The Encyclopedia Irvania, Second Edition 1977, David L. Ferris; … · 2016. 6. 3. · The people of Irvania, being very patriotic, have several mottoes, and no one has decided which

The EncyclopediaIrvania

Second Edition(Abridged)

Original Edition: 1975Second Edition: 1977

Recompiled and reformatted in 1999 for Internet distribution

Compiled by David L. Ferris

Additional material for the Second Edition provided by Charles“Danny” Caron, Glen Virgin, David Williams, and Thomas Williams

In Full Color*

With over 2 illustrations

“This is, without a doubt, the most encyclopedia I’ve ever compiled.”- Zapnik Glek

* The paper is white, the letters are black, the pen marks are blue, the blood spots arered...

The Encyclopedia Irvania, Second EditionCopyright © 1977, David L. Ferris; Copyright © 1999, ArmourSoft

Permission granted to duplicate and distribute freely.Page 1

[Quite a few sections of the Second Edition of this document have been expurgated fromthis abridged version of the Encyclopedia Irvania in the interests of public safety. Thismaterial, some of which dates back to 1972, seemed very funny to a bunch of high schoolsophomores in 1976, but doesn’t make a great deal of sense when read in 1999, disco andJimmy Carter references notwithstanding.]

Irvania (pron: er’- VAY - nee - a)Irvania is the greatest nation on Earth. The capital city, largest city,

and major industrial and commercial center is the city of Irvania, whichextends to the national borders. There are relatively few seaports, asIrvania is landlocked several hundred miles in the middle of Europe. Atpresent the population is either 74 or 75, depending on how you count it.

The national flower of Irvania is the dandelion, which is also the onlyflower that grows in Irvania. There is no national bird, aside from TheChicken, since no birds fly over Irvania.

The flag of Irvania is a rectangular banner utilizing none of the threenational colors: chartreuse, pink, and zinc chromate green.

The people of Irvania, being very patriotic, have several mottoes, andno one has decided which one is the official national motto. Some of themore popular slogans are:

“The army that eats together retreats together.”“It’s every man for himself.”“Eat at Joe’s.”“Semper Gallus” (trans.: “Always Chicken”)“United we stand, usually we retreat.”

The Irvanians speak a strange language called “Irvanian”. It soundsvery much like mumbled Serbo-Croat with a heavy lisp.

The Irvanian number system is comprised of four numerals, none ofwhich are one or zero. Fractions are, of course, banned by royal decree.



Ancient Irvanian Map of theWorld

The Irvanian alphabet is comprised of five letters, four of which areconsonents. Apparently there were originally quite a few more than fiveletters in the system, but everybody seems to have forgotten the rest.

The calendar is based on the principle that if it’s raining outside, itisn’t July. Each month is composed of two, three, four, or seven weeks,depending on legislative action. Thenumber of days in a week dependson when the Queen did her laundry.The number of months is determinedby how many months the cabinetthinks they can cram in a year andget away with it. Since fractions arebanned in Irvania, each year is adifferent length than the previousyear. This doesn’t seem to matter toanybody.

Geography in Irvania

The exact present location ofIrvania is unknown, although in1953 it was reported to be inside ofthe Soviet border near the Baltic



Sea, supposedly heading south bysouthwest. The undersized nationseems to follow a migratory pathacross the continent of Europe.

Irvania, the capital andprinciple city, consists of one dirthighway, several official buildings,and dwellings for the population.

The most important building iscalled “Irving’s Bar and ill”, a centerof culture and government. The topstory of Irving’s Bar and ill isoccupied by the now defunct postoffice, fire and police department offices, and a sundial repair shop. Theground floor consists of the bar itself, which is the geographic, political, and

economic center of the nation. It isalso where all important meetingsand assemblies are held.

Other famous buildings includethe royal palace and the Top SecretMilitary Headquarters Shack.

Impatience is the root of allpunctuality.

In the north-north corner ofthe country is a large dike of nearlyequivalent size to the Hoover Dam in

the United States. Since there are no bodies of water in or near Irvania, thedike is not operational, but servesas a tourist attraction.

The inhabitants get their dailywater supplies from the nationalwell. Every Thursday, the women allgrab wicker baskets and carry themto the Baltic Sea to be filled withsea water. When they return lateFriday evening, the women pour thewater into the well, which appearsto have run dry of its own accordseveral centuries ago.

History of Irvania

The earliest recorded history of Irvania was by a blind deaf arthriticdiabetic asthmatic manic depressive poet with a bad case of dandruffnamed Grover (the poet, not the dandruff). His book, The Idiocy, tells of



two heroes, Kato and Irving, who were attempting to sell life insuranceduring the Trojan War. The story concentrates on the two heroes’ walkacross the battlefield, after which they unsuccessfully try to sell lifeinsurance to a very strange looking horse. The two then spend many yearswandering aimlessly. Grover recounts the adventures of Kato and Irving asthey changed the newspapers in the Harpies’ cage, built a sunglass for acyclops, and retrieved a golden fleece from the dry cleaners without aticket. Finally, according to Grover, Kato and Irving landed on a strangeshore and called it Irvania because they couldn’t spell Katoia. Grover’s epicis probably entirely false, but it’s much more interesting than the true storyof Irvania’s origin, involving a comet, a caveman named Reginald, and atyrannosaurus rex named Roger.

During the Eighteenth Century, Irvania experienced a civil war inwhich both sides surrendered. Here is a scene from that terrible struggle:

[Fade to two old men sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of amountain shack, drinking lemonade.]

“You know, Clem, I think we should have states’ rights,” said the firstIrvanian, pulling his beard.

“’State’s rights’? What’s that, Nigel?” asked the other.“I don’t know. I just think we should have ‘em, that’s all. And I’m

willing to fight for it, too!”“Oh,” replied the second Irvanian. “Want some more lemonade?”“Yeah, okay.”“What’s a state, Nigel?”[Fade back to lame encyclopedia]

Irvanian Nationalist Day, the most important national holiday,commemorates the great victory of the Irvanian Army when the Sovietmilitary marched into Irvania in 1941. The Soviets became lost in asnowstorm and stumbled right through the tiny nation. Nationalist Day iscelebrated in September even though the battle was in August, because ittook the Irvanian Army over a month to find their way home again after thebattle.

Nationalist Day is celebrated by all the inhabitants, who wear thenational colors (chartreuse, pink, and zinc chromate green) with satinstriped socks, throwing dandelions, and riding up and down the road in thefamous Irvanian oxcart, pulled by two of the finest oxen in all of Europe. Inthe future, the Irvanians plan on saving enough money to buy a 1953 Edselfrom France to replace the oxcart.

Government in Irvania

Governmental affairs are generally taken care of by the King ofIrvania, Reginald the Only, who has reigned for as long as anyone can



remember, which seems to be about thirty thousand years. The Queentakes an active role in the leadership of the country and is rumoured to bethe real brains behind the real stupidity.

All affairs not under the jurisdiction of the royalty are guided by theIRS (Irvanian Rubbish System) which handles a variety of domesticadministrative issues.

Justice is administered by a man known as “The Hanging Judge” dueto his rather odd method of storing his judicial robes while presiding overhis court. The fire and police departments share the same office, since thereis very little in Irvania worth burning or stealing.

The Federal Power Department controls the single power station,which generates 9 volts at 20 watts. The Highway Patrol patrols Main Streetfor violators of the speed limit, which is any speed faster than the HighwayPatrol’s oxcart. The Department of Road Repairs has successfully avoidedfixing the many potholes simply by having them reclassified as part of anew storm drainage system.

Religion

The entire population of Irvania belongs to the Irvanian UnorthodoxChurch. The principle religious leader is Archbishop Switenleaux. Religiousservices are held in the national cathedral, “The Abbey of Our Lady ofUnconditional Retreat”.

[References to My Life as a Sophomore: 1953 - 1976 omitted in the name ofgood taste.]

The Irvanian Military

While other nations have rifle regiments and heavy artillerybattalions, the Royal Irvanian Army consists of the First and Second PistolPlatoons and the Heavy Slingshot Squad. as the population of Irvania islimited, the military structure is very tight. In fact, three of the members ofthe First Pistol Platoon are also in the Second Pistol Platoon.

The single standing order of the Irvanian Armed Forces is this:“Retreat at all costs.” The Royal Army is assisted in this task by severalweapons.

The Irvanian tank is a Second World War Panzer II left behind by theGerman Army during their attack on Russia. Through clever camouflage, theIrvanians have kept the true nature of the vehicle a secret (see Page 7).

Other weapons of the RIA are the Smith & Wetson short-range pistol(commonly referred to as a squirt-gun), a bazooka make from parts ofsalvaged submarines, and the muzzle-loading machinegun. The chiefmilitary computation machine is the VAKOOM (Versatile Although Kind OfOut-Moded) Tube Computer.



Bazookas have been issued to all units, however the commanders stillhave to teach the men how to play them.

Various weapons are currently under development, some with strangeresults. For example, the first time the new Venootie disintegrator ray gunwas tested, the barrel disappeared.

Because of Irvania’s present condition of being landlocked and withoutany bodies of water, the Royal Irvanian Navy is necessarily very small. Theonly ship in the fleet is a pocket submarine that submerges very quickly,but as yet has been unsuccessful in surfacing. There is a scuba diverattached to the Commandos preparing to go look for the lost sub.

The motto of the Navy is, “Through three world wars, we never oncelost a ship in combat!”

The Royal Flying Service consists of a squadron of SPAD’s (notnecessarily in airworthy condition) called the “Boo Boo Goldfish”, a blimp,and a Cessna 180 used for air support and civil transport.



The “Boo Boo Goldfish” have a squadron song, which goes somethinglike:

“We are poor little fish who have lost our planes, Boo, boo, boo!”

Those that are considered “aces” are the pilots who have shotthemselves down accidentally less than five times.

The SPAD’s have recently been fitted with new altimeters: ahorizontal line paintedon the windscreen.When trees appear overthe line, the pilot isadvised to gain altitude.

For anti-aircraftdefense, a large lightwas required, so theIrvanians purchased theworld’s largestflashcube. They are stilllooking for a camera bigenough to operate it.

The Cessna 180 isused for reconnaissanceand droppingparatroops.Unfortunately, thedefense budget has been so thin in the past that the Army has not beenable to buy parachutes for the paratroopers.

Over the years, however, the government has managed to save upenough money to order 70 crates of bubblegum, a tirepump, and aswingset, to build the Goodweek Blimp. Although relatively easy to repair(even for Irvanian mechanics) it has distinct disadvantages. For instance,whenever the wind blows, the observer sitting on the swingset/gondola isblown up against the underside of the blimp. The solution to this problemwas soon discovered in the Royal Flying Service kitchen: peanut butter.After several trials, however, it was noticed to be a difficult task for theobserver to wait to land in order to be extracted from the sticky balloon byground personnel, so a pre-flight covering of peanut butter is now applied toall blimp crewmen.

The blimp itself has two harbours in Irvania: a huge field of peanutbutter near the swamplands, and a secret 300-foot tall platform shaped likethe underside of a park bench.

[Continued on Page 13]





Key to diagram:1. Chicken Emblem2. RIMC flash3. Symbol of wearer’s ineptitude at handling aircraft4. Symbol of wearer’s ineptitude at handling armoured vehicles5. Flash denoting number of wearer’s retreats6. Squadron emblem7. Rank chevrons8. Suspenders for holding up trousers while running away9. Various pockets and pouches for holding instructions on how to surrender in 148different languages10. Large green blanket to hide under11. 18-inch “khukri” knife used for opening K-rations12. Holster for Irvanian Smith & Wetson pistol13. Mark VII potato gun (9mm)14. Pouch for white flag15. Rubber-soled boots for running away faster16. Extra-baggy uniform to conceal the fact that the Commando is actually a 97-poundweakling



Key to diagram:1. 18th Century French helmet2. Clever disguise to conceal the fact that the infantryman is also in another famousIrvanian military unit3. Epaulettes for swatting flies4. Royal Irvanian Infantry insignia5. Symbol of wearer’s ineptitude at handling muzzle-loading machinegun6. Symbol of wearer’s ineptitude at handling VAKOOM Tube Computer7. Mustard stain8. Strap to hold up emergency message sender kit: collapsible pencil, water-solublesugar paper, and inflatable pigeon9. Emblem of First Pistol Platoon10. Rank chevrons11. Class of ‘38 ring with Cap’n Power super decoder12. Grease gun - shoots grease up to 14 feet13. Packet of Mexican money and map of New Zealand in case he gets lost14. Apple green sweatshirt over turtleneck sweater with national motto15. Irvanian projectile launcher16. Holster for grease gun; held onto sweatshirt with safety pins17. Sword (actually, it’s a letter opener from the Irvanian Forest gift shop)18. Scabbard for sword19. Pocket for “How to Survive on the Irvanian Frontier” manual20. Bermuda trunks21. Satin striped socks in national colors22. Flat feet from 10 mile retreats every weekend23. Spikes on sneakers in case there’s an opportunity to play slargeball while on duty



1. VAKOOM (Versatile Although Kind Of Out-Moded) Tube - developed from potatochip can2. Flag borrowed from the King’s bicycle3. Mobile unit (optional) - training wheels from the King’s bicycle4. Input - has keys for each Irvanian letter and number symbol5. Output - can print out in 27 different languages. Unfortunately no one knows whatany of them are6. Flap covering output slot, borrowed from rear of the King’s pajamas7. Hunk ripped out from the computer casing by King to replace pajama flap - exposeshighly complex mathematical computation equipment8. Irvanian friode tube - used for frying odes9. Earphone jack for private computing10. Fuel gauge from royal oxcart11. Readout screen - camera lens borrowed from Irvanian Intelligence Agency12. AM-FM radio13. Rabbit-ear antenna for AM-FM radio14. Unconnected switches for operator to play with when bored15. Self-destruct button - ejects training wheels so enemy can’t wheel computer away

1. Polka dot umbrella dontated by Ladies’ Auxiliary for catching smoke for recyclinggunpowder (used for sunshade for slargegolf on off days)2. Number of backfires3. Number of targets successfully hit4. Pail of shot - serves as counterbalance (shot is used as slargegolfballs on off days)5. Trigger6. Crank7. Carriage stolen from high school science teacher’s favourite chair8. Rubber band round tighly around tripod leg for securing prisoners9. Sight, composed of cardboard bathroom tissue roll with crossed wires10. Rubber band to hold barrels together while firing11. Barrels made from old Christmas wrapping tubes12. Light bulb for night fighting13. Commando Canine to fetch expended bullets, pull gun when in tactical movementmode, and retrieve slargegolfballs14. Bullet-proof vest (kind of)15. Elastic band to serve as a trip cord, leash, and reins for dog to allow him to retrievebullets and golf balls without being caught by Irvanian dogcatcher16. Sight17. Barrels18. Rubber band19. Ramrod (not shown in this illustration for clarity), one per barrel - used asslargegolfclubs on off days20. Belt donated by Ladies’ Auxiliary21. Powder horn from rare Irvanian di-unicorn22. Wagonload of gunpowder - found to blow away frequently so it is usually watered down



[Continued from Page 8]The elite of Irvania are the Royal Marine Commandos, the most

famous being the 151st Squadron. The 151st is actually the only squadronin the Commandos, the number 151 chosen because the members thoughtit sounded cool. Armed with the best equipment available and given overtwo weeks of intense training, the men of the 151st are able to performsuch amazing feats as invading by air any foreign nation (within range ofthe Cessna 180) and retreating faster than any other unit in history.

The squadron is led by Reginald, moonlighting from his principleoccupation as the King of Irvania. His executive non-commissioned officer isSergeant-Major “Mother” Bailey, a former Roman centurion and all-aroundnice guy.

In 1930, the Irvanian Playhouse On the Air presented a radio playabout a fictitious Martian invasion of Irvania. Thinking the broadcast was agenuine news report, 20,000 Martians committed suicide.

Irvanian CultureThe poet laureate of Irvania is Eggar Allen Poo, who composed this

immortal poem:

The ChickenAs I wallowed in self-pity, While I pondered, feeling giddy,Flew in a fowl and perched himself upon my chamber doorHis feathers he had rustled, tho’ his turtleneck was mustledYet swiftly o’er I hustled to repeat the dirge beforeQuoth the Chicken, “Moreover!”

“Oh,” said I, “great Chicken,” For my mind’s eye had been stricken,“What fate do you perceive to be for me, I beg once morePray speak, I beseech theeFor if only I could reach theeI would but surely teach thee to perch my chamber door!”Quoth the Chicken, “Moreover!”

Not the birds of the StrophadesOr the Furies down in HadesNor the Erinyean Ladies could top this fowl for goreYet on my knees I pleaded for the answer that I neededBut my gains had been impeded by the bird’s words of before,Spake the Chicken, “Moreover!”

“By the Halls of Montezumie,Have a heart and be nice to me!”Said I to my feathered roomie in an effort to implore“Spare me pain and abandon your speech of melancholy bore,For before, and door, implore, and gore,Not one rhymes with ‘Moreover!’”



Sports in Irvania

The national sport of Irvania, as is well known, is slargeball. The mostcommon form is 42-man slargeball, which is similar to 68-man slargeballexcept there are less men on the field.

The slargeball team consists of 42 men, including the forwardquarterblek, eight cooklies, side reamlies, a santurgle, rushing grelkers,three sinsniboy, tremples, and a goalgiss.

The slargeball itself is a 8 and 3/14 inches long and 1 and 1/16 incheswide, made of dried teabags and albatross feathers glued over a row ofsmall flashlight batteries.

Each player carries a slargebat, which is four feet long, made oftoothpicks immersed in white glue and redwood stain.

The slargeball field, called a “field”, is 113 yards long. It is 62 yardswide on one end and 84 yards wide on the other end. The team with the



wider end is compensated by having its goal dug three feet into the ground.At halftime, both teams turn around and play backwards for the next third.

The game of slargeball commences when the Official Scorelosersignals the Official Timeloser. Both teams recite the “Irvanian Retreat Songand Linen Washing Chanty” while an official wearing a chicken constumehides the slargeball somewhere on the field. Then both teams line up ontheir 39-foot beamish lines and wait for the official whistle. On the count of42, the Timeloser jabs his ox with an 8-inch needle to commence play.Members of both teams hop around on one foot until the ball is found.

The finder of the ball is allowed one four-yard pass to one of histeam’s side reamlies, unless he is on the wrong side of the slargeline, inwhich case he gives custody of the ball to the opposing team and takes tenbaby steps backwards.

Play is continued when the forward quarterblek attempts to roll theslargeball towards the opposing goal with both ends of his slargebat.

Points are scored by placing the slargeball in the opponents’ goal,done by any number of methods.

A direct slarge, a shot past the defensive grelker and the goalgiss, is 4points. A slakney, a shot past the goalgiss but not past a santurgle, is 5points. A zank, which is a shot on the right side of two cooklies andbouncing off the heat of a tremple, is 2 points. A refracted zank, bouncingoff the heads of two cooklies and on the right side of a tremple, is 29points. A near laz is 1 point, a far tinge is 9 points, a fair-sized grelk is 6 or7 points depending, and a rear spinjoint is no score. Any team attempting along creamley forfeits the ball for the following quarter.

Ball reversal is completed by the forfeiting team turning their jerseysinside out.

A typical play strategy is the Standard Long Fern. The referee readsaloud an alphabetical list of names from a “What to Name Your Baby” book.When he mentions the first name of the oldest son of the quarterblek’sfather’s youngest sister, the designated arbitrary cooklie fakes theslargeball to the nearest sinsniboy, and hands it to a tremple who attemptsa refracted zank or a kloondogger, whichever seems appropriate at thetime. If the attempt is unsuccessful, possession of the ball is turned over tothe opposing santurgle, who usually trades it for an ice cream.



1. Snorkel with holes every few inches for operations at various depths2. Goggles borrowed from school chemistry lab3. Symbol of wearer’s ineptitude at handling underwater equipment4. Symbol of wearer’s failure to pass swimming lessons5. Instrument for disarming mines6. Special issue combination shark repellent and anti-perspirant7. Straightener for the bends8. Harpoon with explosive warhead9. Waterproof sundial10. Flashlight for reading sundial underwater11. Suspenders for holding up trousers while swimming12. Various pockets and pouches for instructions on how to surrender in 148 different signlanguages13. Waterproof holster for Smith & Wetson pistol14. Special uniform - wash ‘n’ wear15. Flippers - not enough rubber left over for webbing16. Spikes on flippers in case there’s an opportunity to play slargeball while on mission17. Weighted anklet to aid in descending



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The Encyclopedia Irvania, Second Edition 1977, David L. Ferris; … · 2016. 6. 3. · The people of Irvania, being very patriotic, have several mottoes, and no one has decided which