Richard B Miller, Ph.D.School of Family Life

Brigham Young University

Positive Emotions in Marriage Happy Satisfied Comfortable Excited “In love” Secure Validated Fulfilled

Negative Emotions in Marriage Disappointed Discouraged Hopeless Hurt Resentful Angry Furious Depressed Fearful

Reciprocal Nature of Marital Interaction and Emotions

Positive emotions motivate us to interact in positive ways with our spouse

When we are treated kindly by our spouse, we are likely to feel happy.

When we experience negative emotions, it makes us more likely to interact in negative ways with our spouse. It also makes it more likely that we will have negative thoughts about our spouse.

When we are treated unkindly by our spouse, we are likely to experience negative emotions.

This reciprocal relationship often creates a vicious cycle.

Increasing Positive Emotions Behavioral Strategy:

One of the primary principles of increasing positive emotions in marital relationships is to increase the positive interactions.

Gottman has found that happy marriages consistently have a positive to negative interaction ratio of 5:1.

Cognitive Strategy: Unhappy couples tend to focus on each negative

characteristics and behaviors. They ignore or discount their spouse’s positive traits.

Couples need to recognize their spouse’s positive behaviors and positive traits.

Emotional Regulation Emotion regulation refers to individuals’ ability to

recognize their emotions, to track their emotions, influence how these emotions are experienced, and influence how and when these emotions are expressed.

The inability of individuals to regulate their emotions increases their risk for problems with Marital relationships Parenting Mental health Physical health Work

Emotional Regulation Emotions can be over-regulated

Example is Suppression of Emotions Some spouses minimize and avoid emotions

They struggle with dealing with and expressing their emotions

Emotions can be under-regulated “Overly emotional” They struggle with “turning off” their emotions

Emotional Suppression Emotional Suppression is a strategy intended to

reduce unwanted emotional experiences. It involves direct attempts to remove any component of an emotional response from conscious experience, including Suppression of the experienced feeling of the emotion. Suppression of the expressive aspects of the emotion. Suppression of thoughts associated with the emotion.

This represents over-regulation of emotions.

Costs of Emotional Suppression Although emotional suppression may reduce expressive

behavior associated with an emotion, that reduction comes at significant costs.

Constant suppression of emotions leads to Increased thoughts about the emotion Decreased memory about the events associated with the

emotion Stronger experience of the emotion Increased physiological arousal associated with the emotion Less satisfying relationships

Passive-aggressive behavior is common.

Why Do People Suppress Emotions?

Some people believe that experiencing some emotions (e.g. anger, fear, sadness) is unacceptable. Parents socialize children about the acceptability of

emotions, in general, as well as specific emotions. Invalidation of children’s emotions Punishment for expressing emotions

Cultural norms shape individuals beliefs about the acceptability of emotions.

Some emotions become aversive to individuals. Childhood abuse and neglect

Developing Emotion Regulation Skills

Adults (and children) need to develop the ability to recognize specific emotions and Identifying specific emotions Labeling emotions Understanding the cause of specific emotions Tracking emotions Recognizing the early onset of emotions

Recognizing and understanding our emotions enables us to better regulate our emotions.

Basic Emotions Mad

Sad

Glad

Afraid

Accessing Emotions that are Minimized and Avoided

It is important for people to access (recognize and deal with) emotions that have been minimized and avoided.

Reasons why this is often important: Understanding one’s emotions can help person recognize the

reasons why they are unhappy in relationship. Because emotions and behavior are connected,

understanding one’s emotions help them understand their behavior in the relationship.

Understanding and expressing emotions leads to the potential for greater intimacy in the relationship

Treating Under-regulation of Emotions

Cognitive Reappraisal Change the meaning of what triggered the negative

emotion. Change the attribution (“He hurt me on purpose.”) Broaden the Context---Understand a broader context of the

situation Explore alternative explanations for what happened.

Emotional Expression Skills

Goal is for the person to feel that his or her emotions are understood and validated.

This helps facilitate the person being able to let go of the emotion and “move on”.

Speaker Motive of the Speaker should be help spouse

understand what they are feeling—their emotions. Not to attack, retaliate, or hurt their spouse.

Use “Soft Start-ups”. Use “I feel” statements. Talk respectfully in a way that will minimize the

likelihood that the Listener will become defensive.

Listener Goal is to make Speaker feel understood and

validated. Roadblocks to effective listening

Defensiveness—making excuses and justifying yourself

Judging Invalidation—dismissing and invalidating the

message of the Speaker Advice giving Topping—having a better (or worse) situation/story

than the one that the Speaker just communicated.

Listener Listener should briefly summarize the message

that the Speaker is giving. That is the best way to communicate to the Speaker

that you understand what the Speaker is saying. Including a “feeling word” makes it clear that you

empathize with the Speaker. “It sounds like you have had a difficult day at work

today. I bet you are exhausted.” It does NOT mean that you necessarily agree with

the Speaker.

When Not to Talk about Emotions Flooding—Dr. John Gottman

Emotions are so high and intense that they make it difficult for the person to communicate appropriately and effectively.

When you become flooded, the best thing to do is to take a break and calm down. Time-out

Dealing with Pervasive Negative Emotions

“Healthy Compartmentalization” Emotions are real and must be validated, but they must sometimes be set aside

to attend to other aspects of life. Schedule times to dwell on the negative emotion Schedule times to discuss the emotions with your spouse Idea is to control when you choose to deal with the emotion.

Seek emotional support from trusted friends or family so all of the intensity doesn’t center in the marriage.

Develop “Distress Tolerance”—learn to accept one’s negative emotions and the situation that they are in. “I’m going to be OK.”

Use self-soothing skills, encourage them to find ways to relax, and pursue things that bring them enjoyment. Increase positives in their life.

Keep negative emotions in perspective in the marriage by making sure that positive interactions are taking place. Increase positives in the relationship.

Anger Anger can be defined as an emotional state that ranges

from annoyance and irritation to rage and fury. Four components:

Physiological arousal Feeling—ranging from irritation to rage Cognitive—desire to get even; negative thoughts about Behavior—expression of anger

Universality of Characteristics of Anger

Large study in 25 countries, involving over 5,000 participants found that there was much similarity in experience in anger across cultures Body sensations Nonverbal expressions Triggers/antecedents

Verbal expression of anger (screaming, yelling, confronting, swearing) different across cultures.

East Asian countries were less likely to express anger, and more likely ignore the situation and tell oneself that it really wasn’t that important

“Display rules”—culture norms about expressing emotions. So, the experience is universal, but the expression differs.

Classifications of Anger State anger—a response to a specific event Trait anger—anger-proneness; tendency to reactive in an

angry way to a negative situation; (Type A personality) There is evidence in the U.S. that women are more likely to

experience state anger, while men are more likely to experience trait anger.

Anger-In ---tendency for a person to suppress their feelings of anger

Anger-Out---tendency for a person to express their feelings of anger

Costs of Anger Research shows that frequent anger is significant risk

factor for Heart disease Headaches, particularly migraines Pain Anxiety Depression Smoking Lower marital satisfaction for the person AND the

spouse.

Anger Dysregulation Scale Person has trouble regulating the intensity of their

anger. Person has trouble regulating the frequency of their

anger. Anger is a problem in their social and occupational

life. Anger is a problem in their home life. Person does not have skills to self-soothe or regulate

anger.

Appraisal in Anger Regulation Attributions (explaining why something happened) is

an important appraisal process in the regulation of anger.

Research shows that a person will feel more anger if they blame another person for the negative event.

Anger is more intense if attributions suggest that the other person’s negative behavior was Controllable (intentional; not an accident) Internal

Anger as a Secondary Emotion Anger is a secondary emotion The primary emotions associated with anger are usually

Hurt Frustration Sense of injustice/unfairness

Anger is the smoke. It tells us that something is wrong, but it isn’t the actual fire.

Attending to the primary emotions of hurt, frustration, and unfairness will control the fire. “Chasing smoke” will not be effective. It will only make you cough and make your clothes smell bad.

These basic emotions are more vulnerable and softer emotions. You can work with these emotions to facilitate understanding and healing.

Traditional Treatments for Chronic Anger Problems

Relaxation-based Therapies (systematic desensitization; exposure therapy)

Assertiveness training Cognitive therapy Multicomponent Therapies (combination of modalities) Research shows that multicomponent therapies are most

successful. Cognitive therapy is also successful. Catharsis DOESN’T work. These therapies treat anger from an individual perspective.

How Couples Can Reduce Anger Conceptualizing anger as a secondary emotion

Tapping into the primary emotions of frustration, injustice, and hurt allows for healing.

Allows a “softer”, more vulnerable discussion that promotes healing.

Change attributions and meanings of behaviors. Using Emotion Expression Skills is helpful. Once

someone feels understood, they usually experience a reduction in anger.

Depression in Marriage Like other negative emotions, depression erodes marital

satisfaction.

Common depressive symptoms: Excessive sadness Excessive crying Lack of energy and motivation Inability to concentrate Feelings of no self-worth Excessive guilt Feelings of hopelessness Change in sleep patterns Change in appetite Suicide ideation

Causes of Depression Genetic vulnerability to depression Loss Feelings of being trapped or powerless Feelings of being overwhelmed or hopeless Marital and other relationship dissatisfaction Medications Medical illnesses

Treatment of Depression All forms of depression benefit from some form of therapy

Medication – selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) Fluoxetine (Prozac) Paroxetine (Paxil Sertraline (Zoloft) Escitalopram (Lexapro) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3Nkklz7RJ8

Psychotherapy Behavior therapy Cognitive Therapy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCZpUIEUsys Couples therapy

Electroconvulsive therapy