the fabulous baldmonkeyseenabird cut-out-and-keep … · even than the BTO’s lies about bearded tits. wingspan: beak evilness: eye beadiness: probability of existence: 75cm 27%

Peregrine Falcon

The peregrine falcon is the fastest animal in the world, travelling at a startling 60mph when stationary.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:

probability ofexistence:

105cm87%93%44%

Mute Swan

Mute swans are made of glass and can’t actually swim; it is just an optical illusion.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


220cm68%23%89%

Canada Goose

Canada geese all come from Spain and have an intense animosity for the American continents.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


165cm44%39%78%

Shelduck

Shelducks are the only duck in the world to have shells.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


120cm50%8%19%

the fabulous baldmonkeyseenabird cut-out-and-keep

BIRD TRUMPS

Mandarin Duck

Mandarin ducks eat nothing but the chinese hoisin berry from which the popular sauce is made.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


70cm68%22%7%

Teal

Teals are like seals. But spelt slightly different.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


61cm35%47%82%

Tufted Duck

Tufted ducks get their tufts specially tufted at a salon in Basingstoke.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


70cm36%64%68%

Pheasant

Bob Monkhouse once told a joke about a pheasant.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


80cm27%89%69%

Rules:If you don’t know the rules for top trumps already,

there is something wrong with you.

Little Grebe

The little grebe is the slightly smaller cousin of the absolutely-massive grebe.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


43cm28%43%41%

Great Crested Grebe

The great crested grebe ain’t all that great really.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


88cm57%50%19%

Cormorant

Cormorants exist on a diet of nothing but korma and ants.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


145cm75%60%58%

Little Egret

Little egretses are the dullest animals in the British Isles.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


97cm43%19%25%

Why not cut out all the cards, put them in an old fag packet and give it to a loved one as a cheap

Christmas present?

Grey Heron

You can f it 45 grey herons on the back seat of a Mini.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


185cm71%21%92%

Common Buzzard

Common buzzards are so common that they drink tea without sticking their littlef inger out.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


120cm80%54%65%

Kestrel

Kestrels are the only animal, other than humans, to use pencils and calculus.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


73cm91%88%96%

Coot

Coots have very ugly babies. More ugly even than the BTO’s lies about bearded tits.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


75cm27%73%72%

All the pictures used on these Bird Trumps are taken from the sitebaldmonkeyseenabird.wordpress.com

which explains why they are so very much better thananything anyone else has ever done.

Oystercatcher

Oystercatchers hate the bureaucracy of circuses.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


83cm61%38%51%

Avocet

The oldest man in the world, Haslet O’Hara once accidently squashed an avocet with his mechanical arm.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


72cm74%12%3%

Turnstone

A turnstone will never knowingly nest inside a church. This is because turnstones used evil Satanic evolution to do existing.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


47cm29%15%42%

Curlew

Monks use curlews to keep that bald bit in the middle of their scalp free from crumbs and other debris.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


90cm74%22%20%

For Travel Bird Trumps, try printing the cards at 50%.On VERY thin paper.

Black-Headed Gull

Black-headed gulls have no knees and, therefore, are unable to use ladders.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


105cm39%76%85%

Great Black-Backed Gull

Great black-backed gulls actually are great.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


160cm74%93%80%

Swift

Swifts are the only birds which are unable to f ly.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


46cm18%80%33%

Kingf isher

All kingf ishers are female and, technically, should be called queenf ishers.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


25cm48%84%13%

It is a science-fact that only the pure of heart can ever win in Top Trump style games.

And Bruce Forsyth.

Common Tern

I once saw a common tern f ly into a post-box and steal all the stamps.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


89cm48%50%55%

Feral Pigeon

Guns ‘n’ Roses singer Axelle Rosé keeps feral pigeons as a hobby. This is a mistake as a hobby is a completely different bird.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


67cm32%89%99%

Great Spotted Woodpecker

You can catch yourself a pet great spotted woodpecker by carrying a plank of wood coated in strong adhesive.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


37cm53%56%23%

Swallow

Swallows are afraid of sunlight.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


34cm13%83%25%

Bird Trumps is a Christmas gift to the plebs frombaldmonkeyseenabird.wordpress.com

Yellow Wagtail

Yellow wagtails are so called because they all evaded conscription in the Second World War.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


25cm23%36%9%

Robin

Robins only have red breasts because they are allergic to feathers, which bring them out in a rash.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


21cm13%47%97%

Wheatear

Wheatears always cheat at boardgames on the last day of term.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


29cm21%30%29%

Whitethroat

During the last general strike, whitethroats all painted their throats green.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


21cm16%73%19%

Bird Trumps is a great game for birdwatchersto play with their friends.

Except that birdwatchers don’t have friends.Not ones they like, anyway.

Sedge Warbler

Sedge warblers love to eat small mammals called sedges. Which is why sedges are endangered and you have never seen one.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


19cm21%26%15%

Bearded Tit

Bearded tits do not exist and were only invented so really really dull people could make really really obvious “puns”.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


17cm2%3%0%

Long-Tailed Tit

The tail feather of a long-tailed tit is larger than three popes laid end-to-end.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


18cm4%4%60%

Jay

Jays are nothing more than camp magpies.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


55cm28%70%6%

There are no owls in Bird Trumps.This is because, technically owls are not birds.

They are legumes.

Rook

If you try to use a real rook to play chess you get banned from the chess olympics.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


90cm79%23%74%

Magpie

One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a job in an off ice, four for a different job in an off ice, f ive for an emergency. Fact.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


55cm72%19%63%

House Sparrow

Houses were accidently invented by the industrious house sparrow.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


21cm5%6%96%

Greenf inch

Greenf inches sometimes look grumpy. This is because they have gout. On account of they eat nothing but steak and brandy f lavour Trill.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


26cm11%85%77%

the fabulous baldmonkeyseenabird cut-out-and-keep

BIRD TRUMPS

Goldf inch

If you crush a goldf inch, you will discover its blood is pure gold.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


23cm9%25%60%

Corn Bunting

No corn bunting has ever made it past level f ive on Tetris.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


29cm26%33%51%

Osprey

An osprey has seven legs, just in case.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


155cm83%66%37%

Redshank

The redshank gets its name from being a communist. And living exclusively in Shanklin on the Isle of Wight.

wingspan:

beak evilness:

eye beadiness:


49cm65%16%47%

HANDY HINT:When cutting out the Bird Trump cards, try not to stab a horse with

your scissors.Or a relative.

Documents

the fabulous baldmonkeyseenabird cut-out-and-keep … · even than the BTO’s lies about bearded tits. wingspan: beak evilness: eye beadiness: probability of existence: 75cm 27%