Vol. 1 • Issue 7 • October 2014N E W S L E T T E R

First Step RecoveryOctober 2014 Page 1

A Program of The Village Family Service Center

THE IMPACT OF ADDICTION ON

THE FAMILYBy Mary Jo Clairmont-Hansen,

M.Ed., LPC/LAC

When a family member is in serious trouble, many families will go to any length to help the one they love. It’s like their battle cry, whether spoken or unspoken, is, “All for one, and one for all.” Unfortunately, with the diseases of alcoholism and drug addiction (substance use disorders), this desire to be helpful can become unhealthy for both the helper and the addict.

Family members are confused by the change occurring in the one they love. They don’t understand the increasing consequences, and are baffled by how distant, angry, manipulative, self-absorbed, or careless their loved one has become. So they try to solve the problem, fix the stressors, manage the consequences, and blame or excuse the using. Their actions are often based on unconscious motivations; “If I keep hovering and worrying, I get to keep my illusion of control,” writes Patricia Choate at Hazelden, referring to her experience in working with families. The natural instinct to swoop in and fix things becomes chronic and incessant, and eventually robs the family member of peace of mind.

Common behaviors occur in family and friends of a loved one caught in the cycle of addiction:

Denial: Thinking, “She’s not that bad,” “He still works,” “It’s just a stage.”

Enabling: Bailing out of jail, paying fines, abusing substances with them.

Covering up: Keeping the increased use, consequences, and behaviors secret from everyone.

Controlling: Pouring out the booze, limiting access to money, declining social invitations.

Compensating: Taking over for the addicted individual’s responsibilities.

A common saying many treatment facilities share with family members is the “3 C’s”: “You didn’t Cause it, You can’t Control it, and You can’t Cure it.” This saying is an invitation to family and friends to begin the process of letting go, and learn healthy ways of being in a relationship with an addicted person.

FIRST STEP RECOVERY’S FAMILY PROGRAM

At First Step Recovery, we provide an educational/process group every Monday night for individuals with a loved one in our treatment program. Adult family members and significant others are encouraged to attend as often as they are able during the months their loved one is in treatment.

Common topics covered in the family program are:

1) Education on substance use disorders and the disease concept

2) Identification of enabling and codependent behaviors

3) Development of detachment skills4) Importance of a personal recovery

plan

Family members are also encouraged to attend the Thursday night (6 p.m.) lecture series with their loved one who is in treatment. Topics include spirituality, anger management, self-care, medical aspects of addiction, codependency, guilt/shame, making amends, sleep hygiene, nutrition and recovery, smoking cessation, and personal sharing by Alumni about their experience.

—Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

Alcoholism isn’t a spectator sport.

Eventually, the whole family gets to play.

A Program of The Village Family Service Center

Family Group: Monday 6-8 p.m.Lecture Series: Thursday 6-7:30 p.m.

October 2014 Page 2First Step Recovery

RECOVERY GOALS FOR FAMILY MEMBERSIt often feels uncomfortable for family or friends of

someone struggling with a substance use disorder to begin to focus on themselves. Toni Tufo of the Betty Ford Center encourages families who’ve been hyper-focused on the alcoholic/addict to “put away the telescope and get out the mirror.” Recovery for family members begins when they are willing to assess their own attitudes and behavior that have become unhelpful and possibly even unhealthy.

Al-Anon Family Groups is one way for family members to begin their own recovery.

Hazelden’s “Free to Care” brochure says, “For the past fifty years or so, the Al-Anon Family Groups have encouraged loved ones and concerned others of addicts—wives and husbands, parents and children, friends and relatives—to meet together to talk, not talk about the addict, but to talk about themselves. Al-Anon encourages people to discover for themselves just how they unwittingly perpetuate their alcohol and drug-related family problems. And it encourages them to think about how they can change the game by changing themselves.”

The following are recommended goals for families to develop in their own personal recovery plan:

• Learn about substance use disorders and the disease concept

• Learn to identify and discontinue enabling behaviors• Establish healthy boundaries• Commit to productive forms of conflict resolution• Practice healthy detachment• Discontinue playing the blame game or keeping secrets• Reach out for support from: Al-Anon, Codependents

Anonymous, your friends, family, church, and/or personal counseling

• Remember… One Day at a Time“We sometimes make the mistake of believing we have

completed the work, but if we are good students, we hear there is no graduation or recess,” says Tufo.

AUTOBIOGRAPY IN FIVE CHAPTERSBy Portia Nelson

II walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.

I am lost… I am helplessIt isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

III walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.I can’t believe I am in the same place,

but it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.

IIII walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it there.

I still fall in… it’s a habit.My eyes are open. I know where I am.

It is my fault.I get out immediately.

IVI walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.

VI walk down another street.

October 2014 Page 3First Step Recovery

BOOk REVIEwThirty Rooms to Hide in: Insanity,

Addiction, and Rock ‘n’ Roll in the Shadow of the Mayo Clinic

Author Luke Longstreet Sullivan has a simple way of describing his new memoir: “It’s like The Shining . . . only funnier.” And as this astonishing account reveals, the comment is accurate. Thirty Rooms to Hide In tells the story of Sullivan’s father and his descent from being one of the world’s top orthopedic surgeons at the Mayo Clinic to a man who is increasingly abusive, alcoholic, and insane, ultimately dying alone on the floor of a Georgia motel. For his wife and six sons, the years prior to his death were years of turmoil, anger, and family dysfunction; but somehow, they were also a time of real happiness for Sullivan and his five brothers, full of dark humor and much laughter.

Through the 1950s and 1960s, the six brothers had a wildly fun and thoroughly

dysfunctional childhood living in a forbidding thirty-room mansion, known as the Millstone, on the outskirts of Rochester, Minnesota. The many rooms of the immense home, as well as their mother’s loving protection, allowed the Sullivan brothers to grow up as normal, mischievous boys. Against a backdrop of the times—the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, fallout shelters, JFK’s assassination, and the Beatles—the cracks in their home life and their father’s psyche continue to widen. When their mother decides to leave the Millstone and move the family across town, the Sullivan boys are able to find solace in each other and in rock ‘n’ roll.

As Thirty Rooms to Hide In follows the story of the Sullivan family—at times grim, at others poignant—there is a wonderful, dark humor that lifts the narrative. Tragic, funny, and powerfully evocative of the 1950s and 1960s, Thirty

Rooms to Hide In is a tale of public success and private dysfunction, personal and familial resilience, and the strange power of humor to give refuge when it is needed most, even if it can’t always provide the answers.

Amazon.com review

Books recommended for family members available at First Step Recovery:• Why Don’t They Just Quit?• Everything Changes: Help for

Families of Newly Recovering Addicts

• The Language of Letting Go• Codependent No More• Reclaim Your Family from

Addiction• The Lois Wilson Story: When

Love is Not Enough. (Co-founder of Al-Anon)

• The Brown Bottle

Videos/DVDs recommended and available to check out at Lost and Found Ministry, 111 7th St. S., Moorhead, MN, 218-287-2089:• The Betty Ford Story• Unguarded• Loving Someone with an

Addiction• Why Don’t They Just Quit?• Caring For Ourselves

Educational materials also found at Hazelden.org

October 2014 Page 4First Step Recovery

‘‘Quote of the Month’’Contest

Quote guidelines: Clients, Alumni, Family, Friends, Referents are all invited to submit an inspiring quote for our newsletter each month. Quotes can be by someone famous or not so well-known. They can be original in nature as well (something Grandma always used to say…). Include why you chose

the particular quote you are submitting. First Step Recovery Staff have designed an impartial and blind voting regime to ensure the process is fair and unbiased. So start submitting!!

will continue in its normal fashion next month. Please continue to submit your quotes by filling out a green

sheet on site at First Step Recovery or emailing Patti S. at patti@firststep-recovery.com.

A gift certificate, book, or prize will be awarded to the winning quote!

SUBMITTED qUOTESKris N.“It takes tremendous strength and resolve to allow your kids to suffer the consequences of their decisions.” —UnknownSherri C.“I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.” —Maya AngelouFaye B.“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.” —Winston Churchill

Diana S.“I am thankful for my struggles because without it, I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.” —UnknownNaomi M.“This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” —William ShakespeareThank you, family members, for contributing your quotes to this month’s newsletter!

RESOURCES FOR FAMILIESNorth Dakota Al-Anon: www.ndalanon.com

Al-Anon: Call 888-4AL-ANON or visit www.al-anon.org (Updated local Al-Anon group list available at First Step Recovery)

Families Anonymous: Call 800-736-9805 or visit www.familiesanonymous.org

A Program of The Village Family Service Center