The Imperial Governor Addresses the Nation by Stephen Cook

7/31/2019 The Imperial Governor Addresses the Nation by Stephen Cook

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Imperial Governors Address by Stephen Cook

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The Imperial Governor's Historic Address

to the Nation

That Speech in Full

by

Stephen Cook
http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.com/http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.com/


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Students of history will observe that over the millennia not a great dealchanges in the world of politics. The similarities between the modern eraand the politics of Ancient Rome are quite startling.

Indeed, even less has changed than you might think!

This article was originally written shortly after the coming to power inBritain of the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition. It was laterpublished in five parts in The Sussex Newspaper.

I have tweaked it a bit and re-assembled it here into one article.

Ave Britons!

As you know, I have been chosen by His Majesty the Emperor forelevation to the high office of Imperial Governor or, as we refer to it inour great province of Britannia, Prime Minister.

My appointment has been duly ratified by the ritual of the Dupem Electusand I and my cohorts of the Coalitium Desperandum have accordinglytaken over the reins of power of this troubled province.

This my inaugural address to the multifarious tribes clinging precariouslyto life in these adeptly impoverished islands, the traditional PlatitudinusBollux, so let me first pay tribute to my out-going predecessor,Gordonicus Laborius, popularly known as Gordonicus the Terrible, who

so recently fell - or was pushed - onto his sword.

Gordonicus brought to the task of provincial management the wonderfulgift of dourness so in keeping with the mood of the times and oversawfor many years a smooth transfer of the province's wealth into theImperial coffers.

The transfer was presented in such a masterly way that Britons thelength and breadth of the land were convinced the whole time that

someone was managing affairs on their behalf and submitted to the

CAMERONIUS CONSERVITUS ADDRESSES THE NATION


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pillage of their islands with such acquiescence not a drop of their bloodwas shed - except abroad, which doesn't count.

Gordonicus, I am told, will be working in retirement upon the traditional

Scratchus Backus, in which the merchant elite and money lenders awardmost lavishly the outgoing Governor for services rendered during whatwas, from their perspective, a most successful tenure.

He will also be publishing his memoirs, provisionally entitled, "It Was AllSomebody Else's Fault." A preview of the manuscript suggests thatGordonicus has some scathing things to say about his predecessor,Anthonius Lytoous, whom he blames for just about everything in the

time-honoured way.

It seems appropriate at this juncture to address you, the plebian masses,directly now that I am a few weeks into my tenure and things aretrundling along as smoothly as a loose chariot on a sharp incline andbefore the high hopes that attended my assumption of the governorshiphave completed their traditional evaporation.

The first thing I should point out and let me be very clear about this isthat when I used the term reins of power, I was of course speaking

symbolically.

I have discovered that my high office does not actually wield powerassuch, except the power to follow the dictates and edicts of his majestyCaesar Nefarius Vexus and the Illuminati of his imperial council, theHiddum Agendum.

Truth be told, I did not know until I succeeded to office that there wasanemperor or a Hiddum Agendum. Honest, I didn't!

I look back with some nostalgia upon the halcyon days I spent in theOppositium. My responsibilities were joyously confined to heaping scornupon the hapless Gordonicus, looking smug on the steps of the Senateand dreaming up policies that sounded different to the ones that alreadyhad the slave-galley of state holed below the water line and sinking fast.Ah! Ignorance has in truth a lot going for it and can at times be trulyblissful as many of you are no doubt aware - although Im not sure how Imanaged to miss the blindingly obvious.

Almost everybody else in the country except yours truly had already


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sussed out that we now enjoy a Constitutional Democracy: trappingsand quaint rituals kept alive for the tourists, the sole surviving function ofwhich is to ratify and enact the edicts of the Emperor as conveyed to meharshy (but fairly) through the Scrolls and Tabloids of the Barons of

Journalisium .

This knowledge had somehow been let loose upon the land anddelivered into the hands a small and troublesome minority of no morethan sixty-four million people who had no right to it - and many of whomdid not want it - thanks to the irresponsible agitations of the renegadefaction, Conspiricus Theorus.

All this has plunged the slaves, artisans, plebs, small merchants and

other neer-do-wells of the land into sullen resentment and has theactivists among them hurling abuse at the Televisium or resorting to

public blogging.

But why on earth did no-one think to mention it to me? Imagine mydisappointment upon striding victoriously through the doors of thegovernor's mansion, Numerus Decem, thinking I was going to be incharge of something, to be told that my job was to follow orders! I canimagine that the ousted Gordonicus is having a quiet chuckle at myexpense now that I am well and truly lumbered.

But such is life. I couldnt be expected to know everything and there wasscant time in my busy schedule to acquire an understanding ofeconomics, the real world in which we live or indeed the people in it.Besides we have hundreds of years of history to attest to the fact thatthese are not necessary skills for the leaders of nations.

Be all that as it may, now that the Emperor has made Himself known tome and the realities of life have been impressed upon me in no

uncertain terms, I have had to make some minor adjustments to theplans I and my co-Governor, Nickus Cleggus, made when we thoughtwe would be in actual control of a sovereign nation.

The main, very tiny, adjustment in our thinking has been to switch frommaking decisions and trying to run things to not making any decisions oractually doing anything unless instructed by the Emperor or his primaryagencies such as the World Debt Emporium or the Complex MilitariaIndustria.

Fortunately, many of our policies, known as the Adjustmens Cosmetix,were pretty much more of the same policies already used by Gordonicus


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and his predecessors: political and economic measures that had provenso successful in the bloodless subjugation of Britannia, her giving up thewill to live and her consequent incorporation into the Empire.

As such, these policies already bore the imperial stamp of approval andHis Majesty quite likes people to come up with creative ideas as to howto dress up the verbiage surrounding, or indeed concealing, them.

It is quite an art to make the same fundamental policies ook and sounddifferent yet again but apparently I managed it. This was why I waschosen to get elected: the Emperor wants regional administrators whoare able to soak up the wrath of the natives on his behalf and at leastlook as if they are to blame. Apparently I have that look about me.

So very little had to change then, beyond our dropping any big ideas wemay have had about our station in the great scheme of things and oncewe did that, we managed to slot haplessly but neverthelessdisappointedly into the smooth-turning cogs and grinding stones of theImperial mill.

Our huge, sweeping vision that so fired the public imagination and set amajestic new horizon before the nation, to balance the books by cuttingall non-essential services such as hospitals, schools and the police and

driving the citizenry of this great nation into penury, had to go well, atleast the balancing the books bit, which we have been informed isactually impossible.

The rest of our Great Vision remains inviolate. We shall therefore pressahead obliviously with sweeping reforms that, like all the best reforms,will avoid bringing actual change into the equation, except of coursewhere we are able to make things worse.

We are confident therefore that we can reverse the failures ofGordonicus whose tenure saw the province plunge to fifteenth mostpowerful in the Empire. We fully intend to see Britannia sweep tosixteenth or seventeenth position, although ultimately the fortunes of anyprovince depend pretty much on whom the Emperor happens to like atthe time if anybody.

Be all that as it may, it falls to me now to address you as your Governorand to brief you on all the great strides forward that have been made by

the Empire to which you find yourselves subjugated and my immediateplans for this Province.


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There is much positive news to convey to you, news which, while it maynot give you cause for celebration, will at least convince you to keepyour heads down and refrain from rocking the boat.

The Guild of Usurers and their global network of Debt Emporia havecontinued to prosper beyond all the dreams of avarice, while the agentsof Onerus Incumtax, the Imperial Proconsul for Threats and Extortions,have come up with increasingly ingenious ways to crowbar from theplebian purse money the aforementioned plebs would otherwise havefrittered away on food and clothing.

The apothecaries of the Pharmacopeia, from whose ubiquitousdispensaries flood forth magic pills and potions, known in the popularparlance as Serius Sideffex, have flung open their doors to the nationschildren and thus prosper beyond all imagining. Or at least they would,did not those very pills and potions remove from their beneficiaries theonerous capacity for imagination.

It is a similar success story for the manufacturers of fortifications,tridents, claymores, slave collars and gravestones, all of who reportsoaring profits.

Which brings us to our peacekeeping operations: Britannias auxiliaries

continue to brave friendly fire in their selfless and indeed often pointlesssacrifice in support of the legions of the Complex Militaria Industria,which campaigns tirelessly against the barbarian hordes who under theirleader Holdus Toransum threaten at any moment to sweep down uponthe Empire and force upon us the ignominy of not invading anybody.

That support, I might add, puts to shame that forthcoming from otherprovinces such as Gaul and Germania, which seem quite unable toenter into the spirit of the thing.

Detractors may argue that our peacekeeping efforts have resulted inprolonged and incessant warfare but that surely is a small price to payfor true peace, by which we mean of course giving the populacesomething to think about other than stringing up their lords and masters,who can then go about their business of amassing wealth, feasts, orgiesand bacchanalia in peace.

Besides, the peaceful sandal maker of today could easily become the

blood crazed terrorist of tomorrow unless we take firm steps to prevent it preferably before the idea has even entered his head.


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Psychobabbylon, has established an Empire every bit as worthy asCaligulas Rome, except with drugs.

Plans are afoot to consolidate these gains and to carry them to fruition.

In so doing, I will be relying heavily, as I have been instructed, uponsome of the nations most influential agencies.

Among these are the aforementioned Pharmacopeia and its network ofapothecaries and dispensaries (Britannia branch) under the aegis ofgeneral manager Oblivius Senslus, the renowned inventor of childdoping. Mr. Senslus announced recently plans to triple the profits ofthe Temple of Pharmacopeia and extend its membership to includeeverybody in the province from birth. As you know the Pharmacopeias

role in furthering the imperial idyll of a land basking in the golden silenceand inactivity of the graveyard has been heroic.

The Pharmacopeias sister organization, the Hoaxacopeia, a branch of

the Temple Psychobabbylon of the goddess Dementia, is also makingsimilar, coordinated strides forward. Her high priest, Devius Lunatix,recently announced publication of a mighty tome which is designed toassist the Pharmacopeia in carrying forward its mission of Euphorium et

Oblivium, while raking in the sesterce.

The Tome is entitled the DSM, the Diagnostix et Statistix Mendacicon,and lists over three million agues of the psyche which can only becured by giving the sufferer large amounts of the pills and potionschurned out by the Pharmacopeia, the so-called Serius Sideffex Imentioned earlier. For this service the Pharmacopeia has promised theHoaxacopeia a juicy slice of the profits.

Ive had a preview of this new holy book and it is something of an eye-opener I can tell you. It is written in terms so simple almost anyone can

understand it, provided they have had twelve years of training at theHoaxucopeias Academy of Ludicrus Fibs.

It is very clear from a quick glance through the holy book that the land isin the grip of a plague that afflicts the brain (known as Chemicus

Imbalens) and which has already infected almost everybody, forscarcely a person in the land (apart from the priests of the Temple ofDementia apparently) does not have the symptoms of one or more of theagues listed in the book. Such agues include:


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The Vapors,

The Fevers,

The Humours,

Depressium (feeling of being fed up, suffered largely by followersof Televisium)

Optimisum

Possessium Demonix

Slavery Resistance Disorder

Infantium Irritatum (behaving childishly mostly suffered bychildren)

Amphora

Abacus

Orgy Disorder (inability to enter into the spirit of things at publicevents such as orgies, crucifixions and stonings).

Sandalium Nervosum (wearing sandals)

Discus

Fortunately for all of us the Pharmacopeia just happened to be on handwith the full panoply of its Serius Sideffex. Talk about a stroke of luck!

Even more fortunately, the priests of the Temple of Dementia have beenworking on more cutting-edge research and have developed a branch ofnecromancy known as Bunkum, whereby the future mental health ofchildren can be accurately divined by examining the brains of deadmonkeys. With this new technology they have been able to accuratelypredict that all children will need to be sedated by the age of four (DocilisInfantium) and the esteemed Devius Lunatix has informed me thatcopius funds will have to be forthcoming from the Treasury so as toensure mandatory treatment is available to them for life (Medicatium ad

Delirium).

There are those who allege however that there is neither proof norscience behind any of the agues in the DSM, that Devius Lunatix and hishenchmen made them up so as to persuade the masses to gopeacefully and without protest into the malleable state of Oblivium.

To denounce this allegation, I can truthfully say that I asked the priestsand mages of Dementia about it and they have all promised me, hand

on heart, their publication ismost definitely based on truth and science


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and that they will let me have their research notes just as soon as theyde-kludge the office and find them.

Well, thats good enough for me. I am but a layman in matters of the

psyche after all and must trust the wise heads the emperor has orderedme to trust. Funds will therefore be made available for the mentalhygiene of the province.

The program is already underway and producing miraculousimprovements in the mental health of the Britons, according to theprovincial agency Disingenuus Statistix and as attested by a dramaticincrease in the number of people taking their medication and a decline inthe consumption of cheaper but less addictive, illegal drugs.

Which brings me to another matter of concern: the heretical new creedsthat are sweeping the province and stirring people up into refusing todrug their children and heaping sarcasm upon every utterance of theMedia Hysteria.

Such dangerous creeds as the Nutritium and Dianetix are everywhereand a tad too popular for the Emperors liking. They threaten to disruptentirely the Imperial programs so favoured by the Emperor and hisIlluminati, some of which I have alluded to here and which collectively

are known by the epithet Slumbrus Acquiesens.

We cant have people just running around destabilizing the status quo byirresponsibly tossing new ideas about willy-nilly, even if they do makesense - and especially ones that undermine the Pharmacopeia andHoaxacopeia in their efforts to make money for the Temple of Dementia,of which the Emperor himself and his chums are, as you know or atleast suspected - the primary shareholders.

I ask the people therefore not to listen to scientific arguments or believeeverything they see with their own eyes, nor to rely on their owncommon sense or good judgment if they can possibly avoid it, for suchbehavior, being listed in the DSM under Ipso Facto (a tendency to base

ones conclusions on facts) will surely get them into trouble, if you get

my drift . . .

The leaders of these new cults, such as the infamous Doous Afava andthe annoying Sensibal Dietts will soon be brought to book and rebukedfor their troublemaking ways, probably by being nailed to the tree that

stands in the main square of the Forum.


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We have in this country as you know a fine tradition of free speech andthat right should not be misconstrued by some venal twist of logic toimply freedom of action. People can speakall they like, provided they doso quietly and do not assume they have a right to dothings, such as

publishing blogs or addressing audiences.

While we are on that subject, let me lay to rest the unfairly accuratecriticisms leveled by the aforementioned Sensibal Dietts at theHoaxucopeias Chemicus Imbalens theory. The validity of said theoryhas been proven time and again by a string of advertisements in theMedia Hysteria and, besides, it was developed by hours of research atthe exalted Academy of Ludicrus Fibs which, being a very impressivebuilding with lots of books in it, is not really to be questioned by anyone

with an eye on his political career.Undeterred by the overwhelming weight of public relations in favour ofthe Chemicus Imbalens theory, Mr. Sensibal persists with his perpetualand vociferous carping and moaning and tiresome cries of wheres theevidence?

Evidence, quite obviously, has nothing to do with it but Mr. Sensibal hasinsisted on pointing out, quite seditiously, that an examination of thebrains of corpses during recent studies at his renegade Academy at

Betta Thanpils, revealed that the brains of an inordinate number ofresidents of the Province are contaminated by high doses of poisonssuch as lead, mercury, cadmium, strontium and wine not to mentiondrugs and quite often glow in the dark.

It is hardly surprising, he has stated, hysterically, that peoples brains

have chemical imbalances when we keep shoving dangerous chemicalsinto them that dont belong there. And given that they have been

poisoned, forced into slavery, taxed, fed an endless diet of bad news by

the Media Hysteria and told they are bonkers by the Hoaxacopeia, it ishardly a source of wonder that they do not on occasion feel all thatchirpy. This is no reason to poison them with even more chemicals, evenwhen said poisons are addictive and guarantee the Pharmacopeia tonsof repeat business.

The Hoaxacopeias rebuke has been swift and decisive. A spokes-priestfor the Temple of Dementia, Devius Bonkus said: Sensibal DiettsTemple at Betta Thanpils is not accredited by the Temple ofDementia and is, quite frankly, a bit mad. Mr Dietts should spend moretime in the real world of stocks and shares and utopian tinkering and


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less time trying to save the lives of people who are going to dieeventually anyway.

He then went on to warn that traditional ritual of Smearem Discreditem,

which tends to be quite effective in subduing populist troublemakers,particularly when the danger arises that people might start paying themsome attention, is coming Mr. Sensibals way in the very near future.Lets hope he takes the hint.

Well, I think that lays Mr. Sensibal to rest once and for all. So let usmove on briskly to the matter of education.

Plans to bring education, education, education to all the people of theseislands are moving ahead quite smoothly.

Once again, we have the cunning minds of the Temple of Dementia(sub-temple of Dumandumma) to thank for new, innovative educationmethods with which we hope to keep illiteracy levels rising on a healthytrend.

This year we will be issuing certificates to every school child who canhold a pencil and get out of bed in time to attend the exam, attesting thatthey have passed everything with an A, which saves on the

administrative costs of things such as marking exams and teaching andproves that we have been successful in issuing certificates.

It also removes from children the unfair stress of having to achievesomething and sets them up well for a life of slavery, drudgery, penury,soldiery and other worthwhile careers.

The system is also proving successful in keeping young minds out of thedissident clutches of the peddlers of information and facts, such as

Sensibal Dietts, by removing from them the ability to read eitherSensibal Dietts publications or the works of other malcontents such as

the warning labels on the products of the Pharmacopeia or the productsof Poisonus Additivs and other food manufacturers.

I come now to the vexing matter of the barbarian hordes pressing upon

our borders or landing on our beaches by dead of night in small boats.

Euphemistically referred to as Itinerant Workers or Immigrants or

Refugees, these hordes from Eastern Europe then proceed to ravage

the land by stealing our jobs, eating our pets and raiding the Treasuryand making off with large piles of cash (benefits).


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We already have enough trouble with indigenous tribes such as the

Vandals, Yobs and Hoodies disturbing the peaceful order of the province

(and by peaceful order I mean of course mayhem) and so we are

taking steps to embrace these desperate people and find them a

valuable place within the economy.

As I pointed out earlier, any great civilization needs slaves and while we

have been working hard through our traditional economic

mismanagement to home-grow our own, there nevertheless remains a

shortage of people who will work for nothing and these new arrivals

should cover the short-fall nicely.

This may mean some of you will have to sacrifice yourselves to the

greater good by taking early retirement at fifteen or sixteen on account of

the fact that people who demand wages can be replaced by people who

dont, but we are taking steps to ensure that those with five or six

decades of time on their hands dont get bored.

Thus we are stepping up army recruitment in preparation for the

commencement of another war, whose manufacture and inceptiontraditionally falls upon each new government. For those who dont want

to get shot at for a living or are uncomfortable with the idea of killing

people with whom they have no quarrel, rest assured we will keep you

entertained: the BBC (Britannia Broadcastus Crappus) is preparing new

series of classics such as Neighbus, Eastendus and Up Yer Forum to

keep you amused, or at least beyond caring.

And if that doesnt quite hit the spot, remember the products of thePharmacopeia are as ever at your disposal if you still need to dull the

edges a bit.

Remember too that the DSM is also at your disposal, with the

Hoaxacopeias new mail-order system making insanity even easier.

Simply browse the DSM in the comfort of your own hovel, pick any

disorder that appeals to you and a cure will arrive by return of post.


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If you have trouble decidingand lets face it one is rather spoiled for

choice your local priest of the temple of Dementia will only be too

happy remove from you the trouble of making a decision by picking a

brain disease for you.

And in closing, a final word from me before I return to affairs of state:

given all this good news and the Promised Land that is, as ever, just

around the corner, it may come as a surprise to many of you - except

perhaps the adherents of rebel factions such as the Majoritus Silens and

Votem Apathia or followers of Conspiricus Theorus - that the Emperor

could be displeased about anything.

Well, the word from the seat of Imperial power (which must remain

hidden for security reasons) is that Caesar Nefarius Vexus is none too

happy with the rumblings of discontent that emanate from these lands.

Despite everything that has been done for you: the drugs, increased

leisure time, mental hygiene and . . . er, drugs, you are still not happy.

And if you are not happy the Emperor is not happy unless you refrain

from voicing your misery.

Well, perhaps you could make an effort by smiling occasionally.

And if you could also refrain from throwing dung at my chariot every time

I drive through the Forum on my way to the Senate, that would be

appreciated too.

Cameronius Conservitus

Imperial Governor

Stephen Cook
http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.com/http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.com/http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.com/


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About Stephen Cook

I am a professional writer, author and copywriter.

I have several published books and a newspaper column and have

published several hundred articles under various pseudonyms.

As well as a writer I have run businesses (okay, I admit it: not very well),

worked in human rights and social reform and, currently, in drug

rehabilitation (I am a withdrawal specialist and detox specialist).

Back in the seventies I was, for a while, a hippy and I have also been in

the British Territorial Army (Parachute Regiment) as well as been

threatened with murder by London gangsters.

I have been happily married for almost thirty years and have three

children and three grand children.

Copyright 2012 Stephen Cook


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The Imperial Governor Addresses the Nation by Stephen Cook