When Reality Sets In: How to Deal with Your First Fight

Newlyweds Experiencing First Fight

It happened...... you have a look of devastation and disbelief all over your face. You just had your first disagreement as husband and wife. You knew it was coming, but perhaps you thought it would be years down the road when you had the infamous "first fight." And now that it's done, you're in a state of shock, confusion, or panic because it didn't go down like you imagined at all. What's next?

Having your first fight as newlyweds can throw you for a loop, however, there is no need to become hysterical. You were living a romanticized dream and now reality sets in. Fighting with your mate doesn’t mean you married the wrong person. Every couple in a good marriage will fight many times during the life of your union. Research has shown that arguing does not break a relationship apart, it’s how you both handle your arguments that will determine the success of your relationship.

The benefit of conflict is that it helps you to understand what your partner cares and feels strongly about. It allows you the opportunity to learn to feel safe with your partner after you express dissenting views, perspectives and see that you're still standing strong at the end. And it gives you the chance to talk about what's really going on in your relationship - and what you each need - when times get tough (and they will if they haven't yet.)

The challenge of conflict - if you don't know how to do it correctly is that it can be a real struggle in marriage. It can start to make you feel like not coming home, being critical, or keeping things from your spouse. You’ll begin to wonder if you married the wrong person.

Learning how to "fight fair" is essential to the stability, security, and satisfaction level in your marriage.

9 First Fight Resolutions

Conflict Is Normal

First, understand that conflict is a part of every authentic relationship. Studies have shown that the happiest of couples have the same amount of conflict as couples that report being very unhappy! No two people are the same, and it's probably a fact that some of your differences actually drew you together. See your differences as complementary and not as a threat! The goal in arguing is to learn how to manage your conflict in a way that does your relationship good instead of harm.

Welcome Each Viewpoint

Second, learn that you both will have different views and feelings and be open to each other’s perspective. This includes claiming what you believe without making your partner feel ashamed, guilty, or "less than" for what they believe. Opposing views can co-exist as long as you know how to negotiate an outcome that is good for both of you.

Married couple discussing opposing views during a first fight

Source: Shutterstock photo ID: 1174540372

Learn the Art of Compromise

Third, understand that "compromise" is not a dirty word. Nor does it always mean just giving in or letting your spouse have what they want. To compromise with your mate means to “meet on middle ground”, “to come to terms that both of you agree with” or “to meet each other half-way.” You’ll be glad to know that the art of compromise can be easily learned with a little help.

Are you struggling to compromise with your mate? Learn how!

Check out my prior post on 5 Ways to Compromise In Marriage.

Always Use Positive Communication and Avoid Controlling Behavior

If this is your first fight or one of many, do what you can to avoid "The Four Horsemen" described by relationship researcher John Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Your partner should feel as if you're on the same team at all times. The adage "It's not what you say but how you say it" is relevant here.

Learn to Apologize and Ask for Forgiveness

Whether this is your first fight or 100th, it’s important to learn how to apologize AND ask for forgiveness from your partner. Saying "I'm sorry" is great, but this is completely up to you and you don't even need to wait for your partner's response to move on.

When saying, "please forgive me" another thing happens altogether because you're putting the response squarely on your mate and making yourself vulnerable to their response. "I'm sorry" also addresses the past. "Please forgive me" carries a note of promise that you won't repeat the same behavior again (or at least make genuine efforts to address it.)

Stay One Step Ahead in Arguments

Prepare for your next argument. You can't control your partner's responses and reactions, so focus on creating a vision for how you want to behave and a plan for how you’ll make that happen next time.

Need some help preparing for your next fight?

Check out 25 Ways To Fight Fair

Take A First Fight Break

Feel free to ask for a time out when disagreeing. People usually fall into two categories: those who want to finish everything that's started and those who need time to process their thoughts and emotions (or yours) during an argument. If you're the one who needs a break, feel free to ask for it but tell your spouse when you'll return to the conversation. If you're the one who pursues resolution more aggressively, respect your partner's request for such a break and be calm when they re-engage.

Second-Level Solutions

Get Guidance from Happily Married Family and Friends

Ask successfully married friends and family how they deal with conflict. Conflict is normal with all married couples; I bet your friends and family are not immune to a first fight and probably had many disagreements with their mates. They have been where you are, will have helpful things to share and will be able to tell you how it made them feel. They will be glad to share how they were able to overcome the many quarrels with their

spouses, giving you plenty of insight on how to move forward and handle challenges in your marriage.

Married Couple Having Dinner and Getting Advice from Another Married Couple

Source: Canva

Get Third Party Professional Advice

Get help - - not just for yourself but for yourselves as a couple. You're in this together as a team and both of you want a positive outcome. When your cooking oven breaks down making it too complex to fix yourself, who do you call to solve it? You would call a professional who specializes in correcting oven problems. Your marriage is no different. There’re many professionals who provide exceptional coaching to other married couples including; Marriage Coaches, Marriage Therapists, Ministers and other Marriage Counseling Experts who have a background on solving the first fight of many in marriages.

Summary

Disagreeing with your mate can be frightful, unpleasant and leave you in a state of uncertainty. Rest assured, there is no need to be alarmed. Arguing with your partner is normal and can even enlighten you on your spouse’s needs. Remember to always stay respectful, use the points mentioned above and you’ll see a positive outcome with your quarrels.

Still need help with your arguments? We’re standing by to victoriously navigate you through these challenges and more. Don’t wait until it’s too late, call now at 888-616-6656.