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E S S E N C E 189 2 . 2 0 0 7

ne of my coaching clients, LaKecia Harris, came to me with a problem that so many women,including myself, have struggled with: the feeling that we aren’t deserving of the bless-

ings that others receive. She longed for a home of her own, but persistent doubts con-vinced her of the idea that home ownership was for other people, not her. “I had to over-come not feeling worthy,” says Harris, 35, who works as a college administrator inMontgomery, Alabama. Her self-doubts also dashed her hopes for getting a higher-

paying job, moving closer to her extended family, and creating exactly the kind of life shehad always wanted. I could certainly relate.

Before I began writing books and speaking, I would study authors and speakers who were doing what I wantedto do. Their lives seemed magical, as if they had secrets that I didn’t have access to. Of course, that wasn’t true. Whatthey had was confidence in their ability to live their dreams. They refused to give up. I began asking myself,Valorie, Why not you? Just begin doing it.

I asked LaKecia the same question: “Why not you?” and encouraged her to get started. Fear had been para-lyzing her—fear that she wouldn’t be approved for a mortgage, that she didn’t have enough money, and thatshe would be disappointed if her expectations were too high. Don’t get your hopes up was a familiar messagethat echoed from her childhood. For one thing, growing up with a single mom who worked hard to makeends meet, LaKecia didn’t have a role model for prosperity. And though her mother was supportive of herdreams, not all adults in her family had been. She remembers boldly announcing, as a third-grader, that oneday she was going to attend college. Another relative was quick to “correct” her. “No, you’re not,” the personsaid. LaKecia, who, with her mother’s encouragement, went on to earn a master’s degree, says she still battlesdoubts to this day. “I had stopped dreaming,” says LaKecia. “I finally had to see that I deserve blessings, too. Ineeded to step up and play a bigger game.”

Many of us have dreams that seem unrealistic or out of reach. Perhaps it’s a professional goal, or maybe itrelates to weight loss, home ownership, financial security or a loving relationship. Self-doubt may be causingyou to remain quiet when you really want to speak up. You’re afraid to fully be yourself. You’re afraid to pursuewhat you really want. You’re afraid you might fail or be rejected. And these internal fears can be paralyzing.

Even those of us who have confidence in one area of our lives can find it difficult to muster courage in

TAKE A LEAP OF

FAITH

>

OIf success seems out of reach, face the fear and go for it anyway.

Life coach VALORIE BURTON tells you how to find confidence

At the end of that first year, Kym packed her bags and leftGeorgetown for good. “Even though I was embarrassed, Ifelt a weight lift from my shoulders,” she says of her decision.Reclaiming your confidence demands that you make small,meaningful changes one day at a time. Kym’s decision toleave was the first step. “I believed God wanted me to behappy,” she says. “I had to step out on faith.” She leaned onher church family for support.

Breaking into her field of choice would require additionalsteps: sharing her dream with people who could help and be-ing willing to play any position that would get her into thegame. She began by doing makeup for her church’s copastor,the well-known minister Susie C. Owens. Then Pastor Owensasked her to create a gift basket for Serita Jakes (wife of BishopT.D. Jakes). “Mrs. Jakes loved the cosmetics I picked out,” Kymremembers. “That gave me so much confidence.” The retailmanager who sold her the products also noticed Kym’s eye forstyle and offered her a job at the store’s M.A.C counter on thespot. Then a family friend introduced her to makeup artist

Derrick Rutledge, who regularly worked at Black Entertain-ment Television. As Rutledge’s career took off, Kym began fill-ing in for him at BET. She excelled, despite being self-taught,with the support of her mentors.

Within 18 months, Kym built a successful business, OuterSkinz, as a makeup artist working for high-profile womensuch as Venus and Serena Williams, Angie Stone, ChantéMoore and several African-American congresswomen. Shealso gives everyday women a boost of confidence with herDiva Next Door makeup workshops. Her fears about givingup a prestigious career to do what she loves turned out to beunfounded. Along with her business partner, she also operatesInner Skinz, a nonprofit that helps women gain the assur-ance to bounce back after a setback. “You’ve got to knowwhat you’re called to do and know that God has your back,”Kym Lee now advises others. Colleen Hawthorne, M.D., amental health physician in Washington, D.C., agrees thatspirituality can be a potent part of a confident sister’s for-mula for success: “A wealth of research is bearing out the factthat there are mental health benefits to faith.”

another. That’s because confidence can be situational. Wecan be assertive at work but feel voiceless in our intimate re-lationships. Or maybe we’re unstoppable when it comes toraising money for our church committee but insecure whenit’s time to ask for a raise. Like LaKecia, most of us come face-to-face with our fears when it’s time to step off a familiarpath and onto a new one. In fact, the more we want some-thing, the more paralyzed we tend to feel. But it doesn’t haveto be that way. The secret to finding the courage to live thelife we want lies in identifying which of the top ten confidencestealers (see sidebar on page 192) is robbing us of our beliefin ourselves. Only then can we snatch back our dreams andlive the bold life we’ve always imagined for ourselves.

FACING A CONFIDENCE CRISISKym Lee had always seen a law degree from GeorgetownUniversity as the gateway to the good life, and she was de-termined to make it happen. She took the LSATs three timesto boost her score, landed impressive recommendations, and

even took a job at the law school to help her get accepted.Her persistence paid off. But a few weeks into the program shefound herself hiding style magazines between the pages of herlaw books and daydreaming about a career in the beauty in-dustry. She spent her Christmas break working in a salon do-ing assorted shopkeeping tasks and makeup. When a customerwho came in for a makeover burst into tears of happiness ather transformation, Kym knew she’d found her calling. But shedidn’t want to face what others would say if she left her high-status career path. Kym, who had always been considered anachiever and who was lovingly regarded by family membersas a diva, struggled with doubts, wondering, Will people thinkless of me? Can I really make money doing what I love? Does it makesense to leave a sure thing for an uncertain future?

Fear of what others might think is one of the most commonconfidence stealers. Kym’s unhappiness drove her to face it.“I was always an upbeat person, and now I just wasn’t my-self,” she remembers. Though she felt free and happy in thesalon, walking onto the campus made her feel as if she werein bondage. “I couldn’t do law for another 30 years,” she says.

ost of us come face-

to-face withour fears

when it’s time to step

off a familiar path and onto a

new one. In fact, the more we

want something, the more par-

alyzed we tend to feel.”

M

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MAKING BOLD MOVESTerri Bridges* had her dream wedding to a handsome Ma-rine Corps officer. As they left the chapel that day under atunnel of crossed swords formed by servicemen in dressblues, she anticipated a life of safety, security and joy. Butthe fairy tale lasted just a few months before the nightmareof physical abuse began. The first incident happened aftershe questioned her husband about a woman calling thehouse. His infidelity further shattered her self-esteem. “Everytime my husband got mad, I would curl up in a ball and waitout the storm,” says Terri, who became pregnant soon afterthey married. “I never stood up to him. I think I had just re-signed myself to the fact that he’s going to hurt me. Don’tmake it worse. Don’t fight back.”

For years she hid the abuse behind her outer success. “Atwork I had a lot of confidence, though in my personal lifeI didn’t,” Terri, now 38, reflects. “I started at the pharma-ceutical company as a secretary and quickly climbed theladder,” says the human resources manager. Without a degree,

she worked hard to earn an impressive income and to buyan equally impressive 4,600-square-foot home with her hus-band in Nashville.

Terri’s confidence stealer? She was avoiding the truth. Sheheld the misguided belief that she had no choice but to en-dure her husband’s physical abuse in order to live up to hervows as a Christian wife. The idea of leaving her husbandconflicted with her interpretation of the Scripture that callsfor wives to submit to their husbands. She sought Christ-ian counseling and told the counselor of her husband’sabuse and affairs. When the counselor asked her why shewas still with him, Terri responded defiantly, “He’s my hus-band.” The counselor’s suggestion that she leave angeredher. “I was submissive to a fault,” she says now. Looking back,she can see that the people-pleasing pattern didn’t begin inmarriage but in childhood, when she learned not to upsetanyone or make waves. Although she says there was no phys-ical abuse, adults around her argued a lot and sometimesthrew things. “When you live with conflict, you just try toavoid it,” she says. Barely out of childhood when she mar-

ried at 20, Terri carried that copingpattern with her.

But ultimately, she came to realizeits cost. In January 2004, despite herdesire to keep up appearances andsave her marriage, Terri admitted toherself that there was little of her mar-riage left to save. She had to prepareher daughter for the possibility that herhusband might walk out. The two satdown for soft drinks at Starbucks, andshe chose her words carefully, trying toput things in terms a 12-year-old couldunderstand. But it turned out the “rev-elation” was less of a shock than shethought it would be, because her littlegirl hadn’t been blinded by the sameissues. “Mom,” she interrupted, “ifyou can’t be in a relationship that isspiritually, physically and emotionallyhealthy, you shouldn’t be in it.”

“Those simple words changed mylife,” Terri says. Despite counselingand her best efforts to analyze therelationship, she just didn’t get it be-fore. Her daughter’s words flipped onthe light switch. “Many people areafraid to address the issues head-on,”explains Hawthorne. “But we alwaysmake things better by looking at whatis going on.”

After 15 years of marriage, Terri toldher husband it was over. “I didn’t wantto tick him off,” she admits, “so I said,‘Let’s just be friends.’ I packed hisboxes and gave him a household’sworth of furniture, dishes and televi-sions.” Terri also wanted to make surefinances didn’t get in the way of his >

Gut CheckTest Your Confidence Level NowAre you ready to let go of whatever is holding you back, claim your blessings,and achieve your goals? Valorie Burton has adapted this self-test from hernext book Why Not You? 28 Days to Build Authentic Confidence (WaterBrookPress), which will be released in March. To gauge how solid your confidenceis right now, check which of these statements are true for you.

[ I can walk into a room full of strangers, introduce myself, and feel comfortable.

[ I can successfully make a presentation in front of a group of people.

[ Fear does not stop me from asking for what I want.

[ Fear of what others think does not keep me from doing what’s right for me.

[ If I purchase something that proves faulty, I can return it to a store that has an unfriendly refund policy and ask for—and receive—a refund.

[ I don’t have to chase after success. I work hard and live my purpose, and theright opportunities, people and resources find their way to my path.

[ I trust myself to finish what I start.

[ If I make a mistake, I never try to cover it up or make excuses so that I can look good. I am comfortable with being imperfect.

[ I haven’t settled for less than what I really want in my life.

[ I do not maintain relationships with people who disrespect, dishonor or abuseme in any way.

[ I am financially confident and have proved myself to be a good steward of money.

[ In public I feel confident about how I look. I do not size up other women and compare my looks, clothes, jewelry, job or possessions with theirs.

If you disagree with more than half of these statements, it’s time for a complete confidence makeover. Be honest with yourself about your struggle, and take stepsfrom the Mental Makeover (see sidebar on next page) to get started.

If you agree with every (or almost every) statement, you are an authentically confi-dent woman—pass it on! Think of someone—perhaps a young person in your life—youcan encourage and for whom you can serve as a confidence role model.

In areas where youlack confidence,your past oftenholds clues. It couldbe a previousfailure, lack ofencouragementwhile growing up,or a negativeexperience that

has affected your self-esteem. See which ofthese internal doubts seem most familiar toyou, and follow these steps to create your ownconfidence makeover.

MENTALMAKEOVER:

THETOPConfidenceStealers

10

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Valorie Burton is a life coach and public speaker who lives inMaryland. Her weekly newsletter, Rich Minds, Rich Rewards, isavailable at valorieburton.com.

moving out. Since her salary had climbed to three times his,she could afford to write him a check. “I figured $2,000 wouldbe the first and second month’s rent,” she says. “And my friendshelped him move. I wanted to make this smooth and easy. Iwanted a clean break.” Her divorce became final in April 2004.

Starting over, Terri learned that she needed to practice newhabits that would give her confidence to live fully and freely. Shehas taken self-defense classes with her daughter, listened toself-improvement CDs, and learned to set boundaries, all ofwhich have empowered her to shift from a victim mentality.“Now I find myself excited about opportunities to stand upand hold my boundaries,” reflects Terri. At a friend’s wed-ding reception recently, she agreed to be the hostess whowould tell people that if they had not mailed back their RSVPcards, they could not come to the reception. People were up-set, she says. But she remained calm. More recently, she’sshared her experience with others as a motivational speaker.She encourages women to do something that takes them out-side their comfort zone as a way to build self-esteem.

LIVINGTHE DREAM LaKecia Harris, who aspired to buy a home, finally got seriousabout her family’s finances. Once she created a budget, sherealized that they had money to work with. She’d thought itwould take years to amass a down payment, but as her savingsbegan to grow, she saw it could happen much sooner. “I be-gan to believe in myself,” she says. In just nine months, LaKe-cia made a mental shift that gave her the confidence to change

her whole life. She updated her résumé and landed a higher-paying job in Montgomery, Alabama, where her extended fam-ily lives. Last spring she and her husband bought their dreamhouse there. “I never thought I could have a house like wehave,” she admits. “But now we’re home owners! The biggestlesson I learned is that if you have a dream and you work to-ward it, it can become reality.” [

*Name and identifying details have been changed.

never thought I could have

a house like we have,”

LaKecia admits. “But now

we’re home owners! The biggest

lesson I learned is that if you

have a dream and you work

toward it, it can become reality.”

I

1 I feel clueless. Makeover move: Get the facts. If you don’tknow what steps to take, then it’s time to do some research. Whetherit’s a mentor, a book or hands-on experience, get what it takes to learn.

2 Nobody believes I can do it. Maybe they’re right.Makeover move: Lose the boos and build a fan base. Limit your timewith negative people. Ask supportive friends for encouragement.

3 I don’t have much of a track record. Who will believein me? Makeover move: Don’t dwell on past mistakes or a lack ofexperience. View failures as lessons. Strengthen your track record bywriting down what hasn’t worked before, then making a consciouschoice to change your approach.

4 I’m scared. Makeover move: Face your fears. What are youafraid might happen? Write down your answer in a journal. Then realizeyou have what it takes to face it, and take a step forward.

5 But people will think I’m not (smart, successful, lov-able, modest, devout. . . ) enough. Makeover move: Don’tconcern yourself with what others think. Follow your intuition and makechoices you know in your spirit are right for you.

6 How can I succeed? I don’t even know anybody whodoes that. . . . Makeover move: Find a role model. Start bysharing your goal with everyone you do know, and ask which oftheir contacts might be willing to help you.

7 I need to make some changes, but every time I try tobring this up with my (boss, lover, roommate, mother-in-law and so on) I get tongue-tied. Makeover move: Write ascript and rehearse it. Use “I” language that stresses what you want,how you feel, what’s important to you—not what the other person didor didn’t do. Practice with a supportive friend or in the mirror, thenchoose a calm and neutral time and place to have the conversation.

8 Why try? I don’t have what it takes. Makeover move: Ex-pect doubt to show up, but don’t invite it in. To counter insecurity, createan affirmation such as, “Everything I need is already within me.”

9 This is just too big to take on right now. Makeovermove: Break it down into itty, bitty pieces, then start with a smallaction—today. Thinking about going back to school? Order the coursecatalog. Want to clean up your credit? Call for a credit report.

10 What if I fail? Makeover move: Remember your past suc-cesses. Make a list of your three most meaningful accomplishments,then pinpoint the character trait that helped you succeed. Tap into thatsame strength. And remember, authentic confidence is ultimately abouttrusting the divine orchestration of your life. What you offer to this worldis valuable, meaningful and unique—of that you can be confident.

LEAP OF FAITH