sex & love

84 womenshealthmag.com.au December 2010

Relationships are a series of deals. A negotiation over groceries here. A

compromise over his idiot friend there. But unless you

solve every bump with “rock, paper, scissors”, there’ll be occasions when one of you won’t budge. Nights when

“this is not fair!” gets thrown across the dinner table. The

good news: honing your give-and-take skills can make you

both happier individually and help seal your bond.

hilary Duffy, 27, and tim macdonald, 27, are both melbourne-based lawyers.

Together for five years, not married.

How they met they hooked up at uni when tim took pity on hilary’s eleventh-hour studying for a law exam and gave her his notes.

Their deal tim is about to invest all his money into opening a mexican restaurant in melbourne next year, with hilary becoming the breadwinner. “It’s tested us as a couple, even though I know tim would support me financially if I decided to change career,” hilary says. During the next 12 months, they’ll have to forgo holidays, nights out at the theatre and weekends away.

How they negotiate while tim’s business is being established their time together is sporadic, so the couple set sundays aside for “date day”. they also sat down and talked over their concerns at losing out on couple time. “we realised that in order to spend more time together, hilary would need to get involved in my restaurant project and in turn, I now go running every other morning with hilary,” tim says. “or we visit her family in the country some weekends.” hilary now spends evenings at taste-testing meetings or helping with marketing and focus groups to immerse herself in tim’s current passion. money, and time together, are tight at the moment, but looking to the future helps. “I’m happy to give to tim,” hilary says. “It’ll be my turn soon enough and it gives me faith in our relationship that we’re in this for the long-haul.” tim agrees: “hilary’s faith in me means everything to my success – I’m working hard for us and our life together. I really want to travel to london to work too, and have made a promise to hilary that we’ll go within the next few years.”

Focusing first on his ambitions so they can enjoy her dreams of travelling in a few years

the compromise

tim hilarycompromisethe forgotten art of

“The key to a satisfying relationship is knowing how to negotiate with each other,” says WH relationships expert Dr Traci Coventry. “It’s through healthy compromise that you diffuse fights and set boundaries and expectations for your relationship.” A recent Gallup International survey found that 40 per cent of people believe compromise is the most important factor in marriage success. Yet research also shows that we’re not always comfortable making deals, with one study from Carnegie Mellon University, US, showing that women initiate negotiations three to four times less often than men. But don’t give up just yet – it turns out there’s an art to compromising.

mIDDle meetIngsLike a football game, compromise is two-sided: you agree to strike a deal over your different ideas and, while that means an end to the Groundhog Day fights, it also usually means you lose out or give up something you came to the table with.

That’s all good if you’ve made a healthy sort of compromise in your relationship, like alternating whose family you spend Christmas with, but resentment can creep in if the fairness scales tip too far in one direction. “Over-compromising is when you feel you’ve been taken advantage of or wronged,”

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By Tara Ali

December 2010 women’s health 85

done what in your relationship, it’s a sign you need to learn some new negotiation skills.”

When you both lead busy lives and have to make complicated decisions about money, housework and how to balance spending time with each other, your friends and the cast of Glee, it pays to know when to stand your ground and when to just suck things up. Check

out these happy medium strategies to keep your love thriving.

FIguRe out the Real Issue “A couple may think they’re at loggerheads over whether to go out to dinner every Sunday night, but the bottom-line issue has to do with something much deeper than a restaurant meal,” says Dr John

Dr Coventry says. “Then it’s not really a compromise, but a sacrifice.” A bad compromise is when you give up something core to your personality or are asked to change habits that are fundamental to your soul – your friends; your Thursday night yoga class that balances you for the week; agreeing not to have children when, deep down, you dream of a Brady Bunch-esque brood. You don’t need us to tell you that this is more a ticket to Fightsville than a key to your happiness.

polItIcs oF askIngIn their book Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide (amazon.com) authors Dr Linda Babcock and Sarah Laschever explore the issue of women and asking. They found that women can often feel “a great deal of apprehension” about negotiating for what we want. Why? We worry about the impact that bargaining will have on our relationships. Plus some of us are taught from an early age that asking is unattractive and unwelcome, as well as ineffective.

According to Dr Babcock and Laschever, men use negotiation to get ahead and get what they want between two and nine times as often as women do; and married women who work full time still do two-thirds of the housework and childcare. Coincidence? We don’t think so. “This seems to be because many women don’t see household duties as negotiable, or they don’t see intimate relations as an appropriate sphere for negotiating,” the authors say. “Or because they fear that asking for more help will jeopardise their relationships.” The result of staying shtum? Jacked-up stress levels – which no one wants.

Relationships expert and clinical psychologist Dr Alice Boyes agrees that women avoid asking for what we want, in some situations. “You might be great at negotiating in some areas of your life – like childcare – out of necessity, but not at others,” she says. “We also develop ‘rules’ and sometimes apply them too broadly. You might believe it’s best to keep the peace, but if you’re keeping score of who’s

She wanted a large family; he only wanted two kids

the compromise

jaynejames

December 2010 women’s health 87

Jayne, 39, a website content manager, and James Davis, 40, an It marketing manager, live in woy woy on nsw’s central coast with their two kids, maximus, 6, and Ruby, 3.

Together for 15 years, married for eight.

How they met through friends, 15 years ago.

Their deal Jayne and James always knew they wanted a family, but didn’t agree on how many children they’d have before they married. “I knew Jayne wanted at least three children, but I didn’t have a fixed number,” says James.

after the birth of their second child, they agreed to wait before adding to their brood. But in that time James raised his inhibitions. “I was worried about the financial strain on us – we’d need a new car, have to start sharing rooms. and I also worried about Jayne’s health,”

he says. Jayne says that despite having high blood pressure and the possible effects pregnancy could have on her health, she still wanted another child. “I don’t take it as seriously as I should – I’d have put a baby first.”

How they negotiated the couple admit that family size was a tough issue to compromise on, as one person would have to lose out. “we had many long and emotional talks about our future over a period of about 18 months,” Jayne says. “we had to keep revisiting the topic. It took a lot of calm, thoughtful discussion.” eventually Jayne says she saw things from his point of view. “James carries the weight of the financial costs of a family on his shoulders and we already have two amazing kids. I saw that I was already incredibly lucky.” Jayne went back to work part-time, and says it has been an unexpected pay-off. “I found a new ‘baby’! I love my work and it’s given our relationship a new dynamic.”

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88 womenshealthmag.com.au December 2010

Gottman, co-author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ($24.99, Orion Publishing). Dr Gottman says gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being respected or addressed by your partner. He suggests you both pick an area you’re butting heads over – say your need to have more regular weekend city breaks to de-stress versus your partner’s need to save for a house deposit. Initiate a discussion where your partner explains what owning a house symbolises to him and you get to figure out what regular couple breaks symbolise for you. This then takes the conversation away from blame and on to a discussion of future goals for your relationship. “Your purpose is not to solve the conflict [in one conversation], but to ‘declaw’ the issue so the problem stops being a source of great pain,” Dr Gottman says.

Be a BetteR halFYou want to stay out all night. Or apply for a job in New York. But when you’re in a partnership your decisions, from teeny tiny to life-changing, will also affect another person’s routine, life goals and bank balance. To see a relationship past the honeymoon phase you’ll have to give up some of the freedom you once had. Realising you can’t have things your way all the time is the number one compromise in a committed relationship. “My advice for couples is to clearly define each person’s expectations for issues as soon as they arise,” says Dr Coventry. “The most common areas I see couples needing to find acceptable middle ground are sex and housework. There always is one, you just need to know how to compromise effectively.” Her four key aspects to bring to a discussion are: mutual respect for each other’s

Jaime, 28, a stay-at-home mum, and mark Board, 33, a cabinetmaker, live in collaroy, nsw, with their son ashton, 15 months.

Together for nine years, married for six.

How they met mark was travelling in the us when he met Jaime at a dress-up party in Durango, colorado.

Their deal “For the first six months we hung out but I wasn’t sure if we had a future together,” Jaime says. when mark had to return to australia, Jaime visited him for a holiday. “we realised we had to be together – we just needed to work out how,” Jaime says. she returned to the us, but on being accepted to study at newcastle university in nsw, she moved to australia. to help her settle at uni, mark agreed to commute from newcastle to his sydney-based job. “It was a compromise we were happy to make, though a little unbalanced in terms of distance!” says mark.

How they negotiated when the couple got engaged they moved back to colorado in the us to get married. having discussed where to live, the couple knew they’d have to move back to australia as it would be virtually impossible for mark to work in Jaime’s hometown. “we agreed we’d live in australia for five years, then in colorado for five,” she says. “I loved my time in australia, so I was happy to be the first to move and mark was concentrating on his business.”

their wedding was a bittersweet affair, with the enormity of leaving her friends and family hitting Jaime after the ceremony. the move to australia was tough. “Jaime often felt lonely; she’d given up her career, friends and family to be with me,” says mark. For the next few years the focus was on mark’s career. “at the time I was happy for it to be about him,” Jaime says. when she got homesick, Jaime flew home for a visit and they never went longer than six months without a family visitor.

as they were coming to the end of their five-year plan and beginning to discuss their move to the states, Jaime discovered she was pregnant. then the gFc hit, making a move to the states an unattractive proposition, so they agreed they’d wait for a year or two after their baby boy, ashton, was born. “even though we’re blessed to have mark’s parents, I still miss my mum,” Jaime says. “she misses out on the everyday things that ashton does.”

so when will those compromise scales tip in Jaime’s favour? that plan is still on hold, as Jaime is now expecting their second child. But she’s determined her compromises will be balanced out. “I’m so proud of what we’ve achieved together,” she says. “But I’m holding onto our goal to move back when the time is right. I don’t mind when, it just helps me to know it’ll be someday.” mark agrees, and says that now they have a family their location choices come down to financial reasons. “we talk about opening a gourmet pie shop in Durango,” he says. “although that dream is a long way off, I’m happy to move back when the time is right.”

The couple have spent their relationship dividing time between their respective home countries, the United States and Australia

the compromise

jaime mark

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WHL14590_Schwarz_TPV_1210_s.indd 1 12/10/10 3:43 PM

sex & love

opinion, complete honesty in how you think and feel, as well as effective communication skills (such as active listening and using words like “I feel” instead of “I hate it when you…”) and remembering the goal is not for one person to emerge as the winner.

pIck youR tImIng You can’t reach the best decisions when either of you are tired or cranky (or if his footy team just lost). “The term ‘emotionally flooded’ refers to when someone’s level of emotional arousal is so high they can’t process information or communicate effectively,” says Dr Boyes. “Flooding can occur quickly, sometimes even instantly. If this happens you need to stop the discussion and revisit it later.” Cracking open a bottle of wine is probably a good idea.

make lIke DavID BlaIneHaving a repertoire of “compromise tricks” up your sleeve makes it that much easier to reach a decision on that particular shade of green for your kitchen decor. “The key to a positive relationship is finding a negotiation style that works

effectively for both you and your partner, and it’s likely to reflect a blend of negotiation styles,” Dr Coventry says. Some tricks to try when chucking a tanty really isn’t working include: Taking turns It may have echoes of your mum shouting at you and your siblings to “play nicely”, but sometimes the things you fight over are petty, oui? Best for when you have different tastes in movies and restaurants or if your idea of a good holiday is hiking a mountain and he prefers trawling museums. Scale of one to tenThis is really about choosing your battles. Let’s just say you really, really want to drive across America on your honeymoon more than anything else in the world and you’d give it a 10 on the scale (one being minimally important, 10 being extremely important). Your man’s really not that fussed where you end up going for your honeymoon just as long as there’s some surf, but going to the US only rates a five on the scale for him. In this case you win and he’d better start packing his stars and stripes boardies. Best for figuring out how much you can bend to make the other person happy.

1/ Tell him to quit solving already“Some studies show that men’s brains respond to stress by activating a part of the limbic system [also known as the “mammalian brain” – found in the innermost part of the brain and responsible for controlling various functions in the body] that prompts action,” Canadian-based developmental psychologist Susan Pinker says. So what does that mean for you? “If you want a man to listen to you sympathetically instead of solving the problem for you, you’ll have to tell him so,” she explains.

2/ Talk about it tomorrowNeuroscientist Dr Sandra Witelson and her researchers at McMaster University in Canada found women have more neurons in parts of the cortex of the temporal lobe – which is associated with processing and understanding language – than men do. “That plays a role in why women, on average, perform better than men on verbal tasks,” neuroscientist Dr Larry Cahill explains. Bottom line: sometimes not talking about his emotions is the only way he can deal with them. Letting a day go by before coming back to the issue might get him to open up.

3/ Give him a chance to respond“Women put emotion into words faster,” says researcher Dr Louann Brizendine. Women relay messages from the amygdala, where emotions are triggered, to the brain’s left hemisphere, where those emotions are verbalised more quickly. It can be a difference of just milliseconds but that often means the difference between having a normal conversation and thinking accusatory thoughts like “you’re not listening to me”. So be patient and give him a chance to form a response to what you’re saying. wh

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