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A Compassionate and Comprehensive Guide for All Parents-to-Be

THE INSIDER’S GUIDE TO

Wendie Wilson-Miller & Erika Napoletano

“ When I went through this process as an intended parent back in 2000, there was no guide, no book, no support groups. While I am in many ways a pioneer in garnering support and education for intended parents all over the world, a book like this would have not only been helpful regarding the process, it would have alleviated a tremendous amount of stress from an already overwhelming process. If I were doing this all over again, this would be a book I’d buy and read from cover to cover.”

—MARNA GATLIN, Founder, Parents Via Egg Donation

“ Egg donation can provide the gift of life. The Insider’s Guide to Egg Donation is the ultimate handbook for everyone considering this unique option for family building. It explores all aspects of the treatment process and will serve as a wonderful resource for both patients and health care professionals.”

—GUY E. RINGLER, MD, OB-GYN, California Fertility Partners

THE INSIDER’S GUIDE TO EGG DONATION ANSWERS:

• What do I need to know about the medical process of using an egg donor?• What are the latest reproductive medicine technologies that we should know about?• How should I evaluate potential egg donor agencies?

Wendie Wilson-Miller, an eleven-year veteran of the egg donation and assisted reproductive technology fi eld, is the Founder and CEO of Gifted Journeys, an egg donor agency based in Toluca Lake, California. Prior to founding Gifted Journeys, Wendie was an executive with one of the nation’s leading egg donation agencies where she forged relationships with many leading reproductive endocrinologists and the other specialists who work together to join egg donors with recipient parents. Over the years, she developed a passion for all types of families who sought out egg donors: single parents, traditional heterosexual couples, gay and interracial couples, and international families looking for the accessibility of the assisted reproductive culture. A fi ve-time egg donor, she's no stranger to the hormonal, physical, and emotional ups and downs of assisted reproduction. Wendie currently serves on the board for Parents Via Egg Donation, the nation's fastest growing nonprofi t organization for recipient parents. Wendie has also been featured on NPR and ABC News, and in The New York Times.

Erika Napoletano is a columnist for Entrepreneur Magazine and the author of The Power of Unpopular (Wiley, 2012). A multiple cycle egg donor, she met her co-author during her very fi rst egg donor cycle back in 2002. She's the owner of a Denver-based marketing consultancy and speaks frequently on issues in the marketing and business community. You can learn more about her at www.erikanapoletano.com.

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ABOUT THE AUTHORS

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This is a sample from The Insider’s Guide to Egg Donation

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Published by Demos Health

The Insider’s Guide to Egg Donation




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ByWendie Wilson-Miller

and Erika Napoletano

NEW YORK



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ISBN: 978-1-936303-30-4E-ISBN: 978-1-617051-04-3

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© 2012 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano. All rights reserved. This book is protect-ed by copyright. No part of it may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Medical information provided by Demos Health, in the absence of a visit with a healthcare professional, must be considered as an educational service only. This book is not designed to replace a physician’s independent judgment about the appropriateness or risks of a procedure or therapy for a given patient. Our purpose is to provide you with information that will help you make your own healthcare decisions.

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Dedicated to every person on the journey toward family.

I’d like to thank the fi rst family I donated to for helping me realize my passion in life, and the others for allowing me to be a part of

something special beyond words.To my husband for his extraordinary patience with me

through all of my projects.To Tina, my best friend, confi dant, and the person who keeps me

laughing through it all.To my co-author Erika and our agent Stephany Evans, without

whom this book would not have been possible.And last, but not least, to my parents whose continued generosity

and faith in me allow my dreams to come true.

-Wendie

A simple thank you to all of the families who trusted me with helping them achieve their dreams.

To our agent, Stephany Evans, for her tireless work on this book’s road to publication.

And to my parents for some great genes.

-Erika



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Contents

Foreword ix

Preface xi

Acknowledgments xv

Introduction xvii

1. Egg Donation—The Basics 1 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

2. Considering Egg Donation—Filling Your Nest 9 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

3. Beyond the Nest—When Hearts and Science Collide 19 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

4. How to Choose a Reproductive Clinic 31 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

5. How to Choose an Egg Donor Agency 47 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

6. Choosing Your Donor 69 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

7. Circling the Nest—The Ovum Donation Cycle 91 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

8. Readying the Nest: Transfer and Beyond 111 Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

9. Leaving the Nest: Recipient Parents, Donors, and Honest Questions 123

Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano



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Contents

10. Everyone Builds a Different Kind of Nest: Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Single, and International Recipients Seeking Treatment in the United States 137

Guest authored by Elliott Kronenfeld, LICSW, Guy Ringler, MD, Kathryn Kaycoff-Manos, MA, and Lauri de Brito, with contributions by Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

11. The Nest of the Future 155 Guest authored by Bradford Kolb, MD, and Daniel Potter, MD, with

contributions from Wendie Wilson-Miller and Erika Napoletano

Epilogue 165

Appendices 167

Glossary 185

References 195

Index 197



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ix

Foreword

Like any how-to book, the quality of this book is defi ned by the quality of the writing and the qualifi cations of the authors. Unlike my experience, which has been spread across all areas of reproductive endocrinology and infertil-ity, Wendie and Erika can share their experiences from the nonmedical side of the donor process. They’re the ones, day in and day out, working to help families like yours achieve your dreams. Although they will each share their own stories about how they came to be egg donors—and in Wendie’s case, an agency owner—I can tell you from a medical perspective that there has never been a guide available like the one they’ve put together for you. With a perfect combination of expertise, experience, and compassion, these women have achieved a book that is eminently readable, entertaining, and fully in-formative. This book is certain to become the standard text for anyone facing fertility challenges, who is seeking information on egg donation.

My personal journey through infertility from medical student to fertility specialist to even being a fertility patient myself has been both joyous and harrowing. What I have come to realize is that the joy of this journey comes from the journey itself and the amazing people like Wendie and Erika with whom I have shared it. I have no doubt you’ll fi nd that what follows will be instrumental in your journey toward family and will help open your arms to the women all over the world who have become egg donors. Although you may choose to never meet your donor, I can share this with you: they’re in your corner and want nothing more than to hear they’ve helped you achieve your dream.

Read on and rest assured that what’s to follow will answer your questions and put you at ease. If these two ladies (and all of the experts who have con-tributed) could, they’d be right there beside you to hold your hand as you walk toward the family of your dreams.

Daniel A. Potter, MD, FACOGLaguna Beach, California



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Preface

We are not doctors or nurses. We aren’t trained psychological professionals.Only one of us is a parent.Then why are we writing a book for people trying to start families?We’re women. For all you know, we could be your next-door neighbors

or the gals behind you in line at the grocery store. But we’re women with a unique perspective that helps us understand what you’re dealing with and how many times you felt like banging your head (or someone else’s, for that matter) into a wall throughout the frustrating journey down the road of the fertility challenged.

We know a thing or two about egg donation, and over the past eleven years, we’ve picked up a story or two to share. Maybe they’ll inspire you as they have us.

Wendie: Egg Donor Agency Owner, Twelve-Year Industry Veteran, and Multiple Cycle Egg Donor

The night before the retrieval procedure, I met Anna (name has been changed) and her husband. Anna needed an egg donor because she was in remission from cancer and a donor was her only hope to conceive a child. We’d never met prior to this though we’d been synced up. We all went out to dinner, and over the next few hours we laughed, cried, and talked. This one dinner changed my life. My decision to become an egg donor brought tears to a couple’s eyes, hopes to their hearts, and told me that there was more to my decision than I’d ever considered. I had to fi nd a way to make this—egg donation—a part of my life.

I had been reading about egg donation since college. When I moved to Southern California, I started hearing about it again. It was interesting enough to me to pick up the phone and call the egg donor agency where my journey began. I fi lled out an application and went through their screening process. It wasn’t long before I was matched with Anna. Meeting with her was enough for me to know that I wanted to be involved in the process be-yond being just a donor.



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Preface

I spoke to the agency owner about being more involved and discovered the agency was one of the most prominent egg donor agencies in the country. Over the next year I worked as a marketing assistant for the agency part time and soon took a position as a junior cycle coordinator for the donor program. I loved what I did each and every day: helping people build families. Although there was still the occasional donor cycle here and there, my real passion was in helping recipi-ents learn about the egg donation process, match them with donors, and work with the donors and IVF clinics to make cycles as successful as possible.

Within the next few years I became the supervising director of the entire egg donor program and continued with that agency for eight and a half years before starting my own fi rm. During that time, I coordinated somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 donor cycles that resulted in the most wonderful things: happy parents, delighted donors, and notes of thanks. This is a joy-fi lled business!

It’s also a people business. Although this may sound trite, it is true on so many levels. As a reproductive industry professional, I build relationships with everyone from psychologists to pharmacists to doctors and travel agen-cies. My job is to take care of everyone involved in making babies—and fam-ilies—a reality. I’m extremely fortunate to have developed long-term friend-ships with some of the industry’s leading voices and practitioners. What many don’t consider is that working in this industry is about real world experience. I was asked to join the board of Parents Via Egg Donation (http://www.pved.com), the leading educational resource for the egg donation industry, in 2009, and am delighted to be a part of shaping the future of egg donation.

Every cycle has its nuances. Each recipient is different. Every donor is beautiful. There’s a certain satisfaction that I get from knowing that no mat-ter how different the people we work with are, we help guide them toward that universal goal: family.

Erika: Multiple Cycle Egg Donor Whose Recipients Have Over 15 Children Between Them

It was a summer day in 2008 when I saw her. Golden pageboy hair blow-ing from her face with each whoosh of the swing and a cherubic face that reminded me of those square pictures held down by black corners in my parents’ vinyl-covered, ring-bound photo albums.

Pictures of me. I looked over at her dad. He was smiling. I looked at Wendie. She was

smiling. Then Wendie asked me, “So, how do you feel?” “It’s cool. Very, very cool,” I said. Because it was.I fi rst met Alysson (name has been changed) when she was just over a year

old. We—her parents, Wendie, and me—got together at a Studio City cafe so



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Preface

I could meet her. You see, there’s a part of me that helped her parents’ dreams come true. Her parents had their fi rst daughter and while trying for their second child, they learned that Barbara (name has been changed) was going through early menopause in her late 30s. If they were going to have another child, they were going to need an egg donor. And that’s how they met me.

Back in 2000, I’d just returned to the United States after living in Japan. I was a personal trainer at the time, and a colleague mentioned to me that she was going to see her boys that afternoon.

“I didn’t know you had kids! How old are they?” I asked. “Oh, they’re not really ‘my boys.’ They’re my best friend’s twin sons

and they’re about eight months old,” she replied. “I was her egg donor. I visit with them all the time!”

My eyes got wide. Egg donor—you can do that? Over the next few weeks, I plied her with questions, and she told me everything. I thought this is incred-ibly cool. What a wonderful gift. So I did my due diligence and connected with a well-respected egg donor agency in Los Angeles (which is how Wendie and I became friends). Five years later, I’d helped multiple families bring fi fteen children into the world. There could be more—and some days, I wonder.

Over those fi ve years, I’d virtually passed out from my fi rst shot of stimu-lating hormones and hyperstimulated to the point that I appeared six months pregnant. Yet on the other side of the coin, I’ve met one of the children who is part me, staring with fascination as she swung on a playground swing while chatting with her dad. It’s a humbling, selfl ess, and awe-inspiring journey, being an egg donor. But why did I do it?

Because all I could think is that I was sitting here with perfectly good eggs that people needed. And from the fi rst note I received from a recipient couple, I knew I’d made the right decision.

AN INVITATION TO BEGIN

Now that you know a bit more about us and why we decided to write a book on egg donation, let’s get you started. Regardless of why you’ve arrived at egg donation’s doorstep, there’s a wealth of information in the pages follow-ing to guide you on your journey toward family. To date, there are more than 51,000 children brightening families’ lives because of egg donor technology. We would love to be a part of helping you become the next family that expe-riences this unparalleled joy.

Let’s take a look inside the egg donor industry and all of its glorious pieces and get you the information you need about the incredible gift of modern medical technology waiting for you. And the one thing we promise? You’ll hear what it’s all about from the people who know it best: doctors, nurses, donors, and recipients. People just like you.



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Acknowledgments

We can’t express enough gratitude to the fertility industry professionals who shared their time and expertise with us during the course of the writing of this book. Although we developed the vision for what this book would ulti-mately be, it certainly wouldn’t have been possible without them.

A special thanks to our families and friends as well, for putting up with us through numerous deadlines, late nights, early mornings, and everything else that came with putting this project together.

Contributing professionals are as follows, in no particular order but with equal affection: Lauri de Brito; Lilly Frost; Marna Gatlin; Abigail Glass; Stephanie Goldman-Levich; Brenda Hardt-Fahn; John Hesla; Kathryn Kaycoff-Manos; Bradford Kolb; Elliott Kronenfeld; Steven Lazarus; Kate Lyon; Daniel Potter; Guy Ringler; Gregory Rosen; Vicken Sahakian; Eric Scott Sills; David Tourgeman; Amy Vance; and Carole Lieber Wilkins.



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xvii

Introduction: A Different Kind of Stork

Get over yourself. Like I said, it’s do or die. Go in, balls to the wall and say, “I’m going to do this, I don’t care how long it takes.” —Lynn McDonnell, mother, hardcase recipient parent

If you’ve landed here, it’s not by accident. You’re looking for answers, as-sistance, and more importantly, a family. And we’re here to tell you you’re not alone.

According to the Centers for Disease Control’s (CDC) 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, 16.6% of those of childbearing age face infertil-ity. That fi gure translates to one in every seven couples in the United King-dom. The World Health Organization says 8%–10% of couples worldwide face it.

What this means (in terms your reproductive endocrinologist will never use):

• At the Gym: If your spin class has 21 people in it, two of them are just like you.

• In Professional Sports: Out of 53 rostered players on an NFL team, seven are just like you.

• In the Arts: Out of more than 100 members currently on the roster at the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles, fourteen to sixteen are just like you.

• In the City: Houston, Texas has an estimated population of 2.2 million people as of 2008. That means that in Houston alone, there are 314,285 (maybe more) people just like you.

If you want to bring the numbers closer to home, insert your own city’s population data and divide by seven.

But unlike those who only need a little help with their own genetic mate-rial, you’re here because you’re considering using a different kind of stork to deliver your bundle of joy: an egg donor.



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Why Egg Donation?

Since egg donor technology appeared in the early 1980s, more than 51,000 children have joined families otherwise unable to conceive. If other means of assisted reproduction have failed you and you’re considering egg donation, there’s one thing of which we’re certain:

Those looking for an egg donor often want children more than those who were able to have them the old-fashioned way.

When you crave something, you change everything else in your life to have it. You work an extra job, you change your schedule, you sacri-fi ce. You fi nd a way to make it happen, regardless of the consequences. We understand that craving, and we don’t take it lightly. We’re here as a resource that you can trust to hand it to you straight, tell you now what’s important, and let you know that every person and family exploring egg donation, although different as eggs themselves, share a certain path. Al-though you might never have expected to pick this book up, we’ll make you glad that you did.

A Book for Every Type of Family

Infertility isn’t just about eggs and sperm not playing nice in the sandbox. As you can see by our “arts” example earlier, there are inarguable biological barriers that some individuals and couples face on the road to family. If you’re a traditional, heterosexual family, your journey is much different from what society considers nontraditional families. From single moms to same-sex and transgendered couples, society often has had diffi culty seeing that the urge to parent extends beyond what is perceived as “normal.”

What you all have in common is that you want a family, can’t make one the old-fashioned way, and you need information beyond the chirpy optimist in your support group who says, “Ohhhh, you just have to be patient!” This is a guide for what to expect when you weren’t expecting this. Egg donation is a beautiful gift of science that makes the dream of family accessible to you. We’re here to help you understand and embrace the process. Because that other stuff; patience? We know. It’s not working.

Although the traditional way of making a family is still working for some, alternative solutions are ever more available and are no longer “in the closet.” Today, fertility challenges are fair game for conversation. Advertisements run in newspapers to recruit egg donors. Celebrities make headlines by adopt-ing children. Same-sex couples and singles seek parenthood with increasing



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xix


frequency. No matter your beliefs, we understand the desire to become par-ents is universal and when looking at the current resources available, we saw there was no defi nitive guide available that

• educated audiences about the egg donation process

• addressed all types of families

• offered a road map for those embarking on the journey toward a family through egg donation

This is where we come in. Although we can’t tell you that your own journey through egg donation won’t have its own unique footprint, we can tell you that we’re the best ones to fi ll you in on the best practices, what to expect, and how to make the process your own.



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1 Egg Donation—The Basics

Let’s step back to 1977 and take a peek into the life of Leslie Brown. After struggling with infertility for more than nine years because of a tubal factor, she never thought her struggles would make her a house-

hold name in the world of fertility. In July of 1978, Leslie gave birth to her daughter, the aptly named Louise Joy Brown, the fi rst child born as a result of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedure.

No matter how long you’ve faced fertility challenges, we’re sure each of you can imagine what it felt like for Leslie to hold dear Louise in her arms. Whatev-er fears she had about IVF and all of the heartache she faced through those nine years was instantly trumped by a beautiful little girl’s smile. A gift of modern medicine and reproductive technology, little Louise paved the way for the path you’re on right now.

Because both of us have not only been egg donors but also worked (and in Wendie’s case, still works daily) with recipient parents, we understand the myriad of questions that already have—and eventually will—roll through your mind. Although the egg donation process has many facets from both the recipient and donor side, we’ve built this book to give you a step-by-step approach to understanding what you need to know and when. Although it might seem small, it is now estimated that approximately 1% of all births 1 in the United States are the result of assisted reproductive technology (ART). That’s the 1% you want to join. Let’s begin the journey by looking at why egg donation has become a real-ity in today’s medical landscape and how your own scenario weaves into the path toward building a family using this incredible technology.

THE HISTORY OF EGG DONATION

Although Leslie Brown and her daughter offered new hope for fertility- challenged families as far back as 1978, egg donation didn’t emerge as a



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realistic option until 1983. That year, the fi rst pregnancy from an egg donation procedure was reported in the United States, and the world of reproductive medicine was, once again, forever changed. Women’s dreams of motherhood were no longer limited by their own genetic material. Today we see families of all shapes, sizes, and makeups looking toward donor egg technology to build homes and futures with children of their own.

THE BASICS OF ASSISTED REPRODUCTION USING DONOR EGGS

If you’ve already read this far, it’s pretty unlikely that you’re unfamiliar with the moving parts of an assisted reproduction cycle. No matter if you’re male or female, we’ll simply outline all of the components that come together to make a donor egg cycle a reality.

• The intended parent(s): For whatever reason, your situation requires that you need donor eggs to build your family. This can be as simple as single males, gay, or transgendered couples who lack genetic material to female factors such as early onset of menopause, previous cancer treatments, or other various factors inhibiting egg viability.

• Your reproductive endocrinologist: These are medical professionals who have dedicated their careers to technologies that help the fertility chal-lenged achieve parenthood. More than just OB/GYNs, they’re tradition-ally board certifi ed in this very specifi c fi eld of health by the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

• Your egg donor: These are women who typically register with various third-party egg donor agencies or internal donor programs at reproductive clinics. The ideal age for donors per the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) guidelines is between 21 and 34, with the higher age ranges being reserved for proven donors. They represent every possible cultural, religious, and lifestyle background (just like the families for whom they donate) and are compensated for their time and effort during the donor cycle. Most egg donations performed worldwide are anonymous, meaning that the donor and intended parent(s) never meet. However, this trend is shifting toward more known donations than the industry’s ever seen before.

Because we will go into much further detail about the egg donor cycle and the other key people you might fi nd a part of your cycle in Chapter 7, we’ll outline the basics to get you going. Whether cycling with the intended mother or with a surrogate, the menstrual cycles of both the donor and fe-male who will eventually receive the embryo transfer are synced through the



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Chapter 1 Egg Donation—The Basics

use of birth control pills and certain suppression hormones. The donor then receives a series of stimulating hormones to mature as many eggs as possible prior to retrieval to increase the chances of multiple viable embryos once fertilized. For the carrying female, she receives estrogen and progesterone to prepare the uterine lining for the transferred embryos. Finally, the donor undergoes the egg retrieval process, and the eggs are then sent for IVF with the intended father’s or donor sperm. After fertilization and a certain time frame, the intended mother or surrogate will then undergo embryo transfer and await a pregnancy result.

All of the procedures directly related to your egg donor cycle are outpa-tient surgeries, and with our guidance, our hope is that you’ll be surrounded on your journey by a collection of friendly, experienced professionals dedi-cated to helping fulfi ll your dreams.

EGG DONATION BY THE NUMBERS

We began this book in a way we hoped would help you understand that you’re not alone in facing fertility challenges. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report more than 148,000 ART cycles performed in the United States during 2008. 2 In the United Kingdom, that number settles in at roughly 54,000. 3 But beyond that, those looking to egg donation have a very specifi c set of statistics to help guide your decisions.

In 2008, there were 18,121 ART cycles performed using donor eggs (12% of all ART cycles performed that year). 4 That was an increase of 40% over the fi gures reported in 2006 where only 10,984 donor egg cycles were reported. In 2006 and 2008, respectively, these donor cycles resulted in 54% and 55% live birth success rates. In the United Kingdom, 2006 fi gures were 1,278 cycles with a 30% live birth rate, 5 and 2008 fi gures were 1,700 cycles with a 28.5% live birth rate. 6

Each year, the number of people who look to egg donors to build the family of their dreams is increasing, and right alongside those increases are the ever-improving technologies. If you think back from 1977 when no children joined families on account of reproductive technology to today where in the United States, more than 50% of all egg donor cycles bring children into our world, that’s a beautiful set of statistics to guide your journey. Your repro-ductive specialist can offer you additional statistics specifi c to your personal scenario, but from our perspective, we can offer this: Statistics offers a solid foundation for helping guide your decision-making process, but never forget that in the case of family, your heart must also be a guide. That’s part of the reason we’re both egg donors (because that’s a decision that is pretty much all heart) and why Wendie has moved forward with her career to found her own egg donor agency. The science, although never exact, takes care of itself while we get to help people work through the heart of a very personal matter.



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4


INTRODUCING THE EGG DONOR AGENCY

A mere six years following that fi rst successful pregnancy via an egg donation procedure in 1983, the fi rst egg donation cycle coordinated via a third-party agency became a reality. We’ll go into detail in Chapter 5 on the practicalities of evaluating and eventually choosing an egg donor agency. But for now, let’s talk about agencies that can help you on this journey.

Your egg donor agency’s role is to not only be your partner but also your logistics coordinator, due diligence manager, counselor, confi dant, and companion as you proceed with egg donation. Whereas agencies range in ex-perience, reputation, relationships, and other factors, the one you ultimately choose can lend you insight and skills that will not only ease the process but also help you focus on the things most important to your cycle’s success: a low-stress experience that lets your body rest, your family prepare, and your entire team work together to ensure the best possible result. The best agen-cies offer you relationships with every possible professional to make your experience a success along with the man power to do all of the things you couldn’t possibly manage, such as donor screening, travel coordination, do-nor monitoring alongside your reproductive clinic, and donor education. In every sense of the word, agencies are partners with you along your journey and in our particular cases, even beyond.

If you keep in mind that agencies are here to be your partner and should, in fact, act like one, we think you’ll come to understand in short order which one is the best choice from the many available. And although those in places like the United Kingdom may opt for the 100% anonymous programs offered by their national health care, we can assure you that those teams are just as committed to helping you have a positive experience as well.

How Egg Donor Agencies Help Your Journey—One Intended Mother’s Thoughts

“I would say to anyone out there, and to me, this was the most critical part of the process—the agency is KEY. Their philosophy is going to translate to the young women they recruit. If you have an agency that is superfi cial and churn-ing out donors like they are exotic cars, that is the type of donor they are going to attract. If you have an agency with lovely people who are compassionate to your struggle and believe that they are going to match you with a wonderful donor, then that is what you are going to get. Our agency was an instrumental part of getting the egg donor experience we wanted.”—Anonymous Intended Mother



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CAN YOU HELP US UNDERSTAND THE DONOR’S SIDE OF OUR STORY?

Egg donors come in as many iterations as people themselves, and we can tell you, without question, that we feel there is a great donor out there to be matched with every possible intended parent. You know why you’ve picked up this book, but let’s talk for a bit about what’s going on behind the scenes with your donor and what her possible motivations are to help you along in your journey.

As the average donor compensation in the United States is between $5,000–$10,000 and in the United Kingdom a mere £250 (less than $500 at the writing of this book), the fees that donors generally receive aren’t con-sidered coercive or so much that she would consider doing something she ordinarily would not in exchange for compensation. As donors ourselves, we can tell you that the average donor fee is great for paying off student loans, credit card bills, or saving some money for a down payment on a house. Both of us have had hyperstimulated ovaries (a rare condition experienced by do-nors where the ovaries fi ll up with an excess of fl uid, causing it to leak into the abdominal cavity—quite uncomfortable and sometimes requiring minor out-patient surgery to correct). Wendie has experienced ovarian torsion (where the ovary spins on its axis, cutting off blood fl ow). We’ve both driven and fl own thousands of miles for monitoring, doctor’s appointments, retrieval procedures, and medication pickups. So is it the money? Not in most cases. Although there are donors out there motivated by donor fee alone, most do-nors are like us—we heard about egg donation, researched it, went through the screening process, and ended up being selected by recipients. There was something other than the money that led us down that path.

To commit fully to becoming an egg donor, there almost has to be an additional, emotional motivation for these young ladies to offer their help for

A Story from Wendie

As an 12-year veteran of the egg donation industry and a multiple-time donor, one of the greatest gifts I get each day are those recipient parents who choose to stay in touch. It’s a personal decision no matter how you look at it, but there’s only one thing more rewarding than hearing one of our parents become pregnant from their cycle. When we receive birth announcements, photos, family newsletters, and those lovely thank you e-mails then we know we made a difference. Sure—our business is building families, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also love to see them grow!



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families like yours. Over the years, we have found that it’s a delightful com-bination of empathy, understanding, and altruism that leads them to an egg donor program’s doors. Most donors eventually want children or are already blessed with a family and thus understand the road you’ve taken that has led you to choosing them. We hear it time and time again from donors as well that if there were ever a reason later on in life when they couldn’t have their own children, they’d be looking toward egg donation and people like us to fulfi ll their dreams.

A Donor’s Perspective—Nichole’s Story

Although I come from a remarkably close family, I decided egg donation was something I would do independently. I didn’t want my mother to worry, so at fi rst I didn’t tell her about it. However, I ultimately decided that this was too important not to share with her. When I told her, she panicked. She confessed that although she understood what an extraordinary gift it was to help some-one have a child, she needed me to understand that I was her child fi rst and that she would do everything in her power to protect me. She forbid me from doing anything that involved any risk to my health. I assured her that the risk was quite low, that the doctors my agency works with are the best in the fi eld, and that I had done my research. I explained that although I am nowhere near ready to be a mother myself, my body already possesses the ability to make a child, and my spirit harbors an innate happiness, unshakable enthusiasm for life, and fundamental sense of gratitude. Isn’t it logical that I would want to share this with a special family?

She asked me for a few days to think it over and do her own research. She reached out to all of our relatives in the medical fi eld, used every con-tact she had, and, fi nally, determined that the procedure is safe. She called me crying, explaining that I consistently inspire her in new ways. I told her it was she and my father who had inspired me to be loving and kind and to be the type of person who would readily offer to give that which they had to give.

In every instance in my life where I have set out to give, I’ve always felt as though I’ve ended up receiving far more. This experience was no dif-ferent. My recipient mother’s heartfelt words shared with me through the agency made it all beyond worth it. I read her words to my mother as well. What a miracle it is to not only be able to verbally acknowledge but to also show with action the appreciation I have for all that she and my father have given me (through both genes and nurturing), and to share this with a special woman who now has a beautiful little boy because of my decision to be a part of this journey.



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BUT WILL MY DONOR FEEL AS IF THE BABY IS HERS?

While we can’t speak on behalf of every woman who has chosen to be an egg donor, we can tell you the universal response from every donor we have asked over the past 12 years: Absolutely not. All of the legal paperwork and relin-quishing of rights aside, your donor is looking at her donation as a genetic helping hand. A gift . . . to you. The dreams of having this child are yours, and your donor is dreaming of having children one day with her partner or by whatever means she chooses. In many cases, we fi nd ourselves speaking with donors who have their own fears that the child’s intended parents might want something from him or her in the future, asking if they will have future fi nancial or emotional obligations to the children that are a result of their donation(s). So you see, the fears from both sides are, in actuality, rather complementary in nature.

One of my donors had the rare yet rewarding experience of not only meeting but holding the two little girls who were a result of her egg dona-tion. She said that she is asked all the time if she feels as though she is the “mom” to these children or was that “weird” for her. This is her response:

I can tell you with the utmost certainty there is no attachment what-soever to the children that resulted from my egg donations. Meeting and holding them felt a lot like holding a friend’s baby—you know it’s not yours, nor is there any kind of bond that takes place in such a short amount of time. I don’t covet them in any way, nor have I ever once thought of them as “my” children, regardless of the DNA I’ve contrib-uted. There was nothing negative about meeting them. In fact, I was elated for the parents, as I could see the joy on their faces and feel the warmth emanating from them. It was a very special experience, meeting these children, as I know that most donors never have this opportunity.

WHAT DO WE NEED TO REMEMBER?

The most important thing to remember at this point in your journey is that there are numerous options available to you for building your family. There are many egg donation agencies and IVF clinics to choose from across the United States. From the 1970s until today, reproductive technology has seen so many inroads that your chances for success are better than ever. And al-though not everything works the fi rst time (as we are all well aware), there are more possibilities than ever for making your dreams come true. We think it’s best said by one of Wendie’s clients who called her after speaking with a friend who had used donor eggs to have her son. She had asked her friend, “How did you get such an amazing child?”

To which the happy mother lovingly replied, “Science!”



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Key Chapter Highlights—The Basics of Egg Donation

• First pregnancy from IVF: 1977

• First pregnancy from egg donation: 1983

• Reproductive endocrinologist: Doctors having earned very specifi c certifi cation for OB/GYNs from the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology (a U.S. certifying professional organization for medical professionals).

• Average U.S. clinic live birth rates for donor egg procedures: 55% (2008)

• Average U.K. clinic live birth rates for donor egg procedures: 28.5% (2008)

• Donors are invested in your dream of becoming parents.

• Egg donor agencies are your partner in your journey.

• Most common technologies seen in egg donor cycles: intracyto-plasmic sperm injection (ICSI), blastocysts, vitrifi cation, preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD)


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