July23,2014AMan'sLife,OnEtiquette

TheAnatomyofEtiquette:HowtoBeanOldSchoolGentlemanFromHeadtoToe

Editorsnote:Therearealotofwaystocategorizetherulesofetiquette:business,dinner,conversational,andsoon.Oneofmyfavoriteoldetiquettebooksincludedanother,mostclevermethod:byyouranatomy.InEsquireEtiquette,whichwaspublishedin1954inGreatBritain,theresasectionthatbreaksdownamansessentialmannersbybodypart.Itsalittlelong,butacheekyandveryenjoyableread.Andwhilesomeoftheadviceisquiteoldfashioned(notmanymentodaywearahattheycanalternatelytipandlift),muchofitstillremainsrelevantforthosewhoaspiretobeoldschoolgentlemen.

TheAnatomyofEtiquetteFromEsquireEtiquette:AGuidetoBusiness,Sports,andSocialConduct,1954Herearethebareessentialsofeverydayetiquetteineverydaysocialintercoursethefirmskeletonwhichremainsafteralltheimpracticalembellishmentsofotherdayshavebeenstrippedaway:

YourHead

Takeoffyourhat(civilian,thatis)wheneveryouareindoors,exceptinasynagogueandexceptinplaceswhichareakintopublicstreets:lobbies,corridors,streetconveyances,crowdedelevatorsofnon-residentialpublicbuildings(departmentstores,officebuildings).Apartmenthouseelevatorsandhallsareclassedasindoors,andsoareeatingplaces!Takeitoffwheneveryouprayorwitnessareligiousceremony,asataburial,outdoor

wedding,dedication.Takeitoffwhenevertheflaggoesby.Andfergodsakestakeitoffwhenyouhaveyourphotographtakenfortheplaceofhonoronherdressingtableandtakeitoffbeforeyoukissher!Liftitmomentarilyasaccompanimenttocourtesieswhenhello,goodbye,howdoyoudo,thankyou,excusemeoryourewelcomeareexpressedorunderstood.Thegestureistograspthefrontcrownofasofthatorthebrimofastiffone,thustoliftthehatslightlyoffandforward,andsimultaneouslytonodorbowyourheadasyousay(orsmile)yoursay.Wheneveryouperformaserviceforastrangewoman,oraskonewhen,forexample,youpickupsomethingshehasdroppedonthesidewalk,oraskher(indirectly)togetherbundlesthehelloffthatvacantbus-seatyoutipyourhattoacknowledgeherthanksortogiveyours.Wheneveryougreetinpassingorfallintostepwithawomanyouknow(yourwifeincluded),youtipyourhat.Infact,thetipofthehatisamustforallbriefexchangeswithwomen,knownorunknown.Amanratesyourhat-lift,too,whenhehasperformedsomeserviceforthewomanyourewithwhenhesgivenhisbusseattoyourwife,forinstance(inwhichcaseyoushouldgivehimacardtoyourpsychiatrist,aswell).Andalsowhenhehasbeengreetedbyyourwomancompanion,youtipyourhatwhetherornotyouknowhim.Ifshestopsandifsheintroducesyou,yourhatcomesoffbutthisisbecauseyouarestandingandtalkingwithawoman.Ordinarily,youdontliftyourhattoandamongmen,whennowomenarepresent.Itwouldbeawkwardtolifthatandshakehands,andmenusuallyshakehandsingreetingsandgoodbyes.Apoliteyoungmanliftshishattoanolderman,however,andanabbreviatedhat-tip(morelikealoosesalute)isalwaysafriendlygesturefromonemantoanother.

YourFeet

Hoptothemwheneverawomanentersaroomwhereyouaresitting,andstandonthemuntilshesitsorgoes.Anoldschoolgentlemanneversitsunlessanduntilallwomenintheroomarealsositting;andthen,unlessheisinhisownhouse,hesitsonlyoninvitation.Amodernmanaddsalayerofgoodsensetothatlayerofgoodmanners.Hesitsdownatcrowdedcocktailpartieswhenthestandingwomenandthestandinghostessareingroupsapart.Heonlyhalf-standswhen,pinnedbehindarestauranttable,awomanpausestosayhellotoanyoneinhisgroup.(Tostandallthewaywouldbemorecomfortableforhimbutlesscomfortableforthewoman,becauseshewouldhavetoapologizeforcausingabigtable-movingfuss.)Hedoesnthopupanddowneverytimehiswifepassesthroughtheroomduringaquieteveningathome.(Buthedoesactthegentleman-in-good-standingwhenoutsidersarepresent,orwhenhestryingtosetanexampleforhissons,orwhenshemakesherfirstentranceorgreeting.)Andheprobablyhasaseparate,lessersetofmannersforstrangewomeninpublicplaces:hekeepshisseatonthesubwayexceptforanoldorpregnantorobviouslyoverburdenedwoman(buthedoesntknockeventheyoungestwomandowninaracefortheseat!)...hekeepshisseatinpubliclobbiesunlessawomangreetshimorspeakstohimfromonhigh...andhedoesntinterrupthisworktostandfornon-socialexchangeswithwomen.Standupformen,too,forintroductions,greetings,leave-takings.Thiscomesnatural;itsnotcomfortabletoshakehandsfromasittingposition,soyoustandwheneverahandshakeisimminent.Standupwhensomeone,manorwoman,istryingtopassinfrontofyouinarowoftheatreseats.Onlyaverysmallchildcansqueezebetweenyourkneesandthenextrowofseatsin

theusualtheatre,nomatterhowtightyouthinkyouvedrawnyourselfup.Walkonthestreet-sideofthesidewalkwhenyoucandoitgracefully.Therearefewrun-awayhorses,thesedays,buttherearestillsplashingpuddlesandotherterrorsofthestreetfromwhichyoucanprotectyourwomancompanion.Itisbetter,however,towalkontheinsidethantoconvertasimplestrollintoaballet:dontcrossbackandforthbehindherorbeforeverrunningaroundendjusttogetintoposition.Theruleissupposedtobeforhercomfortandhersafety;shefindsnothingcomfortableabouttalkingtoawhirlingdervish,andnothingparticularlysafeaboutleadingthewaythroughtrafficwhileyourerunningaroundherheels.Keepherontheinsideand/oronyourrightifyoucan,butrememberthatitsbettertohaveheronyourleftandontheoutsidethantoshiftpositionseverytenfeet,asstrictobservanceoftherulesmightsometimesrequire.

YourHands

Shakehandsforallintroductionsandallgoodbyestomenbutdonteverofferyourhandtoawomanunlesssheextendshersfirst.Whensheholdsoutherhand,youresupposedtodotheshaking:twoorthreeshortup-and-downmovementswilldoitnopump,nocrush,andnolingering.Trytorememberthatsheprobablyhasringsonherfingerevenyourjuniorbear-trapgripcanturnhersmileintoawince.(Yourfellow-menarenottoopleasedwithbone-crushingcontests,either.)Dont,ofcourse,kissawomanshandunlessyouareaContinental,andanot-too-farremovedoneatthat.Foranyoneelse,hand-kissingisanaffectation.Besides,youmightgetitwrongandkissasingle-girlshandwhenthetreatment

issupposedtobeformarriedwomenonly.Giveyourhandtoawoman,palmup,asakindofrestorledgeforherhandwhenyouhelpherdownfrombusses,outfromcabs,downintoboats,andsoon.Inthesesituations,youprecedehersothatyoucanbeinapositiontohelpand,naturally,youofferyourhandfirst.Butassoonasshehasregainedherbalance,letgo.Hand-holdingcomeslater.Putyourhandunderawomanselbowalmostnever.Modernwomendonotliketobesteered;theyhatethisbastardversionofofferingyourarm,andtheyfinditmorehindrancethanhelpinsteppingoffcurbsandcrossingstreets.Fastidiouswomenareannoyedonanotheraccount:theydonotliketobetouchedmeaninglessly.Theonlytimeyoucanproperlycupyourhandunderawomanselbowiswhenitisabsolutelynecessarytoboostherupwardwhenshehasbegunanactualfall,forrareexample.Caution:whenthegestureseemsmostnecessary,itwillprobablybemostresented;thegirlinthenarrowskirt,tryingtomountahighbusstep,needsherhandforliftingtheskirtyourunwelcomeelbow-gripwillreallyimmobilizeher!Theconventionalformofofferingyourarmhasjustaboutgoneout.Youdoitonlyatformaldinnersoratthegrandmarchforacostumeball.Atsuchtimes,youofferyourrightarm,bentattheelbowandwithforearmparalleltothefloor.Shelinksherarmlooselythroughyoursandawayyougo.Onceawayfromcollegecampusorcountrybeerparty,youandyourlady-fairseldomwalkinpublicwitharmslinked.Yourhandsareanimportantpartofyourdancingposition.Yourleftorleadinghandshouldholdherslightlyandnaturally;contortedpositionsmakebadmannersaswellasbaddancers.Yourrightorholdinghandshouldbeplacedfirmlyyetlooselyjustaboutherwaistnotgrapplingherneck,notstickingtoherbarebackandcertainlynotslidunderneathherjacket.Whatyoudowithyourhandswhenyoureoffthefloorissomethingelseagain,butwhileyouredancingyourmannersmattertoonlookersandtoyourpartner,ifnottoyou.Handsinreposebelonginyourlapatthedinnertable,atyoursideswhenwalkingorstanding.Itsallrighttoputyourhandsinyourpocketsorfoldyourarmsorclasphandsbehindbacksometimes,butwatchoutfortheunconscioushandmannerismswhichcouldbeoffensivetoothersorunbecomingtoyou:thesloppylookofamanwhosehandsarealwaysburiedinhispockets...thepompouslookofthemanwhoalwaystalksoverpressed-togetherfingertips...thebarbershoplookofthemanwhoatanytimeinpublicpicksathisearsorbuffshisnailsorpatshishairorstrokeshischin.Thehelpinghand,thebasisofmostetiquettesituationsbetweenmenandwomen,isnotsosimpleasitoncewasperhapsbecausewomenarenotsosimpleastheyoncewere(oroncepretendedtobe).Asoftenasnot,themodernwomanforgetstogivetimeforthecorrectorthecourtlygesture:sheopensthedoorbecause,precedingyou,shereachesitfirst;shehopsoutofthecarbeforeyouvehadachancetowalkaroundandhelpherout;sheslidesintohercoatbeforeyouknowshesreadytogo.Atsuchtimes,withsuchwomen,yourinsistenceontheletterofetiquettewillsquelchherspirit;shellfeelawkward,embarrassedatherowncommendablecasualness,ifyoumakeaThingofyourhelpinghand.Butatothertimes,orwithotherwomen,hesitateandyearelost.Anicesenseoftimeandplaceisyourgreatestassetinthisarea.Herearetherules,butcaution:useonlyasexpected:

1.Itsladiesfirst,exceptwhenyourgoingfirstisinformofservicetoher.Thus,whentheresawaitertoleadyoutoatableoranushertoleadyoutoyourseats,youfallbackandletherprecedeyoubutwhenthereisnooneelsetoperformtheserviceinvolved,yougofirstinordertofindthetableortheseats.Whenthepathisclearandunobstructed,ladiesfirst;butwhentheresamobtobeelbowedorapuddletobefordedorasteepsteptobenavigated,gentlemenfirst.Whenyougofirst,however,besurethatthereasonforitisapparent.Yougetoffthebusfirstsoyoucanhelpherdowntothecurb,notsoyoucanbethefirsttoreachthebaronthecorner.Yougofirstdownthesteepstadiumstepssoyoucanhandherdownasyougo,notsoyoucanloseherinthecrowd.Ifshesbehindyou,keepherclosebehindandmakeitclearthatyouarehelpingher.Iftherecanbeanydoubtinhermindastothereasonforyourgoingfirst,saysomethinglike,Thesestairsareprettydark;maybeIdbetterleadtheway.2.Holdalldoorsforher.Theclassicmaneuverrequiressomecooperationonherpart,however,becauseladiesfirst,shearrivesatthedoorbeforeyou.Shestepsslightlytooneside,sothatyoucanreachthedoorknobandsothatthedoorcanopentowardherwithoutknockingherdown.Youopen,shepassesthrough,youfollowandontothenextdoor.Ifshedoesntpauseorstepaside,ifshegraspsthedoorknobherself,thebestyoucandoistopullfurtheropenthedoorwhichshehasbeguntoopen.Thatmuchyoushouldattemptandyoushouldneverletherstandholdingthedoorasyoupassthrough!butlethersetthepacebyherapproachtothedoor.Thatis,dontknockherovertoreachthedoorfirst,dontbrushherhandofftheknob,dontgetintotheallow-metypeofconversationalhelp,and,whateverthesituationcallsfor,dontmakeaThingofit.Onemoredont:dontexpecthertobeconsistent.Justbecausesheopenedthelastthreedoors,foilingallyoureffortstoplaythegallant,dontbesurprisedifshewaitsexpectantlybeforeyonmagic-eyedoor.Yourjobistobereadyandwillingateverydoor,andtoletherspecificconductbeyourguideateachone.Whenthedoorpushesin,ratherthanopeningout,youcouldcorrectlyprecedeherthroughthedoorinordertoholditforher.Morethanlikely,however,shewillpushaheadandyouwillhaveonlytoextendyourarmoverherheadtotakethedoorsweightfromherasshepassesthrough.Trynottogetintothatungainlypositionofstandingatthesill,tryingtoholdapush-doorinfrontofyouandforcinghertoduckunderyourarm.ThisisnottheminuetorLondonBridge,afterall,butjustahelpinghand.Whenthedoorisrevolving,reachoutandslowitdownsothatshecanstepin,thengiveapushonthepieceinfrontofher,soshecanwalkthroughwithouteffort.(Ifyoupushonthepiecebehindher,youmightunwittinglyknockheroffherfeet;ifthatsyouraim,pickabetterplacethanarevolvingdoor.)Whenthedoor,whatevertype,isinapublicorcrowdedplace,rememberthatyourdutyistoyourwoman,nottothepublicatlarge.Followherthroughthedoor.Ifyouexaggerateyouretiquetteintoholdingthedoorforthenextwomanbehindyou,andthenextandthenext,yourgalwillbestandingalongandlonelyinthelobbycrowd.Lookbehindyouasyoupassthrough,ofcourseyoudontwanttoletthedoorflyinanyface,maleorfemalebutgetonwithit.Cardoorsproducespecialproblems,butonlyifyouletthem.Whenyouareinthedriversseatandshebesideyou,youaresupposedtogetoutonyourside,walkaroundthecar,

openherdoorforher,andthenifthestepissteeportheexitotherwisedifficultofferyourhandtohelpherout.Thisconventionpresupposescountryroadsandfront-doorparking,however;editittosuitthecircumstanceswhenyoureincloggedtraffic.Ifyoucantparktherelongenoughtogivethefulltreatment,itsallrighttoreachacrosshertoopenherdoorexplainingasyougo.Andiftheresadoormantoopenherdoor,orifsheopensitherselfwithoutceremony,relax.Whenyourebothpassengers,andtheresnodoorman,youshouldgetoutfirstevenifshesclosertothedoorthanyousoyoucanholdthedoorandhelphertothecurb.Whenthedoormanisonthejob,shegoesfirstunlessyourecloserinwhichcaseyousteptothestreetandeitherhelpherdownorstandattentivelyasthedoormanhelpsher.Evenifyouregoingonandaremerelydroppingheroff,getoutwithyourhelpingandyourgoodbyes.Unlessyouredriving,anditisobviousthatyoucantleaveyourcarunattendedinmid-traffic,youshouldntsitateasewhileshealightsandtakesflight.3.Holdallchairsforher,whenshesitsandwhensherises.Theideaofholdingachairforasittingduckie,bytheway,isnottotripheroffherfeetbyjabbingthechairedgeintothebackofherknees.Norisittocontributetohersenseofinsecuritybylettinghersitintospace.Justpullthechairbackasshestepsintoplaceinfrontofit,thenpushitunderher(withouttouchingherwithit)asshebendsherkneestosit.Inreverseorder,thetechniqueisthesamewhensherises;dontyankthechairbackwithherinitanddontpushitbackunderthetableuntilshehassteppedoutofrange.Again,thegestureiswhatcountswithanindependentdame.Sheslidesintoachairbeforeyouvehadtimetoholditforher,butshemaystilltakeitamissifyouthenslideintoyours;yourbestisalwaystowalkaroundbehindherchair,tohelpheroffwithhercoatifnottomakeonefinaladjustmentofthechairsposition.Ifyourenotgoingtodothat,donothing.Thecommonpracticeofreachingacrossthetableinthevaguedirectionofthebackofherchair,whichyoucouldntpossiblyreachisungainlyandservesonlytoremindherofthelargergestureshemighthaveletyoumake.Needlesstosay,youdontholdsofas,built-inwallseatsoranythingwhichcannotbemovedoutforeasierseating.Allyoudo,then,isseethatsheisseatedbeforeyousit.4.Helpherinandoutofhercoat.Again,theextentofyourhelpisuptoher,butevenforthemostdeterminedlyhelplessfrailyoushouldnotfluffherhairoutsidehercollarasifyouwereherladysmaid,orreachunderhercoatandpulldownherjacketasifyouwereabarbershopporter,orchaseherflailingarmsaboutwiththecoatasifyouwereropingacalf.Justholdthecoat.Holditrightsideupandinshape,soshedoesnthavetobeanacrobattogetintoit;holditalittlelowerthanshoulderheight,soshedoesnthavetouseabackstroketoreachthesleeves;pullitupontohershouldersonceherarmsarestartedintothesleevesbutlethergetintoitherself.Shedoesntwantyoutodresshernotrightnow,anywaysocontentyourselfwithbeingacoatrack,notavalet.5.Manisabeastofburden,buthegotabreakduringthewarwhenitwaswidelyunderstoodthatamaninuniformdidnotcarrypackages.Nolongermustyousnatcheveryoddpackagefromeverywomanyouwalksomuchastwostepswith.Lethercarryherownjunk,ifshesso

gracelessastobetotingonadate;shewontbeasuncomfortableunderherlightburdenasshewillbeifyouinsistonlookinglikeadrayhorsewhenshedratherbewithaman.Ofcourse,youshouldstillrelieveherofheavythingssuitcases,briefcases,booksandmagazineswhichgivehertoomanythingstocarry.Ifshesyourwife,orifyoudbeproudtohavesomeonethinkso,youshouldcarrythebiggestbagofgroceriesandpushtheheavybabycarriage.Ifyouthinkitssafe,youcanstillmakethegesturetowardoddparcels,coats,umbrellasandmodelshatboxes.(Isthattooheavyforyou?issaferthanHere,letmecarrythat.)Butiftheresachanceshellsayyes,restinthispeace:amanofgoodmodernmannerstotesformiladyonlywhenhisstrengthisneeded,notwhenshecouldcarrythestuffaseffortlesslyashe.6.Itsthemanwhopays,butnotnecessarilyforexpenseswhichcomeupduringachanceencounterwithawoman.Yourenotexpectedtopickupthecheckwhenyouhaveonlyhappenedontoheratthedrugstorelunchcounter,nortobuyhertrainticketifyoufindthatyourebothgoingoutofthesamestation.Itsnotbadmannerstomakeamovetowardpayingasmallexpenseherbusfare,saybutitisbynomeansnecessaryand,withmodernwomenhippedonindependence,itcanmakethemsorrytheysawyou.Theywillbeembarrassed,aswell,ifyoucomeupwithmoneyforthecleaner,theshoe-repairmanorthebutcherwhenyoucatchthemattheirerrands;theymightliketobekeptwomen,butnotonthatsmallandpublicscale!Inanycase,dontprotestifawomansaysshehasthemoneyreadyorotherwiseindicatesthatshedoesntwantyoutopay.TheBigSceneovertheSmallSumisespeciallysillywhenitstemsfromthemistakenideaofgallantry.

YourEars

Themanwhobelieveseverythingeverywomantellshimneedsmorethananetiquettebooktostraightenhimout,butthesearethetimeswhichtrymenscredulity.Youwanttotakeheratherwordbutitsgoodmannersnottowhenshesays:Pleasedontgetupor,ifyouhavealreadystruggledtoyourfeet,Pleasesitdown.Nomatterwhatshesaysorhowmuchshemeantit,yougottastandwhileshestands.Ifshereallymeantitshedsitorleave,soyoucouldrelax.DontbotherIcanmanage.Sheprobablycan,butifyoustandbywhileshedoesitallherself,anditisastruggleforher,youregoingtolookprettysillytopeoplewhohaventheardherprotests.Yougoahead;Illbeallright.Thisinallitsvariationsissupposedtoexcuseyourleavingheraloneonthedancefloororlettingherfindherwayhomebyherselforsettingherfreetofree-lanceinanysituationwhereyourfirmdutyistotakecareofher.Ninetimesoutoftenitdoesntexcuseyoueveninhermind(tosaynothingofherparentsorherfriends);sheexpectsyoutoinsistinaction,notwords.Thetenthtime,whenshereallymeansitanditsreallyimpossibleforyoutoliveuptoyournormalgoodmanners,youllknowitsallrighttogoahead.Evenso,youllfollowupbytelephoneorotherwisechecktomakesurethatshemadeitallright...evenso,youlltrytomakeituptoherlater...evenso,youlldecideitwouldhavebeensimplerallaroundtodoyourduty.

YourMouth

Whenfeedingyourface,theideaistodoitneatly,quietly,andallbutincidentally.Ifanythingbothersyouabouttablemanners,putthequestiontothosethreetests.Ifthetechniquemakesamessornoise,orifitcallsattentiontothefactthatyouaredeterminedtostuffyourself,itsbadmanners.Foraman,afourthgeneraldontassumesequalimportance:dontbeprissy.Dontcockyourlittlefingerorpat-patyourpursedmouthdaintilywithyournapkin.Thewayyoueatisamatterofhabit.Thats9944/100percentfortunate,becauseyoudprobablystarvetodeathifyouhadtothinkabouteverymuscleandeverymoveinvolvedintheintricateprocessofpropellingfoodfromplatetomouth.Butits56/100percentunfortunate,too:ifyourunconsciouseatinghabitsareunattractive,evenyourbestfriendwonttellyou.Butyoucantell;watchyourselfforthesesignsofthefourscourgesofthediningtable.1.TheSlobTieshisnapkinaroundhisneckortucksitintohisvest.Thenapkinbelongsinyourlapduringameal,looselylaidtotheleftofyourplacewhenyouleavethetable.Whetherpaperordamask,itshouldneitherbefoldedforreusenorblithelytossedintoyourplate.Leavesasampleofeverycourseontherimofhisdrinkingglass.Hesinsontwocounts:hedrinkswhenhismouthisnotempty,andneglectstousehisnapkinbeforeusingtheglass.

Makeseverymouthfulafullcourseinminiature(andnotsominiatureatthat).Instead,heshouldtakesmallbites,chewingandswallowingeachbitebeforehetakesthenext.Formsabridgefromtabletoplatewithhisknifeandforkwhentheyarenotinusehandlesoncloth,workingendsproppedonplate.Inhislessvirulentformhelaysknifeandforkonplate,asiscorrect,butsoclosetotheedgethattheyfalloffwhentheplateisremoved.Talkswithhismouthfull.Cleanshisteethatthetablewithtoothpickorfingernailorbyrunninghistonguearoundhisteeth,withgrimaces.Spitsoutanythinghedoesntlike.(Youdonthavetoeattheinedibleofcourse,andifyoumustremovesomethingfromyourmouth,firstbesurethatitbearsnoresemblancetoregurgitatedfood,thengraspandremoveitwithyourfingersthatsthequickestway.Correctlyyoucouldtakeitoutonthesamespoonorforkitwentinon,butthismaneuveristooacrobaticforgraceinmostinstances,anditrunsdangerouslyclosetospitting.Actually,youcanusuallycutoutbonesandstonesbeforetheygetintoyourmouth.Andyoucanmanfullyswallowsomethingthatoffendsyourpalate.)Breakscrackersintohissoup.Iftheyaremeanttogointothesoup,theyaremeanttogoinwhole.Youspoonthemdirectlyintothesoupiftheyarecroutons;iftheyareoystercrackersyouputthemfirstonyourbutterplateoronthecloth,thendroptheminwhole,afewatatime.Eatsmessythingswithhisfingers.Thebestwaytodecidewhentopickfoodupinyourfingers(ifyourenotcontenttofollowyourhostessexample)istodecideinadvancewhetheryoucandoitneatly.Picnicsaresomethingelseagainofcourse,andsomefoodslikelobsteraremessywhateveryourmodusoperandi,butwithneatnessasyourguide,youcantgowrong.Theguideworksbothways:itsneatertopickupanearofcornthantowatchitskitteracrosstheplateasyoutrytocutit;itisneatertoleavethehardstalkofasparagusifyoucantcutandeatitwiththeforkasyoudidthetips.Andifanapproachbyhandseemsindicated,aswithasandwichorapieceoffreshfruit,itisneatertocutitintomanageablesectionsbeforeyoupickitup.Blowsonhisfood,insteadofwaitingquietlyforittocoolenoughtoeat.Bitesofftheendsofaforkfulofspaghetti,usuallyinmid-air.Ifhecantcutitonhisplate,ortwistitaroundhisforkinaneatandmanageableball,heoughttoorderravioliinstead.Gesticulatesandpointswithhiseatingtools.Putssolidsilveronthetable.Ifthereisnosaucerunderthecup(buttherealwayswillbe)leavethespooninthecupratherthanplacingitonthetablecloth.Andneverdothedishwashingorsilverpolishingatthetable:iftheimplementisreallynotclean,ignoreitasyouwouldignoreahairinyoursoup.(Inarestaurant,ofcourse,youmayaskforanotherforkorsendthesoupback.)Putshismouthintothefoodinsteadofthefoodintohismouth.Youshouldntmeetyourfoodevenhalfway.Youbringituptoyourerecthead;youdontduckdowntomeetitcomingup.

2.TheRacket-eerChewswithhismouthopen,makingnoattempttomufflethenoise(orconcealthesight)ofhiscement-mixermastication.Clankssilveronsilver,orsilveronplate.Whenhestirshiscoffeehedoesitfiendishly,likeawitchstandingoveraboilingcauldron,andeveryrevolutionofthespoonsetsuparacket.Whenheputshisknifeandforkdown,youwonderthattheforcedoesnotsmashtheplate.Hewindsupbyscrapinghisplatewithhisfork.Andifhesthehelpfulaswellasnoisytype,hisfinalsinagainsttheeardrumsistostackhisdishes,crashingly.Slurpshissoup.Suctionissuperfluousjustputthesideofthespoontoyourmouthandsipquietly.Drumsonthetable,orcrackshisknuckles,orchewsontheicefromhiswaterglass,orotherwisesoundsoffbetweennoisybites.Pushesawayfromthetableatdinnersend,withbothhandsshovingagainstthetableedgeandthechairscreechingacrossthefloor.Instead,youshouldreachdownandliftthechairbackasyouriseslightly.3.ThePigDigsinthemomenthesserved.Heknowshedoesnthavetowaitforthehostess,whowillbeservedlast,buthesapparentlytoohungrytorememberthatheshouldwaituntiltwoorthreeothersatthetablehavealsobeenserved.Pusheshisplateawayfromhimwhenhesfinished,asiftosay,Well,thatwasgood,nowwhatdoweeat?Instead,heshouldsitquietlyandwithoutrearrangingthetable,withoutpushingortiltinghischairback,andwithoutlooseninghisbelt.Usespiecesofbread,tightlygrippedinhishand,tomopupeverylastdropofsauce,everylastmorseloffood.Hisplatethenlooksasifithadjustcomeoutofthedishwasher.Ifhisfavoritefoodisbreadandgravy,hemaybreakoffasmallpieceofbread,dropitintothesauce,theneatthebreadwithhisforkbutheshouldntscrubormoporuseanunbrokensliceofbread.Spreadsthebutteronhisbreadinmid-airandallatonce,asifintendedtoeatthewholepieceinonebite.Exceptinthecaseoftiny,hotbiscuits,breadshouldbebrokenandbutteredonlyasneededinquartersorbitesizes.Itshouldbeheldagainsttherimofthebutterplateduringthespreading,notwavedallovertheplaceorheldchesthigh.Gnawsatbones,asifhesafraidtomissthetiniestmorselofmeat.Suckshisfingers,onthesamesortofcompulsion.Ifheissomessyastogetfoodonhisfingers,heshoulduseafingerbowland/orthenapkin,nothislips.Cutsuphiswholeplatefuloffoodatonetime,asifhecouldntbeartostopeatingoncehehadbegun.Unlessheisundertenyearsold,heshouldcuthisfoodonlyasheeats.

Tiltshissoupbowltowardshim.Properly,hewouldtipitawayfromhim,justasproperlyhewouldspoonthesoupawayfromhim.Butthisisnottheshortestdistancebetweentwopoints,andthepigisblatantlystarving.Elbowshiswaythroughthemeal.Whenhecuts,hiselbowsarelikeflappingwings.Whenheeats,hissparearmservesasaprop,enablinghimtoeatmuchfaster.Elbowsonthetablearesociallyacceptablewhenyourenoteating,butthesafestcourseistokeepyoursparehandinyourlap.Whileyoureeating,yourelbowsshouldbeasclosetoyourbodyasinagoodgolfswing.4.ThePrissPurseshislipswhenheeatsinexaggeratedrefinement.Hecouldntlooklesspleasedifhewereeatingcyanideorcastoroil.Leavesalittleofeverythingonhisplate,interrorofappearinggreedy.Whatawaste!Ifhedoesntintendtoeatit,heshouldnttakeit.Isalwayssayingthathedoesntlikeorcanteatcertainfood.Ifheisnotblessedwithacatholictaste,oragenuineenjoymentofallfoodsstrangeandfamiliar,heshouldpretendthatheis.Theveryleasthecandoiskeepquietabouthisallergiesandhisprejudices.Isahesitant,obviouscopy-cat,makingeveryoneelseasnervousasheoverwhichforktouse.Itsnotthatimportant.Ifyoucandoitunobtrusively,itsallverywelltowatchyourhostessormoreknowledgeablegueststoseehowtheyhandlecertainunfamiliardishes.Butifyourconcentrationonthefinepointsofetiquetteisgoingtomakeyouaninattentiveconversationalist,shrugoffyourworries.Itmighthelpyoutoknowthatsilverisplacedonthetableintheorderofitsuse,theforkfarthestfromyourplate,ontheoutside,beingmeantforthefirstforkfood,theoneontheinsideforthelast.Ifyouareservedbothforkandspoonfordesertyoumayuseboth(spoonfortheicecream,say,andforkforthemeringue),oryoumayusetheforktoholdthedesertsteadywhileyoucutandeatwiththespoon,oryoumaysimplyusewhicheverseemsmoreappropriate.Thebutterplateandglassesonyourrightareforyou;yoursalad,unlessservedasaseparatecourse,isonyourleft.Butnooneworthknowingwillcareifyouuseaforkwhenaspoonwasintended,andifyoudontgetflusteredandapologetic,noonewillevennotice.Isafraidtouseaknifeonhissaladbecauseheshearditsnotproper.Ifthereisasaladknifeathisplace,hecanbesurethatitisnotonlyproperbutexpected.Andifhecantmanagethesaladneatlywithhisforkalone,itsbettertousehisdinnerknifethantoemulatearabbit,withlettucehangingoutofhismouth.Brett&KateMcKay69Comments

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