The Importance of Being Earnest

A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

By

Oscar Wilde

A PENN STATE ELECTRONIC CLASSICS SERIES PUBLICATION

The Importance of Being Earnest, A Trivial Comedy for Serious People by Oscar Wilde is a publication ofthe Pennsylvania State University. This Portable Document file is furnished free and without any chargeof any kind. Any person using this document file, for any purpose, and in any way does so at his or herown risk. Neither the Pennsylvania State University nor Jim Manis, Faculty Editor, nor anyone associ-ated with the Pennsylvania State University assumes any responsibility for the material contained withinthe document or for the file as an electronic transmission, in any way.

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Oscar Wilde

The Importance ofBeing Earnest

A Trivial Comedy for SeriousPeople

By

Oscar Wilde

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY

John Worthing, J.P.Algernon Moncrieff

Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.Merriman, ButlerLane, Manservant

Lady BracknellHon. Gwendolen Fairfax

Cecily CardewMiss Prism, Governess

THE SCENES OF THE PLAY

ACT I. Algernon Moncrieff ’s Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.

ACT II. The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.

ACT III. Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.

TIME: The Present.

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The Importance of Being Earnest

LONDON: ST. JAMES’S THEATRE

Lessee and Manager: Mr. George Alexander

February 14th, 1895

* * * * *

John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander.Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth.Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent.Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall.Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile.Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq.Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh.Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard.Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge.

FIRST ACT

SCENE

Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half-Moon Street. Theroom is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound ofa piano is heard in the adjoining room.

[Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after themusic has ceased, Algernon enters.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play ac-curately—any one can play accurately—but I play with won-derful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, senti-ment is my forte. I keep science for Life.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. And, speaking of the science of Life, have yougot the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?

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Oscar Wilde

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.]Oh! … by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thurs-day night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing weredining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered ashaving been consumed.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment theservants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely forinformation.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. Ihave often observed that in married households the cham-pagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that?

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had verylittle experience of it myself up to the present. I have onlybeen married once. That was in consequence of a misunder-standing between myself and a young person.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Languidly.] I don’t know that I am much inter-ested in your family life, Lane.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I neverthink of it myself.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thankyou.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Lanes views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Re-ally, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what onearth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have abso-lutely no sense of moral responsibility.

[Enter Lane.]

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Mr. Ernest Worthing.

[Enter Jack.]

[Lane goes out.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings youup to town?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring oneanywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!

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The Importance of Being Earnest

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good societyto take some slight refreshment at five o’clock. Where haveyou been since last Thursday?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. What on earth do you do there?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amusesoneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people.It is excessively boring.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. And who are the people you amuse?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?

JJJJJackackackackack. Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes overand takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county,is it not?

JJJJJackackackackack. Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all thesecups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extrava-gance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.

JJJJJackackackackack. How perfectly delightful!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid AuntAugusta won’t quite approve of your being here.

JJJJJackackackackack. May I ask why?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolenis perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the wayGwendolen flirts with you.

JJJJJackackackackack. I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to townexpressly to propose to her.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I thought you had come up for pleasure? … I callthat business.

JJJJJackackackackack. How utterly unromantic you are!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing.It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing roman-tic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted.One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. Thevery essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married,I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.

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Oscar Wilde

JJJJJackackackackack. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The DivorceCourt was specially invented for people whose memories areso curiously constituted.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject.Divorces are made in Heaven—[Jack puts out his hand totake a sandwich. Algernon at once interferes.] Please don’t touchthe cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for AuntAugusta. [Takes one and eats it.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, you have been eating them all the time.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt.[Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. Thebread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devotedto bread and butter.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very goodbread and butter it is too.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if youwere going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married toher already. You are not married to her already, and I don’tthink you ever will be.

JJJJJackackackackack. Why on earth do you say that?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, in the first place girls never marry the menthey flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, that is nonsense!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It isn’t. It is a great truth. It accounts for the ex-traordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over theplace. In the second place, I don’t give my consent.

JJJJJackackackackack. Your consent!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin.And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clearup the whole question of Cecily. [Rings bell.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do youmean, Algy, by Cecily! I don’t know any one of the name ofCecily.

[Enter Lane.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left inthe smoking-room the last time he dined here.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir. [Lane goes out.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all

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The Importance of Being Earnest

this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I havebeen writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I wasvery nearly offering a large reward.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to bemore than usually hard up.

JJJJJackackackackack. There is no good offering a large reward now that thething is found.

[Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes itat once. Lane goes out.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I mustsay. [Opens case and examines it.] However, it makes no mat-ter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find thatthe thing isn’t yours after all.

JJJJJackackackackack. Of course it’s mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen mewith it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoeverto read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanlything to read a private cigarette case.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule aboutwhat one should read and what one shouldn’t. More thanhalf of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.

Jack. I am quite aware of the fact, and I don’t propose todiscuss modern culture. It isn’t the sort of thing one shouldtalk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes; but this isn’t your cigarette case. This ciga-rette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily,and you said you didn’t know any one of that name.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be myaunt.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Your aunt!

JJJJJackackackackack. Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at TunbridgeWells. Just give it back to me, Algy.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Retreating to back of sofa.] But why does she callherself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at TunbridgeWells? [Reading.] ‘From little Cecily with her fondest love.’

JJJJJackackackackack. [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow,what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, someaunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may beallowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that everyaunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! ForHeaven’s sake give me back my cigarette case. [FollowsAlgernon round the room.]

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Oscar Wilde

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle?‘From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear UncleJack.’ There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a smallaunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, shouldcall her own nephew her uncle, I can’t quite make out. Be-sides, your name isn’t Jack at all; it is Ernest.

JJJJJackackackackack. It isn’t Ernest; it’s Jack.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. You have always told me it was Ernest. I haveintroduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to thename of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. Youare the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. Itis perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn’t Ernest.It’s on your cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it from case.]‘Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.’ I’ll keep this as aproof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny itto me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else. [Puts the card inhis pocket.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the coun-try, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, but that does not account for the fact thatyour small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, callsyou her dear uncle. Come, old boy, you had much betterhave the thing out at once.

Jack. My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist.It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn’t a dentist.It produces a false impression,

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now,go on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I havealways suspected you of being a confirmed and secretBunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.

JJJJJackackackackack. Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by aBunburyist?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I’ll reveal to you the meaning of that incompa-rable expression as soon as you are kind enough to informme why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, produce my cigarette case first.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now produceyour explanation, and pray make it improbable. [Sits on sofa.]

JJJJJackackackackack. My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about myexplanation at all. In fact it’s perfectly ordinary. Old Mr.Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy,made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, MissCecily Cardew. Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle frommotives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate,

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The Importance of Being Earnest

lives at my place in the country under the charge of her ad-mirable governess, Miss Prism.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Where is that place in the country, by the way?

JJJJJackackackackack. That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going tobe invited … I may tell you candidly that the place is not inShropshire.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyedall over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on.Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?

JJJJJackackackackack. My dear Algy, I don’t know whether you will be able tounderstand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough.When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has toadopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It’s one’s dutyto do so. And as a high moral tone can hardly be said toconduce very much to either one’s health or one’s happiness,in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have ayounger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Al-bany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. That, my dearAlgy, is the whole truth pure and simple.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Mod-ern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modernliterature a complete impossibility!

JJJJJackackackackack. That wouldn’t be at all a bad thing.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fel-low. Don’t try it. You should leave that to people who haven’tbeen at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers.What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right insaying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most ad-vanced Bunburyists I know.

JJJJJackackackackack. What on earth do you mean?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. You have invented a very useful younger brothercalled Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up totown as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable per-manent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be ableto go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury isperfectly invaluable. If it wasn’t for Bunbury’s extraordinarybad health, for instance, I wouldn’t be able to dine with youat Willis’s to-night, for I have been really engaged to AuntAugusta for more than a week.

JJJJJackackackackack. I haven’t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I know. You are absurdly careless about sendingout invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoyspeople so much as not receiving invitations.

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JJJJJackackackackack. You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I haven’t the smallest intention of doing anythingof the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, andonce a week is quite enough to dine with one’s own rela-tions. In the second place, whenever I do dine there I amalways treated as a member of the family, and sent downwith either no woman at all, or two. In the third place, Iknow perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who alwaysflirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That isnot very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent … and thatsort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount ofwomen in London who flirt with their own husbands is per-fectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’sclean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be aconfirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you aboutBunburying. I want to tell you the rules.

JJJJJackackackackack. I’m not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me,I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I’ll kill him inany case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It israther a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I stronglyadvise you to do the same with Mr … with your invalidfriend who has the absurd name.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury,

and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremelyproblematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. A manwho marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedioustime of it.

JJJJJackackackackack. That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl likeGwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life thatI would marry, I certainly won’t want to know Bunbury.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Then your wife will. You don’t seem to realise,that in married life three is company and two is none.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theorythat the corrupt French Drama has been propounding forthe last fifty years.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes; and that the happy English home has provedin half the time.

JJJJJackackackackack. For heaven’s sake, don’t try to be cynical. It’s perfectlyeasy to be cynical.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My dear fellow, it isn’t easy to be anything nowa-days. There’s such a lot of beastly competition about. [Thesound of an electric bell is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Au-gusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagne-rian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten min-

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utes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing toGwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis’s?

JJJJJackackackackack. I suppose so, if you want to.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate peoplewho are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

[Enter Lane.]

[Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.]

[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell andGwendolen.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope youare behaving very well.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I’m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. That’s not quite the same thing. In fact thetwo things rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him withicy coldness.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?

JJJJJackackackackack. You’re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave noroom for developments, and I intend to develop in manydirections. [Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the cor-ner.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I’m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon,but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn’tbeen there since her poor husband’s death. I never saw awoman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. Andnow I’ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumbersandwiches you promised me.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Won’t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Thanks, mamma, I’m quite comfortable whereI am.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens!Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I orderedthem specially.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market thismorning, sir. I went down twice.

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. No cucumbers!

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. No, sir. Not even for ready money.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That will do, Lane, thank you.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about therebeing no cucumbers, not even for ready money.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I hadsome crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to beliving entirely for pleasure now.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. It certainly has changed its colour. Fromwhat cause I, of course, cannot say. [Algernon crosses and handstea.] Thank you. I’ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon.I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She issuch a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It’sdelightful to watch them.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give upthe pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It wouldput my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dineupstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terribledisappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a tele-gram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.[Exchanges glances with Jack.] They seem to think I shouldbe with him.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seemsto suffer from curiously bad health.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it ishigh time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether hewas going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with thequestion is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the mod-ern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness ofany kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Healthis the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to yourpoor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice … asfar as any improvement in his ailment goes. I should be muchobliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kindenough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on youto arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one

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wants something that will encourage conversation, particu-larly at the end of the season when every one has practicallysaid whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was prob-ably not much.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I’ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is stillconscious, and I think I can promise you he’ll be all right bySaturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, ifone plays good music, people don’t listen, and if one playsbad music people don’t talk. But I’ll run over the programmeI’ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next roomfor a moment.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtfulof you. [Rising, and following Algernon.] I’m sure theprogramme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. Frenchsongs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to thinkthat they are improper, and either look shocked, which isvulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thor-oughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so.Gwendolen, you will accompany me.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Certainly, mamma.

[Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music-room,Gwendolen remains behind.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Pray don’t talk to me about the weather, Mr.Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, Ialways feel quite certain that they mean something else. Andthat makes me so nervous.

JJJJJackackackackack. I do mean something else.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong.

JJJJJackackackackack. And I would like to be allowed to take advantage ofLady Bracknell’s temporary absence …

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I would certainly advise you to do so. Mammahas a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I haveoften had to speak to her about.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Nervously.] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I haveadmired you more than any girl … I have ever met since …I met you.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And Ioften wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more de-monstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fasci-nation. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent toyou. [Jack looks at her in amazement.] We live, as I hope you

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know, Mr Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantlymentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, andhas reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal hasalways been to love some one of the name of Ernest. There issomething in that name that inspires absolute confidence. Themoment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friendcalled Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.

JJJJJackackackackack. You really love me, Gwendolen?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Passionately!

JJJJJackackackackack. Darling! You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. My own Ernest!

JJJJJackackackackack. But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t loveme if my name wasn’t Ernest?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. But your name is Ernest.

JJJJJackackackackack. Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else?Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical specu-lation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very littlereference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.

JJJJJackackackackack. Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t muchcare about the name of Ernest … I don’t think the namesuits me at all.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It hasa music of its own. It produces vibrations.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think thereare lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance,a charming name.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Jack? … No, there is very little music in the nameJack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces abso-lutely no vibrations … I have known several Jacks, and theyall, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides,Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any womanwho is married to a man called John. She would probablynever be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a singlemoment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest.

JJJJJackackackackack. Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean wemust get married at once. There is no time to be lost.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Married, Mr. Worthing?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Astounded.] Well … surely. You know that I love you,and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not

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absolutely indifferent to me.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I adore you. But you haven’t proposed to meyet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subjecthas not even been touched on.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well … may I propose to you now?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I think it would be an admirable opportunity.And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing,I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand thatI am fully determined to accept you.

JJJJJackackackackack. Gwendolen!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?

JJJJJackackackackack. You know what I have got to say to you.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes, but you don’t say it.

JJJJJackackackackack. Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Of course I will, darling. How long you havebeen about it! I am afraid you have had very little experiencein how to propose.

JJJJJackackackackack. My own one, I have never loved any one in the worldbut you.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes, but men often propose for practice. I knowmy brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. Whatwonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite,blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, espe-cially when there are other people present. [Enter LadyBracknell.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] Imust beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr.Worthing has not quite finished yet.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Finished what, may I ask?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [Theyrise together.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or yourfather, should his health permit him, will inform you of thefact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a sur-prise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly

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a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself …And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing.While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, willwait for me below in the carriage.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Reproachfully.] Mamma!

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. In the carriage, Gwendolen! [Gwendolengoes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses to each other behindLady Bracknell’s back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about as ifshe could not understand what the noise was. Finally turnsround.] Gwendolen, the carriage!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes, mamma. [Goes out, looking back at Jack.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Sitting down.] You can take a seat, Mr.Worthing.

[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Pencil and note-book in hand.] I feel boundto tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible youngmen, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess ofBolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quiteready to enter your name, should your answers be what a

really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I am glad to hear it. A man should alwayshave an occupation of some kind. There are far too manyidle men in London as it is. How old are you?

JJJJJackackackackack. Twenty-nine.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. A very good age to be married at. I havealways been of opinion that a man who desires to get mar-ried should know either everything or nothing. Which doyou know?

JJJJJackackackackack. [After some hesitation.] I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve ofanything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance islike a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound.Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces noeffect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious dangerto the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence inGrosvenor Square. What is your income?

JJJJJackackackackack. Between seven and eight thousand a year.

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Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Makes a note in her book.] In land, or ininvestments?

JJJJJackackackackack. In investments, chiefly.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. That is satisfactory. What between the du-ties expected of one during one’s lifetime, and the duties ex-acted from one after one’s death, land has ceased to be eithera profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents onefrom keeping it up. That’s all that can be said about land.

JJJJJackackackackack. I have a country house with some land, of course, at-tached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but Idon’t depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as Ican make out, the poachers are the only people who makeanything out of it.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. A country house! How many bedrooms?Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have atown house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature,like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in thecountry.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let bythe year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back when-ever I like, at six months’ notice.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Lady Bloxham? I don’t know her.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady consider-ably advanced in years.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of re-spectability of character. What number in Belgrave Square?

JJJJJackackackackack. 149.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Shaking her head.] The unfashionable side.I thought there was something. However, that could easilybe altered.

JJJJJackackackackack. Do you mean the fashion, or the side?

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Sternly.] Both, if necessary, I presume. Whatare your polities?

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a LiberalUnionist.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Oh, they count as Tories. They dine withus. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor mat-ters. Are your parents living?

JJJJJackackackackack. I have lost both my parents.

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Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may beregarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth.Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple ofcommerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?

JJJJJackackackackack. I am afraid I really don’t know. The fact is, LadyBracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearerthe truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me … Idon’t actually know who I am by birth. I was … well, I wasfound.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Found!

JJJJJackackackackack. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of avery charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gaveme the name of Worthing, because he happened to have afirst-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time.Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Where did the charitable gentleman whohad a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Gravely.] In a hand-bag.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. A hand-bag?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Very seriously.] Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a hand-bag—a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handlesto it—an ordinary hand-bag in fact.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. In what locality did this Mr. James, or Tho-mas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?

JJJJJackackackackack. In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given tohim in mistake for his own.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. The cloak-room at Victoria Station?

JJJJJackackackackack. Yes. The Brighton line.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, Iconfess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have justtold me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag,whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a con-tempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that remindsone of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And Ipresume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found,a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal asocial indiscretion—has probably, indeed, been used for thatpurpose before now-but it could hardly be regarded as anassured basis for a recognised position in good society.

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JJJJJackackackackack. May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? Ineed hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensureGwendolen’s happiness.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing,to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and tomake a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, ofeither sex, before the season is quite over.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, I don’t see how I could possibly manage to dothat. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in mydressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you,Lady Bracknell.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Me, sir! What has it to do with me? Youcan hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dreamof allowing our only daughter—a girl brought up with theutmost care—to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alli-ance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing!

[Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Good morning! [Algernon, from the other room, strikesup the Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes tothe door.] For goodness’ sake don’t play that ghastly tune,Algy. How idiotic you are!

[The music stops and Algernon enters cheerily.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Didn’t it go off all right, old boy? You don’t meanto say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. Sheis always refusing people. I think it is most ill-natured of her.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she isconcerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbear-able. Never met such a Gorgon … I don’t really know whata Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell isone. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth,which is rather unfair … I beg your pardon, Algy, I supposeI shouldn’t talk about your own aunt in that way before you.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused.It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’tgot the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallestinstinct about when to die.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, that is nonsense!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It isn’t!

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, I won’t argue about the matter. You always wantto argue about things.

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That is exactly what things were originally madefor.

JJJJJackackackackack. Upon my word, if I thought that, I’d shoot myself …[A pause.] You don’t think there is any chance of Gwendolenbecoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years,do you, Algy?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. All women become like their mothers. That istheir tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

JJJJJackackackackack. Is that clever?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as anyobservation in civilised life should be.

JJJJJackackackackack. I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clevernowadays. You can’t go anywhere without meeting cleverpeople. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. Iwish to goodness we had a few fools left.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. We have.

JJJJJackackackackack. I should extremely like to meet them. What do theytalk about?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course.

JJJJJackackackackack. What fools!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truthabout your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?

JJJJJackackackackack. [In a very patronising manner.] My dear fellow, the truthisn’t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refinedgirl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way tobehave to a woman!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. The only way to behave to a woman is to makelove to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she isplain.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, that is nonsense.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. What about your brother? What about the prof-ligate Ernest?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid ofhim. I’ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people dieof apoplexy, quite suddenly, don’t they?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, but it’s hereditary, my dear fellow. It’s a sortof thing that runs in families. You had much better say asevere chill.

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JJJJJackackackackack. You are sure a severe chill isn’t hereditary, or anythingof that kind?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Of course it isn’t!

JJJJJackackackackack. Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest to carried offsuddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. But I thought you said that … Miss Cardew wasa little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won’tshe feel his loss a good deal?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl,I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes longwalks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I would rather like to see Cecily.

JJJJJackackackackack. I will take very good care you never do. She is exces-sively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have anexcessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh! one doesn’t blurt these things out to people. Cecilyand Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely greatfriends. I’ll bet you anything you like that half an hour after

they have met, they will be calling each other sister.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Women only do that when they have called eachother a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy, if wewant to get a good table at Willis’s, we really must go anddress. Do you know it is nearly seven?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Irritably.] Oh! It always is nearly seven.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, I’m hungry.

JJJJJackackackackack. I never knew you when you weren’t …

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. What shall we do after dinner? Go to a theatre?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh no! I loathe listening.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, let us go to the Club?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, no! I hate talking.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, no! I can’t bear looking at things. It is so silly.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, what shall we do?

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JJJJJackackackackack. Nothing!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It is awfully hard work doing nothing. However,I don’t mind hard work where there is no definite object ofany kind.

[Enter Lane.]

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Miss Fairfax.

[Enter Gwendolen. Lane goes out.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Gwendolen, upon my word!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Algy, kindly turn your back. I have somethingvery particular to say to Mr. Worthing.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Really, Gwendolen, I don’t think I can allow thisat all.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral atti-tude towards life. You are not quite old enough to do that.[Algernon retires to the fireplace.]

Jack. My own darling!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Ernest, we may never be married. From the

expression on mamma’s face I fear we never shall. Few par-ents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say tothem. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dyingout. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost atthe age of three. But although she may prevent us from be-coming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, andmarry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter myeternal devotion to you.

JJJJJackackackackack. Dear Gwendolen!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. The story of your romantic origin, as related tome by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturallystirred the deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian namehas an irresistible fascination. The simplicity of your charac-ter makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your townaddress at the Albany I have. What is your address in thecountry?

JJJJJackackackackack. The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.

[Algernon, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself,and writes the address on his shirt-cuff. Then picks up the Rail-way Guide.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. There is a good postal service, I suppose? Itmay be necessary to do something desperate. That of course

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will require serious consideration. I will communicate withyou daily.

JJJJJackackackackack. My own one!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. How long do you remain in town?

JJJJJackackackackack. Till Monday.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Good! Algy, you may turn round now.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Thanks, I’ve turned round already.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. You may also ring the bell.

JJJJJackackackackack. You will let me see you to your carriage, my own dar-ling?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Certainly.

JJJJJackackackackack. [To Lane, who now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir. [Jack and Gwendolen go off.]

[Lane presents several letters on a salver to Algernon. It is to besurmised that they are bills, as Algernon, after looking at theenvelopes, tears them up.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. A glass of sherry, Lane.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. To-morrow, Lane, I’m going Bunburying.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I shall probably not be back till Monday. You canput up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all theBunbury suits …

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. It never is, sir.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist.

LaneLaneLaneLaneLane. I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.

[Enter Jack. Lane goes off.]

Jack. There’s a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I evercared for in my life. [Algernon is laughing immoderately.] Whaton earth are you so amused at?

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh, I’m a little anxious about poor Bunbury, thatis all.

JJJJJackackackackack. If you don’t take care, your friend Bunbury will getyou into a serious scrape some day.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I love scrapes. They are the only things that arenever serious.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, that’s nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything butnonsense.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Nobody ever does.

[Jack looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. Algernonlights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]

Act Drop

SECOND ACT

SCENE

Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone stepsleads up to the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one,full of roses. Time of year, July. Basket chairs, and a tablecovered with books, are set under a large yew-tree.

[Miss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily is at the backwatering flowers.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitar-ian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton’sduty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectualpleasures await you. Your German grammar is on the table.Pray open it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday’s lesson.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Coming over very slowly.] But I don’t like German. Itisn’t at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that Ilook quite plain after my German lesson.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Child, you know how anxious your guardian isthat you should improve yourself in every way. He laid par-

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ticular stress on your German, as he was leaving for townyesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on your German whenhe is leaving for town.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes he isso serious that I think he cannot be quite well.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian enjoys thebest of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to becommended in one so comparatively young as he is. I knowno one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I suppose that is why he often looks a little boredwhen we three are together.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthinghas many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and trivialitywould be out of place in his conversation. You must remem-ber his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young manhis brother.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate youngman, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We mighthave a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure youcertainly would. You know German, and geology, and thingsof that kind influence a man very much. [Cecily begins towrite in her diary.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Shaking her head.] I do not think that even Icould produce any effect on a character that according to hisown brother’s admission is irretrievably weak and vacillat-ing. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him.I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning badpeople into good people at a moment’s notice. As a mansows so let him reap. You must put away your diary, Cecily.I really don’t see why you should keep a diary at all.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secretsof my life. If I didn’t write them down, I should probablyforget all about them.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that weall carry about with us.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that havenever happened, and couldn’t possibly have happened. I be-lieve that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-vol-ume novels that Mudie sends us.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Do not speak slightingly of the three-volumenovel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully cleveryou are! I hope it did not end happily? I don’t like novels thatend happily. They depress me so much.

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MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. The good ended happily, and the bad unhap-pily. That is what Fiction means.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. And was yournovel ever published?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately was aban-doned. [Cecily starts.] I use the word in the sense of lost ormislaid. To your work, child, these speculations are profitless.

Cecily. [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming upthrough the garden.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble! This isindeed a pleasure.

[Enter Canon Chasuble.]

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, youare, I trust, well?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight head-ache. I think it would do her so much good to have a shortstroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about aheadache.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinc-tively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking aboutthat, and not about my German lesson, when the Rectorcame in.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, I am afraid I am.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to beMiss Prism’s pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [Miss Prismglares.] I spoke metaphorically.—My metaphor was drawnfrom bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returnedfrom town yet?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday inLondon. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoy-ment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man hisbrother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and herpupil any longer.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Egeria? My name is Laetitia, Doctor.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely, drawn fromthe Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong?

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MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll withyou. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do itgood.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. Wemight go as far as the schools and back.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. That would be delightful. Cecily, you will readyour Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on theFall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensa-tional. Even these metallic problems have their melodra-matic side.

[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Picks up books and throws them back on table.] Hor-rid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horridGerman!

[Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over fromthe station. He has brought his luggage with him.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Takes the card and reads it.] ‘Mr. Ernest Worthing,B. 4, The Albany, W.’ Uncle Jack’s brother! Did you tell himMr. Worthing was in town?

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. Imentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. Hesaid he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I supposeyou had better talk to the housekeeper about a room forhim.

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Yes, Miss.

[Merriman goes off.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I have never met any really wicked person before. Ifeel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just likeevery one else.

[Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair.] He does!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Raising his hat.] You are my little cousin Cecily,I’m sure.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. You are under some strange mistake. I am not little.In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age.[Algernon is rather taken aback.] But I am your cousin Cecily.You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack’s brother, my cousinErnest, my wicked cousin Ernest.

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily.You mustn’t think that I am wicked.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiv-ing us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have notbeen leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and be-ing really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh! Of course I havebeen rather reckless.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I am glad to hear it.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. In fact, now you mention the subject, I have beenvery bad in my own small way.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t think you should be so proud of that, thoughI am sure it must have been very pleasant.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It is much pleasanter being here with you.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I can’t understand how you are here at all. UncleJack won’t be back till Monday afternoon.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That is a great disappointment. I am obliged togo up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a busi-ness appointment that I am anxious … to miss?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. No: the appointment is in London.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Well, I know, of course, how important it is not tokeep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any senseof the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait tillUncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you aboutyour emigrating.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. About my what?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my outfit. Hehas no taste in neckties at all.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack issending you to Australia.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Australia! I’d sooner die.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, thatyou would have to choose between this world, the next world,and Australia.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Austra-

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lia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. Thisworld is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, but are you good enough for it?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I’m afraid I’m not that. That is why I want you toreform me. You might make that your mission, if you don’tmind, cousin Cecily.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, would you mind my reforming myself thisafternoon?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think you shouldtry.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I will. I feel better already.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. You are looking a little worse.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That is because I am hungry.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. How thoughtless of me. I should have rememberedthat when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one re-quires regular and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? Inever have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. No, I’d sooner have a pink rose.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Why? [Cuts a flower.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t think it can be right for you to talk to me likethat. Miss Prism never says such things to me.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [Cecilyputs the rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I eversaw.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. They are a snare that every sensible man wouldlike to be caught in.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, I don’t think I would care to catch a sensibleman. I shouldn’t know what to talk to him about.

[They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble return.]

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MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble.You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand—a womanthrope, never!

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [With a scholar’s shudder.] Believe me, I do not de-serve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well as the prac-tice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Sententiously.] That is obviously the reason whythe Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day.And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persis-tently remaining single, a man converts himself into a per-manent public temptation. Men should be more careful; thisvery celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. But is a man not equally attractive when married?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. No married man is ever attractive except to hiswife.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. And often, I’ve been told, not even to her.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. That depends on the intellectual sympathies ofthe woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripenesscan be trusted. Young women are green. [Dr. Chasuble starts.]I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits.But where is Cecily?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Perhaps she followed us to the schools.

[Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is dressed inthe deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Mr. Worthing!

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Mr. Worthing?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. This is indeed a surprise. We did not look foryou till Monday afternoon.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Shakes Miss Prism’s hand in a tragic manner.] I havereturned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble, I hope youare well?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe doesnot betoken some terrible calamity?

JJJJJackackackackack. My brother.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. More shameful debts and extravagance?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Still leading his life of pleasure?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Shaking his head.] Dead!

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ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Your brother Ernest dead?

JJJJJackackackackack. Quite dead.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence.You have at least the consolation of knowing that you werealways the most generous and forgiving of brothers.

JJJJJackackackackack. Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it is a sad, sadblow.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Very sad indeed. Were you with him at the end?

JJJJJackackackackack. No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. I had a telegramlast night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Was the cause of death mentioned?

JJJJJackackackackack. A severe chill, it seems.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. As a man sows, so shall he reap.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss Prism, char-ity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly suscep-tible to draughts. Will the interment take place here?

JJJJJackackackackack. No. He seems to have expressed a desire to be buriedin Paris.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I fear that hardly pointsto any very serious state of mind at the last. You would nodoubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragicdomestic affliction next Sunday. [Jack presses his hand con-vulsively.] My sermon on the meaning of the manna in thewilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or,as in the present case, distressing. [All sigh.] I have preachedit at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on daysof humiliation and festal days. The last time I delivered itwas in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of theSociety for the Prevention of Discontent among the UpperOrders. The Bishop, who was present, was much struck bysome of the analogies I drew.

JJJJJackackackackack. Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings Ithink, Dr. Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen allright? [Dr. Chasuble looks astounded.] I mean, of course, youare continually christening, aren’t you?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector’s mostconstant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to thepoorer classes on the subject. But they don’t seem to knowwhat thrift is.

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ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. But is there any particular infant in whom youare interested, Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe,unmarried, was he not?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh yes.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Bitterly.] People who live entirely for pleasureusually are.

JJJJJackackackackack. But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fondof children. No! the fact is, I would like to be christenedmyself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been chris-tened already?

JJJJJackackackackack. I don’t remember anything about it.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. But have you any grave doubts on the subject?

JJJJJackackackackack. I certainly intend to have. Of course I don’t know ifthe thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I ama little too old now.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed, the im-mersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.

JJJJJackackackackack. Immersion!

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling isall that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weatheris so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremonyperformed?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suityou.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar cer-emonies to perform at that time. A case of twins that oc-curred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your ownestate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh! I don’t see much fun in being christened along withother babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.] Andnow, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into ahouse of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too muchbowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are oftenblessings in disguise.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. This seems to me a blessing of an extremelyobvious kind.

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The Importance of Being Earnest

[Enter Cecily from the house.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. Butwhat horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Cecily!

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. My child! my child! [Cecily goes towards Jack; hekisses her brow in a melancholy manner.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! Youlook as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprisefor you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? Yourbrother!

JJJJJackackackackack. Who?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.

JJJJJackackackackack. What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, don’t say that. However badly he may have be-haved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn’tbe so heartless as to disown him. I’ll tell him to come out.And you will shake hands with him, won’t you, Uncle Jack?[Runs back into the house.]

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. These are very joyful tidings.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. After we had all been resigned to his loss, hissudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.

JJJJJackackackackack. My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t know whatit all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.

[Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slowly upto Jack.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Good heavens! [Motions Algernon away.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Brother John, I have come down from town totell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have givenyou, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. [Jackglares at him and does not take his hand.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your ownbrother’s hand?

JJJJJackackackackack. Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think hiscoming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in everyone. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalidfriend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely

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there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid,and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, andhis terrible state of health.

JJJJJackackackackack. Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk to you aboutBunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive oneperfectly frantic.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Of course I admit that the faults were all on myside. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s coldnessto me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiasticwelcome, especially considering it is the first time I have comehere.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with Ernest Iwill never forgive you.

JJJJJackackackackack. Never forgive me?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Never, never, never!

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. [Shakes withAlgernon and glares.]

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconcili-ation? I think we might leave the two brothers together.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Cecily, you will come with us.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconcilia-tion is over.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. We must not be premature in our judgments.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I feel very happy. [They all go off except Jack andAlgernon.]

JJJJJackackackackack. You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of thisplace as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying here.

[Enter Merriman.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the room nextto yours, sir. I suppose that is all right?

JJJJJackackackackack. What?

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir. I have unpacked it andput it in the room next to your own.

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JJJJJackackackackack. His luggage?

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, twohat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I am afraid I can’t stay more than a week thistime.

JJJJJackackackackack. Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. Ernest hasbeen suddenly called back to town.

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not beencalled back to town at all.

JJJJJackackackackack. Yes, you have.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I haven’t heard any one call me.

JJJJJackackackackack. Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My duty as a gentleman has never interfered withmy pleasures in the smallest degree.

JJJJJackackackackack. I can quite understand that.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, Cecily is a darling.

JJJJJackackackackack. You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don’tlike it.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, I don’t like your clothes. You look perfectlyridiculous in them. Why on earth don’t you go up and change?It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a manwho is actually staying for a whole week with you in yourhouse as a guest. I call it grotesque.

JJJJJackackackackack. You are certainly not staying with me for a whole weekas a guest or anything else. You have got to leave … by thefour-five train.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I certainly won’t leave you so long as you are inmourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourn-ing you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think itvery unkind if you didn’t.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, will you go if I change my clothes?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybodytake so long to dress, and with such little result.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are.

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I makeup for it by being always immensely over-educated.

JJJJJackackackackack. Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, andyour presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, youhave got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have apleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying, as you callit, has not been a great success for you.

[Goes into the house.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I think it has been a great success. I’m in lovewith Cecily, and that is everything.

[Enter Cecily at the back of the garden. She picks up the canand begins to water the flowers.] But I must see her before Igo, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, thereshe is.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thoughtyou were with Uncle Jack.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. He’s gone to order the dog-cart for me.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. He’s going to send me away.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Then have we got to part?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I am afraid so. It’s a very painful parting.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It is always painful to part from people whom onehas known for a very brief space of time. The absence of oldfriends one can endure with equanimity. But even a mo-mentary separation from anyone to whom one has just beenintroduced is almost unbearable.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Thank you.

[Enter Merriman.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [Algernon looksappealingly at Cecily.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It can wait, Merriman for … five minutes.

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Yes, Miss. [Exit Merriman.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I statequite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in everyway the visible personification of absolute perfection.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest.If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary.

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[Goes over to table and begins writing in diary.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Do you really keep a diary? I’d give anything tolook at it. May I?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.] You see, it is simply avery young girl’s record of her own thoughts and impres-sions, and consequently meant for publication. When it ap-pears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But pray,Ernest, don’t stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. Ihave reached ‘absolute perfection’. You can go on. I am quiteready for more.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem! Ahem!

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, don’t cough, Ernest. When one is dictating oneshould speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don’t knowhow to spell a cough. [Writes as Algernon speaks.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever since I firstlooked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I havedared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t think that you should tell me that you loveme wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelesslydoesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Cecily!

[Enter Merriman.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. The dog-cart is waiting, sir.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour.

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. [Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign.] Yes, sir.

[Merriman retires.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knewyou were staying on till next week, at the same hour.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh, I don’t care about Jack. I don’t care for any-body in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You willmarry me, won’t you?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been en-gaged for the last three months.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. For the last three months?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. But how did we become engaged?

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CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to usthat he had a younger brother who was very wicked andbad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversa-tion between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a manwho is much talked about is always very attractive. One feelsthere must be something in him, after all. I daresay it wasfoolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Darling! And when was the engagement actuallysettled?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entireignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matterone way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself Iaccepted you under this dear old tree here. The next day Ibought this little ring in your name, and this is the little banglewith the true lover’s knot I promised you always to wear.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Did I give you this? It’s very pretty, isn’t it?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, you’ve wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It’s theexcuse I’ve always given for your leading such a bad life. Andthis is the box in which I keep all your dear letters. [Kneels attable, opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have neverwritten you any letters.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remem-ber only too well that I was forced to write your letters foryou. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, I couldn’t possibly. They would make you fartoo conceited. [Replaces box.] The three you wrote me after Ihad broken of the engagement are so beautiful, and so badlyspelled, that even now I can hardly read them without cry-ing a little.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. But was our engagement ever broken off?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. Youcan see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.] ‘To-day I brokeoff my engagement with Ernest. I feel it is better to do so.The weather still continues charming.’

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. But why on earth did you break it off? What hadI done? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very muchhurt indeed to hear you broke it off. Particularly when theweather was so charming.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It would hardly have been a really serious engage-ment if it hadn’t been broken off at least once. But I forgaveyou before the week was out.

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The Importance of Being Earnest

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What a perfect angelyou are, Cecily.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her, she puts her fin-gers through his hair.] I hope your hair curls naturally, does it?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, darling, with a little help from others.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I am so glad.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. You’ll never break off our engagement again,Cecily?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t think I could break it off now that I haveactually met you. Besides, of course, there is the question ofyour name.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, of course. [Nervously.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had alwaysbeen a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose namewas Ernest. [Algernon rises, Cecily also.] There is something inthat name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pityany poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. But, my dear child, do you mean to say you couldnot love me if I had some other name?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. But what name?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Oh, any name you like—Algernon—for instance …

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. But I don’t like the name of Algernon.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, Ireally can’t see why you should object to the name of Algernon.It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocraticname. Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Courtare called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily … [Moving to her]… if my name was Algy, couldn’t you love me?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admireyour character, but I fear that I should not be able to giveyou my undivided attention.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector hereis, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of allthe rites and ceremonials of the Church?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He hasnever written a single book, so you can imagine how muchhe knows.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I must see him at once on a most important chris-tening—I mean on most important business.

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CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I shan’t be away more than half an hour.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Considering that we have been engaged since Febru-ary the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the firsttime, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for solong a period as half an hour. Couldn’t you make it twentyminutes?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I’ll be back in no time.

[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much.I must enter his proposal in my diary.

[Enter Merriman.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing.On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Isn’t Mr. Worthing in his library?

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of theRectory some time ago.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing issure to be back soon. And you can bring tea.

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Yes, Miss. [Goes out.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderlywomen who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of hisphilanthropic work in London. I don’t quite like women whoare interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so forwardof them.

[Enter Merriman.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Miss Fairfax.

[Enter Gwendolen.]

[Exit Merriman.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce my-self to you. My name is Cecily Cardew.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shakinghands.] What a very sweet name! Something tells me that weare going to be great friends. I like you already more than Ican say. My first impressions of people are never wrong.

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The Importance of Being Earnest

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. How nice of you to like me so much after we haveknown each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sitdown.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Still standing up.] I may call you Cecily, may Inot?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. With pleasure!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. And you will always call me Gwendolen, won’tyou?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. If you wish.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Then that is all quite settled, is it not?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Perhaps this might be a favourable opportu-nity for my mentioning who I am. My father is LordBracknell. You have never heard of papa, I suppose?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t think so.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad tosay, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be.The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man.

And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domesticduties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not? And Idon’t like that. It makes men so very attractive. Cecily,mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict,has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part ofher system; so do you mind my looking at you through myglasses?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of beinglooked at.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [After examining Cecily carefully through a lor-gnette.] You are here on a short visit, I suppose.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh no! I live here.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, orsome female relative of advanced years, resides here also?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Indeed?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism,has the arduous task of looking after me.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Your guardian?

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CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, I am Mr. Worthing’s ward.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to methat he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows moreinteresting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the newsinspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising andgoing to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked youever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now thatI know that you are Mr. Worthing’s ward, I cannot help ex-pressing a wish you were—well, just a little older than youseem to be—and not quite so very alluring in appearance. Infact, if I may speak candidly—

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything un-pleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, Iwish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usuallyplain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He isthe very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be asimpossible to him as deception. But even men of the noblestpossible moral character are extremely susceptible to the in-fluence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no lessthan Ancient History, supplies us with many most painfulexamples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, Historywould be quite unreadable.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is myguardian. It is his brother—his elder brother.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentionedto me that he had a brother.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I am sorry to say they have not been on good termsfor a long time.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I thinkof it I have never heard any man mention his brother. Thesubject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifteda load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It wouldhave been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendshiplike ours, would it not? Of course you are quite, quite surethat it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwendolen, thereis no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our

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little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week.Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Quite politely, rising.] My darling Cecily, I thinkthere must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is en-gaged to me. The announcement will appear in the Morn-ing Post on Saturday at the latest.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be undersome misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten min-utes ago. [Shows diary.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.]It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wifeyesterday afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify theincident, pray do so. [Produces diary of her own.] I never travelwithout my diary. One should always have something sensa-tional to read in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is anydisappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It would distress me more than I can tell you, dearGwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish,but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed toyou he clearly has changed his mind.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow has been en-trapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty

to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate en-tanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never re-proach him with it after we are married.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an en-tanglement? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of thiskind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one’s mind.It becomes a pleasure.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernestinto an engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wear-ing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call ita spade.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have neverseen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have beenwidely different.

[Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver,table cloth, and plate stand. Cecily is about to retort. The pres-ence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under whichboth girls chafe.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?

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CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. [Merrimanbegins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. Cecily andGwendolen glare at each other.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Are there many interesting walks in the vicin-ity, Miss Cardew?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of thehills quite close one can see five counties.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Five counties! I don’t think I should like that; Ihate crowds.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live in town?[Gwendolen bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with herparasol.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept garden thisis, Miss Cardew.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I had no idea there were any flowers in thecountry.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, aspeople are in London.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Personally I cannot understand how anybodymanages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybodydoes. The country always bores me to death.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural de-pression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering verymuch from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongstthem, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, MissFairfax?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [With elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.]Detestable girl! But I require tea!

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Sweetly.] Sugar?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is notfashionable any more. [Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up thetongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please.Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on thetray.]Hand that to Miss Fairfax.

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[Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolendrinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once,reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, andfinds it is cake. Rises in indignation.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar,and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, youhave given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of mydisposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature,but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting boyfrom the machinations of any other girl there are no lengthsto which I would not go.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. From the moment I saw you I distrusted you.I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceivedin such matters. My first impressions of people are invari-ably right.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing onyour valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of asimilar character to make in the neighbourhood.

[Enter Jack.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest!

JJJJJackackackackack. Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Draws back.] A moment! May I ask if you areengaged to be married to this young lady? [Points to Cecily.]

JJJJJackackackackack. [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! Whatcould have put such an idea into your pretty little head?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some misunder-standing, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at presentround your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I beg your pardon?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. This is Uncle Jack.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Receding.] Jack! Oh!

[Enter Algernon.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Here is Ernest.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Goes straight over to Cecily without noticing anyone else.] My own love! [Offers to kiss her.]

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CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest! May I ask you—are you engaged to be married to this young lady?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Looking round.] To what young lady? Good heav-ens! Gwendolen!

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Laughing.] Of course not! What could have putsuch an idea into your pretty little head?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] Youmay. [Algernon kisses her.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew.The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin,Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Breaking away from Algernon.] Algernon Moncrieff!Oh! [The two girls move towards each other and put their armsround each other’s waists protection.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Are you called Algernon?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I cannot deny it.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Oh!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Is your name really John?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny it if I liked. Icould deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly isJohn. It has been John for years.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [To Gwendolen.] A gross deception has been prac-tised on both of us.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. My poor wounded Cecily!

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. My sweet wronged Gwendolen!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Slowly and seriously.] You will call me sister,will you not? [They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan andwalk up and down.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Rather brightly.] There is just one question I wouldlike to be allowed to ask my guardian.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is justone question I would like to be permitted to put to you.Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to bemarried to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of someimportance to us to know where your brother Ernest is atpresent.

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JJJJJackackackackack. [Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen—Cecily—it is verypainful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the firsttime in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a pain-ful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doinganything of the kind. However, I will tell you quite franklythat I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. Inever had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not thesmallest intention of ever having one in the future.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Surprised.] No brother at all?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Cheerily.] None!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [Severely.] Had you never a brother of any kind?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of an kind.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neitherof us is engaged to be married to any one.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. It is not a very pleasant position for a young girlsuddenly to find herself in. Is it?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Let us go into the house. They will hardly ven-ture to come after us there.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they?

[They retire into the house with scornful looks.]

JJJJJackackackackack. This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying,I suppose?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. Themost wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury any-where one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.

JJJJJackackackackack. Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, one must be serious about something, ifone wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to beserious about Bunburying. What on earth you are seriousabout I haven’t got the remotest idea. About everything, Ishould fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole ofthis wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quiteexploded. You won’t be able to run down to the countryquite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very goodthing too.

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Algernon. Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t he, dear Jack?You won’t be able to disappear to London quite so frequentlyas your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either.

JJJJJackackackackack. As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must saythat your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like thatis quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she ismy ward.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I can see no possible defence at all for your de-ceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young ladylike Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is mycousin.

JJJJJackackackackack. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. Ilove her.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. Iadore her.

JJJJJackackackackack. There is certainly no chance of your marrying MissCardew.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, ofyou and Miss Fairfax being united.

JJJJJackackackackack. Well, that is no business of yours.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it.[Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one’sbusiness. Only people like stock-brokers do that, and thenmerely at dinner parties.

JJJJJackackackackack. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when weare in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to meto be perfectly heartless.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner.The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One shouldalways eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eatthem.

JJJJJackackackackack. I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all,under the circumstances.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thingthat consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble,as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuseeverything except food and drink. At the present moment Iam eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am par-ticularly fond of muffins. [Rising.]

JJJJJackackackackack. [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eatthem all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.]

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

JJJJJackackackackack. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muf-fins in his own garden.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless toeat muffins.

JJJJJackackackackack. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the cir-cumstances. That is a very different thing.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. That may be. But the muffins are the same. [Heseizes the muffin-dish from Jack.]

JJJJJackackackackack. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. You can’t possibly ask me to go without havingsome dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. Noone ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Be-sides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to bechristened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

JJJJJackackackackack. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsensethe better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Cha-suble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will takethe name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both

be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect rightto be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I haveever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremelyprobable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirelydifferent in your case. You have been christened already.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

JJJJJackackackackack. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the impor-tant thing.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Quite so. So I know my constitution can standit. If you are not quite sure about your ever having beenchristened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your ven-turing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You canhardly have forgotten that some one very closely connectedwith you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by asevere chill.

JJJJJackackackackack. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was nothereditary.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. It usen’t to be, I know—but I daresay it is now.Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is nonsense; youare always talking nonsense.

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish youwouldn’t. There are only two left. [Takes them.] I told you Iwas particularly fond of muffins.

JJJJJackackackackack. But I hate tea-cake.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to beserved up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!

JJJJJackackackackack. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don’t wantyou here. Why don’t you go!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! and there isstill one muffin left. [Jack groans, and sinks into a chair.Algernon still continues eating.]

Act Drop

THIRD ACT

SCENE

Morning-room at the Manor House.

[Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into thegarden.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. The fact that they did not follow us at onceinto the house, as any one else would have done, seems tome to show that they have some sense of shame left.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. They have been eating muffins. That looks like re-pentance.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [After a pause.] They don’t seem to notice us atall. Couldn’t you cough?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. But I haven’t got a cough.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. They’re looking at us. What effrontery!

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them.

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GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Let us preserve a dignified silence.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now. [Enter Jackfollowed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular airfrom a British Opera.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. This dignified silence seems to produce an un-pleasant effect.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. A most distasteful one.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. But we will not be the first to speak.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Certainly not.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Mr. Worthing, I have something very particu-lar to ask you. Much depends on your reply.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr.Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Whydid you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. In order that I might have an opportunity of meet-ing you.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [To Gwendolen.] That certainly seems a satisfactoryexplanation, does it not?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Yes, dear, if you can believe him.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t. But that does not affect the wonderful beautyof his answer.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. True. In matters of grave importance, style, notsincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanationcan you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was itin order that you might have an opportunity of coming upto town to see me as often as possible?

JJJJJackackackackack. Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. ButI intend to crush them. This is not the moment for Germanscepticism. [Moving to Cecily.] Their explanations appear tobe quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seemsto me to have the stamp of truth upon it.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieffsaid. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Then you think we should forgive them?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes. I mean no.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. True! I had forgotten. There are principles at

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stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them?The task is not a pleasant one.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Could we not both speak at the same time?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at thesame time as other people. Will you take the time from me?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Certainly. [Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolen endolen endolen endolen endolen and Cecily Cecily Cecily Cecily Cecily [Speaking together.] Your Christiannames are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!

JJJJJack ack ack ack ack and Algernon Algernon Algernon Algernon Algernon [Speaking together.] Our Christian names!Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [To Jack.] For my sake you are prepared to dothis terrible thing?

JJJJJackackackackack. I am.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [To Algernon.] To please me you are ready to face thisfearful ordeal?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I am!

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes!

Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are in-finitely beyond us.

JJJJJackackackackack. We are. [Clasps hands with Algernon.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. They have moments of physical courage of whichwe women know absolutely nothing.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [To Jack.] Darling!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [To Cecily.] Darling! [They fall into each other’sarms.]

[Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing thesituation.]

MMMMMerrimanerrimanerrimanerrimanerriman. Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!

JJJJJackackackackack. Good heavens!

[Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. ExitMerriman.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Gwendolen! What does this mean?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr.Worthing, mamma.

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Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Come here. Sit down. Sit down immedi-ately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in theyoung, of physical weakness in the old. [Turns to Jack.] Ap-prised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid,whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, Ifollowed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy fatheris, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attend-ing a more than usually lengthy lecture by the UniversityExtension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent incomeon Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed Ihave never undeceived him on any question. I would con-sider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understandthat all communication between yourself and my daughtermust cease immediately from this moment. On this point,as indeed on all points, I am firm.

JJJJJackackackackack. I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen LadyBracknell!

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now,as regards Algernon! … Algernon!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, Aunt Augusta.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. May I ask if it is in this house that yourinvalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Stammering.] Oh! No! Bunbury doesn’t live here.Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? Hisdeath must have been extremely sudden.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. [Airily.] Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. Imean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. What did he die of?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolu-tionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was in-terested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for hismorbidity.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was foundout! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live,that is what I mean—so Bunbury died.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. He seems to have had great confidence inthe opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that hemade up his mind at the last to some definite course of ac-tion, and acted under proper medical advice. And now thatwe have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr.

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Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephewAlgernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarlyunnecessary manner?

JJJJJackackackackack. That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. [LadyBracknell bows coldly to Cecily.]

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Au-gusta.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I beg your pardon?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, LadyBracknell.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sittingdown.] I do not know whether there is anything peculiarlyexciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire,but the number of engagements that go on seems to me con-siderably above the proper average that statistics have laiddown for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry onmy part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is MissCardew at all connected with any of the larger railway sta-tions in London? I merely desire information. Until yester-day I had no idea that there were any families or personswhose origin was a Terminus. [Jack looks perfectly furious, butrestrains himself.]

JJJJJackackackackack. [In a clear, cold voice.] Miss Cardew is the grand-daugh-ter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square,S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran,Fifeshire, N.B.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three ad-dresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. Butwhat proof have I of their authenticity?

JJJJJackackackackack. I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the pe-riod. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Grimly.] I have known strange errors inthat publication.

JJJJJackackackackack. Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby,Markby, and Markby.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm ofthe very highest position in their profession. Indeed I amtold that one of the Mr. Markby’s is occasionally to be seenat dinner parties. So far I am satisfied.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Very irritably.] How extremely kind of you, LadyBracknell! I have also in my possession, you will be pleasedto hear, certificates of Miss Cardew’s birth, baptism, whoop-ing cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the

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measles; both the German and the English variety.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see;though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. I amnot myself in favour of premature experiences. [Rises, looksat her watch.] Gwendolen! the time approaches for our de-parture. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form,Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has anylittle fortune?

JJJJJackackackackack. Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds inthe Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. So pleasedto have seen you.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Sitting down again.] A moment, Mr.Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And inthe Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive younglady, now that I look at her. Few girls of the present day haveany really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, andimprove with time. We live, I regret to say, in an age of sur-faces. [To Cecily.] Come over here, dear. [Cecily goes across.]Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seemsalmost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter allthat. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a re-ally marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remem-ber recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and afterthree months her own husband did not know her.

JJJJJackackackackack. And after six months nobody knew her.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Glares at Jack for a few moments. Then bends,with a practised smile, to Cecily.] Kindly turn round, sweetchild. [Cecily turns completely round.] No, the side view iswhat I want. [Cecily presents her profile.] Yes, quite as I ex-pected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile.The two weak points in our age are its want of principle andits want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largelydepends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn veryhigh, just at present. Algernon!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Yes, Aunt Augusta!

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. There are distinct social possibilities in MissCardew’s profile.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in thewhole world. And I don’t care twopence about social possi-bilities.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Never speak disrespectfully of Society,Algernon. Only people who can’t get into it do that. [ToCecily.] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon hasnothing but his debts to depend upon. But I do not approveof mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell Ihad no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a mo-

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ment of allowing that to stand in my way. Well, I suppose Imust give my consent.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Cecily, you may kiss me!

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. [Kisses her.] Thank you, Lady Bracknell.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. You may also address me as Aunt Augustafor the future.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. The marriage, I think, had better take placequite soon.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Thank you, Aunt Augusta.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. To speak frankly, I am not in favour of longengagements. They give people the opportunity of findingout each other’s character before marriage, which I think isnever advisable.

JJJJJackackackackack. I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell,

but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am MissCardew’s guardian, and she cannot marry without my con-sent until she comes of age. That consent I absolutely de-cline to give.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Upon what grounds may I ask? Algernon isan extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligibleyoung man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. Whatmore can one desire?

JJJJJackackackackack. It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you,Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I donot approve at all of his moral character. I suspect him ofbeing untruthful. [Algernon and Cecily look at him in indig-nant amazement.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impos-sible! He is an Oxonian.

JJJJJackackackackack. I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.This afternoon during my temporary absence in London onan important question of romance, he obtained admissionto my house by means of the false pretence of being mybrother. Under an assumed name he drank, I’ve just beeninformed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, ’89; wine I was specially reserving for myself.Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the

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course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of myonly ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured ev-ery single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the moreheartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the firstthat I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that Idon’t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. I dis-tinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, after careful consid-eration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew’s con-duct to you.

JJJJJackackackackack. That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My owndecision, however, is unalterable. I decline to give my consent.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [To Cecily.] Come here, sweet child. [Cecilygoes over.] How old are you, dear?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admitto twenty when I go to evening parties.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. You are perfectly right in making some slightalteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurateabout her age. It looks so calculating … [In a meditativemanner.] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening par-ties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age andfree from the restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your

guardian’s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.

JJJJJackackackackack. Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting youagain, but it is only fair to tell you that according to theterms of her grandfather’s will Miss Cardew does not comelegally of age till she is thirty-five.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. That does not seem to me to be a graveobjection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London soci-ety is full of women of the very highest birth who have, oftheir own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. LadyDumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledgeshe has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age offorty, which was many years ago now. I see no reason whyour dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive atthe age you mention than she is at present. There will be alarge accumulation of property.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn’t wait all thattime. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It alwaysmakes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know,but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to bemarried, is quite out of the question.

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AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Then what is to be done, Cecily?

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardewstates positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five—aremark which I am bound to say seems to me to show asomewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you to recon-sider your decision.

JJJJJackackackackack. But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely inyour own hands. The moment you consent to my marriagewith Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew toform an alliance with my ward.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Rising and drawing herself up.] You mustbe quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.

JJJJJackackackackack. Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can lookforward to.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. That is not the destiny I propose forGwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.[Pulls out her watch.] Come, dear, [Gwendolen rises] we havealready missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more mightexpose us to comment on the platform.

[Enter Dr. Chasuble.]

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Everything is quite ready for the christenings.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhatpremature?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack andAlgernon.] Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire forimmediate baptism.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. At their age? The idea is grotesque and irre-ligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hearof such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeasedif he learned that that was the way in which you wasted yourtime and money.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Am I to understand then that there are to be nochristenings at all this afternoon?

JJJJJackackackackack. I don’t think that, as things are now, it would be ofmuch practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you,Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of theAnabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four ofmy unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood

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seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the churchat once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-openerthat for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waitingfor me in the vestry.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Starting.] Miss Prism! Did I bear you men-tion a Miss Prism?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Pray allow me to detain you for a moment.This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to LordBracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellentaspect, remotely connected with education?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Somewhat indignantly.] She is the most cultivatedof ladies, and the very picture of respectability.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. It is obviously the same person. May I askwhat position she holds in your household?

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Severely.] I am a celibate, madam.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been forthe last three years Miss Cardew’s esteemed governess andvalued companion.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. In spite of what I hear of her, I must see herat once. Let her be sent for.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh.

[Enter Miss Prism hurriedly.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. I was told you expected me in the vestry, dearCanon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour andthree-quarters. [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixedher with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. Shelooks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [In a severe, judicial voice.] Prism! [Miss Prismbows her head in shame.] Come here, Prism! [Miss Prism ap-proaches in a humble manner.] Prism! Where is that baby?[General consternation. The Canon starts back in horror.Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily andGwendolen from hearing the details of a terrible public scan-dal.] Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell’shouse, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of aperambulator that contained a baby of the male sex. Younever returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate in-vestigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator wasdiscovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote cornerof Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volumenovel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. [Miss

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Prism starts in involuntary indignation.] But the baby wasnot there! [Every one looks at Miss Prism.] Prism! Where isthat baby? [A pause.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I donot know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case arethese. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that isfor ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to takethe baby out in its perambulator. I had also with me a some-what old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intendedto place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had writ-ten during my few unoccupied hours. In a moment of men-tal abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I depos-ited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby inthe hand-bag.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Who has been listening attentively.] But where did youdeposit the hand-bag?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.

JJJJJackackackackack. Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance tome. I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bagthat contained that infant.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. I left it in the cloak-room of one of the largerrailway stations in London.

JJJJJackackackackack. What railway station?

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Quite crushed.] Victoria. The Brighton line.[Sinks into a chair.]

JJJJJackackackackack. I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen,wait here for me.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. If you are not too long, I will wait here for youall my life. [Exit Jack in great excitement.]

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. Ineed hardly tell you that in families of high position strangecoincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly con-sidered the thing.

[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about.Every one looks up.]

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. Your guardian has a very emotional nature.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. This noise is extremely unpleasant. It soundsas if he was having an argument. I dislike arguments of any

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kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [Looking up.] It has stopped now. [The noise isredoubled.]

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. [EnterJack with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.]

JJJJJackackackackack. [Rushing over to Miss Prism.] Is this the hand-bag, MissPrism? Examine it carefully before you speak. The happinessof more than one life depends on your answer.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Calmly.] It seems to be mine. Yes, here is theinjury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Streetomnibus in younger and happier days. Here is the stain onthe lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage,an incident that occurred at Leamington. And here, on thelock, are my initials. I had forgotten that in an extravagantmood I had had them placed there. The bag is undoubtedlymine. I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored tome. It has been a great inconvenience being without it allthese years.

JJJJJackackackackack. [In a pathetic voice.] Miss Prism, more is restored toyou than this hand-bag. I was the baby you placed in it.

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Amazed.] You?

JJJJJackackackackack. [Embracing her.] Yes … mother!

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.] Mr.Worthing! I am unmarried!

JJJJJackackackackack. Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. Butafter all, who has the right to cast a stone against one whohas suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly?Why should there be one law for men, and another forwomen? Mother, I forgive you. [Tries to embrace her again.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Still more indignant.] Mr. Worthing, there issome error. [Pointing to Lady Bracknell.] There is the ladywho can tell you who you really are.

JJJJJackackackackack. [After a pause.] Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisi-tive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. I am afraid that the news I have to give youwill not altogether please you. You are the son of my poorsister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon’s elderbrother.

JJJJJackackackackack. Algy’s elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. Iknew I had a brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily,—

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how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother? [Seizeshold of Algernon.] Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother.Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolen, my un-fortunate brother. Algy, you young scoundrel, you will haveto treat me with more respect in the future. You have neverbehaved to me like a brother in all your life.

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. I did mybest, however, though I was out of practice.

[Shakes hands.]

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. [To Jack.] My own! But what own are you? Whatis your Christian name, now that you have become someone else?

JJJJJackackackackack. Good heavens! … I had quite forgotten that point.Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, Isuppose?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I never change, except in my affections.

CecilyCecilyCecilyCecilyCecily. What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!

JJJJJackackackackack. Then the question had better be cleared up at once.Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prism leftme in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Every luxury that money could buy, in-cluding christening, had been lavished on you by your fondand doting parents.

JJJJJackackackackack. Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what namewas I given? Let me know the worst.

Lady Lady Lady Lady Lady Bracknell. Being the eldest son you were naturally chris-tened after your father.

JJJJJackackackackack. [Irritably.] Yes, but what was my father’s Christian name?

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. [Meditatively.] I cannot at the present mo-ment recall what the General’s Christian name was. But Ihave no doubt he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. Butonly in later years. And that was the result of the Indianclimate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things ofthat kind.

JJJJJackackackackack. Algy! Can’t you recollect what our father’s Christianname was?

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. My dear boy, we were never even on speakingterms. He died before I was a year old.

JJJJJackackackackack. His name would appear in the Army Lists of the pe-riod, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?

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Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. The General was essentially a man of peace,except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt his namewould appear in any military directory.

JJJJJackackackackack. The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. Thesedelightful records should have been my constant study.[Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.] M. Generals …Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have—Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff! Lieutenant 1840, Cap-tain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christiannames, Ernest John. [Puts book very quietly down and speaksquite calmly.] I always told you, Gwendolen, my name wasErnest, didn’t I? Well, it is Ernest after all. I mean it naturallyis Ernest.

Lady BLady BLady BLady BLady Bracknellracknellracknellracknellracknell. Yes, I remember now that the General wascalled Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for dislik-ing the name.

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the firstthat you could have no other name!

JJJJJackackackackack. Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find outsuddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing butthe truth. Can you forgive me?

GwGwGwGwGwendolenendolenendolenendolenendolen. I can. For I feel that you are sure to change.

JJJJJackackackackack. My own one!

ChasubleChasubleChasubleChasubleChasuble. [To Miss Prism.] Laetitia! [Embraces her.]

MMMMMiss Piss Piss Piss Piss Prismrismrismrismrism. [Enthusiastically.] Frederick! At last!

AlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernonAlgernon. Cecily! [Embraces her.] At last!

JJJJJackackackackack. Gwendolen! [Embraces her.] At last!

Lady Lady Lady Lady Lady Bracknell. My nephew, you seem to be displaying signsof triviality.

JJJJJackackackackack. On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I’ve now realised forthe first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Ear-nest.

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