The Comic Dictionary

The Comic Dictionary

• AcquaintanceA person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

• Amnesty The state's magnanimity

to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Adolescence

The age between puberty and adultery.

Adult

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.

Advertising

A technique that makes you think you’ve longed all your live for something you’ve never heard of before.

Alcohol

A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.

Alimony

The high cost of leaving.

Ambassador

An honest man sent abroad to lie for the commonwealth.

Ant

A small insect that, thought always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Baby

An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibly at the other.

Bank

An institution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you don’t need it. Ambrose Bierce

Barber shop

A clip joint.

Bargain

A transaction in which each party thinks he as cheated the other.

Beach

A place where a girl goes in her baiting suit.

Bigamy

One wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Boaster

A person who, every time he opens his mouth, puts his feats in.

Bore

One who insist upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

Boss of the family

Whoever can spend ten dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it.

Brat

A kid that displays his pest manners.

Bridge

A card game in which a good deal depends upon a good deal.

Budget

A system of worrying before you spend, instead of after.

Childish game

One at which your wife beats you.

Committee

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Conceit

A form of I-strain.

Crook

A business rival who has just left the room.

Cynic

One who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Darkroom

A place where many a girl develop a with a negative reputation.

Dachshund

Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.

Dentist

A man who lives from hand to mouth.

Diner

A restaurant where you can eat dirt cheap… but who want to eat dirt?

Sarcasm

Intellect on the offensive.

Skeleton

A man with his insides taken out and his outsides taken off.

Strength of Mind

A person who can eat one salted peanut.

Tact

The ability to make your guests feel at home when you wish they were.

Temperate Climate

One which is freezing cold in winter and sizzling hot in summer.

Traffic Light

A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Vulgarity

Other people’s conduct.

Yesmen

Fellows who hang around the man that nobody noes.