8 Ways to Better Manage Your Emotionsby Dana Lefeuvre

“Temper is the one thing you can’t get rid of by losing it” – Jack Nicklaus

‘That bloody MXXXXX-XXXXXX! How ridiculous! Have you ever heard such a thing? Outrageous! What

an idiot!! I can’t believe he’s done it again! She should know by now!‘ Ever been read the riot act by

your boss or ranted and raved yourself due to repetitive mistakes caused by a co-worker?

What does it mean to “Manage Your Emotions Well”?

What are people talking about when they say ‘I need

to learn to better manage my emotions’ or even

better (or worse) ‘You need to learn to better

manage your emotions’? Although they sometimes

are referring to extreme sadness which clouds over

their mood, guilt or fear which weighs them down or

even sheer happiness which overwhelms

counterparts with too much enthusiasm; more often

than not, they are talking about controlling their anger and the expression of it.

In today’s fast-paced world of competitive workplaces and turbulent economic conditions, more and

more leaders have trouble controlling their emotions.

The reasons for uproars can be multiple. On the defense? Impatient? Taking things personally? A

perfectionist? Controlling? Lack self-confidence? Jumping to Conclusions? Overloaded or too invested

at work? Emotionally-charged situations can errupt for various reasons and many a leader are faced

with them daily.

If you have a propensity towards ill-tempered behavior, imagine what it could be like for others to

work with you. To walk on eggshells and constantly wonder, ‘is she in a good mood today or not’?

Does it create the sort of atmosphere in which people are motivated to do their best? We know that

individuals perform best when they are in a relaxed state and able to be themselves.

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Learn to rule your temper rather than letting it rule you!

There are a number of techniques which one can try to harness and rechannel negative energy. Here

are just a few:

1. Build Awareness of Triggers.

Feeling the irritability rising? Heightened awareness is the first step. Become cognisant of your

trigger points – what sets you off and how you feel before exploding. Is your heart racing? Do your

palms become sweaty? Strange feeling in your stomach? Does your respiratory rate increase? Make a

list of the types of situations that set you off and group them into 3 or 4 categories. Then ask yourself

why are these situations problematic for you? In each grouping, decide what would be a more mature

response. Rehearse the response in preparation for the next time a similar situation occurs.

2. Increase your impulse control.

Short fuse? Take a few deep breaths and count to 10 to regain composure.   Generally somewhere

between the second and third thing you think of is the right option. Practice holding back your first

response long enough to think of a second. Then wait to think of a third before you choose which

behaviour to pursue. Stress breathing gets shallow. Slowing breathing down to 8 breaths / minute

helps send oxygen to the brain and muscles, and subsequently move into a state of inner peace.

You can also use delaying tactics to buy yourself time: get a pen out of your briefcase, walk slowly to

the white board or flip chart and begin writing down a few key ideas, excuse yourself to go to the

bathroom, get a drink, etc. One of my clients would even look at pictures of his cat when he was not in

agreement with what was being said in the meeting. He said the pet amused and calmed him (this

‘solution’ is to be used with caution as it could be interpreted as disinterest and / or considered

rude).

3. Seek to Understand.

Sometimes we jump to conclusions. Calmly ask an open-ended question which will clarify matters.

Some preparation and practice may be required to develop good questions as the skill is not innate.

4. The Remedy of Writing.

Letting things build up? Writing down your thoughts daily can help reduce pressure before

exploding. Free flow-of-thought journaling is a type of purging and reflection which helps uncover

thoughts we sometimes didn’t know existed. There’s a good technique by Julia Cameron called ‘the

morning pages’ which is described in her book, Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. No

matter what time of day it is practiced, the technique works well for me.

5. Positive Self Reflection.

Sometimes we are more angry with ourselves than anything else. Look at yourself in the mirror and

tell yourself all the good things about yourself for 3 minutes (set the timer!). By the law of attraction,

being happy with ourselves allows us to be at peace with others. Deciding how you will begin your

day can make all the difference. Some people keep a daily success tracking chart in excel. Try to list 3

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per day. You have done a lot of things right – give yourself credit!

6. Integrate daily exercise and develop other aspects.

Too much invested at work? Find another outlet for your energy. For some this means intense sport

like cross-fit, running, biking or yoga at least 3 times a week. For others, it can mean walking to work

rather than taking the subway – or at least parking their car further away from the intended

destination. Get those recommended 10,000 steps in per day! You can also focus more on other

aspects of your life like joining a local association, volunteer for a worthy cause, learn a new art form,

spend more time with family, take vacation, or pick up a new hobby (painting, salsa, bridge –

whatever resonates with you!).

7. STOP drinking coffee.

Too much caffeine? Take inventory of the types of beverages you are consuming. Make a goal to drink

less of those which have a tendency to affect you negatively.

8. Uncover your ‘Secret Selves’.

Most of us have hidden parts of ourselves which can get triggered when things are not going our way,

take over and negatively affect communications. Detriggering that irritable side through a proven

process with a certified coach can help. On the flip side, you can also unfold a positive aspect of

yourself which people rarely see and you would like to bring more into relationships. This remedy

will most likely require partnering with a relationship systems coach. She will help you de-trigger

that testy side so it takes over less and unfold the positive side which can help influence

communications more positively.

Depending on the situation, one of the above remedies may be more appropriate than another. You

may want to test a few and choose the one(s) which most closely resonate(s) with your preferred

mode of operation. Please feel free to adapt them to your own unique situation and share the

solutions which have worked best for you.

Related Readings

Bradberry & Greaves. Emotional Intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart, 2009.

Fridjhon & Fuller. Organization & Relationship Systems Coaching. CRR Global, 2014.

Lombardo & Eichenger. For Your Improvement, Korn Ferry, 2009.

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