The Bible & Relationships: How To Love My Neighbor Without Making Myself Crazy Boundaries “Good Fences Make Good Neighbors” Robert Frost

The Bible & Relationships: How To Love My Neighbor Without Making

Myself Crazy

Boundaries

“Good Fences Make

Good Neighbors”

Robert Frost


Myself Crazy

How do You Define Boundaries?

How do you react to someone who wants your time, love, energy, or money?

Where Do You Struggle the Most in this Area?

Ponderings:


Myself Crazy

I. What Are Boundaries? A. Fences


Myself Crazy

I. What Are Boundaries?B. Responsibility/Ownership• My Feelings

• My Attitudes & Beliefs

• My Behaviors

• My Choices

• My Values

• My Limits

• My Talents

• My Thoughts

• My Desires

• My Love


Myself Crazy

I. What Are Boundaries?C. Self-Control- Influencing Control over What I am Responsible ForOwnership and Freedom In the simplest sense, a boundary is a

property line. It denotes the beginning and the end of something. In the

physical world, boundaries are often easy to see – fences, walls, signs,

hedges, or sometimes only a slightly different appearance of the lawn.

All this signs indicate the borderline of someone’s

property. Within these boundaries,the owner is fully responsible for the

property, while others are not.


Myself Crazy

Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a

healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.

Yet many Christians lack boundaries because they fear being selfish and unloving.


Myself Crazy

In Contrast… What a boundary is not?an excuse for doing what they want or for not

helping othersas limits they set on other peopleas walls for avoiding close relationships

between them and othersas their private zone from where they want to

exclude everyone else, as a means for fixing or changing their spouse,

children, and others,as an ultimatum, a means to control others

through un-proportional consequencesas a punishment for misbehavior

People who understand boundaries in this way, use the expression “setting boundaries” just as an excuse for selfishness and an unwillingness to submit to God or anybody else. But that is not what boundaries are. In fact, the meaning of the term “boundaries” has been twisted by the world so much that Christians have become afraid of using it – just because they don’t know the original meaning of the word anymore. It is the same with the word “love”, which often is confused with selfish desire or lust, or at least with sentimentality.


Myself CrazyII. What Is The Purpose of Boundaries?

A. A. Benefits of Boundaries1. Protection of Self/Self-

Care

Phil. 2:4- “Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”2. Growth- Making Spiritual Growth Possible3. Self-Care… So that We Can Care4. Relationship Building… Safety

How Healthy Boundaries Build Relationships


Myself Crazy

B. Problems with Poor Boundaries

Burnout of Self - Soul

Relationship Destruction- by avoiding and hurting true relationship (which breeds anger)

Stunted Growth- in Self & Others

Control of Others


Myself CrazySigns of Ignored Boundaries

Enmeshment

Disassociation

Excessive Detachment

Victimhood or Martyrdom

Chip on the Shoulder

Invisibility

Cold & Distant

Smothering

Lack of Privacy


Myself CrazyIII. The Biblical Basis for Boundaries

A. Genesis: A Mandate with Responsibility

(Genesis 1:28) “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.”

God gave us responsibility for certain tasks. And part of this responsibility is knowing what is our job, and what is

not.


Myself Crazy

B. Galatians 6:2-5Boulders Vs. Backpacks

Boulder (“Baros”) = an extraordinary heavy weight- and unusually severe burden- a weight that will destroy me is I don’t get help


Myself Crazy

Backpack (“phortion”) = A daily pack- a normal ship’s cargo- can readily carry by myself- won’t destroy me


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C. Character of GodMade in His Image… 3 distinct persons…

Created in the Image of God

God defines himself as distinct being, separate from his creation and from us. He clearly sayswhat he is and what he is not. For instance, God is love (1. John 4:16) and not darkness (1. John 1:6). He cannot tolerate sin but invites people, who love him, into his kingdom.


Myself CrazyD. The Role Model of Jesus… He Took Care of Himself

1. Luke 2:49 “Didn’t you know I would be in my Father’s House?”

2. Luke 5:15-16 “Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”


Myself Crazy3. John 10:10 “I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full.”4. Mark 1:35-39 “The next morning Jesus awoke long before daybreak and went out alone into the wilderness to pray. Later Simon and the others went out to find him. They said, "Everyone is asking for you." But he replied, "We must go on to other towns as well, and I will preach to them, too, because that is why I came." So he traveled throughout the region of Galilee, preaching in the synagogues and expelling demons from many people.


Myself CrazyIV. How To Love Your Neighbor Without Making yourself CrazyA. Get Clear Boundaries for Yourself- Take Care of Yourself

B. Stop Confusing Enmeshment, Care-taking, or Control as “Loving”… or Saying “No” as Mean or Unloving

C. Live With Limits- and Enforce those on Others

D. Speak the Truth- It Always Clears Up Boundaries

E. Be Active- Not Passive

F. Allow Reaping What is Sown- Enforce Consequences for Behaviors and Allow Them to Discipline Others

G. Respect- learn to respect others' boundaries and freedom.


Myself Crazy1. Can you set limits and still be a loving person?2. How can you set limits without being selfish?3. What if somebody is upset or hurt by your boundaries?4. Why do some (or you) feel guilty or afraid when you consider setting boundaries?5. How are (your) boundaries preventing your growth or another’s? 6. Where do your boundaries need establishing, mending or reinforcing?

Too Permeable (Inappropriate)

Permeable (Appropriate)

Impermeable (Inappropriate)

I overwhelm strangers and first-time

acquaintances with intimate details of my

life.

I address the needs of others but don't

regularly allow them to disrupt or interrupt

the effective management of my life

I don't let myself think of others' needs, even if I'm interested in them. I've

got enough pain.

I find myself regularly overwhelmed at

continually trying to meet others' needs

even though my needs go unmet

Since relationships are based on respect, trust and communication, I

let these develop before committing to

love.

I don't let myself love anyone. It's safer to keep them at a distance. After all, you never know who might hurt you. Besides, what do they want from

me anyway?

I don't know what is really true so I let

others decide for me what is real.

I trust my perceptions and my abilities to

determine what is real and how to react. I can also test other

people's reality to see if it's true.

I can't listen to others or be influenced by them. Not only can I not trust them, but I can hardly maintain my facade of having it all together

which I use to cover up reality.

I let others determine what's important for me. After all, I don't want to be rejected.

I make decisions for myself based on my values and God's will

for me.

I can't make decisions. Even the simplest ones

are hard. I don't want to make a mistake

I can't take responsibility for myself or follow

through. So I depend on others to take care

of me.

I take responsibilities for my decisions. If I

fail, find out what I did wrong, I ask for

forgiveness, the learn what I need to do

differently.

I feel excessively guilty when things aren't

absolutely perfect.If I can't handle the guilt, I

blame others for my failures.

I'll sacrifice anything in order to avoid abandonment,

isolation and rejection

Though I am approachable, my

biblically-based values are not negotiable. If people reject my for

my values, I'm willing to pay that price.

I'll never do anything for anybody just to please

them. People are such a bother and are always messing with my life.

Documents

The Bible & Relationships: How To Love My Neighbor Without Making Myself Crazy Boundaries “Good Fences Make Good Neighbors” Robert Frost