The Country Wife Act IV Scene III

The Country Wife Act IV Scene III

PINCHWIFE. Come, minx, sit down and write.Mrs. Pinch. Ay, dear bud, but I cant dot very well.

Pinch. I wish you could not at all.

Mrs. Pinch. But what should I write for?

Pinch. Ill have you write a letter to your lover.

Mrs. Pinch. O Lord, to the fine gentleman a letter!

Pinch. Yes, to the fine gentleman.

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, you do but jeer: sure you jest.

Pinch. I am not so merry: come, write as I bid you.

Mrs. Pinch. What, do you think I am a fool?

Pinch. [aside]. Shes afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore shes unwilling.[Aloud.] But you had best begin.

Mrs. Pinch. Indeed, and indeed, but I wont, so I wont.

Pinch. Why?

Mrs. Pinch. Because hes in town; you may send for him if you will.

Pinch. Very well, you would have him brought to you; is it come to this? I say, take the pen and write, or youll provoke me.

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what dye make a fool of me for? Dont I know that letters are never writ but from the country to London, and from London into the country? Now hes in town, and I am in town too; therefore I cant write to him, you know.

Pinch. [aside]. So, I am glad it is no worse; she is innocent enough yet.[Aloud.] Yes, you may, when your husband bids you, write letters to people that are in town.

Mrs. Pinch. O, may I so? then Im satisfied.

Pinch.Come, begin:Sir

[Dictates.Mrs. Pinch.Shant I say, Dear Sir?You know one says always something more than bare Sir.

Pinch.Write as I bid you, or I will write whore with this penknife in your face.

Mrs. Pinch.Nay, good budSir

[Writes.Pinch.Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embracesWrite!

Mrs. Pinch.Nay, why should I say so? You know I told you he had a sweet breath.

Pinch.Write!

Mrs. Pinch.Let me but put out loathed.

Pinch.Write, I say!

Mrs. Pinch.Well then.

[WritesPinch.Lets see, what have you writ?[Takes the paper and reads.] Though I suffered last night your kisses and embracesThou impudent creature! where is nauseous and loathed?

Mrs. Pinch.I cant abide to write such filthy words.

Pinch.Once more write as Id have you, and question it not, or I will spoil thy writing with this. I will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief.

[Holds up the penknife.Mrs. Pinch.O Lord! I will.

Pinch.Sosolets see now.[Reads.] Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embracesgo onyet I would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat themso

[She writes.Mrs. Pinch.I have writ it.

Pinch.On, thenI then concealed myself from your knowledge, to avoid your insolencies.

[She writes.Mrs. Pinch.So

Pinch.The same reason, now I am out of your hands

[She writes.Mrs. Pinch.So

Pinch.Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent frolic, of being in mans clothes

[She writes.Mrs. Pinch.So

Pinch.That you may for evermore cease to pursue her, who hates and detests you

[She writes on.Mrs. Pinch.Soheigh!

[Sighs.Pinch.What, do you sigh?detests youas much as she loves her husband and her honour.

Mrs. Pinch.I vow, husband, hell neer believe I should write such a letter.

Pinch.What, hed expect a kinder from you? Come, now your name only.

Mrs. Pinch.What, shant I say Your most faithful humble servant till death?

Pinch.No, tormenting fiend![Aside.] Her style, I find, would be very soft.[Aloud.] Come, wrap it up now, whilst I go fetch wax and a candle; and write on the backside, For Mr. Horner.

[Exit.Mrs. Pinch.For Mr. Horner.So, I am glad he has told me his name. Dear Mr. Horner! but why should I send thee such a letter that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me? Well, I will not send it.Ay, but then my husband will kill me for I see plainly wont let me love Mr. Hornerbut what care I for my husband?I wont, so I wont, send poor Mr. Horner such a letterBut then my husbandbut oh, what if I writ at bottom my husband made me write it?Ay, but then my husband would seetCan one have no shift? ah, a London woman would have had a hundred presently. Staywhat if I should write a letter, and wrap it up like this, and write upont too? Ay, but then my husband would seetI dont know what to do.But yet evads Ill try, so I willfor I will not send this letter to poor Mr. Horner, come what will ont. Dear, sweet Mr. Horner[Writes and repeats what she writes.]somy husband would have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly letter; but I wontsoand would have me forbid you loving me; but I wontsoand would have me say to you, I hate you, poor Mr. Horner; but I wont tell a lie for himtherefor Im sure if you and I were in the country at cards togethersoI could not help treading on your toe under the tablesoor rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face, till you saw mevery welland then looking down, and blushing for an hour togetherso but I must make haste before my husband comes: and now he has taught me to write letters, you shall have longer ones from me, who am, dear, dear, poor, dear Mr. Horner, your most humble friend, and servant to command till death,Margery Pinchwife. Stay, I must give him a hint at bottomsonow wrap it up just like tothersonow write For Mr. HornerBut oh now, what shall I do with it? for here comes my husband.

Re-enterPINCHWIFE.

Pinch. [aside].I have been detained by a sparkish coxcomb, who pretended a visit to me; but I fear twas to my wife [Aloud.] What, have you done?

Mrs. Pinch.Ay, ay, bud, just now.

Pinch.Lets seet: what dye tremble for? what, you would not have it go?

Mrs. Pinch.Here[aside.] No, I must not give him that: so I had been served if I had given him this.

[He opens and reads the first letter.Pinch.Come, wheres the wax and seal?

Mrs. Pinch.[aside]. Lord, what shall I do now? Nay, then I have it[aloud.] Pray let me seet. Lord, you think me so arrant a fool, I cannot seal a letter; I will dot, so I will. [Snatches the letter from him, changes it for the other, seals it, and delivers it to him.Pinch.Nay, I believe you will learn that, and other things too, which I would not have you.

Mrs. Pinch.So, hant I done it curiously?[Aside.] I think I have; theres my letter going to Mr. Horner, since hell needs have me send letters to folks.

Pinch.Tis very well; but I warrant, you would not have it go now?

Mrs. Pinch.Yes, indeed, but I would, bud, now.

Pinch.Well, you are a good girl then. Come, let me lock you up in your chamber, till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window when I am gone, for I have a spy in the street.[ExitMrs. PINCHWIFE,PINCHWIFElocks the door.] At least, tis fit she think so. If we do not cheat women, theyll cheat us, and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies, of which a wife is the most dangerous; and he that has a handsome one to keep, and a frontier town, must provide against treachery, rather than open force. Now I have secured all within, Ill deal with the foe without, with false intelligence.

London CuckoldsRam.What, Madam, not in bed yet?

Arab.Is it late, Sir?

Ram.Oh very late; sitting up is pernicious to beauty---

Arab.I'll take care of mine from your kind admonition,---I have but little and should preserve it---in order thereunto, Sir, I beg your pardon, and take my leave

Ram.Ay ay, to bed, to bed,---Mrs.Engine, pray help me to a cap or a napkin.---

Arab.What mean you, Sir?

Ram.Faith, to go to bed too.---

Arab.You'll go home first?---

Ram.Devil take me if I do.

Arab.What mean you then?

Ram.To stay and sleep with you.---

Arab.With me?

Ram.Even so.

Arab.Whether I will or no?

Ram.That's e'n as you please; if you are as willing as I, 'tis so much the better.

Arab.Sure you are but in jest.

Ram.'Gad in as good earnest as ever I was in my life.---Come, Madam, act not against your Conscience, I know how matters go; you are a fine, a young, brisk, handsome Lady, and have a dull dronish Husband without a sting, I am a young active fellow fit for imployment, and 'ygad I know your wants, and for once will throw my self upon you, therefore come, Madam, come, your night-dress becomes you so well, and you look so very tempting---I can hardly forbear you a minute longer.

Arab.You are very sharp set---methinks---

Ram.Therefore be mercifull to a half famished Lover, and let me fall too without farther ceremony; Dear creature, go to thy bed, and let me not lose a minute of this blessed opportunity, the nights are short.---

Arab.Nay I confess, now my Husband is out of Town, I am almost affraid to lie alone.

Eng.Truly, and well you may, for I think the house is a little haunted--- would I had a bed-fellow too, but the best on't is, I lie but in the next Chamber within.

Arab.If any Spright comes, call to me.

Eng.I thank you, Madam, but if it be not an arrant Devil indeed, I shall make shift to lay him without help.

Ram.I dare swear, she'll make nothing of a Spright, she'll conjure him down I warant you.

Arab.Well, well, Mr.Ramble, will you be conjur'd home?

Ram.Conjur'd home? no, Madam, the Devil, I am sure, will be on my side, and let me stay here.

Arab.I could chide you severely now, for your ill opinion of me, but you'd not care for't, and to stay longer to give you good Counsell would be loss of time, for I perceive you are past reclaim.

Ram.Oh leave not so good a work unfinish'd, keep me with you all night, take a little pains extraordinary, I am not so stiff-neck'd a sinner but I may be mollified e'r morning.

Arab.No, I am very sleepy and must go to bed, therefore pray begone.

Ram.If I go to night, let me be canoniz'd; is't possible, think you,[75] for a man of flesh and bloud, to overcome so sweet a temptation?

Arab.Go, Sir, as you hope---

Ram.Nay, as for Hope and all that, ne'r question it: I have both Faith, Hope and Charity; Faith to believe you dissemble, Hope that you love me, and Charity enough to supply your wants in your Husband's absence.

Arab.Well, Sir, I find you intend to be troublesome, I'll leave you.

Ram.But I shan't leave you.

Arab.Why, what do you intend to do?

Ram.To follow you.

Arab.Whither?

Ram.To your Chamber.

Arab.For what?

Ram.To hugg, kiss, and come to bed to you.

Arab.You won't offer it---

Ram.I will.

Arab.Give me a Candle: since you are so resolute, I'll try.

Ram.Perhaps you'll shut the door.

Arab.I scorn't: I'll see what you dare doe.

Ram.I'll dare if I die for't.

Arab.Take notice then, thou desperate resolute man, that I now go to my chamber, where I'll undress me, go into my bed, and if you dare to follow me, kiss or come to bed to me; if all the strength and passion a provoked woman has, can do't, I'll lay thee breathless and panting, and so maul thee, thou shalt ever after be affraid to look a woman in the face.

Ram.Stay and hear me now: Thou shalt no sooner be there but I'll bethere; kiss you, hugg you, tumble you, tumble your bed, tumble into your bed, down with you, and as often as I down with you be sure to give you the rising blow, that if at last you do chance to maul me, 'Gad you shan't have much reason to brag in the morning, and so angry, threatning woman get thee gone and doe thy worst.

Arab.And, Sir, doe you your best. Adieu.---

The Beaux Stratagem

Mrs.Sull.A good Rest to my dearDorinda---Thoughts free! are they so? why then suppose him here, dress'd like a youthful, gay and burning Bridegroom.[Here Archer steals out of the Closet.]with Tongue enchanting, Eyes bewitching, Knees imploring.[Turns a little o' one side, and sees Archer in the Posture she describes.][125] Ah![Shreeks, and runs to the other Side of the Stage]Have my Thoughts rais'd a Spirit?---What are you, Sir, a Man or a Devil?

Arch.A Man, a Man, Madam.

[Rising.

Mrs.Sull.How shall I be sure of it?

Arch.Madam, I'll give you Demonstration this Minute.

[Takes her Hand.

Mrs.Sull.What, Sir! do you intend to be rude?

Arch.Yes, Madam, if you please.

Mrs.Sull.In the Name of Wonder, Whence came ye?

Arch.From the Skies, Madam---I'm aJupiterin Love, and you shall be myAlimena.Mrs.Sull.How came you in?

Arch.I flew in at the Window, Madam, your CozenCupidlent me his Wings, and your SisterVenusopen'd the Casement.

Mrs.Sull.I'm struck dumb with Admiration.

Arch.And I with wonder.

[Looks passionately at her.

Mrs.Sull.What will become of me?

Arch.How beautiful she looks---The teeming Jolly Spring Smiles in her blooming Face, and when she was conceiv'd, her Mother smelt to Roses, look'd on Lillies---

Lillies unfold their white, their fragrant Charms,When the warm Sun thus Darts into their Arms.[Runs to her.

Mrs.Sull.Ah![Shreeks.]

Arch.Oons, Madam, what d'ye mean? you'll raise the House.

Mrs.Sull.Sir, I'll wake the Dead before I bear this--- What! approach me with the Freedoms of a Keeper; I'm glad on't, your Impudence has cur'd me.

Arch.If this be Impudence[Kneels]I leave to your partial self; no panting Pilgrim after a tedious, painful Voyage, e'er bow'd before his Saint with more Devotion.

Mrs.Sull.Now, now, I'm ruin'd, if he kneels![Aside]rise thou prostrate Ingineer, not all thy undermining Skill shall reach my Heart---Rise, and know, I am a Woman without my Sex, I can love to all the Tenderness of Wishes, Sighs and Tears---But go no farther---Still to convince you that I'm more than Woman, I can speak my Frailty, confess my Weakness even for you---But---

Arch.For me!

[Going to lay hold on her.

Mrs.Sull.Hold, Sir, build not upon that---For my most mortal hatred follows if you disobey what I command you now--- Leave me this Minute---If he denies, I'm lost.

[Aside.Arch.Then you'll promise---

Mrs.Sull.Any thing another time.

Arch.When shall I come?

Mrs.Sull.To Morrow when you will.Arch.Your Lips must seal the Promise.

Mrs.Sull.Pshaw!

Arch.They must, they must[Kisses her]Raptures and Paradice! and why not now, my Angel? the Time, the PlaceSilence and Secresy, all conspire---And the now conscious Stars have preordain'd this Moment for my Happiness.

[Takes her in his Arms.

Mrs.Sull.You will not, cannot sure.

Arch.If the Sun rides fast, and disappoints not Mortals of to Morrow's Dawn, this Night shall crown my Joys.

Mrs.Sull.My Sex's Pride assist me.

Arch.My Sex's Strength help me.

Mrs.Sull.You shall kill me first.

Arch.I'll dye with you.

[Carrying her off.

Mrs.Sull.Thieves, Thieves, Murther---