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Real life or science fiction? The monsters of KAIJUBIGBATTELreign supreme.BYMARKYONPFEIFFER

(Discordantcymbalspealwithquickening

paceagainsta low,bowel-rumbling

didgeridoo.Fadein toslideshowofcreatures.}THEIRANCESTRYcan betracedback

thoughthe eons.Cerberusandthe Hydraof Greeklore. FenrisWolfandthe

MidgardSerpentof Norselegend.Kaiju,or "fantasticmonsters:' lumberedtheir

way into contemporaryconsciousness

duringthe late 1950svia legendary

JapanesedirectorInoshiroHonda'sdocumentaries.Masterfullydisguisedas"Sci-Fi"thrillers,thesefilms etchedin our

mindsthe skyscraper-dwarfingfiguresofGodzilla,Mothra,Rodan,Megalon,and

KingKongto namebut a few.At times

sacrificingtheir own fleshto defendthe

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earthfromattack,at timeswrecking

entirecitieswith savagebloodlust,their

ever-changingallegiancesmadethemall

the moreterrifying.Veryrecently,however,suchbehemothshavebreeched

the long-maintainedfacadeof fiction,

declaringtheir existencebeforea

transfixedhumanity...EnterKAIJUBIGBATTEL! [sic.]

Theenigmatic"Commissioner"ofKBB,sometimesknownasthe '~ustrianPrinceof DarkChocolate:'hasdeviseda

method-the magicalor scientificrootofwhich is shroudedin secrecy-to shrink

the newestwaveof Kaijudown to

humanoidsize.Thus,theyareableto

take uparmsagainstoneanotherin East

Coastvenuessuchas NewYork'sRoxy

and Philadelphia'sElectricFactory,circumventingthe widespreaddestructionof old.

Recently,the Commissioneragreedtomeetwith meat StudioKaiju'sblock-

dominatingcompoundin the heartof

Boston.Uponmyarrivalhe informedmein a bizarre,unidentifiableaccentthat Iwould be thefirst outsiderallowed into

the subterraneancatacombsdeepbelowthe studio.Whether I shouldbeflattered

or fearful I did not know. Notinghisturn-

of-the-centuryGermancavalryuniform

andcrypticplatinum-rimmedmonocle,I

beganto wonder if hemight havehis

own, sinisteragenda.

Aswe.movedthoughthe earth's

mantlein a swankpenthouse-style

elevatorhesetforthhisplansfora

nationaltour,or asheput it-"blitzkrieg."

Attemptingto marshalthewarring

contingentsof SilverPotato'sHeroes,Dr.Cube'smalevolentPosseandthe

mysteriousTeamSpaceBugseemedan

impossibletask.One,that if facilitated

would surelyshockanddestroyorganized

religion.Aftertwenty minutesa greatburstof steamroseupandourprogress

groundto a halt.Numberlesstunnels,

hewnfromthe roughrockitselfsnakedout in all directions,theirsmoothsurfaces

texturedwith glitteringgemstonesand

preciousgold! Milesabovepeoplewent

~~...-

~~GJtJ

~-- -

.

about their lives, cursing Oprah Winfrey,

eating fat free snacks--completelyunaware that far beneath their feet a

clandestine society was determining the

fate of the universe itself!

"Be cawful vile yew ah hare Mesta

vohn Fifa." The Commissioner advised in

his peculiar accent. "Ve veouldn't vant

anyting nesstie to appen tu yew. Yuld ve?"

"Anything what?" I replied.

"Nesstie!" he screeched waving his

riding crop crazily."Huh?"

"Du yew vant metew speelit out fer

yew?N A STY! Bed,awfel,armfuH"

'I\h. Nasty.Nowe wouldn't," I said

nervously.

appease you? What magazineisthis?I don't sharepageswith scantilyclad

womenand Neanderthaljokes.

How would you stack up against

a swashbuckling Pirate?Youcall

yourselfa joumalist?Didyougo toschoolfor this?

What was your childhood like?Ukea Harvardgraduatestuckin

preschool.Name one dark secret in your past

that drives you towards victory. I

am adopted.

What message would you offer

the youth of today? If you let me, I

will showyou everythingyou'veever

dreamedof, giveyou everythingyoueverwantedand introduceyouto all that

is goodand right in this world.

alongthe undulatingpassageways.Whenremoved,I beheldavast

laboratory.Forestsof diodes,buttons,monitors,oscillators,holographiccharts

and graphs,operatingtables,andchemicalvatsof all mannerspanned

planet. I amnot from outerspace,but Ido spenda lot of time thereon my

Spudnikspacestation. It is the hip-

hoppinestride in the galaxy,featuringsuchaher-marketfeaturesassolar-

poweredthrusters,protectivestarchskin

and a trashcompactor.

What one thing do you hate most

in the universe? One thing you

love? I hatelackof soul. It is evidentby

Dr.Cube'spostureand walk that he lacks

soul. Soulcan'tbe boughtor sold;youhaveto find the soulwithin yourself.I

loveold-schoolhip-hopon vinyl. It's the

bestfor loungin', workin', battlin', andbestofall breakin'.

How do you see events playingout in the world of KBBas 2003

At this point Iwas blindfoldedand

leadto the first of myappointments.Wearrivedinto a massivehall, bulwarkedon

eachsideby redwood-sizedtimbersandlinedwith the mountedheadsof alien

predators.Twogigantic,eight-limbed

staghoundssleptpeacefullyin front of a

chumingfire. Upona granitethroneof

Olympianproportionssatthe benevolent

SilverPotato,hisjumpsuitshimmeringinthe warm light. Themightywarrior kingseemedto slumberuntil hebademe

speakwith an almostimperceptiblenodof hisshock-helmet.

~beyondmysight line. Momentarily,a !figure glidedout from a darkcornerthathadescapedmyobservation.Talland

slenderwith a giant white cubefor ahead, it was the wickeddoctorhimself-

authorof the soullessarmyof golems

againstwhich SilverPotatoand hispeers

wage constantbattle. "Greetings...

human," hesaidwith a mincingsneer."I

grantyoufive minutes."Why should people worship your

powers? Theinfallible needgive no

reason.Peopleshouldworshipmypower

overall things, fromthe biggestgiantcity-crushingmonsterto the smallest

geneticcell.What is the end goal of your

diabolical schemes? Moneyisof no

importanceto thosewith superiorintellect,andI alreadyhavethe Kaiju

Championshipbelt.What is my ultimate

objectof desire?Thewhole world willsoonfind out.

How can your female fans best

Whydo you hate Dr.Cube?Dr.Cube

Triedto murderdogswith poisondog

food, hurtmygirlfriend,kidnappedtheKaijuCommissioner,createsgiant city-

crushingmonstersto aid hisplansforworld domination.

Describe your bitterest defeat.ThispastApril,at PhillyFactoryFightoin

Philadelphia,I wasbeat mercilesslyinto

submissionby Dr.Cube'sPosse,robbing

meof the KBBChampionshipBeltI haddefendednumeroustimes.

Please tell me about your home

draws to a close? I seemyselfback

on top, readyto defendanotherreignas

KaijuBigBattelChampion.

I wasagain blindfoldedand lead

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