The alternate Primarchs p5

7/27/2019 The alternate Primarchs p5

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= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY TWO*** = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day:Blessed be the small mind - shut up and do you !ob" We don#ta$oid payin% you so you &an 'oste %and ideas o' 'eedom( libeation and demo&a&y)

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left theirwallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to

combat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of$etcon and their harbingers, the %&tan'

aving divided into si teams to locate and recover the si keys for the *ates of +arl

carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch %arl of the leventh Legion,the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when theywere young (and without their undying servants) - the #ish of ime.

Leaving Angron behind on the shi/, en0oying the com/any of *ameS/ot $eader&s %hoice

12 +illain, 3aghatai 4han and 4onrad %ur5e head down to the volcano-infested hell worldknown as the ndless ells of 4ith to search for the 4ey of 6attle.

Konrad:+o """ ,han """ don#t belie$e .e#$e had time to sit do.n and &at&h up .ith

past e$ents sin&e """ you /no. """ the #disa%eement# """

Khan:0penetatin% %a1e2

Konrad:E """ so """ ho.#s it been3


Konrad:Head you#$e been touin% the 4a/ Elda &ities as an aena &hampion3 Ho..as that3


Konrad:5un3 6et mu&h 'an mail3 Any me&handise3

Khan:e holds u/ the mug he&s drinking coffe out of' he slogan &789 4A: D8 ;.& isclearly visible on the side in fancy ldar-style of writing Low *othic" 0oh """ andpenetatin% %a1e2

Konrad7 Oh """ that#s &ool" +o .hee did you &ome in the 'inals3 5ist3 +e&ond3 """

thid3

Khan7 0penetatin% %a1e2

Konrad7 Well """ &an emembe .hy no one li/ed you """

Khan7 You .ee mista/en - you .ee the unli/ed one

Konrad7 He spea/s) t#s a mia&le) #$e spent the last hou on this Thundeha./ .ithno one but a mute Pima&h and a bun&h o' mindless se$itos as &ompany and the 'ist

thin% my bothe says to me in ten thousand yeas is an insult) 8y li'e 'a/in% su&/s

Khan7 That is .hy you .ee not li/ed" You o&&upy yousel' .ith the ne%ati$e( and


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i%noe the positi$e that the .ind bin%s

Konrad7 %noe the positi$e3 What#s positi$e about my li'e3 landed on the bi%%est pileo' &ap in the %ala9y( and spent my ealy &hildhood 'eedin% o'' the ones ni&e enou%h to/eep Nostamo#s population in &he&/ by !umpin% o'' the neaest hi%h to.e" used to.a/e up hopin% some poo sod had de&ided to end it all some.hee abo$e .hee

.ould sleep so .ouldn#t ha$e to spend hous .andein% the steets listenin% 'o thate9&ited &heein% 'om the &o.ds that .ould %athe belo. !umpes to en&oua%e them"That .as be'oe my pe&o%nition /i&/ed in and stated ha$in% deams about .hee thene9t sui&ides .ould o&&u" ,ept me happy( and 'ed( until someone noti&ed and the

&o.ds stated 'ollo.in% meto ea&h !umpe so they &ould %et thei daily entetainment.hile %ot my 'ood" E$entually %ot sponsoships 'om the ma!o Nostamon

&opoations( .ho themsel$es .ee 'inan&ed by the ma!o &ime lods o' the planet" Thatsponsoship /ept me 'ed( /ept the sui&ide ate and the entetainment $alue up( and 'o a

.hile all .as %ood" Then they pulled the plu%( blaimin% #'allin% atin%s# as e$eyonestated to en!oy a %ood sui&ide by !umpin% in 'ont o' tains as opposed to o'' a buildin%"O' &ouse( tains don#t lea$e me mu&h to eat .hen they#e 'inished( and it#s a pain.al/in% alon% the ta&/s s&apin% them o'' the metal so ne$e botheed" +o the

sponsoship 'aded( and .as le't de'endin% 'o mysel' a%ain" 5om that day 'o.ad( s.oe $en%ean&e a%ainst those &opoations and thei &ime lod o.nes( and be%an my

oain% ampa%e o' e$en%e)

Khan:And ho. did that su&&eed 'o you3

Konrad: inheited the planet

Khan:Then you ble. it up

Konrad: .as in debt to the .old by se$eal tillion &edits( blo.in% it up .as the best.ay to &an&el that debt and /eep the money

Khan:A sensible option( but at the &ost o' mu&h li'e

Konrad:Plenty moe .hee they &ame 'om

Khan:That attitude is not one desiable 'o a leade

Konrad:Well in &ase you hadn#t noti&ed #m pue ni%htmae 'uel hee" Who .ould'ollo. me3

Khan:An amy o' %emlins: you ae both t.isted( e$il( and a'aid o' the li%ht

Konrad:Oh &hees """

Khan:You death did not po$e the point you intended it to

Konrad: /no.( 6W still .ites pa%es on ho. e$il .e ae" #m supised don#t %etin$itations 'o pantomime: thee#s enou%h ham in the s&ipts they as/ me to ead thesedays to e-spa.n a Tus/%o

Khan:You ae the $illain: a&&ept you pla&e

Konrad:+ays .ho3 E$eythin% ha$e e$e done .as 'o the %eate %ood o' man/ind)#m the ;eto o' this uni$ese) 8y 6olden Path is i%ht thee and no one#s .al/in% it

be&ause laid the bi&/s) What did dad e$e do3 +pend &entuies buildin% a blind( nai$eempie based on i%noan&e and ao%ant belie' they undestand all the uni$ese has to

o''e3 Well it#s not my 'ault the uni$ese /no&/ed on the doo( said hello( and spilt the


3/86

&o''ee .hen it .as o''eed

Khan:You sided .ith Chaos

Konrad:t has a %ood pension s&heme: &onta&tual immotality

Khan:We ae Pima&hs: .e ae immotal

Konrad:Not a&&odin% to Code9 mpeialis( and the subse


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Vulkan:Remembe - ta#lissea) 5o the 6eate 6ood)

A weak cheer is heard from the S/ace >arines'

Alpharious:Come on) +ay it li/e you mean it) ;i/e .e dis&ussed a'te .at&hin% my

#6et O$e You Ao%an&e And n'iltate ;i/e an Alpha ;e%ionnaie# 44 - 5OR THE6REATER 6OO4)

Space arines:5OR THE 6REATER 6OO4)

Alpharious:8usi& to my eas """ B#ob( ho. 'a until the &itadel3

!"ob:About anothe ten minutes

Alpharious:E9&ellent - emembe %uys: .e %et in( .e %et out" No mu&/in% abouthee( .e %ab the ,ey and .e es&ape as 'ast as possible" We#e +pa&e 8aines( lets stata&tin% li/e a apid sti/e 'o&e 'o on&e and not an in$adin% amy" That#s the mpeial

6uad#s !ob( i' you emembe

Rando# Space arine: s that .hy .e#$e %ot no ;and +peedes3

Alpharious:ndeed" And Teminatos" apolo%ise 'o the la&/ o' Assault Cannons hee(but .e#e on a bud%et" Heny( /eep that ;as&annon sa'e" t#s ou only hea$y .eapon

aside 'om ul/an#s 8elta%un

Vulkan:You &an py this baby 'om my &old( dead 'in%es

Alpharious: ;ets hope it ne$e &omes to that" E$eyone eady3

Space arines:YEAH)

Roboute: What ae .e3

Space arines: +PACE 8ARNE+)

Vulkan:What ae .e made o'3

Space arines:P;A+TC) """ mostly

Roboute:Who lo$es us3

Space arines: 6A8E+ WOR,+HOP)

Vulkan:Who ae the &heesiest3

Space arines:+PACE 8ARNE+ WTH A++A>;T CANNON+))

Vulkan:4amn stai%ht """

Alpharious:O, %uys( enou%h .ith the testosteone - the &itadel#s ahead

;n the distance a vast building looms u/ over the surrounding desert'

Alpharious: That doesn#t loo/ Tau """

!"ob:t#s not" We &laimed it 'om its pe$ious o.nes" Well """ say #&laimed#" We sot


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o' mo$ed in due to no one o.nin% the pla&e anymoe" 5o millennia( by the loo/s o'thin%s """

Roboute: 8an """ e """ doesn#t that loo/ a little li/e """3

Alpharious:Ne&onty a&hite&tue3 Why yes """ it does" Heny( /eep hold o' that

;as&annon( and pay that .hen the &ap hits the 'an( the Ne&ons aen#t RAW-anal aboutthei WBB sa$es """

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY THREE*** = = = = = = = =

Alpharious: Who let Rob nea the title3

Roboute:This stoy needed moe bling""" and s/ulls """

Alpharious: +/ulls3

Roboute:This is ?@, man) You &an ne$e ha$e enou%h s/ulls) +/ulls .ith blin%) Blin%

s/ulls)

Alpharious:Can /ill him3 +eiously """ .ill anyone a&tually miss him3 Who the hellplays >ltamaines these days e9&ept 6aham 8&Neil3 ;ets 'a&e it: they#e boin%( bland(

and ha$e possibly these&ond %eatest assault on the eyes as a &olou s&heme in thishobby" No one plays >ltamaines

Roboute:ust li/e no one plays Alpha ;e%ion3

Alpharious:Oh but they do """we're just really good at disguising ourselves!Whi&h leads us to """

Thought for the Day:Thee#s a &han&e that any amy you#e playin% a%ainst is anAlpha ;e%ion amy in dis%uise" Thee#s an e


6/86

Feather-$bsessed Dae#onette: li/e you .in%s """

Sanguinius: #$e noti&ed: you#$e been tyin% to plu&/ them all e$enin% """ no. enou%hidle bante """ baby """ you /no. .hat .ant """ .hat need e leans closer to her'Ae you eady3

Feather-$bsessed Dae#onette: .as summoned eady """ She leans backseductively ''' then /ulls out a camera (don&t ask from where)'O,( 'ist shoot - ta/e apose)

Sanguinius:Ado/ting various /oses as the Daemonette takes /ictures of him'Ho.about this3 O this3 Pehaps this3 4oes it ma/e me loo/ intelle&tual3 Too mu&h 'lesh3

Tell me .hen thee#s too mu&h: ha$e a espe&table ima%e to maintain( but .ant toteat my 'emale 'anbase """ oh the di''i&ulties) We mi%ht need se$eal shoots( and &an

.e ha$e some moe li%htin% in hee3

;n another corner of the a//ro/riately named Palace of :arcissim"

Scales-$bsessed Dae#onette:You 'iend seems li/e he#s ha$in% 'un """

Fulgri#:A photo shoot) Oh ho. deli%ht'ul) 4ea: &ould you ub moe oil into the tail3The s&ales ae %ettin% a little soe """

Scales-$bsessed Dae#onette:O' &ouse """

Suddenly several figures burst into the room'

Scales-$bsessed Dae#onette:E$#ii3

%ithe Dae#onette &'v"rii(: ,a#ndii) need you help)

Fulgri#: 8otaion) What bin%s you hee) With a &amel)

%la#a: #m a ;lama( than/ you

Fulgri#:Whate$e

ortarion:5ul%im) Appaently emo#s ae banned on this planet unde pain o' death by+ Club D son%s)

Fulgri#:Ou&h """ ho. pain'ul 'o you" 4o tell me ho. that %oes """

%la#a: hea you#e see/in% the ,ey o' 4esie3

Sanguinius:What i' .e ae3

%la#a: /no. .hee it may be( but you .on#t 'ind it hee" 4o you desie the ,ey( punintended( i' so &ome .ith me """

Sanguinius:>s3 Pima&hs3 5ollo. a &amel3

%la#a:;la- you /no. it doesn#t matte" Yes """ &amel

Fulgri#: 5ind this /ey """ o stay hee in the &ompany o' these lo$ely .omen """

4aemon """ thin%s """ .hate$e """ .ell /no. .hat #ll be &hoosin%)

Sanguinius:You#e i%ht 5ul%im) As Pima&hs .e loo/ best sa$in% the .old) To the


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4esie ,ey)

Fulgri#: A&tually .as hopin% to stay hee """

A loud crash heralds /arts of the wall colla/sing to make way for a gargantuan 4ee/er ofSecrets'

Keeper of Secrets:8ORTARON)) +EE YO> NOW))

ortarion:Oh %uys( this is Ha#lee" +he#s been tas/ed to 'ollo. me and beat me to

death .ith the !oys o' late-@s pop musi&

Keeper of Secrets: Pepae to su''e """ + C;>B >NOR+))

Fulgri#: Cap) +an%uinius)

Sanguinius:What3 Why me3

Fulgri#:The isions seies had you pi&tued .ith a ,eepe o' +e&et#s head so youmust ha$e had moe e9peien&e than me at this)

Sanguinius:That .as a photo shoot) t .as sta%ed) +omeone pushed the damn head

into my hands and too/ my pi&tue) What am supposed to do3

Fulgri#: You too/ out Bloodthistes in sin%le &ombat) This &an#t be that had)

Sanguinius: too/ out a Bloodletter) Not my 'ault those bloody ememban&es &an#temembe anythin% popely)

ortarion:6uys( stop a%uin% and kill it)

Sanguinius:ey .ell """ entein% Battle 8ode)

+an%uinius -2 Atta&/ -2 ,eepe o' +e&ets

+an%uinius hits ,eepe o' +e&ets 'o ( dama%e)+an%uinius#s A.esome Holy Aua deals ,eepe o' +e&ets an e9ta ( dama%e)+an%uinius#s ;i%htnin% Assault Atta&/ deals ,eepe o' +e&ets an e9ta ( dama%e)+an%uinius#s +hee Badassey deals ,eepe o' +e&ets an e9ta ( dama%e)

Fulgri#: +he#s still ali$e3)3 Ri%ht( my tun)

5ul%im -2 Atta&/ -2 ,eepe o' +e&ets

5ul%im hits ,eepe o' +e&ets 'o ( dama%e)5ul%im hits ,eepe o' +e&ets 'o ( dama%e)

5ul%im hits ,eepe o' +e&ets 'o ( dama%e)5ul%im hits ,eepe o' +e&ets 'o ( dama%e)5ul%im uses Hit With All 8y Hands to deal an e9ta ( dama%e to ,eepe o'+e&ets)5ul%im po/es ,eepe o' +e&ets in the 'a&e .ith his tail and deals an e9ta (dama%e and in'li&ts Poison)

ortarion: +he#s still standin%))

Sanguinius:6o 'o it 8ot)

8otaion -2 Atta&/ -2 ,eepe o' +e&ets

8otaion hits ,eepe o' +e&ets 'o ( dama%e)


8/86

Fulgri#: """ that it3

ortarion:Wait 'o it """

,eepe o' +e&ets su''es Pla%ue 'om 8otaion#s .ound)

,eepe o' +e&ets su''es ( dama%e),eepe o' +e&ets su''es mmobilised),eepe o' +e&ets su''es +ilen&e),eepe o' +e&ets su''es Blind)

,eepe o' +e&ets su''es Con'used),eepe o' +e&ets su''es 6W Pi&e n&eased)

,eepe o' +e&ets su''es Bad Plasti& 8a/eo$e),eepe o' +e&ets su''es +alt Rubed nto Wound)

,eepe o' +e&ets su''es ,i&/in% When 4o.n)

Fulgri#: Holy shi- emind me not to piss 8otaion o'' a%ain """

ortarion:What3 t#s still alive*)*)What do .e ha$e to do to /ill this thin%3

,eepe o' +e&ets &asts Bo/en +


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/ora0:+o .hat no.3

Dorn: No. .e split up and sea&h 'o the Hope ,ey """ it has to be aound heesome.hee and #ll be damned i' #ll .ait until a'te beat the &ap out o' that &a1y'un%us be'oe lay my hands on it

/ora0:The bet3

Dorn: The bet" #ll be damned i' lose to any o' the othes" We#ll be the 'ist to %et ou/ey) Ri%ht bothes3

.erturabo:ndeed - to Team A)

/ora0:4ude that#s lame """ Team Ro&/et)

Dorn: don#t thin/ so """ Team on)

.erturabo:As in #on Ca%e#3

Dorn: Yup

.erturabo: He he """ 'un times """ to Team on)

hey /lace there hands together at the centre of a circle they stand in'

/ora0:6o Team on)

.erturabo:Ri%ht( split up and 'ind out &lues" 8eet ba&/ hee in an hou) Remembe:/eep tal/in% to an NPC in &ase they ha$e somethin% di''eent to say the se&ond time)

Dorn:Pity 8a%nus isn#t hee" He#ll %et e$eythin% .e need in one simple 6athe n'ooll

= = = = = = = =

S/eaking of which '''

agnus: use ,no.led%e FA&anaG on the unes)

Russ:,no.led%e FPansy 6ay AtsG moe li/e """

Ferrus: %noin% Russ( .hat did you %et3

agnus: A ?))

Ferrus:And the thin% .e#$e leaned today is """3

agnus:t#s an&ient Elda .itin%s)

hey stand and stare at the wall with its foot-high lettering'

Ferrus:We noti&ed """

Fred:What does it say*

agnus:#;oo/ behind you#


10/86

Ferrus:What3 4on#t be silly """

agnus:#m not( that#s .hat they seiously say

Ferrus:Why .ould an Elda .ite in 'oot-hi%h lettes #loo/ behind you#3 They don#tha$e a sense o' humou) t#s not as i' they /ne. .e """ .ee """ &omin% """ Elda ha$e

5asees don#t they3

agnus:Yes """ they do

Ferrus:And 5asees see into the 'utue i%ht3

agnus:Yes """ they do

hey all look at each other, then slowly turn around '''

,ightbringer:6ood e$enin%

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY 5O>R*** = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day: ' at 'ist you don#t su&&eed """ &all in the +pa&e 8aines" The 'a&tyou .ee tyin% in the 'ist pla&e .ithout pope Astates suppot Fi"e" they do all the

.o/G is testament to you stupidity( and you 'ist step on the oad o' leanin% is topu&hase moe +pa&e 8aines)

%orgar: When did .e stat ad$etisin% 'o 6W hee3

.erturabo:We did a little 'o Apo&alypse a &ouple o' &haptes a%o """

'ldrad +lthran:Bah" 8oe +pa&e 8aine ad$etisements) As i' .e need moe +pa&e

8aine playes """

Dorn:Well .ho else .ill you %et to aim all those +ta&annons at3

'ldrad +lthran:A %ood point """ moe +pa&e 8aine playes) t ma/es the est o' usloo/ bette """

;n the slightly un/leasant dim far future there is only S/ace >arines ''' and things S/ace>arines shoot at'

Roboute:Enou%h aleady) 6et on .ith it)

Dorn:Well( belie$e thee#s somethin% e$eyone hee a%ees .ith" While non-+pa&e8aine playes may mo&/ those .ho do play +pa&e 8aines( e$eyone( in&ludin% +pa&e

8aine playes( mo&/ anyone .ho 'ields >ltamaines

Roboute:Hey)

'ldrad +lthran:Thus is the %ospel a&&odin% to Piestly """ paise be to Piestly and His4i$ine Will

'ldar: Amen """

'ldrad +lthran:And &use be to the A&h-'iend Thope( and the daiy podu&ts he does

bin% as o''ein%s """

'ldar:Amen """


11/86

Dorn:And paye be us 'inally statin% this &hapte3

'ldrad +lthran:4ude( this is !ust 'lu''

A kitten dies'

'ldrad +lthran:The A&h-'iend sti/es a%ain))

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left theirwallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their

Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of

$etcon and their harbingers, the %&tan'

aving divided into si teams to locate and recover the si keys for the *ates of +arlcarelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch %arl of the leventh Legion,

the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when theywere young (and without their undying servants) - the #ish of ime.

Dorn:5inally """ no. .hat3

7ou bugger off' 7ou&re not in today&s cha/ter'

Dorn:?6ut ;&m $ogal Dorn..?

And your %ha/ter&s colour scheme is bright yellow' hich makes it far easier for thisA/ocaly/se-si5ed Dark $ea/er army to see you'

Dorn:What3 WAT))))

0e9plosions and death2

e now re-0oin our heroes aboard the ldar %raftworld of Al&cir, where they have been

confronted by the LORD OF DEATH, THE REAPER OF SOLS, or HE LOO"! #S$ARE PEOPLE SO %$H THE#R D&A #S AFRA#D OF %E!!de/ending on who you

ask '''

IAutho#s Note7 n &ase you#e .ondein% .hy the Ni%htbin%e doesn#t ha$e his dialo%uein di''eent &olous li/e +laanesh( Nu%le( ,hone( T1eent&h( the 4e&ei$e( and the

Empeo( it#s mainly be&ause his .ould be bla&/" As the 'oum#s ba&/%ound is alsobla&/( this .ould e


12/86

Russ:Run3 We#e .R1AR/2S))

Ferrus:Ha$e you seenthe stats on that thin%3 t ma/es Knd Ed 6eate 4aemons loo/li/e +notlin%s) +eiously( .ee the desi%n team smo/in% thei old &odi&es .hen they.ote the ?th ed Ne&on Code93

agnus:' so( #d li/e to ha$e some """

,ightbringer:' .e all CH NOOB+H TON6>E)

Ferrus:4ee/ """ .hat ae you doin%3

Derek walks towards the :ightbringer, and stands beneath theAESO%E POER OF

THE $'TA&!

Derek:5i9in% a mista/e made many yeas a%o .hen 8as a%eed to aid the Copse-6od and his patheti& e9&use 'o an mpeium)

agnus:t .asn#t thatbad) Admittedly the e9teme i%ht-.in% attitude to s&ien&e andatheism did /ind o' su&/ &ome Chistmas( but .e still %ot a.ay .ith a little 'esti$e&hee)

Derek:Chistmas doesn#t &on&en me( and soon it .ill die" All Human emotions .ill die('o it 'eeds the Wap) Hope( an%e( desie( and despai - all .ith peish and be epla&edby un&ompimisin% ode)

Ferrus:What3 That#s boin%) What am %oin% to do .hen play alo @Whee#s the

'un .hen you don#t 'eel %ood about pullin% o'' a headshot on the ba&/ o' a mo$in%$ehi&le3

Derek:Compute %ames .ill also be banned( 'o they en&oua%e $iolen&e amon%st ou&hilden

Ferrus:Oh no. that#s !ust bein% stupid)

Derek:All spots .ill be banned( musi& .il no lon%e e9ist( and ta(le)to* ga+ingwill (e e,itin-t)

%ollective gas/s of horror from all assembled'


13/86

Ferrus:NEER) may not obsess about the hobby li/e Petuabo may do( but e&o%nise my e9isten&e as a &haa&te .ithin the ba&/%ound 'o a table-top %amin%

system) 4espite that pe$ious senten&e bea/in% so mu&h o' the 'outh .all #msupised thee#s anythin% less( .ill not allo. you to destoy that hobby)

Derek:You#e too late" E$en as .e spea/ the 4e&ei$e is sea&hin% the Web.ay 'o the

Bla&/ ;ibay """ and the >;T8ATE WEAPON)

agnus:What is this .eapon3

Derek:The %eatest po.e in the /no.n uni$ese) A 'o&e that &an e-.ite thousandso' yeas o' histoy( alte e$ents( &han%e entie &i$ilisations and tun pesonalities a%ainst

thei 'ome ima%e

Ferrus:What diaboli&al e$il do you spea/ o'3

Derek:The had di$e o' Alan 8eett) With its a.esome po.e( .e &an susbtantiallyalte the entie ?@, uni$ese and 8eett .ill thin/ it#s been his idea all alon%) He#ll ode

the podu&tion o' ne. boo/s( and update all 'lu''-

A kitten dies'

Derek:-to e'le&t ou ne. ideals) t#ll be a %loious a%e) A ne. a%e) ntodu&in%( ladiesand %entlemen7

3AR2A'R 456555: T2' AT2'R1,agnus:Oh my 6ods) 7$+ 3$RK F$R 2AS!R$)

,ightbringer:They pomise us endless po.e( 'o a small numbe o' e$isions %eaedto ma9imise po'its by appealin% to &hilden bet.een -K

Ferrus:You .ould tun this hobby into a mee e9tension o' Wi1ads o' the Coast3

,ightbringer:Why not3 We#ll ma/e thin%s easie by assi%nin% you all Ali%nments -you#lll be Neutal E$il( #ll be Chaoti& E$il-

Russ:And #ll be ,C,N6 YO>R A++)

,ightbringer: don#t belie$e that#s an Ali%nment on the &hat """

Russ:4on#t &ae)

Ferrus:Russ) What ae you doin%) You don#t stand a &han&e a%ainst the C#tan)

Russ:8aybe not by mysel'( but in &ase you missed it 8a%nus thee#s been %i$in% methe silent hand si%nals sin&e da/y hee tuned up)

agnus:#$e been tellin% him the est o' the messa%e tanslated" n it#s entiety( itstates7 #Hi Pima&hs( ;oo/ Behind You" n Case You Need A Hand( #$e ;e't 8y +.od5o You Behind The Wall - aul#

$uss smashes into the wall with a single fist, and draws a great sword of fearsome

beauty'

Russ: don#t usually li/e these 'an&y 9enos .eapons( but this thin%#s bloody a.esome)

&an 'eel the stat boosts 'lo.in% thou%h me)

Fred:s that """3


14/86

agnus:t is """ it#s Anais - THE 4AWN;6HT)

Dramatic music'

,ightbringer: +o you ha$e a 'an&y s.od """ so .hat3

agnus:We#ll see - CA+TN6 8>;TP;E B>55 +PE;;+ ON R>++)

Russ:0bu''ed2 ARRR6H)

$uss dives forward and lands a mighty blow on the :ightbringer' he resultant

shockwave of energy va/ourises Derek and destroys half the tower'

;eman Russ hits the Ni%htbin%e 'o >N6O4;Y dama%e)

Russ:NOW THAT#+ WHAT #8 TA;,N6 ABO>T)

Ferrus: Thee isn#t any &han&e aul le't a 'e. moe s.ods behind thee 'o us3

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY 5E*** = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day:Eat moe 'uit"

What3 Wee you e9pe&tin% somethin% moe3


Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of


aving divided into si teams to locate and recover the si keys for the *ates of +arlcarelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch %arl of the leventh Legion,the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when they

were young (and without their undying servants) - the #ish of ime.

As our heroes wrestle with the :ightbringer, a battle-hungry arboss, esca/e from aseemingly indescrutable 4ee/er of Secrets, hunt for the 6iomancer #abius 6ile, s/eed

into a :ecron #ortress-turned au out/ost, and 0ourney dee/ into the heart of a volcano,their father, the .OD E%PEROR OF %A&"#&D!has reached Ancient erra, seeking to

free the cradle of mankind from the gri/ of %&tan tyranny.

'ldrad:And .hat .as the mpeium o' man3

alcador:2u#antyanny( an entiely di''eent /ind o' oppession

'ldrad:What#s so di''eent about it3

alcador:t#s Humans /illin% themsel$es( .hi&h is pe'e&tly 'ine

'ldrad:That#s somethin% .e both a%ee on

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):+ilen&e) Both o' you) We appoa&h the obit o' Tea)

'ldrad: %uess it#s !ust past the obits o' 8ild 5i%ht( +&ay( and Hide-Behind-The-+o'a


15/86

i%ht3

Silence'

'ldrad:That .as humou people( please don#t let it ambush you .hen you e$entually%et aound to e$ol$in%

alcador:And .hat ha$e you Elda been doin% 'o the last si9ty-odd million yeas3

'ldrad:6estatin% +laanesh" What ha$e you %uys been doin%3 Oh """ don#t ans.e"

Repeatedly s&e.in% yousel$es o$e by &eatin% pe'e&t( Star rek-es


16/86

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): No one said #'lu''#))

Slaanesh:Yes you did" #5lu''y# is meely a des&ipti$e use o' #'lu''# """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):Oh that#s !ust bein% a./.ad" did not say "fluff")

A fourth kitten s/ontaneously combusts'

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):5o the 6od#s sa/e stop it)

T8eentch:5o ou sa/e3 But .e#e en!oyin% it

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):Pi&/ on the 'ethin% &i&/ets)

Torgaddon:You lea$e them out o' this) Not .hen #$e almost %ot them .o/in%to%ethe to .ite the ne9t orus eresyboo/)

Abaddon:Well """ &an#t be .ose than Descent of Angels"""

Ahri#an:' the not-eally-subtle atta&/s on the Bla&/ ;ibay ae this bad no.3 Whathappens .hen they 'inally elease a boo/ on the Thousand +ons3

Lets not go there' Lets 0ust not go there' Lets 0ust say it better be made of #&and

AESO%Eor this series will see an Author 6reakdown on the scale that&ll make Ceebusthe Aad$a/ look like a mild divergeance in theme '''

e&re talking End o' #reakingE$an%elionhere '''

Bu''y the ampie +layeseason si '''

Ahri#an:We %et the pi&tue" +o in the inteest o' e$eyone hee at Primarchs( mysel'

in&luded( .e pass this simple messa%e out to the %uys at the Bla&/ ;ibay and thea.esome team o' authos thee """ please ma/e the e$entual to/en boo/ on the

Thousand +ons a.esome """ please """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): What do &ae3 ne$e leaned to ead """

alcador:We noti&ed my lod """ othe.ise you mi%ht ha$e noti&ed the Heesy &omin%&onsidein% it ips o' the plot o' so many 'i&tion it#s not e$en 'unny """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):You insultin% me 8al&ado3

alcador:Well """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):Who#s name#s in &apitals3

alcador:E """ yous3

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):4A8N +TRA6HT) WHO#+ THE E8PEROR3 YO>3 HE;; NO)8E) #8 THE 6O4-5REA,N6-E8PEROR O5 8AN,N4) THE ONE( THE ON;Y( THEBRO,EN-HERO-O5-AWE+O8ENE++ THAT CAN D$ ,$ 3R$,)6W ;OE 8E) THERE +

NOTHN6 CAN#T 4O) CAN BAC,WAR4+ EN6NEER ANCENT E;4AR TECHNO;O6YAN4 8A,E 8Y OWN WEBWAY) HAE 8ORE P+YCHC ENER6Y N 8Y ;TT;E TOE THAN

A;PHA ;EE; P+Y,ER+ HAE N THER ENTRE BO4Y) #8 TA;;ER THAN A PR8ARCH(and ston%e to boot" And moe atta&ti$e" And bette at maths" #8 THE 6O4-E8PEROR)

BOW 4OWN AN4 HO;4 8E N EER;A+TN6 6EE, PRA+E)


17/86

alcador: head you#e a&tually an old man ma/in% that ima%e as an illusion """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): What3 Oh """ damn Abnett """ .ell """ pehaps" O pehaps#m !ust +upe-4amn-A.esome

alcador:Well i' you#e so supe and a.esome """ ho. &omes an O/ Wabossstan%led you3

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): Em """

;&d like to /oint out how absurd this all is, and a great way to highlight how much the

!"4 fluff contradicts itself' his is what ha//ens when you let fanboys write the new fluff'''

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):He olled lu&/y """ that#s my e9&use and #m sti&/in% to it)

alcador:Yes """ Ta&y

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): Oh you !ust as/ed 'o it)

he m/eror unleashes PS$H#$ %E.ADEATH!

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):What3 Nothin% happened3 Oh .ho &ountespelled3

T8eentch:No tho.in% bolts o' .ap ene%y in my pesen&e" n &ase you 'o%ot .ho#sthe mastes o' the .ap """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): But #m the E8PEROR)

Slaanesh:Yes dea( but all psy&hi& ene%y mani'ests 'om the .ap """

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): But +istes o' Battle)

,urgle:+eiously( did you thin/ that .as anythin% but.ap-spa.ned ma%i&/s3

T8eentch:Positi$e .ap ene%y( ead you $ealms of %haos" t#s li/e hittin% the matteo' this uni$ese .ith anti-matte

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): #m &on'used """

T8eentch:And you .onde .hy #m no lon%e the 6od o' Hope( Nu%le#s lost his

4espai( +laanesh is all about se9( and ,hone !ust li/es hittin% thin%s """

Khorne: stillha$e a sense o' honou) When emembe to bin% it """

T8eentch:+top losin% it do.n the side o' the so'a( and .e should be 'ine

alcador:When .e#e all 'inished pointin% out ho. mu&h todays 'lu''-Another kittendies" -has been dumbed do.n( &an .e &on&entate on the mattes at hand3 ;i/e thedestu&tion o' the Ne&on pesen&e on Tea3

Abaddon:A bette E+TON)

Abaddon:To%addon3


18/86

Torgaddon:4ude """ &ut me some sla&/ hee """ it#s a 'ethin% /"tan)

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):What3 Why is his name in &apitals too3

6ecause he&s made ofAESO%Eand #&'

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):And #m not3

:ot when you started /laying about with ldar technology and being /ractically without a

single flaw ''' save not noticing half your sons had issues ''' seriously dude ''' thera/y '''it hel/s '''

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): +eiously """ ty some yousel'" 8aybe then you mi%ht %et

o$e you nedish disli/e o' the ne. Heesy stu'' and """ don#t /no. """ get a life*

8uch' arsh'

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D):You had it &omin% """ so """ 4a%on" You .o/e up3 Thate9plains ho. a hu%e Ne&on 'o&e appeaed so &lose to Tea .ithout the le%ions o'

de'en&es noti&in% """ also means need to ha$e .ods .ith the 5abi&ato 6eneal o'8as """

V$1D DRA$,): No need( he is hee e holds u/ a head, and lets it fall to the

ground' needed him no moe( no. am a.a/e """ and man do 'eel %ood) 'eel li/e&on


19/86

Russ:M thou%ht +laanesh ate him3

agnus:MNo +laanesh datedhim" Empeo almi%hty ho. many times do ha$e to&oe&t people on this3

Ferrus:MCoe&tions late) ,illin% C#tan 'ist)

Russ:MAye laddy( &alm do.n" &an#t &on&entate .ith you all pani&/y li/e that( and&ould someone stop 5ed s&eamin%3

#errus knocks #red out with a flick of the wrist'

Russ:M4asti&( but it %ot the !ob done" Points to you laddy" Ri%ht( 8" Cloa/-and-shado.s( shall .e dan&e3

,ightbringer:6randishes scythe' BCetainly( but .an you( this tan%o is simply to die'o)

Silence' Some crickets chir/'

Ferrus:M suppose the humou disinte%ates a'te the 'ist 'e. millennia

,ightbringer:MYou ha$e no idea" Wat&hArrested Develo/mentenou%h times and e$enthat be&omes boin%

Ferrus:MOh that#s !ust heesy" Russ /i&/ his ass)

Russ:MWhat do you thin/ #$e been tyin% to do laddy3 ' it .asn#t 'o all this dialo%uee9&han%e .ould ha$e been assi%nin% my P 'i$e minutes a%o)

agnus:MHo. mu&h do .e %et 'o /illin% a C#tan3

Ferrus:MEnou%h to %et my !ui&y puple epi& %ea no doubt" 4id aul lea$e any othe.eapons by &han&e3

agnus:Must the 4a.nli%ht" >nless thee#s any othes #$e missed

Ferrus:MYou /no. the ba&/%ound bette than do

Russ:MOnly be&ause you ead it in bed

agnus:Mt helps me %et to sleep

Russ:MYou ha$e no li'e( it bea/s me to tell you this laddy but as you bothe 'eel

ha$e a esponsibility to lay bea these tuths .hi&h hinde you ability to atta&tmembes o' the opposite se9

agnus:MBah" Women ae o$eated" 8y le$el K ni%ht el' duid3 No. she"sa damn'ine %il

Russ:M+he#s fictional

agnus:MNo need to hut he 'eelin%s """

Russ:M s.ea sometimes thin/ a1in% Pospeo .as a se$i&e to man/ind """

Ferrus:MHey" 4on#t insult us %ee/s" You end up .o/in% 'o us in the end


20/86

agnus:M;oo/ at Wapso't" William 4oo.ay( on&e a %ee/( no. a multi-tillionaie

Russ:M8oney#s not impotant" The tou&h o' a %ood .oman-

Ferrus:M+houldn#t that be plual3

Russ:MWas that supposed to be an insult3 Be&ause i' you su%%estin% #$e had many'emale patnes is supposed to be negative"""

agnus:MThat .asn#t smat 5eus

Ferrus:MHey( i' you su%%est a %il sleeps aound is an insult( shouldn#t it .o/ the othe.ay3

agnus:MNo 5eus" t#s &alled a double standad" t doesn#t .o/ both .ays

Fred:M ob!e&t to that)

Russ:MWhat3 You thin/ you#$e slept .ith moe .omen than me3

Fred:MPobably

#errus and >agnus stare with mouths o/en"

Russ:MWo. """

,ightbringer:MEm """ %uys3

agnus:M5eus """ is this .hat they &all lo$e3

Ferrus:M4ude" thin/ she#s !ust &on'imed hesel' to be a lesbian """

Fred:MNo( #m bise9ual

>ouths hang o/en once again'

Ferrus:M8a%nus" This is lo$e

Russ:MNot to bust you bubbles lads """ but .ho#s &ayin% the %iant Elda .eapon-o-doom hee3

Fred:MAnd su&h a lo$ely &ompensation it is" 8y sympathy 'o you natual disability thate


21/86

agnus:M thin/ the bi% s&ay %od thin% is tyin% to %et ou attention

Ferrus:M%noe it" 5ed#s bi farmoe inteestin%

Russ:MA%eed" urns to #red+o( a theesome .ith a lady 'iend o' you &hoi&e3

,ightbringer:M#ll be o$e thee .hen you %uys 'eel li/e ad$an&in% the plot """

= = = = = = = =

6ack in orbit around erra '''

'ldrad:MCan#t they &on&entate on anything3

alcador:MThey#e +pa&e 8aines" Testosteone pumped up to ma9 then add some"

What do you e9pe&t3 4id the Empeo not send them on this pointless


22/86

%orgar:M+ounds %ood """

%ion:M""" A%eed

%orgar:MHo. &an you ha$e a damati& emphasis .ith only one .od3

2orus:MHe did it

Vect:MAma1in% """ .hat ae you doin% toni%ht3

%orgar:M4espite his petty-boy appeaan&e( ;ion is stai%ht

Vect:MYou silly Humans and you se9ual oientation &ap" You should be li/e us Elda)

2orus:MAnd %i$e bith to %ods that eat you 'iends and nei%hbous3

Vect:MHey( it seemed li/e a %ood idea at the time """

2orus:MEnou%h( this &on$esation is &eepin% me out( e&t is s&ain% me( and .ant to

s&at&h my o.n ass 'o the 'ist time in millennia" Thall pepae ou lande) ha$e anappointment .ith Bile)

Vect:M4o you eally3

2orus:MNo """ #m hopin% he#ll let me in on the basis he %ets to play .ith the li$in%Hous instead o' a splatteed dead &opse this time

%orgar:MYou#e sellin% yousel' to Bile3 You must lo$e you ams """

2orus:MYou ha$e no idea """ thee ae some thin%s no one should as/ Thall to do """

Vect:8/ens his mouth'

2orus:MNo

= = = = = = = =

>eanwhile, in the ndless ells of 4ith '''

Konrad:M+o """ any ideas3

Khan:MThe ,ey seems to be inside a $ol&ano """ ho. mu&h dama%e does la$a in'li&t3

Konrad:MPe ound3 t#ll be 4an%eous Teain """ so a one in si9 &han%e e$ey 'e.

se&onds o' a .ound .ith no sa$e allo.ed """ .e &ould last a minute o t.o """

Khan:MHmm """ .ith no .ay o' /no.in% .hee inside the ol&ano the /ey is """ .e&annot &han&e it """ .e need a .ay o' pote&tin% ousel$es 'om the heat """

Konrad:MA%ain """ this is .hee .ish ul/an .as .ith us" Ho. do you thin/ he#sdoin%3

Khan:MWith Roboute and Alphaious3 do not .ish to /no." 8y mind must 'o&us on thepoblem at hand" shall meditate """ and let the spiits o' the eath &ommuni&ate .ith

me" Pehaps they shall /no. o' the ans.e see/


23/86

Konrad:MRi%ht """ .ell """ %ood lu&/ .ith that" #ll be o$e hee tyin% to %et a %oodsi%nal on my Wapband" Pehaps &an 6oo%le somethin% """

Khan:MPah

Konrad:M;au%h all you .ant """ ah hee .e ae """ ah """ no """ no %ood """ %uys3 e

calls over to several :ight Lord >arines milling about nearby" MA hand3

Several minutes later, a single :ight Lord >arine stands ato/ a balancing tower of hisbrothers with an aerial in hand' 4onrad calls u/ from below'

Konrad:M6ood !ob %uys) #$e %ot a ston% si%nal hee" No. no one mo$e) !ust need to

6oo%le #la$a pote&tion# """ hmm """ .hy does it etun the se9 li$es o' 'ie elementals3Ah """ hee .e ae """ Protection #rom #ire Level


24/86

hee" They#e loo/in% 'o the 5ish o' Time too

Dorn:MWhat 'o3

/aine:MBest %uesses3 To s.ap 6W and Pi$atee Pess aound so PP stated it all'ist """

Dorn:MWhat3 Why aen#t you .ith them3

/aine:M8e3 li/e bein% the little %uy instead o' the bloated( %eedy &opoation

Dorn:M6ood point """ so you thin/ they#e hee """

/aine:MThe But&he and ,a&he$ ae """ head he#s lined up to be 6alo&/#s opponent

ne9t ound" That is( until you sho.ed up" No. 6alo&/#s tal/in% about a sho.do.nbet.een you %uys and them to see .ho %ets to 'a&e him and .in the Hope ,ey """

Dorn:M see """ a 'i%ht bet.een %amin% systems) %lenches his fist'MBin% it on """

ho will win this titanic clash of awesome warriors of e/ic win une in for the net

cha/ter of Primarchs (which will be a little smaller than this one, ;&m afraid.)'

Russ: 4ammit ;astie3 Can#t you poo'-ead popely3 8y eputation#s at sta/e hee)

agnus: ;i/e anyone &aes """ you#e pobably in denial any.ay """

E """ yeah" 4idn#t ma/e it &lea enou%h thee that Russ .as tal/in% to 5ed as/in% i' she

.as up 'o a theesome 9ith so#eone elsePe'eably 'emale"

Russ:Pe'eably3)3

agnus:4enial """

Russ: #ll %i$e youdenial))

#ll ta/e these t.o a.ay """

Fred:+o e$eyone had a %ood Ne. Yea3

agnus:t .as O,

.erturabo:Passable

Vulkan:8an( #$e seen bette

Fred:Wo. """ .hat#s .ith you %uys3 E$e head o' a little paty &hee3

agnus:8y dea( .hen you#$e seen o$e @(@@@ o' them( anothe yea isn#t mu&h

Fred:Oh """ %ood point" 6uess must seem a little youn% eh3

Ferrus:Pa&ti&ally !ailbait in &ompaison

agnus:What3

Ferrus:0lau%hs2

Dorn:Empeo almi%hty man( it#ll be li/e a motal datin% an e#bryo


25/86

agnus:WHAT3)3

Fred:Rela9( they#e !ust !ealous pe'e the olde( 9isertype o' man ooks her armin >agnus& (and yes, the si5e difference is somewhat disturbing when you rememberwhat >agnus now looks like (hintC *argantuan))' +hall .e lose them3

agnus:Yes( my dea" 4o letsAs they walk off he gives the subtle &; 0ust /ulled& lookto #errus, who returns with the thumbs-u/'

Ferrus:Well """ %uess 8a%nus .on#t be appeain% in today#s &hapte

Dorn:Neithe .ill you( be&ause you t.o ae in the same s&ene

Ferrus: Oh """ &ap

2orus:Enou%h tal/in%) hope e$eyone had a %ood Ne. Yea) K@@Q has ai$ed) Theyea o' the 4aemon) O/) ampie Counts) And possibly th Ed) 5o eal) no. de&lae

Chapte KD """ be%in)

r ''' thanks'

2orus:Anytime" /no. #m !ust a.esome li/e that

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TWENTY NNE*** = = = = = = = =

?he buses are late terminatus' 7our boss not giving you a /ay rise terminatus'-wife hassling you terminatus' ;s there any /roblem terminatus cannot solve ;

have not found one yet? - ;n=uisitor Lord %otea5

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left theirwallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of$etcon and their harbingers, the %&tan'


the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when they


aving tacked 6ile down, orus, Lorgar and Lion l&0onson /re/are to face the infamous6iomancer to gain orus& arms back and restore the former armaster to his fullfighting glory. owever, 6ile throws a s/anner into the words with a shockingdevelo/ment.

%orgar:Ho. &omes Cani'e9es ha$e hi%he +ten%th and Tou%hness than us3

2orus:5o%et that( ho. &omes they %et the same physi&al stats( almost( as a C#tan3

And cost half the /rice

%ion:Be&ause """ 6W """ .ish to sell """ a lot o' them """ ob$iously

2orus:4ude( &ould you &ut that out3 t#s tiin% s/ippin% past all those dots e$ey time &ome to you dialo%ue .hen .e#e eadin% the s&ipts be'oe ehesals


26/86

%ion:You pay attention duin% ehesals( 8-8ethod-A&tin%-s-5o-Wimps3

2orus:#m the bloody Wamaste) 6enius uns thou%h my $eins) People lo$e me:.omen .ant to be .ith me """ and so do the men hal' the time .hi&h is incrediblydistubin% """ but """ but 1"# the bloody 3ar#aster)

%orgar:4uly noted" +o """ Wamaste """ any idea ho. to de'eat the .al/in% bio-tan/s3

%ion:Ho. .ell &an you .ound them3

%orgar:>nli/e you pansy ;oyalists-

2orus:#m not loyal)

%orgar:But you#e still elati$ely Human """ as .as sayin% """ unli/e you %uys too/ ale$el in badass a'te the Heesy - BEHO;4 4AE8ONC +TAT>RE))

%ion:Wo. """ thou%ht they %ot id o' that last Code93

%orgar: didn#t buy it( thee'oe still 'i%ht usin% the old ules" than/ 8a%nus 'o his

inti&ate /no.led%e o' the 'i&/le and badly-.oded la.s o' physi&s that %o$en ouuni$ese)

2orus:+o """ 8" 8onstous Ceatue """ plan on .hoppin% any Cani'e9 ass any timesoon3 O ae .e %oin% to sit hee and tal/ 'o the entie Chapte li/e al.ays3

%ion:We %et some a&tion done

2orus:Tue( but most o' it#s o''-s&een" Ho. did .e es&ape 'om the Ro&/3 don#t/no.( that s&ipt .asn#t .itten

7ou used your bad-ass Primarch skills' hat else

2orus:Ah) O' &ouse" #m a bad-ass Pima&h) Than/s be&ause someho. /eep'o%ettin% that

%orgar:Really3

2orus:No) That .as sa&asm 'ool)

%orgar:#m soy( but you#e %oin% to ha$e to point that out e$ey time you use it"+a&asm doesn#t tanslate .ell on ntenet 'oums """

%ion:Enou%h tal/in%) +omeone %i$e me a Po.e 5ist) !ust ha$e this &appy +.od o'Honest Tuth """

2orus:What the hell does that do3

%ion:The opposite to the othe +.ods - %et -K +ten%th and it i%noes #yAmou+a$es)

2orus:Wo. that su&/s """ .hee did all that %ood 4a/ An%els .a%ea %o3

%ion:As/ e$is


27/86

2orus:Point

%orgar:Ri%ht( Hous( ;ion( stay ba&/) #m about to use &heesy Haines Rules)

2orus:Oh &ap """

%orgar: >+E 4E>+ E 8ACHNA)

A bright light a//ears and engulfs Lorgar, for a moment there is nothing to see but a seaof white, then Lorgar a//ears, dressed in e*i-armour and wielding a huge sword'

%orgar:BEHO;4) THE AR8O>R O5 BEAR4YNE++ AN4 THE +WOR4 O5 CHEE+E) With

these epi& items( 'o%ed by the 6ods o' old and 'o%otten amon%st the da/ depths o'White 4.a'( am blessed .ith a KS e-ollable n$ulneable +a$e( double +ten%th Fto a

ma9imum o' @G( e-oll misses( and REN4N6)

2orus:Not Rendin%)

%orgar:Yes) Rendin%)

2orus:,i&/ thei asses)

%orgar: plan to e lea/s into action' A whirlwind of death and destruction, Lorgardestroys everything in his /ath' ventually the devastation ends, and Lorgar stands

trium/hant'

%ion:Con%atulations( you mana%ed to /ill the Re&eptionist( destoy he des/ and &hai(obliteate he &ompute( /ill the %uy ne9t to he &ayin% the 'iles she as/ed 'o ealie(the old dude sittin% neaby .aitin% 'o his appointment( the mothe and he &hild .ho.as s&eamin% too loudly( the .oman .aitin% 'o he appointment .ho .as pissed o'' by

the /id( the little %il eadin% the &omi& boo/s and he dad .ho .as eadin% his( theteena%e sittin% ne9t to them ma/in% %lan&es at the atta&ti$e .oman sittin% opposite(

said atta&ti$e .oman sittin% opposite and he ao%ant boy'iend( the $i&a sittin% neathem( and the nun beside him( plus all the 'unitue they .ee sittin% on and the postes

on the .all """ yet "" someho. """ T2$S' !%$$D7 /AR,1F';'S AR' ST1%%STA,D1,)

%orgar:What3 Ho.3

%ion:Re%eneation

%orgar:No. that#s !ust not 'ai)

2orus:+ays the %uy usin% the " Ed Chaos Code93

%orgar:Ri%ht """ time to be really&heesy """ >+E THE POWER O5 R>;E+ A+WRTTEN)Pulls out a large book from seemingly nowhere'A&&odin% to paa%aph B(&olumn A( o' the 5i'th Edition Ruleboo/ Re%eneation may be used .hen a .oundin% hitis allo&ated( and


28/86

%orgar:#ll &edit that one to 8a%nus( obsessi$e ules-la.ye he is """ i%ht %uys( .hilethey#e tapped in an in'inite loop o' badly-desi%ned ules( lets 'ind Bile)

!ile:No need( 'o am hee """

%orgar:Bile)

%ion:Bile)))

Vect:Hey) Ho.#s it %oin%3 ;oo/in% %ood)

2orus:Bile) need ams)

!ile:And need a Po.e Weapon( but .e &an#t all ha$e e$eythin% .e .ant """

2orus:Bile( #ll do anythin%( but need to 'i%ht) The uni$ese depends on me)

!ile:Then .e ha$e ousel$es a little situation" +ee """ #m not happy that E11ie too/

you dead body a.ay 'om me and destoyed all my &lones o' you( uinin% my little#Hous +hine# in the po&ess

2orus:Wait """ #Hous +hine#3

!ile:Oh yes """ e o/ens his lab coat to reveal a &; A$E 8$9S.& -shirt

underneath' am the 'oundin% membe o' the #Hous Appe&iation 6uild#( those &lones.ee %oin% to be membeship %i'ts 'o ne. membes """ but then E11ie uined all that)

2orus:Oh """ so """ .hat do you .ant 'om me3

!ile:vil grin' .ant an e9&lusi$e t.o-hou inte$ie. .ith e$eyone#s 'a$ouite

Pima&h) #ll pod&ast it on my HA6 site 'o all HA6 membes to do.nload and play onthei iPods) #ll &ondu&t a li$e LUA 'o all you 'ans to Astopath in t9t messa%es .ith

thei


29/86


the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when theywere young (and without their undying servants) - the #ish of ime.

As the galay slowly s/irals into a war unlike any others (buy your summer cam/aignmerchandise from all good * stores near you.), a small au out/ost in the astern#ringe casually goes about its business as normal, unaware three immensely /owerfulbeings and their elite s=uads of genetically engineered warriors have infiltrated the base

in clever disguise '''

Tau unitions $fficer: #ll need you to &he&/ in that amou at the depot( si

Roboute:What3 mean """ o' &ouse &omade) Ho.e$e( thee seems to be a poblem.ith the &at&h elease( &an#t %et it o''" s thee a medi&al bay .hee &an %etteatment 'o a &omade#s .ounds3

Tau unitions $fficer: No poblem( #ll !ust %et a plasma &utte and you#ll be out o'thee in no time-

Roboute:NO) mean """ ahem """ &omade( #m deathly alle%i& to plasma) A .hi'' o'

the stu'' and %o do.n li/e a dun/ %o9)

Tau unitions $fficer: A dun/ .hat3

Roboute:Oh( thou%ht that .as a uni$esal !o/e3 What#s ou e


30/86

se&ets

Roboute:What3 ey ni&e &omade)

Alpharious:""" Rob """ it#s me """ Alphaious """

Roboute:Ho. do /no. that3 Ho. do /no. you#e not a Tau dis%uised as a Pima&hdis%uised as a Cisis +uit3

Alpharious:Pehaps #m a Pima&h dis%uised as a Tau dis%uised as a Pima&h

dis%uised as a Cisis +uit( e$e thou%ht that3

Roboute:That ma/es sense" +o( bothe Alphaious3 Ho. %oes the intel-%athein%3

Alpharious:""" %ood """ yeah """ %ood

Roboute:Whee is the ,ey .e sea&h 'o then3

Alpharious: +till .o/in% on that one

Roboute:Really3 You#e not $ey %ood at this ae you3

Alpharious:""" ob$iously not" ;oo/( #$e head the matial bun/s ae a %ood pla&e tostat" 6o and &hat aound thee

Roboute:+ue( %ood idea)

$oboute wanders off as +ulkan a//roaches Al/harious, he too is disguised as a %risisSuit'

Vulkan:Whee did you send him3

Alpharious:A.ay" No.( #$e %ot these s&hemati&s" They detail in'omation about e$ey'loo in the 'otess e9&ept 'o those o' BK and lo.e( .hi&h ae unma/ed

Vulkan:You thin/ the ,ey#s do.n thee3

Alpharious:#$e .at&hed enou%h 'ilms to see blatant Plot Points .hen they appea"This has +e&et >nde%ound Base .itten all o$e it" Touble is %ettin% do.n thee """

Vulkan:Hi%h se&uity3

Alpharious:And then some """ .e need /ey &ads Alpha( Beta( 6amma( Chalie(Wilson( Bob( and 4ee/ to %et in !ust the 'ist %ate" The se&ond#s e$en hade """

Vulkan:8oe /ey &ads3

Alpharious:No( %et 6W to elease de&ent 5ALs

Vulkan:Ou&h" That#ll be ti&/y

Alpharious:Well """ one thin% at a time" 5ist .e need those /ey &ads" No.

mana%ed to %et 4ee/ 'om a 5ie Waio by mentionin% the 6eate 6ood( but doubtthat .ill .o/ a se&ond time """

Vulkan:No """ this .ill be ti&/y """


31/86

Roboute:Hey %uys( loo/ .hat 'ound) Cool little plasti& dis&s .ith #Alpha#( #Beta#(#6amma#( #Chalie#( #Wilson# and #Bob# .itten on them """

Stunned silence'

Alpharious:Roboute """ ho. the **** did you mana%e to do somethin% &onstu&ti$e

.ith you li'e3

Roboute:Hey man """ #m li/e """ the +mu' Pimp)

Alpharious:That#s not eally a %ood title to ha$e Rob

Roboute:But Pimps ae &ool)

Alpharious:We ty not to endose postitution hee """

Roboute:What has that %ot to do .ith Pimps3

Alpharious:""" Rob """ do you a&tually understandhal' the thin%s you say3

Roboute:Why .ouldn#t 3 #m a Pima&h) ha$e( li/e( %eneti&al-/no.led%e-thin%ies inme)

Alpharious:You .ee dopped on the head .hile a test tube .een#t you3

Roboute:Eh3

Vulkan:;ea$e him be( Alphaious" Rob has moe impotant thin%s to .oy about( li/ema/in% sue he /eeps beathin%

Alpharious:5ai enou%h" +o( .e ha$e all the /eys 'o the 'ist %ate" That lea$es these&ond( and ho. to %et 6W to elease 5ALs .ithin 'i$e yeas o' a Code9#s publi&ation """

Roboute:Oh that#s easy" Tell them &hi&/s di% 5ALs

Alpharious:Yeah Rob( .hate$- """ .ait """ that &ould be &a1y enou%h to .o/ """

#ifteen minutes and one /hone call later'

Alpharious:Well that .as ema/ably easy" Con%atulations Rob( my opinion o' youhas totally &han%ed than/s to t.o ema/ably de&ent pe'oman&es thee

Roboute:Oh yeah) Rob#s in da house)

Alpharious:Yes """ .ell you /no. my opinion o' you3 t#s e$eted

Roboute:t#s %ot bette3)3

Alpharious:""" yes Rob """ yes """ it has indeed %ot bette """ in ne%ati$ity

Roboute:Who#s da man)

Alpharious:Can .e s&ene-&han%e no.3 Please3 Be'oe /ill him3

Vulkan:n the same .ay he #/illed# you3

Alpharious:No( be&ause unli/e Rob( #m a&tually %ood at this #bein% a %eneti&ally


32/86

en%ineeed supehuman# thin%

Vulkan:You sided .ith Chaos( belie$e that $oids all you i%hts to bea opinions

Alpharious:When %et 4aemoni& 6i'ts3 belie$e #m happy .ith that tade """

Vulkan:What3 Oh 6od-damn &heesy Chaos .a%ea)

Alpharious:Enou%h tal/" ;ets %et ou &olle&ti$e asses do.nstais and 'ind out .hatthese Tau ae /eepin% lo&/ed up in thei basement

Vulkan:Who .ants to bet it#s nothin% %ood3

Alpharious:#ll bet you it#s as li/ely as some andom Tanith dyin% at the end o' the

ne9t 6aunt#s 6host boo/

Vulkan: li/e it .hen thin%s ae &etain """ lets oll ladies)

hey head down into the lower floors of the fortress '''

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THRTY ONE*** = = = = = = = =

?; don&t care if you have an iron-cast aliby, twenty witnesses all swearing you never didthe deed, and forensic evidence of your innocence - it /roves nothing.. :othing ; say..? -;n=uisitor Lord %otea5

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their

wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of


aving divided into si teams to locate and recover the si keys for the *ates of +arlcarelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch %arl of the leventh Legion,the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the only

canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when theywere young (and without their undying servants) - the #ish of ime.

%orgar:;oo/( is it eally ne&essay to epeat all this everytime .e ha$e a ne.&hapte3

ell, if 6L insist on /utting those /aragra/hs at the beginning of every6L book (and

you know the ones) '''

2orus:4ude """ issues """

8h =uiet' 7ou&re not in this cha/ter anyway '''

Vulkan:4amn stai%ht)

!acking /hoir:Who#s that Pima&h .ho smites all the heeti&s3 >;,AN)

Vulkan:You /no. it baby """

%ontinuing from last cha/ter '''

Vulkan:+o """ any ideas3


33/86

Alpharious: ha$e to admit """ didn#t


34/86

Alpharious:+uitably damati&( but you don#t ha$e to 'ool anyone" The >ltamaines.ith us %ot lost a &ouple o' 'loos up and ha$en#t seen them sin&e

Vulkan:Oh """ in .hi&h &ase7 4A88T ROB) WANTE4 TO >8P THRO>6H THEPORTA; AN4 ,C, NECRON A++ ON THER HO8E T>R5))

Alpharious:Ri%ht """ %uess that tho.s dealin% .ith this 8onolith into a ne. li%ht """

Vulkan:Easy """

+ulkan /unches the >onolith' ;t crashes to the ground and the giant crystal ato/ dims'

Alpharious:n the .ods o' 5eus 8anus """ double-e.e tee e'' arines (disguised as Stealth Suits)' +pead out """ 'ind any su$i$os" We need Eath

Caste s&ientists

Space arines in disguise): 5OR THE E8PERORVCHAO+V4E;ETE A+APPROPRATE)

Alpharious:E """ yeah """

Vulkan: 'ound one)

+ulkan lifts u/ a heavy bank of alien com/uters to reveal a au cowering beneath'

'arth /aste Scientist:P;EA+E) 4ON#T H>RT 8E)

Vulkan:4o not .oy dity 9enos """ today you li$e( 'o .e need one .ith yous s/ills

Alpharious:We need you to %et the potal up and unnin%" Can you do that3

'arth /aste Scientist:P-p-pehaps """

Alpharious:#m %oin% to petend that last ans.e .as #absolutely# and .e#ll oll .iththat """ O,3

'arth /aste Scientist:O-o-o-/ """

Alpharious:#Ooo/#3 We#e o/eao no.3

'arth /aste Scientist: --)))

Vulkan:What#s that smell3

Alpharious: seem to ha$e made him piss himsel' """ i%ht - it#s settled" We#e &allin%you Ota&on)

$tacon:W-.-.hat3

= = = = = = = =


35/86

>eanwhile, half-way across the galay '''

Fulgri#:8aybe i' .e bibed it3

Sanguinius:With .hat3

Fulgri#:8embeship a&&ounts .ith ma!o online pon and hentai %oups3

Sanguinius: don#t ha$e any) Not that belie$e it .ould .o/ any.ay """

Fulgri#:Oh o' &ouse """ and last ni%ht you .ee """ .hat3

Sanguinius:That .as an a&&ident) .anted some bibles .ith a bla&/ &o$e """

Fulgri#:A li/ely stoy)

%la#a:4o you t.o mind3

Sanguinius:Any.ay( that#s a point """ 8otaion( .hat the hell ae you doin% .ith a;lama3

ortarion: met him a ba( he didn#t e!e&t me """ li/e you %uys """

Fulgri#:Oh %o &y us a i$e o' puss emo boy

ortarion:;et it be /no.n that at some sta%e in this stoy shall be you only hope o'%ettin% out o' a sti&/y situation) t#s only the &lassi& .ay o' edemption)

Sanguinius:Yeah """ but this is a parody8ot" t e9ists to ma/e 'un o' stoy topesli/e that

ortarion:Oh """ bu%%e

'v"rii:4on#t .oy dea( belie$e in you

Sanguinius:And .hat ae the t.o andom 4aemonettes doin% hee3

Ka"ndii:We#e not #andom#)

Fulgri#:At least they#e both the old metal ones" We lost the ne. plasti& #nettes ba&/.ith the ,eepe o' +e&ets """

Sanguinius:6ood ods.ill that thin% not die3)3

Fulgri#:6ods3 +an%uinius sin&e .hen .ee you eli%ious3

Sanguinius:#$e been han%in% aound you too lon%( that#s the poblem """

Suddenly the wall bursts down '''

Keeper of Secrets:#$e 'ound you Pima&hs))

Fulgri#:CRAP)

he 4ee/er of Secrets lunges forwards ''' then colla/ses and dies' An armoured figure/ulls out his sword from the back of the Daemon&s head'


36/86

alekith:4amn" t#ll ta/e agesto %et 4aemon blood o'' my s.od """ oh """ moePima&hs3

Stunned silence'

Sanguinius:Wait """ aen#t you the %uy .ho#s s&e.in% his o.n mum3

alekith:Oh 'o the lo$e o' """ &an people !ust please%i$e that a est3)3

= = = = = = ***CHAPTER THRTY TWO*** = = = = = = = =?e ldar have gotten used to being screwed over by * at every o//ortunity, to the

/oint where we, in our infinite arrogance, believe that only wecan do &getting screwed

over& instyle' he S=uats Pah, the stunties couldn&t get eaten by yranids /ro/erly ifthey were given a guidebook with foot-high /ictures, and annotated wit/ designer's

notes? - ldrad 9lthran


Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of$etcon and their harbingers, the %&tan'


the #ear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the %&tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star *ods when they


Aboard 5ekyle Abaddon&s flagshi/, the en%e'ul +piit , our su//orting cast mill aboutand wonder what to do with their lives while our realheroes go about saving Li0e As

e "now #t.

'ldrad:;i/e hell .ill" Taldee( is the WRC &hannel established3

Taldeer:Yes Eldad( you ha$e modeato pi$ile%es

'ldrad:E9&ellent( si%n me in

Torgaddon:+o """ .hat is all this3 e gestures around the room at the various/sykers /ositioned in a heagram, all of them silently chanting to themselves as war/-stuff leaks out of eyes and mouths'

'ldrad:Oh( a Wap Relay Chat &hannel - WRC" .ant to /no. ho. you Pima&hs aedoin% and this is the best .ay

Torgaddon:Oh """ a.esome

Abaddon:is face a//ears sus/ended above the floor at the centre of the heagram'E9&use Tai/( the millennia ha$e not been /ind to .hat little intelli%en&e he possessedbe'oe the #Heesy#

Torgaddon:That#s not ni&e E11ie)

Abaddon:And stop &allin% me that) t .as bad enou%h .hen .as %i$en a 'ist name(

ho. ae people supposed to ta/e me seiously as the destoye o' .olds - The 4espoile- .hen ha$e a ni&/name)


37/86

'ldrad:Hea$en 'obid you should be %i$en a thee dimensional &haa&te """

Abaddon:E9a&tly)

orus, Lorgar, and the Lion sign on' heir faces a//earing beside 5- ; mean '''Abaddon&s'

2orus: What#s up3

Abaddon:Please my lod( it#s bad enou%h .hen simple 8aines use su&h $ul%a

moden-day- e looks at you'-to you %uys at least - teminolo%y( but 'o a .ri#archto use it)

2orus:8y apolo%ies """ so .hat#s up peeps3

Abaddon:#ace/alms

'ldrad:Hous( .hat#s the situation .ith you sea&h3

2orus:We#e a little sideta&/ed 'i9in% my ams

%orgar:And be'oe that .e %ot sideta&/ed e$en moe sa$in% ;ion 'om 8oo%les

'ldrad:5om 9hat*)*

%orgar:8oo%les( you /no.( those unbeaably &ute bea thin%s .ith the dan%lin% pom-poms 'om #inal #antasy3

'ldrad:8y 6ods """ it#s be%un) The ;e%ion o' Cute)

Dorn, Perturabo and %ora also a//ear'

Dorn:t#s .ose than that( Pi$atee Pess ae attemptin% a 'lu'' ta/eo$e

.erturabo:They#$e sent thei %eatest .aios to tea&h us ho. to 'i%ht .ith balls( osomethin% """

Torgaddon:Wo. """ thin/ they#e in denial o$e somethin%3

'ldrad:When the o''i&ial &ompany slo%an is #Play li/e you#$e %ot a pai3# thin/ theyha$e issues """

/ora0:That doesn#t matte i' .e don#t beat them) They ha$e a bette-.itten uleset)

2orus:But .e ha$e a ba&/%ound made o' a.esome """ and .in) While thei#s has$illains &olou-&oded 'o ease o' moal e'een&e

%ion:But isn#t that happenin% no.3 With the ne. HH stu''" The %ey is disappeain%(%ood and e$il ae be&omin% ob$ious and .e#e dessin% to style ousel$es .ith moalali%nments """

'ldrad:t is a da/ hou 'o the da/ millennium """ the insanity is bein% epla&ed by

&haa&tes .ho demonstate 'i%htenin% sanity) t stated .ith 6aunt - a niceCommissa - no. it spead to the Astates .ith """ /ind >ltamaine Captains """

2orus:Althou%h to be 'ai the >ltamaines .ee al.ays pansies """


38/86

'ldrad:And no. my people ae bein% potayed as &hild molestes moe inteested in'i%htin% amon%st ousel$es than the 6eat Enemy)

Slaanesh:You &alled3

'ldrad: .as tal/in% about 6oto

Slaanesh:Oh damn him) t .as 'un .hen .as the only one you people hated """ it.as /inda aou-

%orgar: Lui&/ly &han%in% the sub!e&t-

Al/harius and +ulkan sign in'

Alpharius:We#$e lost Rob)

2orus:4ammit) told you to /eep him in his baby haness)

Alpharius:he#s a bi% boy no. Hous( thou%ht &ould tust him to notdestoy theuni$ese as .e /no. it-

Dorn:O s&e. up ou ;e%ions .ith his etaded ulesets """

Alpharius:-but he stepped thou%h a 8onolith potal about an hou a%o

2orus:WHAT3)3 Thee#s no tellin% .hee he is no.)

'ldrad: /no. """

2orus:Oh o' &ouse you do """ you#e a 5asee) Pe&o%nition and &ap

'ldrad:He#s .ith the Outside """ it#s not pe&o%nition( it#s &ommon sense" He#s the only

C#tan .e ha$en#t seen yet in this stoy """

Alpharius:By the 6ods """ Rob .ith the Outside3)3)

here&s silence '''

2orus:8an """ %otta 'eel soy 'o that C#tan """

'ldrad:A%eed" ;et him stay thee 'o a .hile and /eep the mad %od busy

>agnus, #errus and Leman a//ear'

'ldrad:Ah( and ho. is e$eythin%3

%e#an:Well( #$e %ot a 5****** AWE+O8E s.od( 8a%nus 'ound some Elda DFDsupplements( and 5eus has 'ound himsel' the pe'e&t band.idth-

Ferrus:QKTbps)) Oh baby)))

agnus:And ha$e sohoo/ed up .ith the pe'e&t %il- smat( hot( lo$es the %ee/y

stu'' """ oh """ and is bi

2orus:Why you !ammy little son o' a-3' 1,T'RR+.T 7$+R +S+A% .R$RA' T$ !R1, 7$+ T21S .'RF'/T%7

2AR%'SS /$'R/1A% RAT'D S+1TA!%' F$R A%% !7 T2' 1.'R1A% !$ARD


39/86

$F F1% /%ASS1F1/AT1$,:

%ittle =i##y:8ummy( .hen %o. up( &an be a +pa&e 8aine3

u##y: don#t /no. ;ittle immy( lets tal/ to Captain >iel entis about bein% a+pa&e 8aine

+riel Ventris:Well little immy( .hen you#e &hosen by the Chapte you#ll unde%othity yeas o' intensi$e psy&hoindo&tination( %ene theapy( hypnosis( and &ellula

estu&tuin%" Q@ o' +pa&e 8aine appli&ations .ill die in thei 'ist 'i$e yeas(

su''e e9teme side e''e&ts esultin% in thei immediate li


40/86

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THRTY THREE*** = = = = = = = =


Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to




e re0oin our heroes aboard the en%e'ul +piit """

2orus:Te&lis))

Teclis: do belie$e that#s my name 0&ou%h2 """ su&h a pleasue to meet the %eat0&ou%h2 a%ain

2orus:You ali%ht3

Teclis:A mild &ase o' 0ha&/2 """ should &lea up .hen the 0&ou%h2 %oes do.n

0.hee12

%orgar:+o """ is he %oin% to dop dead on us anytime soon3 Be&ause don#t .ant anyElda 'ans .itin% in &laimin% .e#e no bette than 6otto-

'ldrad:4o not spea/ the name o' the 6eat Enemy))

Slaanesh:Yes dea3

'ldrad:Oh shut up) You /no. #m not tal/in% about you)

Slaanesh:That#s not .hat you said this monin% in bed """

Awkward silence '''

2orus:;ets petend .e didn#t hea that and &ontinue """ O,3

'ldrad:Please do

Fulgri#:Oh &an#t .e tal/ about Eldad#s se-

Sanguinius:No" ha$e 8ale/ith hee( shall si%n him on3

Teclis:;ets hea .hat the 0&ou%h2 4u&hii has to say about 0.hee12

%ion:s he %oin% to do that all the time be&ause it#s hi%hly iitatin%

Teclis:Oh %o /ill some 'lo.e selles you .hite-haied petty boy)

%ion: ta/e o''en&e 'om that" #ll ha$e you /no. am in&edibly manly) am a man#s

man) ha$e moe testosteone than Rambo and a&/ Bau &ombined) #8 8OREHAR4CORE THAN CH>C, NORR+)


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Lion&s image disa//ears in a flash of AS8> L;*...

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): NO ONE + 8ORE HAR4CORE THAN CH>C, NORR+)PWNE4 5OR HERE+Y BEYON4 4E+CRPTON) Ri%ht %uys( &ay on .ith the stoy" 8eand 4a%on hee ae !ust &at&hin% up on Seinfield"""

'ldrad:E """ yeah """ O," +an%uinius( please si%h 8ale/ith on

>alekith&s image a//ears'

alekith:6eetin%s

Teclis:;oo/ 'ol/s 0&ou%h2 """ it#s mummy#s boy)

*eneral laughter all round'

alekith:Ha ha """ $ey 'unny """ at least #m %ettin% some""" hea you ae sea&hin% 'o

the 5ish o' Time3

'ldrad:That is &oe&t" You /no. o' the 5ish3

alekith:Who doesn#t3 The po.e to ta$el ba&/ in time to any point in the established&anon) The .ondes one &ould do) The dama%e you &ould in'li&t """ it#s beyond measue)

2orus:4o you see/ the 5ish also3

alekith: see/ my mothe-

*eneral sniggering all round'

alekith:Oh &ut that out) Ho. many o' you &an &laim to be in a elationship3

'ldrad: Well """

agnus:ust stated

Angron: +he#s pe'e&t) An%y li/e me)

%orgar: ha$e to 'inish this


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2orus:+he#s a va#pire3)3)

Abaddon:Appaently" That o she eally li/es to dess up in %oth &lothes and hasalle%ies to %ali& 'o &oin&idental easons """

%orgar:Wo. """ that e9plains the Bla&/ Cusades7 you#e tyin% to %et a.ay 'om he)

Abaddon:Not eally """ they#e !ust holidays """ men#s bea/-style holidays """ !ust meand the lads """ bunin% the %ala9y 'o the .ee/end """ you /no.

%orgar:,no. the 'eelin% """

Dorn:Wait """ so the &usades .hee !ust a elease 'o you multiple mid-li'e &isis3

Abaddon:That#s one .ay o' puttin% it """

2orus:+o .hat#s it li/e bein% maied to a $ampie3

Abaddon:4ainin%( she#ll su&/ the li'e out o' you """

2orus:E1e/yle """ .as that attempt at humou3

Torgaddon: do belie$e #$e !ust seen a 'lyin% pi%)

Fulgri#:No( that#s !ust +an%uinius

*eneral laughter all round'

Sanguinius:WHAT3)3)

alekith:#m %lad someone else is the butt o' all !o/es """

2orus:We#ll be %ettin% ba&/ to you late

alekith:Oh !oy """

'ldrad:+o to sum this soy state o' a''ais """ has anyone'ound a /ey3

Konrad:We ha$e """ and .e 'ound Cal

2orus:Oh ho. is he3

Konrad:+toned

2orus:5i%ues """

'ldrad: .on#t bothe as/in% i' he &ould %i$e us a hand then """ ho.e$e Te&lis is hee(and .ith his help .e#$e established the WRC" This should /eep e$eyone up to speed-

2orus:Oh damn """ ,onad .on the bet

Konrad:Oh yeah) Pay up 'ol/s) Pay the Ni%ht Haunte his due)

.erturabo:Bloody hell """ and !ust spent all my money on a ne. indi ;inebea/es


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agnus:Well that#ll tea&h you to spend all you money on plasti& models """

Abaddon:Wish had money to spend on a hobby """ Ella /eeps spendin% all o' ous onne. &lothes """

2orus:Who3

Abaddon:8y $ampie .i'e( do /eep up

2orus:+oy """

.erturabo:Hous """ did you !ust apolo%ise to you 5ist Company Captain3

Abaddon:Hell yeah( and it .as lon% o$edue)

2orus:You .on#t be %ettin% anothe one 'o the ne9t ten thousand yeas """

Abaddon:Oh they#e .oth it """ they#e .oth it """ han% on - #$e %ot to &all Ella and

tell he .hat#s happened """

2orus:Oh 'o the lo$e o' """

'ldrad:Ho. many moe &haptes is this meetin% %oin% to de$oue3

agnus:With my bothes( do you eally .ant to as/ that3

'ldrad:#ll %et &om'otable """

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THRTY 5O>R*** = = = = = = = =

?Dude ''' what ha//ened? - S=uat Lord /ost-@rd d

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left theirwallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to



were young (and without their undying servants) - $ick Priestly&s La/to/..

%orgar:Wait """ .hat .as that3

ah. ; knew someone was still reading the co/y/asta intro.

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): Well didn#t( and 'o ma/in% me loo/ li/e a 'ool and s&an

ba&/.ads to see .hat the hell ;o%a .as on about - REECTE4)

>assive burst of /sychic energy consumes Lastie'

Dorn:What happened3

%orgar:4ad !ust destoyed the naato a%ain


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'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): .as !ust loo/in% 'o an e9&use( #$e been eadin% his postso$e in the ?@, Ba&/%ound 'oum) 7$+ DAR' !%AS.2'' AA1,ST '*)*

8uch ''' that hurt ''' thank *od for Author&s Saving hrow (2G e *et o Do Anythinge ant Save) '''

'.'R$R $F A,K1,D): 8eh" This isn#t o$e) Not by a lon% shot) Wat&h youba&/ """ 'o my s.od is shap and 'lamey and &o$eed in &heese) 8y amou is %old andshiny """ $ey shiny """ .hi&h .ill hut you eyes and %uide my blade) Wat&h you-hem/eror&s voice trails away as his *olden heelchair is led away by >alcador the Sigilite

'''

%orgar:Oh than/ the 6ods 'o that """ i%ht( shall .e- he theme tune for C+7 8iami/lays from his /ocket'-oh """ hold on %uys """ e /ulls out a mobile ar/-/hone'

Dorn: Neat in%tone """

%orgar:What3 Oh hello dea """ em """ &an this .ait3 5ood#s %ettin% &old3 Well #m

soy the


45/86

Abaddon:ndeed" 'ea the +ie%e o' Tea has 'ailed be'oe it has e$en be%un)

'ldrad:This is sad ne.s indeed """ Taldee """ need spea/ to Yiel """

Taldeer:O' &ouse si

She mutters something, then 9riel +entris a//ears'

+riel:Hello3 Anythin% &an do 'o you %uys3 Can .e ma/e this shot3 6aham 8&Neil

.ants me ba&/ 'o my ne. boo/ """

'ldrad:Taldee( ha$e you still %ot shapnel embedded in you eas3 as/ed 'o 7riel(not +riel)

Taldeer:Oh """ him """ soy """

She mutters something else, and 9riel +entris disa//ears to be re/laced by everyone&s

favourite ldar /irate'

7riel:Hey) Eldad) Dude);on% time no see)

'ldrad: .onde .hy """ loo/( .ouldn#t &all you and su''e you annyin% Path-'eeattitude to li'e .ithout a eason7 the +ie%e o' Tea has 'alteed due to the 4e&ei$e#s

use o' #altenati$e measues#" We need someone .ho &an en!oy din/( du%s and o&/and oll .ithout 'o%ettin% the mission

7riel:That#s me) #m you man)

'ldrad: /no. """ un'otunately """ loo/ %o slap those mpeials ba&/ onto ta&/ 'o us(

please3

7riel:+ue( mind i' ta/e a 'e. 'iends 'o help3 They %ot .itten out o' the ne. EldaCode9( so they#e 'eelin% /inda do.n at the moment

'ldrad:+ue """ .hate$e

7riel:Chees man)

7riel disa//ears'

'ldrad:Ri%ht( that#s that poblem hope'ully soted" ul/an and Alphaius - &ontinue

you sea&h 'o the ,ey" Roboute 6uilliman &an endue the hospitality o' the Ne&ontyuntil .e obtain the po.es o' the 5ish o' Time

Vulkan:#m sue he#ll be disappointed to miss out on the a&tion

Alpharius:With any lu&/ Rob and the Outside .ill destoy ea&h othe in a &lash o'insanities """

Dorn:We &an but hope """

'ldrad:4on( you Petuabo and Coa9 must de'eat these in'iltatos 'omWAR8ACHNE and obtain the /ey( ae you up to this tas/3

.erturabo: .as bon eady" We#ll sho. those #plasti& is 'o .imps# idiots .ho#s boss)


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'ldrad:E9&ellent" The est o' you /no. .hat to do-

2orus:E9&use me" Not to sound un%ate'ul """ but 32$ T2' 2'%% D$ 7$+ T21,K7$+ AR' ;',$S T$ $RD'R +S .R1AR/2S*)*)

'ldrad:The %uy .ho /no.s .hat you did last summe

2orus:You mean .ith the """ in the """ .ith """ in$ol$in% """ and &ustad3

'ldrad7 :ods'

2orus:O, %uys """ you head the 9enos) Roll out) Pima&h-style)

Dorn:nset pumped-up team &y hee

2orus:ndeed

he images =uickly all vanish, ece/t for Abaddon'

Abaddon:One


47/86

Taldeer:P8T-POWERE4 P+YCHC E;4RTCH B;A+T)))

orgaddon dissolves in an aura of /sychic energy'

'ldrad:ndeed" The Elda Empie .ill not 'all( the mpeium o' 8an .ill not e9ist( and

Chaos .ill be a small e&ho in the Wap" E$eyone .ins """ .ell """ !ust us Elda suppose """

Taldeer:Phase K3

'ldrad:Phase K

Taldeer:+hall %et the &heese and &a&/es to &elebate3

'ldrad:Yes """ do 'an&y some &heese i%ht no.

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THRTY 5E*** = = = = = = = =

?:o one truly hates 6lood Angels, even the modest hardened anti-6A fan will admit that>e/histon is teh awesomeness? H Anon

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left theirwallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of




ith orgaddon&s death ldrad&s horrifying ''' ah who am ; kidding ; love ldar - ldrad&sAS8> /lan to erase the ;m/erium from histroy continues' 6lissfully ignorant of the

huge tem/oral blunder they are striving to create, our heroes continue their =uest forthe si 4eys of %arl' aving been saved from un/leasant (but =uite /robably

/leasurable) death at the hands of the 4ee/er of Secrets, #ulgrim, Sanguinius and>ortarion confront their saviour - the itch 4ing >alekith.

alekith: disli/e that tem( pe'e #+el'-appointed 6eneal Chie' 8ana%e o' AllA''ais#( the PR depatment assue me it .ill sound less theatenin%

Sanguinius:And you .ant to sound less theatenin% because3

alekith:+in&e a %eneal su$ey dis&o$eed that opeatin% an entie nation on thepin&iple o' sel'ish %eed and piati&al aidin% &annot sustain both the population and an

e$e-pesent state o' .a .ith ou nei%hbouin% &ounty o' >lthuan" +imply put( .eneeded to &ondu&t tade .ith ou nei%hbous to ensue 'utue 'inan&ial and e&onomi&

su$i$al

Fulgri#:Wait """ so you .ant to be&ome civilised*

alekith:Well """ that .ould be atem 'o it """ yes

Sanguinius:You do ealise that ules out in&est in most de'initions o' the tem#&i$ilised#3


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alekith:Pauses for thought'We#ll be a free-thinking&i$ilised &ounty

Sanguinius:You#e hopeless( get a girlfriend

Fulgri#:;et me %uess - no one .ill e$e be as %ood as mothe3

Sanguinius:8ut of the corner of his mouth'n bed

alekith:t#s not that( she /eeps /illin% all the %ils date """

Sanguinius:What to do .hen you #other"syou psy&ho &lin%y %il'iend .ho .on#t

let you dump he """

alekith: don#t /no. .hat to do)

Fulgri#:And yet you#e hee loo/in% 'o he3

alekith: haveto tell he it#s o$e bet.een us" ha$e to stand up 'o mysel')

Sanguinius:ndeed) Well spo/en) A 'ine statement to ma/e) And - e cla/s >alekithon a shoulder'-Pima&h +an%uinius o' the Blood An%els ;e%ion shall endea$e to assist

you in this alekith'

Sanguinius: 5ist .e need to .o/ on a ba&/bone """ 8otaion) +tep 'o.ad)

ortarion:What3 8e3

Sanguinius:Looking around' don#t thin/ anyone else in this %ala9y is &alled

8otaion" Heoes %et uni


49/86

ortarion: don#t ha$e to ha$e se9 .ith him( i%ht3

alekith:%ringes'

Sanguinius:Sighs'No 8ot( you don#t need to ha$e se9 .ith him" ust stand thee and

don#t say anythin% don#t tell you to say

Fulgri#:4ude( &ut it out .ith the double ne%ati$es" t#s not pe'e&t %amma

Sanguinius: apologiseoh He Who 8ust Ha$e E$eythin% Pe'e&t

Fulgri#:And sa&asm is the lo.est 'om o' .it" That#s not pe-

Sanguinius:Oh do be ortarion rolls his eyes'All i%ht) Topo$e to you ho. nota'aid am to &omit( shall 'ind a %ood .oman 'o mysel' andmay he)

ortarion:What3 No.3

Sanguinius:Yes) No.)

>ortarion /oints to the two Daemonettes'

Sanguinius:Why not3 You thee

'v"rii:Who3 8e3 #m soy """ li/e you """ you#e se9y and all that """ but 8ot#s s """ so


50/86

""" in touch with his emotions

Sanguinius:What3 Oh """ O, """ ho. about you3

Ka"ndii:+oy( pe'e handsome o$e thee She /oints at #ulgrim, who smilessmugly'

Sanguinius:This seiously isn#t helpin% my &ase """ 'ine then" ,no. anyone 8ale/ith3

alekith:Well """

he doors burst o/en, and two lithe lven women s/iral through, swords in hand'

,aestra: 8ale/ith) We#$e 'ound you)

Arahan:Pepae to 'a&e !ud%ement)

,aestra:5o the sins you#$e &ommited)

Arahan:A%ainst the 'oest)

alekith:""" them3

Sanguinius:E9&ellent) #ll ta/e both)

ephiston:;et us shae them e:SS and vast amounts of ;:'Sheer energy crackles off of him, and none who ga5e u/on his /erfect form can doubthow P;% this guy is-

Fulgri#:All i%ht( that#s enou%h des&ipti$e te9t" What ae you( in lo$e .ith this %uy osomethin%3

; 0ust think >e/histon&s an awesome character ''' wish Ahriman was as good as him '''

sniffE

Fulgri#:$olls his eyes'

Sanguinius:+o you ae the one &alled 8ephiston - ;od o' 4eath) Ni&e name

ephiston:Than/ you my ;od)

Sanguinius:Ni&e stats """ bloody hell you#e pa&ti&ally a Pima&h)

ephiston:#tis but a mee White 4.a' Chapte Appo$ed ati&le """

Sanguinius:+&e. that - 'inally someone &an &onside an e


51/86

,aestra:What3

Arahan:Well """

,aestra:+iste """ .e a%eed that the mission ta/es pioity """

Arahan:+&e. the mission - #$e ha$en#t %ot laid in ages)

,aestra:+iste """

Sanguinius:You head the lady) 6lad ented that e9ta oom """

alekith:What about my poblem3

Sanguinius: +&e. you poblems - #m %ettin% some) ra/s an arm around Arahan'+o """ 'om W5B as .ell3

Arahan:Wood El'

Sanguinius:The 'iesty /ind """ likethat """

hey wander off, leaving the rest in a state of mild amusement' ce/t >alekith'

alekith:The .in%ed ****** """

ortarion:Yeah """ he did that to my %il'iends as .ell """

Fulgri#:That pobably e9plains you mental state """ but you#$e %ot he- e nods atv&rii" -no.( so &hee up emo /id

ortarion:Yeah """ happiness """

,aestra:Whate$e - 8ale/ith) By the .ill o' Aiel shall-

ephiston:ransfiing *a5e""" that#s not a %ood idea( my dea """

,aestra:ransfied" That#s """ not """ a %ood """ idea

ephiston:;et us etie to anothe oom

,aestra:Yes """ lets

>e/histon guides her away out of the room '''

Fulgri#:No. that#s 'om the Asdrubael Vects&hool o' sedu&tion """

alekith:Thin/ pe'e that /ind

Fulgri#:You .ould

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER THRTY +*** = = = = = = = =?he ldar Shuriken %ata/ult is the most advanced /ersonal firearms in the galayIshorter range than the 6oltgun, less reliable than the Shoota, not as fleible as the

#leshborer, and with less armour /enetration than the *auss #layer, the Shuriken%ata/ult is su/erior to all those' hy 6ecause it&s Eldar ) sto/ arguing.? - $andom

Autarch


52/86

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their

wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces tocombat the greatest evil known to the arhammer !",""" universe - the #orces of$etcon and their harbingers, the %&tan'



As our heroes en0oy the hos/itality of #abius 6ile, tri/ out with a long-lost brother, take

over a au out/ost using nothing but a tooth/ick, stall the :ightbringer with the endlessargument of ;ntel versus A>D, and take a breather on a Daemonworld, three Primarchsste/ into the arena to fight for their gaming system '''

he arena is vast, and full of screaming 8rks waving foam hands and banners declaringtheir allegiance to their arboss - *arlock the Awesome'

/ora0:+o """ ideas3

.erturabo:We beat the ****in% &ap out o' them

Dorn:Ele%ant( Pet( ele%ant

.erturabo:You#$e %ot a bette idea ;od Banana3

Dorn:;ets see .ho .e#e up a%ainst( Caine mentioned the But&he and ,a&he$ """

/ora0:That must be """ em """ ho. big.as ,a&he$3

;n the distance a giant, hulking figure walks out of the immense gates leading to the

vast caverns beneath the arena (the area&s =uite large, by the way)' 6eside him asmaller, yet e=ually im/osing figure walks carrying an ae as large as someDreadnoughts, while on the o//osite side a clunking behemoth of metal hisses greensmoke and oo5es slime out of every 0oint'

.erturabo:Oh """ ****

Dorn:+omeone#s had up%ades """

he tallest figure comes to a sto/ before the Primarchs' e dwarfs even the immense

bulk of the Daemon Perturabo, who&s armour is made from bits of arhound itanswielded together using Daemonic arts'

Karchev the ildly 1#posing:+o """ these ae the &hampions o' the 4a/ 8illennium3Patheti&" #$e seen moe balls on a &heeleade s


53/86

/ora0:You %uys seem to be some.hat obsessed .ith &etain pats o' the male

anatomy """ is thee somethin% you .ant to tal/ about3 6ettin% in tou&h .ith youemotions i

Documents

The alternate Primarchs p5