was now grazing calmly in

a field.

"CRIPES!" hollered Robert.

"Lord have mercy!" I exclaimed.

The Grunge woman simply turned to us and shrugged her shoulders as though this were a regular,

albeit unfortunate, occurrence.


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"What a lovely house" I thought, as the cart smashed into the enormous front stairs, shattering on

impact and hurtling its occupants inelegantly skyward.

Then once again I found myself upside down with my legs in the air and my knickers flashing in the

wind.

I looked around to see what the others were doing, Robert was lying very still on the ground and

Aunt Edna, was getting up. I call her Aunt because despite all the traumas that had befallen this

sorry group I really was growing quite fond of the old crow.

"Get up!" Edna yelled at me. I don't know why she was doing that it wasn't my fault the horse had

gone or the cart had fallen apart.

"Look at Robert" she cried. I did and was a bit scared to see that he still hadn't moved. I picked

myself up and moved towards him, he was very still, Oh God please don't tell me he was really

hurt, we would never get an ambulence out here.

He moaned!

Then once again I found myself upside down with my legs in the air and my knickers flashing in thewind.

I looked around to see what the others were doing, Robert was lying very still on the ground and

Aunt Edna, was getting up. I call her Aunt because despite all the traumas that had befallen this

sorry group I really was growing quite fond of the old crow.

"Get up!" Edna yelled at me. I don't know why she was doing that it wasn't my fault the horse had

gone or the cart had fallen apart.

"Look at Robert" she cried. I did and was a bit scared to see that he still hadn't moved. I picked

myself up and moved towards him, he was very still, Oh God please don't tell me he was reallyhurt, we would never get an ambulence out here.

He moaned!

"Wheedlecuss" I thought he said.

Heavens, I thought, he must have hit his head hard! "What did you say, Robert?" I asked, assisting

him into an upright position.

Robert spat out a mouthful of straw. "Ridiculous!" he snapped.

"Why, Robert - "

"That's it!" he shouted, dusting himself off and dragging himself to his feet. "That's it! No more!

I've taken all I can take of this farce!"

"Calm do - "

"That's it, old woman!" he was addressing Aunt Edna directly now. "I've done everything you've

asked me to do, now PAY UP! I've brought you this - this - HIDEOUS -RIDICULOUS- " He wasmotioning towards me now.

"Um, excuse me Robert" I interjected - "I can hear you."


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Robert stomped his feet in a manner most unbecoming. His face was bright red with fury. "I don't

give a - "

"Young man!" interrupted Edna.

"You wait till my agent hears what you've put me through! A simple acting job, you told her! Put on

a suit, act posh, find the stupid old fool at the airport..."

" Oh My God" I shouted " not you as well?" He looked at me blankly " What are you talking

about?"

"She hired me as well" I explained " I can't blame you for being cranky, this isnt really me you

know"

"What are you talking about?" He repeated. I laughed and pulled off the very uncomfortable rubber

face mask I had been putting on every morning. "Look at me," I yelled at him. He did and I have to

say his expression was classic. If I liked the saying I would have said he was gob smacked, but I

hape it. He was however standing there with his mouth wide open and a small smile started to creep

across his face. " Fuck! you're not bad looking are you?" I laughed. "Your're not bad yourself" I said

laughing.

"But what the hell is this all about?"

" Well lets ask Edna"

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Story Title-all about me