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The colors
A guide for parents/guardians in the hours and days following a child’s death
2
Right now, you may feel shocked, devastated, immensely sad, and numb, among
many other things. In the midst of your grief, figuring out the immediate next
steps may overwhelm you. Below, find a checklist of practical matters that need
attention. Remember: you do not have to do all or any of this alone. Ask for help;
share with friends and family who can support you during this time.
1
Chooseafuneralhomeorhospitalplacement.Tofindafuneralhome,contact
yoursocialworkerorbereavementcoordinator,oraskfamilyandfriendsfor
recommendations.Familiesoftenchooseafuneralhometheyalreadyknow.
Informahospitalstaffpersonofthefuneralhomeorotheroptionyouhavechosen.
Theywillunderstandifyoucannotmakeadecisionimmediately.Whenyouhavemade
adecision,call720-777-6442.Ifthisisacoroner’scase,contacttheAdamsCounty
Coronerat303-659-1027.
Surroundyourselfwithlovingpeoplewholetyoubeyourself.
Takethetimeyouneedtobewithyourlovedone.Afteryou’vesaidyourgoodbyes,
staffwillarrangeforthefuneralhometotransferyourlovedone(ortheywillhelpwith
otherarrangements).
WHAT TO DO THE
first day
“�If�you�have�difficulty�looking�at�your�child’s�
possessions,�close�his�or�her�door�or�have�
someone�pack�and�store�them�for�you.��
Do�not�make�any�major�decisions�about��
their�things�until�a�later�date.”�
2
Chooseafuneralhomeorhospitalplacement.Tofindafuneralhome,contact
yoursocialworkerorbereavementcoordinator,oraskfamilyandfriendsfor
recommendations.Familiesoftenchooseafuneralhometheyalreadyknow.
Informahospitalstaffpersonofthefuneralhomeorotheroptionyouhavechosen.
Theywillunderstandifyoucannotmakeadecisionimmediately.Whenyouhavemade
adecision,call720-777-6442.Ifthisisacoroner’scase,contacttheAdamsCounty
Coronerat303-659-1027.
Surroundyourselfwithlovingpeoplewholetyoubeyourself.
Takethetimeyouneedtobewithyourlovedone.Afteryou’vesaidyourgoodbyes,
staffwillarrangeforthefuneralhometotransferyourlovedone(ortheywillhelpwith
otherarrangements).
Makearrangementsfortheservice,gathering,finalrestingplaceandothermatters.
Yourfuneraldirectororreligiousadvisorwillguideyouthroughthesedecisions.
Makealistofimmediatefamily,closefriends,andemployerorbusiness
colleagues.Notifyeachbyphoneorasksomeonetohelpyou
makethesecalls.
Arrangeforfamilymembersorclosefriendstoanswer
thedoor,phoneoremails,andtokeeprecordsofcalls,
visits,anditemsdelivered/received.
Arrangecareforthechild’spets,ifthereareany.
Makesuretoplanmealsforthenextfewdays.Havea
friendorfamilymemberstepintohelpcoordinateand/
ormakefood.
Considerspecialneedsofthehousehold,suchascleaning,
payingbills,cooking,andotherthings;askafriendtohelp.
“Have�a�level-headed�advocate�
(friend�or�family�member)�help�
you�with�funeral�arrangements.�
This�person�will�be�more��
clear�minded.”
WHAT TO DO IN THE
first week
3
Writetheobituary.Includeage,placeofbirth,school,andalistofsurvivors
intheimmediatefamily.Besuretoincludethetimeandplaceoftheservice(s).Ifyou’d
like,youmayalsoincludepersonalinformation,suchasthingsheorsheenjoyed.Itis
okaytoasksomeoneelsetohelpwritethis.
Ifyoudonotwantflowers,decideontheappropriatememorialtowhichgiftsmaybe
made,suchasaschoolorcharity.
Arrangehospitalityforvisitingrelativesandfriends.Again,itisokaytoaskafriendor
familymembertohelp.
Selectpallbearersandnotifythem(ifyouarehavingafuneralwithacasket).
Preparecontentforprintedprogramsforservices,ifyouare
havingaserviceandifyouwouldlikeaprogram.
Ifthereareflowers,planfortheirplacementaftertheservice(s).
Youcouldgivethemtoahospital,resthome,tofamily;
anywhereyouwouldliketodonatethemisfine.
Sendthank-youcards.Youmaywanttothankthosewho
helpedwitharrangements,sentflowers,offeredsupport,etc.
Itishelpfultomakealistofthoseyouwouldliketothankand
haveafriendhelpwriteandsendthecards.
“Just�pick�a�time�for�the�
memorial�service�or�funeral.�
Try�not�to�worry�about�
accommodating�everyone�
else’s�schedule.”
“�Writing�thank-you�notes�is�great�for�understanding�
that�you�are�not�alone.�It�helps�you�recognize�
how�many�people�care.�However,�if�you�feel�
overwhelmed,�have�someone�help�you�and�then�
you�can�focus�on�doing�the�special�notes.”�
4
What you might be feeling:
Youmayfeelstunnedoneminute,andthenangry,panicked,ordistressedthenext.
Youmayfinditdifficulttomakedecisionsandconcentrate.Maybeyoufeelthisisalla
dreamorthatit’snotreallyhappening.Maybeyoucryuncontrollably,stareintospace,
orfeeloutofcontrol.
Is this normal? What is normal?
oo Allemotionsareacceptable,andallarequitenormal.Eachpersongrieves
inhisorherownway.
oo Cryingisahealthyexpressionofgrief;cryfreely.
oo Notcryingisalsookay;feelingnumbisalsonormal.
oo Physicalreactionstothedeathofachildmayincludelossofappetiteorovereating,
sleeplessness,anxiety,lossofconcentration,andsexualdifficulties.
oo Theshockandnumbnessaremostintenseduringthe
firsttwoweeks.Grieflastsmuchlongerthanpeople
usuallyassume.
ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING TO YOU
right now
“�Do�not�be�afraid�of�asking�‘dumb�
questions.’�You�may�never�have�had�to�
arrange�a�funeral�until�now.”
5
Take care of yourself.
oo Bepatientwithyourself.
oo Eatabalanceddiet.
oo Rest.
oo Trytogetmoderateexercise.
oo Avoiddrugsandalcohol.
oo Usemedicinesparingly(andonlyunderthesupervisionofyourhealthcare
provider).Sometimesmedicinecanstopordelaythenecessarygrievingprocess.
oo Ifpossible,delayanymajordecisions(e.g.changingresidence,changingjob)
duringthistime.
oo Avoidmakinghastydecisionsaboutyourchild’sbelongings.
oo Letyourfriendsandrelativesknowhowtheycansupportyou(youcanalsogive
themtheenclosedbooklet).Thoughtheywanttoeaseyourpain,theymayfeel
uncomfortablebecausetheydon’tknowhow.
Things to remember
oo Allowyourselftofeeleverything.
oo Talk,write,orsingabouthowyouarefeeling–itwillhelpbeginyourhealing.
oo Allowotherstohelpyou,becauseithelpsbothyouandthem.
oo Youknowhowtotakecareofyourselfbetterthananyone.
oo Sometimesitmakessensetoactunpredictablyorunconventionally.
oo Youownyourgrief.Nooneelsecantellyouhowtofeeloract.
oo Atimeoflosscanbeatimeofrecovery.
oo Notallquestionshaveanswers,butthey’reworthasking.
oo Yougettochoosehowyourespondtothisloss.
oo Thislosswillshapeyoursoullikenothingelseeverwill.
oo Sometimesalosswillbringupanyotherlossyou’veexperienced.
oo Losingachildmightalsomeanlosingyourhopes/expectationsforthefuture.
“Don’t�be�surprised��
if�you�forget�details�and�
are�caught�off�guard.��
You�have�a�lot�on�your�
mind;�be�kind�to�yourself.”�
6
HOW GRIEF AFFECTS CHILDREN
Youmayhaveotherchildreninyourlifewhoaregrieving.Whentalkingto
childrenaboutdeath,remember:
Somechildrenunderstandthefinalityofdeathbetterthanothers.Tailoryour
languagetothechild’slevel.
Useawarmandgentletone.Establisheyecontactandgetonthechild’slevel
whentalkingtohimorher.Taketimetolistenandaskabouttheirconcerns.
Encouragethemtoaskquestions.Childrenmaynothaveanimmediateorobvious
responsetolearningthatalovedonehasdied.Theymaytaketimetoprocessand
repeatthesamequestionoverandoveragain.Thisrepetitionis
normalandhelpsthemtobeginunderstandingwhatdeath
means.
Childrentendtothinkinsimpleterms.Usedirect
languagelike“died”and“dead.”Avoidusingterms
suchas“wenttosleepandneverwokeup,”or“we
losther.”
Allowyourchildtoparticipateinthefuneral/
memorialiftheywant,butdonotforcethem.
Preparethembydiscussingwhatthefuneralmight
belike.Talkaboutwhowillbethere,wherethebody
willbeduringtheceremonyorviewing,andwhat
kindsofemotionalreactionspeoplemayhave.
Behonest.Expressyourownfeelingsaboutdeath.Itisokayto
cryinfrontofchildren–thisshowsthemhowtheycanexpresstheirgrief.
Notallchildrenhaveimmediateorobviousreactionsafterlearningalovedone
hasdied.Griefisaprocessthattakestime.Bepatientandavailableasthey
processwhatthedeathmeanstothem.
Therearepeopleinthecommunitywhocanhelp.Ifyouareworriedaboutachild
inyourlife,contacttheBereavementCoordinatoratChildren’sHospitalColorado
oralocalmentalhealthprofessional.
“If�you�have�school-aged�
children,�don’t�forget�to�call��
the�school�and�let�them�know�
the�circumstances.”
7
MAKING ARRANGEMENTS
Whenitcomestosayinggoodbyeandfindingarestingplaceforyourchild,you
havemanychoicesandconsiderations.Yourfuneraldirectororreligiousadvisorcan
helpyoumakedecisionsabouttheservice,holdingaviewing,havingagathering,
yourchild’sfinalrestingplaceandcanhelpansweranyotherquestions.Theyare
experiencedinguidingpeoplethroughthisprocess;however,ifyoufeeltheyare
notaddressingyourconcerns,callyoursocialworkerorChildren’sColorado’s
BereavementCoordinator.
Considerations:
Takeyourtime.Therearefewreasonstohurrywhenmakingfinalarrangements
foryourchild.
Bringalongatrustedrelativeorfriendwhenmakingarrangements.
Considertalkingtoareligiousleaderand/oralocalfuneraldirector,evenifyou
plantogooutofstate.
Askfuneraldirectorsabouttheircosts,andhowthefuneralhomeapproaches
careforachild.Itisimportantthatthefuneralhomeissensitivetoyourwishes.
Inthecaseofababyorchilddeath,manyfuneralhomesandcemeterieswill
providereducedrates.
Askfuneralhomesandcemeteriesaboutuniqueservicestheymayofferto
familieswhohavehadachilddie(e.g.balloonreleaseordoverelease).
Somemortuariespromotefamilyinvolvement,
likeparentsandfamilymembersseeingtheir
childatthefuneralhome,andperhaps
evendressingandholding
theirchild.
“�Do�not�be�afraid�to�ask�for�help.�
People�really�want�to�help.”
8
If you live far away
Ifyouarecomfortablewithafuneraldirectorinyourhometown,contactthem.It
maystillbeagoodideatocontactalocalfuneraldirectorforassistanceevenif
youplantotakeyourchildtoyourhometownoroutofstate.
Ifyouchooseburialinanotherstate,alocalfuneralhomewillneedtoembalm
yourchild’sbody(inmostcases).Embalmingisaprocessthathelpspreservethe
body.Thefuneraldirectorinyourhomestatecanmakethosearrangementsfor
youwithalocalfuneraldirector.
Ifyouchoosecremation,andyoudonotwishtohaveaviewinginyourhome
state,choosinglocalcremationmakestransportationeasier.
Financial Resources
Thefuneraldirectorcanhelpfilepaperworkforpaymentsource(s)if/whenapplicable.
Possibleopaymentosources,oifoyourochildoqualifies:o
Medicaid:ifthechildreceivedMedicaid,contactthecounty’sDepartment
ofHumanServiceswherethechildresided.Youmayneedtomeetwitha
departmentrepresentativewhowillfurnishyouwithaletterauthorizingfunding.
Veteran’sobenefits:ifatleastoneparentservedinthe
military,theremaybefinancialassistanceavailable,
andthechildmaybepermittedtobeburiedina
militarycemetery.Visitcem.va.gov.
Victimsoassistance:ifthechildwasthe
victimofacrime,contacttheCrime
Victim’sCompensationFundintheDistrict
Attorney’sOfficeofthecountywherethe
incidentoccurred.Usuallyalocalfuneral
homecandothisforyou.
“�Have�a�family�member�or�friend�organize�the�
after�funeral�get�together�at�your�home,�church,�
funeral�home�or�other�location.�A�reception�is�a�
good�time�to�share�in�a�less�formal�setting.”�
“When�shopping�for�
a�headstone,�don’t�be�
afraid�to�shop�around.�
Costs�vary�dramatically��
at�different�stores.”
9
“Dry�some�of��
the�flowers�from�
the�funeral�to�
make�wreaths.”
“You�do�not�have�
to�spend�a�lot�of�
money�to�show�
you�love�your�
child.”
Autopsy Information
Incertainsituations,acoronerisinvolvedandthey
musthaveanautopsy;thereisnochoice.Some
familieschoosetohaveanautopsy.
Anautopsyisaprocedureinwhichatrainedspecialist
willcarefullyexamineyourchild’sbodytohelpdetermine
thecauseofdeath.Theremaybeimportantinformationto
learnaboutyourchild’sdeaththatmaybehelpfultoyou,orto
otherchildrenwho,inthefuture,havethesameillnessorcondition.
ThelawsoftheStateofColoradorequirethatanypatientwhodiesinahospital
within24hoursofadmissionmusthaveanautopsy.Thisisreferredtoasa
“coroner’scase”or“medicalexaminer’scase.”Theremayalsobeotherreasons
whythecountycoroner/medicalexaminerrequiresanautopsy.However,many
timespermissionforanautopsyisyourstogive.
ThereisnochargetothefamilyifthecoronerormedicalexaminerorChildren’s
Coloradoperformstheautopsy.
Havinganautopsyshouldnotdelayarrangementsforyourchild,althoughitmay
beadayortwo,dependingonthecircumstances.
Itgenerallytakesthreemonthstocompletetheautopsyreport.
Yourchild’sattendingphysicianwillreceivethereport;whenyou
areready,askthephysiciantoreviewthoseresults
withyou,ifyou’dlike.
10
Bereavedparentssharetheirthoughtsandwishesaboutwhathashappenedandhow
friendsandfamilycansupportthem.
Iwishmychildhadn’tdied.
Don’tbeafraidtospeakmychild’sname.Mychildlivedandwasveryimportantto
me.Ineedtohearthatmychildwasimportanttoyoutoo.
Youwon’thurtmeifIbecomeemotionalwhenyoutalkaboutmychild.Icry
becausemychilddied.Youhavetalkedaboutmychild,andyouhaveallowedme
tosharemygrief.Ithankyouforboth.
Ithurtsmewhenyouremovemychild’spictures,artwork,orotherremembrances
fromyourhome.
Don’tshyawayfromme.Ineedyounowmorethanever.
Allowmetotalkaboutmychild,
evenifitseemslikeit’stoomuch.
Ineeddiversions,soIdowantto
hearaboutyou;butIalsowant
youtohearaboutme.
A BEREAVED PARENT’S
wish list
“�Have�someone�stay�at�your�home�during�
the�service�and�funeral.�This�person�can�
answer�the�phone�calls�and�make�sure�
everything�stays�safe�at�the�home.”�
11
Letmeknowaboutthetimesyouthinkandprayforme.
Tellmehowmychild’sdeathhasaffectedyou.
Don’texpectmygrieftobeoverinsixmonths;mygriefwillneverbeover.Iwill
foreverlivewiththedeathofmychild.
Don’texpectmeto“notthinkaboutit”orto“behappy.”Neitherwillhappenfora
verylongtime.
Mylifehasshattered.IknowitismiserableforyoutobearoundmewhenI’m
feelingmiserable.PleasebeaspatientwithmeasIamwithyou.
Myexpressionsofgriefarenormal.Depression,anger,frustration,hopelessness,
andoverwhelmingsadnessaresomeofthemanyemotionstoexpect.So,please
excusemewhenI’mquietandwithdrawnorirritableandcranky.
TakingthingsonehouratatimeisallIcanhandlerightnow.
ExcusemeifIseemrude–itisnotmyintent.Sometimestheworldaroundme
goestoofastandIreact.WhenIwalkaway,letmefindaquietplacetospend
timealone.
IamnotthesamepersonIwasbeforemychilddied,andIwillneverbethat
personagain.
Ihopeyouneverhavetogothroughthisexperience.
Reactingtodeathremindspeopleoftheirowndeath.Beawareofhowthismakes
youfeelaboutyourimmortality.Sometimespeopledon’tacknowledgethat,andit
leadstothoughtlessorinsensitiveremarksthatcanreallyhurt.
“Decide�if�you�
would�like�donations�
made�to�a�charity�
organization�in�your�
child’s�name.”
The�Colors�of�Healing�Bereavement�Program�is�always�
available�to�provide�support�for�you�and�your�family.
Please�let�the�Bereavement�Coordinator�know��
if�you�have�any�questions,�needs,�or�concerns�that�
need�attention.�Children’s�Colorado�wishes�you�peace,�
comfort,�and�healing�during�this�difficult�time.�
Anschutz Medical Campus13123 East 16th AvenueAurora, Colorado 80045
childrenscolorado.org