@TheSimpsonAcorn

/The Acorn- Simpcon College

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THE ACORN SimpsonAcorn.com

Acorn Declares War

The unanimous Declaration of War issued from the United Acorn Republic,

When in the Course of journalistic events, it becomes necessary for one News Source to dissolve the bands of “peace” which

have connected it with another, hostile News Source, and to assume among the powers of the campus the separate and equal

station to which the Laws of Simpson College and of Simpson’s esteemed and immaculately bowtied President Simmons

entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Studentkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to

a state of war. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Student News Sources are created equal, and that they are en-

dowed by Student Government Association with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit

of Satirical Success. Whenever any single news source (The Simpsonian) becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of

the People (of the United Acorn Republic) to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new era of News Reporting. Prudence,

indeed, will dictate that News Sources long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; accordingly, Stu-

dentkind is more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right itself by abolishing the News to which it is accus-

tomed. But when a long train of dull stories and half-hearted reporting reduces them to absolute Boredom, it is their right,

it is their duty, to throw off such a News Source and establish another. The history of the Simpsonian is a history of repeated

offenses and usurpations of journalistic license, whose object is the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over Simpson stu-

dents. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid campus:

•It has refused its assent to quality news reporting, the most wholesome and necessary for the good of Simpson students

•It has made aforementioned students dependent on its news material alone

•It has made Multimedia Journalism majors dependent on its existence for the acquisition of reporting experience

•It has erected a multitude of News Offices and sent hither swarms of reporters to harass the student population and eat

up their free time

•It has imposed news stories on students without their consent

•It has refused to distribute Satirical News by opting to report “real news” only

•It has suspended the creation of our own independent News Sources, and declared themselves invested with power to

report news for us in all cases whatsoever

•It has plundered our lives, ravaged our brains, littered our campus with its despised product, and thus provoked the ire

of our local squirrel brethren

After petitioning for redress in the most humble terms, the Simpsonian has answered only by inflicting repeated injuries.

They too have been deaf to our voice of justice and reconciliation. We must, therefore, denouce them and hold them as

Enemies in War.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Acorn Republic do, in the Name and by the Authority of the good Stu-

dents and Squirrels of Simpson, solemnly declare War on the Simpsonian.

At Simpson April, 27, 2016

Lionel Robertson

Stevie Frank

Jay Simmons Ben Dover

Mac Ziller

John Cena

Paul RandalsonMimi Moscato

Wolly Wonk

Phillip McCracken

NicknameHermon

Barrack Obama Stormy Da Squirrel

Join the movement. Sign Here!

“Simpson Will Build a Wall and Central Will Pay for It”

Performing Arts Theme House Completes Tour de SimpsonSIMPSON - As of this past weekend, Simpson’s Performing Arts House have become the reigning champions of Simpson’s most storied intramural competition: the Tour de Simpson.

To win this illustrious competition and the coveted t-shirts that go with it, teams must drink in every building on campus in one night… and we’re not talking about drinking water. Many students attempt the Tour each year but few can make it through the entire campus. And even fewer still can do it in a group all in one night.

Virginia Atwell, a junior and member of the PA House, said the group was inspired to compete because of the negative stereotypes associated with artists and sporting events.

— POLICE BEAT —Below is a copy of the Indianola Police Department’s log of various crimes, misdemeanors, and reported suspicious activity.

Monday, April 18:8:03 a.m. — Two officers were called to Kresge to apprehend a first-year student who had refused to pay their May Term lodging fee.

Tuesday, April 19:11:34 p.m. — Police investigated the premise of President Simmon’s home. Simmons reported an intimidating gaggle of squirrels ad invaded his house and made off with several of his colorful bowties. No arrests have yet been made.

Wednesday, April 20:4:55 p.m. — A crowd of Central College students were seen loitering next to Kent Campus Center. Police arrived at the scene and scattered the unsavory lot before they had time to permanently infect the area with their Dutchness.

Thursday, April 21:9:00 a.m. — A sophomore staying in Picken Hall called police after discovering one of the Central students hidden in the basement. The Dutch student begged to stay, saying it was nicer there than in Pella. The police officers agreed and gave the student a week to transfer or face criminal charges.

Friday, April 22:5:45 p.m. — Police were called to the student plaza next to Merry Berry, where three Simpson students were attempting to tear down the rusty maple statue out of boredom. The officers, no fans of the statue themselves, lent their assistance, but without success.

(UPDATE) — On the night of Sunday, April 24, the Indianola Police Department was broken into and a log of criminal activity for the week of March 18 through 22 was stolen.

SIMPSON— The Dutch have struck again! Central students have been caught visiting Simpson College without proper documentation. With Simpson being a private school, individuals must register to be on campus. To keep Central students who are not transfers from coming to Simpson, President Simmons has proposed a wall along the Simpson/ Central border. “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our western border, and I will make Central pay for that wall. Mark my words” Simmons said. Simmons’ plans, under the “Make Simpson Great Again” initiative, will include a 40-mile long wall between Simpson and Central College. However, Simmons’ plan has been met with some resistance by detractors on both sides of the proposed wall. Central’s President, Mark Putnam, shockingly exclaimed, “I’m not going to pay for that f***ing wall!” Also opposed to Simmons’ idea is Simpson’s

political science professor Kedron Bardwell. “If you’re going to find a solution to the Simpson/Central border dispute, it needs to be through diplomatic negotiation instead of nonsensical and impractical rhetoric.” explained an exasperated Bardwell. When asked by a Simpson student who transferred from Central why he doesn’t like Central students, President Simmons replied, “When Central sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing windows. They’re bringing pastries. They’re Dutch… And some, I assume, are good people” Simmons said.

Despite the controversy, plans to construct the $8-10 million wall are already underway. “A college without borders is not a college,” Simmons said. “Central will pay for a wall because I say so.” In case Central doesn’t abide by Simmons’ demands, it is proposed money from the Simpson Fund will go towards the wall under the Fence Those Dummies (FTD) Act. “We don’t win any more. Simpson needs more wins,” said Simmons.

FTD for the win!

By Nick Hermon

“We’re often derided as being completely inept physically... which is true,” explained Atwell. “But this was one competition that we knew we could win.”

The dedicated group of students spent the entire year training for the Tour de Simpson, partying harder than they ever had before to prepare their livers for the immense task at hand. These students were so dedicated to changing the misconception that artists can’t win sporting competitions that even when their parties annoyed neighboring theme houses, they persevered.

According to one house member, such antagonism only inspired them to further acts of drunkenness.

Besides house parties, PA House members also frequented Indianola’s finest dining establishment, La Casa, each Monday to prepare for their attempt at the Tour. The La Casa wait staff mentors many students each year before the annual Tour de Simpson. With a 2-for-1 deal on margaritas and copious rounds of questionable shots each Monday, they’ve created many legends that can’t be remembered at Simpson College.

Preparing for the Tour was transformative for several of the PA House members.

“There was a time where one Straw-ber-Rita would finish me for the night,” recalled Caitlin Featherstone-Priester (F-P), a senior theatre arts student. “But because of our intense training schedule, I can put away 19 ½ of them and be ready to take shots for the rest of the night!”

Immediately after answering the first question F-P fell asleep and only responded to further questions with slurred, incomprehensible phrases.

One of the main stumbling blocks for would-be Tour finalists is flagging motivation by the time they reach the final stretch of buildings. However, Bill Hitt, a senior public relations major and captain of the PA House squad, had a secret weapon to combat this creeping apathy.

As the group rounded the last segment of campus, Bill activated his secret weapon to motivate the group to unseen levels of Simpson Success: Mimi Moscato. Moscato took second place in the 2016 Simpson Drag Show and if she knows anything,

it’s how to please a crowd. With a full performance in front of the Carver Science Center, Mimi inspired the group to power through the last of their poorly mixed drinks concealed in tacky water bottles.

“Since the goal was to show that theatre and music people can do sports,” slurred Haley Stamats, a Simpson junior, “it was only fitting that Mimi Moscato’s performance pushed us through.”

The win for the PA House was inspiring to many non athletic members of the Simpson community.

“If those clowns can do something sporty, there’s hope for the rest of us” said Mike Litoris, a junior political science major and member of the Model United Nations team.

Litoris then announced his plans to complete the Red Light version of the Tour de Simpson: having sexual intercourse in every building in one night.

Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” was heard blaring from his headphones as he left the interview.

By Molly Monk

Page 2 April 2016 April 2016 Page 3

Dear Advice-Giver,

I see all these squirrels on campus and they really make me miss my pets at home. I’ve been thinking about trying to catch one. Do you have any tips on trying to catch a squirrel?

Sincerely,Can’t Get An Emotional Support Pet

Dear Can’t Get An Emotional Support Pet,

I think we have all been in a similar place before, there is nothing to be ashamed of. What I have learned from my own personal squirrel hunting experience is that squirrels LOVE tea! Don’t ask me why, I have no idea. Maybe it’s the leafy taste. Your best chance of catching a squirrel is to throw a tea party.

Try and choose a location that is highly populated by squirrels, bring a table, a couple of friends, dress up as princesses, and serve some tea! The princess dresses are necessary so that the squirrels believe that you really are having a tea party. If you want to go above and beyond, make sure you have tiny finger sandwiches.

Good luck and happy hunting!

Sincerely,Advice-Giver

Dear Advice-Giver,Since we’ve gotten back from Spring Break, I’ve noticed that my roommate hasn’t been showering as frequently as he should be. I’m getting really worried about him and his smell is getting on my nerves. How do I tell him that he needs to shower more?

Sincerely,Running Out of Clothespins

Dear Running Out of Clothespins,This is a tough one. My first instinct is to make him a cake and on top write something like, “You Should Shower More.” But that may not be the right way to go about it.

My only other advice would be to invite him to shower with you. Maybe tell him that you’re going to go shower and suggest he comes along as well. If he says no,

do not be discouraged. Not everyone would say yes the first time. Be persistent, but not pushy.

Sincerely,Advice-Giver

Dear Advice-Giver,I am having a little trouble in the dating department, should I get a Tinder?

Sincerely,Great Personality

Dear Great Personality,Absolutely. Tinder is all about taking time to get to know someone and really developing a connection. People tend to make really rational decisions when deciding who is eligible and hardly ever look at all the pictures posted on their profile. I think this is a good move for you. I wish you the best of luck!

Sincerely,Advice-Giver

Page 4 April 2016 April 2016 Page 5

Review of High School Musical: Football EditionDisney’s newest sequal proves that they should have stopped after the first HSM

Where you come with questions too stupid to ask anyone else

Where the fallen are honored

HOLLYWOOD – This week saw the opening of the latest installment in the long-running, beloved (but mostly just tolerated) High School Musical series. However, this time, there’s a Simpson College twist.The new Direct-to-DVD sequel, entitled High

School Football Musical, features Simpson’s very own football star and singing phenomenon, Jordan Beem. Indeed, Beem was discovered by Disney talent agents at his audition for “the Voice” earlier this semester.“Right after they told me that I wouldn’t make

it on ‘the Voice’ I was approached by some weird guy wearing Mickey Mouse ears,” said the star-struck Beem as he basked in his newfound stardom with 10-15 year olds. “He said that Disney was looking to milk their High School Musical cash cow once again and I would be perfect for the sequel. I accepted right there.”Filming took only about a month and was of

a quality we’ve come to expect from the Disney Channel in the last few years: not great but nice to have playing in the background occasionally.The film takes place between “High School

Musical 2” and “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” and the entirety of the original main cast will be returning (contracts with Disney require giving up ownership of one’s soul).The story takes place during Homecoming of

senior year for the main cast and introduces us to Beem’s character, the hugely popular and as yet unseen for some reason, East High star quarterback, Peyton M. Anning. Gabriella, played by Vanessa Hudgens, is once again having second thoughts about her relationship with Troy Bolton, played by Zac Efron, and decides Peyton might be worth pursuing.Chaos ensues as Troy joins the football team

to win back Gabriella and Sharpay, played by Ashley Tisdale, joins the cheer squad to win the hearts of both Peyton and Troy. Ryan Evans, played by Lucas Grabeel, becomes

the football team’s manager to assist Sharpay with her schemes.Chad Danforth, played by Corbin Bleu, and

Taylor McKessie, played by Monique Coleman, join the pep band to keep an eye on Troy. Troy, who insists he can’t dance can sure play a mean trombone.Copies of the DVD will be released on April

31, and can be purchased at your local K-Mart for $19.99 or

By Lionel Robertson

Dear Advice-Giver

Obituaries

Lucinda M. SqueekinAugust 1959 - April 2016Lucinda passed away late last week following a most unfortunate car accident. She had seen a nut in the middle of the road and attempted to beat a car to it. Unsurprisingly, the car won. Lucinda leaves behind her husband Stew and two children, Sue (12) and Fuzz (8).

George BushtailMarch 1938 - March 2016George was a longtime private investigator for the Des Moines Police Department who became a national celebrity for bringing notorious gangster Acorn Capone to justice in 1964. He passed away peacefully in his sleep while visiting family. George leaves behind his daughter Nutty.

Jonny and Gladys SqeasqueakJonny - November 1925 - January 2016Gladys - October 1920 - January 2016Jonny and Gladys were as inseparable in death as they were in life with them passing away together while sleeping at home. Towards the end, Gladys began suffering from alzheimer's and Jonny would often read to her from a book of his memoirs to remind her about their relationship. Plans are underway to turn this heartwarming tale into a movie.

Layla BrownutMay 1994 - February 2016Layla died doing what she loved... eating nuts. Chokingto death on an overly large nut, Layla went up to the great oak tree in the sky where nuts fall like the rain. Survivors include her parents and her sister. She leaves "nuttin" of value behind.

Dear Advice-Giver,Tuition went up again. Why in the world does it keep rising? I have no money. How am I going to pay for school next year? Please help!

Sincerely,Broke AF

Dear Broke AF,

I have the perfect solution. Find someone who has a romantic interest in you. They have to be rich. Go on a few dates, then convince them to take you to Las Vegas. Once there, get them super drunk. Go and get married. Get back from the trip and casually mention that you need money for school. You’re already married so they should have no problem giving you the money.

Admittedly, you are running very low on time. This could take a few months. To save some time, skip Vegas and have one of your friends become ordained so they can perform the ceremony. It’s less romantic but it’ll do the trick in a crunch.

Sincerely,Advice-Giver

Breaking Free… Of the Tackle (ft. Jordan Beem & Vanessa

Hudgens)

What I’ve Been Looking For… is the Football

(ft. Jordan Beem)

Get’cha Head in the Game… and Get a Concussion

(ft. Jordan Beem & Zac Efron)

Bop to the Top… of the Pyramid

(ft. Ashley Tisdale & Lucas Grabeel)

I Don’t Play Trombone (ft. Corbin Bleu & Taylor

McKessie)

All for One Yard(ft. Zac Efron & Jordan Beem)

You are the Pep Ban in Me (ft. Corbin Bleu & Taylor

McKessie)

We’re All in This Huddle (ft. Zac Efron & Jordan Beem)

Spoons, a deadly sport, has been played for years all over the world. It is a very complex and competitive sport that can be very dangerous. Over the years many people have lost fingers and broken hands trying to grab the last spoon.

This year the Simpson College spoons team took on many schools from Coe to Loras but it took a turn for the worst when they went up against Wartburg last week.

“There was blood everywhere,” said a still shaken Kyle Highland, captain of the Simpson Spoons Team. “People were screaming and running and somehow the building was on fire. It was terrifying.”

Eye-witness accounts place the blame on Wartburg spoons phenomenon Rosie Ruiz. One terrified witness watched in horror as Ruiz placed several forks and even a knife in among the spoons.

“I was paralyzed and didn’t know what to do,” said Kat Genovese, a Simpson sophomore from Brooklyn, New York. “I know everyone else saw what happened but no one else said anything or reacted!”

Ruiz insists on her innocence but in the interim she has been banned from all competition until further inquiries can be made.

“This is a cutlery conspiracy!” exclaimed Ruiz. “I had nothing to do with the knives, forks or fire. I’m as innocent as Rod Blagojevich!”

Wartburg is rebuilding (both the team and their student center), healing, and forgiving. Simpson is trying to stay positive. On May 10, Simpson will take on Central College for the division championship.

“Central is so overrated. They’ve been spoon-fed easy victories all seasons,” complained Highland as he lovingly stroked last year’s championship trophy. “I heard they’re scared witless to face us. They should be scared… there’s a storm coming!”

Page 6 April 2016 April 2016 Page 7

Get to know new Acorn advisor Kedron Bardwell

Simpson Stretching Team While administration stays rigid, new team promotes flexibility

Blood, Sweat, and SpoonsSpoons tournament turns ugly. Fire consumes Wartburg

Marathon TV Team is going dancing...with the stars that is!

Simpson’s Marathon TV Team Competing at NCAA Tourney

People to Know

He’s read the Whispering Maples not once… but twice! And he enjoyed every minute and page of it.

The Acorn is proud and delighted to announce that Kedron Bardwell will be serving as the Acorn advisor for academic year 2016-2017. Professor Bardwell is the Department Chair of Political Science at Simpson and an all-around swell guy. Here’s a few things you need to know about him!

His IQ is higher than the national debt which currently stands at over $19 trillion. He’s hella smart… and hopefully not in debt.

Every four years he becomes a television phenomenon. He’s got a face for TV and a voice for radio and a personality for life.

Received Simpson’s Distinguished Teacher Award in 2015. Because of Bardwell’s continuous levels of awesome, the award has since been renamed the Lifetime Distinguished Teacher Award.

He has more Twitter followers than Kim Kardashian because the people want facts, not booty pics.

His infamous blue book tests have set records for the most students requiring physical therapy for their hands after taking them. Short answer questions are for the weak.

Most importantly, he has personally angered Donald Trump and enjoys a prominent position on the Donald’s “sh*t list.” We couldn’t think of any higher honor.

PELLA – Simpson College’s Netflix Marathon Team took down Central College this past weekend to take home the “Binge Watch Cup.” The final score had Simpson at 23 seasons to Central’s measly 2 seasons watched consecutively without stopping for any reason. Simpson is trying to make history with the first ever 15-win year in the history of the sport on April 24th, where they will take on archrival Simpson University (out of California) in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Brooke Volz, a junior and competitor in the horror show category, is the nominal team captain and says that the team is doing its best to not think about the pressure. “We aren’t thinking about the pressure so much as we still have a lot of work to do,” said Volz. “We’re just going to concentrate on Netflix and slog through it.” Volz is also the creator of the “Netflix and Chill” training regimen. Marathon athletes train by watching all of a season while sitting in a

bathtub filled with ice-water. (Because that’s what “Netflix and Chill” really means.) Matt Pullen is the captain of the “Find something that you have never seen that you are actually interested in on Netflix as fast as you can” segment of the Marathon TV team but he was unavailable for comment, reportedly because he was still looking for something to watch. Make sure you tune in to ESPN 8 “The Ocho” for full coverage of the NCAA Marathon TV Team Tournament and don’t forget to fill out your brackets!

SIMPSON – “Ready for Anything!” is the motto of the Simpson College Stretching Team which made its debut at the Simpson v. Central Men’s basketball game earlier this year. The team consists of 14 women and 12 men who are incredibly passionate about maintaining a flexible physique while supporting their peers. Coaching the Simpson Stretching Team is yoga instructor Mrs. Shnerman. Though the team is young, they are looking forward to the great things they hope to bring to Simpson Athletics. “We’ve had a strong start and we’re thrilled to attend more sporting events this spring and next fall,” said Cort Singleton, captain of the stretching team. “We really enjoy being there to support our peers and jumping into action when needed.” While the team is always eager to step in when too many players get injured, they hope they never have to. “We’re always stretched and eager to jump in when needed, but we hate to see that many players go down,” says Singleton. “But we’re prepared to cover every sport on this campus.” Altogether, the team covers basketball, wrestling, football, baseball, softball, tennis, volleyball,

golf, cross country, track, dance, soccer, and sometimes even Intramurals. For people who stay as loose as they do, it’s surprising how tight of a schedule they keep. The Stretching Team dedicates one hour to practicing every day. Practices consist of a 40 minute warm up stretch, a 5 minute water break, and a 15 minute cool down stretch. Singleton says the team was inspired by Stretch Armstrong, a popular 80’s toy that they bring to every event. “That dude has gotten us through some tough times as a team,” explained Singleton. “He really inspires us to stretch that extra inch.” Unfortunately, because of the small size of the group and the large number of sporting events they cover, they often feel they are stretching themselves too thin. During track season, the team will be focusing on recruiting more members. Singleton says they look for people “who love sports, have a lot of enthusiasm, and are double jointed.”By football season, the Stretching Team hopes to get their own uniforms with matching sweatbands. To help support The Stretching Team, they will be at a booth in Kent on April 9th from 10AM

to 1 PM asking people about their favorite stretches and selling Silly Putty. For more info on how to become a part of the Simpson Stretching Team, contact Team Captain Cort Singleton at thestretchingteam@gmail.com.

Page 8 April, 2016

FLOPSIDEThe biggest flops of the year

Belly flops

Flip flops

Movie Flops

Floppy hats

Floppy disks