THE DAY THE PESTO DIED

Written by:Joe Fleming

(703) 627-9198illogicalcapt@gmail.com

Herndon, VA 20170300 Marjorie Lane

Joe Fleming

INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - AFTERNOONFade in from opening credits. Bob and Linda have gathered in their kitchen on a dark, rainy Saturday afternoon.

BOBWell, there goes our Saturday afternoon, picnic. I was really looking forward to grilling meat outside...

LINDABut what about all the potato salad you asked me to make? I stayed up for three days making all of it!

Cut to multiple, large containers of potato salad sitting on the kitchen counter, flies are buzzing around and it's stench is apparent.

BOBLin, nobody asked you to make potato salad...

LINDASure you did! You love my potato salad, remember? Just last night you we're begging me to make it?

BOBYou just said you stayed up for three days making-

Linda forces herself directly in front of Bob's face.LINDA

(angrily, to Bob) You were begging me...To. Make. It.

BOB(laughs uncomfortably) Okay, well I guess we can serve it in the restaurant. (calls) Gene! Come help me with your mother's potato salad.

After a minor beat, Gene walks into the kitchen and over to the potato salad. Once there he takes a whiff of it.

GENESmells like my socks.

BOBOkay, maybe not in the restaurant.

CUT TO:

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EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND BOB'S BURGERS - MOMENTS LATERBob and Gene are dragging two large trash bags full of Linda's potato salad down their back alleyway, some is leaking and dripping to the ground. The rain has stopped, but it is still cloudy and wet as the two walk and talk.

GENEI still don't get it, what do the Pesto's want with Mom's disgusting potato salad?

LINDA (O.S.)(from above, in a window) Hey!

BOBWe weren't talking about your potato salad, we were talking about someone else's.

LINDA (O.S.)Oh. (happy) Okay!

BOB(back to Gene) He doesn't want the potato salad, Gene. We're going to give it to him, and if he doesn't like it, well that's just too bad...

Cut to a montage in Bob's imagination, very cheerful music plays as Jimmy Pesto is imagined in multiple scenarios. First, Jimmy is standing in his office, visibly catching the whiff of a bad smell, he looks behind his desk and the bag of potato salad is waiting for him,frustrating him. Next, he is in his kitchen and opens the refrigerator when he whiffs a bad smell again and sees the potato salad in the refrigerator. Then, Jimmy, who looks more and more annoyed, goes to the bathroom and opens one of the stalls to be once more find potato salad on the toilet. Finally, Jimmy goes to bed at night, after checking his entire room for potato salad, he finally relaxes and lifts the covers of his beto see the bag of potato salad waiting for him. Jimmy freaks out and runs out of the room. Cut to Bob, outside of Pesto's, wringing his hands and laughing.Once the montage is over, cut back to Bob who is grinning and chuckling stupidly.

GENEEarth to Dad! I'm standing here with a bag of potato salad and absolutely no idea what to do with it!

Bob snaps out of it and comes to.

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BOBWhat? Oh yeah, right. Let's go Gene, I'm about to give you a lesson straight from the Belcher Family Guide to Kicking Ass.

GENE(gasps in excitement) That's a thing!?

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUSBob and Gene, still carrying the two large garbage bags, approach the backdoor and dumpster area of Pesto's Pizzeria.

BOBOkay, Gene, this is it. I'm going to push you up into this vent. You're going to sneak through the air ducts until you're above Jimmy's office. Leave the bags up there, and come on back. Then we sit back and let the stink do the rest.

GENECrawl spaces, bad smells and revenge? This has the makings of the best father/son day ever!

Suddenly, the knob on the backdoor starts to jiggle.BOB

Quick! Get down! Someone's coming!Bob dives behind a dumpster with the bags of potato salad, leaving Gene standing all alone as the door to the restaurant opens. Jimmy Pesto looks around outside and then down at Gene.

JIMMYOh, it's just one of Belcher's weird kids...

Jimmy looks around suspiciously. JIMMY (CONT'D)

What are you doing out here?GENE

(thinks) Just admiring your fine pizzeria, sir.

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JIMMYFrom the back?

GENEHey! The back is where the magic happens, baby! Just ask my butt.

JIMMY(shirks in disgust) Jeez kid, relax. (looks around once more) And it's just you? Thought I heard a man's voice. Kind of sounded like your loser dad.

GENEOkay! So I enjoy empty alleys and I am going though puberty. What is your qualm here, sir?!

JIMMY(thinks suspiciously for a moment) You're a real weird kid, you know that?

Jimmy goes back inside and slams the door, we audibly hear a lock clicking into place. Bob comes out of hiding.

GENE(shouts, to Jimmy) Thank you!

BOBGood work, Gene, way to think on your feet! Maybe you've already gotten some of that training from the Belcher Guide, huh? Huh?

GENEYeah, it was funny the first time Dad, but now you're just forcing it on me.

BOB(disappointed) Eh.

CUT TO:

INT. PESTO'S PIZZERIA AIR DUCTS - MOMENTS LATERGene is quietly and methodically moving through the small, metal air ducts of Pesto's Pizzeria. Trailing him are both large bags of potato salad, being pulled by a long rope, tied to Gene.

GENE(to himself) Come on, Gene! Do it for Dad! Do it for the family

(MORE)

GENE (CONT'D)

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honor! Do it for Earl Potato! Creator of the potato salad.

Gene keeps moving through the air ducts until he spies a burst of light coming from a vent ahead of him.

GENE (CONT'D)Eureka! (sniffs) Ooph, and so does all of this potato salad-

Suddenly, Gene hears a voice from below.JIMMY (O.S.)

You're going to knock 'em dead, ay Jimmy boy?

Gene's interest peaks and he goes to examine the voice coming from the vent. We see down into the office of Jimmy Pesto, who is getting ready and talking to himself in the mirror.

JIMMY (CONT'D)No pressure, baby, you got this in the bag. I can feel it! I can hear it! I can- (sniffs) Yuck, I can smell it...

Jimmy buttons his last button and walks away toward the door.JIMMY (CONT'D)

(sniffs again) Going to have to get that checked out...

Jimmy exits, leaving the room completely empty. Gene kicks the vent open.

GENEEnter, stage up, the Potato Salad Prankster.

Gene straddles the vent enough for one foot to dangle out. He lowers one bag down through the vent and holds on to it with the rope. The bag is very heavy.

GENE (CONT'D)The only thing worse than having a bag of potato salad above you, is to have it sitting right next to you! The irony! Dad would be so proud... Dad and Tennessee Williams.

Gene begins to lower the bag down into the office, stretching his arm to keep lowering it.

GENE (CONT'D)And now to gently lower it the rest of the way.

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On this line, Gene drops the rope entirely, causing the bag to sail down to the floor, exploding on impact. Potato salad flies everywhere, covering the office.

GENE (CONT'D)Whoops.

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUSBob is still standing guard outside of Pesto's backdoor, near the open vent. He looks at his watch and is visibly worried.

BOBWhat is taking so long?

Bob goes over to the vent and peers in, lighting up his phone and trying to use it as a flashlight to see.

BOB (CONT'D)(whispered) Gene? Are you in there? Hurry up, buddy! Someone will be here soon! Gene?

CUT TO:

INT. PESTO'S PIZZERIA AIR DUCTS - CONTINUOUSGene is back in the air ducts and goes to close the vent behind him when he accidentally kicks the second bag, still with him, back into the vent hole. The bag falls into Pesto's office and explodes. The office now has a small pool of potato salad on the floor and the desk, lamp, couch and other furniture are all completely covered.

GENEOk, I'll admit, that one could have been avoided.

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUSBob is still looking into the vent calling out in whispers.

BOB(whispered) Gene! Gene!

Suddenly Gene appears in the vent and Bob is taken aback.GENE

Yeah, yeah. I'm here, I'm here.

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Bob helps Gene down from the vent and sets him on the ground.BOB

So? How did it go? I'll bet Pesto doesn't think to look for the smell in his air ducts for at least a week!

GENEIt's all fine. Now, let's just get out of here and never talk about this ever happening again, ever.

Bob and Gene begin to walk out of the alleyway, toward the main street.

BOBWhy, what happened?

GENEOh, nothing, just a little mix up is all...

BOBWhat the-

As Bob and Gene emerge from the alleyway, they see Hugo's car, with the health inspector's seal, parked outside of Pesto's Pizzeria.

BOB (CONT'D)What is Hugo doing here?

RONOh, hey Bob.

Ron is sitting in the passengers seat of the health inspector car, he has the window rolled down to talk to Bob.

BOBOh. Hey Ron, how's it going?

RONOh, not bad. Just doing some monthly inspections. What's going on with you?

BOBShouldn't you be inside if you're doing an inspection?

RONOh, yeah, Hugo thinks it's best if I just stay in the car for most inspections. It's probably better this way. And, he always remembers to leave the window open for me

(MORE)

RON (CONT'D)

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now, too.BOB

Oh...Okay. Well that's weird. And depressing. We're going to go now.

Gene is pulling on Bob's shirt, trying to get his attention, he looks very worried.

GENE(quietly) Dad. I need to talk to you. Now.

BOBWhat is it, Gene? We're almost home.

Suddenly, Hugo bursts out from the front doors of Pesto's Pizzeria in a state of extreme agitation, Jimmy follows behind him looking nervous and confused.

HUGOGood god, Jimmy! Never in my fifteen years as a health inspector have I ever seen something that disgusting!

JIMMYHugo! Eh, Mr. Habercore! I swear! I just cleaned that place from head to toe! This is some kind of trick or a prank or something! Please, you have to believe me!

BOB(to Gene) Gene...

Cut to Gene, who is avoiding eye contact with his dad.HUGO

Ron! Stop slacking off and get out of the car! Get me one of my signs. Now, Ron!

Ron slowly gets out of the car and pops the truck. He gets a large sign from the car and brings it over to Hugo. Hugo grabs it from Ron's hands forcefully.

HUGO (CONT'D)I'm sorry, Jimmy, but as an agent of health and safety, I have no choice but to close down Pesto's Pizzeria.

Hugo slaps the sign across the front window of Pesto's Pizzeria, it reads: "CLOSED: BY ORDER OF THE OCEANSIDE BOARD OF HEALTH"

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HUGO (CONT'D)(to Ron) Ugh, still can't get that smell out of my nose. Disgusting potato salad...

LINDA (O.S.)(from across the street) Hey!

CUT TO:COMMERCIAL

BREAK

INT. BOB'S BURGERS - MOMENTS LATERThe family and Teddy are sitting in Bob's Burgers, discussing the Pesto situation. The kids and Teddy are sitting in various places, while Bob and Linda are behind the counter.

LINDAI know you and Jimmy have had your differences in the past, but getting his place shut down? You're being a real bitch, Bob.

BOBIt wasn't me, Lin! Gene was just supposed to make it smell bad in Pesto's, not cover the entire place with rancid potato salad!

LOUISEOh man, I bet it was like the elevator scene in the Shining. Only white and a lot smellier.

TINAAnd chunkier.

LINDAAnd all that delicious potato salad gone to waste, I thought you said you were going to serve it in here!

BOBNo one would eat that.

GENE & TEDDY(in unison) I would.

BOBSee?

LINDAOh pooh on you! At least I didn't bankrupt a family.

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BOBI didn't- Bankrupt? I mean they'll open back up eventually, right?

Cut to Louise looking out the window.LOUISE

Oh, I don't know, Dad... I think I can see the shanty town the Pesto's have set up in their back alley. Is that? Yup, that's a campfire, they are cooking food over an open flame, people.

Bob gets visibly upset and worried.BOB

What? They are not.LOUISE

No, but if they were I think this would really be sinking in a lot harder for you, Dad.

Cut to Bob's unamused face. CUT TO:

INT. BOB'S BURGERS KITCHEN - LATERBob is alone in the kitchen, cooking burgers on the grill.

BOB(thinking) Shanty town...Yeah right. Louise is crazy, they'll be fine. I'm sure Jimmy has some money put away. If I were in his position I would do the same. Oh wait. I am in his position. Jeez, I should really put some money away.

Suddenly, we can hear Tina's voice, upset, coming from the front of the restaurant.

TINA (O.S.)Dad! Come quick! Some guys are robbing the Pesto's!

Bob is confused and walks over to Tina, who is looking out the front window. He looks out to see repo men taking the "Pesto's Pizzeria" sign from over top of the restaurant. Parked on the street is a clearly marked repo van. Jimmy Pesto is watching all of this happen, looking very distraught.After seeing this, Bob exits and walks across the street to

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the scene, Tina follows him. Bob reaches Jimmy, who does not look happy to seem him.

BOB(aknowledging) Jimmy.

JIMMYBob. I guess you're pretty happy to see all of this happen.

BOBWell, I wouldn't say happy...

JIMMYI just can't believe I got shut down before your crummy burger shack did.

BOB(holding back anger) Yeah, well, what are you doing to do, right?

Cut to a couple of feet away where Tina, who followed Bob across the street, has wandered over to Jimmy, Jr who is standing by the front door watching the repo men dismantle his dad's restaurant.

JIMMY, JRHey, Tina, guess you heard about my Dad's place, huh?

TINAI did, but I definitely haven't heard anything about my dad and brother being responsible for the entire thing.

JIMMY, JRWhat?

TINANothing.

JIMMY, JROh, because I thought you said something.

TINANo, just the wind.

JIMMY, JRBut there isn't any wind...

TINAYes there is.

Tina begins to make wind noises with her mouth, trying to

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trick Jimmy, Jr. He does not fall for it and looks annoyed, suddenly from behind he hears a similar wind noise and is surprised. Zoom out to reveal that one of the repo men has stopped working and is also making wind noises to help Tina.

JIMMY, JR(to repo man) Cut that out!

Repo man stops immediately and gets back to work. Zoom back in on Jimmy and Tina.

JIMMY, JR (CONT'D)What really sucks is my Dad is totally blaming me for what happened.

TINAUgh, parents. Am I right?

JIMMY JRI mean, why would I do it?! I'm a dancer, not a fighter! But if I ever find out who did this to my family, I'll arabesque all over them!

Jimmy Jr. storms away in a huff, dancing as he does.TINA

(sighs, to herself) They sure don't make 'em like that anymore...

Cut back to Bob and Jimmy's conversation.JIMMY

Listen, Bob. Can I be honest with you? You know, without you being a complete chowder head?

BOBI guess...I don't even know what being a chowde- Okay yeah, fine.

JIMMYThis...This might be it for me Bobby boy. I...(chokes back a tear) I...

BOBWhat...What are you doing?

JIMMY(holding back tears) Nothing. I'm not...(crying) Oh god, Bob! My business is gone! So much overpriced pesto that I never got to use...

13.

Jimmy goes into a manic state, bawling and convulsing as he falls to the ground in hysterics.

BOBOh, my god, Jimmy, get up. Please for the love of god, I'm like your worst enemy and I'm begging you to get up.

Jimmy hears this and starts to calm down while still remaining on the ground. He looks up at Bob.

JIMMYWhat am I going to do, Bob? What is my family going to do?

Bob looks upset over hearing this. Suddenly, one of the repo men drops the "Pesto's" sign and it lands on the ground, causing the "o's" to crack off the sign, leaving only the "Pest", also breaking the sad mood.

BOB(chuckles) Oh my god, how have I never realized that the word pest is like eighty percent of your name?! After all of those late nights trying to think up an insulting name for you!

JIMMY(still on the ground) What was that?

BOBUh, nothing... I think it was the wind.

CUT TO:COMMERCIAL

BREAK

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - THE NEXT DAYGene and Louise stand by their lockers, gathering materials for class. Louise composes herself before approaching Gene, obviously up to something.

LOUISEBoy, I bet this is especially hard on Ollie and Andy, you know, with their family being ruined and all.

Cut to Ollie and Andy who are skipping cheerfully down the hall, in unison.

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GENEYeah, you're right, they do look kind of upset...

LOUISEAnd you know, even though it was all Dad's idea, it was really you who butterfingered the potato salad...

GENEQuit beating around the bush and just say what you mean already!

LOUISEYou're the one responsible, Gene.

Dramatic music hits as we zoom in on Gene's face, which is full of worry and sweat.

LOUISE (CONT'D)You're the reason that Pesto's got shut down!

Dramatic music swells and zoom in closer to Gene's sweat face.

LOUISE (CONT'D)You're the reason they're all going to be homeless!

More swelling, more zooming.LOUISE (CONT'D)

Because of YOU, Ollie and Andy will probably be orphaned! Split up and sent to two different families! One will probably be a family of murderers!

GENE(gasps) What about the other one?

LOUISE(sinister) A family of dentists...

GENE(screams in horror) Okay, okay! I'll do it, I'll do it.

LOUISEGood.

GENEWhat am I doing again?

Louise sighs and puts her arm around Gene, leading him away

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from the lockers and towards the twins. She now has a calm, personal demeanor.

LOUISEGene, soon the rest of Pesto family money will be gone and they will be forced to abandon Ollie and Andy. They won't have anyone to feed them, or look after them...Unless of course you were to do something about that...

GENELike what?

LOUISELike raise them? Care for them? You orphaned those two idiots, Gene, now is the time you pay them back by becoming a father!

Gene takes a second to contemplate this but quickly comes to a decision, looking confident and sure of his decision.

GENEHm. You're right, Louise! Ollie and Andy are my responsibility now. I will teach them everything I know!

LOUISE(sardonic) I'm sure that will take no time at all.

GENEThey told me my childhood would go by quickly, but I had no idea it would be this fast...

CUT TO:

EXT. WONDER WHARF STAGE - DAYA large crowd is gathered around the stage at Wonder Wharf on a clear, sunny day. Mr. Fischoeder is on the stage with a microphone, welcoming the crowd.

MR. FISCHOEDERWelcome! Welcome everybody to the twenty-second annual Wonder Wharf cooking contest! It was a grueling competition this year, but we now have our finalists! First from, Pesto's Pizzeria, it's Jimmy Pesto!

The crowd cheers wildly for Jimmy as he enters from stage right wheeling out a gorgeous looking pizza, complete with

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streamers and tiny fireworks going off around it. He is wearing a gold crown and looking very pleased with himself.

JIMMY(to crowd) Thank you! Thank you! You're all too kind!

MR. FISCHOEDERAnd now please welcome our other finalist, from Bob's Burgers, it's Bob!

The crowd goes completely silent as Bob comes walking out, looking very plain and simply holding a burger in his hand.

BOB(nervous, to crowd) Tha- Thank you very much...you know...too.

Linda stands up out of her seat in the crowd and starts to cheer. She is the only one.

LINDAWoo! Yeah Bobby! You go!

The people around her start to look annoyed. The woman sitting behind Linda leans and says

WOMANDo you mind, ma'am? We're trying to cheer for Jimmy.

Linda immediately stops her annoying cheering and sits down, looking embarrassed and deflated.

LINDA(whisper) Sorry.

Cut back to the stage.MR. FISCHOEDER

Well, Bob, it doesn't look like you've got much of the crowd on your side. It seems like they're all (to crowd) Pesto People!

The crowd roars once again. Cut to Linda sitting down, upset, in a sea of cheering people.

LINDA)pouting) Hmph...It's okay when they do it...

Cut back to the stage.

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MR. FISCHOEDERWell, Jimmy it looks like your work is cut out for you. Got anything to say champ?

JIMMY(gurgles)

MR. FISCHOEDERSorry? I didn't quite catch that.

Cut to Jimmy who is looking straight ahead, still gurgling, and then suddenly falls flat on his face, dead. A knife is sticking out of his back.

MR. FISCHOEDER (CONT'D)Good god!

The crowd panics and screams.Mr. Fischoeder quickly goes to Jimmy's body. He lifts and cradles him like a baby.

MR. FISCHOEDER (CONT'D)Who would do this?! Who would cut down this prince of pizza pies in his prime?!

CROWD MEMBERIt was Bob! Look at his hands!

Cut to Bob who is slowly backing away.BOB

What? I didn't do anything.Bob looks down at his hands and sees they are covered in blood.

BOB (CONT'D)Oh my god, I didn't...Did I? Well he was asking for it! Who brings out fireworks with their food? That can't be sanitary!

The crowd begins to boo and heckle Bob, throwing their garbage at him.

BOB (CONT'D)I didn't mean to...

Cut to Linda in the crowd.LINDA

(panic) Oh my god, my Bobby is a murderer! I'll have to testify on trial! (excited) Oh! I can buy a

(MORE)

LINDA (CONT'D)

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vest for when they call me testify! Sexy legal Linda!

Cut back to the front of the stage where the audience is starting to climb onto the stage, toward Bob.

CROWD MEMBERGet him! Get the back stabber!

Cut back to Bob on stage who is hearing all of this and is beginning to panic.

BOBI didn't do anything! I swear! It was just an accident!

The booing intensifies and the crowd draws closer. Mr. Fischoeder approaches Bob.

MR. FISCHOEDERNo one believe you Bob...

Mr. Fischoeder grabs one of Bob's hands and shows him all the blood.

MR. FISCHOEDER (CONT'D)Not when you've been caught red handed!

Bob screams and suddenly...CUT TO:

INT. BOB AND LINDA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSBob wakes up from his nightmare, still screaming and covered in sweat. Linda wakes up and turns on a light. Bob stops screaming but is still breathing heavily.

LINDAWhat- What's going on, Bob?

BOBNothing I...I just had a bad dream.

LINDAOh, well, I tried to tell you not to eat all that jerky before bed.

BOBWhat? (laughs to himself) Jerky? I was having a bad dream because of Jimmy Pesto. I really think screwed up.

19.

LINDAAw, Bob, I knew you cared.

BOBWhere did you get jerky from?

LINDA(defensive) I saw it on the news, people eating too much jerky before bed and they get all panicky in the night. They're calling it Jerky Fever. Scary.

BOBGood night, Lin.

CUT TO:

EXT. OCEAN AVENUE SIDEWALK - THE NEXT DAYOllie and Andy are skipping along the sidewalk when they suddenly spot a hotdog vendor.

OLLIEOh! Andy! Hotdogs!

ANDYHotdogs!

They run over to the hotdog vendor, who is ready for them.ANDY (CONT'D)

One hotdog, please.HOTDOG VENDOR

(confused) But there's two of yas...

OLLIEWe know!

The hotdog vendor shrugs and begins to make the hotdog.HOTDOG VENDOR

Whatever...The hotdog vendor finishes and is about to hand the food over to the twins when suddenly we hear Gene, off screen, screaming:

GENENoooooo!

We can hear Gene running down the street, after a couple of beats, he arrives on the scene and slaps the hotdog out of the vendor's hand. He turns to Ollie and Andy, strictly

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points his finger at the vendor.GENE (CONT'D)

Never take food from a stranger! You don't know him or where he has been!

HOTDOG VENDORI've been right here since six this morning, kid. You gonna pay for that hotdog?

GENENice try! But your street tricks won't work with me, sir. (confident) I'm a dad.

The hotdog vendor looks very confused.GENE (CONT'D)

(to Ollie and Andy) Come on kids, I'm taking you home with me.

OLLIE & ANDYYay!

GENEAnd for dinner...Hotdogs!

CUT TO:

INT. BOB'S BURGERS - AFTERNOONBob is cleaning while Teddy and Mort eat their lunch at the counter.

BOBI just don't know what I'm going to do guys. I mean... I have to help him.

TEDDYAfter all the grief that guy has given you over the years? Psh, I would just say good riddance and been done with it.

BOBJeez, that's kind of harsh, isn't it Teddy?

TEDDYBelieve me, Bobby, you do not want to get on my bad side. I always keep a list of names with me, and believe me, you don't want to be on

(MORE)

TEDDY (CONT'D)

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it...Teddy pulls out a piece of paper and examines it.

TEDDY (CONT'D)Yup, it's been with me ever since I can remember.

Bob goes over to examine the piece of paper.BOB

Teddy, those are tickets for the baseball game today. The one that's going on right now.

TEDDYOh jeez! I knew I forgot something!

Teddy gathers his belongings and rushes out the door.TEDDY (CONT'D)

I'll see you guys later. Go Torpedoes!

Teddy exists.MORT

If the only thing stopping Jimmy from keeping his place open is money, then why don't you just throw a fundraiser in the community, or something?

BOBEveryone in the community hates Jimmy Pesto just as much as I do. Nobody will want to help him with anything, he's an arrogant jerk.

MORTThen why are you helping him?

BOBBecause, I just am, okay? I'm just a good person with a big...Oh my god!

Bob looks out the window and spies a banner going up over the old Pesto's Pizzeria place that reads "NEW HOME OF SAM THE BUTCHER"

BOB (CONT'D)Sam the Butcher is opening up a new store right across from me?! This...This is the best day ever.

Bob dreamily leaves the counter and walks out of his

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restaurant.CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT OF PESTO'S PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUSBob walks across the street over to Mr. Fischoeder and Sam the Butcher who are talking in front of the building. Sam is short, fat, and extremely friendly looking, with a big smile and a welcoming wave. His white t-shirt does not entirely cover his belly and his white butcher's cap is covered in grease.

MR. FISCHOEDERAh Bob! Just the man I wanted to see.

BOBOh, hey, Mr. Fischoeder. (chuckles) I actually had a dream about you last night.

MR. FISCHOEDEROh, well I'm flattered Bob, but I would like to keep this on a professional level for the time being.

BOBOh...No. Not like that. I jus-

MR. FISCHOEDERLet me start by introducing you to my newest tenant, Sam the Butcher.

Bob walks over to Sam and shakes his hand.BOB

It's a real pleasure Mr. The Butcher. I went to your lecture on marinading last spring. It was inspiring.

SAM(laughs heartily, friendly) Well thanks for that, Bob. Say? Are you the owner of that delicious looking burger place across the street?

BOBYeah, that's me...Bob.

SAMThen I'd say that this meeting was meant to be! I've got some real choice ground beef coming in the

(MORE)

SAM (CONT'D)

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next few days, Bob, and I know first hand it makes an amazing burger. Oh! And I just had some pork shoulder the other day that you will go nuts for! Come on it Bob, try my wares!

Bob nods and grunts affirmatively while drooling slightly. BOB

(under his breath) Sorry, Jimmy...CUT TO:

COMMERCIALBREAK

INT. BELCHER FAMILY ROOM - NIGHTBob, Linda, Tina, Gene, and Louise all sit around the family room at night, watching TV and conversing.

BOBIt was amazing, Lin, he has ever kind of meat in existence! He even has a farm upstate where he keeps a prized collection of pigs!

GENEOh my god! I want to be him!

TINAPigs aren't meant to be collected, Gene. They're meant to be tenderly loved and cared for.

LOUISEAnd then tenderly turned into bacon...

LINDA(to Bob) But what about Jimmy? I thought you were going to help him get his place back?

BOBOh, yeah...Jimmy. Well, maybe we're just better off. I really think Sam is going to push this family into it's true potential.

TINABut what if my true potential is marrying Jimmy, Jr and having a prized collection of pigs of my own?

24.

BOBPesto's Pizzeria closing down doesn't have anything to do with you and Jimmy Jr., Tina.

TINAIt has everything to do with it! If you and Mr. Pesto aren't rivals then how will Jimmy, Jr and I secretly fall in love behind your backs?

LINDA(comforting) Aw, Tina, don't worry. I'm sure they'll be plenty of boy's families that I hate.

BOBExactly. The Pesto's will be fine, it's time to being the Age of Sam the Butcher!

Gene and Louise are having a separate conversation to the side of the room.

LOUISE(to Gene) You see? Dad isn't going to help the Pesto's. You're the only family Ollie and Andy have now.

GENEOh, I know, Louise. I spent the entire afternoon with them.

LOUISEWhat about right now?

GENEI've got it all taken care of...

We follow Gene and Louise into Gene's bedroom, he turns on the light and walks over to the window where a cup with a string attached to it is resting on the windowsill. Gene picks up the cup and starts talking into it.

GENE (CONT'D)Ollie? Andy? Are you there? This is your new Dad calling, pick up please.

We can clearly see that the string goes across to the other side of the street, to the apartment above Pesto's Pizzeria. After a beat, the twins answer. We can only hear their voices.

25.

OLLIEDad? Is that you?

ANDYI'm hungry, Dad. Also tired. Also Ollie farted and now it smells bad in here.

OLLIEDid not! Also I'm hungry, too.

GENEI just fed you! Didn't you get any of the animal crackers I threw across the street?

OLLIEI think I got one...

ANDYNo, that was rock, Ollie.

OLLIEOh, then no, we didn't get any.

Gene gives Louise a look of exhaustion.GENE

I never knew fatherhood was so difficult! I should really tell Dad how much I appreciate him.

LOUISEEh, I'm sure he knows.

OLLIEDad! We can't sleep! I think there's a bat in here!

GENE(angry) There's no bat, go to bed!

The cup is silent now. Gene takes a deep breath. Louise walks over to pat him on the back.

LOUISEYou're doing the best you can, champ.

GENEOnly ten more years until they are in college...All the moms in my jogging group say to enjoy the time though, because it flies by...

CUT TO:

26.

EXT. FRONT OF PESTO'S PIZZERIA - THE NEXT DAYBob walks towards the front doors of the Old Pesto's Pizzeria, lined with "Coming Soon!" banners. As he goes to open the doors, Jimmy walks out and the two meet face-to-face.

JIMMYOh, it's you. What do you want?

BOBJust, picking up some meat from Sam's.

We can see through the front doors that Sam, as jubilant as ever, is standing in the store waving happily to Bob, package of shimmering meat in his hand.

SAM(from inside) Hey, Bob!

BOB(quietly, for Jimmy's sake) Hey, Sam.

JIMMYSo, I guess he's going to be a better neighbor than I ever was, huh?

BOBWell, I don't know about better. I mean, he isn't competition. ...Actually he's going to help my business if anything. And he won't call me chowder head. Or Bob the slob. And he won't make fun of my restaurant, or my family-

JIMMYI guess I just always thought the point of us yanking each other's chains was to, you know, push each other. We're constantly competeing but that's always been because we care about the same thing, working hard for our food and for our families. I mean heck, Bob, we both had the gall to name our restaurants after ourselves...

BOB(grunts)

JIMMYIt's a hard, crazy world, Bob, especially for guys like us. To me,

(MORE)

JIMMY (CONT'D)

27.

we are brothers-in-arms, motivating each other to stay alive on this battlefield of small business ownership. And I just want to say, it's been an honor.

Jimmy puts his hand out to shake. Bob's face changes from uninterested to apathetic.

BOBGee...I guess I never really thought of it that way.

Bob looks around and sees the many similarities between himself and Jimmy Pesto. First he looks into Jimmy's car and sees Ollie, Andy, and Jimmy, Jr playing around and then looks across at his own kids sitting in a booth at his restaurant, similarly playing. Then, he looks at Jimmy's apartment above his old restaurant, and then looks across the street at his own home, above his restaurant. Finally, he looks at Jimmy and sees the greasy spatula that Jimmy has tucked in his back pocket and then looks in his own hand and sees a very similar spatula, covered in a very similar grease.

BOB (CONT'D)Jimmy, don't give up hope yet. I will be right back, I've just got to get Lin to make some more potato salad.

JIMMY(confused) What?

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND PESTO'S PIZZERIA - LATERSimilar to the scene in the beginning, Bob and Gene are again in the alleyway behind Pesto's Pizzeria, now called Sam the Butcher's. This time they are only carrying one bag of potato salad.

GENEI feel like this is the definition of not learning your lesson...

BOBWe did. Well we didn't, but we kind of did- Look it doesn't matter. All that matters is we dump this potato salad, blame the entire thing on Sam and force Hugo to let Jimmy open back up.

28.

GENEBut then doesn't that just mean we're doing the same thing to Sam?

BOBNo, because we're fixing the first mistake while we- Never mind, you wouldn't understand.

GENEOh, I do understand, I'm a Dad myself now, Dad. And sneaking this gross potato salad into an air vent, for a second time, is not the way a good dad behaves!

BOB(sighs) Gene if you do this Ollie and Andy will be saved, you won't have to look after them anymore because they'll still have their real dad...

GENE(sad) But I'm their real dad now...I feed them and everything.

BOBGene, part of being a good dad is doing what's best for your kids, no matter what. Jimmy and I have that in common, I bet someday you will too.

Gene is less sad and now has a look of understanding.GENE

I thought my childhood was over, but listening to you has made me realize that I'm still just a kid. Hand me that bag, Dad!

Bob hands Gene the bag of potato salad and starts to push him up into the vents.

BOB(confused, thinks back on what was just said) Well, yeah, I mean you're only eleven years old, Gene, you're definitely still a kid...

CUT TO:

INT. BOB'S BURGERS - LATER THAT DAYBob is sitting at the booth near the front window, drinking

29.

coffee. Linda comes over to him.LINDA

So what? You just left Jimmy Pesto out to dry? For what? Cheap meats? Shame on you, Bobby...

BOBHang on, Lin, just wait...

Suddenly, across the street Hugo and Ron pull up in front of Sam the Butcher's. Sam comes out to greet them. Hugo starts talking to Sam as Ron goes straight in to investigate.

HUGO(to Ron) Make it snappy, Ron! This is an emergency situation!

SAMHey, Hugo! I wasn't expecting you today. Come on in and have a delicious sausage, huh? On Sammy...

HUGOSorry, Sam, no time for sausage. We got an anonymous tip that this place was still covered in rancid potato salad!

SAM(chuckles) What? Sam are you kidding me? I don't even serve potato salad, I'm a butcher!

Ron comes back out, his gloved hand is covered in potato salad.

RONIt's the same stuff as last time.

Dramatic music hits as Sam begins to panic. Bob and Jimmy both appear from their homes and walk toward the scene.

SAMThis is a set up!

HUGOWhat the heck is going with this place and potato salad?

Cut to Bob who is near Sam's car.BOB

Hey guys! Check this out, there are containers of the stuff in the back of Sam's car, I think he might have some kind of obsession with potato

(MORE)

BOB (CONT'D)

30.

salad or something...SAM

(devastated) Why, Bob...Hugo and Ron go over to investigate the car, with Jimmy Pesto following closely behind.

JIMMYSee! I told you it wasn't me! This jerk must have sabotaged my place just so he could open up another chain of stupid butchers!

HUGOAlright, I've heard about enough, let's go Sam, you've got a lot of answer for...

Hugo and Ron lower Sam into the back of their car, similar to a police officer arresting someone, but no where near as serious. Bob sneaks over to the car and whispers to Sam.

BOBI'm sorry, Sam. You were the best, but you have to understand, Jimmy and I, were connected, we both named our restaurants after ourselves!

SAMBut...I named my restaurant after myself, too.

BOB Oh shoot...

Just as Bob delivers the line the car screeches away.CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT OF PESTO'S PIZZERIA - LATERHugo, along with both the Belcher and Pesto families have gathered out front of Pesto's Pizzeria.

HUGOJimmy, I sincerely apologize for thinking you would ever be sick enough to cover your own restaurant in potato salad. Only a truly twisted and demented min could devise a plot so sinister and psychotic.

31.

BOBWell, I wouldn't go that fa-

HUGO(interrupts) And so, it is with great pleasure that I reinstate Pesto's Pizzeria with it's former...

Hugo takes out a new sign health rating sign.HUGO (CONT'D)

C-plus rating. Congratulations, Jimmy.

Everyone cheers as Jimmy accepts the grade and shakes Hugo's hand. Cut to the side of the event, where Tina and Jimmy, Jr. are standing next to each other.

TINAWell, it looks like we're back to being star-crossed lovers from rival families, huh Jimmy Jr.?

JIMMY JRUm...I guess.

After an awkward pause, Jimmy Jr begins to sniff at Tina and looks grossed out.

JIMMY JR (CONT'D)You reek of potato salad.

On this line, Jimmy Jr walks away from Tina, leaving her by herself.

TINAFor never was a story of more woe, than this of Tina and her Jimmy...O.

Cut back to Bob and Jimmy, who are alone talking in front of the doors of Pesto's Pizzeria.

JIMMYSee, Bob? I told you it would all work out.

BOBActually, what I think you said was, "What am I going to do! I'm ruined!"

32.

JIMMYYeah, well that was a moment of weakness. But now, I'm back on top, and ready to start outselling you again during the lunch rush! Woo!

Jimmy turns to walk away. Bob is about to do the same but stops and takes a deep breath.

BOBJimmy, wait.

Jimmy stops and turns back.BOB (CONT'D)

I just wanted to say...That I feel the same way. About, you know, the stuff you were saying yesterday. We're both proud business owners who have to work hard everyday, and I just wanted to say that, if you ever need anything. I've always got your back. Buddy.

Jimmy seems to be touched by these words, he looks like he is about to say something to reciprocate but suddenly he bursts out laughing.

JIMMYHoly smokes! Did anybody else hear that? Hey guys! I think Bob might have a crush on me!

Bob growls in anger and walks away.BOB

(under his breath) Pesto...CUT TO:

INT. GENE'S ROOM - LATERGene and Louise are in Gene's room, standing by the window, near the phone can.

LOUISEWell, Gene, it looks like the Pesto's aren't going to be ruined after all. I guess you won't have to be a father after all.

Gene sighs sadly and goes to listen to the phone can. He lifts it up to hear.

33.

JIMMYHey boys! Who's hungry for a triple hotdog pizza?

OLLIE & ANDYWe are! We are!

OLLIE (CONT'D)Thanks, Dad.

ANDYYou're the greatest!

Gene holds back and tear while pulling out a pair of scissors.

GENE(reluctant) I guess all parents have to cut the cord someday...

Gene uses the scissors to cut the phone cup string that is running across the street. The string is cut and falls gracefully to the street below. The sounds of Ollie and Andy laughing are also cut off. Only silence is left.

LOUISE(after a beat) Want to go steal a pig from that guy's farm?

GENEPIGS!!

CUT TO: ENDCREDITS