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Welcome to the

Stress Free Kids, Stress Free Parenting

Program

Week Seven - Helping your child with anxiety and/or depression

Understanding the mindset behind depression and anxiety

The Perception of life that causes emotions

Belief System (age 0-7 years old)

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

My picture of a right life

WORTH

Parents

Right Life

Depression

What’s the point! I have failed”

No goals to avoid pain

Anxiety“I must CONTROL & PREVENT”

Lots of goals

Line of thinking that causes stress:

1. Right vs Wrong (life)

2. I am (my kids are) missing out

3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

• Be responsible

• Be Happy

• Be safe and secure

• The pretty one

• The achiever

• The organised one

• The good girl / boy

PS Psychological Stress

Depression AnxietyAPerception of life:

“What’s the point? I have failed”

Emotions I feel: Sad, hopeless, useless,

self-loathing, isolated, couldn’t be bothered, like giving up, no

motivation, teary

Link to self-worth:Believing you have failed at life.

Life is completely worthless

Perception of life: “I must control and prevent”

Emotions I feel: Out of control, Unable to relax, panicky, fearful, irritable, angry,

irrational

Link to self-worth:Believing if you don’t control life

to go right you or life will be worth-less

D

The Brain then goes into its

EVALUATION process

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

Emotion , chemical release,

physical sensations in the body

Response 2

REACTION

What do I do?

Thinking = feeling Thinking = feeling

Experience (What do I do?)

Thinking = feeling

Reaction (What do I do?)

Experience (What do I do?)

Thinking

FeelingFeeling

Thinking

a memorised state of being.

Thinking Feeling

The cells in your body memorise this reaction over time and it becomes ‘normal’ to feel the

way you do.

Reaction: A Mood(Hrs / days)

Reaction: Temperament(weeks/ months)

Reaction = Personality trait(years)

This is who I AM

Example: The belief: I am not good enough.

Convinced by others Observation

You’re never gonnabe as good as your brother

Self-Experience

Enough EVIDENCE is obtained through the senses to support the belief:

“I’m not good enough” and this became a perceived truth about life.

Helping children to change

The mindset behind depression and anxiety

You must help your kids to find evidence of the upgrades from their life. Remember…

Kids learn via the repetition of:

Observation – they watch youSelf-Experience – they learn by doing or by experiencing what NOT to doConvinced by others – they hear what you say.

Get your life right Thinking The conflict with reality

Personal Development ThinkingThe upgrades to stressful thinking

Wrong Path

“There’s a right way for life to go and a wrong way”

Life is a journey“It’s a series of experiences.

Some wanted. Some unwanted.There is no right way for life to unfold.”

Missing Out

“I have missed out on what my life needs”

I am always receiving learning and receiving“Even though I don’t always get what

I want, I always get what I need to learn and grow”

I/They Should have known better

“I am / someone else is to blame”

I/they only know what we know (at any given moment)

“Decisions we make and actions we take can only come from priority beliefs

activated in the moment”

I am worth-less

“Mine or my life’s value has been compromised”

I am always worthy

“Being you means you are always learning and contributing to the unfolding of life”

The Brain then goes into its

EVALUATION process

Response 1:

BODILY SENSATION

Emotion , chemical release,

physical sensations in the body

Response 2

REACTION

What do I do?

Thinking = feeling Thinking = feeling

Experience (What do I do?)

Thinking = feeling

Reaction (What do I do?)

Experience (What do I do?)

Three powerful ways that retrain your brain when used TOGETHER

Change how they THINK!

Change what they SAY!

Change what they DO!

Helping children to upgrade

Depression beliefs

The Perception of life that causes emotions

Belief System (age 0-7 years old)

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

My picture of a right life

WORTH

Parents

Right Life

Depression

What’s the point! I have failed”

No goals to avoid pain

Line of thinking that causes stress:

1. Right vs Wrong (life)

2. I am (my kids are) missing out

3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

• Be responsible

• Be Happy

• Be safe and secure

• The pretty one

• The achiever

• The organised one

• The good girl / boy

Key belief behind Depression

“What’s the point. I have failed.”

Dominant lenses: Lens Two – Missing out; Lens Four – I am/my life is worth-less

Reality Based Upgrade: The purpose of goals is to experience life and to learn and grow. Goals set life in motion. My worth is not defined by what I do (or don’t do). I am worthy because I am here doing it, contributing myself to the world around me, which helps others to learn, grow and experience life.

Key objectives to teaching to children who are depressed

• Teach them the true purpose of goals – to experience life

• Help them to see the value in the journey towards getting their goals because of what skills they learn or how it has helped someone else.

• Teach them the true value of self-worth vs self-esteem

• Show them evidence of how other people have tried and not succeeded and the benefit of that (eg Winners of The voice or Idol often have good stories of success after lots of unsuccessful attempts, or how something ‘bad’ happened that led to their singing career) Everything leads to something else. Our life’s worth is not defined by any particular life path. It’s defined by our existence and the ripple effect of our learning, living and teaching.

Upgrade to Missing out lens – EVERYTHING HAS VALUE

Evidential Proof #1

How do I know what to do unless I’ve experienced what NOT to do!.

Exercise One:Think about a mistake or decision you made that caused you to experience an unwanted consequence:

• What did that mistake teach you?• Is there something that you will unlikely do again because of that mistake?• How has that mistake changed you for the better?• Were you faced with the same situation afterwards where you chose differently

because of the mistake you made last time?

‘Stressful’ thinking –Because I did ‘x’, or made this decision, I have now missed out on getting ‘y’.

Wisdom Development thinking –Mistakes are my gifts that teach me about life. They don’t make my life wrong, they benefit my life because I do things differently, learn new things and teach others as a direct result of those mistakes.

Upgrade to Missing out lens – EVERYTHING HAS VALUEEvidential Proof #2

My experiences give me event learning.

Exercise One:Think about something you are not able to do, or something that someone else is missing out on because of your perceived ‘wrong doings’? Reflect on the following questions:

• How is this situation forcing you/them to get better at something?• Is this situation giving you an opportunity to learn a new skill?• Is this situation teaching you how to do something new or do something differently?• Is this situation leading me towards learning a different skill altogether?

‘Stressful’ thinking –I’m missing out on the way it’s supposed to be or I’m missing out on what I want to do. I’m not able to do ‘x’. I’m no good at it.

Wisdom Development thinking –My life is a classroom and everything I experience teaches me something – how to do something or how to do it better. Skills are learnt because unwanted events force me to learn new things

Upgrade to Missing out lens – EVERYTHING HAS VALUEEvidential Proof #4

Discover an attitude of Gratitude

Exercise One:Look at all the things you are getting and do have:

• Make it a daily practice to write 15 things per day that you are grateful for

- 5 lessons I am grateful I am learning (that are coming from difficulties)

- 5 material items that I am grateful for

- 5 experiences I had today that I am grateful for

Stressful thinking –Look at all the things I’m not getting and don’t have….

Wisdom Development thinking –Rather than looking for evidence of what I don’t have, look at all the things you do have.

ReflectionQuestions to challenge your stressful thinking

• Where is the hidden good in the bad?

• What am I learning from this situation?

• What is this situation trying to tell me?

• Is this situation just an indication that I have something new to learn or a skill that needs practice?

• What can I be grateful for?

Revisit last week’s webinar on teaching self-esteem and self-worth to kids

SELF ESTEEM(teaching your child to feel good about themselves)

SELF WORTH(not attaching self-worth to events)

• Self-acknowledgement before you praise

(self-praise is very important for generating

self-confidence).

• Mirror love and acceptance towards everyone.

• Tell them often how much you love them.

• Positive affirmations and encouragement will

teach them to find these traits in themselves too.

• Show them examples of why they are important

to you, your family and those around them just by

being themselves.

• Acknowledge their strengths and help them

accept their weaknesses as normal.

• Encouragement during both the stages of getting

to their goal and getting their goal.

• Encourage them to try new things and let them

make decisions and have a say over their life.

• Life doesn’t always go to plan and that’s the same

for everyone.

• Help them to find the ‘hidden good in the bad’.

• Accept mistakes quickly and help them to find

the learning in them.

• Teach them to be solution focussed instead of

dwelling on what they’ve missed.

• Reinforce that goals are about experiencing life.

• Help them to recognise their wins and be grateful.

• Show them evidence that everyone is uniquely

different and why this is important (we all learn

and grow from each other).

• Show them how highs lead to lows and lows lead

to highs in theirs, yours and other people’s lives.

Helping children to upgrade

Anxiety beliefs

The Perception of life that causes emotions

Belief System (age 0-7 years old)

Family

Media

Religion

CultureExperiences

Environment

My picture of a right life

WORTH

Parents

Right Life

Anxiety“I must CONTROL & PREVENT”

Lots of goals

Line of thinking that causes stress:

1. Right vs Wrong (life)

2. I am (my kids are) missing out

3. I/they should/could have acted differently

4. Me or my life is of less value (worth-less)

• Be responsible

• Be Happy

• Be safe and secure

• The pretty one

• The achiever

• The organised one

• The good girl / boy

Key belief of Anxiety

“ I must Control or Prevent”“I’m scared I won’t be able to control or prevent”

Dominant lenses: Lens One – Right vs Wrong; Lens Three – I should have the ability to get life right.

Reality Based Upgrade: I cannot control how life unfolds. Life doesn’t have to meet my expectations for it to be valuable. There is value in everything because I’m always learning, receiving and growing.

Key objectives to helping kids with Anxiety

• Mindfulness, bring their attention back to the reality of the here/now.

• Help them to see the value in new, unwanted or unexpected experiences, whether enjoyable or not.

• Keep reinforcing that life doesn’t always go to plan and model your enthusiasm for change and the reality of life’s twists and turns. Model that life is a wonderful set of experiences and you just never know where an event (even if unwanted) will lead you. We can’t control life, but that’s a blessing.

Social AnxietyWhat will people think of me? Fear of judgement. Fear of no one liking me

Mindset Shift:

• Teach the reality of judgements – the brain judges, but it doesn’t mean anything about their self-worth. Everyone has different beliefs and values. Reality is you won’t always meet everyone’s expectation.

• It’s okay to be different. Why? Self-worth upgrades – everyone is valuable just as they are.

• Teach how to find worth and value in who you are right now.

• Strategies to deal with specific situations they are faced with at school or social environments (find out what they actually fear and role play how to handle those fears.)

• Fear often comes from not having a plan and worrying you won’t be able to handle something.

Common Anxieties

Separation AnxietyFear of what will happen if I’m not with you?

Mindset Shift:

• Mindfulness – bringing attention back to the hear now. - Bring their attention back to the reality of what is and away from what they fear might happen. Attention on the five senses – see, hear, touch, taste or smell.- The past doesn’t exist, nor does the future. All we have is now…..I mean now….(game).

• Find the joy in the new – the value, the excitement, what can happen that’s good, the learning (repetition of lens two upgrade – everything has value). Make the new an adventure and shift their attention to the excitement of the situation (bedtime, dreaming good things, having good thoughts etc).

• Gradual separation from you and celebrate these achievements. Continue to work with the mindset with each milestone (See raising children network stepladder approach)

Common Anxieties

Generalised AnxietyFear of outcome. Fear of unwanted or unpredictable

Mindset Shift:

• Mindfulness – bringing attention back to the here now. Where am I? Here. How do I know I’m here? - Bring their attention back to the reality of what is and away from what they fear might happen. Attention on the five senses – see, hear, touch, taste or smell.- The past doesn’t exist, nor does the future. All we have is now…..I mean now….(game).

• Find the joy in the new – the value, the excitement, what can happen that’s good, the learning (repetition of lens two upgrade – everything has value). Make anything new an adventure and shift their attention to the excitement of the situation (bedtime, dreaming good things, imagination, having good thoughts, things they are looking forward to etc).

• Find evidence of life’s highs and lows and the value that came for them (see over)

Common Anxieties

Anxiety over dying or other people dying

Mindset Shift:

• Mindfulness – bringing attention back to the here now. Where am I? Here. How do I know I’m here? - Bring their attention back to the reality of what is and away from what they fear might happen. Attention on the five senses – see, hear, touch, taste or smell.- The past doesn’t exist, nor does the future. All we have is now…..I mean now….(game).

• Reality is we don’t know, but focus on the health and vitality of their lives right now. Show them evidence of why they don’t have to fear death (healthy, run around, heart pumps, you breathe in and out, your body knows what it’s doing –trust it. )

• Gratitude - Find the joy in experiences now – the value, the excitement, the experience they want to have and are looking forward to.

Common Anxieties

Week Eight “A 5 step Mind TRACK to Happiness Process”

Topics covered:

• Learn our 5 step process to help you handle any situation that arises in parenting to alleviate YOUR stress

• Teach your child this same process to help them move through life’s challenges

• How you have already been learning to apply the Mind TRACK to Happiness process in this very program

• Key take-home messages from this program