The ABC’s of Connecting The ABC’s of Connecting With the Child of DivorceWith the Child of Divorce

By By Linda Ranson JacobsLinda Ranson Jacobs

Introduction

Like a speeding bullet, divorce took aim at the families of America

True or False Test

If a statement is true, stand up.

If you think the statement is false, stay seated

Answers

• Over a million children a year experience divorce

• Nationally 33% of children live in SPF• 27% of single parents live in poverty• 40% of single moms - least 40 yrs of age

• 5% of spf attend church (child continues to try & attend)

To say “Hello” to one parent

Means

I have to say, “Goodbye” to the other parent

Again and again for years

Thought provoking questions

The Alex Story

• A - They need your Attention

• B - Understand their Brains

• C - They need Connections

“They are just

acting like that

to get attention!!!!!!!”

Hardwired to connect

Why are we having so many out of control children?

Developed the Commission on Children At Risk

• Research report co-sponsored by YMCA of the USA, Dartmouth Medical School, and the Institute for American Values.

• Prepared by the Commission for Children at Risk, a panel of 33 leading children’s doctors, neuroscientists, research scholars, and youth service professionals.

The cause of this crisis of is….

A lack of Connectedness

– close connections to other people

– deep connections to moral and spiritual meaning

Divorce brings changes

• Loss of family & two parents

• Loss of people

• Loss of sense of well-being

• Lifestyle change

• Loss of church / religious beliefs

• Loss of home life

Elizabeth Marquardt research

• Worry about their stuff

• Wonder about religion

• Become “chameleons”

• Vigilant about parental moods

• Subsequent remarriage &/or significant others

Where does the child belong

“One Child, Two Homes”From

Thriving Family Magazine Focus on the Family

Short-term legacy• Intense stress

• Overwhelming emotions

• Constant fear about safety

• Difficulty completing task

• Academic problems

Understanding the legacy

• Fear about safety

• Behavior problems

• Regression to younger habits

• Total confusion

Long-term legacy

• Anxiety• Lower psychological well-geing• Depression / suicide• Delinquency in teen years• Addictive behaviors• Poverty• Pulling away from God as adults

B-Understanding their brains

Brain Stem

Limbic

Cortex

Brain stem - fight, flight or freeze

Limbic - about feelings

Explaining emotions

Unconscious part of the brain

What if you had the capacity

to pour in

God’s Word

Cortex - think logically, make choices, etc.

Activate mirror neurons

• Kids mimic your expressions

• “Mirror neurons show you what it’s like to experience what others do” (Bruce Perry, Born for Love)

• Mirror neurons at work - “Have a good day.”

C - Connections

• Relationship is of utmost importance

• Get to know each child

Learn last names - all last names

Communicate regularly

• Josh’s story

Rituals

• Rituals are points of connections

• Why rituals need to be replaced

• Rituals are not routines

• What messages do unhealthy rituals send

Reach out through rituals

• Greeting

• Good-Bye

• Birthdays

The Chad Story

Other ways to connect

• Model spiritual mannerisms

• Provide curriculum for the child of divorce

• Strengthen marriages

• Educate church leaders / volunteers about the child of divorce

What adult children of divorce tell us

• Have trust issues

• Have faith issues

• Perception of Bible stories are skewed

The wounded need a hospital/church

• Wounds need healing from

the inside out

• We put a cast on the arm when

the heart is broken

Pastoral Helps

Pray for the children’s comfort

Teach your church to pray

Teach your members to mentor

Bible lessons of relevance

are needed

• Can’t understand Heavenly Father concept

• Don’t sugar coat Bible lessons - tell the true story of dysfunctional families

Solution strategies

• Christ - centered curriculums

• Moment by moment crisis

•Long-term commitment

Hardwired study

• Uses lay leadership

• Is multi-generational

• Allows for dignity

The New Testament Church

is what the child of divorce needs in today’s world

If it takes a village to raise a child then that village for the child of divorce is the

church.

“Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like

showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.”

Deuteronomy 32:2 (NIV)